Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Just Return the Crap and Be Done with it

Wee Wee Water
At the risk of sounding like a very popular neurotic Jewish comic, what's this nonsense about running water and peeing?  I vaguely remember hearing that if a woman wanted to pee in the bathroom or for a medical test, she should run some water. Then I remember hearing about old men having to run water to pee in general.

After I hit a certain age, I noticed this effect in reverse, sorta. I'd do my Manly Duty, washing dishes, and a short way into it, I had to pee. It sometimes takes me a while to catch on (to most things) and in a while, I noticed it.  It was a sad day for me, like maybe I should celebrate by signing up for AARP or Medicare.  Whenever I washed dishes. Whenever I got water from a faucet. And yesterday, was the final insult (I hope): while pouring Marshall's personally refrigerated Special Spaniel Water into his dish, the Pee Alarm went off again. What's happening to me?

BUT WAIT!!! If you keep reading, we'll spell out an even more absurd point, and we'll send it to you for nothing! Not even an additional handling or reading charge!  One day when filling up Marshall's water container for his refrigerated Special Spaniel Water, I felt the Urge. I thought I had outsmarted my body by going to the bathroom before I filled the container. But POOF - there it was. Only I didn't really have anything to give... yes, it was Phantom Pee Urge. This brand new diagnosis will be rushed through committee and will appear in an interim diagnosis supplement for all physicians.

  • After weeks of sex with a transexual, a man kills her for "that sick thing between her legs." I'm thinking the guy must have had a small vision issue. Did he possibly miss the superfluous genitalia? For a few weeks? Is it THAT dark where he does it?

I hope your holidays were nice. 
I got a rock.

Speaking of the holidays, I thought it might be a good time to stand around the menorah, light some candles, and sing Jewish folk songs. Then I remembered I'm not Jewish.  Ok, I'm an ex-Jew... I gave it up for lent.

  • The best quote of xmas had to come from my nephew, who asked the wife a question: "Do you get gift cards?" Yes. "Well, if you get any from Toys R Us, would you give them to me?"

There were a few neato mob brawls at malls over the holidays, including one in Ohio that resulted in a mall closing down. Hmmm... organized mobs.. at about a dozen malls... who's doing the organizing?

  • Men are from Mars, women are from Betelguese. We had some communication issues in our marriage that we straightened out, to great relief. However, my coworker and I are going to require 145 intensive sessions of Communication Marriage Therapy to be able to work just poorly with each other. The more we talk, the more my eyeballs try to look at each other and end up rolling like a slot machine. [this takes place over text messages]:
  • ME: put the red one on the green peg
  • HER: all I have is green
  • ME: yes, the green one. put it on the red peg
  • HER: ok. what about the fact that the peg is wood?
  • ME: they're all wood
  • HER: I'm so stupid
  • ME: why are you stupid?
  • HER: because I couldn't do yesterday's work
  • ME: the machine was down yesterday
  • HER: nobody told ME
  • ME: then you're not stupid, are you
  • HER: that's ok, I'm stupid about other things
  • ME: don't worry about it
  • HER: I have to - it's my nature
  • ME: ok, try to keep yourself up all night, worrying about it
  • HER: I will, thanks. now I'll shut up.
  • and people wonder why I wander up and down the aisles, laughing maniacally, cursing randomly, and banging my phone on the desk, like some sort of new-age morse code.

I wanted to get some stuff done today but I'm having some difficulty. I have a bit of a medical condition that comes and goes, generally in the morning. I asked the doctor what to do and he said to drink some caffeine-containing beverages. The medical condition, by the way, is called Tired, or as we know it, Tired. My coworkers cannot drink Mt Dew because it makes them fly around the room, frequently bumping into ceiling fans. It's a ($&#ing mess to clean, especially when it gets on your clothes. I can drink Mt Dew and feel absolutely nothing, either from sugar or caffeine. So I drink a cup of coffee every morning. It helps me wake up to the horror that will become my day. The only problem is that I run the risk of falling back to sleep for a few hours, which tends to be frowned upon, even for my friends in government. Yes, the doctor is flummoxed as to how caffeine can take up to four hours to be effective. I'll get up from my desk, pick up a pen, and start shaking wildly. This starts my own bouncing off the walls. Fortunately, due to fear of heights, I do not bounce all the way to the ceiling fans, much to my wife's dismay.

Nobody seems to have even a halfway decent answer to this question (why I don't make it to the ceiling).  They also can't figure out why coffee takes so long to take effect. As you'd expect, I have a theory. I always have a theory; usually waaaay out there in left field, so far out of the box that no one can find it, even with satellite assistance.  You see, I am asleep most of the time. Only when the caffeine hits am I awake. While I think I'm falling asleep, I'm actually already asleep. Another one solved, Holmes.


My wife just went for a nap. This causes some sort of quantum time warp where she sleeps but in our subjective reality, it can last anywhere from five minutes to sixteen hours (you think I'm kidding?). This is precisely why we cannot understand quantum physics, or Nap Physics, as we Nap Physicists prefer to call it.

After the subjective nap time has elapsed, she will emerge from her cave, looking 3/4 asleep, not having seen her shadow or me. If I say Good Morning, she may acknowledge me in a voice that would make a frog sound like Pavarotti. She'll tell me she came out for something to drink. When I ask if she's ready to get up, she tells me she's not done sleeping yet. This is either the most brilliant statement about sleep ever, or .....

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