You will be required to have a very happy, safe, and healthy new year.
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Speaking of New Years, I occasionally performed on New Years Eve, both with my band and my musical comedy act.
I remember one year we played deep in the bowels of Philadelphia. It was so deep I could never find it again, nor would I have any reason to. Mrs lefty was there, long before she took the dive. I remember her particularly hot leather skirt. It was accompanied by a particular cold. The cold came with the Cough of Death. The poor girl sounded like she was coughing up a lung, at one minute intervals. As she was a nurse, she didn't have the good sense to stay home when she was quite ill and quite contagious. Plus she wanted to be with her sweetheart, for which I can forgive her.
I remember doing reasonably well and jiggering the set around to ring in the Happy New Year at midnight. Cough couch. And at four in the morning, Mrs lefty called a doc she knew, who met her at the office and prescribed Strong Antibiotics for her constant hacking. I think she got half the neighborhood and their pets sick.
I'm certain we did a few more celebrations over the years but we are talking quite a time ago so I can't be relied upon to remember stuff. Especially if it happened yesterday. We played in a place called King of Prussia, which is apparently hysterical if you're from anywhere that isn't Philly. There was a small chain of motor lodges off the Turnpike, and when I say motor lodge, I mean really run down motel with a weird layout, featuring some extremely low-rent restaurant-type place, perhaps for truckers (but definitely not regular people).
We were opening for a national act, whose name I could make up but let's agree that I don't remember. We were pretty excited, as we should have been. Nice money, nice exposure, nice equipment. Or so we thought.
The room had all the acoustical properties of a concrete gymnasium, largely because it was constructed exactly like a concrete gymnasium, out of cinderblocks. We hit the stage running, full of energy, and the crowd immediately took a dislike to us. We weren't always strangers to this phenomenon, but realized it wasn't our fault this time. When you point large speaker stacks at a concrete wall, the sound shoots out, hits the wall, and rubber bands right back at you. So you sing a note and it comes back to you, almost a second later, completely confusing you as to what you're doing. It's like a bad cell phone call, where you can hear what you already said in the background.
Somehow this got cleared up, although I don't know how, but it didn't involve tearing down the cinderblock walls or throwing paying guests against them. We did really well... so well that the national headliner couldn't follow us. This is the reason a lot of comics don't want to follow musical comedy acts.
We weren't too far from home but we got rooms so we decided to stay. This was before Mrs lefty (no, really), so the adventurous lady and I decided to head to the room. Picture many rows of rooms, with about ten per row, all laid out at strange angles to each other. The door key was one degree off skeleton key, and I got a really weird feeling as we opened the door. It was right out of a horror movie, when the innocent couple inherits a large, dark castle and goes to see it for the first time. I expected cobwebs, everything covered in sheets, dust, and perhaps a dead body. Fortunately we escaped those tragedies, although we both avoided checking the bathroom just in case.
After the Mad Celebratory Sex (that I don't remember), we drifted off. Or tried to drift off. This was made somewhat difficult by the creaking dripping sound emanating from the bathroom. The one we were terrified to check for bodies. Being by far the braver of us two, She got up to check on things. The area was completely free of (human) bodies but the plumbing was similar to the plumbing in the large, dark castle; held together with string and spit. Several minutes later, we were safely in the car, on our way home. We decided it wasn't all that interesting to stay in a different bed for the night.
I would like to repeat some of my successes but don't have a band currently. I thought the Mad Celebratory Sex thing would be fine but she's in the bedroom, having a call and response snoring chat with the dog. Just to clarify, we're talking about Mrs lefty, not any of the previous ones, girlfriends, or blow up dolls.
Please be safe. If you're going to drink, stay where you are, take a cab, or use a Designated Driver. It's not worth the other lives you may ruin. Also - this time of year is particularly bad for sufferers of depression. If you need help, please talk to someone.
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| Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem |
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