You Reek of Sofa

 

Your love is like  roadkill souffle

Protesters delay start of Cal-USC football game in Berkeley

It's time for celebration: our friends at UC Berkeley are back out, this time taking their wacky antics to an actual football game. When asked why they were meandering around the field, interrupting things, they said something about a lost contact lens. When people recognized they were with UC Berkeley, they asked what the students were protesting. The students stopped at once, like a fleet of driverless taxis, and tried to figure out what they were protesting. Some said they were protesting, and that was good enough for them. Others said they weren't sure, but the protest leaders promised to fill them in later, which was fine by them.  One wag said he wasn't protesting - just following the protesters for pussy, but he discovered they're all pussies at UC Berkeley.

Earlier this year, UC Berkeley protested, saying they wanted no Jews or Zionists to speak on campus. When the school noted that no Jews or Zionists were scheduled to speak at the school, the students sued the school for trampling their right to protest. Asked for comment, both of the Jews attending UC Berkeley said that their beards, big hats and big coats hid their Jewishness from the rabble. They just had to be careful not to say anything that would give them away, like, "Dammit, I'm here for an education!" or "No, I will not go to the protest today."

UK policing minister urges doubling down on face-scanning tech

In the UK, they've gone past Surveillance State: now they're in your colon.

Brain tissue may be fuel for marathon runners

Told you so. Nobody listens to me. Exercise, aside from causing cancer, also eats your brain.

US Army warned Maine suspect too 'erratic' to have gun

What they actually said was, "He is way too unstable to be running around in public with a gun. With that kind of disability, he needs to be in the army." 

Asked for comment about Hamas, Gaza, and Israel, ThermionicEmissions wants to be clear and make one statement: you don't kill civilians.  Actually we're just kidding; no one asked for a comment.

In a satellite photo, 400 Roman forts were found in the Middle East.

The photos were from the Cold War and were just declassified. This is your government, people. Everything is a secret, but they need more money for secrets next year.

YouTube fumbles NFL Sunday Ticket streaming

YouTube, along with every other media outlet, has done everything possible to go after illegal streamers. Yet the streamers are the only ones who manage to stream without problems. What does this tell you?

 Don't ask me - I'm the AntiSports.

Surprisingly long-lived wild female chimps go through menopause

In totally unrelated news, wild male chimps sometimes leave their long-lived wild female chimps for up to a year.

I've struggled with this most of my life (The lefty Show) but I'm working on the cause. I'm no further than when I started, but I have a description: If there is a problem, I will find it.

• As the car came home, after the $700 tire fiasco, Wife ran into a convenience store. When she came out, there were 3 broken beer bottles in back of the car. I still shiver when I think about it. 
• As usual, Microsoft told me there was an update to Office. After it 'updated,' the Outlook View was all screwed up and it wouldn't left me fix it. I had to stop and restart office to get it back to normal. Funny, I don't have this problem with linux or its free office suite, Libre Office. It runs on Windows too and it's free, open source.
• As I study for a new program at work, I quiver because it will require testing. I don't test well, interview well, or audition well. But this is the least of my worries now; I can't get into the program to take the tests. Only me. The directions even tell you how to log in, but it doesn't work. My coworkers don't know what to do with me, moreso.

My System76 laptop still suffers from the power plug not making contact. I have to wiggle it, then pull it out by microns until it works. Or largely doesn't work. As usual, System76 has provided stellar service, recommending I send it in (for the 2nd time). They told me what had to be done involved soldering, and as it happens, I solder. The laptop is held together with a few (36) tiny screws, requiring a tiny screwdriver (34A phillips). The system is so well designed that if you pull 35 of the screws out, the single remaining screw will stop the entire bottom from coming off. One magic screw, probably because of one magic bean. They even cleverly hid a few of them under the battery. There are any number of reasons I attempt this difficult procedure

1. I have supreme confidence in myself  (no)
2. It sounds like I can do it  (maybe)
3. I'm really stupid, have no fear, and charge in without thinking about the consequences (very likely)

There are at least 3 different causes of this problem

1. the power jack is loose inside
2. the power jack has come loose from the circuit board
3. aliens

There was no clear way to differentiate #1 from #2, even after opening it up. I refreshed the solder joints, offered them a Dr. Pepper, and nothing changed. At least it didn't burst into flames, like a Tesla. No further toward an explanation, I think the jack itself is out of sorts on the inside. Without hesitation, Wife said, "Send it back." I'm beginning to think she has no confidence in my abilities to do something this delicate that I've never done before. Either that or she doesn't want to hear the screaming (more likely). She is willing to spend a lot of money to avoid the screaming, which probably says something (that I'll ignore because I'm a husband). 

These laptops are manufactured by a company called Klevo, which I've just decided is really named Klepto, because they keep taking your money, like Congress.

Tsingtao: Video shows Chinese beer worker urinating into tank

I've heard beer being referred to as 'squirrel piss' but I never thought they were serious...