Hillary Trump

If you think carefully about your presidential candidate, you should go out and vote. If you're voting for someone because of their internal plumbing/gender, please stay home; you're not qualified to vote. I heard a teary-eyed interview on the radio about how great that a woman is running and how historic this is. I want the best person for the job and so should you.

• The FBI is stepping up its use of ISIS stings, with little public or congressional scrutiny. Translated into English, the FBI is locating some poor slob who claims support for ISIS, arming him, then making a huge deal about his arrest.

Most notably absent from the wannabe presidential speeches is any talk of the national debt.

• My wife and I have found the Ultimate Relationship Secret: sleeping when the other is awake.

A dispute over Ramadan meals in Duesseldorf resulted in a fire that gutted a shelter for 282 asylum seekers. The portions were too small, so they set the place on fire. Let's import some immigrants, shall we?

In related news, a Pakistani woman was burned alive by her family for eloping. She was obviously asking for it.

• Microsoft founder Bill Gates launched a campaign to help extremely poor families in sub-Saharan Africa to raise chickens. Unfortunately the poor will discover they can't raise the chickens because the chickens will automatically keep trying to upgrade to Chicken 10.

David Beckham, famous for f-ing the anorexic-looking Spice Chick, says "You need to wear a condom in the fight against HIV." I'm doing my part by wearing a condom as I type this.

• To protest rampant sexism in Hollywood, Ghostbusters is being remade with women in the title roles. Because that's not sexism at all.

With all the huff and fluff about transgender bathrooms, don't you wonder how many people will benefit from this?