Friday, July 22, 2016

Let's Convention This Bitch Up

I feel sorry for Philthydelphia. It's not bad enough they're in a public transportation crisis because they bought poorly-made cars (that they knew about a year in advance); now there's the Democratic National Convention. It's so huge they're holding parts of it at a giant sports stadium. Wait til they find out parking is fifty dollars.  Traffic is murder at any time of the day or night, so imagine how bad it will be when portions of the city's two main arteries are to be closed. The worst will be borne by the poor commuters and people forced to live and work downtown. Good luck there, folks.

Now imagine the arriving politicans. First they land at an airport with striking workers, incompetent TSA empolyees (be fair, this could be any airport in the nation), then they see the parking three-deep at the curb, right next to the No Parking signs. Driving on the always gridlocked I-95 North, they immediately pass the waste recycling plant.. Philly smells like shit for many reasons. Heaven forbid they try to get around via public transportation or worse, by car. It's like New York but without the accent.

As if this fun couldn't be superceded, the security will be insane, especially when Hillary the Prevaricator arrives. I'm all for having it moved at the last minute. To any old state (or country) at all.  I'm not partisan - I feel sorry for Clevelanders too. Just to make things more interesting, you can open-carry guns there. Thus far it has been peaceful, or at least the gun-carriers have.

  • A year and a half after I became gainfully employed, I'm still receiving job notices, some for jobs I applied for a year and a half ago. As per warning, the worst are the Indian recruiters, for some unknown reason. Today I received one from some Indian guy, saying he thinks I'd be interested in a one year contract in Toronto, Canada. Well, there's nothing like an eight hour commute to a different country to get the old metabolism going. WTF is wrong with these people?

A young immigrant has attacked people on a German train. With an axe, while shouting "Allahu Ackbar," which means "Oops, I did it again" in Swahili. Germany and President Obama say the motive isn't clear, even after ISIS claimed responsibility.

Meanwhile the Social Justice Warriors have exclaimed that no normal citizen should have an axe and sensible axe control must be enacted. Star Trek's Wil Wheaton, now famous for his "Fuck the NRA" outbursts, when reached for comment, said, "Fuck the National Axe Association!"

  • I think we need a party that guarantees inclusion of another minority group: The Attractive Wingnut Party. Members will include Sarah Palin, Michele Bachman, Michelle Malkin and others to be named later.

The Pokemon Go craze is perfect for us... people have been stopping traffic and walking/driving off cliffs. That sound you hear is Charles Darwin laughing.

  • I heard some of Chris Christie's RNC speech on the radio this morning. Regardless of how you vote, the guy was entertaining and nailed it.

BREAKING: sources deep within the RNC have discovered that Bill Clinton plans to vote for Trump. Because he wants a chance at Malenia.

  • Baltimore police have footage of a driver playing Pokemon Go plowing into a police car. No word on whether the driver was taking a selfie at the same time.

There is now a Krispy Kreme donut-flavored soda. Is this a good thing? Is it the sign of some sort of Kardashian apocalypse?

  • A study, using Real Science, shows that Harry Potter fans are more likely to dislike Donald Trump. This is a shame, as Donald was really counting on the Hogwarts Vote.

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