All of the Sudden, Everybody Wants to be Friends Without Benefits

Your love is like the forthcoming monkeypox pandemic

President Biden Surprises Teary Elton John With National Humanities Medal at White House Concert

Kept referring to him as Sir Robert Plant

Today I identify as  Apollo 19




'State's going to s**t!' Aaron Rodgers blasts California's COVID closures he says destroyed small businesses in his hometown and lashes woke new 'misinformation' bill for doctors

Wow, I never expected to find myself agreeing with a quarterback. This guy has his eyes open. He needs to join us in the Real World, in case California decides to de-orbit.

 

As streamers threaten boycott, Twitch takes action on some gambling content

The users themselves started whining and got some of the gambling canceled. Gambling is perfectly legal, but the users are upset about some people who can't handle themselves.

I guess we'll have to stop drinking, because people still drive drunk. Stop driving, because people can't drive well. Stop picturing attractive people because some people get the wrong impression. No pictures of children because pedophiles. Let's sanitize everything. We're working diligently on eliminating all personal responsibility.

Speaking of which... 

NTSB wants alcohol detection systems installed in all new cars in US

Presumed guilty until proven innocent. The masses shall suffer for the complete lack of personal responsibility of the few.

What about a system that can prevent people from driving while stupid? 

Where did this come from?  Congress and your president. Let's transport ourselves back 4 years:  Not My President. #ImpeachBiden.

 

BUT WAIT!!!

The FDA is warning teens not to cook chicken in Nyquil. Instead, they're recommending laundry pods, like the kids are supposed to use.

The NTSB is insisting on a sensor that won't activate the Nyquil until it smells dirty clothes.

The makers of Nyquil insist this is not an issue: they are teaching teens to marinate, an important part of cooking.

Spokespersons for Tik Tok say they're glad people are starting to do the same stupid shit they do on all the other social media platforms. It feels like they've arrived.

Spokespersons for ThermionicEmissions say, "We'll never run out of Stupid."

Biden calls pandemic “over” despite pathetic booster rates and new variants

Be fair - he's not a doctor. Or much of a president. 

In a recent interview, he left open the idea of running again. I think he should start running now, and not stop. Has America not had enough cognitive decline? Giveaways? Taxes? Or do they want to watch him decompensate onstage?

Don't think of the space program as a humongous drain of tax dollars or JFK comparing size with the Russians..... check out some great inventions that have filtered down to us from NASA.

 

Football disorder in England and Wales reaches eight-year high - Home Office

It took me a while to figure this headline out. I thought football disorder was some sort of injury, like Traumatic Brain Injury. They're referring to Football Hooliganism. Fights. Bad sportsmanship. Head-butting children and vendors. Throwing people with opposing team shirts over the railing onto the field. Then going to the pub and doing it all over again.

The article seems to be complaining about the very points that make football football. It should be bragging that the disorder is the highest ever, not complaining. This could be used in a commercial, to sell more tickets! Granny in her shoulder pads, with a cricket bat. Little boys with pipes and guns. All smiling, cheering their team on, and assaulting anyone they see as even slightly being for the other team. Not to mention free-flowing beer and ale. In or out of times of international crisis, This Is Football!

Tesla Megapack battery ignites at substation after less than 6 months

God bless you, Elon Musk. I knew you wouldn't disappoint us.

This time it wasn't even a car - it was an electrical substation. It's heartwarming to see that you're extending your reach (your flammability?) to the electrical grid. You should look into powering the White House: if nothing else, it might keep them awake. Never mind - they do their most frightening work while awake.

I can't wait til the NTSB demands explosion detectors on electric cars. Or refuses to allow anyone under 10 inside them while moving.

Speaking of which, 1.1 million Teslas are affected by an issue with the windows, which will apparently not stop if your arm (or any other part of you, Elon) is in the way. The good news: it can be fixed with a software update. The bad news: OUCH! 

So if you're the Hampton, Virginia library, your website got a lot more interesting in the last few months: it comes up as an adult site. Either no one noticed or the site was way better than the original library page. Or both. Yet there's always some ninny who complains. I think the library could be on the cusp of something brilliant. We could get a lot more input and cooperation with government if people were involved. To get them involved, we need to get them interested. See where this is going? 

Doctors remove 50 large batteries from woman’s stomach, colon:

• trying to meet Elon Musk?
• wanted to Keep on Going?
• didn't know eating batteries was bad for you? Now the NTSB will have to figure out a way to make people prove they're not going to eat the battery before they use it.
• needed to gain a few pounds?
• "vitamin B tastes horrible and I needed a little jolt"
• wanted to be famous without shooting up a school?

My great love for Microsoft is no secret.

Actually, I am a huge supporter of Microsoft - I like their mice and love their ergonomic keyboards. This morning it all ended: neither of my keyboards was working. It seems my laptop had rejected them. Sometimes I wonder what life is like for normal people.

The Girls Who Code series of books to encourage girls to program will no longer appear in classrooms in York, Pennsylvania. No one is entirely sure why. It's not like they have references to sex in them. No one has replied to the author's queries. Isn't it wonderful when you can get a book pulled? How long til we bring back them good old book burnings? Words hurt. Words kill. Words offend.

Him: What do you want for dinner?

Her: I'm starting it now.

Him: That's very nice, thank you! What is it?

Her: Salisbury Steak, mashed potatoes. Would you go downstairs and bring up the Salisbury Steak and a vegetable, please?

Him: Good thing you were starting it. If I hadn't happened by here, we'd have starved.

Her: Preheat to 375. Check the box, it's either 375 or 350. Make sure you put a 2" slit in the plastic and put it on a baking sheet.

Him: Who's making this dinner?

Her: Cook the Brussels sprouts in the microwave and the potatoes on the stove.

Him: Are you sure you want to make dinner tonight?

Her: Check the sprouts - sometimes they come out a little cold in the center.

Him: Will do. What time do you expect to be done cooking?

Her: Everything should be ready as soon as the steak comes out.

Him: I love your cooking.

Her: You're welcome.

WTF is Salisbury Steak?  Never mind, I probably don't want to know. 

It's no doubt the ground beef form of hot dogs.

My mother-in-law talked about meat cakes for the better part of a day once. I still can't tell them apart from hamburgers. But you know... I'm ok with that. It made her happy to talk about them, so I was happy to listen, even if I didn't understand. Plus she was cooking, which is always good.  Now my wife laughs at me because I still don't understand the difference. She insists there's a difference. I think this is some sort of IQ test, and I've failed.  Like the time they sent my sister-in-law out for a left handed smoke shifter. If someone hadn't gone after her (a few hours later), she'd still be looking.

Very clever, ATF