Obama's Face on Mars?

 Your love is like  chicken sushi

• How to stop your emails from being tracked 
• also, when the patch notices pop up on your phone from the carrier, install them 

The US Senate will probe if legislation is needed to combat cyber attacks

That should fix everything...

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that will convene an "emergency meeting" of its advisers on June 18th to discuss rare but higher-than-expected reports of heart inflammation following doses of the mRNA-based Pfizer and Moderna COVID-19 vaccines.

Much like Windows, we are the beta testers for Flying AIDS vaccines.

• A small study found laughing gas could help treat depression
• the problem is carrying around that huge cylinder everywhere you go...

Best excuse to get out of an interview goes to Nikola Tesla

  A New York Herald reporter wrote that he found the inventor sitting in a café after he had just been hit by 3.5 million volts of electricity. The reporter said that Tesla had told him that he would not be very pleasant company to be around due to the fact that he had almost died.

Today I identify as  a 40lb package of horse manure you actually pay for at Lowes

 Best headline of 2021 so far:

‘Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide’ Production Shut Down Over ‘Explosive Diarrhea’ Outbreak

I can't find my phone.

Oh.

It's not lost, it's with Wife.

Why is it with Wife?

Hers broke.

Didn't she have a warranty?

Oh yes, the phone broke two days after it ran out.

Can't she go to the phone store?

Eventually. Her priorities are not like those of normal humans. It is not mine to say anything.

Unfortunately, I lend her mine when she goes out, because if I didn't, something would happen and she'd need a phone.

So this means I'm Out of Phone a lot.

You have no idea how dependent/addicted you are to your phone until you don't have it. Alarm clock, radio, email, surgery, browsing....

But then it gets really bad: I had to give her my lock code. She now has access to my entire phone. Have I mentioned that my phone is where I keep some of my more exotic videos and material?

But I think this is where I have the shoe on the other hand: my phone is pretty locked down and very weird. Normal humans could not use it for anything more than a phone or text. You can't even surf the web without knowing how I have it set up. So I'm hoping this is so annoying, she will get so aggravated, she'll get out for a new phone and I'll get mine back.

Sure, it'll work exactly like that.

It would probably be faster to get myself a new phone.

United Healthcare plans to deny ER bills if it doubts you had an emergency

The rollout is delayed but this will get ugly. If it goes into place, rest assured the other insurers will follow suit. 

Mr Smith, we're very sorry for your E/R visit. Unfortunately we've decided that your smashed testicles did not constitute an emergency, therefore we will not pay the claim. You are responsible for the entire $35,497 bill. How's that for a kick in the balls?

Low Taxes Brought Ireland Prosperity. A Global Tax Deal Now Threatens It.

Hang on.... do you mean to tell me the government getting into your pocket less means prosperity?

Hmmmmm..... if I weren't a libertarian already, would I know this? Contrast this with Biden's Ultimate Tax Grab.

• a Philadelphia woman was charged with drunk driving and found to have 7 kids in the car
• this way she'll take out either another car and/or 7 kids. Good planning. No seat belts.

 

$1.2 million worth of cocaine washes ashore at Cape Canaveral Space Force Station

When asked for comment, the Navy said, "We have to fund this boondoggle somehow..."

New Jersey school district removes names of all holidays from school calendar

didn't want to offend anybody 

What about Christmas?

Offends the Jews
Independence Day?

Offends the illegal aliens and the British 

President's Day?

presidents had slaves 

Thanksgiving, Surely Thanksgiving is safe....

native americans 

We could solve this really quickly by telling the district they can remove the holidays entirely or leave the names there.

One of the solutions to traffic jams is the flying car. 

The cars are still years out. Another roadblock, as it were, is fitting weapons to them so you can shoot the idiot in the next flying car because she cut you off.



RIP Lauren Kaye Scott (27), adult film name Dakota Skye.

No official cause of death yet, drugs suspected.

We're watching our favorite rock stars age out. This is something we do not want with pr0n stars

I've heard people say, upon a death, "At least he won't be in pain anymore."

This is just one of tens of incredibly stupid things to say when somebody dies

• She's in a better place
• He's with God
• I hope he found what he was looking for
• let us pray
• is there any pepperoni?

My best thought for a funeral party (thus far) is a Hawaiian shirt party.

Everybody shows up for pizza and anyone who wants to speak tells a story of the absolute most embarrassing thing I said or did. The most cringeworthy. That time I silenced an entire room with something inadvertently. There is no shortage of material here. Just about anybody I've said anything to could contribute a line. The laughter will help everyone. 

I suspect none of it will matter to me.

Maybe mass cards (I'm not Catholic) with pictures and biographies of rock stars (or pr0n stars).

I'd donate my body to medical science, but my heirs are terrified it will come back.