Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I've mentioned my neighbor, the Crazy Lady, before.  She's the one who called the township because we had standing water. The 'standing water' was the dog's pool. She's 438 years old this year and will outlive me. She just will not die. [for the record, I have done nothing to hasten that condition]

She's a bit of a bully and only bitches to my wife. About stuff like our grass being too tall, the car not being clean enough, and one or both of us not showering frequently enough. We have twice a year leaf collection, provided we sweep them to the curb. As it approaches, there are signs. A few years back, she took one down and put it by my front door. I put it under her windshield wiper, because that's the kind of guy I am.

So we pull into the driveway and what do we see? The Crazy Lady, with a power tool, edging our lawn. Reminding myself to be calm, we walk past her, as she explains that we edge the wrong way - it has to be down to the concrete.

Yeah, that was about all I could muster of calm. She's mostly deaf, probably on purpose, and the little bit she can hear gets ignored. My voice carries and I let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she was to exit my concrete as fast as her broom could carry her AT THIS MOMENT. She continues to mumble, as if I had never said a word.  Small wonder her tenant has screaming arguments with her on a regular basis.

As I walk past again, she's still there. I inform her AGAIN that it is NOT a good time to stand on my property, as I will call the police and have her removed bodily.  Well, let me tell you, the Crazy Lady was so upset by my promise that she said she would leave, after she swept up. Lordy, I must have sounded intimidating.

My wife tries to soothe my nerves by reminding me that we are aggravating the hell out of her on a daily basis, but that just doesn't do it for me.

I am telling you, she has survived cancer, body part replacements, a house falling on her, fire, floods, and having me as a neighbor.  Well, technically she hasn't YET survived me as a neighbor.  I wish her no harm - I just want her to SHUT THE #(*@ UP and enjoy the last few hundred years of her life.

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