Monday, November 23, 2015

Disneyland Belgium

Today the Disney franchise announced the opening of Disneyland Belgium.

The world is sick and tired of all the terrorist bombings, shootings and suicides, so Disney has created the perfect safe space for terrorists, terrorist wanna-bes and general thrill-seekers who are terrorist-curious.

Terrorists, heretofore referred to as guests, can feel free to collect intelligence, suit up with an appropriate bomb belt, and take out multiple targets, all without harming innocent people or themselves! For a small additional fee, guests can blow themselves and a small crowd of simulated innocent citizens to smithereens. A medium-size stadium with real simulated sports fans (with or without gate screeners) can be rented with a week's notice. For the truly ambitious pro, a simulated plane flyover, filled with simulated innocent passengers, can be arranged (remember - if you blow it up, it's yours!).

For the large-scale instigators, bent on declaring jihad and inciting violence, huge venues filled with simulated mujaheddin can be arranged, complete with screams of vengeance and adherence to the word of the Koran.

If you're a nation-state, guests can rent a village or town, filled with innocent, lifelike citizens and simulated farm animals for something to do in your time off. Please call for rates.

If you truly like danger, UN peacekeepers can be rented on the ground and French warplanes can drop real bombs on your location. You'll be perfectly safe because President Obama has pledged that there will be no boots on the ground in Disneyland Belgium.

Need that special souvenir to make all your freedom-fighting friends jealous? Purchase a real imitation monogrammed suicide belt.  Get a headscarf featuring Goofy slitting the throat of an infidel. A Mickey Mouse AR15! A picture of Minnie Mouse being used as a jihadi wife (frame extra).

No guns, knives, belts, improvised explosive devices, or rocket-propelled grenades will be permitted past the main gates. You can purchase all of these at our conveniently-located kiosks all over the park, for a low members-only price (plus a 40% bribe and a 50% return deposit).

Call now for package deals, airfare included, or just sneak across our borders.

Disneyland Belgium - come on in and never leave!

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