Wednesday, June 25, 2014


So it's summer, at least in the hot, humid tundra of the Philly area.  And since it's summer, everyone's fancy turns to line dancing.

Yes, line dancing.

How do I know?  Because I got an email at work, stating that we could welcome summer with some line dancing.

Don't look at me that way..... doesn't your company welcome summer with line dancing?  What kind of company do you work for?  Doesn't your Chief Line Dancing Officer send the company missives about line dancing in summer? Winter? Weekly?

The email goes on to say that Josh Weinstein was coming in to teach us all line dancing in two days.  Now how can anyone possibly prepare themself for glory that is line dancing in only two days?  It's simply not fair and way beyond expectations.  And it's killing me because I already took that day off.  Had I known about summer and line dancing, I would never have taken that day off, not to mention using the entire previous week to properly prepare myself for the Big Event.

Summarizing thus far, we have a black Chief Line Dancing Officer informing us that the Jewish line dancing instructor will be coming by to teach some line dancing to the entire corporation (brave enough to attend).

Did I mention that this Great Happening will be Happening during working hours?

You see, I work in the Twilight Zone, where the duck pond meets the yellow brick road.  And I am not making any of this up. Only the names were changed to avoid unnecessary embarrassment, not to mention wanton adulation.

Searching your vast database of line dancing (and we all have at one time or another), how many black people do you recall seeing?  And how many Jews do you remember teaching?  If you think about it, how many of us feel that Jews should be teaching anything at all that requires rhythm?

Before you start sending me Nastygrams<tm> about anti-semitism, I speak from experience.  Way back when I was young and full of misplaced enthusiasm, I owned a recording studio.  My singer had a bunch of his (Jewish) friends over to clap along with a song we were recording.  It looked like a very bad cartoon, with us having to instruct the friends to clap ON the beat, as opposed to AROUND the beat, NEAR the beat and mostly, AROUND THE CORNER from the beat.  As much as we wanted to send his friends around the corner, we all tried diligently.  And we failed diligently.  There was less rhythm ability in this crowd than Catholic priests who don't like little boys.  Stereotypes have to come from somewhere, you know.

So at least we have that going for us.

I'm trying to decide if there's any way I can jettison my out-of-town company and somehow get to work for this very important line dancing event.  I guess if I were smart (a pretty far walk), I would bring the out-of-towners to the very important line dancing event.  After all, they're from the South, which we all know is Line Dancing Central.  Not only don't they have Jewish instructors, they don't have Jews.  As Woody Allen said, 'I asked where the Jews hang out. They pointed to a tree.'


Neato Job Tips #1:  When you're on a webinar with your coworker and their screen is being shared with a salesperson, do not send them obscene instant messages or messages making fun of the salesperson.  They will show up on the screen and everybody can read them.

Don't ask me how I know.

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