Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Brown Wind

So millions upon millions of European carp have flooded your South Australian waters, threatening local fish. What do you do? Dump some Herpes on the bastards. Yes, herpes, which will kill thousands in the first twenty four hours. Herpes - what could possibly go wrong?

  • While we're Down Under, what do you do if you're bored? Well, if you're a fan of black humor, and who among us isn't, you name your portable wifi hotspot Mobile Detonation Device and just wait for hilarity to ensue. Yes, some lady's phone picked up this hotspot and she showed it to the plane's crew, who showed it to the captain, who showed it to two other friends, and so on. The plane was two hours late due to searching and people escaping with their luggage. The device was never found. He obviously should have called it Explosion In Five Minutes.
  • Not to be outdone, a Los Angeles flight was delayed after locating a wifi hotspot called "Al-Queda Free Terror Network."  Shit is about to get hilarious!

When do you use free wi-fi? Never.
If you must, here are some tips from a real hardcore security user.

  • The third largest electricity and water utility in Michigan shut down all its corporate IT systems after a ransomeware hack. Fortunately the electricity and water continued to flow but this is a very visible warning shot on a very important and visible utility. Look for this more and more, with less tolerable effects.

A Florida (of course) woman reported an 'adulterated meal' to police. She went to KFC and ordered two sandwiches, which she believed 'contained semen'. The sandwiched were swabbed for biological evidence by the police.  How does one swallow a sandwich?

  • You're not paranoid if it's happening: A government surveillance program has been exposed around the San Francisco Bay area. The FBI has placed microphones in trees, under rocks, and in equipment, all without warrants, because they don't need them. The program is allegedly an attempt to prove real estate investors are guilty of bid rigging and fraud. Yeah, right. They eavesdrop with impunity.

This should make your day: Employers are having a harder time finding applicants who can pass drug tests, especially marijuana.

  • President Obama has defended his transgender directive for school bathrooms. Still no word on monumental debt.
The BBC is going to close its recipes website to save 15m lbs. And let's face it, with a choice between deep fried and blandly boiled, what use is there for it?

  • The first penis transplant has been performed in the US. Ewwwwwww. Ouch.

Sinead O'Connor went missing for a few days but was found alive in a hotel. She was escorted to the Happy Place. Remember, folks.. depression is no laughing matter, although her voice is. I hope she's  ok.

  • According to NASA, April was the seventh month in a row to have broken global temperature records. Except in Philadelphia, where it has been cold and rainy since about 1939.

Taco Bell will no longer bolt tables to the floor at new "Upscale" locations. Well, the drunken fights at 2am will be much more interesting soon..

As you remember, we had to put Ren the cat down last week.
My wife/kids are telling me they hear him scratching at the door. I heard noises but not that.
Today I heard the scratching.
So I opened the door and let him in.

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