Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Hey Hey We're All Monkeys

Here we are, in week Whatever of the presidential race and I will attempt to explain things to the best of my abilities.

We have:

  • Three whould would like to implement a theocracy, including one whose introduction mentioned killing gays.
  • One unindicted career criminal.
  • One socialist.
  • One demagogue, but at least he's not owned by anyone.
We libertarians don't look so crazy, do we?

Want to know how your candidate views cybersecurity? They don't. They're completely incapable of comprehending it. Judging from statements, they would all prefer that governmental agencies have access to your email, phone calls and location.

In Berlin, a car exploded, killing the driver and destroying the car. Police suspect a bomb.  Because cars explode all the time, right?

  • Rock keyboard legend Keith Emerson (71) has gone to the great keyboard store in the sky. His death was ruled suicide (possibly due to the gunshot wound). We wish his sigficant other and family well. 
  • Depression is a terrible thing: please don't let it go untreated. Sometimes we drink or do drugs to mask the pain... get some help. There are talk and medicinal therapies that help. There may be a community health center if you can't afford a private doc. You can also ask your primary physician.

For some reason I cannot explain, we have a four foot string of bells hanging on the front door. They might have come with the wife but this would have been over twenty years ago (I catch on quickly). The cat, having been 'strongly discouraged' from shredding the furniture when he wants to go out, now rings the bells. Not to be outdone, the dog bangs on his water dish when it needs to be filled. Once again, it's a bitch when your pets are smarter than you.

  • People are getting Donald Trump tattoos. Do you think that, at any point in the future, they'll regret it?

A New Mexico man faces charges after chasing two women around a home with a chainsaw. I don't know what they're so upset about - it sounds like a normal evening around here...

  • The entire Washington, DC Metro line has shut down for a day for inspection. Let's think critically:
  • the system has never been shut down for any reason other than weather
  • the mayor was not consulted
  • not that anything moves in DC anyway but you don't shut down the entire public transportation system during the day, for a day
  • couldn't the system be inspected in the evening, so as to inconvenience fewer commuters?
  • I'm not saying aliens, but....
  • On the other side, this inspection is to check for an electrical fault that has occurred twice recently.
  •    --> When I read a headline like this, I prefer to stop, collect the facts, and hopefully arrive at a decision. It's my version of Critical Thinking. Taking all this into consideration, what do you think?

Meanwhile in Massachusetts, the police entered a bar with the intent of shutting it down, for whatever reason police shut down bars. The DJ must have slipped and played 'F*ck the Police', by N.W.A.(Ninnies Wearing Aardvarks?). As a result, said DJ was charged with disorderly conduct for trying to incite a riot. I suspect this one won't hold up in court, if contested.  In other news, Donald Trump says there will be hell to pay if he isn't elected.

  • Last week I took my lunch out of the fridge to take to work, reminding myself that I needed some barbecue sauce. At work, I discovered that I had forgotten the sauce (like you haven't done the same thing). As I took my first bite, the container jumped up in the air and promptly deposited my entire lunch on the floor under my desk. I'm very efficient, so it hit my desk, the floor, and my pants. It turns out peas can roll over six feet in any direction, and that's before falling. Now I have sauce down my pants leg (think Velveeta color) and I'll be picking up peas for the next week.
  • I've been under my desk and there are several undiscovered species living there, so the five second rule didn't apply. In the end, all worked out well.. I didn't want to eat it without sauce and I didn't have to. Now shut up and go with that logic because if I think about it any more, I'll be very upset. And hungry.

A recent study finds that Seasonal Affective Disorder does not exist. People who have Seasonal Affective Disorder are reportedly quite confused. In other news, there is no such thing as bipolar disorder - people are just moody.

  • A man charged with killing six people in Kalamazoo, MI, says that the Uber app took control of his mind. On the positive side, for $8.95 per mile, he'll shoot the people of your choice too.

After last week's $1,300 Prescription Fiasco, I received a call from my employer. They wanted to know if they could help somehow. Class act, folks.

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