Monday, December 21, 2015

Going for the Boobie Prize

Donald Trump has proposed a ban on Muslims entering the country. I propose a ban on politicians entering D.C. Let the Muslims clean up their own garbage.

  • NICE GUY NEWS: a woman bit a TJ Maxx employee after stealing underwear. It has not been specified whether the woman or the employee stole the underwear.
  • A naked 19 year old man's attempt to hijack a Federal Express truck was foiled when he could not figure out how to drive it.

Scientists have figured out how to create infertile mosquitos. It's an awful shame they haven't figured out how to create infertile Kardashians.

  • James Comey, FBI Director, said the California shooters were radicalized 'for some time'. Funny, that didn't stop them, did it? Another chapter in Security Theater.

Flying Spaghetti Monster holiday cards are back!

Never let it be said that Philadelphia isn't a warm, welcoming place. Just the other night, some samaritan deposited a severed pig head at a mosque. He even went to the trouble of having it smoked. Also this week we had three students violently assault a high-school teacher. The city of brotherly love strikes again!

Philly's own mayor, Michael Nutter, wants to ban Donald Trump from Philly. When asked for comment, Philly said it wants to ban Michael Nutter from Philly.

  • The latest digital threat? Distracted walkers. Distracted walkers veer off course by as much as 61 percent while texting, tweeting, reading and walking. And taking selfies, no doubt.

In Florida (of all places), a man was pulled over by state police for speeds of 100mph and DUI. While this is not out of the ordinary in Florida, it was 3pm and the driver was naked.

  • Porn star James Deen, recently accused of three six eight nine ten rapes of fellow porn stars, is 'completely baffled by the allegations.' In addition, his company is being investigated by OSHA. Because they don't use condoms.

One of the biggest disappointments of the last 7 years, Obama aside, is Joe Biden. Before the elections, he was the Great White Hope of Silliness, taking every opportunity to shoot himself in the foot. Since the elections, he has been silent. A recently leaked memo from Edward Snowden shows that between the odd appearance, Joe is literally handcuffed to his chair. He's let out strictly for public relations and every other Tuesday, he's waterboarded by Dick Cheney.

  • Dirty Dancing is going to be remade for television. Because, you know, we NEED this.

Meet Excel 2016!   No.

  • The Vatican has announced 'irregularities' after $22,000 found in a desk. Thou shall not steal.

A sign in a South Carolina gun store says, "Want to piss off Obama? Buy a gun."

As it turns out, gun sales have taken off like mad during Obama's tenure. Here's a conspiracy theory for you: perhaps 'gun control' was invented by the NRA.

  • The president has implemented 'emergency measures' as border surge overwhelms immigration officials. Hey - didn't you allow this in the first place?

So you want to watch some synchronized swimming, aka water ballet, but it's missing a certain oomph? What do you do? HINT: everything's better with Led Zeppelin. [Stairway warning]

  • It's been a while since the Planned Parenthood shooter first appeared in court. Yesterday he erupted, causing his own lawyer to want to 'explore issues of competency'. I'm pro-life and I'll kill you to prove it.

Sailors repeatedly filmed women undressing on a sub. Does this mean the Village People weren't gay after all?

  • Microsoft Edge has inhereted many of Internet Explorer's security flaws. Don't use it.

How to avoid the new Star Wars movie.

  • A Polish priest and government supporters performed an exorcism on a newspaper to purge the 'lies of the media'.  You know, Father.. Polish jokes don't just appear out of the blue.


Today is the Day of Cray. Robert Cray, that is. Robert is, as you'd expect, a fine guitar player, singer, and writer. You can see him playing the part of a bass player in Animal House. What's not to like?

One of his biggest hits is Smokin' Gun. Great, fun guitar playing and soulful singing. Surprise ending. An almost humorous lead. My late Bad Band used to murder this song but in spite of that, people always enjoyed it.

Nothin' But a Woman is cool riff-based song. Listen and enjoy. Plus, how can you not enjoy a line like 'tell me a boatful of lawyers just sank'?

The Forecast (Calls for Pain) has hit written all over it. Catchy riff, strong emotion, approachable theme. And some cool playing.

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