Your love is like overcooked popcorn smell in the microwave (and your entire house)
most popcorn experiments in my youth turned out rather badly. For some reason, the stove popcorn tended to blow up and catch on fire, like a Tesla.
Today I identify as Millard Fillmore, late president and inspiration for the Fillmore East and Fillmore West concert venues. Guess which half of that I made up.
I'm looking at a food wrapper with the words "Italian Style Meats" on it.
Is this the same as calling Olive Garden "Real Imitation Italian-Style food?"
American cheese is "Pasteurized Processed American Cheese food product"
Pizza Hut is "pizza indistinguishable in taste from its box".
I guess it's some sort of Truth in Labeling law.
It's a shame other things don't have labels....
- Hyundai/Kia: $250 tires and kids can hack into it
- Tesla: Do Not Enter - On Fire or will be soon
- Labradoodle: Invent-A-Breed!
- Crocs: When you need people to know you're an idiot
- belly shirts: Hey fat chicks - don't let the haters get you down - huge bellies are HOT!
I just got RAPED.
Well, not physically, but my butt hurts.
In reference to above, Hyundai/Kia are made in the same factory. Recently a video showed up on TikTok on how to hack the cars. Strangely I never received a call from the dealer. Last night the key fob was either abducted by aliens or decided to follow all my dark wash into some other dimension. This made it extremely difficult to drive the car. Or get into the car. Since I don't have a TikTok account (the Chinese keep trying to steal my data. And my house.) I can't even hack into it.
The gentleman who showed up to help told us this was going to be expensive, if he could even pull it off. It seems Hyundai/Kia has taken advantage of the hack to raise prices through the fscking roof, and there are very few to be had. Thank you, Hyundai/Kia; may you experience this in your own cars. Without getting too specific, the fscking fob was $400. The little fscking key insert was $200. I tabled my plans for a backup set, just like I tabled plans for more guitars. It almost seems to be a race to spend MY money: everything else, or me. I am generally the last to cross the finish line. If you watch closely, you can see me beating myself about the head and shoulders with the baton.
I need to emphasize this never happened when we had manual locks, manual start, but fortunately not manual windows. And THE CLOUD [religious fanfare]. I foresee ten years into the future, where you will have to fingerprint scan, face scan, iris scan, and voice your Social Security number to unlock the car. You don't want to know what it will take to start the car.
Stay tuned for more of The lefty Show, when all the windows in the house spontaneously decide they like it outside better and spring out of their frames, to the ground. When the 25lb dog goes up against the 150lb Lab and 100lb Pit, causing thousands of dollars of vet bills. At least the Lab and Pit will run away when they see her again. When the car's computer decides it doesn't like the new key and refuses to speak to it anymore. When said computer tries to run Windows and turns into a brick, turning the car into a brick. A nice-looking brick. When the fence pulls an AUNTIE EM AUNTIE EM and flies away into the sky, taking our garage with it. When we think for a moment and realize we don't have a garage. When old lefty gives up and just laughs insanely until they bury him. Possibly after.
I have the key to life, the universe, and everything, all over my house!
Meanwhile at home.....
ACHOO
Bless you.
Thank you.
Maybe you're allergic to dust.
If I were allergic to dust, I'd have been dead a long time ago.
You know how there's always one guy who doesn't get the joke?
FBI: Rent-a-Hitman site nabbed Air National Guardsman who was “excited” to killYes, this gag site snared a not-too-bright fellow, who wanted to be a hitman. Someone should have explained to him that his particular talent was only to be reserved for his country, not for rent. Or go to the dark web. Unfortunately he couldn't find the dark web with detailed crayon drawings.
He probably got caught when he tried to pick up some FBI chicks at a bar. He bragged to them he was a hitman, on the Hitman 'R' Us social network. Or the FBI sent him a snail mail invitation to the Be A Hitman in 90 days website. It must've been a slow week.
NOTE to laptop manufacturers: put the mic and headphone jacks toward the rear of the unit. The cables always get in the way.
- If you're having a particularly hard time with your birthday, remember this: the next day you'll be the same age, but your problems will all still be there, plus you can face the horror of new and better problems!
- UFO Theater is back!! For a limited time only!!
- Still no info on the last shootdowns - so much for transparency.
New Zealand, known mainly for an accent sounding like Australia's, was minding its own business, getting ready for the cat-killing competition for children, when there was 'a bit of an objection.'
I have questions.
- What enlightened soul thought this would be a good idea?
- What enlightened soul thought this would be a good idea for children?
- What enlightened soul's boss approved this?
- Have these people never heard of the internet?
The boss' boss got involved after the small objection.
The good thing was that there was not going to be a cat shooting.
The bad thing was that he gave it back to the same 2 nincompoops to fix.
They came up with new ideas.
- cat owner shooting
- shooting the children
- tripping and falling over terminal hospital patients
- pushing pregnant women down steps
This explains the cat shooting. Because it's not the product, it's the gender equality of the producers. Somebody's taking President Giveaway too seriously.
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