She Drove a Red Vulva

Your love is like  the love between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton

Soldier shoots dead politician he was guarding

He seemed to miss the concept of guarding. The Secret Service tried to get in touch with him, but he shot himself first.

Today I identify as   someone who hates Microsoft and discovered Microsoft isn't so fond of him either

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: I see you've temporarily abandoned your mommy. Does this mean you want to go out?

Her: Yeah yeah yeah!

Me: Ok, door's open.

Her: [stands there]

Me: Look, you said you had to go outside, what's up?

Her: I don't really have to go.

Me: Then why did you interrupt work?

Her: I wanted to see if I could get you to take me. 

Me: Sometimes.......

Her: Notice your office?

Me: Yeah, looks like the aftermath of a nuclear strike.

Her: That's me - going for my Inferior Decorator certificate.

Me: Could you try cleaning something for once?

Her: Its not like you clean anything...

Where do I sign up? 

You know... for the memo. 

I always discover I didn't get the memo way too late.

For instance, nobody told me all food servers have to have a ring through their nose. I had to notice it all by myself. It's not hard to pick up, but still.... if I had gotten the memo, I'd have been prepared. It's bad enough I have to look at graffiti up and down their arms and neck. Even on police. Back to food, so far it's only the women, but the men can't be far behind. After the men pick up on it, it will have jumped the shark and they'll be off to the next effort to mutilate their bodies. I suggest sticking with the nose: it's right out there for all to see. If you're going to do it, do it loudly.

Those humongous holes in the earlobes are out, and now doctors are making a mint stitching up the holes. Hmmm..... I wonder if the doctors had a part in suggesting the holes... or the things they put in the earlobes. How about a repro dinosaur bone?  If they want to be edgy, how about a small explosive? One that's semi-faulty, in that it might or might not go off, at any time.  Or a small dinner plate, about 6" in diameter, through the nose. That should certainly establish your Hip Cred. Perhaps a small car tire through your lip. You can graduate to a Caterpillar earthmover after a month. The man bun will be with us forever, or longer. For those of you with male pattern baldness, you can get a Lee Press-On Man Bun.

Of course I wouldn't know about any of these things til I went to a restaurant, because I never got the memo.

President Giveaway has proclaimed Loyalty Day.

This time he's not giving away your money, he's after your liberty. Let's all salute and pledge our loyalty.

It turns out he thought he was pledging his loyalty to doorknobs.  He's running in 2024, you know.

Dead Body News

Seven bodies found in US search for missing teens, say Oklahoma police

is this considered a bonus?

You know the lunatic responsible will have books written about him, as well as movies. 

Corpse found under Tibet hotel bed leads to probe

Now there's a way to screw up your vacation....

Front desk, how may I help you? 

This room.... uhhh.. could stand a more thorough cleaning.

What is it?

No big deal, but the body under the bed is a little off-putting. Smells a bit too. 

Sir, the dead body under the bed is a premium feature, and a $75 upgrade. We'll leave the body there and not charge you the upgrade fee, ok? Uh, Sir?

Yes?

Don't go into the bathroom, ok?   

I picked on Microsoft Teams recently because it annoys me and because it's Microsoft. But the main idea is pretty good: instant communication audio/maybe video for a whole team. Unfortunately the devil is in the details (of how the program is used). We have a New Boss. Old Boss used Teams very effectively, and most importantly, sparingly. It was left to the group to post rude things and observations, as these things should be. New Boss made a crack about a member using email, as if email were operated by vacuum tubes and something to be avoided. I wonder what would happen if he found out I don't use Faceyspaces.  I stopped posting observations but they laugh at my Microsoft struggles. 

Don't get me wrong.. new boss is a nice person, even if he thinks Teams should be used to say Bless You and tell you about the envelope he's licking. Plus, if I had a groin injury and had to go to the doctor, I don't think I'd want to announce it to the team. Email seems like a pretty good way to notify a boss. Sometimes it's interesting to say 'groin injury' because it shows if anyone's listening.

So now the phrase often heard is "what is it NOW?" The program DINGs and DINGs, especially when I'm doing something important and need to remain concentrated on it. But no, I'll have to look at Teams, only to discover it's a reminder for today's meeting, that everyone already has a reminder set for. Another team member gently suggested we not have meetings for the express purpose of scheduling the next meeting. Fortunately Boss agreed. We will have to monitor this situation. At very least, there are certain things we don't need to know:

1. your wife has 'woman problems' and has to go to the doctor now
2. your wife's penis is bigger than yours
3. you're coming down with a cold. or a sexually transmitted disease
4. lunch was really good
5. it hurts when you pee
6. the cop who pulled you over this morning hinted the ticket could go away for certain 'favors'
7. parts of you smell
8. no, sexual harassment training is not a how-to

ROCK NEWS

RIP Gordon Lightfoot, one of Canada's greatest exports. Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister and Head Crossdresser of Canada, took to Twitter to memorialize Lightfoot. Trudeau was wearing a gorgeous white ball gown, in keeping with his manliness and ability to govern.

Also RIP Tim Bachman, of Bachman Bachman Bachman Turner Overdrive, also one of Canada's finest exports. Tim was an original member, but left early, giving us Bachman Bachman Turner Overdrive. Robbie Bachman died in February, leaving us with Bachman and Turner. They sound just fine. BTO came from Winnipeg, a small landlocked island off the North Pole. Their accent is even more comical than 'regular' Canadian. Condolences to Randy Bachman, having lost 2 brothers. He seems like a really nice guy.

Aerosmith has announced their Peace Out tour, allegedly their last. 

Well, you know final tours. The Who had 14 of them.

Not much is known about the Aerosmith tour, but Steven Tyler will be joining the band over a special link from rehab. Depending on how the tour goes, other band members might also join from rehab. In the event that Tyler escapes from rehab, a boxing ring will be set up at the front of the stage, for members to calmly work out their differences. 

Speaking of boxing rings, the largest ring ever put together was built for Journey's 50th anniversary tour.  There was no opening act: Neal Schon and Jonathan Cain sparred for 30 minutes. Unfortunately the humor was lost on Schon and Cain: instead of boxing, each took a mic and complained about the other. At the end both threatened legal action, cut up their Journey credit cards, then came out as Journey, with no original members but Schon. 50 years and one facelift later (sorry, Neal), there they were.

Cain pissed off several entire versions of the band with his newfound relationship with God. Arnel, the singer, tweeted that he wanted none of that spiritual stuff. Cain asked God to help sort out their issues. God, a big Journey fan, washed his hands of the matter and told Cain it was his mess and he should clean it up. God then went off to the VIP section and seriously enjoyed the concert. After the show, Security maintained the stipulations of Journey's contract, which said there should always be at least 3 security people between Cain and Schon at all times. The entire band had to go through a metal detector on the way to the stage and coming off the stage, in case fans threw weapons. In Detroit, police were called when a small gunfight erupted (onstage). 

Cain had a chapel erected for himself and the band to pray. Only himself used it. Schon had a wall size mirror in his dressing room The show was filmed, but Neal had his own cameramen, focused on him, so he could watch himself play for the entire show. This caused a problem on "Don't Stop Believing" when Neal became infatuated with the guy onscreen and insisted on jamming with him. He turned furious when he discovered "that guy stole my licks!"

Yeah, I often lament the fact I can't get people, including my own family, to read this blog. It was driven home the other day when I sent an email to family members. Out of the entire lot, ONE let me know that the links I included were wrong. Normal, realistic people would just pack it in. Stubborn, sarcastic, social media non-influencers will just go on, pretending their family cares and seeking fulfillment from strangers on the internet. Thanks for reading!

this is one of my favorite memes of all time, but I don't know why