Doggie Emesis

It's not like I knew it was going to be a bad day...

• the dog sat down, looked at me, and vomited
• It was Mom's birthday

Mom's birthday is a somewhat difficult issue, what with her not being around to wish happy birthday. In fact, this is the first birthday since she left, leaving an entire family not really knowing what do to. But we survived, with the only weapon guaranteeing success: sarcasm. I hope the dog's vomiting is not related. She tried to bite me when I got into bed last night. This follows a long line of disturbed spaniels, probably from abuse. I turn on a light and call her name so she knows it's me, but that mattered not.

In my mind, bed is the Final Frontier... the last place I go at night... and it should be somewhat sacred. I'm sure you see nothing wrong with that, but the wife and dog do. There is something wrong every night I get in bed. Blankets on the floor, blankets squashed up so Dog can be comfortable, blankets wrapped around Wife, because she's a twirler. We actually have separate blankets for this reason, but if she gets near mine, it's gone. The sheet needs to be stapled to the mattress, because it comes off every night. You probably didn't know this, but sleeping is a territorial acquisition game, like football and Ukraine. So a few nights a week I have to try drone-bombing Wife to regain some territory to sleep. If the dog doesn't move, it's likely that I'll fall off the bed and seriously injure the wall with my head. If I somehow  manage to carve out a little space to sleep, the dog will climb me. No, really... she starts out by my feet. By morning, we're sharing a pillow. This isn't a problem unless she's vomiting, I frequently spend my time wondering why there's a large can of tomato sauce at the foot of the bed, or several colored pens, along with a book on Aerosmith, but I'm too tired by that point. I drew the line at the railroad, though. A man has to have his boundaries.

I could put a positive spin on things by wondering what the bed holds for me this night; instead I'm terrified, wondering what the bed holds for me this night.

• The other night I did my uncle-y duty and went to see my nephew's school band. Each time I see them it gets less painful. The evening can best be summarized by noting that a "C" note should be the same for everybody in the group.

Somebody check on the whereabouts of the CIA the other day. The president of Iran's helicopter went down - no survivors.