It's been a rough week the past two days (from a work rant).
After all the normal crap at work, we had to deal with the Great Air Conditioning Debacle of 2011 (as opposed to the Great Air Conditioning Debacle of 2010). We almost fell out the door and poured ourselves into our cars. Fortunately the cars automatically drive us home or we wouldn't know how we made it (and half of us don't drink).
I rushed home to enjoy the lack of air conditioning there and work on my 2nd job. An hour into it my main job's boss calls: by the way, he tells me... it's 80 degrees in the server room.
There could be entire comedic routines written about obvious phrases, but I'll just use the phrase for now: "That's not good."
We discuss options, I suggest he locate some building people (yeah right, at 7pm). He calls back 10 minutes later to tell me he got some fans set up. One of the a/c units isn't functioning (go figure, it's the building's unit, as opposed to our in-wall cooler).
He calls a third time to tell me the temp is now 85 and maybe we should consider shutting down some servers. Righto - I told him I'd VPN in and take care of it myself.
After this it really got fun.
I'm using my main linux box for job#2, which features a brand new Windows virtual machine. Unfortunately because it's brand new, I haven't had a chance to load the VPN software so I can't use it to connect.
No problem - I fire up the seldom-used Windows box next to the linux box. As it comes up I realize I don't have the VPN software on that one either (although I thought I did). Hmm.... must be on the laptop.
You know where the laptop is, of course... it's upstairs. I've had this laptop for almost a year now and it's always in the same spot. Except today.
It's not really a problem having two jobs. The problem comes in when I have to do both of them at the same time.
I bolt upstairs to get the laptop. It's right where I left it. And the headphones I left with it have knotted themselves tightly around the latop in a death-grip.
Back downstairs with the laptop safely(?) booting up, I try to keep job#2 humming along smoothly. This will not happen. The pen I am using keeps leaping off the papers it's sitting on and trying to hide itself. It may even be trying to commit suicide by diving off the papers onto the cold cruel floor, but it won't get away for long. If I catch it running away I can always find it. If my wife uses it, I will never see it again.
While playing Save the Pen, I'm also noticing that my typing has gotten completely out of hand - worse than normal. Some people are dyslexic. Some just can't type. I'm a dyslexic typist. Every time I type`the' it comes out `teh' or `hte'. If I had a dollar for every time I typed `the' correctly, I'd have a dollar the next time it happens.
As bad as being a dyslexic typist is, my laptop has taken to playing games with me. If you have a touchpad, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The cursor will randomly move to a different line for no apparent reason (like it has three times while I have tried to type this very line). Oh yeah, I use an ergonomic keyboard except on the laptop, making it just that much more fun.
By this time (three hours later) the laptop has booted and I'm running the Windows virtual machine (yes, it's a linux laptop) with the VPN software. Only the VPN software doesn't want to come up. It wants to politely wait its turn til after the antivirus updates. It still hasn't learned that even Windows can multitask enough to update the antivirus and start up the VPN at the same time.
Once I convinced the VPN to come up and connect, I was securely connected to work #1, or so I thought. I mentally went over the list of servers and their IP addresses, realizing that I don't have all the new ones memorized yet. No problem- I just went and shut down the servers whose IP's I remembered.
Or so I thought.
There were a number of servers that would not let me connect. They returned pings but would not allow me to remote into them. One didn't even return a ping. Most interesting, especially with 85 degree and rising temperatures. And the continued efforts of a pen to shuffle off its mortal coil and join the choir invisible.
I went to get the server IP config document and realized it would be a somewhat difficult job, made moreso by the fact that I had just shut down the server that had the docs stored on it.
With a few stubborn servers left, I remoted to a different server and fired up the remote client from there. BINGO. The servers that refused to return a ping or let me remote in started returning pings and allowing me to remote in.
And I continued to type like a drunk dyslexic with a hangover and a bad case of nerves. My neighbors think there's some sort of madman living in my house, who is prone to the most egregious explosions of temper randomly. And that's in the winter with all the doors and windows closed.
Speaking of madman, I just felt something weird and looked down to find my phone's belt clip attached to the laptop's power cord. I could not explain how it got there for all the money in the world and I stopped trying a long time ago. My friend, a woman much wiser in the ways of the mystical than me, said I have a weird house. Stuff randomly leaps up for no particular reason (much like this #*@&ing cursor). When I went to put it next to my phone I noticed there was already a belt clip on the phone. This means that for the first time, something has actually helpfully appeared out of the ether, as opposed to disappearing into the ether. I won't even bother to think about this, as it could cause headaches the likes of which I have never endured.
There are still four servers that won't come down. One won't come down because I can't remote into it. Why? Because we discovered one day that whenever you remote into this blighter, it reboots. So we pretended it never happened and shut off terminal services. Ah, Windows, we love you.
As anyone who has ever used a computer knows, you can't simply shut down a Windows machine, no sir. 2000 Server wants to install updates and shut down by default. If you're not paying careful attention this is what will happen. Server 2003 isn't content to default to applying updates; it wants a reason for the shutdown. As if `BECAUSE I SAID SO' weren't good enough. I need to be second-guessed by an operating system from a state with even more rain than London. An OS that needs to be rebooted, unlike any other OS, such as linux.
And then there's the other server. It told me I wasn't allowed to log in because all the terminal server slots/licenses were being used. Neat trick, especially at 7:30pm, when there's no possible way anybody else could be using it. This turned out to be what Microsoft undoubtedly refers to as a Feature of terminal services (as opposed to Yet Another Bug). When people log out, the connection reads disconnected, but never bothers to go away. I figure this is yet another facet of Windows, the Helpful Operating System. It hasn't dropped the connection slot because it's helpfully holding it in case the person who dropped the connection wants to reconnect.
If you're following along at home, I'm using a linux laptop with a Windows virtual machine, opon which is VPN software that connects me to work. I have to remote desktop into a work server because certain other servers won't let me in. In the case of other servers, I have to remote desktop into a different server so I can access terminal services for a third server, kicking off already disconnected sessions so I can start a real session to stop the machine in the first place (at which point it asks me if I'm sure and what's the reason I'm turning it off).
Got it?
At this point I send a group text message to my team, alerting them of the problem and asking the first person in to bring up the servers, assuming we have attained server room temperatures below 85 degrees. If not, they're to shut down the remaining servers and tell everyone in the company to go pound sand.
Before I started my mad shutting-down of servers, I made certain to send an email to the entire company, letting them know that remote workers would be out of luck and that when they came in, some servers may still be down but will be up as soon as they can safely be brought back up.
The above is an act of pure optimism on my part. I do it partly because my boss asks me to and partly for mmy own amusement. What my boss fails to believe is that all of my messages to the company come with the Auto-Ignore flag attached to them. Thus no one reads them or even knows that I sent any messages in the first place. This has been documented, yet my boss still thinks I'm kidding. Sometimes I have other members of the team send out important messages in the hopes of them being read.
The other battle is that I'm not entirely certain the people at work can read. A quick visual survey reveals to even the most casual observer that we don't hire for looks. A somewhat longer stay at work reveals that we don't hire for brains either. One day perhaps we'll take a poll on what people think we do hire for. Some say it's a pulse. Othes say that a pulse isn't specifically ncessary so long as the body occasionally occupies some space in the vicinity of the desk. Not every day, mind you, but occasionally. The biggest sin is apparently not picking up your pay stub. Since we're required to have electronic deposit, we have to go to Payroll to pick up our stubs. If one doesn't pick up one's stub after a week or two, they go on Payroll's Bad List. After a few similar public humiliations don't smoke you out, they figure you either quit and neglected to notify them or the body is starting to smell.
Tomorrow morning will start predictably. People will amass in the general vicinity of their desks. A small percentage of them will actuall read the email about the servers. The large majority will immediately start screaming that their computer is broken. How have they come to this conclusion? Because they can't get to their documents. Where are their documents? On the file server that is down.
"WHY IS THE FILE SERVER DOWN?" they will scream, as if on the rack.
Didn't you read the email?
WHAT email??
MIS sent out an email. The servers were overheating.
Oh, yeah, I just knew that $&#@ing MIS was behind this. MIS sucks.
[we won't go into the logical impossibility surrounding this, lest we develop a headache of unfathomable proportions]
Even though we will all get there early to lessen the impact of this, there will still be massive whining about people not being able to do their jobs. We will be wondering what all the fuss is about... after all, the internet is still up and they can madly go downloading their Beyonce videos. Since this is more or less what they do all day anyway, it will be very confusing for us.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Security: Sony, Apple and Android
It's been a hell of a week for security. When I say this, I mean in the news. The mess continues whether or not there are articles.
Security researchers discovered a file on the iPhone that stored location information. Apple claims they aren't tracking their users, which is odd, as there is all sorts of location information in that file.
The beast himself, Steve Jobs, admitted that Apple `made some mistakes in how it handled location information', but it wasn't tracking its users. The file appears on both the iPhone and the iPad.
Mr. Jobs states that this was a bug and that a fix is forthcoming. The fix will keep the location cache to seven days. It will also fix the `bug' that didn't allow users to turn off location tracking.
If I were an iDevice user, I'd be asking myself how a file with a year's worth of locations is a mistake. And why does the `fix' keep seven days' worth of the user's locations on the phone?
Not to be outdone, Google mentioned that they too keep location infomation (i.e. track their Android users).
Now let's face it, folks... it's a safe bet that we're being tracked. Only the reasons change. Leaving privacy aside for a moment (like the NSA), your location is very valuable to advertisers. All of this data is going into databases to allow more targeted advertisements to be served to you. Surprised? You shouldn't be.
Imagine driving by a store and having an ad for that store appear on your phone. It's an advertiser's wet dream. Mobile advertising could be a $2.5 billion industry as of 2015.
As the last shreds of privacy have leaked from your phone.
In the interest of disclosure, I own an original Droid and I am not happy with this news, although it comes as no surprise.
Sony admitted that a hacker has obtained the personal information of PlayStation Network account holders. In other words, the hacker now has your credit card number and personal data that you gave to Sony for safe-keeping. And it took Sony a week to report the break-in.
As a result, the entire network has been down since April 20, while Sony does forensics and rebuilds.
Sony has suggested that people review credit card statements for fraudulent charges. Allow me to go one step further: if you have an account with Sony, call your card issuer and ask them what to do.
Technology is a wonderful thing but each advance comes with the near guarantee that it can be used against you. While you're reading this, Blogger has put your IP address, country of origin, browser and operating system into the stats for this blog.
Don't tell me you don't care.... that's as invalid as the argument that you allow the search of your property because you have nothing to hide.
I'm not for a single person being tracked or hacked but I think the wide press coverage of these three announcements can be used for good. People are too trusting (some would say too stupid), even after all we've read and been through. We need to wake up and realize that:
I really want to hear your comments on this. I also want to leave you with a question:
What about OnStar and other in-car wireless products?
iSpy
Security researchers discovered a file on the iPhone that stored location information. Apple claims they aren't tracking their users, which is odd, as there is all sorts of location information in that file.
The beast himself, Steve Jobs, admitted that Apple `made some mistakes in how it handled location information', but it wasn't tracking its users. The file appears on both the iPhone and the iPad.
Mr. Jobs states that this was a bug and that a fix is forthcoming. The fix will keep the location cache to seven days. It will also fix the `bug' that didn't allow users to turn off location tracking.
If I were an iDevice user, I'd be asking myself how a file with a year's worth of locations is a mistake. And why does the `fix' keep seven days' worth of the user's locations on the phone?
Googled
Not to be outdone, Google mentioned that they too keep location infomation (i.e. track their Android users).
Now let's face it, folks... it's a safe bet that we're being tracked. Only the reasons change. Leaving privacy aside for a moment (like the NSA), your location is very valuable to advertisers. All of this data is going into databases to allow more targeted advertisements to be served to you. Surprised? You shouldn't be.
Imagine driving by a store and having an ad for that store appear on your phone. It's an advertiser's wet dream. Mobile advertising could be a $2.5 billion industry as of 2015.
As the last shreds of privacy have leaked from your phone.
In the interest of disclosure, I own an original Droid and I am not happy with this news, although it comes as no surprise.
Sony Baloney
Sony admitted that a hacker has obtained the personal information of PlayStation Network account holders. In other words, the hacker now has your credit card number and personal data that you gave to Sony for safe-keeping. And it took Sony a week to report the break-in.
As a result, the entire network has been down since April 20, while Sony does forensics and rebuilds.
Sony has suggested that people review credit card statements for fraudulent charges. Allow me to go one step further: if you have an account with Sony, call your card issuer and ask them what to do.
Is This a Handbasket?
Why yes it is!
Technology is a wonderful thing but each advance comes with the near guarantee that it can be used against you. While you're reading this, Blogger has put your IP address, country of origin, browser and operating system into the stats for this blog.
Don't tell me you don't care.... that's as invalid as the argument that you allow the search of your property because you have nothing to hide.
I'm not for a single person being tracked or hacked but I think the wide press coverage of these three announcements can be used for good. People are too trusting (some would say too stupid), even after all we've read and been through. We need to wake up and realize that:
- nothing is free
- we will be sold to, regardless of platform
- we will be tracked, by advertisers and our government
- companies need to answer for this behavior
- we need to ask the hard questions before spending our money
I really want to hear your comments on this. I also want to leave you with a question:
What about OnStar and other in-car wireless products?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Uncommon Ubuntu 11.04 Review
As my old readers (and now my new readers) know, I'm a linux guy. I've been using Ubuntu for over five years now, specifically Xubuntu. I only use Windows in a virtual machine because I have to for work. Windows does tend to behave much better in a virtual machine though. Don't take my word for it; look at all of the Windows servers running virtually across the world.
Ubuntu tends to come in three basic flavors, reflecting only a different desktop: Kubuntu features the KDE desktop, Ubuntu features Gnome, and Xubuntu the XFCE desktop. I listed these in order of resources required to run them. KDE is full of eye candy and most similar to Windows. Gnome is middle of the road but I just don't like it. XFCE takes the least amount of resources, thus can run on the widest range of hardware. And if you use XFCE on current hardware, it's that much faster. While there are even lighter distributions (distros), these are the three main ones.
History shows that the Ubuntus are solid, reliable distros, so much so, in fact, that you can generally install the release candidate early, without having to worry about what it will do to your computer.
DISCLAIMER: as Ubuntu warns, do not upgrade production machines early.
I have been running Xubuntu 10.4 since it came out and I'm quite satisfied. I decided to upgrade a machine to 11.04 (Nutty Nincompoop) to see what would happen. In case you have been following the news about the early releases of Nutty, you know there's a huge controversy over the new Unity desktop. There is even grumbling over the new Gnome desktop. Understand that regardless of desktop choice, the underlying bits are the same. You can choose to run whatever desktop you like - you're not married to only what comes `in the box'.
My upgrade process took about an hour but your time will vary because of download and processor speeds. Since I ran an upgrade, I did not have to deal with Unity, it simply booted right into XFCE from where it left off. As for Unity, I used it in the netbook-optimized Ubuntu distro and hated it immediately. It struck me as training wheels that weren't necessarily required but possibly would have helped rank beginners.
If you are upgrading plain old Ubuntu (Gnome), you'll boot into Unity first, then you can switch to Gnome.
If you have a separate Home partition, make sure there is at least 2g remaining on the OS partition if you're doing an upgrade. If you have way too little, it will warn you, but it never hurts to have too much.
I dumped Unity and went with standard Xubuntu on the netbook and never looked back. It's supposed to be more efficient in terms of the screen but I found no advantage there either. Unity seems like one of those times when someone had a `good idea' and it mistakenly made it into the product's final release. In fact, no one I know has nice things to say about Unity. But that's just my opinion: use it and decide for yourself.
You may well ask what it's like.
We just did.
And well you may. When it came up for the first time, I noticed just about no difference at all from my former XFCE setup. It installed the Orage clock/calendar in a panel, which I removed. That's about the only noticeable difference thus far. Again, your mileage will vary with upgrade and desktop, but only with the express written consent of the National Women's Volleyball League.
I was so tickled that I upgraded another machine. Again, remember that this is pre-release by a few days and don't do this to any important machines. That said, there are no show-stoppers at all. Everything works as it is supposed to. There is a lot more included in Settings, which XFCE desperately needed.
Thus far I have not been able to locate a menu editor. This is not a total surprise, as XFCE has had no practical way to alter menus in quite a while (that didn't involve dual degrees in quantum physics and string theory).
Thus far, the upgrade has gone the way most prior upgrades have gone: quickly, quietly, without grief, and largely not too different from its predecessor.
I'll have more as I use it more.
UPDATE:
I just updated a dual-monitor system and was very pleasantly surprised to discover that not only did Xubuntu detect the dual monitors, it had a few small panel settings to make things easier. It has settings for transparency (which I will never use) and allows the panel to span more than one monitor. Little things like this are welcome additions.
Not sure why it felt the need to remove Tellico, my favorite video collection manager, but I reinstalled it after.
I also discovered Broadcast Messaging, which is something that escaped me at first. After a brief search, I discovered this is a setting to give social network status messages when you log into the computer.
Being the absolute head of the anti-social network, I found no use for this at all, even though it was enabled. The day I need my computer to let gobs of people know I have logged in is the day I have stopped using the computer.
Ubuntu tends to come in three basic flavors, reflecting only a different desktop: Kubuntu features the KDE desktop, Ubuntu features Gnome, and Xubuntu the XFCE desktop. I listed these in order of resources required to run them. KDE is full of eye candy and most similar to Windows. Gnome is middle of the road but I just don't like it. XFCE takes the least amount of resources, thus can run on the widest range of hardware. And if you use XFCE on current hardware, it's that much faster. While there are even lighter distributions (distros), these are the three main ones.
History shows that the Ubuntus are solid, reliable distros, so much so, in fact, that you can generally install the release candidate early, without having to worry about what it will do to your computer.
DISCLAIMER: as Ubuntu warns, do not upgrade production machines early.
I have been running Xubuntu 10.4 since it came out and I'm quite satisfied. I decided to upgrade a machine to 11.04 (Nutty Nincompoop) to see what would happen. In case you have been following the news about the early releases of Nutty, you know there's a huge controversy over the new Unity desktop. There is even grumbling over the new Gnome desktop. Understand that regardless of desktop choice, the underlying bits are the same. You can choose to run whatever desktop you like - you're not married to only what comes `in the box'.
My upgrade process took about an hour but your time will vary because of download and processor speeds. Since I ran an upgrade, I did not have to deal with Unity, it simply booted right into XFCE from where it left off. As for Unity, I used it in the netbook-optimized Ubuntu distro and hated it immediately. It struck me as training wheels that weren't necessarily required but possibly would have helped rank beginners.
If you are upgrading plain old Ubuntu (Gnome), you'll boot into Unity first, then you can switch to Gnome.
If you have a separate Home partition, make sure there is at least 2g remaining on the OS partition if you're doing an upgrade. If you have way too little, it will warn you, but it never hurts to have too much.
I dumped Unity and went with standard Xubuntu on the netbook and never looked back. It's supposed to be more efficient in terms of the screen but I found no advantage there either. Unity seems like one of those times when someone had a `good idea' and it mistakenly made it into the product's final release. In fact, no one I know has nice things to say about Unity. But that's just my opinion: use it and decide for yourself.
SO WHAT'S IT LIKE?
You may well ask what it's like.
We just did.
And well you may. When it came up for the first time, I noticed just about no difference at all from my former XFCE setup. It installed the Orage clock/calendar in a panel, which I removed. That's about the only noticeable difference thus far. Again, your mileage will vary with upgrade and desktop, but only with the express written consent of the National Women's Volleyball League.
I was so tickled that I upgraded another machine. Again, remember that this is pre-release by a few days and don't do this to any important machines. That said, there are no show-stoppers at all. Everything works as it is supposed to. There is a lot more included in Settings, which XFCE desperately needed.
Thus far I have not been able to locate a menu editor. This is not a total surprise, as XFCE has had no practical way to alter menus in quite a while (that didn't involve dual degrees in quantum physics and string theory).
Thus far, the upgrade has gone the way most prior upgrades have gone: quickly, quietly, without grief, and largely not too different from its predecessor.
I'll have more as I use it more.
UPDATE:
I just updated a dual-monitor system and was very pleasantly surprised to discover that not only did Xubuntu detect the dual monitors, it had a few small panel settings to make things easier. It has settings for transparency (which I will never use) and allows the panel to span more than one monitor. Little things like this are welcome additions.
Not sure why it felt the need to remove Tellico, my favorite video collection manager, but I reinstalled it after.
I also discovered Broadcast Messaging, which is something that escaped me at first. After a brief search, I discovered this is a setting to give social network status messages when you log into the computer.
Being the absolute head of the anti-social network, I found no use for this at all, even though it was enabled. The day I need my computer to let gobs of people know I have logged in is the day I have stopped using the computer.
Your mileage, of course, will vary.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Ron Paul Announces
Ron Paul (R-TX) will announce tomorrow that he will run for president in 2012.
This is great news for us libertarians, republicans, democrats, and undeclareds. Dr. Paul is the only candidate who states up front what he will do and does it. Known as Dr. No for his votes against government expansion, he is in his twelfth term in the House of Representatives.
While I do not agree with Paul's position on abortion (he's against it but says it should be a state issue), I find myself agreeing with most other things that come from his mouth. I never thought I'd see the day that I would vote for a conservative Christian, but here we are.
Don't vote for him because I said so - investigate the candidate and make your own decision.
This is great news for us libertarians, republicans, democrats, and undeclareds. Dr. Paul is the only candidate who states up front what he will do and does it. Known as Dr. No for his votes against government expansion, he is in his twelfth term in the House of Representatives.
While I do not agree with Paul's position on abortion (he's against it but says it should be a state issue), I find myself agreeing with most other things that come from his mouth. I never thought I'd see the day that I would vote for a conservative Christian, but here we are.
Don't vote for him because I said so - investigate the candidate and make your own decision.
The Ministry of Silly Hats
Those of you who are avid Monty Python fans (to hell with the rest of you) will remember John Cleese in the Ministry of Silly Walks sketch. It's some of the most brilliant (and silly) physical comedy you will ever see.
For some reason, I have been seeing a lot of royal British types in the news lately, perhaps because of that poor girl's impending wedding to Son of Jug-Ears. I didn't realize it until recently but those wacky Brits enjoy their extremely silly hats, leaving me to inquire as to whether or not there's a Ministry of Silly Hats in the UK.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: I understand that the Brits are absolutely nuts over their royals and Bob's Your Uncle to them. I support them every bit as much as I support the right of the French to surrender at a moment's notice.
I just start questioning things when the wacky Americans become befuddled by the royals.
CONSPIRACY THEORY: After a closer look at Kate, I have been led to wonder if she's actually a citizen of England. Just between us, she's a bit too attractive to be British. And those teeth...
Let's face it: we Colonists don't have royals (not counting President and Mrs Giveaway, George Bush, and Simon Cowell). It's ok when it's an obsession on the other side of the pond; it's just plain weird when the American Great Unwashed get involved.
Perhaps there's a break in Americans Idle. Maybe Dancing with the Stars has gone on hiatus. Is Glee done for the season? Who knows?
Still, we have the matter of those hats. Some seem to defy gravity. It's apparent that there is no requirement for them to be level (or even close). Some block out the sun, although this isn't fair, as England doesn't have sun (kinda like Philadelphia).
People features an article on Kate's top ten hats. My favorite is the purple one that she appears to be wearing on her forehead. But don't miss the one that looks like a cymbal from a heavy metal drum set.
These are particularly fuzzy. After that, some refuse to obey laws of physics.
Oh no - look: we're not immune either!
Small wonder the Brits look down on us.
For some reason, I have been seeing a lot of royal British types in the news lately, perhaps because of that poor girl's impending wedding to Son of Jug-Ears. I didn't realize it until recently but those wacky Brits enjoy their extremely silly hats, leaving me to inquire as to whether or not there's a Ministry of Silly Hats in the UK.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: I understand that the Brits are absolutely nuts over their royals and Bob's Your Uncle to them. I support them every bit as much as I support the right of the French to surrender at a moment's notice.
I just start questioning things when the wacky Americans become befuddled by the royals.
CONSPIRACY THEORY: After a closer look at Kate, I have been led to wonder if she's actually a citizen of England. Just between us, she's a bit too attractive to be British. And those teeth...
Let's face it: we Colonists don't have royals (not counting President and Mrs Giveaway, George Bush, and Simon Cowell). It's ok when it's an obsession on the other side of the pond; it's just plain weird when the American Great Unwashed get involved.
Perhaps there's a break in Americans Idle. Maybe Dancing with the Stars has gone on hiatus. Is Glee done for the season? Who knows?
BUT THOSE HATS...
Still, we have the matter of those hats. Some seem to defy gravity. It's apparent that there is no requirement for them to be level (or even close). Some block out the sun, although this isn't fair, as England doesn't have sun (kinda like Philadelphia).
People features an article on Kate's top ten hats. My favorite is the purple one that she appears to be wearing on her forehead. But don't miss the one that looks like a cymbal from a heavy metal drum set.
These are particularly fuzzy. After that, some refuse to obey laws of physics.
Oh no - look: we're not immune either!
Small wonder the Brits look down on us.
Temporarily Released from the House...
My wife became bored with sitting about the house and wanted to go out somewhere. I can't imagine why - it's a perfectly nice house, with all our hobbies and the pets. Fearing a session of Retail Therapy, I figured I'd better go along to control the the Urge to Spend.
We wound up at one of those home stores like Linens N Things. I always wanted to go to that store, find a Helpful Associate, and ask to see their Things. This may be why they are going Chapter Eleven - I dunno.
So here we are at one of their competitors (who have managed to stay in business thus far) and even I'm a little excited to be out and about (they don't let me out much). I found all sorts of stuff there. And I remembered why I don't leave the house much. These stores use extreme psychological manipulation to sell you things.
My wife has this thing about organization. When I say this thing, I mean she is not organized. However, she believes that if she purchases a book on organization, she'll become organized. When that fails, she purchases another book. In fact, we have the most well-stocked book section on organization I have ever seen. Barnes and Noble is jealous. Unfortunately I can't find anyof them because there's no organization to where they're stowed.
I'll admit I used to fall for this trick. In fact, I still do to some extent; I'm just better at catching it before it gets to the front counter to be purchased. I have no hope whatsoever that I'll become organized. My particular delusion is that if I purchase shelves or shelving units, my areas will magically look less like the aftermath of a particularly large thermonuclear device. Or if I purchase power tools, I'll somehow be able to build things. After all, it looked so easy on tv... Have you ever seen a lefty use a circular saw? Suffice it to say that the debris comes out right in your mouth and you can't see the line you're cutting.
Since I'm aware of most of my weaknesses, I just satisfy myself to trail along behind my wife (and make fun of hers).
The first thing she was looking for was her favorite cleaner, Orange Clean. They had Orange Glow, Glow Clean, Orange Oxy, and twenty others, but no Orange Clean. I suggested we go to the front and try to find BILLY MAYS, the hyper-excited guy who does all the commercials for ONE OF A KIND PRODUCTS and CLEANERS THAT WILL CLEAN ANY KIND OF DIRT FROM ANY SURFACE. Why you can even GLUE YOUR CAR BACK TOGETHER AFTER AN ACCIDENT WITH NEW BONDO PUTTY - ONLY AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. AND IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE FIRST FIVE HUNDRED CALLERS IN THE NEXT THIRTY-TWO SECONDS, WE'LL SEND YOU A FREE BABY. BUT WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL.
Can you imagine that guy's home life?
HI, HONEY, I'M HOME.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY DEAR?
I HAD A GREAT DAY - NO, A STUPENDOUS DAY.
DID YOU MAKE A LOT OF SALES?
I SOLD ALL KINDS OF THINGS. AND GAVE AWAY FREE BABIES WITH EACH ORDER.
I'M TIRED. COULD YOU COOK DINNER TONIGHT?
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, DEAR. I BROUGHT HOME SOME OF THE ADMIRAL'S FISH.
THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU, BILLY.
BUT WAIT.... IF YOU EAT THE FISH, YOU GET THESE LOVELY HUSH PUPPIES!
OOH, I LOVE HUSH PUPPIES.
THAT'S NOT ALL. IF YOU EAT THEM IN THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES, YOU GET THIS FREE COMBINATION BACK-SCRATCHER AND NOSE HAIR PULLER!
UMM... GEE, THAT'S NICE.
DADDY..DADDY..DADDY!!!!!!
HI, KIDS!
etc etc etc...
Not able to find Billy Mays, we labored on.
I immediately located the Espresso Storage Ottoman, which I explained to my wife that we could use for storing all of our espresso. She declined.
Like all good bargain hunters, she gravitated to the clearance table, where I observed the genuine KitchenAid Santuko knife, which would become invaluable should either of us decide to commit santuko.
We somehow managed to tear ourselves away from the hydrating therapy socks, although I'm not entirely sure how. Do they do the therapy or do they need therapy?
Right across the aisle I pointed out this year's model of the super soaker, which we've been searching for to help our cat with a little behavioral issue.
Of course there is no store in the known universe that would be caught dead without a huge supply of digital picture frames. I assume you can't put Polaroids in them. Then the iSound Spa, further proving you can sell anything if you put an `i' in front of it.
There was an entire section of bed skirts. I strongly objected; no bed of mine looks good in a skirt. It's an item like a valance, which is a word no straight male has ever heard until he gets married. POOF - all of the sudden he knows what a valance is and can be seen shopping for them with his wife (uh-oh).
Further on we saw an entire section of drawer dividers. These must be for the people who aren't getting their hydrating sock therapy and whose OCD is getting way out of control.
"What are you doing this weekend?"
I got these simply wonderful drawer dividers and I'm taking the month off to organize every drawer in my house. Apparently it's covered under Family Medical Leave.
Then there was the Fuzzy Duster Section. Not a lot of shoppers know that they're also french ticklers and cat toys. As it turns out, not a lot of shoppers want to know this important information. Or at very least, the lady I told was not interested. She looked more horrified than anything else. Bloody ignorant people.
I'm not sure what dryer balls are, but it sounds painful.
So that was our little outing. If you don't get out much and can't afford most of what you see because you just put seventy-five dollars in your gas tank just this week, you have to invent your own fun.
My next story on this topic will be Christmas Eve, when the wife and I grab some expensive coffee drinks and sit in the mall, watching all the frantic last minute shoppers attempt to purchase things. Now that's entertainment.
We wound up at one of those home stores like Linens N Things. I always wanted to go to that store, find a Helpful Associate, and ask to see their Things. This may be why they are going Chapter Eleven - I dunno.
So here we are at one of their competitors (who have managed to stay in business thus far) and even I'm a little excited to be out and about (they don't let me out much). I found all sorts of stuff there. And I remembered why I don't leave the house much. These stores use extreme psychological manipulation to sell you things.
My wife has this thing about organization. When I say this thing, I mean she is not organized. However, she believes that if she purchases a book on organization, she'll become organized. When that fails, she purchases another book. In fact, we have the most well-stocked book section on organization I have ever seen. Barnes and Noble is jealous. Unfortunately I can't find anyof them because there's no organization to where they're stowed.
I'll admit I used to fall for this trick. In fact, I still do to some extent; I'm just better at catching it before it gets to the front counter to be purchased. I have no hope whatsoever that I'll become organized. My particular delusion is that if I purchase shelves or shelving units, my areas will magically look less like the aftermath of a particularly large thermonuclear device. Or if I purchase power tools, I'll somehow be able to build things. After all, it looked so easy on tv... Have you ever seen a lefty use a circular saw? Suffice it to say that the debris comes out right in your mouth and you can't see the line you're cutting.
Since I'm aware of most of my weaknesses, I just satisfy myself to trail along behind my wife (and make fun of hers).
The first thing she was looking for was her favorite cleaner, Orange Clean. They had Orange Glow, Glow Clean, Orange Oxy, and twenty others, but no Orange Clean. I suggested we go to the front and try to find BILLY MAYS, the hyper-excited guy who does all the commercials for ONE OF A KIND PRODUCTS and CLEANERS THAT WILL CLEAN ANY KIND OF DIRT FROM ANY SURFACE. Why you can even GLUE YOUR CAR BACK TOGETHER AFTER AN ACCIDENT WITH NEW BONDO PUTTY - ONLY AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. AND IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE FIRST FIVE HUNDRED CALLERS IN THE NEXT THIRTY-TWO SECONDS, WE'LL SEND YOU A FREE BABY. BUT WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL.
Can you imagine that guy's home life?
HI, HONEY, I'M HOME.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY DEAR?
I HAD A GREAT DAY - NO, A STUPENDOUS DAY.
DID YOU MAKE A LOT OF SALES?
I SOLD ALL KINDS OF THINGS. AND GAVE AWAY FREE BABIES WITH EACH ORDER.
I'M TIRED. COULD YOU COOK DINNER TONIGHT?
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, DEAR. I BROUGHT HOME SOME OF THE ADMIRAL'S FISH.
THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU, BILLY.
BUT WAIT.... IF YOU EAT THE FISH, YOU GET THESE LOVELY HUSH PUPPIES!
OOH, I LOVE HUSH PUPPIES.
THAT'S NOT ALL. IF YOU EAT THEM IN THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES, YOU GET THIS FREE COMBINATION BACK-SCRATCHER AND NOSE HAIR PULLER!
UMM... GEE, THAT'S NICE.
DADDY..DADDY..DADDY!!!!!!
HI, KIDS!
etc etc etc...
Not able to find Billy Mays, we labored on.
I immediately located the Espresso Storage Ottoman, which I explained to my wife that we could use for storing all of our espresso. She declined.
Like all good bargain hunters, she gravitated to the clearance table, where I observed the genuine KitchenAid Santuko knife, which would become invaluable should either of us decide to commit santuko.
We somehow managed to tear ourselves away from the hydrating therapy socks, although I'm not entirely sure how. Do they do the therapy or do they need therapy?
Right across the aisle I pointed out this year's model of the super soaker, which we've been searching for to help our cat with a little behavioral issue.
Of course there is no store in the known universe that would be caught dead without a huge supply of digital picture frames. I assume you can't put Polaroids in them. Then the iSound Spa, further proving you can sell anything if you put an `i' in front of it.
There was an entire section of bed skirts. I strongly objected; no bed of mine looks good in a skirt. It's an item like a valance, which is a word no straight male has ever heard until he gets married. POOF - all of the sudden he knows what a valance is and can be seen shopping for them with his wife (uh-oh).
Further on we saw an entire section of drawer dividers. These must be for the people who aren't getting their hydrating sock therapy and whose OCD is getting way out of control.
"What are you doing this weekend?"
I got these simply wonderful drawer dividers and I'm taking the month off to organize every drawer in my house. Apparently it's covered under Family Medical Leave.
Then there was the Fuzzy Duster Section. Not a lot of shoppers know that they're also french ticklers and cat toys. As it turns out, not a lot of shoppers want to know this important information. Or at very least, the lady I told was not interested. She looked more horrified than anything else. Bloody ignorant people.
I'm not sure what dryer balls are, but it sounds painful.
So that was our little outing. If you don't get out much and can't afford most of what you see because you just put seventy-five dollars in your gas tank just this week, you have to invent your own fun.
My next story on this topic will be Christmas Eve, when the wife and I grab some expensive coffee drinks and sit in the mall, watching all the frantic last minute shoppers attempt to purchase things. Now that's entertainment.
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