As It Turns Out, Babies Don't Bounce

Today's winning headline:

Thousands March Through Snow Protesting Global Warming.


Not even a close second:

Woman Pregnant With Quadruplets at 65!
Part of me is about to be ill. The other part of me hopes I'm still going strong at 65.

I can tell there are no credible threats to the president. I know this because the Secret Service had to scramble to catch a 4-year-old who snuck under the White House fence. I've met Secret Service people... apparently they're hiring different Secret Service people these days.

MUSIC(?) NEWS

Tahiti has succeded in setting the record for largest ukelele ensemble. There is good news and good news: not only have they set the record, we didn't have to listen to it.  In almost related news, China will introduce square-dancing rules, following complaints over disorderly "dancing grannies".  Say what you will about China, but they have some good ideas.  In still more news, Indian music lovers can now listen to Eric Claption's Layla in Sanskrit. How many times have you said to yourself, "Self, what I'd really like is to hear Layla in Sanskrit. Or Swahili."

Incredibly fortunate news here: The NSA has decided to kill the phone surveillance program.  In a completely unrelated story, the KKK has decided to kill the hate thing for the Jews and all brown-skinned people.

Today's Second Best Headline:

Glowing Tampons Help Detect Sewage Leaks.  I included the link in case you think I made that up.

You know whenever there's Philadelphia news, it's going to be amusing and this is no exception. Philly's mayor, Michael Nutter, has been dragging his feet on releasing the report on Comcast's customer service. Nutter has been sucking on the Comcast teat for years. As it turns out, customer satisfaction level was the lowest, by as much as 11%, of other Comcast franchise areas studied over the last six years. Strangely enough, Comcast's home, Philly, has the highest rates in the chart. As if we needed another reason to hate them. Not that Verizon's much better. This is what happens when the local legislators allow a duopoly on cable service.

In national news, the Defense Department keeps losing sensitive explosives gear, then finding it for sale on Ebay.  And we trust these folks to 'defend' the country? I wouldn't trust them to mow my lawn (and you know how I feel about mowing). Even more frightening is the chemical warfare center, Ft Detrick, keeps 'misplacing' all sorts of viruses. Unfortunately they're not showing up on Ebay.

The Facebook Strikes Again: Your chats may be scanned by a CIA-backed company. Of course it's safe to assume you're being tracked on Faceyspaces anyway...

WHO SAYS STRAIGHTS AND GAYS CAN'T GET ALONG?

TSA screeners in Denver set things up so a gay screener could grope the groins of male travelers he found attractive.  Of course this backfired when they got caught. The TSA writes its own material.

The 'You Could Never Have Seen This Coming' Department

Investors in legal marijuana are Tommy Chong and Snoop Dog. Tommy has his own special blend and Snoop invested in delivery (to the lungs?).

Be Very Quiet: Advertisers and the NSA Are Watching You

We here at Thermionic Emissions are very keen on privacy, or what little we can rescue of it. Allow me to share some ways to keep yourself safe(r) and less visible in these weird times. Follow most of them and you'll get the Thermionic Emissions Honorary Tinfoil Hat<tm>. Follow all of them and you won't be able to surf or see your email.

Here are the overwhelming, important items for any operating system and program: Use up to date software, patch your software, use a good antivirus. I'm a linux and occasional Windows user, plus android. While you won't find Mac-specific info here, some of this info will apply and most of the programs run on Mac or iDevices.

EMAIL

I hate to sound like a cave dweller but I long for the days of text-only email. No viruses.  Because we have to have formatted text, smilies, blinky lights and animated signatures, we're using HTML mail.

• You can adjust Outlook or Thunderbird (probably most others) to use plain text or RTF, which is a good first step, although you will miss the graphics and blinkies.  
• Turn off the preview pane, as this can set off a virus, although Outlook allegedly patched this. Better safe.
• STOP CLICKING ON LINKS. I don't care if it's allegedly from your BFF - don't click. Ask first.
• DON'T OPEN ANYTHING you don't recognize. Better yet, don't open anything. Check first.

SURFING

• Don't surf - it's dangerous.
• If you must search, use a safer browser. This means don't use Internet Explorer unless absolutely necessary. 
• Lock the browser(s) down. Turn off Flash, Javascript and cookies. Only use at highly trusted sites and get an extension that allows them per-site to make things easier for yourself. Surf in Privacy Mode or set the browser to delete everything when you close it.To surf more anonymously (but not totally invisibly), use TOR (The Onion Router). It's a little slower but worth it. Do not torrent or watch video - it will be painful and tax the system. It is composed of a specially configured version of Firefox and some invisible routing components. Read up at the site. It is available for multiple platforms.
• ALWAYS use HTTPS. This is a secure connection and much more difficult to eavesdrop upon. Don't bother typing it in - go to the EFF site and download their HTTPS Everywhere plugin for your browser. This will automatically search for an HTTPS version of the site and go to it.
• Do NOT set the browser to remember passwords, unless you want anybody in your house and the authorities to be able to use them too.
• When you set your browser to FORGET EVERYTHING after you're done, don't forget that History has to go also. This is also handy to hide some of those interesting sites you visit.

I use a bunch of browsers for different circumstances. Since I use linux, the only browser I can't run is Internet Explorer, which is good thing, as I don't like to use it when I use Windows.  Firefox is my main browser, which I keep pretty locked down. Qupzilla is a new, very fast browser that runs on most operating systems. It's not as full-featured as Firefox, which is probably why it's faster. Don't forget Opera, which is still around and even includes email. I use Qupzilla and Opera in various degrees of lockdown or open for different sites. 

Why not Chrome?  I'll tell you why not: it phones home. Isn't enough of your life sent to Google already?  If you absolutely insist on Chrome, use Iron or Chromium; they're both open source, free, the same code minus spying, and use all the same plugins. While we're speaking of Google, don't use it for searching: use Duckduckgo instead. It does not identify you or phone home. You can even make it the default search engine in all of your browsers. I use it exclusively.

One of the main reasons I use Firefox is plugins. Although other browsers have them, FF seems to have the best and most comprehensive plugins.  Here's what I recommend:

1. Adblock Plus: stops all ads, period. Just make sure to uncheck 'allow unobtrusive ads' if you want to.
2. Adblock Plus Pop-up Addon: self-explanatory.
3. Better Privacy: cleans up after you by deleting leftover garbage like tracking cookies.
4. Cookie Monster: allows you to block, accept or accept all but 3rd party (tracking) cookies on a per-site basis. I block all cookies by default.
5. Ghostery: blocks trackers and will show you what it blocks as the page loads. Comprehensive.
6. Noscript: blocks javascript on a per-site basis. I block everything by default.
7. Self-Destructing Cookies: blows away cookies when you leave the page. Very satisfying blow up notice.

Versions of most of these plugins are available for other browsers. (Hopefully) buried within the plugins' infomation is their privacy policy. This is very important, as it tells you what info is kept (leaked), if any. Be very careful here. Most leak info, some are downright unsafe.  If in doubt - AVOID.  Be aware that number of plugins will affect performance in all browsers. Check all available configuration options to get the best protection.

ON THE ROAD

Sure, all of us want to surf or check email when not home.  ALWAYS use HTTPS, especially on someone else's wireless network.  It's best to just not trust them.  Any of them.  Be paranoid.  Think before you act. Cell phones are especially troublesome, privacywise. Here are a few things I do with a new (android) cell phone:

• turn OFF all location tracking services (any locators or programs that suggest things based upon your whereabouts or allow you to check in).
• turn off GPS
• try to use (android) apps from F-droid. They're free and open-source and don't track you.
• go to your camera app and DISABLE geo-location, which stops your pictures from having your location on them. Ladies: what happens when you post a picture online with your precise location?
• be VERY careful what apps you use. Only download from F-droid or Google Play, otherwise you may get malware/adware/viruses. Only use apps with a privacy policy with which you agree.
• don't use the default browser - it doesn't get updated. Firefox and Dolphin are pretty good. Don't forget to have them delete everything when you're done or there will be a complete record. You can also get TOR (w/Firefox) on your android device to browse more privately. Don't play with Firefox's settings if using TOR or you could compromise your location or identity.
• Turn OFF your wifi when you leave the house. It's now being used to track and identify you at the mall, where a shopper profile will be built. It can't get your name but when combined with other databases, it will. All you need is two data points to get the third.
• Do you use voice control? Google and Apple  keep voice samples and, coincidentally, the FBI is very interested in obtaining voice samples around the world.

THE UNPOPULAR STUFF

Being the antisocial network guy, I avoid all the obvious sites and services. Let's face it: Facebook is the front page of the NSA.  Everything on the web is designed to track you, mostly for advertising, also for violation of your Fourth Amendment protections against unwarranted search (it's for the children). Just don't use social media (I told you this was unpopular).  People are putting their schedules and locations and sensitive info online. This is just stupid. Don't be stupid.

Don't use online (CLOUD!) services if you can help it.  I'm speaking of storage, like Dropbox, or reminder or social services. Remember: if you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours. Do you really need a to-do list accessible with your browser?  Use a piece of paper or get an app for your phone (that doesn't leak info or store data on someone else's server). Think about what you're downloading and where it stores your information. If you MUST use online storage, encrypt everything first. Encryption is beyond the scope of this post but there are many programs that will do this for you safely, like Truecrypt (still safe, although no longer updated) or its successor. Or zipped with an incredibly long, complex password (encryption is the first choice).

PASSWORDS

Don't allow any browsers to remember passwords or save information, as I said above. Everyone has so many passwords these days that no one can remember them. The solution is a password program, so you only have to remember one password, then you can get to the rest of the passwords, URLs and logins.  I really like Keepass. It's free, safe and available for most platforms, so you can run it on your phone (which is always with you) as well as your computer or tablet.  As you would expect, I strongly recommend not using online password services. There are other good programs for keeping passwords - check online and read the reviews first.

THE INTERNET OF THINGS

We love our buzzwords.  Just when we've had more than enough CLOUD, we're faced with the Internet of Things (IoT, or Idiots on Tour). These are very slippery, ill-defined terms. CLOUD is anything you're not doing on your home devices. Internet of Things is anything that you can access or control outside of the house. Guess what I'm going to say next..... go ahead.. guess!  Do you seriously want a light bulb that you can check on from work? A baby monitor or camera local people can eavesdrop on or remote people can tap into? A refrigerator that keeps track of what's inside and can order food? There is a search engine that tracks open devices all over the world. Some of yours might be there. There are unsecured video baby monitors listed. Do you want the entire internet to spy on your baby?

The security on these devices is non-existent or really not thought out well.  This speeding car is going to crash and it's not going to be pretty.  It's bad enough that your medical records are out where any two cent hacker can get them - soon your house will get hacked.  If you want that for the sake of monitoring lightbulbs, be my guest.  Same with smart watches, phones and your new car.

MY CAR?

Oh yeah, your car. If it's been made recently, it has a 'black box'. If you have an OnStar-like service, it can be listened to and you will be located with it. Do you have a toll saver so you don't have to pay? That will track you too. In some cases it has been used to locate 'criminals' and it's being considered as a tool to fine speeders (your time between getting the ticket and paying is too short, therefore you've been speeding).


Yeah, kids, it's not pretty out there. Do your best to stay under the radar. If you have questions, please ask or look up the info. You probably won't be able to access ThermionicEmissions from prison.

Why Did the Politician Cross the Road?

...because the Road Building PAC paid him to.

It was a glorious morning - the sun made a rare appearance and it was almost no-jacket weather. I mention this because I had to go outside to get the dog before I left for work. He was where he always is - facing the neighbors' house, waiting for his morning treat. He likes to ignore me at these times. In fact, this morning he hid in the bushes so I wouldn't see him.  This plan, although ingenious, failed because he didn't realize that there were no leaves or vegetation on the bushes - just bare sticks.

Our good friends at the Department of the Motherland Homeland Security are offering yet another service to make us safer: Family Reunification Program. This is where we pick up families from three South American countries (at the Mexican border, trying to sneak in) and give them free transportation and a special refugee/parole program with “resettlement assistance” and permanent residency.  Pretty soon DHS will be 'helping' with elections, drivers licenses and food shopping.


FOUR RING CIRCUSES

It's no secret that I live in a weird place, with a weird wife and weird pets. And I'm not exactly standard-issue either. But sometimes I long for a life in which gravity is one hundred percent effective and things don't blink in and out of existence with regularity.  Normal life is boring - I prefer something closer to the middle, though....

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Some of the Potholes of Death had been filled. It was better than I had a right to ask for.  I was expecting a good evening too, at least until I got home.

Upon opening my front door, I was greeted by a house full of smoke. It didn't occur to me to panic; instead I ran to the kitchen, from where the smoke seemed to be emanating.  I was full of wonder, wondering what had happened and which denizen did what to cause it.  Maybe the cat had once again taken up his hobby of leaping onto the stove, turning the gas on in the process.  Perhaps the dog had decided to have his cat food warmed first, as opposed to out of the cat bowl.

Nope... the wife was busily attending to the microwave, which housed some formerly exploded and burning potatoes and taken out the device permanently.  I opened windows and turned on fans, relieved that we didn't have to call outside help.  The police and fire folks occasionally stop by for a laugh when they're feeling down.

After that little bit of fun, Existential Agita started to set in. This is the state in which I start to question Stuff in the larger picture, which sometimes tends to be a little frightening. And frightening it was.. I don't know about other people, but I never have any idea what to expect when I return from slaving over a hot computer. Virtual children, Pet Damage, sleeping wives, things hurling themselves at guests, disappearing objects, fire, and people determined to flee the house for purposes of purchasing Code Red (Mt Dew which tastes kinda like maraschino cherry soda, heavy on the caffeine).  Weary, I climbed the steps, only to discover that the bedroom was every bit as full of smoke as the kitchen. Never let it be said that we do anything halfway.

What did this teach me?  That the next day, my coat and all of my clothes smell like exploded potatoes, which was only discovered on the way to work, in the car.  My new colleagues have already developed a healthy distaste for me.. this will only make matters worse (if it doesn't trigger the building's smoke detectors).

Perhaps a little less explosion would be nice.  Less people (and pets) bouncing off the walls. No trips to the Happy Place. No $250 Performance tires on the Hyundai. No $350 pet xrays. Not another idiot hitting the car EVER again. Fewer days in which the house looks like the aftermath of pets playing with explosives. No more of the wife preparing for a lucrative career in Chainsaw Juggling (or fish gutting).

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I have good news and bad news for you. Unfortunately I'm not sure which is which, so I'll leave the decision to you, my empowered readers:  

1. The Vatican exorcism course is set for April.
2. It's sold out.

Something called Azealia Banks, referred to as a rapper, has stated that she wants to f___ the president. I wonder what would happen if JZ stated that he wanted to f____ Michele Obama [Barack would be horrified and Michele would be on the first plane to LA].  Ok, bad example.  What if Bill Maher said he wanted to f___ Michele Obama. [Michelle would be on the first plane to NYC].  Ok, I give up, but you get the idea.

ABC is reviving The Muppet Show. Gee, I thought they already had with Beat the Press. Shows what I know.

Transvaginal Mesh Machinations

An Indian sprinter is protesting her lifetime ban from sprinting because she failed a gender test. How does one fail a gender test? Did they perhaps object to her writing the answers with her penis?

After watching way too much daytime tv, I've discovered what my ailment is: my transvaginal mesh is killing me. I shall now sue.

In England, a group of Parliament Members state that the names of sex offenders in England and Wales should not be made public until unless they are charged.  Gee, are we hitting too close to home? 

It's been a bad week for bass players. We said goodbye to Andy Fraser (FREE, 62), who was battling cancer and Aids. Fraser cowrote Alright Now. We also bid farewell to Mike Porcaro (TOTO, 59), who had ALS, although details were not provided.

New study finds that women who sleep more have more sex.  I, for one, am not getting more sex. Perhaps my wife is.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is finally getting some positive press! You should become a Pastafarian too.

SPOOKY ACTION AT SEVERAL PLACES

This morning I checked my phone and discovered that there were two calls from my brother at 4:30am. This could not have been good. I texted to ask if all was well and got a confused reply that all was fine, why? I told him I got two calls at 4:30 and he said there was nothing in his outgoing call log. Oddly enough, all I got was an alert - there were no calls received in my logs. As if this weren't enough, my mom's phone called my brother's phone around the same time. She made no such call. But she did receive a call from me at 4:25. There are no outgoing calls listed on my phone and I do not sleep-call.

I don't have any paranormal stuff happening at my house; things are weird enough without it. My parents have a phone that rings in their bedroom at odd times, although there is no phone in their bedroom.  And just to round things out, my brother's entire family heard a voice the other night, saying something to the effect of "Well, isn't that nice?". The children were frightened out of their wits. My brother cannot find any electronic reason that this happened - tablets, computers, toys.....

A MORNING IN THE LIFE

It started this morning as it usually starts: with me hauling my butt out of bed slowly and unwillingly, in utter disbelief that the alarm had gone off. I get dressed in the dark, so as not to wake the wife (on the odd occasions when she sleeps). Some would say I get dressed in the dark even with the light on. I went downstairs and let the dog out, at which point I put on my sneakers and saw the left leg of my pants, which had all sorts of dirt on it.  Damn impressive, as these were (allegedly) clean pants. Fortunately I saw them before I left for work.

Trudging back up the steps, I went for another 'clean' pair of jeans. I found a very clean looking pair which, when picked up, had a pair of interesting stockings caught in its zipper. How they got there, I have no idea (I swear!). I suppose it's downright Freudian that they were caught in the zipper. No amount of zipping, tweezing or wheedling would dislodge the errant stockings, so I had to use my teeth (not unlike normal). Finally I managed to get the pants on so I could go to work. Or so I thought.

In the bathroom was the tv remote. My electric toothbrush has been moving off its charger, next to some device that buzzes occasionally.  Yesterday my wife spent five hours looking for her cell phone. It was in her back pocket. My laptop had migrated under a table and there was a cup of dog food sitting on top of the dog food container, out in the open. There is a very large pot of viscous yellow liquid on the stove - no one knows why. When I asked what that pile of crumbs on the carpet was, I was told a snack.

Somebody's meds have failed. Whose meds is anyone's guess.
Have I mentioned stepping on a dog bomb this morning?


I suppose it was inevitable that I stumbled into a meme generator.


IF YOU EVER WANT PROOF THAT THE PRESS IS OWNED

Go no further than Reporters Give Hillary Clinton Standing Ovation after She Takes No Questions, Jokes about Email Scandal.  Complete drooling morons, doing what they're told and abdicating their responsibility to the country.

The latest mystery in New York City is the rising rate of syphilis. See what happens when you take away their extra large sodas?