The Pain of Kubernetes

Whither Kaspersky

A short time after the government officially banned Kaspersky Antivirus from its computers, you might start seeing a full scale advertising reputation-saving binge from Kaspersky itself. So far they're touting their award as best antivirus in a recent test, their employees doing a lot of volunteer work, and the great smell of vodka.

This is a brilliant shot on the part of any of Kaspersky's enemies, as there is a claim of spying on government data, followed by immediate denial and Kaspersky himself offering to show his program's source code to prove data is not kept by their antivirus (the government did not take up his offer). So even if Mr. Kaspersky is correct, the accusation has produced enough doubt to stop people from using it. As I said, brilliant.

• I like Rolos.

Bathe in my milk?

The sad part is that Social Justice Warriors will get her shut down because the service is men-only.

• if you have a Lenovo laptop and want to install *Ubuntu 17.10, don't do this yet. There's a bug which will corrupt the BIOS. There is a bigger problem than corruption: 17.10 came out two months ago.

Crowdsourcing. Crowdsourcing. I haven't ever said that til now, but I have an excuse.  Say it with me: Crowdsourcing. Crowdsourcing is another buzzword, but this time it's based upon something real and good. There's an app called Gas Buddy. It gives you the price of gas at many different places. It does so because people put in the prices. Crowdsourcing is when the People do the work.

Another fine example of Crowdsourcing is junk phone number verification. Forgive me if this is old news - I'm just getting around to typing this. We've all signed up on the No Call List, right? The list tells ethical companies and marketers (an oxymoron if I've ever heard one) not to call you. Ever. If they do, they can be sued for approximately $500. Of course we don't answer the phone if we don't know who's calling, so we take down the number and enter it into our favorite search engine (which is duckduckgo.com). This will produce a bunch of results, telling you, via Crowdsourcing, who the number belongs to and what happens when they call. It's inevitably junk calls. The only links you don't want to click are the ones that lead to commercial phone research companies, who want to charge you to look up the owner of the number. Then you go to your app place and download a call blocker, if your phone doesn't already have one.

Another trick these bastards use is spoofing. They disguise their number. Some of them disguise it with the first three digits of your phone number. If your number is 213-555-1234, their number would come up as 213-555-3852 or similar, to make you think it's a local or related number.

Your homework is to try this out. And for extra credit, use Crowdsourcing in casual conversation this week.

I find it handy to simply never answer the phone, even when I know who's calling.

• in the Might As Well Live In A Cave department: it turns out that even apps that request no permissions can gather information they don't need. Tests were run, that exposed some minor holes in android. Remember dial phones?

Here's something you can do to end the year right: delete your Google information. Also some helpful Q&A from duckduckgo.

• "To deter identity thieves," Faceyspaces has introduced facial recognition. It's so accurate that it can identify you in photos in which you are not tagged. Faceyspaces: the front page of the NSA. Do you realize what a great thing Zuckerberg is doing by taking a load off the NSA? Or he's owned by the NSA - pick one. We are a nation of morons.
• In other facial recognition news, Windows' Hello Face recognition has been fooled by a picture. 
• We have one system that's a giant facial recognition database and one operating system that can't recognize you.

The Holidays

It was a festive time, it felt like a really long time. And this was just half a day.
We have a family tradition I like to follow: Mrs. lefty goes and makes merry, while I stay home to keep the dog company. Unfortunately it rarely works this way.

For his part, Marshall really does have to stay home because he doesn't like dogs. We think it's just denial; if he sees dogs, he has to face the reality that he is one. Everywhere we visit has dogs, so it doesn't work well for him. One house had a full grown St. Bernard. Have you ever seen a full grown St. Bernard? You can pretty much saddle him up and give rides (to the adults). He was very friendly, and wanted nothing more than to play with the boxer, who we call Licky Dog, because she'll jump in your lap and kiss you to death (kinda like our vice president). She loves everybody, and despite her medium size, is all heavy muscle.

As I type, Marshall is on guard, protecting the house from invaders only he can see, barking like a mad dog. As far as I know, the medicines don't produce hallucinations, but the house is a pretty crazy place.

Failing once again to stick to Dog Duties, I wanted to visit the in-laws, who venture three hours to see the family. They live in the Valley That Time Forgot, where the only sign of civilization is the huge new Walmart, only an hour away. Mom-in-Law is absolutely thrilled because she comes to visit and has a choice of three supermarkets and actual restaurants. And nary a pickup truck with a gun rack.

So the idea was to go Christmas eve and spend some time with them. When I say 'idea,' I mean if I fail to go visit, it will be used as a rather large weapon sometime later on down the road. YOU DON'T EVER SEE MY PARENTS. Get the idea? It's not that I don't like them - they're very nice people.. it's more that I'm working diligently on my agoraphobia certificate, where I don't leave the house, except for that damn pesky work. Plus if I went on the eve, I wouldn't have to deal with the barrage of family that would descend on the house on Christmas itself. This was an absolutely brilliant idea.

But, like all absolutely brilliant ideas, it was doomed to failure.

I was awakened, sorta, way too early in the morning, when my wife barged into to tell me one of the family members had an 'episode,' wherein he could not get his wife, who was in bed, to respond to him. We looked at each other, and spontaneously intoned, "Genuine Hissy Fit<tm>," only without the <tm>. As I gratefully went back to sleep, she jumped on her white horse and sped off into the distance (she drives a Ford Distance).

I got up around the crack of noon, as is Tradition, at which time the wife let me know that everyone was fine, and it was just a Genuine Hissy Fit<tm>. I could make a lot of money by going into business, diagnosing people over the phone. Remote Medicine. The technology is fresh and ripe, but like vegetables, no one wants to eat it.

Since she was already there, she would go to see her parents without me.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This meant I'd have to go on Christmas day. With actual PEOPLE!

In addition to working on my agoraphobia certificate, I already have an Introvert certificate. This is not a diagnosis: this just IS. By way of explanation, an extrovert is the guy at the party who drinks beers, watches sports, and talks LOUDLY with his couchmates and anyone who walks in the door. LOUDLY. No one has actually arrived at the house until the extrovert has said their name, as they come through the door.

An introvert is the person who says hello where he has to, then immediately looks for a place to hide, so no one will (heaven forbid) TALK to him. He doesn't like or talk sports, may not drink alcohol, and likes Coke, but all they have is Diet Pepsi, because only women drink soda and if women drink soda, it has to be diet (to wash down the triple fudge donuts and pound cake). Pound cake is named for the way you consume it: you pound it down. I don't like it, even though the cake also comes in chocolate.

The house is very strangely set up, with lots of rooms, in a triple split level dual range oven configuration, with a lovely sun room downstairs. This is actually a very unfortunate addition, as we haven't SEEN the sun in over three weeks. The state police have put out a BOLO (Be on the Lookout) for it, as the precipitation has caused accidents and is threatening to turn downtown into a swamp. Moreso. The room is screened in only, so you get the benefit of a comfy couch, a grill (because everyone grills indoors, don't they?) and the lovely, gray, twenty degree weather). It's everything everyone wants from a Christmas celebration. And I couldn't even hide there, as it was some sort of staging area for the dogs, who took turns getting their paws muddy in the back yard, which resembled an incredibly dirty pool. Ever see someone try to un-muddy a St. Bernard? He was having none of it.

Therefore my hiding place was a rocking chair, smack in the middle of the living room, where everybody was making inebriated chat and greetings. I somehow managed to make the spot into a lefty Zone, whereby it was borderline invisible. Either that or the family was absolutely terrified of me, which is more likely. They don't know how to deal with an introvert who doesn't like sports, and worse, is about ready to shoot the large screen tv, from which is emanating the lovely sounds of Bad Christmas Music. What kind of music is Bad Christmas Music? All of it.  I took advantage of the fact that last year, everyone was playing with their phones and not talking. Unfortunately, this year I was the only one. I went virtual shopping at Guitar Center, which is open 24/7 online, and you don't have to deal with LOUD other guitar players and little kids trying to play ridiculously complex songs that more experienced players cannot play. Like.. ahem... me.

And then it happened: a child arrived. They tell me the child was one, which they have to tell me, as I can't identify child ages because I just don't care. You wanna know how to turn an entire room full of intelligent, competent women into monosyllabic, silly, almost drooling people? Bring in a baby. The entire family appeared as if they had never seen a baby before.  I don't like children any more than I like adults, so I made all efforts to widen the Cone of Silence, so the child would not see me. Unfortunately, children, like cats, sense that you're not fond of them and come to visit, sometimes jumping in your lap. I waved at it and suggested it ride the St. Bernard, who we took to calling Horsey.

By this time, every hallway and crevice was jammed with people. Loud people. I attempted to leap under the rocking chair, but there was no room, as my wife's tolerance for noise has been shrinking to match mine.

As the two hours we were going to stay got closer to seventeen, it was time to go. This was very fortunate from a health point of view, as my head hurt like it was under a huge bell as it was being rung, and the voices were telling me to do things I would surely be arrested for.

My favorite part of the visit was when we were leaving (it's not what you think, although that's pretty amusing), several children and people started shrieking at something simultaneously, causing me to wince in pain. The hostess asked what was wrong with my eye, as I was squinting from the pain. I felt bad about telling her the truth and made some excuse about being allergic to St. Bernard drool (yeah, they drool - and they can sometimes launch it so it slimes the person halfway across room, on the couch, who hasn't seen the dog and is now wondering if they should call Ghostbusters).

After about twenty years of my wife making it clear, no one got me anything. Some people would feel sad and excluded. Like the season, I felt joyous. I wouldn't have to pretend I loved the handmade red and orange-checked sweater from Kohl's or the ADIDAS FOOTBALL sweatshirts somebody got free with the large box of Real Good Brand golf balls.  Aside from having to visit people, I did very well: only my parents got me a gift, as there is no talking to them. The dear old neighbor who Marshall has trained to feed him on command, sent over some dog treats. We feel bad that she spends so much on hot dogs, so we get her grocery store gift certificates. This also benefits her sister, who recently went through training too. People who don't live there know Marshall and ask after his health.

I like Christmas, in that I get a lot of time off work, so that I can sit around like a vegetable. I'd prefer to sit around like a puddle, or at least a fruit - something sweet - but one must go with what one has. Since Marshall's ex-cat used to have the Christmas tradition of disemboweling the tree and breaking all the one of a kind ornaments, we didn't have a tree for many years. We were going to break that tradition as Marshall's cat left us last year, but we didn't.

This is not a normal household (no, really?). The effort required to get anything done on a timely basis is frequently too much, rendering the project worrisome but invisible, hence we did not have a tree last year. When I say we didn't have a tree, we actually have two: in boxes in the shed. Getting at least one of them to the house and assembled is something close to a Christmas miracle. This year, determined to make things festive, we bought an ornament six months ago. Please hold back your excitement. It was an Eeyore ornament, per tradition, and Wife did not remember purchasing it, also per tradition.

So as of Christmas Eve, the ornament was safely tucked away, somewhere, in its box. Kind of like the tree. Most of the neighborhood has amazing light displays and houses all perked up and decked out for the holidays. Our house was still standing, for which I was grateful. The unstated bonus of not putting up a tree is that you don't have to take it down (by February or so).

• Speaking of Christmas, some nice person gave us a box of chocolates. Wanna know when you day is starting badly? She got the coconut cream, then the orange cream.
• Being the more cautious of the pair, I waited twenty four hours. Everybody was still alive, so I thought I'd take a shot. I love candy. My first dilemma was which one should I have? The map on the inside of the top promised maple cream, which sounded exactly like the candy I didn't know I needed. AAAAAAAAAh - that was disgusting. Normally my reactions are not that strong, but the taste was disgusting. If I were a food critic, I'd say something like, "It was vaguely chocolate, with hints of fruit and freshly mowed grass," but it would have more sarcasm to it.
• I figured it had to be user error - maybe I was holding the map upside down. I turned it around but there was no Chocolate Fruitgrass listed. Since it's just rude to put the half-eaten confection back, I lobbed it into the trash. It was a Christmas miracle: it went into the can! I can't hit a small city with an H-bomb.
• Alignment of the map was considered complete when something involving nuts looked like it was a little lumpy. I was going to play it safe this time, with a caramel chocolate. After all, how can you f- that up?
• I have no idea, but they did. Another foul confection from Granny's Grass Candies, Inc. I ran around the house like I was on fire, putting in anything that would fit into my mouth to kill the taste: forks, a pan of congealed bacon grease from this morning, the battery from the lawnmower, and several shot glasses, all to no avail.
• I grabbed the kitchen tongs and gingerly placed the lid back on the assortment, hoping beyond hope that nothing in that box would touch my skin. Or my house. T'was then I saw the front of the box. There was no warning label. There were no flashing lights. Not even a nuclear radiation sign. THEY WERE DIET CHOCOLATES!
• How can someone so sweet give an xmas present that even Satan himself wouldn't eat? These people are serious church people, so I figured it's relatively safe to assume they're down with the Thou Shalt Not Kill thing. If I had the balls, I'd pick up the box and see what they used to sweeten it. I'll put lots of things into my mouth, like GMOs and table legs. My wife eats cheese that smells like sweat socks that have been marinated for an entire year. But I will not eat artificial sweeteners. Aside from the fact they cause cancer, they taste horrible. I can detect one part per million.
• As against governmental regulation as I am, someone needs to put warning labels, flashing lights, and an audible alarm on these things, for the good of the public [cue Monty Python Whizzo Chocolates Assortment; Crunchy Frog].

In case you missed the news over the holiday season, employees of Microsoft  and Amazon have been caught using prostitutes who are victims of human trafficking.  So just remember, every time you use Windows or order from Amazon, you're supporting human trafficking.

No, wait, that's not it.
We have two separate discussion points that are not separated in the article.  As a libertarian and human, I have nothing against prostitution: we are sovereign over our own bodies and cannot be told what we can or can't do with them. Since the services are advertised as escort or massage (or towing), they are legal.  Unfortunately, prostitution is used as an embarrassing term to gain leverage.

The main item is human trafficking. This is beyond horrible.  Women are brought here from other countries and told they owe money or their family is threatened unless they cooperate.  Fortunately, some of this is coming into the light.

How the Microsoft and Amazon employees are supposed to know their prostitutes are victims of trafficking is beyond me (and them, apparently). I say this as a libertarian and human, even if it requires me to defend Microsoft.

The only funny part comes from the employees, who used their work email addresses to order the services. Let us think about what would happen if we ordered 'massages' on company email?  I would get a visit from my boss, stating that if I had one, I'd need to provide everybody else with one too.

* Kubernetes is an open-source system for automating deployment, scaling and management of containerized applications

Merry Xmas from lefty Claus

Bottled Snakes?

So we smartasses know we're being tracked by our cell phones. Some of us don't care. Some of us are positively incensed, bordering on explosion. We turn off Location functions and the GPS, but we know we can still be located by cell tower triangulation.

We also know that apps use ad networks, potentially both spying on your location, and whatever other info they care to gather.

Well, guess what.... there's a new way to track us suckers. It takes 2,000 lines of code, inserted into an app that can go tens or hundreds of thousands of lines.  What can we do? Absolutely nothing at the moment. Well, that's not strictly accurate: you can turn off the phone. There are hardware and software features than can be implemented, but that depends on the phone manufacturer and Google (for android) or Apple (for iOS). Considering that manufacturers don't seem to bother pushing out security updates, I doubt we're going to see privacy upgrades.  Having said that, I'm not sure if we're going to see this code in apps, as there's detective work to be done to find where the phone thinks you are. This doesn't mean the operating system won't have it in the future.

When I said the only thing you can do is turn off the phone, I wasn't completely accurate. You can also firewall the phone and decide specifically where the app can go to, but that's only for really strict privacy weirdos, with control issues and way too much time on their hands (raising hand, sporting evil grin).

• New Zealand's airport customs folks, while examining packages, came across (non-live) snakes. Because there's always (non-live) snakes being sent all over the world.  Two of the little beauties were positioned on a base, 'standing up.' The other two were in jars. Because when we don't send taxidermied snakes, we send them in jars.

Knowledge Transfer

I believe in sharing knowledge, both at work and at home. Knowledge is power. 

Let's say you're going to England and want to sound like a native. Well, the first thing you have to do is learn the accent, which tends to vary from block to block. Then you have to learn the lingo.

Let's start: 

• When you need your car repaired, you take it to the GARRidge.
• If the plane goes down on the way over, the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) will look for DAYbree. This is the kind of word you can be smug in knowing, but will not get a chance to use after the plane touches the ground.

Learning the accent and language are only two thirds of the package. For some reason known only to Julius Caesar (inventor of the dressing), the Brits spell words incorrectly. A lot of words. They watch their favourite television programmes in their vividly coloured pyjamas. In their defence, they pay for a television licence with aluminium foil. They keep their spare tyres in the boot of the car. Instead of a wrench, they use spanners. I have a cocker spanner.

England and the United States: two countries separated by a common language.

• There's another nephew orchestral concert this week. I'm already building myself up for the event. Wife suggested copious amounts of drugs. I may just go with the flesh-colored earplugs.

It's Saliva Time, Kids!

There is a Chinese delicacy called bird's nest, which is made from bird saliva. The Chinese are a very silly people.

Since this lovely dish is a delicacy, we can reasonably expect that Bird Saliva Harvester is an honored position in China. WANTED: Bird Saliva Collector for 1,500 year old Bird's Nest dynasty. All male heirs have killed themselves in advance, rather than take the position. Fair pay and ducks to hang in your window. No forks.

In the name of humanity, who thought up this dish?

After a bit of digging, it is rumored to have originated with a Mr. Too Faht, special cook to the King of China, in or around the year 245BBS (Before Bird Saliva).  The king wanted something new, something special, something so rare and delicious that the kings of other countries would be terribly jealous, when they gathered at their King Retreat, located at the fabled Basketball Stadium of China. Interesting historical note: archaeologists have ancient China mapped out, but have never been able to locate the Basketball Stadium. It is rumored that the reason the Stadium cannot be found is that it was located next to the mythical Chinese Driving School.

Too Faht, the cook, was a fat, lazy man, with the occasional brilliant idea. Unfortunately, the majority of his ideas were total shit. After the King's demand, Too Faht didn't want to bother because he had a planned an entire night of sitting. It was then that he came up with one of his more brilliant ideas. He would suggest something so disgusting, so supremely vile, that the King would lose his appetite and suggest Too Faht take the night off.

So the cook told the King of his latest idea for a delicacy, called bird's nest, made entirely of bird saliva. Too Faht stood there, visions of ChinaLoungers in his head, when the King thought about it and declared, "That must really be something Faht... make me one." And that is how we got Bird's Nest.

How the bird saliva is collected is a closely guarded secret, known only to Bird Saliva Collectors and their mentors, at Chinese Driving School. With that name, no one would think saliva collecting was going on, plus no one would show up at the school anyway.

• There is now a hair shampoo with caffeine in it. This way, at least your hair will be awake in the morning.

Our last installment featured news of more human feet washing ashore in Canada. In true American spirit, Detroit floated to the top, where human organs were found at a wastewater treatment plant. But that wasn't all. This was the second time in two days. Either the mafia is getting lazy or rank amateurs are attempting body disposal again.

• RAF Mildenhall is an American base located in England, where today, a man drove onto the tarmac, stopping just short of a CV-22 Osprey. After a brief firefight, the man was taken into custody. This is, of course, not terrorism. The base spokesperson hasn't see the video and the investigation is in its early stages, but she already knows it's not terrorism. America is lucky to have this kind of psychic talent on its side.
• He drove onto the airfield of an American base and parked near a plane. How in the Sam Hill (where did that come from?) did the man get near the military base? You have to have all your papers in order, including your birth certificate and whether or not you were breastfed to get onto a military base (don't ask how I know). If you attempt to breach the gate, you will quickly gather more holes than Swiss cheese. Maybe the airfield is accessible via a route other than the front gate, but that doesn't sound so tactically smart.
• Our friends at the TSA are worrisome enough, but now this?
• I remember when the Ospreys first came out. They had so many problems with it that the saying was "Boeing killed more of our people than the enemy." You'd think the guy would get out of the car and an engine would fall on his head or something.
• at least it's not terrorism.

How's Marshall?

Glad you asked. The previous chemotherapy stopped early because he's doing so well. He will likely go on oral chemo. The oncologist wants to do another operation, most likely due to the new kitchen she's planning. After all, we just finished paying off her Mercedes.

Meanwhile, Marshall is in great shape, physically and attitude-wise. He's running around like a puppy (at 13). He still whines a lot when he wants something. When we've had enough, we tell him. Then he goes to take a nap in the bed. He's an enigma, wrapped in fur.

In the Ridiculous Coincidence department, we were overjoyed that the oppressive vet bills have ceased. Maybe the Flying Spaghetti Monster would visit for FSMas after all! But it was not to be... somehow the city heard that there might be some discretionary income and sent a huge bill for funds not taken out of my check by my awesomely alert employer.

Certain schools of thought state that we live many lives, each time to learn a lesson.  If this were true, this time around, I'm learning to value what I have, as something always manages to suck up every dollar I make. I'd let you know what I find out, but there seems to be inexplicable difficulties involved in communicating post-mortem.

• it's another one of those weird weeks. For the second week in a row, it wasn't raining when I took the trash out (at gunpoint). Something's up.
• Speaking of weird trash, I've got something wrong with me. At this point you're saying "and it took you this long to notice?" I am utterly incapable of putting things in bags. Sure, I can grab some fries and put them in a plastic bag, but if I have to put something in an open trash bag, I will wind up wearing it or cleaning it up off the floor. My wife wonders why I won't go near her if she's holding a bag open, asking me to dump something inside it.
• It doesn't matter if she's holding the bag open with a three foot radius - whatever I try to put in it will wind up everywhere but IN it.
• I have yet to ask the doctors what happens in childhood that would cause this, because I have much more pressing issues to discuss with them.
• Someone suggested it might be related to my lack of basketball skills, but I pointed out that I'm equally horrible at all sports.
• I can put things into other things.... in fact, it's my favorite hobby. No one ends up wearing it*, nor does it wind up on the floor.  *unless specifically requested
• Sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It's because I just had a horrible nightmare about trying to put one small bag into a larger bag. Eager to help, my wife bought earplugs.

France just halted an auction of a manuscript by the Marquis de Sade, referring to it as a national treasure. Eh - national treasure... instruction manual... whichever.

• President Trump, and his cadre of Very Smart IT People, have officially blamed Wannacry on North Korea. North Korea's response, from King Kong very Ill, was, "Nyah nyah, you can't catch me, imperialist pig, with your hair even sillier than mine!"

I'm thinking of getting politically involved...

Unidentified Flying Objects - the Disclosure Debacle

UFO Disclosure

This is gonna be a whopper.

You have been warned.

The government just admitted that the Pentagon spent $22 million, at the behest of Harry Reid, on the study of ufos. People (and radio/tv hosts) are starting to use the D-word --> Disclosure.

I'm here to tell you I smell a rat. That's right, I'm calling Shenanigans.

Things have to be pretty bad before I call Shenanigans.

If you're in the intelligence business or if you like to sound like a badass on Faceyspaces, you refer to this as an OP, meaning operation, or psyop. This is CIA-speak for Running One Past You.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if this bit of news were correct; $22 million was spent on a ufo study in the 2000s. But before we consider the reason for this admission, let me give you a little history, ok?

• In 1947, something went down on a ranch near Roswell, NM. Roswell Army Air Force Base (there was no separate Air Force then) was the first nuclear bomb drop facility in the country. There are official records of debris being flown to Texas and Wright-Patterson AFB, in Ohio, which is a test and research facility. There are hundreds of witnesses on record, some who saw the debris. 
• Shortly after Roswell, there was the Battle Over L.A. Something really huge hovered over Los Angeles. We called out the armed forces, who threw everything, including the kitchen sink, at it, with absolutely no effect. When it was done hovering, it simply went away. This was the first time 'weather balloon' was used as an excuse.
• In 1952, a flotilla of somethings flew over the White House on two consecutive weekends. When the interceptors got close, they disappeared. There are many witnesses and radar traces.
• 1967 At Malmstrom Air Force Base, a large orange light appeared in the sky and came toward the base. Frightened calls were made and the captain went out to see it. And he saw a bright orange light/object flying over the base, in an intelligent matter. Shortly thereafter, he discovered that every one of the nuclear missiles had gone offline. It took days to put them back online.
• In New Years 1980, at a joint UK/US base, over 2 or 3 nights, there were lights and objects flying over and around the (nuclear-equipped) base. One night there was a patrol sent out into Rendlesham Forest to look for the source of the lights. There is a recording available of the leader, narrating as they went along. They watched something land. Some soldiers interacted with it.
• At a school in Ruwa, Zimbabwe, a silver craft landed. There were many witnesses, as well as children who spoke with the being(s) that came out of it.
• Footage from gun cameras, radar traces, reliable human witnesses, pilots, and airports have provided detailed information on sightings and landings. In many cases, a member of the armed forces attended a debriefing, sometimes with unidentified men in dark suits. The men disappear with the evidence and swear everybody to secrecy ("This never happened.")
• When there is an incident in other countries, the US military is frequently called in to help (documented in Mexico, Canada, and Brazil).
• On two occasions, massive ships flew across Phoenix, Arizona - the Phoenix Lights. These humongous black ships flew very slowly and hovered in spots. The government said it was flares. Hovering flares. Mile wide flares that moved in perfect precision.
• In 2008, there were thousands of witnesses to the large object that flew over Stephenville, Texas. Several months later, the Mutual UFO Network (MUFON) released its report. The Air Force said it was reflections, then said there were F-16s on a training mission. The Air Force always knows where its planes are, except when a convenient excuse is required. Even if they weren't lying, there's a very important fact that's not mentioned: the ufo flew near then President George Bush's ranch in Texas. There is a No Fly Zone over the White House and many other important buildings. There is a huge No Fly Zone over the president's ranch, yet this object came close to it. Do you think a ufo would be allowed to breach a No Fly Zone without the equivalent of World War III breaking out in an attempt to protect the president?
• In Socorro, New Mexico, Lonnie Zamora, a police officer, saw a craft on the ground with occupants walking around near it.
• In 2006, something appeared over United Terminal C at Chicago's O'Hare airport. There was obviously no shortage of trained professionals witnessing the event. The object posed a great risk for airplanes taking off and landing. When it was done hovering, it shot up through the clouds and left a hole. Two years later, a witness came forward with his account, pictures and video. The event made the news and promptly disappeared.
• Way up there in Shag Harbour, Nova Scotia, where you can cut the Canadian accent with a knife, something flew into the water. It was spotted by an airplane captain, a ship's captain and crew, and many civilians. More happened than got mentioned in the official reports. A glowing object plunged under water and was chased by the locals and two navies. It was followed by the US Navy, where it watched a second glowing object 'fix' the first one, then both of them flew away into the air.
• As a dummy nuclear missile left its pad at Vandenberg Air Force Base in 1964, a small object maneuvered around it, firing in a beam at several points. The missile failed, taking a dive into the Pacific Ocean. The Air Force has the 35mm film, as seen by Lieutenant Robert Jacobs.
• In 2001, a group of highly qualified witnesses gave testimony at the National Press Club. This was The Disclosure Project. They told of witnessing events that have been suppressed, gave supporting data, and swore that they would testify before Congress, under oath. This was put together by Dr. Steven Greer, an emergency room physician. People feel strongly about Greer, but even if you think he's a fraud, watch the testimony - these people are not frauds.

Do you honestly believe we haven't studied ufos?

This is the Pentagon, backed by the Military Industrial Complex. 

They don't have defense plans and haven't studied crash debris?

The Pentagon, where Colonel Phil Corso picked up bits of alien technology from a filing cabinet, and took it to large corporations, so they could analyze and use the technology. The government is subject to information disclosure laws; the private sector isn't. You can read Colonel Corso's account in his book, The Day After Roswell.

Ben Rich of Lockheed's Skunk Works, which came up with many top secret military planes, said we already have the technology to take ET home.

So Why?

It has not gone unnoticed that a lot of ufo incidents happen around nuclear installations. Is someone trying to tell us something?

One possibility is to reveal that ufos are real, to justify billions of dollars to be spent on defense projects. Billions to the Military Industrial Complex. It sure as hell worked in Iraq, Afghanistan, and countless others.

Some say the government is going to use this study as the prelude to disclosure. Some say this is distraction from other big events, like pedophilia and sexual abuse, going way up the chain.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The US has spent untold amounts of time, money, and effort denying the existence of ufos. There have been three different explanations for Roswell, all full of holes at the time they were offered. People have been threatened, lives have been lost, and a lot of fingers have been pointed to make people look like lunatics. Conspiracy Theorist is a term invented by the CIA for this purpose.

Remember: disclosure is intentional. Nothing happens without it being worth it for the organization.

The definition of ufo is unidentified flying object. Unidentified, meaning we don't know what it is. It says nothing about aliens. It's just that there's something up there. Some of it is ours. Dark projects we simply don't know about. Some of it is not ours.

Zaphod Beeblebrox

Bowling for Benefits

Whoever had the brilliant idea that putting things online would save paper and streamline operations was very clearly under the age of five, or on drugs that are not covered by their employer's health plan.

I have a long, bitter history with doing things online. This is hilarious irony, as I've been working with computers for a lot of years. Ok, be fair; the ability to work with computers really doesn't reflect the ability to go online and attempt to navigate the gauntlet of a purchasing transaction, be it concert tickets, a t-shirt, or doing Work Stuff.

Inner Security Guy

Way back in the days when the web was new, the idea of online transactions started to surface. Without even checking out the plans, my Inner Security Guy said, "No. You will not put your personal and credit card information online." Inner Security Guy only talks to me because if anybody else hears him, they laugh and call him Tinfoil Hat Guy. He wouldn't even let me or the wife order things over the cordless phone because anyone with a receiver could hear it. He also said NO to wireless for computers because once the signal left the wire, it was no longer mine alone. He was not kidding.. one day he drove me around a bit with a police scanner in the car. We got to hear quite a few people talking on their cordless phones, from outside their houses and down the block. Later on, he drove me down an interstate with a laptop and a 'sniffer'. This allowed me to see wireless system names and whether or not they were locked down, all the way down the road. Go ahead - make fun of Tinfoil Hat Guy, just like the rest of them did.

Not only was Inner Security Guy correct, but one doesn't even have to use web transactions to have their information stolen: thieves around the world just break in through the site or otherwise, and POOF - your information is on the Dark Web for purchase. Inner Security Guy was years ahead of his time.

So it's the 2010s and we discovered that although wireless connections are quite hackable, they're reasonably untouched. It's a tradeoff. Online transactions are actually reasonably safe, except from the NSA, but they are not interested in your financial information. Again, this information will become available when the site gets hacked or some idiot leaves their Cloud account's front door wide open, like the recent Equifax breach.

Doing Stuff Online

One day it came to pass that I had to set up my work benefits online. Although I can't prove it, I suspect my employer is a dude in an office somewhere, with a secretary. Dude in an Office is shocked to discover he has to run payroll and benefits for thousands of people. Neither he nor his uber-competent secretary (the brains of the outfit) can manage payroll and benefits for themselves, no less thousands of others, so they do what every employer does these days: outsourced it. To The Cloud.

The end effect of this exercise is that I cannot call my employer (or his potentially very attractive secretary) for any questions on payroll or benefits. They simply refer me to the Online Folks.

So I fired up my browser and went to the site.

Sidebar, Your Honor: my operating system is linux. I have seven web browsers, all in different states of lockdown. The thing I don't have is Internet Explorer, because it does not run on linux, is a pain in the ass, and is so full of holes, they should call it Swiss Cheese Browser. Technically I can run Windows, but it takes time and I don't want to have to fire it up every time I need to perform an online transaction.  None of this really matters, because the web is built on standards; where any browser on any operating system on any device should display everything the same way. I will now ask people familiar with this concept to stop laughing, as it's drowning out my ability to think.

To recap, I should have no trouble surfing or performing any transactions online - we're all equal on the web. They say the good thing about standards is that there are so many of them.

Right off the bat, the site comes up with huge holes in it, where pictures and other stuff will not display. Why? Because I'm using my number one browser, Firefox, and it's completely locked down for safety reasons. Javascript is disabled by default. This 'breaks' websites because they 'have to' use javascript to perform their magic tricks. Some pages will not display pictures without it. Pictures.  Ok, I own this issue, because I choose to surf safely. Javascript can perform many evil tricks and I won't use it unless I'm familiar with a site. After grudgingly enabling javascript, the next error will be cookies. I also turn off cookies, which gives sites fits. Cookies are used to track you online. The only positive use for them is to remember information between pages when you're ordering. A site's shopping cart will not work without cookies (it will not 'remember' items you put in there).

Since the web runs on standards, Firefox should display the site just fine, once I've completely disabled all the things I use to keep myself safe online. Of course this is pure bullshit theory.. the site now shows pictures but looks like it was done in crayon, with huge parts of it missing and messed up. The irony here is that the site recommends Firefox, as they know about Internet Explorer and are sick of it too.

So I give up on Firefox and bring up a less safely-set browser. After making sure javascript and cookies are enabled, I head to the benefits site. Yessir, I'm gonna set up my benefits. And that fast, the site still won't display correctly.

So I'm now at Browser Number Three, which finally displays the site correctly and lets me browse without grief. I go to check out benefits options, put in all my information, fill out the benefits information, then hit SUBMIT. And the site stares at me. No motion at all. Hmmmm hmmmmm hmmmm I go, waiting and attempting to be patient. This is a struggle I cannot accurately describe, except with the stock television footage of a volcano, complete with lava moving around, getting ready to erupt. My wife and a whole legion of doctors and therapists have tried for years to help keep the volcano at bay, with only minor success. And I distinctly feel the lava.

So I close down the transaction and start again. And wind up exactly where I was before, with the SUBMIT button pushed and the website openly mocking me. Yes, this 'should' work the same in any browser.

Finally I bring out the Big Gun: the completely naked browser, with no security whatsoever, open to the world, with all protections turned off, waiting for a bad site or Evil Hacker to get me. A browser so unsafe, it could almost be Internet Explorer. And did I get my benefits going? NFW - it couldn't even make it to the description page. A totally stripped down browser, right out of the box.

Having forgotten or unlearned everything the doctors (and wife) told me, I am now audibly cursing and banging on things, well on my way to Raving Lunatic. Any fairly sane person watching this would say my reaction to a bad website was unreasonable, given that this is a stupid website, not a rental car stranding me in KKK, Maryland. I counter by stating that this is a completely reasonable reaction, given that it happens every time I try to order something online.

So I give in and fire up Windows; heavy breathing, cursing, and with blood starting to leak from one eye. I'm yelling that these online idiots obviously have something against linux (or me personally - it's hard to tell). Internet Explorer brings up the site just fine, like most of the other browsers. When I hit SUBMIT, it too stares at me. HA-it's not linux and it's not even Windows and Internet Exploder - it's a horribly coded site! Even Firefox under Windows won't complete the transaction.

Now I sound like the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoons. Everything is a growl, modulated to resemble words, but completely unintelligible. Every now and then a nasty word will pop out in English, surrounded by growling, louder growling, and the occasional flying keyboard or broken vase. Did you know that a laptop keyboard will fail catastrophically if you bang on it repeatedly during a Tasmanian Devil fit? I didn't, but eventually I figgered it out.

You know I'm defeated when two operating systems and ten browsers will not allow me to complete a transaction. But wait - the humiliation was not complete: I had to pick up a phone and talk to an actual PERSON. This was both terrifying and embarrassing. Who talks to people these days? Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, this occurred during the two hour period in which the phone operators were available, so I reluctantly made the call. The automated operator said that the call may be recorded for training purposes. I figured that by the end of this call they wouldn't be able to use the recording, as the system that records spontaneously burst into flames.

After hearing twenty seven choruses of Happy Christmas Music, an alleged human got on the line. She was cheerful, like the rest of them. This is not a good strategy for a customer service person because people hate a cheerful representative. No one is that cheerful, even from Canada or one of those countries further north, like North Dakota. This has little effect on me, as I can imitate a person of sane behavior, who does not abuse customer service personnel. I give her my brief story and she soothingly tells me that other people have been complaining about this.

Has it ever occurred to anybody to actually fix it?

We walk through the process together, hand in hand, which is supposed to make me feel reassured. All the while I'm figuring out how to hurt the company by finding out where its children live.

Did I mention logging in? Oh, I didn't?
After I logged into the site, it threw up a box, telling me it sent a verification code to my email. I was to check my email and put the verification code into the website if I wanted to actually do anything other than look at the box asking for verification. This makes me feel every bit as safe as an airport body cavity grope by our friends from the TSA. Why does verification happen? Because I didn't bother to retain the cookie from last time I logged in (a year ago). This is how you're tracked, as I mentioned earlier. The site asks me if I want to avoid this next time by checking this box. This laughingly insane process is for naught because if I say yes, the site will drop a cookie in my browser, which will be cleaned out when I close the browser, causing me to have to go through the whole process again.

Are we havin' fun yet? I sure as shootin' am.

Mrs. Cheerful Customer Service slowly and methodically walks me through the process. This makes me prickly, as most things do, because she's moving slowly and methodically. This tends to make the top of my head want to explode, but I continue to impersonate a reasonable person, as this criminal website coding is not her fault. As we get to the point where I want to fill in the order form, she tells me to stop and hit the button up top, that says ALT. Ok, I'll play along.. I hit ALT and the system took me to a different page, allowing me to complete the purchase. She apologized. I politely suggested they PUT A GODDAMN BLINKY RED LIGHT THERE, TELLING PEOPLE TO JUST USE THE ALT BUTTON. I warmly opine that if this many people are going to have to use this site, they should probably make it less user-hostile.  She agrees, in the way that attempts  to assure the customer that she's Very Concerned, but in reality, will do nothing and continue to answer customer service calls made by people even less pleasant than me, who cannot do a credible impersonation of a sane person.

This was a year ago, during which time I was advised to open a FSA (Family Savings Account), which pays for $2500 of medical stuff before taxes. They told me that I need to make sure to spend all the money or I'd lose it. We laughed hysterically, as $2500 is two months' prescriptions.

So we went to the pharmacy, where the transaction was immediately denied.
So I immediately gave up and called a completely different Cheerful Customer Service lady.  She cheerfully and helpfully let me know that she was aware of the pharmacy and we should try again. The next day we tried, with the same denial. Following the general theme here, I gave up. After a while, I officially notated the events and sent them an email. The response was that the pharmacy was not covered.

WHY COULDN'T THE FIRST CUSTOMER SERVICE LADY HAVE TOLD ME THIS? Why can't two different employees of a service dedicated to benefits agree on policy?

I was advised to list all our purchases and put them in for refund. Because the whole thing is my fault and I have to clean up after them. I got a printout from the pharmacy, which was better than last year, at only the size of one phone book. We're all getting healthier, you know.

I experienced what can only be described as Great Internal Resistance to going online and performing this task. It took a few hours to actually open a browser. It's like my body knew something the rest of me didn't.

To be fair, I got right into the site with only one operating system and one browser. I felt blessed.  I smiled when the site had to send me the authorization email. I found the correct part of the site after only twenty minutes of looking. I felt like the Favorite Son.  With the phone book sized pharmacy printout, I proceeded to get to work. I hit the START button and it took me right to the error page - no delay at all. The little box said that the transaction failed for No Particular Reason and I should try again. If it keeps failing,I should get in touch with my administrator.  Wait - I thought they were my administrator....

So it failed again. Then it failed again with a different browser. Then I took a screenshot and sent it to them, outside of the two hour window in which they read email, so it'll take a week for an answer. They'll probably tell me that all benefits must be signed off on in person, but they forgot to notate that on the site. Furthermore, they're a division of Microsoft, so they enjoy causing pain.

This happens every time I try to order something online. Tickets, t-shirts, even requests to dispose of bodies all fail miserably. My wife leaves the house and takes the dog if she even suspects I have to do something online that day.

Emphasize the Positive

It is possible that this procedure could be taken as a medical cure for low energy or depression. If you're having trouble getting out of your chair, try to purchase something online. You not only won't be able to purchase the item; you'll be so ungodly frustrated, possibly homicidal, that you have to get out of your chair and do something you hate (like cleaning), or you will surely hurt someone very badly. This is the reason you have to email the company with any issues instead of calling: fear of you reaching through the phone and pulling their liver out through their nostrils.

I once went to my doctor after attempting an online transaction. My blood pressure was up so far, my heart was in danger of bursting though my ribcage and attacking him. When I explained, he wrote me a note, saying that I was not allowed to perform online transactions; I could only use a phone or do it in person. This works to everybody's benefit, in that my heart stays in place, as does my blood pressure. If it didn't, they'd have to pay out a hospital claim and possibly life insurance. Depending on how she's feeling about me that day, my wife either urges me to do things in person or 'just try it online'.

A Three Hour Tor

TOR, otherwise known as The Onion Router, is a reasonably secure internet platform. When I say reasonably secure, I mean it's safe to route all of your traffic through it, but if you have incredibly sensitive information, you run a risk of being discovered. That aside, Snowden and Assange use it and the NSA is having trouble spying on it (but still manages). The safest way is to boot from and use the Tails operating system. The link has some good basic information on TOR. You can try it out with the TOR browser. Download the browser here. It's Firefox, so you already know how to use it. Give it a shot. Try not to install any extensions/addons because some of them leak information, rendering the browser unsafe.

• Over 460 models of HP laptops come complete with a keylogger. This means that every letter you type could be logged. Fortunately, this 'feature' is disabled by default. It exists in the touchpad driver. If anybody gets access to the computer, they can turn the keylogger on.

The FDA has approved a pill with an embedded sensor that can report when it is swallowed.  This is very interesting and, as I understand it, only one pill. Let's put on our Thermionic Tin Foil Hats.  Any invasive technology tends to come disguised as a benefit: 

• "Oh - we'll know if Gramma took her medicine!"
• "Stupid drug addict brother didn't take his methadone today."
• "Yes, as you know, Doctor, I took my meds, but I'm still hearing the voices. They do not like you."

The pill sends a signal to a patch, which sends the information to an app on your phone. You can send the results to a number of people if you like. How is this wrong? Let me count the ways...

• Bluetooth: hackable in the vicinity
• Sensor: is it really safe n your body? Do you really need it? 
• App: fitness apps and most others transmit information up the line to the software's author, advertising, and Google or Apple.
• No one really needs your information.

British television seems to consist largely of a bunch of overstuffed people sitting on an overstuffed couch, talking about nothing but using a lot of words to get there. No wonder they like some of our shows (Seinfeld).

• Over thirty email clients, including webmail, have a pretty serious flaw that will allow a Bad Guy to spoof the FROM address convincingly. Read this to see if yours is affected. Several were fixed before the flaw was announced.

In the 1980s, AT&T asked a consultant to estimate how many cell phones would be in use in the world by 2000. They concluded the total market would be 900,000 units. This persuaded AT&T to pull out of the market. By 2000, there were 738 million people with cellphone subscriptions. So close....

• a thirteenth human foot was found washed up on Canada's west coast. No one is sure why this happens but no foul play is suspected. No foul play? How many appendages, organs, and severed heads have to wash up before foul play is suspected? And what happened to the fourteenth foot? Isn't Canada supposed to be friendly? Does this sort of thing go on all the time in British Columbia?

Time grows near for the FCC's decision on whether to keep or jettison the Net Neutrality rules. While they haven't explicitly stated it, the FCC really doesn't care what you think and has no problem clinking drinks with Big Business. After having found millions of fake comments on the topic, the FCC is blocking any investigation into the comments, which, incredibly, were from dead people and were against neutrality. Nothing at all is suggested by this wild coincidence.

• A bunch of years ago I went to a guitar show with a Gibson Custom Shop display. I asked the guy if they had ever built any lefty doublenecks. He said he was aware of four, and at that date, they would cost about $5,000. Right handed, of course, was less. Today I finally located a Custom Shop lefty Doubleneck on Ebay, for the bargain price of $8,000. Ok, everything this shop sells is pretty damn expensive, plus shipping from Asia. I'm sure I can get it cheaper by ordering locally.
• I know, I know, you don't care. But Jimmy Page plays one.
• We got what we wanted most for the holidays: Marshall, alive. Because of this, we've had to cancel Christmas.
• But a new guitar (or three) sure would be nice. 

Gibson Custom Shop lefty EDS-1275

In Road Wars, a British COPS-like show, they pulled a car over, checked the trunk, and found 'herbal cannabis'. Herbal, pronouncing the 'H'. When I was young, I did my share of substances, but I am not aware of any variety other than herbal. Did they invent some sort of Imitation Cannabis? Why in the universe do they call it cannabis when 'Pot' is one syllable?

One day on COPS, an officer found "some sort of green, leafy substance; possibly cannabis." Do police recruit from just one pool? Has someone been peeing in it again?

• A Harvard student recently made a bold public declaration, admitting that, while at a bar with friends one time, he talked about the attractiveness of the women in his class. What a brave man. If anybody overheard him, he'd be publicly lynched.

Researchers, which is a term for anyone having more than one account on a website, have estimated that up to one percent of sites on the web have been hacked. For those of us who like math (and I know no one who meets this description) that's about 10 in 1,000 of the most visited websites. This statistic proves nobody is above or immune to hacking, and you will probably visit one of these sites, if not the entire one percent.

• I have seen into the future. Come next June, a newspaper headline will read "America Saves Millions as Half of Congress Arrested for Pedophilia"

Nigel's OK in My Book

Watching some classic (old) music videos, I found a song called Making Plans for Nigel (XTC). Never mind the song... I just like the title. The video is bizarre.

While we're at it, Kate Bush sounds like she's huffing helium.

• Of note: when the doctor sedated Marshall, he used Propofol; the drug that killed Michael Jackson. Fortunately Marshall experienced a better outcome.

Congrats on 100 years of freedom for Finland!

Finland is known for heated underwear, anchovy pizza, and Finns. 

The national animal is the elephant (there are no elephants in Finland. They imported one from Africa, but it chose to walk back to Africa, rather than freeze).

Finland's national flower is grass.

• 'Music' star Pink will raise her kids gender-neutral. Please make it stop. The Child Welfare Bureau has been called - these kids don't have a chance.

As I continue to tune in old videos, Instant Karma (John Lennon) comes on.. I've never seen it before.

The first thing I see is Yoko.. this is never a good thing. She's sitting onstage, toward the back of John; blindfolded and knitting. This would be delightfully absurd if anyone else did it. With Yoko it's Art, or as I call it, "a screw loose and a pathological need for attention."

There's a British guy playing tambourine. How can I tell he's British? He's wearing a full tan suit and huge, brown, horn rimmed glasses to play tambourine. There are also two bass players, for a reason John took with him to the grave. Maybe Chapman shot him to keep this from getting out.

It's a wonder I never got hired to review videos in the 80s.

• If anything I write fails to offend you for the entire time you've been reading this, I'd like to share something with you, in the spirit of Christmas: "Simply,  Having, a Wonderful Christmastime."  This song has now invaded your brain and you will sing it incessantly for the next three weeks.
• You're welcome.

Many women suffer silently from vaginal discharge and dryness, according to a commercial. Many people don't know I got out of the army on a vaginal discharge.

I would like to apologize, humbly and unreservedly, for the previous paragraph.

• If you're having a Stupid Day today, remember: it could be worse. You could live in Mecklenberg County, where county records are being held hostage for $23,000 in Bitcoin. You could be the genius who opened the email attachment, unleashing the ransomware upon the county.

The Stupid is also great with the authors of a virtual keyboard app for android and iDevices, called Ai.Type. The app collects keystrokes, contacts, phone numbers, email addresses, social media profiles, and locations, among other things. The data is uploaded to, you guessed it, The Cloud. The 577gb database, on 31 million users, was left open to the public, so anyone who could find it had full access to it.

There is no word on whether the app let on that the user's data would be stolen uploaded to the company's (unsecured) server. Everything the user typed would be available, in addition to the information the app collected. Financial information, love emails, sexts, and all those pictures of women with one more penis than provided for in the original design specification.

If you rushed past the text about your data and clicked I AGREE, this is entirely your fault. If there was no warning, the developers should be sued out of existence and fined by the appropriate authorities for theft and negligence. 

I'll say it again: nothing you use is worth the invasion of your privacy and data.

You could also just use the phone's keyboard. This way, your data will only go to Google or Apple.

• 28 senators wrote the FCC to urge holding off their decision on Net Neutrality because of irregularities in the data of public comments. 50,000 comments may not have been included in the public record. Hundreds of thousands of filings featured stolen addresses and there were half a million entries with Russian email addresses. Not included in the data were the rude comments directed at chairman Ajit Pai's nationality. You don't think there was anything suspicious about this, do you?

A lot of people blame the Russians for interfering in the 2016 election (and when I say a lot of people, I mean the losing side). I view this from the other side (of course I do): the Russians are not interfering - they're propping up American  democracy.

Hear me out: American citizens have become so fat and lazy, they can barely be bothered to go out for milk, no less vote. By hacking into our social media and voting systems, the Russians are making it look like our democracy is functional. People blame Trump for 'colluding' with Russia, when in reality, he was encouraging Putin to have his people vote to make it look like the election mattered. Meanwhile, the people who should have voted all stayed home, where they ran into the streets and online to protest and whine incessantly.

A brief investigation by the Boy Scouts of America, Special CyberSquad, turned up a few other places the Russians made a difference:

• a West Virginia little league game
• the decision not to tax online porn in the US
• a $4 billion appropriation for Congressional bathroom remodeling and donations to Dick Cheney's various humanitarian charities

Have you rented a car lately?

If you did, your locations, smart phone identifier, and entered locations (including schools), are all available, if you attached to the car's infotainment system (the radio).  Privacy International rented cars and analyzed the information available in the systems. Personal information was on every single car.

Just to make things more interesting, the rental companies were not able to provide clear internal policies on handling drivers' personal data. The companies that responded said, as laid out in the Terms and Conditions, the responsibility is on the renter. The future is here and we're shooting it square in the nuts.

• In case you didn't learn the first time, Ashley Madison, the website for cheaters, that leaked its database, has... wait for it... leaked its database of private and explicit photos again. So if you're the kind that insists on getting parts of you wet, you haven't learned your lesson. You know what they say - the third time's the charm.

brought to you by Friends of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Do It For the Children [and other orchestral nightmares]

I have nieces and nephews.
This came as quite a shock to me, even though I saw them shortly after they were born. It is said there are no ugly babies. Wrong. This is just one of the many reasons I have a dog.

No one ever told me that being an uncle actually came with responsibilities. I was all set to be a bad influence... I've got that one down perfectly.  I can purchase toys and musical instruments that make horrible, loud noises, then leave their home. But no, there's stuff I gotta DO for the little so and sos. You will notice, although nobody else does, that I do not invite them for Marshall's chemotherapy party or birthdays. I'm considerate that way.

Two of the little blighters are in their orchestras. It's wonderful that they picked up an instrument, even if it happened at gunpoint. As a musician of many years, I still don't get the school program. They give (force) an instrument on a poor unsuspecting child, then demand that he play only ancient classical songs. If  anybody were to just stop and ask the child what instrument he wants to learn, then what music he'd like to play, you'd have a much happier and more cooperative little musician. Let's face it... the kid is going to want to play the guitar or drums*. Perhaps classical music is a concept whereby parents insist on not having their children play drums. There's something to be said for it.

I feel very safe in saying that after the child decides guitar or drums, he'd rather not play something by Handel, preferring Led Zeppelin or Megadeth. This will also upset the parents, unless they like Led Zeppelin or Megadeth. They might breathe a sigh of relief that the child doesn't play a drum machine along with Nikki Manaj mp3s.

My Uncle Responsibility for the week involved watching the orchestra perform. It became my responsibility in a second hand way, when the child asked my wife to please come to his concert. Like most of my life, I was an afterthought; a person who showed up attached to the popular aunt. This doesn't bother me at all, and makes for a great reading.

So there we were, walking into an elementary school. I dared not count the years since I've been in an elementary school (and the times I was asked to leave elementary schools). They decided that since there were a lot of people showing up, they'd use the gymnasium, with its hard, acoustically-hostile cinderblock construction. You know... instead of the auditorium, where it's comfortable and things sound good, plus the seats did not come out of an old torture chamber, like the folding ones in the gym.

It was Standing Room Only in the makeshift concert hall.  All the parents were out with their phones held up, focused on the spot where they knew their kid should be (they couldn't see them either).  I thought this a good time to search for MILFs, and it was, except the MILFs all stayed home, preferring to go to the earlier show (to avoid the guys at the later show, who would be searching for them). We had to be there early, although no one has been able to figure out why. Perhaps they wanted everybody to be good and agitated before the concert started. It works well for Guns n Roses.

The show started and although we were assured our nephew was there, no one could actually locate him. His cello dwarfs him to begin with. These kids did very well, all things considered. Everybody knows children under five feet tall cannot play as well as the taller kids.**  They played reasonably in tune, although not exactly in time with each other. Their teacher/conductor, an Asian lady (you think I'm kidding, don't you?) played piano. After only a few hours, we finally figured out the method behind the madness: the conductor was actually the performer, while the kids were convenient accompaniment. Put another way, the teacher was the Indy pace car, which ran at precisely 55mph, while the children raced their cars in front of her, behind her, in the pit, across the grass, or anywhere else that wasn't next to the pace car. No one seemed to notice this but me, judging by the fact that I was the only one in the room without a camera pointed in the general direction of the stage.

Please don't take my gentle mocking as an indictment of the childrens' talents. I do not expect them to perform like Itzach Perlman (yes, I spelled it wrong - go read some other sarcastic bastard's blog).

When my nephew's group was done, I applauded enthusiastically, then raced for the exit. Unfortunately, my tires were shredded by The Pit Boss, who semi-politely explained that there was another group playing shortly. As loud as it was in the room, everyone wondered where that soul-shattered SIGH came from.

The next group was over five feet tall, which increased my hopes that I could sit there for another four hours.***  As soon as they started, it became glaringly apparent that the charming young lady up front with the violin was intent on 'interpreting' the songs in her own style. Her own style was largely not playing the same notes as everybody else. The egregious out-of-tuneness went unnoticed also, except for the fact that it kept waking me up.

My nephew proudly told us he was first chair. We learned later that first chair meant he was the first one in that particular chair at the moment. The orchestras were so large that the basses and cellos were located offstage. This was also the reason I was given for my location offstage with my guitar. I'm sure it had absolutely nothing to do with my appearance or my playing.

Here's where things got hairy (not me, the orchestra): something got in my ear and kept trying to bore a hole through and start eating my brain. It took me a few seconds to figure it out.. the group had another 'individual stylist', like the young lady with the violin. He and his bass decided that they were not happy with the key the song was in and proceeded to make the changes he felt necessary. This came in the form of playing every note a half-step lower, which seemed to make him happy, as it went on for the whole concert.  For the non-musician readers, the worst musical noise you can hear, aside from the aforementioned Niki Manaj, is two instruments playing a half-step apart. It has been known to make people go through windows on the upper floors of tall buildings. You can feel it right where your coccyx (COCK-six) is, and it goes up your entire spine painfully, attempting to exit via the top of your head. Perhaps the reason they didn't use the auditorium was all the bits of brain matter on the ceiling.  In these sad financial times, public schools cannot always afford ceiling cleaning services. They either hold functions in the gym or pray that no one looks up.

I thought I was home free when I got home, but it was not to be. Another nephew has an orchestral performance in three weeks. If I am not there, his mother will TALK to me. A lot. For a long time. With her grating Philadelphia accent and a liberal helping of Guilt. But the joke's on her... I'm bringing Bluetooth earpieces, so I can listen to Hendrix mangle a guitar while the children molest Bach.

*************************************************************

*Unless the family is Asian, in which case it will be an orchestral instrument and classical music, which they will practice daily and excel, while we discover that 80% of the orchestra is Asian.

Before you go off on me like Nagasake, stereotypes don't appear from a vacuum. This is exactly the makeup of one nephew's orchestra. I looked around and noticed that most of the musicians were Asian (this is strictly an observation). They did not, however, have cameras, but on the other hand, it was very difficult to get out of the parking lot...

**I just made that up.

***20 minutes.

Track THIS

An Australian man, working for a Western Australia water management company, was invited to a meeting at work, with their equivalent of Human Resources. Every employee was given a PDA (Public Display of Affection or Personal Digital Assistant, depending on day of the week), to track where they were. His records stated that he was working at different places but there was no report from his PDA/tracker that he was there.

The fella had a thing for a certain snack food. The bag it came in was foil and mylar. He placed the PDA in the bag, which acted as a Faraday cage. For those of us not electronically oriented, it's a device from which no signals get in or escape. This prevented the PDA from ratting him out. A brief investigation showed that he was out playing golf. 140 times. Now there's a man dedicated to his work. Or something.

• it's time for my non-seasonal rant about unboxing. As we spend a lot of time online (admit it - you'll feel better), we might have seen this. This is a activity wherein you take a picture of something you got and post it online. We, who work in IT and have a more evolved and nuanced sense of sarcasm, can find no useful reason for this behavior. We also make Lemon Face when we see people posting pictures of their food. Or stupid Dog Filters.
• This behavior is particularly egregious in the world of musicians. Some perfectly affable gent will take a picture of his brand new, just released effects box. Every reader is excited because they haven't gotten theirs yet or they're waiting for a demo on YouTube, to figure out whether they need this box or not.
• And what greets them, after the headline "New Illudium P32 Explosive Space Modulator"?  A flipping picture. Gee, that's helpful. Stereotypes don't appear from a vacuum, hence the stupid guitar player.

You've got a cell phone. Of course you've got a cell phone.

You have your location services on, either through ignorance, because of the Gee Whiz app, or you simply don't care. Even if location is off, you can still be tracked. What kinds of information is tracked and what might be traced back to you? Some ad companies will allow you to opt-out but want your Wifi and Bluetooth MAC addresses. Yeah, right. Does it matter that Google collected information anyway, after these were opted out?

Whether you have an existing or new android cell phone, here are five simple tips to keep it safe.

• What price security?  Paypal purchased TIO, a payment processor, for $230 million. TIO got hacked into. TIO halted all activities to avoid further losses. Meanwhile, the Personally Identifiable Information of about 1.6 million customers leaked. Paypal announced that it had found issues with TIO's data security program that did not adhere to its own standards.
• This infers that Paypal did not check TIO's security standards.
• Is a $230 million acquisition a mere pittance - too low to bother checking out its security? Where's the line? A billion?
• In addition to not bothering to secure itself (it owns TIO, therefore it's Paypal), the business has provided a lot of grief to a lot of people. Even though I was a customer, I'd advise not using it.

One of the largest (Chinese) manufacturers of drones stands accused of helping China spy on the US. Because we buy Chinese drones.... what could possibly go wrong? Once again, the government keeps us safe.

• It's a good thing the holidays are coming up. We now get treated to all sorts of ridiculous xmas commercials, some showing up as early as Halloween. This year we're treated to talking carrots and meerkats with German accents, that seem to go on forever. The Brits get a continuing story of two people who met on public transportation and are trying to hook up. This must have something to do with a cell phone provider, or why would they bother bothering us with this nonsense. The only reason I don't throw the screen across the room is that the female is cute, with a lovely, understandable Scottish accent. And I can't afford another screen. As I type this, I swear to you that the commercial just came on.

Yeah, I'm old school. Up til the current car, all my tires were cheap and large. The current car has tires that are small, with large rims and tiny (not thick) tires. What do you suppose would happen if current cars used real tires? My guess is a better ride, but I have absolutely no knowledge of tires, except that mine cost over $200 each, where they used to cost $60-80. Aside from the sound of Get off My Lawn, this is a genuine question. Any car people readers?

• Think you're busy this holiday season? The poor folks at Amazon have been working 55 hour weeks, falling down on the job, and taken away in ambulances. Fortunately the problem was solved when the executives jumped to inaction and offered the employees small chocolates.

Everybody's favorite right wing tongue, Gene Simmons, was banned for life from Fox News. According to reports, he barged in on a staff meeting and exposed his torso, shouting, "Hey chicks - sue me!" Furthermore, he told Michael Jackson pedophilia jokes and mocked the intelligence of the staffers.

The article did not explain, however, why he was banned.

• Everybody's favorite perennial presidential candidate, Vermin Supreme, sued after he was denied a permit to bring ponies to a Hillary Clinton book signing.

Vermin Supreme for president

• After brief research, which is the only kind of research I do, Vermin is now a libertarian. Considering the recent candidates, as well as the Guy in the Loincloth, Vermin will be a welcome change.
• Vermin's 2020 slogan: How could I possibly be any worse?
• Before I decide on whether he gets my vote, I want to know if there will be personalized boots for our heads, or will they just say Vermin Supreme on them? How does one go about sizing them?

Today's Stupid Commercial: What worries you most about your financial future?

One of the kids pops up and says, I don't have any money.

• Also overheard on tv: "she's in an advanced stage of pregnancy." 
• What's that - the baby's halfway out?

Marshall Update: as mentioned previously, the oncologist canceled Marshall's last chemo treatment because he was doing so well. This week's appointment was looking around for lesions in his mouth. It turns out he's not fond of fingers in his mouth, much like the rest of us. 

So after all that, the onco wants to operate, to remove the lesion and go with pills for a while. When we got the estimate, one of us turned white, the other turned green. When we said we'd need to think about this, the doc said no problem - it just has to be done within two weeks. With oral chemo, it'll give him 6-9 months. Oddly enough, other options we discussed earlier would give him the same amount of time.

No one mentioned another operation until today.

Can't help but feel we're being led down the Golden Path, only we're giving away all the gold. Last I checked, neither of us are vets, so it's not like we can ask medically relevant questions. As you'd imagine, this is somewhat upsetting.

Mind you, Marshall's in great spirits; eating like mad, drinking like madder, and demanding everything be dropped so he gets what he wants at that moment. He's got bounce in his step, almost like a puppy. He's leaping on furniture he couldn't six months ago. 

The only criterion is that he's pain-free and comfortable.

this is probably a bad blog to read if you're an Apple fan