The Ice Cream Diet - now for the Lactose Intolerant

Your love is like   the lady who keeps her dead pets around

• You tell me: Hollywood's best rug - Chuck Norris or Ben Aflac  ?

Today I identify as  I sure picked a bad week to identify as Elon Musk

I still haven't figured out which vacation days I'm taking by the end of the year. Last year I wound up taking  off most of December, which produced the Forced Vacation series of blogs. I'd really like to avoid that this year. I don't want to be an ass to my coworkers (or my readers). Come to think of it, they don't always treat me so well (the coworkers, mostly). Although I do remember coming to work and discovering a large cucumber on my desk. It was definitely the first time that happened. Fortunately it hasn't happened since, as I work from home. I'm not sure I'd like what Wife was trying to tell me if it did.

I know you're reading this because you're incredibly curious about my laptop situation.

The first laptop developed a bad display connection and a bad delay when anything is typed or clicked.

The backup laptop, a 10 year old Cadillac that still runs great, has been a pleasure to use. Until I remembered why I needed a new one: it got hot, the display freaked out, and the laptop froze, requiring a reboot. This put a real damper on doing anything, because I never knew when the laptop would seize. While this would be an actual blessing for work, I kinda needed it to stay powered up.

Now I'm getting desperate. There's an android tablet somewhere. The charge barely lasts long enough to sit and surf. Oh wait... there's an even older laptop. It works, which is the best thing I can say about it. I am afraid to boot it up because the display will break within an hour. I seem to have this effect on displays. If I could get paid for this, I'd be rich! But it seems about as useful a talent as being able to destroy trashcans. Now if I could stop ear hair from growing...

The thing I forgot about the last laptop is that it's a 32 bit processor. All current processors are 64 bits. I am as far as I can go with the operating system (a few years ago) and many browsers won't run on it. At least the display isn't broken (yet).

A Chromebook is inevitable. I might as well give Google the rest of the information they don't have about me, if there is any. Maybe my tiny android phone. Or 2 semi-broken tablets. I should use 1 of them for work - it tries to boot, fails, then goes into a loop. A long time ago, I used to be able to destroy hard drives by simply using them. My buddy suggested a custom plate for my car  NOMO HD. My skill went into hibernation for 30 years and morphed into Display Destruction. NOMO VID?

“You can’t win an unwinnable war. DEA knows this and the agents know this,” Irizarry said. “There’s so much dope leaving Colombia. And there’s so much money. We know we’re not making a difference.”

“The drug war is a game. ... It was a very fun game that we were playing.”

--Jose Irizarry - the DEA's most corrupt agent

It's a great article, but the above is a perfect summary of the drug war.



Enjoying the hell out of half of our weather. One day it's over 70, the next it's under 50, with a frost warning for the evening. This is somewhat aggravated by the industrial size fan in the bedroom. One of us, I can't say which but she has boobs, has to have fresh air, so the fan runs. Even in sub-Arctic temperatures. I suggested she sleep next to an open window, but she said "No - it's cold outside."

Speaking of sleeping, the dog's getting clingier. This morning we were back to back.  I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I'm upset because I didn't notice it when it was happening. She has also taken to licking my pillow. Nobody knows why, but she's a cocker and that's perfectly normal. She also tried to drink all my coffee this morning. That's 4 cockers who loved coffee.  Mrs. lefty, bless her, tries to keep Dog from bothering me when they get into bed after me. It fails 100% of the time, but she tries. First the dog has to jump on me and lick my forehead. Only mine, no one else's. Then squiggle around for a few minutes. Then lick my face. Then lick my pillow. Wife apparently doesn't understand these are things Dog must do. I am told one of them would stand on my chest, turn around a few times, then lay down and go to sleep. I was completely unaware of this and continued sleeping. This makes me wonder what else goes on while I'm sleeping... I used to wake up with a sore.... never mind.

Aqara’s new smart feeder can give your pet control of its bowl

Because nobody knows when they want to eat better than your pet.

Except the kid who hacked your IoT network. 

It's not that I really like these sweet potato chips, but if your fingers get close to the bag, they might not come back whole. It's even worse with the sweet potato tater tots. It's like dessert with dinner.

• There is simply nothing for breakfast like coffee, Mt Dew, and bacon pizza.

Starbucks store-bought caramel macchiato creamer is better than Starbucks anywhere-bought coffee.  It's only $17.99 at CostCo, the only creamer in the entire store. Shit is gettin' real out there, people.

The first cubesat to fly and operate at the Moon has successfully arrived

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency."

• NASA wishes to apologize for the press release. One of their more dyslexic people in Marketing thought it said NASA, when it actually said NSA. 

The actual NSA press release said:

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency. With this multi-billion dollar small piece of hardware, we can be assured that nothing happens on the Moon without our knowledge. It's our Moon - nobody else's. Nyah nyah. Suck it, China."

 

• In completely unrelated news, one of NASA's marketing team has been promoted to CEO.

It's quiet in the house.

This might be due to my spending a few quiet hours with the computers, trying to do simple things.

The neighbors have called in their Rottweilers. There are no children out within 3 blocks. My wife, who has spent over 20 years perfecting the art of ignoring me, has taken the dog and gone to bed. This is all out of SHEER TERROR. Because normal people can do things and they get done and work perfectly. But I'm not normal. No sir. The art of getting email on a backup laptop that used to get email anyway, is such a fine balance that young children can do it with their eyes closed. I am not a young child. In fact, I am an advanced child. Of course I know every step and credential. It just won't work. Before you look at me like an idiot (I prefer you to look at me as a very sarcastic, yet entertaining, occasional smart guy), I copied each email account line by line, password by password and it WILL NOT WORK.

I'm beginning to think this has something to do with my not drinking. 

I have to admit, we're giving it our best try, but it never occurs to us to drink mid-day or at work. 

Perhaps if I got smashed, I wouldn't have any of the grief I encounter, almost as if it were perfectly normal. I gotta say, the idea of going through days just fine, without trouble, appeals to me greatly. Being able to add email accounts to laptops, with the same passwords and it Just Works. It might be worth my liver for that.

It was going kinda fine until the mail arrived. The state wants to extort $500+ from me over the car situation, only we're not sure why, because we already paid an exorbitant amount for the ransom. The DMV was set up by criminals in order to funnel private money to the state. There is NO reason to register your car. There is no reason to get tickets because you forgot to put your insurance card in the car. It's legalized robbery. This is another reason I'm a libertarian. This large bit of extortion made me start to think that practicing drinking should start earlier in the day.

THEN I figured why not put email on the last laptop functioning, as I could look right at a previously-functioning laptop to make things easier. This was my first error. And my second one. 

Email Acct 1

put in password

server says NFW, ha!

Website lets me log in and before going to email, tells me I have a ridiculous balance owed and they're charging me FEES on top of it. Hang on a minute, dingbats... if you have my payment information and the account is set to auto-pay, WHOSE fault it is you don't have the money?

Put password in.

server actually laughs.

Gmail account

put in password

server says NO.

I retype password

server says NO, you fool, then takes me to the web page.

I sign in and it tells me I don't have cookies enabled.

That's correct: the cookies are in the other room and don't start til after dinner.

But I figure I'll play - I used another browser, with cookies.

Gmail said UH-UH, don't even THINK about it.

Have you ever had to go through a sophisticated multi-account email program to find how to turn cookies on? Ok, so maybe you have.

Once again it took me to Gmail's login page, and I approved myself.

As I sign out, the error message stated 'error logging in.' Of COURSE there was an error after the page told me everything was ok. 

Email acct 3

Enter same password as on other machines.

Server say NO, I'm not going to make it that easy on you.

Oh. Perhaps drinking IS the answer.

It's a very long password, which I kept having to copy from another screen. Repeatedly.

Server still say NO.

Alrighty, then. Three email accounts, ZERO of which I've gotten working on the old machine.

Honestly, I ran very large, very expensive networks, and kept them free of intruders. No problem.

Try setting up laptop email? Problem.

Then I started figuring stuff out.

Account 1 requires you to go to their web page, login, and tell it that it's ok to get your mail.

Account 2 requires you to go to their web page, login, and do a short dance. Being bereft of rhythm, this is the most difficult part of email.

Account 3 requires you to find the people running the server, login, then shove all the not-working laptops so far up their backsides, they cough megabytes.

The last little trick was discovered by mistake, like all those neat explosive things. When you put your password into the email program, do NOT tell it to remember the passwords. This is stupid, counterintuitive, wrong, and the final strike against remaining sober for the day. And in the end, none of it was my fault, so I feel a little less mentally-impaired.

The funny thing is that my typing improves as I drink.

The Art of Lack of Communication

Your love is like  a blown transmission on a long distance trip

I like to buy annoying presents for my buddy. For years it was anything to do with farts. Because farts are funny, birth to death. Even to (some) women. Now that he's getting older, I decided on a nose hair trimmer. While I've not looked up his nose, it's an odd gift. It got me thinking that with all the rude behavior in public. you never see nose hair trimming (or braiding). Where do you suppose he should try it out?

• weddings
• public transportation
• work
• whenever his wife tries to talk to him
• never, NEVER home alone in the bathroom. That would be weird.

Today I identify as   myself - don't hate.

Come and listen to a story bout a man named lefty...

He got home from the guitar show, whereupon Mrs. lefty left to visit people 3 hours away. All of the sudden, his phone was telling him he didn't complete the registration process. If that's true, why did it work for the last 4 weeks? When he called Support, he could naturally not get a human, even one in India. It would not take his payment information. He had no phone except for text. Wife texted, saying her calls to phone were rejected. He texted back the info, but because cellular phones are only 30+ years old, they haven't shaken out the bugs yet, and his texts take up to a day to reach her  phone, if at all.

 It was the bank card. I knew it.

Sure enough, the card was messed up and any service I had on it was no longer working. This includes the landline. So I tried to call the card Support but the phone kept shunting me to Purrrizon because they wanted their money NOW. I tried again, after which time they blocked me for too many times trying to fix it. I tried another phone for the landline, but everything was dead. I must have looked adorable trying the Eeyore phone.

So there I was, sitting in my chair, laptop going, and dog between me and laptop. Have you ever typed over a dog? Cat? Toyota? I had 2 phone lines that weren't working. No one could call in and I couldn't call out. Purrrizon said I had to go to a retail store to get things fixed. I don't think I'm as fond of this plan as I thought I'd be. I had no car either. After slipping on the escaping magazines, causing a monitor to plummet to the ground and my laptop to attempt it, I started to vocalize.  And by vocalize, I mean SCREAM the most interesting words, possibly teaching both new neighbors some new phrases.  The dog was terrified and decided to go to bed for the night (where I found her, when *I* went to bed... in the bed). After SWAT left, assured this was just another rant, not requiring their presence, I decided to continue my new hobby; drinking.  I am told it takes a while to get good at, but I am up for the challenge. I didn't get where I am today by neglecting challenges. Unfortunately I have no idea where I am today, so that might be a bad comparison.

So here we are, the next day, and I still can't get anywhere. Just to make things more interesting, the laptop, which did nothing but sit and not be used, now has no display. It just shows me a squiggle here and there. The doctors say I'm paranoid. You're not paranoid if they really ARE out to get you. All of the sudden, as if by magic, the landline rings. The landline that was not working last night. Normally this would make my head spin around and spit pea soup, like The Exorcist. Instead I decided not to strangle anybody, cause SWAT to return, or continue with Drinking School before 9am. I thought SWAT and I had an agreement by now... I don't even have any guns. I'm not really violent. Ok, maybe a little...

Because the landline came up, I could get everything else fixed, with the notable exception of the laptop. It took about an hour plus an external monitor, but I did it. Even after all this, plus the time I put into my new hobby, I felt neither bad nor good. Perhaps I should advise everyone to stay away for a few weeks. Aw, who am I kidding.... at the wedding we went to, they asked that all phones be turned off. Mine makes no noises and no one calls. Now I have to turn my head to the right, where the monitor is. I expect quite a lot of neck pain by the end of the day, as opposed to my normal pain in the neck.  But naturally, after getting the monitor going, the computer has a wildly long delay after I type. I can type out whole sentences then watch them type on the screen. Obviously the computer is straining to run a single monitor because it used to run two. It's logic, kids, get with it!

When everything calmed down and I was through with the whiskey, I went to work. I fired up some music to make work fun and discovered I had no audio. Pick your battles.

As it turns out, it's harder than it seems to catch a huge piece of falling rocket booster with a helicopter. Now if you ask me, which you didn't, catching a huge, plummeting metal rocket booster, even with parachutes, with a helo looks very hard. I would not want to be on the helo, even if they know something I don't. Oddly, they haven't succeeded yet.

Next week, the same company will be catching a falling satellite, the size of a school bus, with a paper airplane.  

So we traveled to the wedding, in Maryland. And in the car. Did you know it's becoming borderline impossible to get air for your tires? Both at the convenience store were broken.  They disappeared from the gas stations. The line was 5 deep at CostCo. It's kind of important, as I understand it, right next to gas and oil. And candy.

It's always nice to get out on the interstate and piss everybody off by only doing 20 over the speed limit. Something must have happened because the Maryland drivers, normally kamikazes, were driving like old ladies, in the snow, at night. 

The wedding was absolutely the most recent wedding I've ever been to. There were people, ceremony, alcohol, and food, most of which I don't like. They sat some unknown people at our table, so I welcomed them to the rude table. They thought that was a lot of fun, possibly until I told them I was rewriting the vows in my head as they were reciting them. They didn't say much, so I don't know if they had a good time or were abjectly horrified. They did run to their cars, if that means anything.

One guest was gender-fluid. This is not a problem for me. The problem was his dress, or rather, below his dress.  If you're dark skinned and dark haired, you should probably shave your legs. I don't want to say he could braid it, but... And here I am, giving fashion advice to someone who's approximately 50% different from me, genderwise. Wife was in total agreement. Those pronouns must be a real bitch.  Wife went to school with a gender fluid person. He looked good both ways. She loved his shoes.

We knew things were going to be 'interesting' when we realized Wife's pocketbook and the gift were a few states north. We outsmarted ourselves by leaving them on the DO NOT FORGET table, which we forgot to check. Things got even more interesting when Wife was holding her keys, which had separated from her car fob. Sometimes I'm afraid to leave the house, even to the supermarket. Ever have a day like that? A month? A life? In the actual dark, the former kamikaze Maryland drivers had slowed down even more. To prove I'm not making this up, I had to keep passing them while doing the speed limit. The Maryland drivers pick on the Pennsylvania drivers, saying we're out of control. Maybe they see us trying to avoid them as being reckless.

We stopped at the Middle of I-95 Huge Gas and Food stop because Wife's bladder is the size of a pea. I was looking forward to a coffee drink or something to eat.  HA! The place had about 10 restaurants. Counting the ones that were open, it had none, except the little convenience store, where Coke is $4.  I was astounded, as I've never seen this before. There has always been food. I could get a strawberry smoothie, provided I liked mine with banana. After another long day I'd rather have spent not being social, this didn't go down well. Mrs. lefty ran to the car, so people didn't think she was with me. And I still had to wait 5 minutes for a cigarette. Hers - not mine. I'm not positive, but I think she's now smoking the full cigarette, as opposed to part of it, before she gets in the car. She knows it pisses me off. Yes, coming back from a wedding.

Chet Atkins to Les Paul: If you got a thumbpick, you could play with yourself.

RIP 2 greats of guitar

43 Injured In Manhattan High-Rise Fire Caused by Electric Scooter

What on a scooter could possibly start an entire high-rise fire?

It's the battery, just like a Tesla!

In actual unrelated news...

Tesla recalls 40k cars over patch that broke power steering

Do not purchase a software-controlled car. 

Yes, there are mistakes, but the entire car could be shut down remotely. The recall was first issued on Twitter. heh heh.

 

THE VOTE  

Pennsylvania seems to be crippled by 2 things: the candidates and the voters. Politicians are scum everywhere, so one usually has to blame the voters, who have done an absolutely miserable job in their duty as citizens. PA was divided by party long before the country was goaded into it by Divide and Conquer.

The most visible race was Fetterman vs Oz.  Fetterman won by a small margin. Now we have a senator with gigantism, tattoos, and a stroke that hasn't fully been processed. Remember, PA residents - this is the guy who stood behind Wolf and declared the government knew better than you, as it arbitrarily closed businesses and livelihoods. It decided which businesses were essential. You voted for the Nanny State. Again. You're not a bright bunch, are you? You have something against learning from your mistakes, or you want the government to take care of you from cradle to grave. This is very expensive financially and libertywise. Fetterman's competition wasn't much better. An anti-abortion tv medical fraud pitchman named Oz. The libertarian candidate got at least 1.4% of the vote. While it is paltry in the short run, it means people are starting to wake up and will help the state in the long run.

Our new governor is soft on crime and doesn't believe in the 2nd Amendment, much like his idiot predecessor (of 2 terms - it's your fault again, voters). The libertarian got about 1%. The republican is a religious fellow, who used bible quotes on his signs and wanted to take a 40 day prayer fast to improve his campaign's standing. He was also anti-abortion - surprise! 

The democratic state senator won. This person hasn't answered a single email or phone call for assistance. The democratic rep also won. At least he returns emails. Both may be responsible for a tax on outside purchases, like Ebay.

The PA voting results site has a revoked certificate, therefore isn't safe (HTTP). Vote democrat! Vote republican. Two sides of the same warped coin. 

Engraved into a 4000 year old Canaanite comb: “May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard,”

Alternate translations: "I bet they'll never decipher THIS." and "Trump Sucks."

UC Berkeley immediately went on strike, saying "HEY, weren't the Canaanites Jewish? They are not allowed on our campus."

California voted on legislation to add a tax to the wealthy to subsidize the purchase of electric cars and build recharging stations. I don't live in California, thankfully, but the idea of adding more taxes is repulsive. Everybody deserves the fruits of their labors, rich or poor. People seem to think taking money from the rich is ok. Well, people who aren't rich think it's ok. I say no more. No more taxes on any of us. Too much of our hard-earned money is stolen, mostly by the federal government.  It is not the job of the rich, or anybody else, to subsidize the purchase of electric cars for people who can't afford them. Nor is it their job to build up electric vehicle infrastructure. Let's see some deep cuts in the local and state and federal governments. Let's get the inefficiency and theft out first. The idea of this just proves the statement "once they get their hands in your pockets, it will never stop."

I am searching my memory for who subsidized my house, car, and everything else.  I just can't come up with anybody. We must be going socialist.

UPDATE: The inmates of California voted this down. Another state didn't, but I forget which.

US airport finds gun stuffed in chicken by traveller

You underestimate the brilliance of this tactical maneuver 

• on the field of battle, the enemy will see a wave of soldiers with chickens and grossly underestimate the situation. Then BOOM!
• the stash doesn't have to be limited to guns - grenades, small bombs, and rifles are possible with the right chicken
• in the Middle East, the chicken could be replaced with a pig
• this could be the tactic that helps us achieve World Dominance (at $5500 per chicken, from Halliburton)

The Only Blog with Hyaluronic Acid!

 

Your love is like  unexploded ordnance 

What's the only thing dumber than a Philadelphia voter?

Two Philadelphia voters.

Today I identify as  Micellar water, which goes so well with hyaluronic acid

Quite a few of us are introverts. We quake in fear of having to go to parties and social events. We might be in the corner, reading a book or checking our 17 email addresses on our phone. We desperately want to avoid social interaction. Let us assume, just for a second, that this is a less than positive behavior. How do we appear to be good guests, without trying too hard or running for the door like a lion after an IRS agent? It just came to me... perhaps a few well-chosen phrases will start conversation, or at least make people think you're witty enough to invite to their party. Oh..., that would be self-defeating, wouldn't it?  How about a few key phrases to distract attention from your inclination to tell them all to do something physically impossible and morally uncertain? The first key to conversation is to say something (duh) that will prompt further conversation. People are generally stupid and narcissistic, so they'll take any opportunity to talk about themselves. Give them one phrase and you have something that some people will misconstrue as 'conversation.'  Let me think of a few....

• There sure is a lot of weather out there.
• Hey, how bout them [insert sports team]. Sometimes I just say "How bout those insert sports team." Many people won't even hear what you said and will take off about some sports team. The only downside is that people will take off about some sports team.
• How about that new Intel 12th generation architecture? If you can't join them, bore them. Ask about chips and you will eventually start a stampede for the bar. They won't bother you again. This is brilliant strategy.
• Good evening kill your pets.  People only hear the first few syllables of anything you say (or email)
• Where did you get that dress? This confuses the hell out of men.
• Keeping one eye open much wider than the other, ask hypothetically how they'd take out a public figure. For some reason, people avoid you when you look mentally questionable or completely unhinged. Warning: this could backfire and someone who read this list will make suggestions and YOU will have to retreat.
• Hey, how bout that new War and Peace sequel?
• I sure hope the Phillies tank. Traffic is bad enough as it stands. Plus the yahoos climbing greased poles and turning trucks over will just continue to ruin our already trashy reputation.

REMINDER: for all you using Signal for your encrypted messaging, you will need a regular old SMS messaging program shortly. Signal will only handle its own protocol. It's still the only way to go. If you have any suggestions for non-invasive SMS clients, please send it in comments (especially if it won't display emojis).

RIP comedian Gallagher, of smashing watermelons (76), in hospice with organ failure.  

 

RIP Dan McCafferty (76), instantly identifiable singer of Nazareth (Love Hurts, Hair of the Dog)

I must've been bored and just didn't know it.

I heard this cracking noise, which I desperately wanted to ignore. It was near the hinge of my laptop. I handled it very gently. It behaved. But that should have been the warning I needed; nothing behaves here - computer, dog, or people. Rather than annoy it, I left it alone and used my old laptop, which hasn't had any of these problems in its long years of use. I figured if I left the newer laptop alone for a weekend, it would enjoy the vacation and exorcise the nasty juju from it. That was stupid. By Monday the entire display had gone Almost Black (yes, it's a color). I don't have time to be stunned anymore, nor could I be, so I just shook my head and tried the monitor I had plugged in. Unfortunately I had to figure out how to move the icons, panels, 'start' button, and the armadillos to the right monitor. This is not easy, but I got it done in an hour. People who know what they're doing can do it in 5 minutes. Then I had to communicate with the laptop and give it the bad news about its display. This is never an easy thing to do and you never know how the rest of the computer will react. Finally I convinced it that it should send everything to the right monitor, as opposed to its display. Naturally during bootup, everything comes up on the laptop display, so I have to log in by feel and memory, neither of which I have much of. 

As if that weren't enough, I promptly forgot what I was going to type next. The doctors tell me this is perfectly normal, only they won't tell me what it's perfectly normal for.

And furthermore, as if THAT weren't enough, I now have an interminable delay when I type or click or sneeze, which is really embarrassing. So my main computer is now delayed by several seconds. While this is perfectly normal for a spouse, it's unworkable for a computer. So now it's time for troubleshooting. There is nothing hogging the processor, no network traffic, and plenty of memory. Well, that's about it for me. I made a linux live usb, which the computer will boot to and run a live version of linux, without the hard drive. This helps evaluate the operating system or diagnose it. You know what's coming next, right? The computer won't boot to the usb drive, whether it's a BIOS setting or some other reason. Naturally I can't GET to the BIOS setting because the display is broken. So I'd have to troubleshoot the troubleshooting, but I just don't have the intestinal fortitude for that. Or the coffee. 

The problem doesn't look like it can be resolved at home. My initial idea was to resolve the problem in the Bahamas, but I suspect I won't have better luck there. I guess it's back to the manufacturer for a new display (costing roughly as much as the Bahamas resolution). Once my head stops hurting and I can see again, I need to take the hard drives out, so they don't see my hamster pr0n. I'd rather keep that to myself (and my readers, who would never tell anyone, right?). JFC. We won't even begin to discuss my penchant for keeping original boxes, in case something breaks.  We won't discuss it because of Wife's penchant for throwing things out.

Born under a bad sign

I been down since I began to crawl

If it wasn't for bad luck

I wouldn't have no luck at all.

My mother is a very smart lady. She makes my favorite chocolate chip cookies in the world, along with an incredibly heavy chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing. When Wife asked for the cake recipe, Mom said it was on the back of the cocoa box. She kept saying that and forgetting to show how to make the chocolate chip cookies. Here is where the sheer genius in her plan comes out: she has dementia and couldn't give up a recipe if she wanted to. She will take it to her grave. Brilliant.

Best lyrics this week: And as I stand here at your door, my knees are all a-knock.

-Dan Baird 

Speaking of Tesla, and we usually are, a new item surfaced, having nothing to do with exploding batteries. Tesla is installing Zoom in its new cars.This way you can clearly see the last face you'll ever see when you're not looking at the road because you're not too bright and think Driver Assist means Auto Drive. Or because you have the attention span of a 2 year old. Either way, this is a brilliant idea on the part of Tesla, which will rid us of thousands more of their drivers. Just to make everything right with the universe, as the car crashes, the battery blows up.

Since we've had our daily Tesla shot, it's time for Zoom. Zoom is a marketing company full of liars, with a product designed for marketing and with security as an afterthought.

The other day I donned my armor and small thermonuclear device in order to deal with my arch nemesis - the washer. This was only my second time doing battle with the cursed beast, as Wife was away. I think she just likes to see me terrified. I got the small (4") binder with the instructions and went to face it, my courage having peaked a few hours previous, while putting on the armor. Have you ever tried to put on armor? Don't. It chafes in places you'd rather not have chafing. It's difficult to fight the enemy with chafing in your..... never mind, you get it.

It's not enough I had to do battle - it's worse when there are unforeseen obstacles. There was already a load in the washer. Thinking quickly, I decided the best course was putting it in the dryer (this is why I make the Big Bucks). Unfortunately I had a double unforeseen on my hands; the dryer was also full. Because there were 2 full loads, there was not a single wash basket to be found.  How does she do this? I emptied the dryer and, with no other place to put it, dropped the load on the floor (this is a test to see if she's reading the blog).  The washed load did not smell like seafood (or tires), so it went into the dryer.  When all was done, I had a pile of folded clean laundry, even though I "don't fold right." This situation was made moot when the dog completely tore everything apart and laid on it, because no clothing is complete without a generous coating of dog hair. I tell you this not for the congrats on my battle, but because in all this wash, my clothes are still missing. She had been doing wash for an entire week and she doesn't know either. I dare not ask what she was washing or has she seen my clothes anytime recently or WHY she hasn't seen my clothes... my body just can't stand the injuries.

So, my clothes are still in the No Clothes Zone<tm>. I have (or had) enough t-shirts to bring down the Russian army, but nobody knows where they are.  Perhaps in a different universe, some dude is wondering where buttloads of really cool t-shirts have appeared from. We asked award-winning NYU theoretical physicist Michio Kaku for a possible theory and if this is an example of string theory. He thought about it for a while, nodding and shaking his head, and replied, "How TF should *I* know?" That was theoretical physicist Michio Kaku. Abandoning alternate universe stringy theories, I wondered if it was theft. Nah, why only my t-shirts? They're cool but not that cool. Why not Wife's 'special' underwear? Or any of 4 billion dog toys? Money. Guitars. No, just t-shirts and some jeans. Have we been robbed by a second hand store? Nah- no women's clothes gone. I hired a forensic team to examine the area around the washer for evidence of dark wash, but they found nothing. It's the perfect Wash Disappearance.  In fact, nobody knows if this is even a crime. Just to be certain, next week we're bringing in Jethro from NCIS. He couldn't make it this week because his Team Weirdo quit and he needs to find a new one. Haven't you noticed all of those shows have the Team Weirdo, geek, odd person, woman with so much makeup there are cosmetics commercials targeted just to her?

Fortunately I still have socks.  Unfortunately this is because Wife bought me more, despite my observation that it was cheaper to wash them than pull a Jerry Lewis, who would never wear socks a second time. If I find no socks this week, I'll be forced to assume they've run away with the darks.  Another theory is that a woman who finds me attractive keeps stealing my clothes, in hopes of seeing me naked. There are 2 problems with this theory: 1. all she'd have to do is ask  2. there are no women who find me attractive, including and especially Mrs. lefty.

So the search continues, with night-vision goggles, ghost-hunting beepy boxes, torches, a crystal ball in the shape of a boobie, model glue (that I picked a bad week to stop sniffing), and 12 failed contestants from the Masked Furry. I don't stand a chance.

NASA will leave its $4.1 billion rocket outside as Nicole approaches Florida

How many times have I told you not to leave your rocket outside during a storm? Do you have any idea what those things cost? If you keep this up, your Uncle Joe will have to start taxing us every time we go to the bathroom. You never see the Air Force leaving planes out in a storm. The Army doesn't leave M-16s out. Only NASA. If you do this one more time, I'm going to take your rocket away and give it to the Welsh, whose silly accents will make any communications impossible.

Mortally Wounded by a Gownless Evening Strap

 

Your love is like  coffee growing hair on top

Big Meat Companies Want to Use Smartwatches to Track Workers’ Every Move

[put on your James Earl Jones voice]   Big. Meat.

Today I identify as  Carol Burnett

Speaking of Bombcast/Rexfinity, I had to go to the website to check something. Not only are they greedy, they have an entire department dedicated to making sure you get absolutely nothing helpful from the help app. There are corporate vacations where they play the results of user queries. They seem to have two responses: install the mobile app or install the mobile app. I've met sleeping anvils that were more helpful. I found out I was paying for a certain download speed and went to the provided link to check the speed. I'm fairly reasonable (once or twice a year) but 15% of what I'm paying for doesn't qualify as paying for that speed. If I were able to get a human on the phone, they would tell me they're very sorry and I am a valuable customer...

I have the 400mb download plan. Per your speed test, I get no greater than 75mb. I measured at all times of night and day, with similar results.

I see. Well, we are very sorry for the performance. Let me look at your account.

Thank you.

Ok, I see you have the 400mb download plan.

Where were you when I said that?

Ok, what you can do is upgrade to the 1,000mb plan, which gives you some tv channels, for only 4x what you're paying now.

I'll bet you can. However, I don't want or need tv. I don't even need 1,000mb. I'd just like something closer to the 400mb I'm currently paying for. 

You could get much better speeds with the 1,000mb plan.

Are you referring to advertised speeds or actual speeds? Assuming my math is correct, a 1,000mb plan will have an actual speed of 66mb.

Yes, and that is much better than your current 26mb download speed.

I have a bizarre idea: why don't you just provide what I'm paying for?

I'm sorry, Sir, but state and local ordinances prohibit it.

So you're not allowed to provide what you advertise?

That is correct.

Can you hear me shaking my head?

No, but you can always go to our only competition, whose actual speed is 10% of advertised speed.

It's called a duopoly.

Exactly.

How about troubleshooting?

What about it?

Let's try some.

That is most irregular.

Humor me.

Ok, you can get greater speed by moving the computer closer to the wireless base.

It's 2' from the base. Should I duct tape them together? How much of a speed increase do you think I'll see? Does the brand of duct tape matter?

Sir, you're never going to get full rated speed. It goes down the further you get from a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Then why do you advertise it?

Because we can.

Next troubleshooting tip, please.

You can also purchase the 1,500mb plan.

Which would arguably net me 100mb.

Yes. But you'd get Disney and The Masked Furry 24/7!

If you provided that, you'd have to lower the rate to compensate me.

We have a 2,000mb package....

• Boeing lost $766 million in Q3 on the project to build Air Force One aircraft.
• It increases Boeing's total losses on the two jets to $1.9 billion since the build began.  
• Boeing bears the cost of any delays under a deal struck with the Trump Administration.

We need more of this. Point to Trump.

My brand new, high powered work laptop is causing me grief. Yes, it has Windows, and that's a burden, but the current problem is the O-key. It's intermittent. Most of the time it refuses to perform its function of putting an 'O' on the screen.  O is a relatively popular letter, so I have to pay particular attention to the screen. If there's one thing I'm not really good at, it's paying attention. 

There are many words that become difficult, like word, your mother, osmosis, cock-a-doodle do, no-YOUR mother, laptop, nose hair, orgasm, and police found a bloody torso.

Here's where it gets bad: if I put in a service ticket, all they're going to tell me is that they can give me a new laptop. If this goes anywhere near as badly as getting this laptop, I might have to live with a broken O.

The Parkland shooting trial is in the penalty phase, with victims giving impact statements. You haven't seen anything like it - I guarantee. The victims stood up and eviscerated the defense team, wishing them harm, a quick death, and other things we don't want to discuss. This is not the defendant - these are his lawyers. They also took shots at the jury. Let's get past the hurt for a moment and recognize this behavior as ignorant. Everybody deserves a fair trial, even mass shooters. As for the jury, they ruled on the information they were given. Let's say it's a good thing the families didn't have weapons or there would be another mass shooting. Meanwhile, Judge Hottie listened to a defense lawyer say, "If they were your children, you would have noticed." Judge then had an absolute fit, accusing the lawyer of threatening her children, and sent him to the rear of the courtroom. Bad move, Judge. The lawyer said nothing wrong - you either weren't listening or took it wrong. Further, you lose your standing as Judge Hottie and will now be known as the judge formerly known as Judge Hottie.

Families: if you do something illegal and the police put you in jail, don't get mad at the police. 

We are sorry for your pain.

• There is a list of celebrities leaving Twitter because its new owner may allow speech that offends people. In short, they're against Free Speech.  Think about how ridiculous this is.

One of us wasn't paying attention, but more likely two of us. I'm excited about the guitar show this weekend. Wife mentioned the wedding I'm trying to avoid is this weekend. Oops. The other problem is that we still haven't gone shopping for clothes. I am not a fan of waiting til a few days before an event to shop for it, but no one asked me.

Considering I was buying something I would literally never wear again, we went to the 2nd hand store. Lo and behold, there were 2 black suits. Here's the funny part: I am apparently built like a gorilla. I have average dimensions, but my arms seem to run past my knees (they don't, but imagine the benefits of Really Long Arms). I never noticed this before, but every suit I tried on was too small, including XXL. I am definitely not XXL. Not even in 'that dream' am I XXL. When I am in high school and onstage in the auditorium, without a guitar, also without pants. I decided to further my useless knowledge and ask stupid questions like what's the difference between a blazer and a suit. My natural curiosity had the unfortunate side effect of annoying Wife. So in spite of my quest for knowledge, we left, suitless. Everybody I know goes to this place and succeeds. Except lefty the gorilla. I know that playing guitar and carrying amps does not stretch your arms, so the whole thing is a mystery. I found a really cool muted camo shirt. Wife agreed it was cool and I should buy it, but I wasn't allowed to leave the house wearing it on wedding day. Then I found a black shirt. My plan is black everything, which I hope will cause me to completely disappear. Hope springs eternal.

So off we went to a coat factory to purchase a new suit. Ugh. It hurts to spend money on something I'll never use again. It was an interesting start, as there was no sign of suits, period. There was sportswear, but I don't like sports. There was active wear, but I'm not active. We were going to ask a convenient, friendly employee where they hid the suits, but we couldn't find a convenient or friendly employee. I think the entire 57 member staff was on coffee break, in the back room, watching one of those idiotic shows with a panel of judges. I was minding my own business, not allowing the thought that there were no suits into my consciousness.  Finally Mrs. lefty SHUSHed me, closed her eyes, sniffed the air, and pointed to where the suits were hidden. This is a very valuable skill that has saved us hours of time and effort. I don't know how she does it. I can do it with guitar stores, but there's not much call for it. 

The suits were waaaaay in the back, behind the huge winter coats, 3 rows over from the large sign that said SUITS, so they were relatively easy to find. There were about 11 of them, which were easily hidden behind baby clothes. We picked out a random size and started there. Sure enough, my arms dragging on the floor made it way too small. The next one was too large. The one in the middle was close enough. It reminds me of some old children's story that I can't remember. Then it was Pants Time. I stupidly went for pants with the same number on my jeans. Oh no. No no no. No no no no no no no. When I asked why, I got Evil Wife, who was very unhappy with me for some reason that wasn't worth inquiring about. It turned out I was right - it was the same number as my jeans. But then there was the other number. I was starting to feel like a woman, with vanity sizing and plain old incomprehensible sizing. We saw a 32 Long. WTF is that? Is 32 Long 33? 34? Long is kind of indeterminate. I knew the dog was waiting at home for us, so it was all she could do to to keep me in the store and on topic. 

As I mentioned, I was actually partially prepared, having a pair of black socks at home. Somewhere. In the house, hopefully. Wife humored me and said that she believed I had the socks, but I should buy another pair, just in case. I figured I'd play along and visited the Sock Department, conveniently located under the Children's Toys sign.  There were 130 pairs of socks that seemed to be missing half of themselves. Wife assures me it's supposed to be this way - they're ankle socks. Really? And people wear them? There were exactly 2 pairs of black socks that reached significantly above the ankle. Mind you they only came in 4 and 12 packs. You know what I'm thinking, right? What am I going to do with 4 or 12 packs of black socks? I picked the Adidas because they looked comfortable and the logo was so far up the leg, no one would see them. I felt proud. I had made a command decision, like one of those Apollo 13 guys, returning from space. So you know what happened, right? I was told to put them back because they're too casual. HEY - they're black - how can anybody tell? So I am now the proud(?) owner of 6 pairs of black uncomfortable socks. But of course that wasn't enough.... there were ties. Did you know that you can't purchase a black tie? It can have Mickey Mouse, sprinkles, rainlike designs, or nuclear green stripes, but not plain black. I found one that was close, but it didn't have a tag and would have taken 4 days to price at the cashier. I do not believe this would be sufficient excuse for missing the wedding. Ok, I said I had black socks already. I lied... I also have a black belt. I believe it's probably with the black socks. So I located a belt, where numbers don't matter and letters are even further out there. WTF is an M size belt? It's the one smaller than the L size, you idiot.

It's just way more trouble than it's worth. We went home and immediately continued with our new hobby: drinking. Unfortunately only one of us can get smashed on the way to the wedding, as the other has to drive. I think the non-smashed one drives, right? You'll have to excuse me, I'm very new to this.

I also realized that my poor, long-suffering wife had assumed the place of my poor, long-suffering mother, in having to take me shopping for something I didn't want. I'm fscking impossible on a good day; I don't envy either of them. In a way it's partial retribution for making we wait 5 minutes into and out of every store while a cigarette is smoked. 

If there's any bright side to any of this, it's discovering that short shorts have come back. Yes, it means that people with large, wide backsides will be wearing them, but it also means people who should wear them are wearing them. I can't wait for tube tops! 

10% of the web traffic from Teslas is to Drudge Report. 

1. that's ironic
2. Quantcast is measuring where Tesla owners browse

Are we done yet?

I think the putative anti-gun democrat, Paul Pelosi, husband of Nancy, really should have had a gun when the hammer-wielding illegal alien burst into his house. We hope he's ok.

Divide and Conquer has everybody's attention diverted. They have done a tremendous job. 

Meanwhile, government will get bigger and we'll all pay more for the privilege. Hardly seems worth arguing republican vs democrat or vice versa.

Deep Thoughts by lefty

Coke tastes different in plastic bottles than from cans. Don't you think someone should do something about it?

Nails grow faster on your dominant hand.

A rapper called Takeoff was shot and killed by a 'stray bullet' at a Houston bowling alley this week. Getting killed at a bowling alley without even feuding is going to trash his street cred. Coincidentally, Robert Plant took out an AK-47 and sprayed the first few rows at his Detroit show.

Wife just had something called Apple Betty.

I'm sorry, but I can't eat anything with a name.

One of our main server boxes went monumentally slow the other day. Since weird things tend to happen only to me, I asked if anyone else had a problem.

ME: The Fritzenberger Box is really slow for me this morning. Anybody else?

Bob: Yeah.

Sam: A little bit, yes.

Chris: Man, it's way too early to check the Fritzenberger.

Boss: I'll check. Yeah, it's slow.

I was glad we were all in agreement. 

Nobody did anything, but we were all in agreement.

[an hour later]

ME: I can't get into the Fritzenberger box at all. Is it down for you too?

Bob: Yeah

Sam: Yup. No signs of life.

Chris: Well. I guess I better tell the Fritzenberger team...

Good thing I said something.... we wouldn't be able to work all day...... 

Oh.

Dear Mr. lefty:

Your package shipped!

We will have your tracking number within 24 hours.

Approximately 5 hours after you receive the package.

Thank you.

I recently mentioned the magazines in the pile trying to escape.

I fear the magazines are aware and might have read the post.

No, I do not need medicine.

It's just that they were trying to escape wholesale. Ever since I noticed it, they have taken to escaping a page at a time. I come into the office and notice a page sticking out of the pile. I put it back, and an hour later, a different page is there. While this would normally take years to deplete the pile, the magazines are smarter than that: whenever I step on a page, it pulls the entire magazine out a bit. So by the end of the day, a few magazines have successfully escaped. Or rather, tried to escape. You see, I like to consider myself brighter than a pile of magazines. So as they escape, I put them back on the top of the pile, so nothing actually goes anywhere. The net effect is moving up the pile and being mentioned in the blog. Since I don't mention the name or dates, they don't get individually recognized. Perhaps October 2021 wants to be on top of February 2021. This is the only way it could happen. 

What have we learned?

1. Magazines are trying to escape.
2. I spend way too much time thinking about this

Annnnnnnd Black Friday Month has begun.

I'm telling you, next year Black Friday will begin in February.

The president accused Trump and his backers of undermining democracy ahead of key elections.

Uh, Joe... presidents and Congress have done more damage here than Trump could ever do (I'm not saying Trump has or hasn't done anything).

According to our hardware, Marsquakes are a thing. After studying 1,000 of them, experts believe Mars is volcanically active.

That's nice.

• UC Berkeley is withholding comment and strikes until experts determine if the Martians are Jewish.
• President Biden blames Donald Trump for the Marsquakes
• BLM blames systemic racism and threatens more Marsquakes unless they get reparations
• VP Kamila Harris says studies are needed to determine if the quakes affect African American Martians disproportionally. If so, all aid will go to them first.

ATTENTION CORPORATE EMPLOYEES:  The Official Buzzword has changed from "The Cloud" to "AI". So whenever you're in a meeting, make sure to reference the AI projects, so you look like you're ahead of the game.  "The Cloud" is so October.

Somebody is Drugging my Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like blue cheese that started out yellow, then turned blue

It's the little things. They pile up. They gang up. They multiply.

Until they fscking eat you.

Today I identify as a 2nd grader, fighting my parents, who keep telling me I'm transexual.

Seen in your inbox: The meeting on effective scheduling of meetings has been postponed.

Laundry 

Around about 2 weeks ago, I put my winter blanket in the dryer. As we know, I have night terrors over operating the washer and sometimes the dryer. After drying, I assumed, foolishly, it would somehow make it to the actual bed. I mentioned it was foolish, right? While the wash process was happening, a different blanket appeared on the bed. Wife put it there (I hope). The blanket is not just heavy, it can protect you during arctic expeditions. I do Weird Stuff in my sleep, but to the best of my knowledge, I do not have arctic expeditions. I don't even go as far as North Dakota. So although the blanket is very comfortable, I sweat in my sleep. I can't remember if sweat is supposed to be full of manly hormones to attract women (or my wife) or it just makes me smell. Out of an abundance of caution, I asked for my original blanket, which doesn't make me sweat (or make me attractive to anyone). 

Have you seen my blanket?

It's in transit.

This could be the single silliest thing I've heard about how things happen in the Thermionic Mansion. In transit? Does it get loaded into the semi and get hauled to the bedroom? I could imagine it would have to be signed for at every stop, like Fedex, because I would dearly like to track it. I wonder if she has one of those cute little tablets with all the tracking info on it. I wonder how much it cost me. Is there a url I can check to track it? I didn't get a tracking number, which is how the system will get out of actually giving me the tracking information.  Was it Linus that always carried his blanket around? Well I don't carry it, but I really like it on my bed. I know I'm being unreasonable, but if she asked, I'd have carried it up the steps to avoid it being eaten In Transit. Must be with the missing dark wash. Tomorrow it's socks, so I'm prepared not to see them again for weeks.

For Halloween, Army base Fort Sill loaded up and fired its High Mobility Artillery Rocket System (HIMARS) full of candy. Over 275 children were killed or injured. Or both.

Halloween was rough this year. Due to Supply Chain Issues, we had to give out the smaller candy bars (and I had to keep my hands out of the bag). Neighbors walked by and talked to each other about my  scary costume (I wasn't wearing one). Other neighbors stopped to tell me they thought I didn't live there anymore because they never see me. Mrs. lefty was welcomed, as always. A 'Halloween tree' appeared on the lawn (so long as I don't have to mow it, I don't care). I begged to be let out of Candy Distributing Duties, but alas... The scariest costume was Joe Biden. He had to keep being pointed to wherever he was going by the Secret Service costumes. My neighbor came up with the greatest costume ever: a vaccination. There was an awesome green alien. I asked the kid if he wasn't supposed to be gray. Perhaps that was over his head. Perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to interact with children. 

Since we are where we are, it rained for a good portion of Candy Day (the only holiday endorsed by the American Dental Association). Smart Wife bought chocolate candy I don't like, so it will stay around a while. I have never seen so many nice people before. The same people who would stab you in the back were wishing us a Happy Halloween and thanking us for the candy. I must live in a good neighborhood (in spite of me) because I never recognize any of the kids; they are dropped off.

Smartphones "have made it easier than ever to avoid interacting with the people in our immediate environment

Can't argue. Wouldn't want to. 

Besides.. if you wanted to interact, you could text them.

UC Berkeley is in the news again, this time because of an IRS audit. The IRS wants to know, given 3,000 students, why there are 5,000 listed Jew/intolerance monitor deductions. They say the math doesn't add up. UC Berkeley will allow the fascist invasion of their books, but not if the examiners are Jewish. If so, they will not be allowed on campus.

After monitoring this blog for a month, UC Berkeley decided it needs to start picking on a different group, because 'the Jew thing' has gotten too much mileage here. They're debating on which group is next; Christians, astronauts, pregnant women, waste processors, or pregnant men. If you try to point out that men cannot get pregnant, YOU will not be allowed on campus. 

What are the evolutionary origins of nose picking?

Fifty bucks the Smails kid eats it.

What are the evolutionary origins of ass grabbing? Ball scratching? Michael Jackson? 

We're getting to that time of year. The time where I check my Use or Lose vacation time and realize I should have started taking off already and will basically not be working the month of December. I'm trying to take it easy on my coworkers, because this year most of them know my name. They are likely to be upset if I take too much time off because it will force them to speak up in meetings and answer actual questions. Some have volunteered to pay my vacation days if I still come in. It's not that I'm any smarter than they are (I am); they just don't speak up. Ever. With 15 people in a meeting, it always sounds like the boss is having a conversation with me.

I was replacing a part in a server yesterday when I saw something. I had to shake my head and rub my eyes to make sure I was getting correct information. In our server room, there was an actual woman, of the female persuasion. This was unprecedented. In my entire time at this job, I have never seen a woman in the server room. This has nothing to do with gender or hiring - it's just that I have never seen one. I have also never seen a Corvette or gila monster in the server room and I would have been almost as surprised. We have women and minorities out the wazoo, it's truly a diverse environment. Just not in the server room. Attractive IT women are like ugly Victoria's models.

Now, lets get down to the nitty gritty: not only was she female, she was very attractive, made almost to my exact specifications. This sort of thing just doesn't happen. She asked a few questions, so I spent another minute or two with her. Sigh. It appears that I'll be going into the office a lot more in the next few months. But then I went back to my car and remembered my wife's strict No Dating policy. Sometimes she's most unreasonable.

After the fully-vaccinated head of the CDC got the Flying AIDS, it returned. 

But by all means, get the shots. Do your patriotic duty. If not, do your duty to Pfizer's shareholders.

• CostCo ran out of Halloween candy
• It was a great secret, kept from 99% of their employees. We asked where the candy was, and they had no idea. Normally this could be explained by Product Shifting. After they close, everything in the store is moved around, so even the most frequent shoppers can't find it next time. The product shifter is a real sadist, putting the cases of soda all the way at the rear of the store.
• I am told we got Rice Krispies treats. They're much harder to 'modify' than the candy. Now with the flus and Flying AIDS variant Q, the hospitals are full and unable to xray the candy for the kids. What have we come to as a society?

Moon has been drifting away from Earth for 2.4 billion years, rocks reveal

This must explain Trump's Space Force. They were formed to drag the ungrateful bastard satellite back into its proper orbit. Get ready - I think this is going to cost us a LOT of money.....

SHTF at Twitter after Elon Musk purchased it. He sent executives packing, will reinstate Trump's account, and says the blue check might cost monthly. COST will be a fun thing to watch. The whole thing will be fun. Since Big Tech is controlling the narrative, maybe this will be a break for speech and opinions. It will be interesting to watch him start fires without batteries....

Comcast, one of the greediest companies on the planet, wants to raise prices, again, because they're not getting enough new business. I've had Comcast since day one, for something like $25. I don't expect to pay that little today, but it's gotten out of hand. They claim the average customer pays $136, which doesn't sound right to me. There are special plans for low-income people. I don't even use tv and shouldn't be paying that much. I'm sure the fees and taxes are ridiculous too, but I can't even get one of my state senators to respond to me, yet he wants my vote. Don't forget Amazon and Google for the Greedy-Fest.

New neighbor has a leaf blower. New neighbor is home during the day. Therefore new neighbor uses leaf blower during the day. First time today. Therefore exactly when my work meeting started. What new neighbor doesn't know is that *I* have a leaf blower too. I would not stoop so low as to use it, but I will spend some amount of time tuning it to be LOUDER. It's probably electric (probably because I spend no time with it at all and simply take Wife's word that we have one) but I will find out whatever engineering the manufacturer did to keep it quiet and reverse each and every bit of it. I know we're all going electric, but maybe there's an electric to gas conversion kit somewhere, on a back shelf. We could go with gas, then I'd 'forget' to install the muffler. If I spent as much time doing as I did plotting...

One of the frequent arguments against a government agency that studies UFOs is that it would leak. Consider the Stealth airplanes. They were made in absolute silence and the public did not know about them for 15 or so years, when they saw them fly. And The Bomb - the public knew nothing of it. Coincidentally, one of the bomb-handling sites was Roswell Army Air Force Base: there was no separate air force at that time. Yes, the government can keep a secret. 

Now that the jury was dismissed, I thought Darrell Brooks, of the Waukesha SUV murders, should waive the penalty phase and go with a good, old-fashioned ranking with the judge. The judge has been over patient with his antics, so she might be up for it...

Mr. Brooks, are you ready?

Your Honor... your mom's so ugly, politicians won't shake her hand.

Mr. Brooks, you have the legal talent of a dead squirrel.

Your Honor... both your parents are blonde - did your mom screw a skunk?

Mr. Brooks, go ahead and claim Darrell Brooks isn't your name. Were you hatched?

Your Honor - You so ugly, your parents didn't touch you til you were 5.

Mr. Brooks - Yo mama is so loose, you probably had many uncles.

Your Honor - you need to go back to school to learn how to rank. I'll plead guilty.

I was watching the news and a suspect was picked up in a 5 year old murder of two teen girls. They were out walking, there was no cell signal, and they were killed. I wonder if their parents could sue their cell carrier, along with everyone else involved. Cell carriers should be held responsible for their alleged service, or lack of thereof. We must pay our bills in full every month, no matter how horrid the service. My text messages now take up to 24 hours to reach my wife. Tell me that shouldn't have been solved by now. Our condolences to the parents, relatives, and friends. The saddest thing in the world is burying a child.

• Scientists invented a quantum watch. This way, it can be 1:00 and 2:33.

If you shop on Ebay, Amazon, or anywhere else online, check your privacy settings. Not that you wouldn't anyway. The companies will get your preferences and personal info, but you need to make your purchases private, lest some of those items come back and get you. I had a buddy tease me because I bought Eeyore items, including underwear, for Wife. If he ever found out I bought that dual-headed... hammer, I'd never live it down. Although it sounds like my friend needs a real hobby.

UC Berkeley is prepared to strike, pending the decision on whether or not Eeyore is Jewish.

Hey lady... yeah, you... I'm glad you took your health in hand and started jogging - good for you. You should try it on the sidewalk, not the street. Street for cars, sidewalk for joggers. Because if you got in the way of my car, I would somehow be responsible for your injuries.

You really need to keep up on local politics. Here's an example: we have a road that is always a mess. The road got fixed, and now we have a bicycle path too. Why do we need a bicycle path? The road narrows for the bicycle path. This creates a dangerous situation for the bicyclists. This is getting ridiculous, especially as these are highly congested areas. Although you have to thank bicycle manufacturers for using much lighter materials, so they fly farther when you hit them. 

Oh Lord, please deliver us

Provide us with a tracking number, 

and keep us out of the hands of the USPS.

My Emotional Support Elephant has an Emotional Support Armadillo

 

Your love is like  real imitation pasteurized processed American cheese-food-like substance product

Today I identify as  John Fetterman's stroke. Stop the hate!

My brother is going to see Chicago in a few weeks (the band, not the city). I've been to Chicago and they're not kidding when they call it the windy city.  It took be 5 blocks to catch up with my head, which got blown off under the elevated tracks.

I wonder if Chicago has a single original member in the band. Perhaps they have the original drum roadie or the deaf guy who turns the knobs halfway through the venue. The original accountant? The original guy who keeps falling off the lighting truss. Their original dope supplier. The original bus driver, who's now 80 and looks like he never came down from his first hit of meth. Sigh. They were such a great band. Actually it is one of the original horn players. Because you'd definitely know the difference.

Don't forget: there is no one alive who played on the first Badfinger album. If you see them, it will be Joey Molland's Badfinger. Joey was hired to go on the road after the first album hit and the original guitarist couldn't get permission from his wife to tour. Or something like that. What a terrible shame. Slade has an original guitar player and the original guy in charge of the duct tape. If you see the Jimi Hendrix Experience, RUN. All three of them are dead. I'd also avoid any Beatles shows: only 50% of the band is alive and all they do is stand onstage and bitch at each other.

No US-born Black players on expected World Series rosters

Ok, so the World Series is going to occur. Whose first thought is about the number of black players on the teams? Not mine. Not yours. Perhaps somebody with an agenda? Point taken?

Following SJW logic, there are no American Samoan players either. No WOMEN. No Asians. No Hasidic Jews (you can't play on Friday nights or Saturdays til sundown). Zero cocker spaniels. No emotional support elephants. No poor people. I think we might as well just cancel the games until we can make everything more diverse and equitable for everyone.

The SJW virus is even worse than the Flying AIDS, only there's no cure.

John Fetterman finally debated Dr. Oz. I hear it was painful. Fetterman has problems left over from his stroke earlier this year. Naturally the SJWs state anything said negatively about his health is ableist. He has trouble understanding and speaking. He sounds like a perfect politician.

If I took lessons from the SJWs, anything negative about my left handedness is dexter-ist. Anything  about my hair loss is follicle-ist. Anything negative about my pony tail is hairist. Anything negative about my over-the-top sex drive is satyrist. Anything about my huge penis is size-ist. Anything about my beer gut is fat-shaming. I should be the king of the world by now.

If one of the candidates got the top of his head shot off, like JFK, the SJWs would shout ABLEIST at anyone who said he couldn't do the job as well as any other candidate with 100% of his cranium and bits of brain not leaking out. The SJWs deserve to be governed by one of these people. 

Good news: the Libertarian Party has candidates in almost every race this year. Vote your conscience and play the long game.

Biden now wants to toughen up chemical sector's cybersecurity

Credit where it's due: we need to keep our infrastructure tight and locked down. We need to keep people and countries out of our electrical generation, water, transportation, etc. They are all connected to the net, which is almost an open door.

I know you're awash with excitement and curiosity over the final disposition of our car, so let me get right to it. I took half a day off to rescue our fair car, held for ransom way down at the bottom of Philly, due to paperwork and human error. We set off, with directions dictated by Wife's phone, which spoke to us repeatedly. It was always patient, and immediately reconfigured its directions whenever I missed a turn, which was only every few feet. Truth be told, it was a little more difficult than I thought, because I had the phone tell me where to go, then the wife tell me where to go. I served 2 masters. Or mistresses, as it were. One was always right, the other thought it was always right. We finally found the bank municipal building, at exactly the point I was told we had to TURN AROUND and visit a convenience store first. Oh. I should have known that.

We finally made it to the right office, where it was noted that THE CANDY IS FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY. We felt better with that knowledge. These people are city workers; there's no telling what they get up to if they feel their candy supply is being threatened. We were warned in advance that they ONLY accept cash or checks - NO CARDS. We left them a mortgage payment and were ready to bid them farewell, when I asked a stupid question: by the way, where's our car? All activity stopped - you could hear a pin drop. They all stared at each other. I kept looking to make sure there wasn't a chainsaw-wielding lunatic behind us. All of the sudden the silence was broken by one of the ladies, who suggested we call the police and ask. Oh. It was then I realized the reason for my discomfort was that *I* am usually the chainsaw-wielding lunatic. I had Wife get me a hockey mask for when I prune the bushes. It cuts down social interaction.

We called the police, who tried to help, but it took a while. It's obvious they hand out a buttload of tickets, so we wondered why the confusion. They asked for date, location, what she was wearing, and which convenience store we used to get money from. Eventually the light started to function and they told us to call the tow people. Or some other garage. It was starting to get painful. We were also about an hour away from home so we didn't exactly know the area. We tried the tow place, which admitted to having the car, and got an address. He seemed put out that we didn't want the total. After all, they only accept CASH - NO CARDS, NO CHECKS. I played along... how much?

YOU WANT EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR PARKING MY CAR IN YOUR LOT FOR A FEW DAYS? Dude, that's not funny. I thought you said eight hundred dollars. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DID? This is completely legal, city-sanctioned robbery. The total went up every 37 minutes, so we were advised to get there asap, capiche? Every. Step. Is. Pain.

Back to the convenience store for more money. Oops - Wife hit her daily limit, it was my turn. And as dictated by the Cash Machine Gods, the machine wouldn't recognize my card. Every. Step. Is. Pain. 

Off we went to The Concrete tow yard. The phone again guided us. We made a turn into a nice residential area, when the phone let us know we were there. I am not the smartest person in the country, but this nice house was not a large, lucrative tow yard. But we were 'there'.  Every. Step. Is. Pain. We called Luigi, who brought up his GPS. It started to argue with our GPS. There were threats made. Finally an agreement was hammered out: go back the way we came, completely ignoring the claims of our GPS. Apparently our GPS was not accurate below a certain section of Philadelphia. Or something. Turns out his GPS got signal from a better satellite, or something, and we found the place. It looked exactly like you would expect, complete with the "near the airport, with rocks for a road" look. We were tired. Hungry. The check engine light on the rental was on. Wife returned with a $10 bill, which was about all we had left. Every. Step. Is. Pain.

Back in our 'hood, I took the rental for gas before we turned it in. I strongly believe all gas inlets should be on the driver's side of the car. My belief was reinforced by it being on the passenger side. After re-pulling up to the pump, I set about looking for the release (and not finding it). Meanwhile I was called over to help an elderly fellow who also didn't know how to pop the lid. The lever was incredibly well-hidden, in the trunk, under the spare tire. Then I got back to mine, putting my card in the pump.  TRANSACTION DECLINED. Every. Step. Is. Pain.  

After returning the rental and getting into our car, the sun came out. The seats were like heaven. The stereo sounded better. The tires were blacker and rounder. We were home. 

"Honey, get the plunger. The toilet is stopped up again."

Every. Step. Is. Pain.

If you believe in reincarnation, I think you'll want to come back as a dog. Specifically one of ours. I fed her and heard a weird noise. She was checking between each piece of food to make sure there wasn't any tuna hidden there. She was not eating the food. The poor thing.

My office has a pile of magazines.

My office has a pile of a lot of things.

The magazines, perhaps in an attempt to clean and organize, have started trying to escape. Magazines are not very clever, so they just kinda slip out of the pile a little. Sometimes it's one, sometimes 17. I don't always notice it until it starts to obstruct the door. It confuses the hell out of me, so I put them back into a not-so-neat pile. And by the next day, they've already started escaping again. This creates a Me vs Magazines power struggle, which the doctors told me isn't healthy, especially because the magazines are smarter. One thing the magazines never counted on was my utter pigheadedness (bloody-minded in UK, hard-headed, eh, in Canada). Not only am I stubborn, I go head-first into a fight. Some call this brave. Some call it stupid. Even though I do it, I'm inclined to agree with the second group.

Before, I would have straightened the pile every day. Now that I'm a little bit better, I straighten the pile only when I have to take a mad dive over it to enter the office. Progress? You decide. I decided to do a little troubleshooting. Magazines don't slide out by themselves (do they?), so there's another force acting upon them (don't I sound like a 1st grade science teacher?). A-HA! There's my fan. I removed the fan, but the attempted escape continued. I had a feeling 5lbs of fan wasn't causing the problem. I'd replace it with 5lbs of heater, but it may invalidate my house insurance, or so the fire chief tells me. UC Berkeley has weighed in and decided not to strike, provided none of the magazines are Jewish.

Well, I'm about out of Science now. Are magazine covers so slick they naturally slip against each other? This is the force called friction. Or stiction. Or slippiness. Do NOT put 2 phones on top of each other -one will go rocketing away, possibly to a place outside the space-time coordinates of the room. Did I put the little magazines at the bottom and the big ones up top? Has Wife or dog taken to playing with them while I'm asleep, like a pile of leaves? The first guess is always supposed to be aliens, but even the aliens have better things to do. Except for Bob. Bob's a special alien, who needs to be watched all the time, lest he get loose and do odd stuff, like making magazines attempt to escape their piles or using the anal probe in orifuces it's not supposed to be used. In quantum physics, things don't happen if observed. Maybe I should put a video camera on the magazines, so they won't move. Or maybe I'd catch Bob.

The other problem is what will happen once I get this situation under control (very few things in my life are under control - they prefer OUT of control). Then Wife and others brave enough to enter will tell me what a nice job I've done, like they'd tell a little child. Then I won't want to do it anymore. The doctors tell me this is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I tell them NO IT ISN'T! We all laugh and get a cold Yoo Hoo juice box or four. 

Tomorrow I'm going to stare at the pile with a reproachful look on my face. The following day I'm going to look up reproachful. If this fails, I could stack them up a few per pile, but I'd probably have to buy a new house just for magazines. Winter fuel has doubled in price, so I could burn them for heat. But unlike reality shows, I like magazines. There are more of them, hiding around the house. Some are holding up the house. I find when you put them in large boxes, they stop trying to escape, but we're back to the space issue. I could give them all away, but I would miss them terribly. And you know the moment I do, I will need one I had. I will know exactly where it was when I had it. I could find the article within 10 pages.

To be honest, and I'm nothing but honest (and sarcastic), other parts of the office could use a good cleaning. And by other parts, I mean something to the extent of 100%. I have square monitors. Do you remember when square monitors were in use? Now you can't even plug one in, lest it confuse your computer and blow up the graphics card in a spectacular flash of color. While the kids would enjoy the spectacle, the fire company wouldn't. Nor would you. I have old motherboards I kept for fun. I'm not entirely sure why I thought a 286 motherboard was fun, but I'm sure there was a really good reason and to question it would make my head hurt. I haven't been in the closet for years, but there are probably some things better left IN the closet. I came out of the closet in 1995, but forgot what for. By this point, the closet has probably evolved a wormhole into a different dimension, where Kurt Cobain could play the guitar and Albert Einstein had good hair.

Dear lefty 

My mom is getting married for the first time and I don't know what to get her.

How about some birth control, you bastard?

So we're at the doorstep of a wedding we must attend. I've spent 6 months trying to come up with a way to get out of it. I'm not sure even death is an acceptable excuse. The main problem here is that I don't like weddings. Or getting dressed. Or driving for hours. Or people trying to talk to me. Or institutional food. Or worrying about my dear dog, waiting on us to return.  Aside from that, I'm perfectly ok with them.

The current, and main issue would be clothing. The last time I saw a suit was about ten years ago, when I interviewed for my current job. This was the suit I bought 13 years earlier to interview for the previous job. Since we can't seem to locate it (thank you, furnace), I will have to locate a new one. I suppose I will have to promise not to hurl it into the furnace til after the wedding, which is kinda sad, if you think about it. Shopping for a suit is roughly equivalent to shopping for a dress for me; I have the same love for both. Speaking of dress, we haven't even gotten to Mrs. lefty's attire. Since our house is largely composed of guitars, shoes, and clothing, I suspect there's something on premises she can wear. She has this fantastic black (perfect for a wedding) dress with a gold zipper down the front. It mesmerizes me whenever she wears it and I play with the zipper all night until threatened with bodily harm. I was already told that was off the table. I'm not worried - she will look wonderful. She cares what she looks like, so there's nothing to think about. I would feel more comfortable wrapping myself like a mummy, in black fabric than a suit, but apparently I'm out of luck. I have one pair of interview shoes, but I was expressly forbidden to wear brown shoes. I suggested black Adidas, which met a similar fate, even though they probably cost three times what black shoes cost. Black shoes are not made to be comfortable, I am told, nor are they made for wide, incredibly flat feet. They're like low army boots. I'm off to a good start, though... I have a pair of black socks. If I can locate them.  It also hurts to spend hundreds and hundreds for something I don't like and won't ever wear again, even to my own funeral. Supply chain issues will push the price up into the thousands. After paying to extract my car from the clutches of the police, I don't have that kind of money. I can look at thrift stores. That's definitely in my price range. Then when we arrive, I will discover the back of my pants are open and there's something 'interesting' written on the jacket in day-glo colors. I even promised to ask my dad to loan me a suit, but everyone already knew he was dead. Dammit.

Then there's a hat. The only direction I received so far is not to wear the one that says FU on it. Or Divorce Lawyer. No one has a sense of humor anymore.

Incidentally, UC Berkeley has sent a check, but threatened to stop the check if the bride or groom is Jewish. Or Zionist. Or married.

As for the groom, I was there the day he was born. He had a pet rabbit that used to follow him all over the house. We had a pet rabbit too. The dog would follow the rabbit all over the house, cleaning up after him. Some thought it was gross. Most were hysterical. So now the poor guy's getting married (the one with the pet rabbit, not my dog). Based upon many years of marital bliss, I can offer him this wisdom: RUN. Now. 

After all, weddings are just funerals where you can smell your own flowers.