Your love is like a blown transmission on a long distance trip
I like to buy annoying presents for my buddy. For years it was anything to do with farts. Because farts are funny, birth to death. Even to (some) women. Now that he's getting older, I decided on a nose hair trimmer. While I've not looked up his nose, it's an odd gift. It got me thinking that with all the rude behavior in public. you never see nose hair trimming (or braiding). Where do you suppose he should try it out?
- weddings
- public transportation
- work
- whenever his wife tries to talk to him
- never, NEVER home alone in the bathroom. That would be weird.
Today I identify as myself - don't hate.
Come and listen to a story bout a man named lefty...
He got home from the guitar show, whereupon Mrs. lefty left to visit people 3 hours away. All of the sudden, his phone was telling him he didn't complete the registration process. If that's true, why did it work for the last 4 weeks? When he called Support, he could naturally not get a human, even one in India. It would not take his payment information. He had no phone except for text. Wife texted, saying her calls to phone were rejected. He texted back the info, but because cellular phones are only 30+ years old, they haven't shaken out the bugs yet, and his texts take up to a day to reach her phone, if at all.
It was the bank card. I knew it.
Sure enough, the card was messed up and any service I had on it was no longer working. This includes the landline. So I tried to call the card Support but the phone kept shunting me to Purrrizon because they wanted their money NOW. I tried again, after which time they blocked me for too many times trying to fix it. I tried another phone for the landline, but everything was dead. I must have looked adorable trying the Eeyore phone.
So there I was, sitting in my chair, laptop going, and dog between me and laptop. Have you ever typed over a dog? Cat? Toyota? I had 2 phone lines that weren't working. No one could call in and I couldn't call out. Purrrizon said I had to go to a retail store to get things fixed. I don't think I'm as fond of this plan as I thought I'd be. I had no car either. After slipping on the escaping magazines, causing a monitor to plummet to the ground and my laptop to attempt it, I started to vocalize. And by vocalize, I mean SCREAM the most interesting words, possibly teaching both new neighbors some new phrases. The dog was terrified and decided to go to bed for the night (where I found her, when *I* went to bed... in the bed). After SWAT left, assured this was just another rant, not requiring their presence, I decided to continue my new hobby; drinking. I am told it takes a while to get good at, but I am up for the challenge. I didn't get where I am today by neglecting challenges. Unfortunately I have no idea where I am today, so that might be a bad comparison.
So here we are, the next day, and I still can't get anywhere. Just to make things more interesting, the laptop, which did nothing but sit and not be used, now has no display. It just shows me a squiggle here and there. The doctors say I'm paranoid. You're not paranoid if they really ARE out to get you. All of the sudden, as if by magic, the landline rings. The landline that was not working last night. Normally this would make my head spin around and spit pea soup, like The Exorcist. Instead I decided not to strangle anybody, cause SWAT to return, or continue with Drinking School before 9am. I thought SWAT and I had an agreement by now... I don't even have any guns. I'm not really violent. Ok, maybe a little...
Because the landline came up, I could get everything else fixed, with the notable exception of the laptop. It took about an hour plus an external monitor, but I did it. Even after all this, plus the time I put into my new hobby, I felt neither bad nor good. Perhaps I should advise everyone to stay away for a few weeks. Aw, who am I kidding.... at the wedding we went to, they asked that all phones be turned off. Mine makes no noises and no one calls. Now I have to turn my head to the right, where the monitor is. I expect quite a lot of neck pain by the end of the day, as opposed to my normal pain in the neck. But naturally, after getting the monitor going, the computer has a wildly long delay after I type. I can type out whole sentences then watch them type on the screen. Obviously the computer is straining to run a single monitor because it used to run two. It's logic, kids, get with it!
When everything calmed down and I was through with the whiskey, I went to work. I fired up some music to make work fun and discovered I had no audio. Pick your battles.
As it turns out, it's harder than it seems to catch a huge piece of falling rocket booster with a helicopter. Now if you ask me, which you didn't, catching a huge, plummeting metal rocket booster, even with parachutes, with a helo looks very hard. I would not want to be on the helo, even if they know something I don't. Oddly, they haven't succeeded yet.
Next week, the same company will be catching a falling satellite, the size of a school bus, with a paper airplane.
So we traveled to the wedding, in Maryland. And in the car. Did you know it's becoming borderline impossible to get air for your tires? Both at the convenience store were broken. They disappeared from the gas stations. The line was 5 deep at CostCo. It's kind of important, as I understand it, right next to gas and oil. And candy.
It's always nice to get out on the interstate and piss everybody off by only doing 20 over the speed limit. Something must have happened because the Maryland drivers, normally kamikazes, were driving like old ladies, in the snow, at night.
The wedding was absolutely the most recent wedding I've ever been to. There were people, ceremony, alcohol, and food, most of which I don't like. They sat some unknown people at our table, so I welcomed them to the rude table. They thought that was a lot of fun, possibly until I told them I was rewriting the vows in my head as they were reciting them. They didn't say much, so I don't know if they had a good time or were abjectly horrified. They did run to their cars, if that means anything.
One guest was gender-fluid. This is not a problem for me. The problem was his dress, or rather, below his dress. If you're dark skinned and dark haired, you should probably shave your legs. I don't want to say he could braid it, but... And here I am, giving fashion advice to someone who's approximately 50% different from me, genderwise. Wife was in total agreement. Those pronouns must be a real bitch. Wife went to school with a gender fluid person. He looked good both ways. She loved his shoes.
We knew things were going to be 'interesting' when we realized Wife's pocketbook and the gift were a few states north. We outsmarted ourselves by leaving them on the DO NOT FORGET table, which we forgot to check. Things got even more interesting when Wife was holding her keys, which had separated from her car fob. Sometimes I'm afraid to leave the house, even to the supermarket. Ever have a day like that? A month? A life? In the actual dark, the former kamikaze Maryland drivers had slowed down even more. To prove I'm not making this up, I had to keep passing them while doing the speed limit. The Maryland drivers pick on the Pennsylvania drivers, saying we're out of control. Maybe they see us trying to avoid them as being reckless.
We stopped at the Middle of I-95 Huge Gas and Food stop because Wife's bladder is the size of a pea. I was looking forward to a coffee drink or something to eat. HA! The place had about 10 restaurants. Counting the ones that were open, it had none, except the little convenience store, where Coke is $4. I was astounded, as I've never seen this before. There has always been food. I could get a strawberry smoothie, provided I liked mine with banana. After another long day I'd rather have spent not being social, this didn't go down well. Mrs. lefty ran to the car, so people didn't think she was with me. And I still had to wait 5 minutes for a cigarette. Hers - not mine. I'm not positive, but I think she's now smoking the full cigarette, as opposed to part of it, before she gets in the car. She knows it pisses me off. Yes, coming back from a wedding.
Chet Atkins to Les Paul: If you got a thumbpick, you could play with yourself.
RIP 2 greats of guitar
43 Injured In Manhattan High-Rise Fire Caused by Electric Scooter
What on a scooter could possibly start an entire high-rise fire?
It's the battery, just like a Tesla!
In actual unrelated news...
Tesla recalls 40k cars over patch that broke power steering
Do not purchase a software-controlled car.
Yes, there are mistakes, but the entire car could be shut down remotely. The recall was first issued on Twitter. heh heh.
THE VOTE
Pennsylvania seems to be crippled by 2 things: the candidates and the voters. Politicians are scum everywhere, so one usually has to blame the voters, who have done an absolutely miserable job in their duty as citizens. PA was divided by party long before the country was goaded into it by Divide and Conquer.
The most visible race was Fetterman vs Oz. Fetterman won by a small margin. Now we have a senator with gigantism, tattoos, and a stroke that hasn't fully been processed. Remember, PA residents - this is the guy who stood behind Wolf and declared the government knew better than you, as it arbitrarily closed businesses and livelihoods. It decided which businesses were essential. You voted for the Nanny State. Again. You're not a bright bunch, are you? You have something against learning from your mistakes, or you want the government to take care of you from cradle to grave. This is very expensive financially and libertywise. Fetterman's competition wasn't much better. An anti-abortion tv medical fraud pitchman named Oz. The libertarian candidate got at least 1.4% of the vote. While it is paltry in the short run, it means people are starting to wake up and will help the state in the long run.
Our new governor is soft on crime and doesn't believe in the 2nd Amendment, much like his idiot predecessor (of 2 terms - it's your fault again, voters). The libertarian got about 1%. The republican is a religious fellow, who used bible quotes on his signs and wanted to take a 40 day prayer fast to improve his campaign's standing. He was also anti-abortion - surprise!
The democratic state senator won. This person hasn't answered a single email or phone call for assistance. The democratic rep also won. At least he returns emails. Both may be responsible for a tax on outside purchases, like Ebay.
The PA voting results site has a revoked certificate, therefore isn't safe (HTTP). Vote democrat! Vote republican. Two sides of the same warped coin.
Engraved into a 4000 year old Canaanite comb: “May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard,”
Alternate translations: "I bet they'll never decipher THIS." and "Trump Sucks."
UC Berkeley immediately went on strike, saying "HEY, weren't the Canaanites Jewish? They are not allowed on our campus."
You underestimate the brilliance of this tactical maneuver
- on the field of battle, the enemy will see a wave of soldiers with chickens and grossly underestimate the situation. Then BOOM!
- the stash doesn't have to be limited to guns - grenades, small bombs, and rifles are possible with the right chicken
- in the Middle East, the chicken could be replaced with a pig
- this could be the tactic that helps us achieve World Dominance (at $5500 per chicken, from Halliburton)
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