Your love is like 400 Black Friday sales emails and flyers
- Yes, I just heard a neighbor yell "YO" at his dog.
Today I identify as someone who's not going out shopping anytime soon
The Giving Holidays are coming up. All commercial entities want to make every holiday a Giving Holiday. Black Friday! Cyber Monday! Pre-Thanksgiving Month Giving! Black Labor Day! (oops). It's just over a month away, so most guys haven't gotten around to thinking about what to get the special woman in their lives. Or their wives. It's not like we wait til the last minute on purpose - we just don't think about it til then. Maybe we need the fear to push some adrenaline to help us shop better. It not like you even have to go to the store anymore, although you can't get a Frappucino at home.
What do you get the woman who wants everything?
A cruise? A diamond ring? A large black vibrating thing? C'mon, none of us can afford that stuff. Plus if you cruise, you get stuck in some tiny little cabin, with each other for days. At least when you work, you don't have to look at each other. It's a new day - how about some new gift ideas?
- Can't afford the house of her dreams? Get her a Barbie house! Because all women (with at least 1 personality) love Barbies! It's a large down payment, but there is no credit check or mortgage involved.
- a vibrator made from real elephant trunk
- how many people can I piss off at once?
- a PETA membership, including a jar of real blood to throw at people
- a case of Flying AIDS masks, especially if she's the kind who wears them in the house
- an Executive bubble wand
- a Harry Potter Wand ("Anorexia nervosium!")
- Dirty Harry movies (the ultimate chick flicks)
- dirty laundry detergent
- dirty laundry
- a brand new iron, with its own rug shampooer!
- a book on laundry through the ages
- (wait for it...) a brand new ironing board! You gonna score tonight, brah.
- With all the SJW-ing about changing names of things, nobody has said a word about Black Friday. Think about that.
- look up password for the site. It had simply disappeared from the password store. Look it up in backup #3 and found it. My backups are carefully synchronized, so that explains why it's in one but not the other. (?)
- Locate site. Can't see it well, site blames my browser.
- try 2nd browser. Site also blames 2nd browser. Site has issues.
- try 3rd browser. I can see the entire site!
- Log in. Nope, wrong password. No it isn't, but I play along and change password.
- Log in again, with new password. Says it's the wrong password. I think this site's issues run deep and have something to do with its mother and hot dogs.
- Switch browser profiles and whisper nicely to site. It works!
- Now I can't see the ticket form. Oh. They didn't tell me I had to wait 10 minutes for it to show up.
- Fill out service ticket. Annnnnd the SUBMIT button is grayed out.
- Scream just a little. Click around the form randomly. Research their address. Start programming one of the ICBMs in my back yard.
- But WAIT!!!! The submit button isn't grayed out (nor is it greyed out). We have achieved submission. We don't know how, but we have achieved it.
Antisemitism - it's OK!
...survey showed that 26% of hiring managers say they are less likely to move forward with Jewish applicants. When asked why, 38% said that "Jews have too much power and control," which is also tied to another 38% who said, "Jews claim to be the 'chosen people"
Now change "Jewish" to "Black."
It's very interesting that entire flotillas of people are jumping on Elon Musk, saying he's an idiot and Twitter is dead. Imagine for a second that Mr. Bob Smith bought Twitter. Beyond the initial announcement, you'd hear very little. Eventually, people would evaluate Twitter and Smith's performance in his job. Musk has owned Twitter for about a month, and everybody's piling on to personally insult and predict his assassination of his own purchase, since his purchase. It's almost like he changed his name to Elon Trump. I suggest we give the guy a little time, instead of predicting doom before the actual purchase. Then we can pile on, for better or worse. The double standard is ugly; we love to hate the rich. Speaking of which, Jeff Bezos/Amazon just laid off 11,000 people.
Former Manchester United forward Cristiano Ronaldo is suspended for two domestic matches for knocking a phone out of an Everton fan's hand.
I don't blame them. He's setting a bad precedent and hurting the image of football (soccer in American) by not clobbering the fan. In the old days, the guy would have been taken to hospital (taken to THE hospital in American), with serious injuries and blood all over his face. Messing with a phone? When did football start letting girls play? (girls in American)
My new neighbors on one side seem really nice. But you know there's a problem, right? They like to make noise. Frequently. Mostly when I work. At least when I make noise, it has musical content. These folks go for the mechanical. There's a mower, a leaf blower, a car with no muffler, a window washer, a couple of pieces of metal they bang together, and them yelling at the dog. The dog is 140lbs of Lab, and when he wants to lick you, you get licked.
gadly, this is not enough noise for them. They just found out about The 12hp Noise Machine<tm>. It's big, it runs on gas, and boy does it make noise. It doesn't cut the grass, it doesn't blow the leaves, and it doesn't do windows - it just makes noise. You can get it with wheels, so it's a tractor too! It makes 37 different kinds of noise (with the app, it can make up to 400!). You can move it all over the place, to bother different neighbors. If you have a small yard, you can purchase the optional Directional Shell, which sends all the noise in one narrow direction, so you can really disturb one neighbor at a time. The 12 horsepower Noise Engine<tm> really brings the noise! Sure, you can get a half horsepower mower, but why bother when you can get 12 horsepowers of pure noise. The engine doesn't have to drive a blade, so it can focus on exactly what you want and need: making noise. Get your 12hp Noise Machine now, and be the
scourgeenvy of all your neighbors! Available at all Sears and KMart stores.
We all know the tv news is flawed in so many ways. My favorite is watching an entire team cover something with 1 fact, for an entire broadcast. A car chase or a shooting are examples: they send some poor schlub into the field to say many words about something they know nothing about. The other day I saw this on Court TV, which usually has some decent programming. A very sad multiple murder had taken place. All they had was place, method, and number of victims. The reporter was standing at the house where it took place, trying desperately to pad the 3 facts into a segment. We stared at each other and started to laugh.
REPORTER: Here I am, where the horrific murders took place. There were 4 college students tragically murdered. I am outside the house where they were murdered. With a knife. Notice the police tape around the house. The police tape crosses the front of the house, to keep people away from the crime scene.
The house is 3 stories tall, but it was built into a hill. Notice the police tape around the side of the house, where I just appeared.
[The new Police Tape Drinking Game: whenever she says Police Tape, we take a shot]
The police tape extends to the parking lot on the side of the house, so the area is not an exact square. There was a lot more police tape, but they are no longer marking off the parking lot.
It's very dark around the side of the house, especially after the sun goes down. This makes it difficult to see the police tape, still up around the house. FLASH UPDATE! Looking through the lower window, I see a KITCHEN! Yes, a kitchen. It could be used for making food or perhaps the alleged murderer got in through the window and allegedly cooked himself a meal, allegedly before or allegedly after the alleged murders. There are more windows around the house, some of which are no doubt bedrooms; several being the scene of the heinous murders. Our forensic specialist team assures us with a 93% certainty that the people in the bedrooms could not see the police tape when it was dark. One specialist pointed out that the crime tape wasn't there before the crime, but he was shouted down by the rest of our panel of experts.
It isn't easy to pad this shit out to 60 minutes, you know. We're doing the best we can. We're even running more Medicare commercials, as if that were even possible. I try my best. All my life, I've given everything I had. I wanted a career that allowed me to make use of my talents and my extensive education. Instead I'm on tv, in some God-awful freezing town in Idaho, doing location work. [tears] It's not like there's a possibility of a promotion that will get me back into a warm studio, unless something happens to an existing anchor. Hmmmmm.....
Right now, we're still looking at the back of the house. I don't know if you heard our big break in the case, but we've discovered what looks like a kitchen, on the first floor of the house. I was lucky to get a peek through the window. I could just make out a sink, through the police tape.
We're going to go back to the studio, like I wish I was. Take it away, Bobbi.
Bobbi: Thank you, Schlubby. We'll be back to you if there are any new breaks in the case, or if we run out of commercials. I'm very attractive, so I get to stay in the studio. Can you tell us which police tape they're using? How does it differ from Los Angeles police tape? By the way, it's 80 degrees here. You look cold.
- Apple Device Analytics Contain Identifying iCloud User Data, Claim Security Researchers
- but but but.... they said no information was traceable back to a specific user...
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