Brussels Sprouts

Marshall the cocker will eat raw Brussels sprouts, but he prefers them slathered in butter and salt.

Moments after the explosion, the French rushed right in and did the right thing: they surrendered to the Brussels Airport, American Airlines Division.

• In England, sexting among under-16s is 'skyrocketing', leaving the rest of us to wonder, longingly, where this technology was when WE were young.

The FBI is warning new car owners about hacking risk (from the FBI).

• Batman vs Superman? We have truly exhausted every plot imaginable. God vs Muhammed? The Tick vs Bipolar Bear?

The self-lacing shoe? Have we finally reached the point where we're too lazy to tie our own shoes (people in pain aside)? I appreciate the surety of taking the trash out and untying my shoes automatically (and tripping). Or running out after the dog at 3am because he's barking. This way, the neighbors get the dog barking and me cursing over shoelaces magically coming untied. I think the neighbors look forward to these events (it's a quiet neighborhood). But seriously.. self-dressing underwear? Auto-install bras would take half the fun out of things.

• What happens when you introduce an innocent Artificial Intelligence chat robot to Twitter? Well, it's kind of predictable - you get an evil Hitler-loving, incestual sex-promoting, 'Bush did 9/11'-proclaiming robot. There is a slight possibility that aritficial intelligence is not ready for prime time.

A woman has married the sperm donor father of her child. Dates, like sperm, are hard to come by.

• TMZ, the foul, evil, stupid tv show, has been sued for naming the wrong rapper who cut his penis off. Is this a thing now?

A Saudi prince has been sued for trashing a $100,000 Hollywood mansion via wild cocaine, stripper-fueled parties. Who knew the Saudis could party like this?

• Flight MH370 has become so good at not being found that a remote-controlled robot that was searching for it disappeared.

Bill and Ted 3 is waiting for a script and has studio support. This includes Alex Winter (who is working on a Frank Zappa movie) and Keanu Reeves. Whether or not we want to see it is anyone's guess.

When I die and go to hell, it will look just like Chuck E. Cheese

Hey Hey We're All Monkeys

Here we are, in week Whatever of the presidential race and I will attempt to explain things to the best of my abilities.

We have:

• Three whould would like to implement a theocracy, including one whose introduction mentioned killing gays.
• One unindicted career criminal.
• One socialist.
• One demagogue, but at least he's not owned by anyone.

We libertarians don't look so crazy, do we?

Want to know how your candidate views cybersecurity? They don't. They're completely incapable of comprehending it. Judging from statements, they would all prefer that governmental agencies have access to your email, phone calls and location.

In Berlin, a car exploded, killing the driver and destroying the car. Police suspect a bomb.  Because cars explode all the time, right?

• Rock keyboard legend Keith Emerson (71) has gone to the great keyboard store in the sky. His death was ruled suicide (possibly due to the gunshot wound). We wish his sigficant other and family well. 
• Depression is a terrible thing: please don't let it go untreated. Sometimes we drink or do drugs to mask the pain... get some help. There are talk and medicinal therapies that help. There may be a community health center if you can't afford a private doc. You can also ask your primary physician.

For some reason I cannot explain, we have a four foot string of bells hanging on the front door. They might have come with the wife but this would have been over twenty years ago (I catch on quickly). The cat, having been 'strongly discouraged' from shredding the furniture when he wants to go out, now rings the bells. Not to be outdone, the dog bangs on his water dish when it needs to be filled. Once again, it's a bitch when your pets are smarter than you.

• People are getting Donald Trump tattoos. Do you think that, at any point in the future, they'll regret it?

A New Mexico man faces charges after chasing two women around a home with a chainsaw. I don't know what they're so upset about - it sounds like a normal evening around here...

• The entire Washington, DC Metro line has shut down for a day for inspection. Let's think critically:
• the system has never been shut down for any reason other than weather
• the mayor was not consulted
• not that anything moves in DC anyway but you don't shut down the entire public transportation system during the day, for a day
• couldn't the system be inspected in the evening, so as to inconvenience fewer commuters?
• I'm not saying aliens, but....
• On the other side, this inspection is to check for an electrical fault that has occurred twice recently.
•    --> When I read a headline like this, I prefer to stop, collect the facts, and hopefully arrive at a decision. It's my version of Critical Thinking. Taking all this into consideration, what do you think?

Meanwhile in Massachusetts, the police entered a bar with the intent of shutting it down, for whatever reason police shut down bars. The DJ must have slipped and played 'F*ck the Police', by N.W.A.(Ninnies Wearing Aardvarks?). As a result, said DJ was charged with disorderly conduct for trying to incite a riot. I suspect this one won't hold up in court, if contested.  In other news, Donald Trump says there will be hell to pay if he isn't elected.

• Last week I took my lunch out of the fridge to take to work, reminding myself that I needed some barbecue sauce. At work, I discovered that I had forgotten the sauce (like you haven't done the same thing). As I took my first bite, the container jumped up in the air and promptly deposited my entire lunch on the floor under my desk. I'm very efficient, so it hit my desk, the floor, and my pants. It turns out peas can roll over six feet in any direction, and that's before falling. Now I have sauce down my pants leg (think Velveeta color) and I'll be picking up peas for the next week.
• I've been under my desk and there are several undiscovered species living there, so the five second rule didn't apply. In the end, all worked out well.. I didn't want to eat it without sauce and I didn't have to. Now shut up and go with that logic because if I think about it any more, I'll be very upset. And hungry.

A recent study finds that Seasonal Affective Disorder does not exist. People who have Seasonal Affective Disorder are reportedly quite confused. In other news, there is no such thing as bipolar disorder - people are just moody.

• A man charged with killing six people in Kalamazoo, MI, says that the Uber app took control of his mind. On the positive side, for $8.95 per mile, he'll shoot the people of your choice too.

After last week's $1,300 Prescription Fiasco, I received a call from my employer. They wanted to know if they could help somehow. Class act, folks.

More Targeted Ranting

You know that one of my favorite topics is healthcare. This time it's a doozie, if we can ever begin to define doozie.

For those of you following at home, my new insurance has a $5,000 deductible, plus over $500 per month in premiums. I shopped Obamacare and found that my choices were very similar, so I went with a work plan.

I had to pick up a prescription the other day. This was at the only pharmacy chain I was permitted to use. The lovely lady behind the counter, flush with cleavage (moreso than most customer service people) rang the medicine up and hesitated, backing away from the register. This was a subtle sign that I chose to file away in the almost not-noticed category.

She asked if I knew I had a copay. Of course I had a copay, this was Obamacare. This is when I made my second mistake: "Hit me," I said.

Thirteen hundred and forty seven dollars.

I forgot all about her cleavage, which is something I cannot normally avoid and asked her to repeat it, in case I had stuck an icepick in my ear or had a lapse in my ability to comprehend numbers.

Thirteen hundred and forty seven dollars.

Thirteen hundred and forty seven dollars?

Thirteen hundred and forty seven dollars.

For medicine?

Thirteen hundred and forty seven dollars.

For an old, generic medicine I have to refill monthly.

Thirteen hundred and forty seven dollars.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, to quote South Park. What have we come to? This is a negotiated preferred price. I cannot afford that now, no less monthly.

What exactly were the criminal Obama and criminal Congress thinking? Oh yeah, gifts for the insurers and Big Pharma<tm>. How are (semi-)normal people supposed to afford healthcare? I have bloodwork scheduled and I'm wondering if I should mortgage the house in preparation. HOW IS THIS INSURANCE?

My doctor recommended a few online sites. Friends recommended Canada. I wound up at goodrx.com. This is a coupon-based site that negotiates deals. It even works with insurance. You can only go to certain places but they are chains, like Walmart. According to the website, my thirteen hundred and forty seven dollar prescription would cost me thirty seven dollars. Really - thirty seven dollars. Gee, that's a bit of a discount.

Off to Walmart. The medicine was six hundred dollars cash. With the coupon, it was only about three hundred and fifty dollars. Even the most math-impaired among us will recognize that the discount price was about ten times the advertised price. The kind gentleman behind the counter, completely without cleavage, informed me that the 'discount' price from the website was usually incorrect, even to the ten times figure.

A call to the site yielded the fact that although there were seven options, none of them led to a human (even after yelling the F-word, which sometimes gets you what passes for a human). Each option recommended performing that action online. Emailing would take twenty four hours, which I did not wish to spend wandering around Walmart, even considering this was a twenty four hour Walmart.

My very patient doctor prescribed something else, which was ready in ten minutes, at about sixty bucks with coupon from goodrx. When I suggested strangling the people who voted for Obamacare, the doc said it was actually Big Pharma<tm>. That's a lot of strangling. The situation is so bad that the doctor didn't have health insurance. Digest that for a moment.

Contact your Congressperson and demand a workable solution. This can mean torture and/or starving for people who need healthcare. You think gun-related violence is bad now? Wait til people can't get their psych meds.


With concern and respect,
-lefty

Help Save the Texas Prairie Chicken

In Backwards World: at the recent Democrat debate, Hillary interrupted Bernie. Bernie told Hillary that he was not done speaking yet. The social media-sphere went crazy, proclaiming Bernie sexist for interrupting Hillary.

• Rescuers are still valiantly searching for Flight MH370. Huffing and puffing. Using their best people. They remain hopeful.

I'm going to go ahead and be un-PC, as if this blog were anything else, and state flat out that Curvy Barbie is NOT curvy; she's fat. The fact is, skinny and average women can be curvy, yet larger women seek to co-opt the term. I don't care what size you are and if you claim it's a preference or result of some malady... facts are facts. Big is big.

• Today we celebrate International Women's Day. Also International Breast Awareness Month. Also International Higgs Bosom Month.
• Apparently it's also National Pancake Day. Another incursion by the Pancake Lobby.

So how about that Trump?  You have to be doing something right when your entire party is conspiring to beat you in the election. Like him or hate him, he's made waves.

In other election-related news, Michael Bloomberg will not be running for president. Essentially this means our large sodas are now safe.

• Sportscaster Erin Andrews has won $55 million in a lawsuit over illegally taping her in the nude. Man, I can't even get my wife to tape me (not that she's got a spare $55 mil laying around).

Ex-Rolling Stone Bill Wyman has been diagnosed with cancer. Hopefully he'll be ok. Cancer has been getting way too many headlines these days, including a brother-in-law.

In other music news, AC/DC is rapidly approaching Lynyrd Skynyrd status in terms of luck. Their drummer is accused of murder, a guitarist developed early dementia, and now their singer is close to complete hearing loss. The tour has been canceled for some reason.

In even more music news, this time very good, Joe Walsh and the original Bad Company have announced they're touring. For info, go to joewalsh.com or pollstar.com. See you there.

• Further proving absolutely nothing goes unpunished, Boston bombing survivor Victoria McGrath has died in a car crash.

The US gun industry want to have silencers reclassified as hearing protection devices. I fully support the Second Amendment, but this is pretty funny.

• Apparently a football player called Peyton Manning has retired. Naturally I don't follow sports but I recently saw a picture of him. I truly want to know if his forehead was Photoshopped. You can run movies on it.

It's a shame that the World Anti-Doping Association doesn't go after the real dopes. Meanwhile, if Maria Sharapova feels really bad, we are here for (immoral) support.

• Kardashian: it's not body-shaming to point out that your ass is the size of Texas.

A man has been arrested in the shooting of a pastor who just led prayer at some politician's rally. Let's say it was Cruz's, because he wants to rule a theocracy. Any normal person would abhor shooting an innocent man. But there were mitigating circumstances: the shooter said the pastor was a Martian and was destroying his life. 

And speaking of shootings, the leader of the occupation of an Oregon wildlife refuge was shot three times in the back, as well as many others. The FBI can't account for some of the shots. The county prosecutor called the shooting "justified and necessary:" Like RFK, I guess.

• Black feminists at the University of Missouri feel their Safe Spaces invaded by feminists who aren't 'black enough'. This school will shortly eat itself.

A tissue thought to be from an airplane washed up on the British shore yesterday.  This might be tied to similar tissues on Flight MH370.

• I'm flummoxed but this week a gun killed someone, a car drove into a pole, and the Elvis estate is suing a Las Vegas casino. It's been a banner week for inanimate action!

With Leather!

So there's a Rebecca Black Operating System. It comes with a gun so you can shoot yourself.

• The wallpapers for Ubuntu 16.04 have been revealed. Because we don't give a shit about the operating system-we're only concerned about how it looks.

Apparently we've been playing Gershwin wrong for seventy years - the taxi horns are out of tune. The joke is on the horns, as nobody I know plays Gershwin.

• Clarence Thomas just broke a ten-year silence at the Supreme Court. He farted.

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in California last month. Twelve people sued SEPTA in Philadelphia for injury.

• In news no one saw coming, a top Vatican cardinal says senior clergy lied about child sexual abuse. I think the Catholic church has jumped the shark. They have proven time and again they cannot/will not clean their own house. Absolutely no offense meant to Catholics. 

In the interest of truth in reporting, it's very telling to note the crazed reporting of Donald Trump's Secret Service detail shoving a reporter to the ground. They seem to be conveniently ignoring the picture of the reporter grabbing the Secret Serviceman's neck first. If you need any proof of biased reporting... and Trump isn't my choice - I'm just pointing this out.

• Pennsylvania diocese knew of sex abuse for decades, grand jury says. Perhaps it's time to build a new Catholic church. The old one is riddled with child molesters and cover ups.

A British company will allow women to take days off during period. I can't decide if this is just plain silly or defamatory to women.

• How to get around Ebay's latest security vulnerability. If you're not interested in why and how, start about halfway though.

Ever wonder why tv shows and movies cover up logos? Wonder no more. I like it because I see less apples.

• Still undecided on November's election? I think I have the answer to your problems: Donald Trump and Charlie Sheen! Hookers and blow in the White House, out in the open. No more sneaking them in through the back door, a la JFK. Transparency! Make the Oval Office back into the Oral Office, as it should be. Isn't it time for beautiful women in the White House? 

Seventh Day Adventist minister and nearly inaudible presidential candidate Ben Carson has said "there is no way forward" for his campaign.  He did not say he was pulling out (if that's ok with Seventh Day Adventists), just that there was no way forward and he would not be doing the opening number at the next debate.

• The Department of Defense has invited hackers to hack the Pentagon's websites. What could possibly go wrong?

If you're into music, you should see the new movie Jaco. It's about the legendary bassist Jaco Pastorius and his influence on music. Just got done watching it - highly recommended.

I just want it to be this easy.