Wouldn't You Like to be a Pecker Too

I don't want to say there's something fundementally wrong with this country, but there's something fundamentally wrong with this country. A bunch of illegal aliens, accompanied by a mariachi band, just protested outside of the Supreme Court for amnesty. I'm trying to imagine a bunch of murderers marching around the Kremlin for amnesty. Or bombers marching around the Knesset for amnesty.

This one goes way off the Stupid Meter<tm>.
It has become so prevalent that it can no longer be considered chance - this is on purpose. Allowed to happen.

• As we know, I vote libertarian. Here's an interview with Gary Johnson, my candidate for president. Read it or not - this is just some info. With the current election environment, we libertarians don't sound so crazy after all.

It's looking more like the hidden 28 pages of the 9/11 reports may be released (over the objections of the White House and Paul Ryan). I predict that these pages will detail the Saudi involvement in financing but not the rest of the criminal activity (see Cheney, Dick). Rest assured, if this is being released, it doesn't contain the juicy bits (just like ufo 'releases').

• Prince William (R-UK) says he takes his royal duty seriously. Nobody knows entirely what his duty is, but the denizens of the UK can rest assured that he takes it seriously. The top of my single British reader's head just exploded. Thus far, his duty seems to consist largely of shaking hands, marrying an attractive woman (to great fanfare), and producing offspring. The cheekiest of Brits would say that Clive Public could fulfill these duties with aplomb (or an orange, if you'd rather) but we're neither cheeky nor British here. In fact, this paragraph might cause the first UK attack on the US in history.

Bill Cosby's wife, Camille, has finished giving her evidence in a defamation case filed by seven women accusing the comedian of sexual assault. "I was not there. He certainly never drugged ME. I am a kitchen table."

• Utah has declared porn to be a public health risk. This is the state with the most traffic to porn sites in the US. Oddly enough, all of the sponsors are folks with Magic Underwear (Mormons). If it were truly magic, it would save them from the scourge of pornography. 

Bad Day Dept: How'd you like to be the child whose mom confesses to the dad that after 15 years, he is someone else's child?

• At the 1967 Monterey Pop Festival there was a disagreement between the Who and Jimi Hendrix because the Who rightfully did not want to follow Hendrix.

Warning or request?

This Blog Brought to You by Peet's Coffee

Intrigue in North Carolina. In case you missed it, North Carolina passed mandating that a person use the bathroom matching their gender on their birth certificate; the only state to do so.  As a result, PayPal will not locate there. Further, Bruce Springsteen and Brian Adams have canceled shows there. You can decide for yourself whether this is a good thing or not. I'd pass any legislation necessary to keep Katy Perry out of my state.

• In testimony, FBI director Comey revealed that he puts tape over his webcam. This is the same guy pushing backdoors into all software. Why does he cover his webcam and why should you? Check it out. In case you were curious (and got hit by heavy construction equipment), I covered mine before Comey.

A Rhode Island man has been ordered to take down more than a dozen dead chickens hanging from trees outside his home.  Is nothing sacred? Doesn't he have a right to decorate as he pleases?

• There is no doubt that if you purchase that bra from Victoria's Secret, you will look like Adriana Lima.

No longer after me Lucky Charms: Arthur Anderson, voice of the commercial, has died at 93.

• SELFIES have caused a surge in lip surgeries in 2015. Wow, someone is benefitting from selfies..

I don't PLAY Guitar Hero - I AM a guitar hero.

• My wife used to do Catholic Aerobics: sit, stand, kneel, repeat.

PRO TIP: always remember to take down your adult swing, before the kids tell the neighborhood you have a swing set in your bedroom.

• A lot of people ask who I am.  I'm that guy. The little red guy on your left shoulder, whispering nothing sweet in your ear.

I sure picked the wrong occasion to discover that baby christenings are very different from ship christenings.

• If you run, you get a heart attack and die. If you swim, you get a heart attack, drown and die. Hardly seems worth the effort.

The Chalkening

Consumers don't think they'll get hacked.
Consumers are stupid.

• Florida, that bastion of Amusing Stuff, aka God's Waiting Room, has just repealed a law banning unmarried couples from living together. Now all the criminals can come out from the dark. Old people sharing the same space no longer have to fear the SWAT team breaking down the door and possibly shooting the dog. Young people who flout the law need to find another quality to make them Badass.

Country legend Merle Haggard has joined that Band In The Sky. Not sure what to say about this. Admitting I feel a certain way might identify me as a country music fan, which would be tantamount to death.

• Drug maker Pfizer has terminated their planned merger with Allergan. In a rare view into huge corporate mergers, this was called off because of new laws that would not allow them to hide their money or use a tax haven offshore. Let us take a moment to empathize with these poor mega-corporations.

The World Health Organization states that the world is facing an "unrelenting march" of diabetes, which now affects one in eleven people.  So stay away from people with diabetes. It is extremely communicable through the air, like AIDS. You can also get it from toilet seats. If you do contract it, you will eventually spit out your gallbladder and turn a strange shade of orange, much like Donald Trump.

• A computer has recently painted its own 3D painting in the style of Rembrandt. Rock group Rembrandts promise legal action. The folks who ran the computer artist say the project will not be complete until the computer has a fit and runs out of the room in a Petulant Frenzy. And cuts off an ear.

Janet Jackson has delayed her tour to planning to become a mother. She's taking six months to a year off to learn how the whole thing works, another few months to perfect her technique, then will resume her tour.  Plans to use expanding belly to assist with Wardrobe Malfunctions.

• David Bowie is dominating the 2016 album chart. There's simply nothing as good for your career as death. Ask Hendrix.

In its rush to rename a law for Antonin Scalia, nobody noticed that the result would be ASSlaw. He said ass - heh heh.

• Speaking of which, I will never be too old to not laugh at farts. Or places like Lesbos and Phucket.

ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce the final season of Americans Idle. Unfortunately it's too late - everyone has migrated to the Kardashians.

• Here are four tips to stop iTunes from slowing down your computer. Actually I'll make it five: Don't use iTunes.

Lawyers for ex House Speaker Dennis Hastert have asked for leniency because of health reasons and because he is "deeply sorry."  Well, if he's deeply sorry, let's drop the charges. He has obviously learned his lesson.  Among other things, he is accused of child molestation.

42

I learned a new word today: fleek. Actually, I sort of learned this new word. Someone used it online so I plugged it into a search engine (duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you) and came up at the Urban Dictionary. The first few entries did very little to help with my lack of knowledge. 'something to do with eyebrows' only served to confuse me further. Finally it mentioned 'on point', meaning someone's eyebrows were on point, cool. Being roughly the age of my readers, I didn't know eyebrows could be 'fly'.

• A plane was hijacked today. This is allegedly a person taking a selfie with the hijacker. Not sure if this is today's hijacking or a different hijacking. Amiable hijacker, though.

In Backwards World, today's installments takes us to Emory University. Someone chalked "Trump 2016" on some steps, resulting in the snowflakes feeling unsafe, demanding safe spaces, referring to looking at the words as assault. I couldn't possibly make this shit up. A mealy-mouthed response came from Ajay Nair, senior vice president and dean of campus life at Emory University. Just to prove that there is a modicum of sanity left in university life, some wags are chalking actual portraits of Trump on concrete to counter the impression that Emory students are afraid of chalkings. Lastly, here's an interesting overview. Beyond words. This phenomenon is popping up at colleges across the nation, in what is described as The Chalkening.

Just in case you think one example does not define a very strange movement, the Scripps College (a private women's college in California) student body president said a 'Trump 2016' whiteboard message is 'intentional violence' and racist.

If and when these buttercups graduate, the Real World<tm> will come as quite a shock to them. Imagine telling the CEO during a board meeting that you feel microaggressed by his suggestion and you need a Safe Space.

If you're in the mood for a little cultural appropriation, a black San Francisco State University Employee assaulted a white hippy for wearing dreadlocks. Don't believe me? See for yourself.

• The pope has condemned those who fail to help migrants. While failing to help migrants.

ThermionicEmissions bids a sad farewell to Ronnie Corbett, half of the British 'Two Ronnies'. The man was hysterical and brilliant. Check out some of their videos on YouTube. If you don't like them, I'll refund everything you paid.

• We all know my one (admitted) vice is watching COPS. Years back, the show featured a real-life murder-for-hire plot, including hidden video. A wife was trying to hire someone to kill her husband. Fast forward five years and the case is going to trial. Five years.

In this time of (greater) economic uncertainty, diversification is healthy. Queen has announced Killer Queen Vodka. Zakk Wylde (Ozzy, Black Label Society) is making guitars, amps and coffee. Sammy Hagar (Montrose, Van Halen, solo) makes tequila. Many rockers, of course, make various alcohols (go with what you know). Where is this all heading? Let us guess what rockers will be endorsing soon:

ZZ Top: combination barbecue sauce and antacid
Hendrix Estate: too late-they put his name on too much already
Gene Simmons: marketers can't find anything his name ISN'T on, except Depends
Lynyrd Skynyrd: life insurance
Ozzy Osbourne: health insurance, pet insurance
Lemmy Kilmister Estate: designer meth
Queen: condoms