Let me help: I will attempt to describe the Boeing 737 MAX situation to you via the Argument Sketch.
737s have been falling out of the sky.
No they haven't.
Yes, they have.
No they haven't. I'm sorry, are you here for the the FAA version or the NTSB version?
Oh, sorry... the FAA version.
Anyway, no they haven't.
Yes they bloody well have. They fail at the relatively simple act of remaining in the air.
No they don't.
Yes they do. My cousin had a friend that was squashed by one.
No he didn't.
No he didn't what?
Your cousin. He didn't have a friend.
Yes he does.
No he doesn't.
Yes he does.
DING - time's up
Look, the FAA allows more time than this.
I'm sorry, I am not allowed to talk about the FAA, or even the NTSB until Boeing puts out a new aircraft. Wait - Boeing has a new aircraft!
No they don't..
Look here, matey, here's a picture.
That's not a 738 MAX, that's a 737 MAX with the 7 crossed out and an 8 sticker over it.
No it isn't. Oh, alright, here's $10 billion in loans.
Thank you, but they definitely didn't.
Didn't what?
Change the firmware. In fact, they found another really nasty bug over the weekend.
No they didn't.
Yes they did.
Look, I don't want you to argue about this.
Yes you do.
An argument is a discussion of whether the airlines will require a federal bailout.
No it isn't. An argument decides whether the FAA will bless the 737 MAX with the Flyable Award. Judging from present performance, they won't.
Yes they will.
No they won't. We both know they'll bankrupt the entire company, fire everyone, take away huge bonuses, and magically open up a new airline called Roeing.
No they won't.
Yes they will. And I will further mention that the pilots' association said their membership will not set foot in a 737 MAX until all the problems are worked out (except the French, who have scheduled a riot for it next week).
No they won't. It's going to take more than the demise of a very reliable (til now) plane to bankrupt Boeing.
Aha - I got you: the plane division is not the same as the military contract division, which will never go broke.
No it isn't. Boeing is Boeing.
Further, the NTSB backs the pilots.
No they don't.
Look, if I want to bring the NTSB into this, I bloody well will.
No you won't.
Boeing is working diligently on resolving the issue.
No they're not.
Ok, you got me there.
- Twitter just announced emojis available in DMs
- NO. JUST NO.
It's so cold outside....
HOW COLD IS IT?
It's so cold that we have to drink a Coke from the fridge to warm us up.
Augmented Reality is the next big thing, says Apple CEO Tim Cook.
We're guessing that it will not be encrypted.
- Cruise's first driverless car doesn't have a steering wheel or pedals.
- So if there's a problem, at least you're sure you're going to die.
I'm nothing if not unfair. Thus I must apologize to Philly for calling it a bottomless pit that only a large fire could improve, that thinks Center City is New York and prices everything accordingly. Today we discovered a $25 parking garage that charges you $5 if you're there under 2 hours and have a restaurant receipt.
What I meant to say is it's a bottomless pit that only a large fire could improve, that thinks Center City is New York and prices everything accordingly, except one really considerate garage. And the gay males stare at me like they haven't had food in 2 weeks and I'm a steak.
UPDATE: just hours after I typed this, I had to drive to Center City. I don't like to drive to Center City, because it involves the worst of every type of automotive bad experience: traffic stopped dead for no apparent reason at 8pm, random lane closures, downtown stupid drivers, highway stupid drivers, random stoppages in lanes so some malnourished rich idiot can run into a restaurant and get something... I can't imagine why anyone would find this fun (and I used to work there).
The city never fails to disappoint and last night was no exception. The new thing seems to be random street closures. They closed every 3rd street, for no reason. Unless the 3rd street was an even-numbered street, in which case they closed every other street. Just to keep you from correctly guessing which street you could use, they closed every street in certain sections. They changed the Welcome sign to "Welcome to Philadelphia - You Can't Get There from Here." After this debacle I foolishly attempted to go home. Oops - the new Neighborhood Beautification Project took all those ugly street signs down, and it was anybody's guess how to get to a large highway. I found more or less where I needed to be, but too bad, 3 lanes going straight had turned into 3 lanes turning right because of... you guessed it... another police lane closure. Because not even in Philly is there room for 3 lanes to turn right, I got thrown onto the highway I wanted, but of course in the opposite direction. I had barely made a noise the entire night, but being downtown always has this effect on me - I screamed like a loon for several minutes, causing William Penn's statue to cover its ears and his bones to rattle in their grave. If you listened closely, you would have heard Mr. Penn saying, "Don't blame me for this shithole."
- Dr. Phil annoys me. Does that put me in the majority for once?
NASA is getting ready to name its Mars 2020 Rover.
The first suggestion rejected was Mars 2020 Rover.
Maybe ThermionicEmissions can help name it...
- It Cost How Much Rover
- Zero to 20 in 10 Minutes Rover
- The Second Rover
- Rover II - this time it's personal
- The Aliens are Messing with Us Rover
- No Fossil Fuels Rover (because we can't find any fossils)
- Bob (my personal favorite)
Speaking of which....
- Mars Rover frozen in place following software error
- Microsoft force-updated it to Win 10
Boeing, a recent favorite target, for killing 346 people, is in even deeper today. The software fix to make it flyable won't happen in the near future and due to certification, may be several more months. Their new slogan: Boeing - Failed to Fly. The company has officially stopped building the plane until it gets the OK.
- a brothel owner was detained for pouring Viagra in the water of his town.
- Oddly, no local women were available for comment.
The first chocolate chip cookies in space took 2 hours to bake.
No offense, but people with Alzheimers don't take that long.
I went to a new doctor the other day.
He seemed surprised that I hadn't seen a doctor in 10 years.
I seemed surprised that he didn't have a lot of really attractive nurses.
He said I needed a colonoscopy and prostate exam.
He put a finer point on it by disagreeing that every 10 years was a fine space between prostate exams.
"What is your focus on the butt?" I asked. "May I recommend a mental health professional?"
He suggested bloodwork. More than suggested - he gave me a paper the size of War and Peace, that the techs told me would require blood draws every week or so because they need so much of it.
I told him I passed out at the sight of blood. He felt sorry for me and scratched off 1 test.
I recommended the best pizza in the area. He grew up down the street from it.
I finally won when I lectured him on the importance of left-handed ergonomic mice and proper ergonomic posture to avoid carpal tunnel and various other infirmities (none affecting the butt).
- How much longer will we trust Google's search results?
- Do we trust them now?
I want to warn you in advance about this next subject. It will shock you to your very soul. If you insist upon reading it, at least sit down in a comfortable chair, so there's less room to fall to the floor:
The surveillance video taken from outside Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell on the day of his first apparent suicide attempt has been permanently deleted, federal prosecutors said. Epstein, the disgraced financier who was facing federal sex-trafficking charges, was found semiconscious in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, or MCC, in New York around 1:27 a.m. on July 23. But that video is now gone because MCC officials mistakenly saved video from a different floor of the federal detention facility. The FBI made the discovery last week while reviewing a copy of the video provided by MCC officials. "After reviewing the video, it appeared to the government that the footage contained on the preserved video was for the correct date and time, but captured a different tier than the one where [the cell housing Epstein and his cellmate] was located.” The filing was made in a case involving Nicholas Tartaglione ... who was Epstein's cellmate on the day of the incident. The July incident was investigated as a possible suicide attempt, assault or ruse by Epstein to get himself transferred to a different facility. Tartaglione's attorney, as part of an effort to exonerate his client, asked the jail to preserve video from outside the cell. The MCC agreed, but "the MCC computer system listed a different, incorrect cell for Tartaglione," prosecutors said in the court filing. A backup video system was in place, but the requested video wasn't available because of unspecified "technical errors," the court filing says.
I am sorry to be the one to bring this to you, but I thought it would be less startling coming from ThermionicEmissions.
- Scientists discover why stress turns hair white.
- Voting.
London police to deploy facial recognition cameras across the city.
NO.
C'mon, is this sort of thing acceptable? In addition to their already ubiquitous surveillance? Don't forget - England and Australia are test beds for things to come....
Heroes of the Stupid
On a paranormal discussion show, a reader called in and asked how she could get in touch with the aliens. The host asked why. She said the aliens could help her out with her teeth. Ok.
Bernie Sanders' Deputy Digital Communications Director locked her Twitter account.
SJW Statistics
"trad wives" are white supremacist women who devote themselves to domestic duties in the service of perpetuating the white race. It is a dog whistle to sound less white supremacist than it is. Twitter - @beccalew
A delightful frequent-flyer, Jessica Yaniv (WAX MY BALLS!) has been arrested and charged with assault. The same day, she (falsely) accused a journalist of sexual assault. As Canadian justice goes, Yaniv was "released back into the community," with a Friday court appearance. I hope her balls are waxed by that time.
Elizabeth Warren (D-Uranus) promises her cabinet will be "at least 50% filled by women and non binary people." They don't even have to have any qualifications - just woman and non binary! What a great step forward for Indiankind.
Taking and tweeting a picture of a woman breastfeeding is the foundation of fascism: stigmatizing basic care and empathy and promoting (species/cis/white) supremacy.
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