Not Tonight - I'm Shampooing my Gutters

Ah, what would we do without a throwback to the days when a housewife didn't have to work and could concentrate on what was important - raising the kids spying on the neighbors. As with almost everything, there's a Monty Python sketch about it. Two 'women' had a complete room dedicated to surveilling the neighbors. They had telescopes and all sorts of monitors to watch them.

I only mention this because Wife is home and seems to have developed a sense of what the neighbors are doing. This morning, in bed, she told me Bob doesn't normally leave this early in the morning, and that sound is Emily, Bob's wife, leaving the driveway, in her Escalade. She thinks it's wonderful that little Jeannie is now old enough to drive and her parents bought her a little Ford Focus.

HUH? 

I live in the same neighborhood (most of the time) and never noticed any of this. I work from home, so I should have seen something of what's happening. I notice when Bob is working because his truck isn't parked where it always does. After some serious time spent figuring this out (2.74 seconds, 3.02 grams Canadian), I realized that I just don't care. It makes no difference in my life when Bob leaves for work. Ok, that's not entirely true: Bob leaves the same minute every day, which is about 30 seconds before my alarm goes off, so if I hear Bob leave, I can't sleep for more than 30 seconds. As we all know, 30 seconds is Prime Sleep Time<tm> and not to be wasted. If I happen to be dreaming at that moment, I get up at normal time, completely confused as to where I am and why there's a dog sharing my pillow.

One of our gay couples had one of those 'love' signs on their lawn and some idiot stole it.  They asked Wife if she saw anything or would she keep an eye out. You don't mess with neighbors, so Wife dedicated some of her extra monitoring equipment to keeping the sign in place. She has a 29" monitor strictly pointed at the sign, as well as motion, heat, and sound detectors. 

Sometimes you wanna go - where everybody knows your name 

Bob, from across the street, caught me during one of my sporadic trips outside and just wanted to let me know it had snowed that week.  Ha ha, funny man. Two days later, Wife said I was turning really white. I hoped it was just cosmetic, as opposed to health. I've always been pasty white. They say I get my tan from the refrigerator light.

N.S.A. Buys Americans’ Internet Data Without Warrants, Letter Says

Of course they do. Why put out all that money on spying hardware when you can buy it from Faceyspaces. Your tax dollars (and liberties) at work.

 

Inside a Global Phone Spy Tool Monitoring Billions

the better to sell you stuff and sell your info, said an advertising agency 

iPhone apps abuse iOS push notifications to collect user data

iPhone goes NSA 

Religious 'Nones' are now the largest single group in the U.S.

 That's right - become a None.   NOTE: not a nun. 

Nones include atheists, agnostics, and others not sporting an 'official' religion. So you followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster are Nones too. 

 

Amazon Ring stops letting police request footage in Neighbors app after outcry

 after outcry for years. Note: police can still request video.

 Boeing continues to have a bad day, this time via a nose wheel coming off before takeoff.

AI-generated puffy pontiff image inspires new warning from Pope Francis

Out of all possible things one can do with AI, some wag put him in a puffy coat. As one would expect, Pope was Not Amused.

 

We Miss Our Holidays

Yeah, it was fun, getting all those days off, making January even more of a pain in the ass.

At least we have MLK day.

I celebrated the same way I celebrate all holidays; I slept late.

Sometimes my body betrays me and I get up at 8:30. I'm working to get this made illegal.

Speaking of illegal, Mrs. lefty watches a show called "Jail." The long and short of it is that after people are arrested for something or other, they come to jail. The entire show is the process of coming to jail and getting yourself out of jail. While this might be interesting, the overarching sad point is that jail is a babysitting service for drunks and druggies. These people consume their drink and/or drugs, then go out and cause mayhem, without an ounce of responsibility. The taxpayers have to fund the babysitting service. It's funny to hear people upset at decriminalizing drugs when there's a separate standard for alcohol.

Addicts in drug-ravaged Philadelphia reveal gruesome risks to get high: ‘You could paralyze somebody’

So they hire a 'hitter' to do it for them. Show us a need and we'll provide the resource!

 

Mother Nature sure is pissed. Unfortunately we don't know at whom. She'd have to be Mother nature because Father nature wouldn't be this screwed up. He'd be pretty predictable and every now and then, it would rain beer. No global warming, no snow in Texas. No precipitation on game days. People would LOVE Father Nature. But no... we have Mother Nature, and everything's fscked up.

Depending on which source I use, we're getting no snow, a dusting of snow, 1-2" of snow, or a foot. The only thing more confusing than Mother Nature is weather forecasts. After being outside, Dog looks like the Abominable Snow Span. She was raised in a warm climate before we adopted her and we have to keep the gates locked so she doesn't try to go back there.

• In the past day, I've seen  someone with the last name Bull, and someone called Coffindaffer. Man, those must have been some rough childhoods.

‘I Was Desolate’: John Fetterman Worried Revealing Mental Health Struggles Would ‘End’ His Career

So he lied. And stayed in office. And in the hospital. Voters (and non voters) are ripe for the picking. You can do absolutely anything you want to us and we'll just crack open a beer and watch The Masked Furry. This person needs to be removed. NOW.

Speaking of treats, Wife showed me she loves me again (no, not that, you prevert).  I got a fresh vat of homemade vanilla buttercream icing. It's a tradition. Ok, eating it is a tradition. We don't bother with cake because cake is just a vehicle to carry icing. So we sit there with a spoon or two, under the pretense that we'd never go face-down in the bowl. We're only lying to ourselves - who gets hurt? I started doing things like this to freak out my mom, but great mom that she was, she would make chocolate buttercream icing and put it in a container for me. She used to get some instant coffee and blend it in and you have never tasted anything like it. It must've been embarrassing going to the store for instant coffee. That's a lot to get past. And I will forever miss chocolate buttercream icing.

The other day Wife got her hair cut. I thought Mom would like it. Oops. Not anymore.

I guess it's going to take a while to get past this.

EXCLUSIVE: CIA's secret office has conducted UFO retrieval missions on at least NINE crash sites around the world, whistleblowers reveal

Something's starting to hit the fan. I'm just not sure what.

No new year edition would be complete without Famous Deaths 

Denny Laine - Wings

Carla Bley - jazz composer, pianist

Rudolph Isley - The Isley Brothers

Roger Whittaker - singer-songwriter

Gary Wright - singer-songwriter

Jimmy Buffett - singer-songwriter

Bernie Marsden - guitar, Whitesnake, UFO

Robbie Robertson - guitar, The Band

Sinead O'Connor - singer-songwriter

Randy Meisner - Eagles

Tony Bennett

Tina Turner - singer-songwriter

Gordon Lightfoot - singer-songwriter

Tim Bachman - BTO

Robbie Bachman - BTO

Harry Belafonte

Ahmad Jamal - jazz pianist

Keith Reid - Procol Harum

Jim Gordon - Derek and the Dominos

Gary Rossington - Lynyrd Skynyrd - last original member

David Lindley

Wayne Shorter - Weather Report

Burt Bacharach

Ton Verlaine - Television

David Crosby - CSNY

Fred White - EW&F

Dennis Budimir - the Wrecking Crew

Anthony Top Topham - the Yardbirds

Mo Foster - bass, Jeff Beck, session

Russell Batiste Jr - The Funky Meters

Tom Smothers - comedian, guitar

Norman Lear - tv writer

Richard Moll - Bull on Night Court

Suzanne Somers - Chrissie - Three's Company

Paul Reubens - he was Pee Wee Herman

Lisa Loring - the last of the Addams Family - Wednesday

And my hero: Jeff Beck (78, bacterial meningitis)

The only good news was that most didn't commit suicide. 

Airbrush Your Face

Those products that color your skin or get rid of wrinkles are startlingly stupid. The colors are literally airbrushing your face. The wrinkle treatment is some sludge that holds the wrinkles up until it wears off. Oh well, vanity....

Being the low man on the totem pole is starting to get to me. It's not so much being married as having a dog. She follows her mommy around everywhere, her mommy being the Pied Piper of Cockers. If Wife is having a bad day, she might be in bed most of the day. This means the dog will too, appearing only to go outside. She indicates this by staring at me until I take her out. She just sits there... staring at me, with those huge brown eyes. But that's it - she won't come around to sit with me or get her belly rubbed. If I have a bad day, I can go fsck myself. Ah, it's good having a dog.

California is the first state to offer health insurance to illegal aliens. Of course it's California. 

Meanwhile, I have friends who can't afford to pay for normal healthcare, some with health insurance.

I just saw a review. Of mouse pads.

How in the universe does one review mouse pads, and does anybody go looking for mouse pad reviews? Unless, of course, it's a gaming mouse pad. Regular old mouse pads, which are good for regular old computer users, are sometimes free, sometimes really cheap. GAMING mouse pads start at $29.95, because whenever you add GAMING to something, the price triples.

• Why do people wash their dishes before putting them in the dishwasher?

It's not safe or wise to be in the air these days.

An Alaska Air Boeing 737-Max 9 plane experienced a window blowout and had to make an emergency landing. Everybody was ok. Alaska's CEO had a fit after noticing the bolts were loose on other planes and blamed Boeing. One would be safe in assuming that if the fault belonged to Alaska Air, the CEO would be on vacation, in some underground facility, incommunicado.

Speaking of blowouts., an American Air plane turned around on the tarmac due to an excessively farting passenger. Apparently the methane couldn't be converted to jet fuel. When the passenger was removed, the rest of the fliers 'breathed a sigh of relief.'  You can't make this stuff up.

Watching a Britcops show the other day deeply affected me. Some idiot did something stupid in a bar and got kicked out of the bar by the bouncers. The police were called. They did nothing to address whatever the idiot did inside the bar, but were terribly upset he 'used racial language' at the bouncers. I understand Brits have some sort of limited free speech, but it has apparently gone on vacation, never to return. In the US, freedom of speech, as guaranteed, is also in peril. There is no such thing as hate language; all speech is speech. But don't try telling this to the groups who whine about this sort of thing, where hate laws are in effect. Make no mistake - assault is assault and should be punished as such. Speech, however, should all be treated as speech. There should be no difference between calling someone a faggot and calling them a car mechanic. Also make no mistake - I have no tolerance for calling people any 'racial' names, but don't feel it rises to a punishment level.

As part of the many free services ThermionicEmissions provides, there is a debunking service. A common joke is that there is always a flight recorder in plane crashes, because it's made of certain metals, intended to be largely crash-proof. All comics ask, "Well why don't they make the whole plane out of this?" The answer is that it would never get off the ground. It would be too heavy. 

You're welcome.

 

STOP RESISTING!

Those brilliant republicans are at it again. The bible-thumping House Speaker's days might not be long. So he said God sent Joe Biden (and didn't get sent to the Happy Place<tm>). The latest is trying to cut discounted broadband from poor people. Are the republicans' P/R people on vacation this month? I think I'll float the idea of keeping the electricity on for people who can't afford the bills or are sick...

Speaking of President Giveaway, let's not.

There's a lot of hoo-ha over YouTube's 5 second delay before playing videos. At first it was supposed to be caused by ad blockers, but now it's not. Having said that, Firefox has a great ad blocker and YT blocker. If I see commercials on YT or in general, I'm shocked. That's how effective the blockers are.

Physicists Design a Way to Detect Quantum Behavior in Large Objects, Like Us

Oh, that's not good. As soon as they observe you, you're in a box with the cat. 

Vast botnet hijacks smart TVs for prime-time cybercrime

That's right - smart TVs. Buy a dumb one, like mine.

our washing machine could be sending 3.7 GB of data a day — LG washing machine owner disconnected his device from Wi-Fi after noticing excessive outgoing daily data traffic

maybe, maybe not - but not difficult to believe....

Some mysteries remain about why dogs wag their tails

I may be stupid (MAY be?) but it's because they're happy. Ours doesn't stop. Neither does the dog's.

 

'It hasn't delivered': The spectacular failure of self-checkout technology

you mean it's not just me? You  have the same problems, namely stupid people. You just added stupid terminals and saved the store lots of money. The store doesn't have to pay machines. If there's a cashier left, I get in that line.

 Where I live it's 26 degrees out, with the real feeling in the shade of 27 degrees. We're in the midst of either 4-6" (27 grams Canadian) or 2-4" (38 grams Canadian), depending on which forecast you see, what ads are on the page, and how much cold air Canada is sending us. Trudeau is a sneaky bastard with a passive-aggressive personality. The indoor humidity is 34% and dry. What a great concept - indoor humidity! I can get a forecasting job reporting indoor humidity, indoor temperature, and indoor supply of Frosted Flakes, as well as the Sex Likelihood. I'll be set for life (except for Sex Likelihood).

1/4" (99 grams Canadian) of snow shuts the city down completely. There are cities where 4-6" are no problem, but we can't possibly learn from them; it's just PANIC all the time. Friends in Minneapolis and Canada carry shovels, blankets and food in their trunks, in case they get stuck - and that's a general warning. There is no bread or milk to be found, but plenty of salt that cracks concrete and bothers pets. The secret of this snow is that it's coming down over the last snow, which was largely ice. I predict skidding and have forbidden Dog from driving in it. She hates the snow, as do her parents. But I'm the kind of guy who bitches when it's cold and snowing, hence my blog.

The really scary thing about snow, and trash lately, is that the cans are put away, as if by magic, and the sidewalk is shoveled. Considering I used to do this for older neighbors, I can only assume that we have become the older neighbors. This karma is both frightening and slightly appealing to my lazier side (my lazier side runs around my body in a 360 degree arc). 

Bizarre footage shows several UFOs hovering above Philadelphia

at first I was upset that I never saw them, until Wife reminded me one has to occasionally go outside AND look up. I understand now.

Andrew Scott halted Hamlet soliloquy after theatregoer used laptop to email

a laptop?

 You may be surprised that someone would do this, as well as using a laptop (probably a doctor), but there are records of more interruptions during Hamlet...

• in 1976, Hamlet was interrupted by someone using a front end loader
• in 1943, Hamlet was interrupted by bombing
• in 2022, Hamlet was interrupted by 3 girls and their Faceyspaces beeping
• in 2001, Hamlet was interrupted by a computer telling Dave it cannot allow that
• in 2017, Hamlet was interrupted by a hostage situation involving automatic weapons
• in 2019, Hamlet was interrupted by the diversion of a train during construction

Blog Powered by ChatGPT

Betcha didn't know GPT could write this flawlessly. Or this flaw-ful.

Pennsylvanians, your government workers are now powered by ChatGPT

This experiment will fail, miserably and expensively, when they discover they can't train it to be lazy, incompetent, and rude.

 

Wimbledon: Electric double-decker bus catches fire during rush hour

Betcha didn't know Tesla made buses...

 

'A mouse for your mouth': New device allows users to scroll with their tongues

If you see an attractive person, your tongue rolls and deletes the entire page. And who could possibly argue with a transmitter that sits on your tongue. Tongue cancer, anyone? 

 

Plastic is everywhere, including in our food and bottled water

hmmmm..... 2 dogs with cancer. We couldn't possibly be causing our own problems, could we? Cancer, Alzheimer's, whatever else.....

 

US verges on vaccination tipping point, faces thousands of needless deaths: FDA

Isn't that interesting. The FDA complains about what it hath wrought...

 

Julia Roberts says she has made the choice not to do nude scenes

I know nothing about movie-making, but I don't believe Julia has to make declarations like this. She's high enough up the food chain that she either won't be asked, or can just laugh it away. Now we'll have to count on deepfakes....

President Giveaway struck again, with $632 million for electric vehicle charging. When asked for comment, Biden said, "My only regret is that I cannot give them more."

Dear taxpayers: you should feel good, deep in your heart, that you have done your American duty to help the auto manufacturers, banks, electric vehicle manufacturers, cable companies, chip companies, Big Pharma, IRS, and most everybody else who asked for it. Except you. If the government took less of our money, we wouldn't have to bail ourselves out...

It's great to no longer be sick. Nothing is blurry and nothing floats around when I look at it. Aside from a tendency to trip (fairly normal), I feel good. No fever, no seeing things, no strange desire to watch sports.

Speaking of sports, we got our invite to a Superbowl party. Now I have to figure out when that is. This year I thought of bringing a tablet and watching tv or reading. Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way; many also don't watch the game. Football's the one with the horses, right? Last year I suggested Dancing Girls, but the host's wife has no sense of humor. I bet if I suggested Dancing Guys, she'd be all for it. I know his neighbors better than I know mine. And no kids.

Speaking of no kids, that's why our 'hood works out so well. I'm not sure if there are any children under 13. No noise, except the constant racket of construction when I have a conference. Anyway... our newest nextdoor neighbor has gone on the 9 Month Rapid Weight Gain diet. Yes, she got knocked up. One day she was moving in, the next she was the size of her Toyota. And even I know it's not polite to ask the large woman if she's expecting. Or if she's just FAT. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this means an infant. Infants make noise. That will spoil the entire fung shwing of the neighborhood. Unless they have one of those joyful quiet infants that turn into joyful quiet children. Since there are no others, they'll have to leave the hood to find more bouncing bundles of joy [NOTE: they do NOT bounce. Don't ask]. 

Of course we'll have to provide a present. This is pretty far our of my wheelhouse; fortunately Wife likes children. I suggested one of those things you put in their mouth to keep them quiet, but with some glue so it won't come out. A Johnny Automatic Weapon kit for when the little bugger gets older. Bag-O-Blades, a Harley, the Pill for his mommy (and daddy), and maybe a needlepoint that says, "Welcome to the end of sleep as you know it. For 18 years." Ain't it a good thing I don't have kids? There are several groups of concerned citizens which are actively interested in me not reproducing. My contraception was always free (and encouraged). I'd be out on a date, things were getting hot and heavy, then some complete stranger would pop up and hand me a condom. It was the strangest thing....

Speaking of sick, I got into bed the other night and immediately smelled something FOUL. It smelled like one of the other bed occupants (Wife, dog) threw up. But they're both pretty good about cleaning it up (oof). I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I moved the covers and boom - a piece of Wife's XXX Provolone fell on me. Well, that explains the smell....  both Wife and dog eat it. I always seem to be downwind from it.

Nobody saw it coming: George Carlin has been brought back to life by AI. The new special is called I'm Glad I'm Dead. Nobody was more surprised than George, except possibly his daughter, Kelly, who is shocked and outraged. One of the people responsible, Will Sasso, says it's an impersonation of his voice and material. I think Will's funny, but this is not. Kelly suggests that if anybody wants to see George, there are many existing specials all over the place. I tend to agree.

George was an American treasure, who worked diligently on his art, from when tv was black and white. He was hysterical. Back when records were popular (the first time), we'd gather and listen to his records. To this day we quote him.

I'm a Sick Fsck

That's what she said.

And she meant it in a most literary sense.

To say my sleep has been highly interrupted for the last 3 days would be like saying Rob Reiner doesn't like Donald Trump.

I have a fever. I have what Wife calls 'The Hot-Colds," which is pretty much what it sounds like; one minute I'm sweating, the next I'm freezing. It's not to say this is serious, but even my arm hair hurts. My head feels like it's currently in one of Uncle Fester's Rotator C-Clamps but I can't see the clamps. I have been trying to sleep with 4 blankets, but it's too cold for that. The dog has been helping by walking on my chest and pooping on the floor.

Last night I couldn't stay awake after 9:30 so I went to bed. I have never gone to bed at 9:30, so just out of spite, I woke up 5 hours later, as if the alarm had gone off, with no interest or ability to sleep anymore. My body laughed quietly. My body is revolting, which she also said.

Wife sometimes gets jealous when I'm sick, so she's sick too. She only requires 1 blanket.

They (they who?) tell me to emphasize the positive, so I'll tell you that ibuprofen is a minor miracle. If I remember to take it, I only feel horrible! This is a great improvement for me.

Work said to feel better, but I had to be online today for a presentation. I told everyone I was sick, they should move back from their monitors so they wouldn't get it.

Because of where I work, the presentation was on software that's nowhere near functional and that most of us haven't used or can't even log into. But boy did we baffle them with BS. Most importantly, the slides were colorful. If you get the right blink rate, you can keep them hypnotized until you're done. It helps cut down on questions.

I have to go now. Typing is making way too much noise.

Superconductive Hysteresis Loops in Crunchberries

Yeah, let's talk about superconductive hysteresis loops.

You start - I have no idea what they are.

Friends are vacationing in Asia. They're eating lots of insects, apparently on purpose. These folks have to have certain toppings on pizza or they won't eat it. Certain brands of jelly for their PB&J sandwiches. So in addition to hearing crickets, they're eating them. Maybe being in Asia does something to their minds (or stomachs). I performed some scholarly research on this. 

• Formicophilia is liking being crawled on by insects, although I'm looking for crawling down the GI tract.
• Cnidophilia: fondness of stings
• Entomophobic: fear of eating insects
• Ok, I found it.. anthropo-entomophagy. It would probably be entomophilia if it produced a sexual thrill.
• My favorite: coitophilia: fondness of coitus. Isn't that called Normal? Even for married guys?

Two companies are selling Moon burials for your ashes. Nothing thus far on live burials.

Naturally there are complaints, sure as there is air (or isn't, in the case of the Moon). This time it's the Navajo, who hold the Moon as sacred, so any burial desecrates the Moon, even non-Navajo. The companies will continue, giving the Single Finger Salute to the Navajo. Tough call. I'd have to go with the burial companies... we screw up and pollute everything we touch; the Moon is the obvious extension.

This is why the aliens are pissed at us.

Speaking of aliens, it turns out the mystery has been solved! 25 years ago, the aliens landed, learned the language, and have been living among humans. We are unaware of this because they're in Scotland, where nobody can understand either of them.

Experimental antibiotic kills deadly superbug, opens whole new class of drugs

Pfizer doing the Happy Dance<tm> 

 I don't like touchscreen typing, even after all these years. This was brought home after finding some of my old phones with real honest-to-goodness tactile keyboards. I long for the mechanical feedback of my old Crackberry and Treos. Somebody came out with a very interesting case for iPhones that has a keyboard at the bottom. But that's for iPhones. ThermionicEmissions is strictly an android shop. I still start to burn and smoke when I walk by an Apple store. The smell is horrendous.

Speaking of nostalgia, the endless stream of it is amusing and confusing. You can now spend tens of thousands of dollars on ancient video games and players. A couple of automobiles are patterned after muscle cars, although they fail. I want a car just like a 1980 Cadillac, a 1990 Town Car, and a 1975 Station wagon, complete with Real Imitation Woodgrain paneling on the sides. People who used to drive them and people who saw them call them Land Yachts, and they were the most comfortable cars to drive and passenge. We do not have a comfortable car anymore. I do not want a BMW or Mercedes - they may handle well, but they ride like crap.

It worse in the UK, where everybody drives these tiny little death traps, which make my Hyundai like like a full size limousine. What's worse, many of their transmissions expect the driver to shift their gears. I dunno about you, but I am secure enough in my manhood that I don't need to shift gears all the time; I prefer to let the expert (the transmission) shift the gears for me. Yes, I have driven manual transmissions, but I think they should be made illegal, except on some trucks. If you keep the manual transmission on tractors, you add a whole new dimension to Drunk Tractor Driving, the state sport of Kentucky.

The IRS is testing an online tax submission program in 0 states. The main opposition comes from... wait for it.... Intuit (maker of TurboTax). I think credit should be given where it's due - to the IRS. They barely have time to wallow around in the $80 billion gift from President Giveaway.  The IRS should be shut down; this alone should get people to vote libertarian.

I'm minding my own business in my office, when the dog walks by with something large and brownish. It's always a good thing to catch up with her to see what she has this time. This time it was a piece of rye toast, with butter. Rye toast. What use could a dog possibly have for rye toast? When she manages to snatch a burger, she leaves the bread; she's not into carbohydrates. Yet she's carrying around rye toast. 

It makes one curious about how things went in ancient times, when dogs were wolves. They were carnivores. Know why? Because when the male wolves went out and hunted, the female wolves could not bake bread and after that, could not toast it.  Dogs would never have evolved if wolves had to argue about what to put on they rye toast: butter, margarine, real imitation butter-like substance, jelly, jam, preserves, peanut butter, or leg of yak. 

After all this careful thought I put into the matter, she took 2 bites and left it on the floor. This must be what it's like to have kids.... constantly running around, picking up their partially used food and toys. I maintain my dog is cuter than a kid and causes less damage.

I'm, Like, Crushing it All Day Long

You probably heard that idiotic phrase on a CBD commercial, or from your slow teenage daughter.

Watching the commercial is the closest I've come to CBD, not to mention the closest I want to come.

If one believes the commercial, CBD slows you down, perks you up, sharpens you, dulls you, takes away pain, and gives you the energy to go out and get some more pain.

That's a lot of results (most of them contrary). The more thoughtful of you, with more than 2 live brain cells, as opposed to the commercial's target audience, wonder how the drug can sharpen AND dull you. There is no answer, unless you just take the commercial on faith. Ask Jim and Tammy Bakker about faith.

I'm sure there are no side effects, or maybe they forgot to mention them. Can you imagine what they'd be?

Don't take CBD if you're allergic to CBD. Side effects can include flipping off police, going to jail, waking up in strange dryers, saying "Wow, man" a lot, spitting out your pancreas, and constantly losing the CBD container. Don't take CBD if work tests your urine or if you just like to play with urine. WARNING: if you spill CBD on your clothes, do not eat them or try to shove them up your nose. Come to think of it, try shoving your clothes up your nose - you looking stupid really amuses us.

Words Mean Nothing

One of the things about the English language is that it drives everyone else crazy. Just try learning English. Go ahead - try. In fact, it would benefit you to learn English, especially if you were born here.

Police Division

• Calm down (sometimes used with Relax): these words mean less than nothing, especially if spoken to an agitated person (or any woman)
• Stop resisting: these words are spoken by police. They mean "You're going to get a beating," or "Stop moving around while you're getting your beating."
• I promise: this actually means "I swear." "Officer, I promise you I didn't shoot those puppies."

Retail Division

• 20% off
• on sale
• Black Friday
• gets out all stains
• tastes better than the other laundry pods

Meet ‘Link History,’ Facebook’s New Way to Track the Websites You Visit

Not having a Faceyspaces account is killing me. You are automatically opted-IN, you have to opt-OUT. Better yet, opt-OUT of Faceyspaces.

How watching beavers from space can help drought-ridden areas bounce back

BEAVERS FROM SPACE!

 

Fetuses make a protein that causes morning sickness in pregnancy

Your fetus wants to kill you. Do the right thing and stop making them.

FDA would like to stop finding Viagra in supplements sold on Amazon

For sake of clarity and accuracy, this is only if you go to Amazon and order "Big Guys Male Energy Supplement."  So don't do that, ok?

 

Google agrees to settle Chrome incognito mode class action lawsuit

What does this mean? It means evil lying Google tracked you while you were in incognito mode. Use Firefox or the open source Chromium.

Big Pharma to raise US list prices of 500 drugs in January: Report

The hikes come as drug makers face new federal rules to try to drag down prices.

So. Much. Material. Here.

 

Does Duct Tape work in Space?

We just passed New Years day. For the somewhat impaired, this means we passed New Years eve.

We were invited to the normal place for NYE. Have you ever had to go somewhere and while getting ready, realized you'd be much happier not going? Maybe boiling your hands in some water or shaving your own ass? That didn't happen to us. Instead, we just sat there and stared, realizing that to go to the party, we'd actually have to get off the couch and move. This is easier said than done. We knew we'd have a good time, but staying seated seemed like a lovely idea.

Mrs. lefty, not a girly girl, said she'd be ready shortly. Apparently Mrs. lefty had transitioned into a girly girl,  because shortly turned out to be 45 minutes. I kept wanting to point out that we were already 2 hours late, but I like my reproductive bits.

Finally on the road, we began our game of pissing off every other driver on the highway, by only doing 20mph over the speed limit. There was honking, there were fingers raised in salute, there was laughing. We noticed that there was little traffic, both ways. Like everything else, people were probably celebrating online, maybe over at Amazon. Or we hadn't driven close to any bars.

At the party, the poor host probably got tired of people asking, "What's THAT?" after I walked away. The food was smashing: we bought Death by Chocolate cake, and most of the rest of people bought cannolis. What are the odds that most of the guests would bring the same thing, no less the same thing being cannolis. When does 'cannoli' pop into your head? Was there a sale on cannolis at every store? I'm not complaining - I like cannolis. It's one of the few cheeses I eat, probably due to sugar content. Everything I eat is due to sugar content, especially drinks. I drink like a girl when I drink. Get me a frozen strawberry margarita and I'm happy as a Biden after a nappy.

While we contemplated cannolis and the imminent fall of the ball, I asked Wife about the traditional Midnight Kiss. She said yes. I asked where. She said lips. I asked which. She said northern. So it was going to be that kind of new year. And, true to form, the lefty Show was off on its New Year's day. My first 3 transactions failed: I couldn't get a receipt for gas, couldn't get an advertised milkshake at a convenience store, then couldn't replace it with the candy bar I wanted. Seems like I was starting things off right.

Happy New Year, dear folks.

Resolutions are a sticky subject, as no one in the history of the world has ever kept one, especially the ones with 'weight' in the title. I don't even bother making them, because I'm just setting myself up for failure and I do enough of that already. OK, the truth is that I won't remember making them on January 2. I might not even remember them next December. So why bother? But since this is my blog, it is incumbent on me to come up with a few, off the top of my balding pate...

• grow my hair back, everywhere except the ears
• continue to not see the dentist, with no ill effects, in spite of their pleading text messages and calls
• keep everybody well, including the 4 legged one
• spur world peace
• get work to stop with the constant meetings
• get companies to stop with the constant billing me
• grow a few inches (vertically, at first)
• stop the use of 'super' (that was super cool)
• replace Jeff Beck as World Guitar God

I don't find a single one of them ridiculous or unattainable, provided I can remember I made them.

2024 will, by virtue of being a new year, have to be better than 2023. Yes, I'll have to spend a few months getting used to writing 2024. 2023 was just shit. Losing Jeff Beck is still a shock to me. He's been my idol since the 80s... we were deprived of further joy by bacterial meningitis. His musical legend will never die.

Oh yeah, my mom died also (cue wise remarks about my priorities). I am deprived of further joy by Alzheimer's.

I spent the great majority of my life trying to be independent, starting as a child. The other day I watched a child go to his mother for comfort.  I'd love to have that chance again. Bring independent, I'd never take it, but knowing it was available would be comforting.

As forced vacations go, this was the least horrific of them. In fact, I have to go back to work, like the rest of you. Yes, I could take more vacation days, but I'm told it doesn't look good taking January off. So I sat there, watching each hour go by, thinking of what I failed to accomplish on said vacation, and thinking of the joys awaiting me upon returning to work.

• BATMAN - Men in Tights

Reindeer can sleep while they chew

So can Congress, if you can catch them in office.

 

Put the Kids in the Toaster - Americans Idle is on!

So yeah, I'm almost barely continuing to try to enjoy my forced vacation. For you down south, I'm fixin ta enjoy mah vacation. One part of any vacation I'm totally behind is sleep. In fact, it could be said that I'm behind sleep all the time, especially when awake. Naturally that was not to be this morning, when I was exposed to the first performance of Concerto for Trash Can and Concrete.... 

As anyone who has read this blog knows, I'm not exactly a fan of classical music. It's not that I actively don't like it... moreso that I don't hear it often, then don't like what I hear. Now that I have experienced more of it, I can appreciate the highs and lows, the subtle differences, and the different movements. For instance, at 8:00 this morning, I heard the subtle prelude to Concerto, which was a rake moving slowly across concrete. Repeatedly. Toward the end of this prelude, the rake was joined by wheeled and hurled metal cans. These were not the 3' tall trash cans, no sir; that's for the radio version. These were taller than the average neighbor, who had to move them to the curb, slowly and noisily, with the added thrill of falling down on top and bottom of them. 

I am thankful that I slept horribly, lest I would have missed this symphony of life. I might have slept through a defining piece of my own musical growth. Why was I half awake, you ask? "Wife," I answer. Wife had to rise at 6:30 for reasons even she didn't understand. This causes a chain collision, with her getting herself up every hour so she doesn't miss the alarm. In bed. Out of bed. In bed with potato chips. Out of bed. By the time the alarm goes off, she is way too tired from being up every hour and sleeps right through it. Added to this is the idea (incorrect, mind you) that because I sleep through the dog sitting on my chest, I obviously can't hear anything that goes on either. I have been awakened by her putting together furniture and metal racks for her clothes. The other morning it was cursing because the dog unplugged the air conditioner. Although it hurt, I failed to ask why this was a problem at 4am, in the middle of winter. I finally fell back to sleep, to the gentle sounds of the circular saw; she was building a nice frame for the bed.

As we rocketed into the First Movement, we were treated to the sounds of the Automatic Can Picker Upper Truck. It has that arm that grabs the can, dumps it into the truck, then goes to the next house. The unions had a fit because the truck took the place of 5 workers, so the trucks were outfitted to make the sounds of grunting, talking, and kicking the cans down the street.

Next came the al Dente section. This is when it gets really quiet and you pray that the piece is over or that you experience a quick, painless death. But no, you will never be given peace, and at this point, the neighbors start talking to each other. About nothing. In 12 groups of 3. They wind up louder than the voices in your head, which are all screaming NOOOOOOO by now. It's even worse than the 1-800-MONEY commercials. You start checking for a pulse and wonder if 911 has gotten a lot of calls about heart attacks or people gouging out their own eardrums. These are the kind of haters who can't enjoy classical music and should be avoided at all costs. 

Not at all mindful of your prayers, the piece goes back to the cans banging, all with the rakes on concrete underpinnings. I am told to think of the rakes as a drum beat. Or a full drum set so large, the drummer cannot escape from it - it has to be build around him, like Justin Trudeau's dresses. FINALLY the song fades out to the sounds of neighbors burying other neighbors under the concrete that is being raked to put up a pear tree for the partridge to nest in. The African Partridge, of course... the American Partridge is sitting in front of the tv, watching The Masked Furry.

I can honestly say this Xmas has been the most recent Xmas ever. I truly mean that.

Who in the entire state has an 8' Eeyore with a Santa hat in the front yard, with a spotlight? Just us.

For those of you playing along at home, this is the closest we've come to Xmas decorating in about... oh... 15 years. So this is definite progress, or so the doctors tell me. The other real Xmas decorations have migrated from their usual hiding place (how the hell do I know - that's why it's a hiding place) to the general room in which the tree is located. Yes, we have the only black Xmas tree on the block. It also works well for Halloween, provided we get the neighbors' shrunken heads up before the candy goes out. The neighbors are not sure what to do with us, but I get the feeling this started long before Xmas.  I'm not sure of the protocol here... do Xmas decorations in the vicinity of the tree stay there til the middle of January or do they go back to their hiding places, until (very) late December?

What did I get for Xmas?

As Charlie Brown said, "I got a rock."

To be fair, I asked for nothing; all friends and family complied.

Wife, however, was not so lucky. A large, heavy box arrived. In it was another large heavy box, that said SHARK on it. Dear readers, I'm positive we're all thinking that sharks don't come in large heavy boxes, except in practical jokes. And the joke was on us.... it was a vacuum.

Our history of vacuums is not a pretty one, just like the guy who operates them. With 2 longhairs (and pets), the job is not taken lightly. We've had well over 12 vacuums, plus a shampooer that is still in a facility somewhere, laughing inappropriately and taking its meds on time.  You see, all that hair just screws up the vacuum, to the point we become Vacuum Experts from taking it apart, especially when there's a clog. If vacuums aren't supposed to clog, put a sticker on them: WARNING - this vacuum will not function long when used to pick up stuff and things. Return it to the place of purchase and pay for a more expensive one. The most effective and long lasting vacuum is a cheap little red plastic thing (because the green plastic ones don't work as well). It actually ran for 3 years, before it ejected what was left of its filter and left for that great vacuum graveyard in the sky. So now we have a Shark. It's purple., which is good. It's got that blender clear plastic thing so you can watch the dirt swirl. Funny story: the model without the plastic blender on it sells less than the higher-priced model you can watch the dirt with, but there's no difference between the two.

So Kanye has apologized to all the Jews the world over for his constant antisemitic rants. He admitted he was mistaken and did not want to cause any problems because of his 20 years of squawking. Kanye said he now has nothing against the Jews, even though they own the record companies and the banks. He realized the problem today is not the Jews, it's the n*ggers.