I'm, Like, Crushing it All Day Long

You probably heard that idiotic phrase on a CBD commercial, or from your slow teenage daughter.

Watching the commercial is the closest I've come to CBD, not to mention the closest I want to come.

If one believes the commercial, CBD slows you down, perks you up, sharpens you, dulls you, takes away pain, and gives you the energy to go out and get some more pain.

That's a lot of results (most of them contrary). The more thoughtful of you, with more than 2 live brain cells, as opposed to the commercial's target audience, wonder how the drug can sharpen AND dull you. There is no answer, unless you just take the commercial on faith. Ask Jim and Tammy Bakker about faith.

I'm sure there are no side effects, or maybe they forgot to mention them. Can you imagine what they'd be?

Don't take CBD if you're allergic to CBD. Side effects can include flipping off police, going to jail, waking up in strange dryers, saying "Wow, man" a lot, spitting out your pancreas, and constantly losing the CBD container. Don't take CBD if work tests your urine or if you just like to play with urine. WARNING: if you spill CBD on your clothes, do not eat them or try to shove them up your nose. Come to think of it, try shoving your clothes up your nose - you looking stupid really amuses us.

Words Mean Nothing

One of the things about the English language is that it drives everyone else crazy. Just try learning English. Go ahead - try. In fact, it would benefit you to learn English, especially if you were born here.

Police Division

• Calm down (sometimes used with Relax): these words mean less than nothing, especially if spoken to an agitated person (or any woman)
• Stop resisting: these words are spoken by police. They mean "You're going to get a beating," or "Stop moving around while you're getting your beating."
• I promise: this actually means "I swear." "Officer, I promise you I didn't shoot those puppies."

Retail Division

• 20% off
• on sale
• Black Friday
• gets out all stains
• tastes better than the other laundry pods

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How watching beavers from space can help drought-ridden areas bounce back

BEAVERS FROM SPACE!

 

Fetuses make a protein that causes morning sickness in pregnancy

Your fetus wants to kill you. Do the right thing and stop making them.

FDA would like to stop finding Viagra in supplements sold on Amazon

For sake of clarity and accuracy, this is only if you go to Amazon and order "Big Guys Male Energy Supplement."  So don't do that, ok?

 

Google agrees to settle Chrome incognito mode class action lawsuit

What does this mean? It means evil lying Google tracked you while you were in incognito mode. Use Firefox or the open source Chromium.

Big Pharma to raise US list prices of 500 drugs in January: Report

The hikes come as drug makers face new federal rules to try to drag down prices.

So. Much. Material. Here.