If you live in the US, the greater part of the country cannot deny that we had a Weather Event, specifically snow. Rather a lot of snow. In fact, there were some areas on the east coast that got about three feet. Due to the Snow Event, my very kind boss gave me permission to work from home for a few days. He is usually nice to me, probably because he's afraid of me, so it's good to have me out of the office - like a mini-vacation for him.
Working at home is not like working in the office (really?). I can't turn around and talk to 'the guys', making sexist and gross comments. At home it's only gross comments, unless I'm feeling particularly playful. I don't have the Lunch Club at noon, although I do have a dog and cat, vying for position next to me. The Lunch Club usually features one guy who tells horrible stories and shows pictures of his dates. My wife wouldn't do that. Unless I haven't seen the pictures. On the other hand, I've been largely unsuccessful in getting my wife to send me dirty pictures. Of herself, of course, although dirty pictures, like chocolate, are great regardless.
Since it's just the two of us and the quadrupeds, it's theoretically pretty quiet. And actually, it IS pretty quiet, at least until I try to work.
The moment I have a conference, the dog knows and starts whining to go outside. My wife knows too, because she's napping and can't take the dog out. As the conference proceeds, the dog barks to come in, another task my wife cannot complete. Before the conference ends, however, the wife pops up and LOUDLY SAYS GOOD MORNING. That happened twice before I located the Mute button.
My wife does not like to make big entrances, unless of course, she's entering. Since she can't keep a thought in her pointy little head for long, she needs to blurt it out before she forgets it. This proves embarrassing when I'm on a national conference: "Honey, the cat's vomiting so I'm taking him to the vet. I got a stool sample."
Speaking of snow, the walks and drives were largely free of snow by the next day. Now that we're a few days out, the Crazy Lady next door felt it necessary to fetch her loudest shovel, probably to get out there and make sure the snow and sidewalk were all at right angles to each other. Scrape... scrape... drag...SCRAPE. Repeat.
I had to teach something to a coworker, which required speakerphones. It was at this precise moment that my wife had the blessed urge to sweep the kitchen. This produced a sound similar to a hammer inside of a tin bucket. And she was trying to do it quietly. When she saw my head explode, she sat next to me, quietly. No, really... .quietly. And we both jumped when the tall jar of soy sauce committed suicide by leaping off the fridge, breaking into a million pieces and turning the floor brown. It was for both reasons I had to hold the dog back. There's little he doesn't like.
Since I was on the phone anyway, I was talking about queries and one of my wife's internal kids interrupted to tell me that was a bad word. She thinks if she says 'excuse me,' she's free to barge into whatever you're doing.
When things inadvertently quieted down, the mailman showed up. This makes Marshall NUTS. He's pretty good with everybody, including the mailman, outside the house. But as soon as he hears the mailbox open, he's all bark and teeth. When I tell him to SHUT UP three or forty times, he runs up the steps, half barking and half whining, where he sits, half barking and half whining.
When he's not vomiting or urinating on furniture, the cat must be touching me while sitting next to me. He can't simply sit against my leg.. he must have his head or at least one paw touching the top of my leg. If I move him, he'll return. If I move him three times, he'll lay down and sneak back, an inch at a time. This does not work well with a laptop. Marshall has discovered that he cannot sit on my lap effectively when I have a laptop, so he gets between me and the laptop. Sometimes they collaborate, which really frightens me because if I get up, they'll be emailing Bambi at all_busty_whores.com - this wouldn't be too big a problem if I could only afford their rates. Oh yeah, and get wifely approval.
Much to the glee of the entire neighborhood, we haven't heard from the Loud Family in years. I suspect they moved out by stealth; only the cars are parked there. It was, of course, too good to be true. One of the Louds has taken up power tools. It doesn't seem to matter WHICH power tool it is, he's out there running it. At nine in the morning on Saturday. Four on Tuesday. And most of Friday. He's clever too - if you're on the phone, you say hello, then the machine starts. You wait and ask how are you doing, and he starts again. He waits precisely two syllables before he cranks it up again. There have been no new additions to the house and no 20' metal Godzilla structures on the front lawn so we have no idea what he's doing. I suspect he just likes the vibration and the noise, which makes him a Loud.
In spite of how generous my boss has been, I miss the serenity of work. I need to go somewhere quiet, like Syria.
Nancy Drew is coming back to television. This is because there are absolutely no new ideas in Hollywood. CBS pledges she won't be white. Oh wait, there's their original idea! Furthermore, Speed Racer will be Chinese, Dudley Do-Right (famous Canadian mountie) will be South African, and Charlie Brown will come from New Jersey.
Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith will be boycotting the Oscars due to black actors being shut out of the nominations. No word yet on boycotting the NBA due to lack of diversity.
A university professor will not have kids because they'll be white and have white privilege. Do colleges and universities get drugs we cannot?
Here are the 25 worst passwords of 2015 - of course no ThermionicEmissions readers use them, but we do our best to educate others:
123456
password
12345678
qwerty
12345
123456789
football
1234
1234567
baseball
welcome
1234567890
abc123
111111
1qaz2wsx
dragon
master
monkey
letmein
login
princess
qwertyuiop
solo
passw0rd
starwars
Don't forget to head over to change.org and sign the petition to knight Ozzy Osbourne. Sir Ozzy. Has a nice ring to it.
Friendly warning to early grade school students: Please learn to spell correctly, especially if you're Muslim and spell "terraced house" as "terrorist house". The UK police have absolutely no sense of humor.
Congrats to us.. we just paid off the car! I got the title two weeks ago. Yesterday the driver's side door handle fell off. Fortunately that's just a coincidence.
A new prison inmate has no idea how drugs got into her vagina. This may well be Patient Zero of the Vagina Drug Stasher epidemic! Call the CDC. Call her primary doctor and see why she has no nerve endings in her vagina and how someone could have got up there without her noticing.
A Norweigan man in his underwear stopped a thief from stealing his car by clinging to the roof in a hair-raising ride at -17C (that's 2.357 degrees Farenheit). Norweigan authorities considering distributing undies to citizens, just in case.
A tiger at Steve Irwin's Australian zoo has attacked one of its keepers. Tigers, alligators, and many other wild animals, with huge, pointy teeth, biting their keepers. Who could have seen this coming?
Killer Healine: Buddhist monk goes on 162 car tire-slashing rampage after he accidently steps on an insect.
Let this serve as notice that I will be boycotting the Rock+Roll Hall of Fame ceremony this year, as they have no lefty guitarists up for induction. Will Smith and I will be partying privately that night.
or - Institutionally reinforced stupidity, incompetence, and massive fail
Once again, forecasters have called for snow in Philly.
And once again, the denizens of the area do not disappoint.
It's been a few days since we got word there will be a major storm up the east coast at the end of the week. The Forecasting Folks are saying that since all the methods of forecasting show snow, it's a certainty. Forecasts go up to two feet in places.
So the wife calls me at work, asking if I could pick up a few things for dinner. You know what's coming, right?
I figured that since I work early, I could get to the store before the dinner rush started.
The joke, as we know by now, was on me.
I should have known by the extreme lack of parking spots, forcing me to leave the car in the next shopping center. By the time I made it to Giant, there were four carts left. Uh-oh.
You see, Philly goes into a MAD PANIC when they hear the word snow. If a quarter of an inch of snow were forecast, schools would close (in fact, schools did close once on the mention of snow - that didn't occur). Food staples would be wrenched from shelves. Snowblowers would go out of stock. Salt would be impossible to find. Girl Scout cookies, if you could find them, would actually cost MORE, if you can imagine it. Parents pull their pets off the streets and throw their kids out. Dash off to the station to get snow tires or chains put on. Making arrangements to watch the kids when school closes. Buying new gloves, because you can't find the ones you used last time. And recalling the words of your parents when you were young - "Don't forget to wear your rubbers."
There are cities that get REAL snow. You know, a foot at a time, then a foot the next day. The streets get cleaned and people go to work, no big deal. In Philly, no matter how much notice is provided, the cleanup crew never seems to have had enough notice. It's always a surprise. Then there's not enough salt. Then not enough staff. And in Philly proper, no streets get cleared anyway. Trash isn't collected for two weeks, which is actually an improvement. No able-bodied children exist to shovel, even though they could make a killing (they're inside, watching the Kardashians and taking selfies).
Entering the store, I looked over in horror to discover that every checkout lane had at least six carts in a line. This is in contrast to weekends, when there are only three lanes open (because it's a surprise that people shop on weekends).
The bread section runs half the length of the store. Huge blocks were emptied of their contents. Oddly enough, the aisles were full of food and empty of shoppers. All the people and carts were waiting in line. And by the time I got to the line, with six items, there was barely room for people to get in lines.
I got in the express lane, which is usually expressly closed. Of course the sociopath two carts up had a cart FULL of goodies, because rules and signs do not apply to her. I think they should have shaved her head and thrown her out of the store but apparently the manager does not feel this way. She probably drives a BMW and cuts us off at every light.
Speaking of Giant, the name should ideally not reflect the size of the cashiers. Or the one with the dead animal on his head, who was completely bald last week.
They (whoever They are) tell me to accentuate the positive, so here I go: last year, when I approached the automatic door, it wouldn't open. This year, it does.
What a difference two syllables makes: ISIS received quite a bump in recruitment after a story about a militant who executed his own mother. They thought it said mother-in-law.
Deaf rappers are taking on the music industry. As opposed to tone deaf?
By the time you read this, Internet Explorer 11 will be the only IE supported by Microsoft. As we all know, Internet Exploder should never be used anyway, but it you must, make sure you're running IE 11. I feel dirty.
A man who ordered a Kindle received a patient's tumor sample. It's a very understandable mixup but this blog wanted to warn you. Don't order Kindles.
A mountain lion killed in Idaho had a fully formed set of teeth on its forehead. ISIS suspected.
Volkswagen's CEO says, "We are not crooks," by which he means "We are crooks."
SELFIE BRIGADE
Police in India's Mumbai city identify 15 places where taking selfies
"can be dangerous", a week after an 18-year-old drowned while taking a
selfie. Never mind drunk driving or chainsaws - pretty soon selfies will be the major cause of death in the world.
Continuing the theme, a Lima, Ohio man was not happy with the mug shot police took of him. Though he is still at large, he sent them a selfie to use instead.
Crocs has posted a tribute to David Bowie. In case you don't remember, I'm vice president of The Committee to Eradicate Crocs in Our Lifetime. We haven't had much success lately, especially with my own wife.
Somewhere on the net is video of a man stealing a python by putting it down his pants. Who would have thought this could go spectacularly wrong?
"Koro" or "Penis Panic" is a type of mass hysteria in which men believe their penises are vanishing. Gives new meaning to Don't Panic!
LEGO has been found to be complicit in ISIS torture: captives forced to walk on them. Four of out Five captives prefer beheading.
Seen on Twitter: Hillary should watch the State of the Union address from a federal prison cell.
Happy birthday to Monty Python's Carol Cleveland (73 or 74, depending on source).
This issue would not be complete without some verified porn facts:
Over 35% of all Internet downloads are pornographic.
Scholars at the University of Montreal were unable to study men who do not watch porn because they could not find any.
Mia Khalifa responded to anonymous threats from fanatic muslims threatening to cut her head off with “long as it’s not my tits. They were expensive.”
Have a seat... I want to say something nice about the president. I just read that during Beau Biden's brain cancer trauma, the VP lamented that they'd have to sell things to cover medical bills. Obama offered money, for which he receives high praise from me. It was then I realzied that the Bidens had Obamacare.
What was it like in the wild west days of the internet, when there were anonymous sites, where groupies could rate the size and prowess of the rock stars they bedded....
TAX SEASON is coming up. Watch out for fake IRS phishing emails. Also fake Ebay emails. Go to the website instead.
Another one bites the dust. Glenn Frey, 67, of the Eagles, died from complications of intestinal difficulties and several other things. Joe Walsh had better lock himself away for safe keeping. With that in mind, I give the Eagles Farewell Tour.
This is weird.
Two deaths of prominent rockers in a week.
Lemmy Kilmister and David Bowie - both of cancer.
Remember the good old days, when real rockers died of overdoses?
It's not that I miss them, but.... cancer? It's a shame we can't declare war on cancer.
Not profitable.
Cancer aside, we (whoever we are) are roughly the first generation of rock and roll. As such, our heroes (sorry) are getting old (as are our friends, but that's another matter entirely). We will theoretically outlive them.
Some color their hair. Some gracefully go gray. But they're in their seventies now. That's not old these days, but still...
I guess the magnitude of their personalities and achievements are what really got to me. To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of either but I appreciate their contributions. After all, David Jones (changed his name to Bowie because of Davy Jones in the Monkees, who recently died of a heart attack) brought us Stevie Ray Vaughan. Plucked him from obscurity. You can hear that solid blues wailing on Let's Dance. To me it was a weird fit but Bowie had an eye for talent.
Lemmy is a bit of a hero to me, not so much for his music, but for his attitude. From a very young age, he knew what he wanted to do and he did it, damn the consequences. I'm not going to say snorting speed and drinking Jack+Cokes like water at seventy is the most healthy way to do things, but it was his way, absolutely to the end.
Lemmy hung out at L.A.'s Rainbow Room, with an actual stool of his own. He played some sort of video game obsessively. He wasn't feeling too well and had lots of checkups, with no results. The last tour was apparently played by sheer effort of will, as he wasn't well at all offstage. Finally he went for more tests, at which point an aggressive head and neck cancer was diagnosed, with an expected time of two to six months to live. The owner of the Rainbow Room brought the video game to Lemmy's apartment. Two days later, while visiting, Lemmy expired quietly, sitting right there at the machine.
Lemmy got a great sendoff. His son, girlfriend, Slash, Metallica, and Dave Grohl spoke, among others. I had no idea what a warm, giving, intelligent soul he was. He did not, however, suffer fools gladly.
He did it his way. Much respect.
The tributes are pouring in for Bowie. He was really something. Music aside, he had a great sense of humor, per his bandmates and Eric Idle, of Monty Python.
So here's the tough one: What is our legacy? How do we wish to be sent off? How do we wish to be remembered? Did we do it our way? Were we reasonably happy? Did we do stuff for others? Did we generally do good?
And for the atheists, I guess it doesn't fucking matter.
Sri Lanka's government said that organizers of the Enrique Iglesias concert should be "whipped with toxic stingray tails" as punishment for the "uncivilized behavior" of female fans. Yes, yes, send the uncivilized women here!
More proof that 2016 is here: spray-on condoms and remote control bras. Bond - James Bond.
Our good friends at Microsoft have enabled disk encryption by default. This is a very good thing. However, if you run Win10 and have logged in via your MS account, MS has a copy of your recovery key. That's right, MS has access to your system, via hacker, bad employee, or law enforcement. The linked article will show you how to delete the key stored at MS.
In news that nobody could have seen coming, emergency room visits caused by distracted walking are going through the roof. Or the pavement.
Thirty five asylum seekers in Stockholm asked to be relocated because they claim the current facility is haunted. The illegal aliens in the US are already suing for numerous perceived injustices.
I'm dying here.... check out the best news bloopers of 2015. The winner might be the Kardashian rant - decide for yourselves.
So this 18 year-old California robbery suspect got caught because he put up a Snapchat selfie.
The new Dish DVR lets you record up to 16 shows at once and watch 4 HD channels simultaneously. And if you do either of these things, you have serious issues that extend beyond DVRs. Perhaps a little Ritalin would help. Or a lot of Ritalin.
There has been yet another instance of a man trying to steal steak by putting it down his pants. I suggest we all take the weekend and do some science: shove some steak down your pants and see if it does anything for you. DO NOT TRY THIS AT THE STORE.
If you happened to be wandering about St Peter's Basilica the other day, you may have seen a naked, 'deranged' nurse strolling around, screaming, "I'm from Brazil" in Portuguese. Oddly enough, the police took him on a stroll to the Happy Place. The Vatican referred to him as deranged. Some of the priests asked for a personal interview. For employment purposes, of course.
What about my purchase history with Ticketmaster makes them think I want 'best seats in the house for An Evening with Neil Sedaka?' Jeff Beck? Joe Walsh?
Pat Harrington, 'Schnieder' on One Day at a Time, has gone off to join Bonnie Franklin 'Mrs Romano'.
Happy 40th anniversary to Frampton Comes Alive! Reactions to this will be as follows:
Huh?
FORTY?
God I'm old
Huh?
Listen again. Those are some GREAT tunes, some still played by Same Classic Rock Songs All the Time stations.
In Oklahoma, a hotel guest proposed a new technique in argument resolution. Angered by a dispute over the bill, he drove his pickup truck into the lobby. This would certainly make the hotel business more exciting.
A mother who gave birth to her daughter twelve weeks early in order to be treated for cancer says she "can't wait to start chemo". I know kids are a PITA but had no idea they were this bad.
Another one! Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster now able to perform marriages in New Zealand.
Government program used telepathy to contact aliens. We know for a fact that the remote viewing program existed. This is one claimed result. Believe or not.
In another large scale attack on sanity, N.W.A. is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Don't stand in front of the plane: an Air India ground staff member died after being sucked into an aircraft engine at Mumbai airport. Ouch.
The Human Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel her performance in Angola because her payment would come from government corruption. The American Rights Foundation has asked Nicki Manaj to cancel all US performances on general principles.
Once again, Congress has passed a stopgap funding bill so the government can stay 'open'. Have you noticed that they consistently fail to resolve ANYTHING, instead preferring to pass stopgaps. Mind you, they're spending our money. Fiscal malfeasance: sack them all.
Of all things a country can ban, France is doing well with banning 'excessively thin' models. A doctor can decide what excessively thin is. I can decide too but they have to send them here first.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Woman spends some time driving on the sidewalk, injuring more than thirty, killing one. For some reason, DUI is suspected.
A Dutch traveler was found with over twelve live hummingbirds in his pants. And prostitution is legal there, isn't it?
Blacks fail the Philly police psych profiling screening more than whites. Black groups are concerned, citing discrimination. Under U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines, if an
employment screening tool results in a minority racial group being hired
at less than four-fifths the rate of the majority, the burden is on the
employer to show why that tool is a valid predictor of job success and
not discriminatory. The test is the MMPI, used by behavioral health and legal personnel all over the country.
Brunei has banned the wearing of Santa hats. Talk about a war on Christmas! This is every bit as valid as homosexuality harming heterosexuality.
That's Gotta Hurt: A Sri Lanka man was arrested near Colombo for smuggling gold bars in his rectum.
Goodbye Kitty: Hello Kitty hacked, 3.3million accounts prove that there's no end to vapid and stupid. And you thought I was going to say Kardashian, didn't you?
Woman bites off husband's ear over beer. And smashed dishes. And blood on the wall. Minnesota - not Florida!
Meanwhile in India, monkey steals bus and crashes it while driver sleeps. Monkey offered job.
A man walked off a cliff and fell 60' to his death on xmas day. Because he was distracted by his cell phone. No word on whether he managed a selfie on the way down.
Top five Christmas songs written by Jews
"White Christmas" - Written by Irving Berlin (pictured), Bing Crosby's version is the bestselling single of all time
"The Christmas song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire") - Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme and recorded four times by Nat King Cole
"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" - Sammy Cahn wrote the song in 1945, during a heatwave in Los Angeles
"Santa Baby" - written by Joan Javits and made famous by Eartha Kitt
"Winter Wonderland" - written in 1934 and recorded by more than 200 singers
