JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!

Just when you thought you had had enough of Google and their pervasive tracking, they introduce a feature that will track you outside of Google. This means that when you do a search, watch a YouTube video, or play with your android phone, Google can track you further 'to show you more tailored ads'. The only positive to this is that the service is opt-in, meaning you have to set your controls to allow it. This is as opposed to Faceyspaces, where it's opt-out, meaning you have to turn it off. I have to give Google credit for this one piece.

• Speaking of Faceyspaces, it either does or does not use your location to suggest friends. One guy noticed people he had never heard of popping up in his suggestions. He traced it down to people who lived in or near his building. Is this ok with you? It's not with me, but as we know, I don't use Faceyspaces.

I can't imagine why people are so upset about ISIS. So they shoot random people in the US. So they blow themselves up at airports. So they throw gays off buildings. It's a peaceful religion.

• Paul Simon said that he was ready to give up music. You don't hear that often.

A study found that for boys and girls, higher (Disney) princess involvement was associated with higher levels of stereotypically female behavior. Who knew that boys shouldn't necessarily play with some girls' toys?

• This week we bid a fond farewell to Scotty Moore (84), Elvis Presley's original guitarist.

A smartphone is set to launch in India next week. The cost? Less than 3 pounds (47.59 and a half in dollars). Your $600 iDevice snickers in superiority then wilts a little.

1. Why is Hillary so often with the word "bitch"? If the shoe fits, shove it up their noses.
2. How offensive is it? Do you think she cares? Donald has been called all sorts of names.

Ikea has recalled 27 million (top-heavy) Malm chests of drawers in North America because of six child deaths. North America only? Birth control is savage these days.

• A Michigan prosecutor is considering whether the squawkings of a foul-mouthed parrot can be used as evidence in a murder trial. Polly wanna DON'T SHOOT DON'T SHOOT FUCKER..

The Grief Brigade carries on: Marshall misses his brother Ren. We thought they just tolerated each other but since Ren left us, Marshall has developed new, weird, and annoying habits. He wants to be physically attached to us most of the time. The only rescue cocker we ever had without separation anxiety, he now barks and howls when we leave the house. He has become fond of drinking some water, the playing with it, then dumping it on the floor and taking his wet paws with him onto the couch. Since we're no longer paying ridiculous amount of money to the vet for a sometimes diabetic cat, Marshall has stepped up to the plate and required biweekly trips himself. And this morning, he tripped my wife down the steps by running through her legs - a cat trick if there ever was one.

Hmmm... yesterday he kept bumping his head into my wife's leg for attention... just like the cat used to do. Has the cat possessed the dog?

Last week, he located a large zippered freezer bag, tried chewing through three sides of it, then somehow managed to get the zipper open and eat a Whole Lotta Steaks. This was followed, in short order, by diarrhea in the house (he always goes outside) and French Painting (Vomet) on the rug. Say what you will, Marshall is a really smart dog and a hell of a problem-solver.

We consulted the vet, who recommended another cat. NO.
Then she recommended a puppy. NO.
Then I suggested we get him a dog. Wife said NO.
After the fall, she might change her mind.
Marshall's an American Cocker. I think we should get him an English Cocker.

Filibustering Democracy

The democrats interrupted a moment of silence for the victims of the Orlando shooting to filibuster to advance their anti-gun agenda.

• Taylor Swift News: Word has reached our ears that Taylor Swift's last boyfriend has been replaced by a new boyfriend. As we know, I have worked tirelessly to figure out why I am not fond of her; she's attractive, which is generally enough. Maybe it's because her music sucks eggs. Regardless, I must go with results and congratulate Ms. Swift: she has advanced equality light years by going through men just like male stars go through women. She's like Slash but taller, female, blonde haired, and seemingly without much instrumental talent.

Searchers have found the black box of EgyptAir 804. Meanwhile, Flight MH370 still successful in remaining missing.

• Know those round caramel candies with the white cream in the middle? Yesterday we discovered that spaniels really like them. We'd be shocked but we're too busy not being shocked.

At least they flush the toilet: At the work kitchenette, someone left the water running. Not to be outdone, someone else blew up a soda can in the freezer. There are bits of frozen soda all over the shelf, as well as a shredded soda can.

• There is an Islamic text on the right way to beat your wife. Just in case you were doing it wrong.

Three New York police commissioners have been arrested on corruption charges. They gave their people sodas that were larger than 16 ounces.

• Why is there no label on forks that says, "WARNING: do NOT poke yourself in eyes with this"?

Bernie Sanders has admitted 'it doesn't appear' that he'll be the nominee. Marilyn Manson still campaigning for Nobel Peace Prize.

• The Democrats have started a House sit-in on the floor for gun control. They need to show they're serious by holding their breath while they jump up and down during their fit. In other news, the old folks in the party needed to have their legs amputated after their circulation stopped from sitting on the floor.

Pining for the Fjords

Social Justice Worker alert: Hillary Clinton: "Women have always been the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat." Yeah, Hill, the men only lose their lives, but no matter....

From the same media cesspool: did you know women suffer from prostate cancer too? They suffer when their partners get it. This idiocy is not going to stop for a long time.

• A 38 year old Polish nightclub owner was practicing his tank driving, as we all do, when he drove it into his own nightclub during a live Facebook stream.  This story highlights the difference between European and American culture: you cannot drive a tank in the US. We will never be truly equal until we can.

The New Oakland, California police chief ordered a shutdown of everyone's cell phone service on SFBART because he thought there was going to be a protest. Digest this... the police can order your cell service shut down on public transportation. Because of an alleged protest.

• The 'Hack the Pentagon' program has gone very well. This is where people are encouraged to find flaws in the Pentagon's computer systems (non-core or critical systems only).  The program turned up over 100 bugs. Just in 'non-ciritical' systems. Dare we guess what's going on with critical systems? Dare we guess why we're hacked?

The Anonymous hacking collective has been going after the Islamic State by replacing content with porn, to shame them. Hopefully they haven't been using goat or child porn, which would only excite them.

• Three women were charged for assaulting McDonald's employee for working too slowly. I'm wondering if the threat of this can be used to get employees to work faster and, more importantly, more accurately. Maybe they can be hired or visit different stores. The mind boggles.

Russian government hackers have been in the DNC network for up to a year. The State Department doesn't have to release emails - the Russians have already threatened to.

• Microsoft has purchased LinkedIn. As if either of them mattered.

With all the crap going on in the world, New York proves there's still a shred of humanity, after three men jumped down from a subway platform to save a man on the tracks. I'm sure there's a lot of this going on but it goes unreported.

• We here at Thermionic are against all forms of gun control. However, some guy adjusted his pants at Zabar's, an upscale Manhattan market, and shot himself. This is the kind of gun control we need. Some might call it Darwinism.

German Justice Minister Haiko Mass says Germany will not recognize polygamous or underage marriages, as practiced by immigrants. Apparently assaulting Germans and throwing gays off buildings are still on the table.

PRO TIP FOR MINORITY GROUPS IN THE PUBLIC EYE: As we know, I'm a libertarian. I haven't seen a ton of others but I have seen some local libertarians and their web pages. With the exception of Gary Johnson and the other guys running for president in our party, we're not a good-looking bunch of folks. I don't mean attractive - I mean the way we dress and act. If you're looking for some attention or to get someone's vote, a very important part of this is making your audience think you're like them. Guys (and girls, if there are any), put on a suit jacket. Sound mainstream normal. Yeah, this is style over substance but you stand a much better chance of being elected if you don't look like a mountain man in a black button-down shirt, who hasn't shaved in a month or three. This is precisely why I'm not out doing libertarian work - I look like a reject from the Aging Rock Star pageant. I'm the idea man, the inside guy. The guy you don't want out scaring potential voters.

Now let me extend this to our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community: Orlando was a national nightmare. The only positive thing that came about thus far is that you have been given a voice on the national stage. While I hope this event can produce something of long term substance, you need to make the most of your current opportunity. You probably don't want your spokesman to be a limp-wristed flamer with a flag painted on his face or a woman who shaved off half her hair and dyed the other half purple, with nose and eyebrow piercings and a suspicious chain going down into the front of her pants. There are gay people everywhere, who dress for business. Put a few of them up front. Again, you want your audience to feel that you're just like them. You're likely to gain a lot more traction this way.

Ymmv, of course.

RIP Ren, 2016

Hillary Trump

If you think carefully about your presidential candidate, you should go out and vote. If you're voting for someone because of their internal plumbing/gender, please stay home; you're not qualified to vote. I heard a teary-eyed interview on the radio about how great that a woman is running and how historic this is. I want the best person for the job and so should you.

• The FBI is stepping up its use of ISIS stings, with little public or congressional scrutiny. Translated into English, the FBI is locating some poor slob who claims support for ISIS, arming him, then making a huge deal about his arrest.

Most notably absent from the wannabe presidential speeches is any talk of the national debt.

• My wife and I have found the Ultimate Relationship Secret: sleeping when the other is awake.

A dispute over Ramadan meals in Duesseldorf resulted in a fire that gutted a shelter for 282 asylum seekers. The portions were too small, so they set the place on fire. Let's import some immigrants, shall we?

In related news, a Pakistani woman was burned alive by her family for eloping. She was obviously asking for it.

• Microsoft founder Bill Gates launched a campaign to help extremely poor families in sub-Saharan Africa to raise chickens. Unfortunately the poor will discover they can't raise the chickens because the chickens will automatically keep trying to upgrade to Chicken 10.

David Beckham, famous for f-ing the anorexic-looking Spice Chick, says "You need to wear a condom in the fight against HIV." I'm doing my part by wearing a condom as I type this.

• To protest rampant sexism in Hollywood, Ghostbusters is being remade with women in the title roles. Because that's not sexism at all.

With all the huff and fluff about transgender bathrooms, don't you wonder how many people will benefit from this?

NOT THE IMPLANTS!

All is not "Good on ya" in Australia, where a kangaroo jumped on a cycling Australian woman and ruptured her breast implants. This should serve as a warning for women in Australia, women planning to visit Australia, women who bicycle and anyone who exercises (especially in Australia) Also women who demand silicone breast implants, which cause all sorts of problems when ruptured.

• Just in case you're curious about what it's like being a porn star, Samantha Bentley shares... [ooh, ahh, ooh baby...]

A French ship has detected signals likely to have come from the black boxes of the EgyptAir plane that crashed last month.  MH370 working overtime to continue not being found.

• Marilyn Monroe would have been 90 this year. What a GGILF she'd be.

Two countries separated by a common language: In England,the list of the Queen's favo(u)rite songs has been released. This is apparently a Big Thing. Wonder what would happen if Obama's favorite list was released....

• Abba reunited for their first performance in 30 years in Sweden, during a private party, for a one-off event. They have been offered millions in the past but turned it down. Good for us.

ISIS militants have killed a Hindu priest in Bangladesh. They were no doubt worried about his potential for violence.

• In trials now is a blood test to determine if a prescribed medicine for depression is the correct one. I hope this works - it will be a potential lifesaver for depressed people.

The mother of a three-year-old boy who wandered into a gorilla pen will not be charged, prosecuters have said. We must not inconvenience parents who do not parent.

• Good news for Hef: the Playboy mansion has been sold to a neighbor, a private equity boss. The neighbor probably won't hurt either.

Restoration has started on the tomb suspected to have been Jesus'. Should he arrive, he is cordially welcome to stop by this blog for an interview. There is absolutely nothing like having a large audience of nine (on better days) to get your message across.

• The next Harry Potter play is already a success although its script has not been published yet. J.K. Rowling, its author, is drawing parallels with Bruce Springsteen, who can defecate on stage causing his fans to go into spasms of orgasmic glee.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Wearing Crocs is.