You Got Yer Snow Salt in My Peanut Butter

So my friend had an interesting New Year's Day... he is awakened by some commotion or other going on outside. Struggling to get out of bed, he somehow manages to pry himself loose and gaze out the window. Not being hung over (too much), he sees what all children want to see on Christmas, a fire truck! Right outside the house!

He manages to get to the front door to see what's the matter, when in walks the roommate. When asked why the shiny new fire truck is parked at the curb, Roommate says, "Oh, there's a gas leak. They're shutting off the gas."

Oh.

Roommate, who is still visibly plowed from New Year's Celebrating, even after sleeping, is about to go off to Other Endeavors, when my friend points at his forehead. He stands there, waiting for more input. Again, the forehead is pointed at. Again, he stands there, confused.  Eventually he meanders over to a convenient mirror, where he discovers the word PENIS, written in his forehead in large, crisp black letters, visible from low-flying aircraft.

Not impressed or amused, Roommate immediately sets out, at high speed, after Friend, who is laughing and running. So you have two idiots chasing each other on the lawn, in front of a fire truck which is waiting for the gas company to shut off the gas to the house because there is a leak. And the entire crew of Ladder Unfortunate imparted this information to a still-drunk guy with PENIS written on his forehead. Fun times back at the firehouse.

Not content to let this be, in the spirit of drunken New Year's Revelry, Roommate has located a 2x4 and has renewed the chase. In front of the fire truck, on New Years Day, by the House of Horrors.

My friend, somewhat of an organizational sort, decides that this might not look entirely kosher to the fire department and 'gently suggests' that the two lunatics chasing each other on the front lawn, perhaps come in the house, perhaps leaving behind the 2x4. The neighbors are already aware of the House of Horrors so this would be nothing new. Once inside, my friend starts trying to pry more information from Friend of Drunk about the gas situation, as Roommate's blood level is still interfering with his alcohol level. Seconds later, the interrogation stops, as Roommate took the opportunity to kick his friend square in the nuts.

How was your New Years?

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There is now a declassified government combined report on alleged Russian involvement in the US election. How does one even begin to try to figure this out? The politicians lie. Other countries lie. Intelligence agencies lie and obfuscate. You can't trust republicans or democrats, so in point of fact, this document could be used as toilet paper, only you'd have to print it out first. 

• Nearly 400,000 users of adult site Xhamster have had their private details leaked. Usernames, email addresses and passwords have been on the dark web for several months. Interestingly enough, 400,000 is approximately 3.2% of the site's membership (yay porn!). I'm not entirely certain why one needs a login to a porn site but regardless, even a ridiculously complex password would not have helped because they used encryption that was easy to crack. View your porn wisely and keep it sacred.
• Speaking of porn, the hack on Hello Kitty's 3.3 million fan database last year has leaked online. Goodbye Kitty.

I went out for a bit and came back to find that Marshall had formed a non-profit called Cockers for Cold Cuts. This is on top of last week's religious group, Cockers for Cheeses. These things have come on the heels of all this medicine he needs lately. He will not take the pills so we have to get creative - lately with cold cuts.

• I swear it was just that one time: I was young, needed the money, and no harm came to the octopus

Online stuff: apparently you can become a millionaire on YouTube. You do this by getting a HUGE amount of views and get paid for it. Can you just imagine the ThermionicEmissions YouTube channel? And all ten subscribers? Furthermore, you can't post porn, which would kill my ratings further.

In addition to this humongous bit of knowledge, allow me to hit you with another: there are things called Social Media Influencers. They have so many followers that they whore themselves out to manufacturers to hawk their goods. Accordingly, I am now a Social Media Non-Influencer. Manufacturers can hire me to drive sales away. Or rather, manufacturers can hire me to drive sales away from other manufacturers. To get by these days, you gotta be crafty. Or greedy, whatever.

Happy New Year!