Your Fridge is Holding Your Food Hostage

I rant constantly against the Internet of Things, as all three of my readers will attest. When a leader in the field of security rants, it's time to pay attention. I'm with him right up to 'a government that prides itself on minimal intervention' of course. Give it a read.

• The slippery slope has gotten slipperier. The European Union's European Council, which sets political direction an priorities, has approved a set of proposals that would require Facebook, YouTube and Twitter to block videos that promote terrorism, incite hatred, or contain toxic, violent content. The UK already has hate speech laws, under which it's not ok to complain about Muslims or ISIS blowing up things and killing people. You can be prosecuted for this.
• Think about this for a second. These are laws on what you can't say. Upside Down World has taken its next illogical step. Thoughtcrime will run rampant. People can't be allowed to go around thinking and saying what they want.
• America has issues but Freedom of Speech is still mostly alive.

Another Great American entered the legal system this week, as some lady is suing Jelly Belly, the company that makes the best flavored jelly beans, because she didn't know there was sugar in there.  This is the lowest form of American, abusing the legal system like a pro. Did all that sweetness come from cardboard, perhaps? When does personal responsibility enter the equation (never)? Spend more time on gray matter and less on stuffing your face.

Jelly Bellys are a magical little piece of well-flavored sugar. I had the opportunity to tour the factory, which was a great time. At one point, the guide told us that they used 45 tons of sugar daily. I brightened up and let the group know that was more than I use. They were amused.

• I just saw a commercial for a game show called Beat Shazam, with Jamie Fox. Proving there's absolutely nothing new in Hollywood, this is directly stolen from a show called Name That Tune. Next season there will obviously be a Beat Shazam II.

Ben & Jerry's in Australia are protesting the inability of gays to get married. They are going about this by not allowing two scoops of the same ice cream on the same item. The effects of this action are being felt across the nation, with rioting breaking out in Brisbane. The government has stated that they will not be dictated to, especially by American concerns, but have told reporters, off the record, that they are preparing for widespread looting and possible large scale deaths. They are very quietly drafting same-sex marriage legislation. The rest of the public is very confused, as they never order two scoops of the same flavor.

• That didn't take long...the UK government is getting ready to pass legislation modifying business' encryption of data, so it can be handed to them upon request. In other words, deliberate backdoors. Hmmm... a nail bomb was detonated by a suicide bomber and now there is convenient legislation to allow the government access to encrypted data. What incredible timing! Also coincidental is the fact that UK businesses were ramping up their encryption to make data safer against hackers. This will thwart their safety measures and now the hacker is the UK government. I wonder if the citizens can take a break from protesting Trump or whatever today's cause is to notice this.

In the Just Desserts Department, three Nigerian scammers have received 235 years of total jail sentences in the US.  Three down, three thousand to go.

• We haven't had a great headline in a while, so I give you "Husband files for divorce after wife's girlfriends sent him videos of them having lesbian group sex"

Hunter College will be offering An Abolition of Whiteness course this fall to discuss the role of "White supremacy and violence."  After graduation, students are invited to return for "Decorating your parents' basement because you can't get a job due to putting An Abolition of Whiteness on your resume."

Just in case you haven't had your daily fix of College Lunacy, in good old Washington state, black Evergreen State College students have siezed the campus. The only outspoken opponent, a professor, has been advised to hold his classes offsite, as it's not safe for him to come on campus. The miscreants have, of course, filmed their activities and posted them on social media (because nothing exists or happens until it's posted on Faceyspaces) and are now upset that everyone can see them, so they're demanding the videos be removed. The students are stopping cars, looking for the professor or information about his whereabouts.

In any other universe, SWAT would be out with all their lovely military gear, only they can't because the administrators will not let them on campus, promising a "major review" to find out why the students are so upset. They don't want to discipline the children - they want to find out why they're upset. The students, of course, have demands, including annual sensitivity training for staff and police, emphasizing the eradication of anti-black racism (anti-white racism was not mentioned). This link will give you more details (try to look past its very right-leaning bent).

Can you see the resumes?
* Led student riot and takeover of the college.
* Set up roadblock to find white racist professor.
* Demanded institution of African American agenda
* Fuck whitey

If your child and your money went to Hunter College, you might be an upset parent, no? Did you have high hopes for your child's education in actual subjects, as opposed to a degree in siezing the college? If/when graduated, they should probably avoid trying to take over McDonalds, IF their degree qualifies them for the position.

• British Airways had 'a spot of a problem' over the weekend. BA had to ground all flights out of London's two main airports, affecting call centers and online booking sites. More than 1,000 fights were canceled and 75,000 passengers stranded. At fault was another "global IT system failure," reportedly the sixth such incident in the last year. 
• A power surge was blamed, allegedly so strong it affected the backup system's ability to start. BA is still working to figure out the precise causes. There are two large data centers near its headquarters.
• The union representing the IT workers blames the incident on outsourcing to India, which didn't understand how to restart the system.
• As someone who has done similar work, I'm calling shenanigans. My non-profit job had incredible redundancy and backup capabilities. Why didn't British Air? More accurately, why didn't they work? Weren't these systems routinely tested, as necessary?
• With the CEO blaming a power surge, IT blaming outsourcing, and both agreeing that the backup system failed to start, we have a notable situation.

If your day seems to be going downhill, imagine being a New York City policeman, chasing a runaway horse on 11th and 52nd. There were ten cars in the chase. The horse, meanwhile, took a left on 51st and hid out in a Chinese massage parlor, where everything had a happy ending.

Hey Fatass - The Shorts....

It's getting warmer and more sunny, which can only mean one thing: air conditioning. Ok, air conditioning and leaving the house. Two things: air conditioning, leaving the house, and hamfests. THREE things...

For newer readers, a hamfest has absolutely nothing to do with pork or pork products. Hams are amateur radio operators and this is, for lack of better term, a radio and electronics flea market. There are many across the US at different times, weather depending.

A hamfest is a unique event. World War II was also a unique event.
Let me try this again. A hamfest is a wonderful insight into a universe you've never seen or possibly heard about.

Unattached ladies - if you're looking for Marriage Material, or are horribly desperate, this is the place to be.  You can peruse all sorts of men and pick one who matches your standards and likes. You can find overweight men, overweight men with suspenders, grossly overweight men, and men on scooters. Dark-haired men with short hair, dark-haired men with long hair, many gray-hairs and the odd gray-haired man with a pony tail. For the entire time I've been attending hamfests, I can recall one man with blond hair. I have no idea why this is.  Some of these fellas will probably die quickly, leaving you the insurance money.

As for men looking for women, you might as well go buy a single winning lottery ticket at your local convenience store. At certain events, Mrs. lefty was one of two women. This is a big plus for women, because you're going to be the best-looking woman at the fest (if not the only woman). The one or two there seem to be spouses or vendors. Having said that, there were a lot of women there today. It was bizarre. In addition to being stared at by lots of men, Mrs. lefty was stared at by women, mostly with sour, jealous faces. Some women are weird.

It's not that there are no women in amateur radio - their ranks seem to grow yearly. You can routinely turn on your receiver and hear women locally. You can also hear local men, gabbing about nothing with the women, all of them sounding like women. One must take a test to operate these radios.



Hams go back to the beginning of time, or rather, the beginning of amateur radio. Some operated in the military, some picked it up as a hobby. Some built radios themselves, out of scrapped televisions and other electronics. They did what was necessary. They are quite a crafty lot. Possibly because of this, they are cheap. Oh my dog are they cheap. As bad as you've seen it at any other flea markets, hams can sometimes take it to their own exclusive level.

For a group that's almost one hundred percent gentlemen, there is some rude, confusing behavior. They walk right past you, as if you're invisible, and stand there at the tables, blocking all views of the merchandise. Maybe this happens at flea markets in general, I don't know. If a new vendor shows up late, they go into Swarm Mode and attack. You can't get within ten feet of the new table.

And what can one see for sale at these events? I think there's a word limit on blogs. The obvious would be radios. Lots of radios. Tons of radios. Radios in all shapes and sizes. Very expensive recent radios and some ancient tube radios that weigh just under one hundred pounds and are referred to as boatanchors. Then there are parts of radios: tiny little resistors, capacitors, coils, transformers and bits of this and that, some older than me. Tons of tubes, almost none of them useful, unless you like to fix really old televisions.

But that's not all! I like radios, to be sure, but there are so many weird objects, some completely unrelated, that make things more interesting. Did your VCR from the nineties crap out and you need one to transfer tapes? There were ten there, with remotes, in great condition. Computer buff? There are a lot of old, refurbished computers for sale, as well as old networking equipment. Old cables, old monitors, and really old cables. Old mice, old software, old peripherals. A huge box of cassette adapters from when you'd plug your mp3 player into your car stereo. A large collection of 8track tapes. Military surplus hats with the flap down the back so you don't get neck sunburn. Very expensive flashlights that can blind you and tiny laser pointers that can burn a hole through your skull.  Sports baseball caps, old but unused drink cozies, Barbies, costume jewelry, and a ton of old CDs and DVDs (and albums). Even a bunch of sound equipment, removed from several installations. How can one not go to these events?

I bought an SVGA cable, because one of mine is getting temperamental, for the lofty price of two dollars.

I am taking a good-natured shot at radio amateurs. By and large, they're a great group of fellows (and a few women) who would do anything for anyone. Remember: when the cell phone networks went down on 9-11, amateur radio continued to operate. They offer their services in disasters and practice for them so they're ready. Never a penny changes hands - it's completely volunteer by honorable people.

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Since we were hungry and since we don't have them anywhere near us, we stopped at Waffle House. For some reason, this absolutely thrills Mrs. lefty and the internal kids.  We followed two girls in; one tall, the other not. One attractive, the other not. By this point you know that the attractive one is dressed for the weather. The other one, about forty pounds overweight, is wearing short shorts. When I say short shorts, I mean the kind that only barely cover your buttocks. Unfortunately, parts of her buttocks were intent on escaping and were having great success in their endeavor. This might not have been visible from the front, but we had the misfortune to be round the back. Fortunately this did not put us off our waffles.

Waffle House must be an offshoot of Walmart. I say this because of the employees, but mostly the clientele. Every hair color you can imagine, except brown or blonde or red. More tattoos than a tattoo shop. More piercings than Uncle Fester's bed of nails (and those are the ones we can see).

We passed a place called Indoor Skydiving. Good thing I wasn't driving, because I had to sit AND think about this for a while. How do they get the planes into the building? After watching fifteen seasons of Air Crash Investigation, I know this isn't practical. It's also too small for an amusement park ride. I'm told by someone much smarter that there's a huge fan at the bottom, which keeps you in midair, hence skydiving.  I like the plane idea better.

RIP Gregg Allman

A few weeks back there was an unfounded rumor that Gregg Allman had died. He, or a surrogate, surfaced to let everyone know that rumors of his death were premature.

And today Gregg died for sure. He was 69. No cause of death was mentioned but he had a long list of ailments.

It would be wonderful for him to surface again but it's not going to happen this time, at least according to his own website.

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Somewhere in this fine place that I call a house is an 8track tape of the Allmans.  It could be said that I'm a lifelong fan.

I haven't seen them a lot, but after one performance I turned to my friend and asked how anybody could listen to Madonna when what we heard was Pure Music. 

This is a group that has suffered great tragedy and gone on triumphantly. Duane Allman's death, followed by Berry Oakley's the next year, put a strain on the band in the early years. Dickey Betts stepped up and took over the lead spot. Recently Butch Trucks took his own life, and now Gregg. 

The Allman Brothers called it quits recently and Gregg was touring solo. In its final incarnation were Derek Trucks and Warren Haynes on guitar. As it should be, they weren't Duane and Dickey - they made history as their own chapter of the band. Remaining were Butch Trucks (drums), Jaimo (drums), Otiel (bass), and Marc Quinones (percussion).

You can hear Warren Haynes in Gov't Mule and solo. Derek Trucks leads the Tedeschi Trucks Band, with his wife, Susan Tedeschi. I highly recommend catching both. Dickie Betts is still recording and touring-also recommended.

A chapter of rock and roll history has ended, people.

------------------------------------------------

For a musically talented group, they had a lot of hits. We don't see this often. Think of the memories evoked by Blue Sky. Where did you first hear Melissa? Whipping Post? Ramblin Man. Jessica. In Memory of Elizabeth Reed. One Way Out. 

Gregg's greatest quote: I did a lot of drugs and married a broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one of them.

Guys - we will miss you. But you have left behind a legacy, for which we are forever grateful. It will outlive all of us.

Aaaaaaaaand it's Muslims

Our hearts go out to the people of Manchester after the latest cowardly terrorist act.

Some would describe any Ariana Grande concert as a terrorist act but I'll wait a few days.

It's getting to the point that the moment there's word of any disruption, you start the countdown clock, waiting for the announcement that ISIS is at it again. I'm sure the other terrorist groups are feeling left out.

It would appear that the people who want to 'extreme vet' immigrants have a bit of a point. Unfettered immigration overseas hasn't gone well.

*Speaking of Ms. Grande, she has been quoted as saying she hates Americans and then there's the video of her in a bakery, licking donuts and putting them back. She also dresses like a fetish model then complains she feels 'objectified.'

In further Manchester news, England will actually prosecute for you saying ISIS is bad. At least we have freedom of speech here.

In still further news from somewhere left of Bernie, noted game developer and part-time hat stand Brianna Wu let this loose on Twitter: When a man straps on a bomb of nails, goes to a woman's concert to kill an audience of women and girls, IT'S A SAFE BET SEXISM IS INVOLVED. To say this woman is unstable is to do an injustice to the people who are legitimately unstable.

As if there couldn't possibly be more, there is. Katy Perry has commented on the Manchester bombing: 'No barriers, no borders, we all just need to co-exist.' The wit. The intellect. It hurts.

• Some random dude from Alabama is going to jail for online harassment of fifty women (that they know about). There was little rhyme or reason as to how they were selected, but he researched them online enough to guess their passwords and hacked away, getting into their phones and CLOUD accounts and stealing their pictures.  Again, this is some random dude from Alabama. If he caused this much damage to this large number of women, it's kinda frightening, no? It's not like he's a hacker. Hmm... oh, I see.. their passwords were so crappy he was able to guess them from online research. Read and weep. It's a good article, with practical examples of how to avoid this.

Sir Roger Moore (89) has shuffled off his mortal coil, after a short battle with cancer.  RIP, Mr. Bond.

• Marshall the cocker had his one month post-surgical visit the other day. The surgeon was shocked - she did not expect to see him in the wonderful shape he's in. We're all happy and thankful. Marshall was so enthused, he shit in the exam room. Marshall is a very complex dog.
• Speaking of complex, we can now brag that our little monster can remove the white plastic top from a Dunkin Donuts styrofoam cup AND the clear plastic top from the clear plastic cup. After either, he goes face-down into the coffee, hot or cold, and sees no ill effects from it. It's a shame I didn't have him when I needed to write papers and book reports.

Data theft allegations against four former House IT workers have gone nowhere and people are baffled. The suspicion is that these workers have data on House members, in a blackmailing kinda way. If your outlook on government is not completely sour at this moment, read this article and see how you feel. My favorite line is that there are rules stating that staffers cannot make more than House members. These are the people who are legally immune to their own laws and don't have to use the piddling Obamacare insurance - they have their own.

• A cyber-attack in Florida resulted in hackers getting hold of names of 16,000 people who hold concealed-weapon licenses.  Imagine.. that much information in one place. Poorly secured. Is there too much data stored? Do we need concealed weapon licenses? Do you trust the keepers of this data? Go ahead - guess what the ThermionicEmissions answer is.

UK Secret Classifications (applies everywhere):
Top Secret: Stuff that gets left on the train
Secret: Stuff the press has
Official: Safe to give to politicians

• Got one of those dandy new Samsung Galaxy S8 phones? They have the dandy new iris scanner. As expected, the scanner can be bypassed with a photo of your iris. The only thing missing here is the Internet of Things connection so if your signal is bad, you can't unlock the phone. Or use your iris.
• Speaking of iris. Irii? Irises? Iras? Samsung should abandon iris unlocking anyway and go for something more adventurous: breast unlocking. After all, no two breasts are alike... plus it would make morning commutes much more interesting - especially on the train.

Our local 'news' morning show has revealed that there's a 'feud' between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Putting aside my prior theory that Taylor is a fembot, and would therefore win any contest, I think this is getting out of hand. Feuds became very popular during the East Coast-West Coast rapper days. In a bid to pump up a career or get some 'cred,' these lilly white, alleged Songstresses to the Tweens are out there generating press.

No, seriously.

On 'news' programs, to my absolute horror, some have added a 'social media desk,' where a 'reporter' will weigh in on Faceyspaces and Twitter matters of great import. We will now need to contact the business on-air furniture department because we need another space: news will need to hire a Feud Reporter, with in-depth, up to the moment news of who's feuding with whom, who stole a boyfriend/girlfriend (or both), and some background on the feud and who it affects.

As if that weren't enough, we'll need one more seat. We can call this person the Sociology Reporter. He or she will report on what the feud means in terms of sociology and why we're all going to hell because of it. When news is completely devoid of content and owned by six mega-corporations, we deserve at least one person on staff to tell us the truth while the ninnies do their dance.


Wait, I hear someone fiddling....

You Picked a Bad Morning to Run Windows

If you haven't patched every version of Windows you use DO IT NOW, per earlier blog post, lest you lose all your files to ransomware. BACK UP YOUR FILES OFFLINE.

In case you're curious, everybody's best friend, the NSA, hoards vulnerabilities as weapons, not reporting them to (in this case) Microsoft. Unfortunately, these vulnerabilities got leaked and the Bad People are now using them. The letter agencies are completely out of control.

A very side effect of this is that medical equipment is getting infected. Do you want those machines that go PING next to your hospital bed to be infected? Why does this happen?  Since many medical devices run on Windows and they are connected to the local network, they can easily get infected with WannaCry."

Odds are my readers are not employed as security professionals. That said, reading the above sentence, what would you recommend? Yes, this is your future... your fridge will eventually hold your food hostage.

• United Airlines has taught themselves (hopefully) and us important lessons. One of their attendants leaked the cockpit door combination online. The lessons are to not drag people off planes when there's video and no matter how secure you are from the outside, there's always idiots on the inside who will screw things up. We have seen the enemy and it is us.

In the latest installment of Hackers Have Your Movie, Disney's new Pirates of the Caribbean is being held hostage and Disney isn't paying up. CEO Bob Iger has the Feds involved, but I wonder how long it will take until Bob's private files, featuring the donkeys, become public... or the Mouse House comes down on the private parts of the hackers.

In other, deeply personal hacking news, Brooks Brothers has been hacked; the hackers made off with payment card details.  When I think of all the money I paid for a closet full of high quality suits, I realize I can't even tell you where a Brooks Brothers store is. They want you to know they're right on top of the matter, though, as it has only been going on for about a year.

• I bought a laptop stand. It's pretty much a tray table but looked like it would do the job. I enjoy the thing, but not near as much as Marshall, who has taken to camping out underneath it, like an awning, or right next to it, so I can't get around him. It's almost like he's part cat. Currently he's in doggie dreamland, farting up a storm and choking off my oxygen. If anybody strikes a match, the whole place is going up.

CBS has been slammed for new fall shows, all starring men. 

Whine whine... 

Let's get together and collaborate on some possible starring replacements for men:

• talking breasts
• fish
• dust from vertical blinds
• carburetors
• elephants

please chime in.

• James Patrick Page, guitar player of some note, in a band called Led something or other, is dating a 26 year old woman. Fame and talent hath its privileges, as she's one-third his age. Are you getting the idea about why I want to be a Big Rock Star<tm>?

A woman stabs her boyfriend. This is generally acknowledged as a Pretty Bad Thing. Well, she may be getting off because it will hurt her career prospects. Is this what they refer to as Male Privilege? 

• Cardiff, Wales, home of the fictional Torchwood, is gearing up for its Naked Bike Ride protest.  It is not immediately apparent whether the protest is against naked bike riding or something else, but I dare not click the link, as it goes to Faceyspaces.  This event could go spectacularly wrong, so I advise caution if there's a live feed.
• As if anyone could get enough of Wales, people are OUTRAGED at the ASDA retail chain is selling a jumper that says "Boys will be boys." The lead malcontent claims this maintains damaging stereotypes. Not mentioned was the other boys jumper that says "I have a penis," which also maintains the damaging stereotype that boys have penises (and can't identify as girls, presumably).

RIP Chris Cornell, former frontman for Soundgarden. He died suddenly and unexpectedly (of suicide). Another of rock's great lead voices gone. He was an original.

Please talk to someone. Seek help. Tell a friend. There is assistance. You don't have to feel this way. And there will be a lot of people left in your wake after you go. Condolences to Chris' wife and two children.

Lastly, this means people will pay more attention to Eddie Vedder. Nothing good can come from this.

• Qualcomm has a patent on for internet-connected shoes. What could possibly go wrong?

Twitter has updated its privacy policy. Remembering that everything is opposite from the way it sounds, this means that Twitter has updated the way it ruins your privacy. The results are fairly astounding. Check it out.

• Tired of the ridiculousness coming out of the college professors, a Portland State University professor and mathematician collaborated to write a hoax paper called "The Conceptual Penis as a Social Construct." Reviewers loved it, even though the authors tried to make is as incoherent as possible.  Nice to see a little humor in the process.

God's Country

We don't get out much, not that I have to say that. Again.
Now that the weather has gone from cold, gray, and humid to warm, gray, and humid, it's time to leave the homestead now and then, for stuff not involving picking up dog food.

Much to the grief of the wife, it was a guitar and musician flea market. It was on the grounds of a large flea market, so everyone was covered.  There was a fifty percent chance of rain, which was a bit of a joke, but it seriously couldn't decide which way it wanted to go. This is why it's called Mother Nature, because only a woman would spend the entire day going from cloudy to sunny to cloudy, over and over again. The sun and clouds were fighting like Hillary and Trump supporters, with neither getting an edge.

The place was a bit far out, so we had to get some online directions; never a good idea. For instance, the directions said to make a left to Route 134 West, while the sign said Route 134 West was right. You know where this is headed, right? We sure as hell didn't.

We knew we were in for an adventure when 134 West crossed Forty Mile Road. Being from the city, we don't have Forty Mile Road. We have Market St. The Boulevard. I-95. Just down from Forty Mile Road was Granite Road.  Forty Mile probably indicated that in 1900, it was forty miles to civilization, not that much had changed, except some nice houses and grass. Granite Road was the entrance to the quarry, where Fred Flintstone worked.

It was ten miles to the next road, so being the Excellent Navigator I am, I mentioned we were to continue for ten miles.  A ways down the road (because you say 'ways' past the city line) I asked how close were we. The answer, Excellent Driver she is, was "I don't know - I got distracted." And so it began.

When we first met, we were unusually perfect for each other. We didn't fight and managed to do everything together and in rhythm.  As we got older, we started to notice stuff.... stuff like all of the sudden, it wasn't too good an idea to have both of us in the kitchen at the same time. It was like putting Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen with coked up Billy Mays, a few sharp knives, and maybe some grenades. I'm extra careful around knives because I almost amputated a digit when I was little. This is not helped by my wife's tendency to reach past me every time I slice something. Similarly, water acts as a trigger for her... whenever I run the water to do dishes, she automatically needs water for something else.  I don't pretend to understand, but let this be our biggest problem, right?

But no. Another large problem involves Going Places, specifically places we've never been, that rely on directions. She becomes very nervous and extremely short-tempered and communicates by yelling.  Since yelling is usually my territory, it gets hot and loud in the vehicle. Hot and loud is good during sex, for waking the neighbors, but it does absolutely nothing to help get somewhere.

'About' ten miles down the road, the yelling continued. We had no choice but to pull over and fire up my eternal nemesis... no, not the mower... the Garmin.  Technology certainly has come a long way from having to get directions over the wired phone, write them down, then remember to take them with you. Now you just have to know the address and put it into your GPS. Most people have stopped using Garmins and simply use their phone's system. Since I'm tin foil hat, I have the GPS in my phone locked down so far it would take longer to activate it than to walk ten miles. If we fire up the wife's phone, it will give us directions completely different from the Garmin.

I decided to make peace with the Garmin, in spite of my one hundred percent negative experience with the infernal device. This was going to be different, I told myself.  And of course I was mistaken. Putting the address into the device, it immediately told me there was no such address. This is absolutely typical of my Garmin experience. It always requires screaming. And the moment the first error comes up, I go from quiet and positive to wishing universal death and destruction on the device, its headquarters, and everyone involved in its production, down to the clerk that rang it up for me at the electronics store. There is no other device or circumstance in life that gets to me like this, except possibly the mower.  Once I established that the little $@&*er didn't understand 'Rt' and required me to type 'Route', it asked me if I wanted the exact address I typed.  Smart little box, isn't it?

Back on the road, it told us to go another few miles in the direction we were headed, causing a temporary thaw in international relations. The moment it told us to make a left from Green Road to Green Valley Road, one of us completely failed to make the turn, causing a recalculation. Fortunately it did not recommend driving into the water, as two of them did last time we used it.

Eventually we made it to the market. There is all sorts of folksy lore on the website about how the market came to be, with Old Papa Jed selling stuff on the roadside back in the 1800s (or 1900s or something) and the stand becoming so popular, it's now a large flea market.  And when I say large, I mean an awful lot of rock-filled drives and stalls, similar to a dilapidated drive-in of yore. The wife immediately started asking where it was. Well, it was the only indoor area and the rest of the place was stalls and parking lots. This was insufficient, for some reason, so yelling was indicated. Impossible physical acts were suggested. And cigarettes were involved.

Cigarettes are always involved. It's the most bizarre legal drug addiction I have ever beheld. While Mrs lefty is gracious enough never to smoke in the house or car (even she can't stand smelling it), it's worse than crack. The moment she leaves a building or exits the car, the cigarette is At The Ready, before she has actually left the building or opened the car door.  We call this PTSD - as if she's never going to get another one so this one is Very Important.

This was God's Country. We kept checking the GPS and our phones, shocked that there was signal at all. The big hangout was probably the Walmart, no doubt a very recent addition. There were feed stores, as well as actual hardware stores, which have all but disappeared in the city. The was an actual dairy with an attached ice cream shop. Horses, chickens, cows, and very few people were seen on the way.

After locating the sole indoor space, I sallied forth and intruded. After over an hour's drive, I had no idea what to expect, but at least there weren't two toothless family members selling used guitar strings and a whole lotta space. There were about twenty tables... I hesitate to call them vendors because this was an indoor flea market. Gone are the days of finding an ancient gem under someone's bed - things were market priced or higher.

One table featured violins in different colors. They even had ukeleles in different colors. Not sure if the color indicated the value or tone, or whether it was just best to breeze by quickly. There were definitely a lot of guitars there, mostly of the very cheap off-brand variety. Someone even had a few off-brand lefties, bless them. There was also a metalflake pink, star-shaped guitar, hopefully for young girls, although I wouldn't hesitate to play it if I were wearing a pink tutu, a set of Disney ears, singing Earache My Eye, as Cheech Marin. But I'm just different that way.

I saw a few Marshall amplifiers, which was exciting, right up til I got close and realized they were the kind that didn't have tubes in them, which sold about four units when they were new. There were also a few very old mixing boards, one described as vintage, priced astronomically. The board used to record Abbey Road sold for millions and was worth it. These relics of the Eighties were approaching $1,000, for which you could triple the performance by purchasing a new one.

There was one item I didn't want to leave without, but alas, the vendor was nowhere to be seen.  The Rules would tell you that since it was not marked, it was free and since there was no vendor around, I could just wheel it out myself, but I wasn't sure if these people read The Rules, so I decided to leave it there. It was a huge console tube tester. You know, old folks, when you had tubes for your tv or radio and you needed to see if they were good or you had to buy new ones. I use tubes in most of my guitar amps, so this would make a great piece of 'furniture' for the house. I even had Wifely Approval, but the bastard was nowhere to be found. Ok, I do have a portable one anyway, but this was in its own console and looked all retail-like.

I suspect because it was God's country, the people were largely locals and they were nice, amiable folks... the kind you like to do business with. I manged to escape with a few baubles. My wife, who can find treasure anywhere things are for sale, managed to locate some bizarre sort of pick holder that involved velcro. I already have quite an efficient pick holder made from denim. It's called pants and it has four or sometimes five pockets which can be filled with picks. Come to think of it, there was not a single pick for sale in the entire structure. In any case, she saw gold in these devices, purchasing a bunch of them for relatives who do not play guitar, but would find them invaluable for something entirely different. I gave up asking a long time ago.

Musician Crap: I got a Boss DS-1 so I could do some modifications on it and check out the differences. Also a Tascam USB audio interface that I took for granted will work with linux. This is an adorable little box that will take a mic or guitar signal and send it out to your computer via USB.

And that was that for the guitar show. If we were so excited we couldn't contain ourselves, it was also open the next day. You know... if we didn't get to all twenty tables in one morning.

Poof - out of the music gate we went, walking in minor, freshly-installed lakes, to the rest of the flea market, conveniently located out of doors. Flea markets are different than I remember, not that I am a frequent visitor. The first few stalls seemed to consist of merchandise from QVC, which was a selling point, for reasons I am not privy to as a man. Guys, or other genders with external plumbing, would think that one doesn't need to drive over an hour to purchase merchandise that can be ordered via the phone or QVC's convenient website. Women, on the other hand, don't let logic interfere with a good shopping opportunity.

Some of the other vendors had tables plus what can best be described as a small shed that you could walk into and see more merchandise, some actually not from QVC, but in an atmosphere that could make mice claustrophobic.  The places looked a lot like episodes of Hoarders that haven't aired yet. My job was to Hold Things. It was my job for the day, apparently. Wife would pick something up, say some words, then order me to Hold This. As any husband will tell you, it's better to smile, agree, and Hold This, never asking a single question or uttering any noise that would invite further talking or debate on the item(s).

Because we don't get out a lot and because I'm probably past the mean age of crime, I'm not used to seeing an employee appearing wherever I am, 'tidying up' an area. And reappearing at a different area at which I've just arrived. Usually the more observant of the two of us, my wife did not notice. I did, and desperately wanted to find a different vendor to give my money. That was to be a losing proposition, so I just continued to Hold This.

There were a few places to get breakfast, like eggs, sausage, and bbq. Apparently bbq is what's for breakfast in God's Country. I do not have a single issue with this, so bbq it was, with some loaded fries, outside a railcar-turned food truck, in the recently started monsoon-ish wind and the clouds which had temporarily won the argument with the sun. It was romantic. We decided it was as romantic as we needed, whereas if it rained, we couldn't stand that much more romance.

I saw a drill press, next to some strange scented lotions, probably from QVC. I was compelled to look upon it's pressiness with manly appreciation, exclaiming that I wanted it.  What would I do with it, Dear? I have no idea... I could put it in the basement and tell people I had a 'shop' down there. Then show them the various holes I had drilled into my hands since I got it.

You know the stuff at flea markets, as do I. This flea market was no different, so naturally we had to look at everything. We are now the proud owners of a bunch of bizarre, loud, owl necklaces. Fortunately they're for a family member, as were the Daffy Duck glasses.

On the way home, we stopped at the dairy to get some ice cream for breakfast. We did well.

And nobody had any marks on them by the time we arrived home. Except for where the ice cream dripped.

HIGH PRIORITY - not kidding

If you're a Windows user, PATCH YOUR COMPUTER.

The NSA hoarded some Windows malware and it got leaked. Hundreds of thousands of PCs have been infected with ransomware. If you get infected, you will lose your files and see a demand for money.  Paying it may or may not get your files back.

PATCH YOUR COMPUTER!

Fred Astaire Reads This Blog

Actually there's no way to tell whether he does or does not. I'm going to err on the side of caution and let you know I'm making it up, lest I hear from his estate. Again.

• ThermionicEmissions is researching this: there is a report that Uber has a $63 helicopter option. Of course we don't use Uber due to tracking, location, and other nefarious actions, but isn't this interesting?

No, Dear, I did not sleep with that woman. It was the Russians.

• So there's the Crazy Lady next door, who has a hotline to the township, for reporting our suspected transgressions of The Rules.  She's having some sort of little rocks put on her property somewhere, and some of them fell onto our drive and walkway. I may need to call the township. This is clearly unreasonable and harassment.

Do you have an HP computer?  Check for this file: C:\Windows\System32\MicTray64.exe or C:\Windows\System32\MicTray.exe. If you have one of these, rename or delete it immediately. When that's done, look for C:\Users\Public\MicTray.log and delete it immediately. No one is taking blame for this yet, but this driver software, direct from HP, is a keylogger; it keeps a record of every key you type in the MicTray.log file. Every key. Passwords, financial, whatever.  It does not appear malicious at the time - more like bad programming on the part of the developer (Conexant). The log is deleted when you reboot, but can be used by many processes while running.

The program is an audio driver. When you rename or delete, it's possible that special keyboard keys will not work, which is the actual function of this driver.

This file will not show up if you're running linux [rim shot], as I do, on your HP computer.

• The US is about to announce a ban on laptops on carryon baggage on flights from the UK and Europe.  As in all cases of Security Theater<tm>, it appears baseless. Ignoring the people who are pissed off they can't use their own gear on a plane, any alleged explosives would cause just as big a problem in the cargo hold. Plus laptops are 'sniffed' at the checkpoint (mine was wiped with a swab and the TSA fellow told me they were looking for traces of explosives. I told him he'd get dog hair and that was it). Is this ok with you?
• Speaking of airports, Trump sped up the Facial Recognition program, where you will be scanned at all airports in the US eventually. This man is starting to become a hazard. Some would say he already was.

College costs getting you down? The University of Arizona is hiring "social justice activists" to "report any bias incidents or claims to appropriate Residence Life staff." Yes, the microaggression micromanagers can now get paid in something more than smug self-satisfaction. I predict an increase in the number of heads in toilets (swirlies) as this program gets underway. The sickening details are here.

Taylor Swift News

My relationship with Taylor Swift has been complex. No, not complex enough to wind up in one of her songs, nor to have John Mayer hanging out and commiserating (although if he wants to hang out, we can talk guitar).

Aside from her music, there seems to be no reason not to like her. She's attractive, tall and leggy, smiles a lot, seems to be a really nice person, and occasionally has nice hair.

Her music.. well... I'm not a teen/tween, so I'm waaay out of her target market. I've heard a tiny sampling of her songs and immediately requested their termination, as they screamed "You're Too Old" at anyone over sixteen.

But there's something... an unidentified something, lurking in the background. Something I cannot describe or put my finger on. Something odd. And when I have these intuitions, they're usually correct... sometimes it just takes a while to make it to the conscious level.

After much time, I think I've figured it out: she's a fembot.
Stay with me a moment.... there is a rush to design and market the first lifelike sex doll (which will cause a huge corresponding drop in internet traffic, as geeks and nerds swear off being teased by online women who do not exist). On the way to a final product, proof of concept and demo versions must be put together. I think Taylor is a prototype sex doll, only without the working parts for sex. They wanted to experiment and achieve a working human likeness first, before attaching Lifelike Female Plumbing.

I am not sure if her boobies contain machine guns, like the fembots in the Austin Powers movies, but eventually we'll see. Or we can check John Mayer for healed bullet holes.

Her fans aren't right either.

I bring you this information because I care.

• If you downloaded HandBrake for Mac over the weekend, there's a 50/50 chance you have a remote access trojan. Since we don't use Macs, this isn't an issue, fortunately.

I think this might be the ultimate bath accessory...

• A Wellsley college student has created a public database of professors who commit "ableist microaggressions" or fail to "respect" students' pronoun preferences.  It started out well and immediately degerated. These snowflakes are gonna be in for a rude awakening when they discover McDonalds will not allow a public database of managers who don't respect their pronoun preferences.

An Indian state has launched a cow ambulance service.  Because they're tired of the Muslims getting all the headlines.

• Faceyspaces is doing the lord's work: if you're in Thailand, FB will block your ability to see a picture of the king, in a crop top, with his tattoos visible.  I may sign up because of this.

North Carolina has passed a bill protecting drivers who hit protesters on the road.  It's open season, folks- mow em down!

• BULLETIN: WINDOWS - There's a pretty nasty bug, which was discovered, sent to Microsoft, and fixed within 3 days. Details at the link. A patch will be sent to your PC ahead of schedule.

Our Next Long-Term National Nightmare...

Let me start off with some bright news: healthcare breaches hit an all time high in 2016. At five months into 2017, would you care to guess which way that trend is heading? From my memories of working in healthcare, we're pretty much screwed.

• As I type, there is a noise like a 100 pound bee coming from another floor. It has depth like no other. A quick search of archival memory brings back last year, when the wife told me this noise was spooking her and the dog (back when the dog could hear). A window is open, apparently creating currents of air so strong that it's playing songs with the miniblinds, like some sort of gargantuan kazoo. In addition to normal human laziness, I'm typing and don't want to be bothered with the alleged musical instrument, but it's so loud even the mostly deaf Marshall can hear it.
• I've mentioned trash before too. It's less immense for me than mowing but still annoying. I'm a big boy, though... I don't have to be reminded constantly. The Crazy Lady next door found out that cans can't be put out til 7:30 the previous evening, so she stands out there with her atomic time standard and her clipboard, waiting to POUNCE on getting those babies to the curb by 7:31. And after they're collected, they're put back precisely where they came from and ready for next week's assault before the truck is two houses down.
• Speaking of trucks, I've worked out that there are three very loud trucks that come to collect cans, every trash day. I know this because when I'm off work, each one of them wakes all the dead at the cemetary a few blocks down. After further thought, and further leaping out of bed, screaming, I realized there are not three, but six trucks in the morning, as they take care of the other side of the street.
• Just to make matters more amusing, someone is having yardwork or something done, necessitating very loud construction gear. Very loud construction gear. It might be tree-related, which means it's only a matter of time until the Industrial Tree Chipper comes into play, like a mighty present buzzsaw, with loud spikes.  A coworker often tells me about her h fantasy of putting her ex into one of these, so I know it can be done.
• Oh wait - correction... the loud noises also have something to do with stones. A humongous pile of them got dropped in the drive, and the time since has been spent shoveling them. Ever hear Repeated Stone Shoveling? It's American Water Torture.
• This might come as a surprise to you, but I'm off work today. As I type, I can hear the kazoos, with their swan song. As God is my witness, I will stop this minor annoyance!

If you're an IBM or Lenovo Storwize customer, IBM wants you to locate that flash drive they sent you and feed it to the cat. Apparently it has malware on it. Oopsie.

• A pair of Pennsylvania medical clinics have reported a 'privacy incident'. They determined that in March, a person "could potentially have accessed" data on their systems. There is no evidence that they did.   Let's dance, shall we?

If you feel your android phone needs optimizing, do not install Full Optimizer or Full Optimizer Lite from Google Play - they're full of malware and only show ads. Your phone really doesn't need optimizing. Install Android Assistant to clean it up weekly (among its other talents) and Malwarebytes to run scans for junk.

• In the latest set of public excuses as to why she lost, Hillary Clinton blames the FBI letter and "Russian WikiLeaks".  Somebody should explain to her that the election was over in November and she lost.  Even after the George W Bush Hanging Chad Miami Fiasco, the crying didn't go on this long. You'd think simply having Chelsea omnipresent in the news would be enough for her. Someone has to take over...

Some poor fella was just struck by lightning. He's alive, in the hospital, and has a rather ugly red mark from neck to below his waist. He also has another lasting trophy: a permanent erection.  In unrelated news, there is a line of nurses outside his door, stretching back to the front of the hospital. An anonymous female charity group has paid off his hospital bill, and doctors have advised him that if his erection lasts longer than 4 days, to call a dating service and have them show up at hourly intervals.

• At a fast food expo in the Netherlands, two Dutch pranksters served McDonald's food, cut into pieces and skewered with toothpicks, and then told attendees that that they were eating an organic product. Participants described the taste of the samples as being very rich, and very pure. the link goes to a YouTube video in Dutch, but subtitled. One day, I want to pull off something on this level.

On this day in 1991, Texas governor Ann Richards declared ZZ Top day.

• Remember in the last post I reported that the NSA is suspending collection of US data because it referenced a foreign target?  Check out this article on how they collected data on 151m Americans.

Yes, I could've written this, but no, I didn't. A female UCLA student and member of MENSA has developed an IQ of 220 after drinking sperm for a year. Her original IQ was 154 and she was already a MENSA member.

The article details her decision to go with this method. Her new IQ makes her smarter than Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, and Leonardo DiVinci. Also listed are some benefits of sperm ingestion.

You have to know I didn't let this news go to waste, alerting Mrs. lefty, who promptly told me to "get chugging." Witty as this was, I was forced to remind her that my IQ is several points ahead of hers.

You can tell neither of us belongs to MENSA because there is a regulation that you tell people you're in MENSA within five minutes of meeting them (similar to the Vegan Rule).

Judging by the story on Yoko Ono admitting to a lesbian affair with Hillary Clinton, this 'newspaper' is probably more of an entertainment source than pure news. The story above on the lightning strike came from the same source.

• One of our charities is Oldies But Goodies. It's a Virginia-based non-profit that finds homes for old cockers.  We're on their mailing list, having donated and because we're stupid enough to keep reading their emails (which would make Sarah McLachlin shoot herself). The latest is about Snoopy, who's 12. His owner died and family members took him to a vet to be put down. The vet refused, saying Snoopy had much life left in him. So the relatives dumped him at a shelter.
• Not. Human.

======================================




I don't like to mow the lawn.
You might remember this from paragraphs to entire blog posts, ranting on this topic. In fact, there are an awful lot of activities I prefer to mowing:

• chewing razorblades
• dating dead people
• eating stinky cheese in a pit of fire
• a quiet weekend with my cannibal in-laws

My wife, dear smart woman that she is, figured out I don't like mowing (after ten years of forcing me to do it at gunpoint) and went in search of a solution. We can't afford a service and don't really have a lot of grass.

My nemesis in life, the mower, is seriously a great piece of hardware. And when I say great, I mean the engine still runs after ten years. Almost out of the box, the throttle cable broke. I purchased a replacement, which of course did not work at all, even after I did a remarkable job of attaching the cable to the handle. So I had to devise a custom rig that would keep the throttle open enough to run the bastard. This involved a pair of locking pliers and a foot of wire. Also about 30 minutes of screaming per effort. Suffice it to say the neighbors, even the very old ones, learned some interesting new vocabulary words.

Don't let my technical words and inventive solution fool you - I should not be allowed near a mower (or under the hood of a car). My solution was somewhat less than optimal, in that it lasted for less time than I needed to complete the mowing, resulting in a second case of interesting verbal output.

I am mortally terrified of going to the dentist. Even though I can generally allow him to work on my mouth, the other 2/3 of my body keeps trying to escape. I would gladly spend some quality time in his chair than mow. It's ridiculous and illogical but it's reality.

Alas, the seasons took their effect on the mower: the engine started every year, but the body got cancer and I'm afraid it won't support the engine much longer.

Just the other day I was advised that a box would be appearing. Boxes appear at my house all the time.  I gave up on asking years ago, as the answer would only frustrate me. Just the other day an outdoor gazebo/tent thingie appeared. No one knows why but I thought I caught a glimpse of the dog with a sly grin on his face.

The box arrived shortly thereafter. It was a new mower. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or give it back to the poor driver. I was 'urged' to put it together, as that's generally the safest task, as opposed to me actually using the device. It was battery-operated, with a cute battery that looked like a car battery that was left in a dryer and shrunk to 1/3 normal size. It was also considerable more narrow than any mower I have ever seen, generating complaints because I'd have to mow more rows. After getting halfway done, I realized the instructions, which made Ikea instructions look like fine literature, failed to mention that the handle needed to be attached in only one direction. And look at me - I was cursing before even running the little bastard for the first time.

Once again the wife outsmarted me. She hired a neighbor's kid to use the new Infernal Device. He was thrilled to get paid for what he has to do at home for free and eagerly took the job. In fact, he just got done.

I have never been happier in my life.

I guess it's time to start using my dental insurance now.

The New Wave: Symbolic Protest

The Yale Graduate Student Union is holding a symbolic hunger strike. What's a symbolic hunger strike? Students can leave and get food when they're hungry.  This is likely to take off into a worldwide phenomenon. Personally I'm going to hold a symbolic sleepless protest, where I can go to bed when I'm tired.

• Hacking has taken on a whole new meaning. Somebody got hold of ten episodes of 'Orange is the New Black' and demanded a ransom from Netflix. Netflix refused and the hacker leaked the episodes. Before you ask, I do not have the location.

Australia is the land of animals you never want to see, no handguns, and privacy erosions the likes of which you also never want to see. They have a thrilling and incredibly sad legal framework in which they can get at least the metadata of all phone use, including VPN or encrypted information. Same in the US, actually. Metadata does not reveal what's in the message; it reveals FROM, TO, TIME, which comes in handy in investigations. Happy Day to all.

• Let's talk stats: 
• the majority of traffic came from the US and France
• the top browsers used were Chrome and Firefox
• the top operating systems were Windows and linux
• number of visits.... well... let's say that I appreciate you coming by

Speaking of brain cells, here are four hacks to grow your brain cells.  I'm particularly fond of number four, except where it says it improves cognitive functions in dementia. I'm not going to suggest this to my mother.

• Twas a good day to stay out of Texas today
• Dallas: EMT shot, manhunt happening
• Austin: UT-Austin, 4 stabbed, 1 dead, suspect in custody
• Sensitive College Student: I felt very unsafe when Campus Carry passed. Oops, this was a knife.

Our good friends at Faceyspaces used algorithms to collect data on 6.4 million Australian children under the age of 14, based upon their emotional state for targeted advertising. Leaping to accept responsibility, Faceyspaces says the use of the algorithm was an 'oversight'. There is a reason I refer to FB as the Front Page of the NSA. They got caught here... what else do you think is going on? What other data harvested? Who else marketed to? Please don't make me say I told you so.

• The NSA is ending its controversial warrantless surveillance program. This is spying - I mean surveillance on any communication that references a target outside the country. You believe them, right? They wouldn't lie to us, would they? They're completely above board, aren't they?

The Trump crowd is boycotting Starbucks due to the owner's actions. I boycott Starbucks because it sucks (Peet's for me). Last night we wanted to leave the domicile, as we are wont to do once a month. Barnes&Noble was the decision and they have a Starbucks in house. Since we do enjoy a frappucino now and then and since we went from 50 to 80+ degrees in a few days, this seemed like a good idea.

Well, right up til we sat down.

Almost immediately after we sat in the uncomfortable seats, I heard loud, urgent talking, which morphed into loud, urgent, constant whining. A child of tweenish age was complaining to some adult about her parents not letting her do anything. They sat down and it continued in its loud, urgent tone. At one point the adult told her to lower her voice, bless her, but it went right back up to the Kill Level. It seemed like she had some sort of psych issue and wasn't dealing well with limitations imposed by it. 

I'm trying to read a magazine to glean some information but had great difficulty due to the volume of her aural assault. My first thought was to take the Ironic Approach and go to her table to explain that my A.D.D. prevents me from reading when there is loud noise. Once in a while I manage to moderate myself, yearly, and I'm proud to say this was my effort for 2017. 

I didn't have much time until The Loud Couple appeared at a closer table and had a loud discussion about what kind of drinks were available, loudly questioning some of the flavors. Her loudness was the major irritant but it served to make his volume, and irritant level, that much louder.

Fortunately this calmed down, so Loud Child could become the Lone Irritant.

But not for long.

I heard very loud breathing next to me, as an older fellow, possibly missing a lung, and/or a heavy smoker, started rearranging the table. He pulled it out six inches from its original location, and started placing Stuff and napkins about the table. The breathing was very loud, and went breath, awhhhhhhh, breath, awhhhhh.

Meanwhile the child continued, with brief interruptions from the Loud Couple.

And in back of me, two loud students were flummoxed by the tables not being large enough, using their student brains to come up with pushing two tables together. They must have been engineering students. Mind you, there were two of them, plus a laptop, so with tables for four, I was unable to see an issue. Fortunately the debate raged no further.

I remember wondering if these people were raised in barns, by wolves.  I was taught to be considerate by a considerate mom, so when I go to places like this, I don't use my booming voice. Apparently I'm the only one. The only surprise was why a spontaneous basketball game or small heavy metal concert didn't break out while I was finishing my drink.








I had some killer pictures to upload, just to bring a smile or a frown. Unfortunately, something changed and I can no longer upload graphics or sometimes even log in, from about six browsers. Thanks guys!