Last night, PA Attorney General Josh Shapiro, Governor Tom Wolfe, and the PA State Police sued the manufacturer of 3d printed gun plans. They have, in effect, stifled free speech. To make it less suspicious, after the middle of the night court appearance, they got the manufacturer to block Pennsylvania on the internet.
Citizens have a right to bear arms. Information has a right to be free. That's the First and Second Amendment right there. This is authoritarian behavior. People in PA own guns.
What happens the next time there's a secret meeting in a courthouse and they decide they don't like something else that's already guaranteed to the citizens of PA? Or your state? Will they stop other information from entering your state? They have the power to decide what you can and can't read and own. Gun grabbing must stop. It's a slippery slope.
The Second Amendment doesn't allow us to have guns; this is a natural right. It protects us from government encroachment on our rights. The upset of police does not supersede our ownership rights. This is another whack at natural rights.
I don't own guns. I do want to protect our rights and so should you.
CBS News
Organized Gun Grabbers
CBS Local
President Trump allows printed guns
Wikipedia - 3d Printed Firearms
Monday, July 30, 2018
Snakes Damn Near On A Plane
Lest you think I have only doubts about the TSA's ability to find its hand in front of its face... a woman traveling from Miami to Barbados was stopped because of 'biomass' inside an electronic device. Investigating further, the woman had put a ball python inside a hard drive (must've been a really large hard drive). So let me make amends to the TSA: The TSA cannot find its hand in front of its face, but they are perfectly capable of finding a snake in a hard drive. They also nailed my mother with too much water to take on the plane. She could overhydrate.
A hacker from a South American country put some files up for sale on the Dark Web. Investigation was done and the files turned out to be important information on IEDs, a Reaper drone, and an Abrams tank. He couldn't sell anything because he didn't know what he had, where to sell it, and how to price it.
The takeaway here is that if you work on a military base and your computer is hooked to the net, change the default user login/password from ADMIN/PASSWORD to something else. Anything else. You blithering idiot. The captain had just completed a cybersecurity class.
The people at the very top don't. The people in the middle can't, even with classes. The Great Unwashed has no clue whatsoever and just doesn't care. This is why we have a cybersecurity problem. This and really crappy devices from manufacturers that don't care.
Marshall's ashes are ready. He'll be coming home soon.
He will sit in the living room, where he can keep an eye on us.
It still hurts in ways I can't describe.
Faceyspaces has been fined $663,000 for failure to protect its users' personal information.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Boy, Zuck is going to feel THAT.
Morally, if not legally, they didn't fail to protect its users' personal information so much as sell it for their own profit.
- Yeah, we're not all that fond of Google, but occasionally they hit the nail on the head: their phones are updated. They're now working on eliminating junk phone calls, unsolicited or robocalls. Some of the industry solutions not only keep you from being bothered, they actively bother the caller. They keep the phone spammer (human or machine) on the phone so long, it can cut into their profits. This is a uniquely annoying and hilarious bit of revenge.
- Remember, unless you have a previous business relationship, a company may not call you. Robocalling is illegal. Put yourself on the Do Not Call list.
A hacker from a South American country put some files up for sale on the Dark Web. Investigation was done and the files turned out to be important information on IEDs, a Reaper drone, and an Abrams tank. He couldn't sell anything because he didn't know what he had, where to sell it, and how to price it.
The takeaway here is that if you work on a military base and your computer is hooked to the net, change the default user login/password from ADMIN/PASSWORD to something else. Anything else. You blithering idiot. The captain had just completed a cybersecurity class.
The people at the very top don't. The people in the middle can't, even with classes. The Great Unwashed has no clue whatsoever and just doesn't care. This is why we have a cybersecurity problem. This and really crappy devices from manufacturers that don't care.
- My sweet elderly neighbor likes to sit in her yard and soak in the atmosphere. One of her talents is the ability to do this while completely ignoring our atmosphere. I can tell when she's out because there's a bright red Hawaiian chair she sits in. Today I noticed she changed the Hawaiian cover to a blue one. This woman changes her outdoor chair cover. I can barely change my clothes.
- She is the one who fed Marshall all these years. She'd lob hot dogs at him. When he couldn't see her, he'd WOOF and she'd come out. We had to explain to him that it didn't work at 2am.
Marshall's ashes are ready. He'll be coming home soon.
He will sit in the living room, where he can keep an eye on us.
It still hurts in ways I can't describe.
Because I made the mistake of registering for a seminar, I've been receiving no end of spam. Since it's major company spam, I look for the opt-out link, even though I never opted in. Good, I think to myself... the end of these emails. And then they send me an email to confirm I won't get more email. Is it just me?
- Another in the increasing spate of unbelievably annoying commercials: "I drink Diet Coke. It's super good." Super good? Whatever the ad agency was on, please keep it away from the rest of humanity.
Among the many people I don't like is Jeff Goldblum. It was almost instant. Everything worked out really well because he's a movie star, so unless I went to a movie, I was unlikely to be annoyed by him. In a bid to outwit and frustrate me more, he's doing tv commercials. Some stars do it for the money... not Jeff. No, Jeff's doing it to annoy me. He doesn't need the money. Smug bastard.
- I'm getting a lot of traffic from Russia. I hope they're not using ThermionicEmissions to influence the next election.
- Sorry about that.
- Welcome, people from Russia. You probably got here by mistake.
We're at the 61st anniversary of the crash at Roswell. The city is jammed with celebration and people from out of state. Sadly, it was announced that this is Stanton Friedman's last hurrah; he is retiring. I don't begrudge him retirement... he's been working on the ufo mystery ever since he was young. He's the grandfather of ufo research; a nuclear physicist who applies scientific principles to the study. Stanton has done unbelievable amounts of research on Roswell. Next time someone tells you it was any of the three things the government took turns blaming, remember there are about 400 witnesses and interviews.
Stanton is about 84 and recently had some heart difficulty. He'll remain a very popular figure in the ufo research field. Godspeed, Mr. Friedman.
According to the History Channel, Thanksgiving didn't go entirely as we learned. The Indians were not invited; they showed up in twice the number as the Pilgrims. There was no turkey; the Indians brought a gift of venison. The Pilgrims would have been in church that day.
History, as they say, is written by the victors and can't be trusted. History is also not set by the History Channel. It has nothing to do with aliens, Giorgio.
I can't reveal my sources but this is how it went down: the Pilgrims invited the Indians. The Indians brought cold cuts and beer. It took quite a while to explain the meaning of 'orgy' to the Indians. So they all smoked peace pipe, got down to (everyone else's) business, then feasted on cold cuts and root beer, with enough fermentation to wipe out most of the guests. Then the time of the Great Napping began. This was actually relayed down the years in Indian history. Since the Indians pass down history in song, we had to decode the meaning of this special song: "Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight. Get down tonight."
Another myth dispelled by Indian lore is the story of the YMCA. There was no Indian in the group, and if there were, he was totally straight.
Stanton is about 84 and recently had some heart difficulty. He'll remain a very popular figure in the ufo research field. Godspeed, Mr. Friedman.
According to the History Channel, Thanksgiving didn't go entirely as we learned. The Indians were not invited; they showed up in twice the number as the Pilgrims. There was no turkey; the Indians brought a gift of venison. The Pilgrims would have been in church that day.
History, as they say, is written by the victors and can't be trusted. History is also not set by the History Channel. It has nothing to do with aliens, Giorgio.
I can't reveal my sources but this is how it went down: the Pilgrims invited the Indians. The Indians brought cold cuts and beer. It took quite a while to explain the meaning of 'orgy' to the Indians. So they all smoked peace pipe, got down to (everyone else's) business, then feasted on cold cuts and root beer, with enough fermentation to wipe out most of the guests. Then the time of the Great Napping began. This was actually relayed down the years in Indian history. Since the Indians pass down history in song, we had to decode the meaning of this special song: "Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight. Get down tonight."
Another myth dispelled by Indian lore is the story of the YMCA. There was no Indian in the group, and if there were, he was totally straight.
- I got a text from my cell carrier, saying I was signed up for Program X, and I could go to this url to set my options. It was legit so I went to the site. Some new exciting program that looked a lot like an old boring program was mentioned. It looked halfway ok, then I discovered there was a monthly charge. I was not happy.
- It took about half an hour to locate a correct service number. When I called, the very polite service person told me that I had opted in. No, Dear, I'm not what you'd call an opter-inner. She told me to check my texts. I humored her and didn't find a text. She claimed she had the text and apologetically offered to cancel everything.
- So be careful about this. And by all means, go online to your providers page, create or sign into your account, then look for the privacy section. SHUT DOWN all BS about advertising and anything else you don't wish to happen. The carriers assume you opt-in and you have to manually opt out. This happens because they're greedy and have lobbyists with stacks of cash. I was signed up to have my location shared with a third party.
Faceyspaces has been fined $663,000 for failure to protect its users' personal information.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Boy, Zuck is going to feel THAT.
Morally, if not legally, they didn't fail to protect its users' personal information so much as sell it for their own profit.
Thursday, July 26, 2018
But Who Will MOW? [shopping edition]
There are indications that Hillary Clinton is planning a 2020 run.
It has been pointed out that in the past, I have been unkind to her. In order to make things fair, I have put together some campaign slogans for her, which she's welcome to use as my gift:
"lefty must've ordered something online."
How do you know?
"He seems very very mad and is about to unleash it on the blog."
For a moment there, I was the AntiTech: electrons somehow flowed around me, refusing to come near enough to actually perform any useful work.
I knew we needed Jeff Beck tickets - the concert is coming up. Missing Jeff Beck is unthinkable. It's a religious pilgrimage. Nobody in the house retains well, so I was all set to go, when I finally remembered what happens when I try to spend money online.... good friggin' luck. I really need to make notes with what finally worked, although that's subject to change.
So I started to shake a little, feeling that dread in the pit of my stomach, as if I had somehow signed up to fight Mike Tyson. Only Mike Tyson can theoretically be beaten: ticket vendors cannot. There is a distinct prejudice against linux, no matter what they tell you. They say to use X or Y browser. Here's some news, guys.. neither of them work, but they fail in different places.
On linux, my wide open browser, with no protection, accepting cookies, did not work. The next one found seats(!), let me select them, then sat there, with "Getting your seats ready" on the screen. Five minutes later, I used a Windows machine to do the same thing. It got past the hump and even to where I pay! I put in my credit card information, hit PURCHASE, then it told me I hadn't selected a card. Of course I selected a card - I spend the last few minutes typing in my information. To make this more fun, there is a timer. If you exceed the allotted time, it releases your seats and you have to start over again. So I typed in my info again, and again it told me I needed to put in payment info. I'm using Internet Explorer here, folks... what's the problem? I exceeded the time limit and was well past the end of my patience. There was much screaming.
I gave up on the first browser, which was still "Getting your seats ready" and tried a third browser, this time on linux. FINALLY I managed to select AND pay for the tickets. I felt like a conquering hero. A conquering hero who was completely beyond anyone's tolerance for absolute friggin' nonsense. I was ready to set fire to an orphanage by this point, Live Nation. All I had to do was print the tickets. You know where this is going, right? No paper. Reach down to a convenient pack of paper, pull out a handful of paper. With holes punched in it. Apparently you can buy pre-punched paper by the ream, not that I remember buying any. Go into next room to a pile of paper and promptly knock over a bunch of paper, none of it blank. The next pile was bright red paper, which is always welcome by the nice folks at the door. Finally got the white paper and printed two sets of tickets; the second to keep in the car when I forget the originals but am already at the stadium. Sometimes I outsmart myself.
So it's the next day and I am instructed to pick up some food at the store.
At the store, I call Wife to ask a question. Nothing. Zip. Not a ring. Hmmm... maybe it's my phone. Nope, good signal. Try again.... right to voicemail. Try a third time.. nothing. People ask my wife to let them know when I go food shopping because they like to watch what happens when I get agitated. We've all seen some person talking on a phone in a store. We haven't all seen someone using the phone as a sledgehammer, banging it on shelves and the floor, cursing up a cloud of #*@&@#%^ and questioning his effect on the universe. Just leave the kids at home, ok folks?
At home, I casually mention I called four times. When I say casually mention, I mean her hair actually blew horizontally and stayed there for 15 minutes, while she covered her ears from the sheer volume. "But my phone has been right here the whole time and hasn't rung." I believe her. I show her my outgoing call log. She believes me.
Fifteen minutes later I discover that someone 'assisted' her by putting the phone on airplane mode so she could rest. There is no bit of helpful technology that we can't screw up.
We already know I take a lot of crap for my socks. They're white bloody socks - how offensive or silly could they possibly be? They're the wrong height. I think they're supposed to either disappear into my shoe or come to my knees, like a gang member. Homey don't play dat. If I can buy the socks at CostCo, they're obviously not from the previous century.
It's time for some shorts and tank shirts. Since were just past the first major heat wave, I'm afraid the stores won't be carrying shorts now.. perhaps fall or winter gear. Cuz you don't want to buy summer clothes in the summer. And after I buy them, they're going to be the wrong length. Fortunately I won't take a lot of ribbing because I rarely leave the house. Because I grew up when I grew up, my shorts came down to roughly half my calf. Unfortunately someone decided that men's shorts needed to come to their knees or lower, like some sort of a skirt, again for gang members (or transvestites). I retain some shorts from before, but I am forbidden to wear them outside the house. Fair enough. I don't want to be the Weird Dude who wears 'child molester' shorts. I have two pairs of shorts in skirt length, in case I get caught out of doors.
My wife, a very smart and tolerant woman, enables me by finding swim shorts, which don't come in skirt length. Then I get laughed at for being out of the house in a bathing suit. Are you seeing a pattern here? Using our collective gray matter, we figured a 2nd hand store might be the place for me. People dumping their clothes from the 70s and 80s might agree with my very advanced fashion sense. Let's face it: it's only a matter of time til they come back in style, as if they were new and no one had ever seen them before. Of course it's difficult to get to the 2nd hand store when you're voluntarily agoraphobic and your wife is 12 hours behind your schedule. I'm typing, it's sunny out, and she's sleeping. I'm starting to think, after 20 years, it's personal. I catch on quick.
Knowing two of us being awake and leaving the house is something that just can't happen due to laws of physics, it was suggested I go online. Since I catch on real gud, it's only just occurring to me what a boon online shopping is. Never mind that a former VP at work said she loved it, about 20 years ago. Never mind that you can't try it on - just return it! There are pictures, largely indicating the shorts are not as short as I want, but still not extreme skirts. I like the concept of finding what you want by typing it in. Sometimes I'm really confused at the results for shorts, though...
Then there's the bike shorts (padded or no). For some reason, you are not allowed to get on a bicycle without these shorts. I know a female who wears these. I don't laugh at her because she wears them well. Since I don't ride a bike or even own a helmet, I'm not wearing those shorts. Oh yeah, no one wants to see me in them either. I'd get arrested, then the entire local police force would laugh at me. There are cargo shorts too. They seem ok to me, but are the butt of 25% of the jokes on social media, so they're out. There are running shorts, stretch shorts, flat front shorts (the others aren't flat in the front?), performance shorts, Wyoming shorts (presumably not available in 48 states and New Jersey), and one that sounds particularly like shorts I should have: dry print attack shorts. Shorts... FETCH! Shorts... ATTACK! In blue camo, no less. I have a soft spot for Ted Nugent but I ain't wearing his shorts. Tri shorts, golf shorts, Pounce short, and of course, workout fashion comfy shorts. So close.. if they just called them comfy shorts, I'd buy them. Workout shorts sound like they expect too much from me, and I wouldn't be caught dead in anything called fashion. I lead trends; I do not follow. Yes, I lead from 20 years back, but dammit, I still lead.
I had a much easier time with men's tank shirts. Or at least I thought I did. They kinda screwed up by making the models look fit. The ones that weren't fit had muscles on their muscles and looked like their day job involved pulling tree stumps from the ground by hand. They called them athletic shirts. They'd sell more if they called them couch shirts. Or dad shirts. Or no air conditioning shirts.
There's one thing I will not buy online: sneakers. It's not that I have a complex, difficult to fit foot.... it's that I have flat feet. And when I say flat feet, I mean the National Institute of Science and Technology uses my feet as a reference standard for flat. Companies calibrate delicate equipment to my feet. They're kinda wide too. Like a triple Q. I'm told many people wear a size 11 3/4. You'll like this: the best fitting sneakers I found are at CostCo. Of course they are - everything good comes from CostCo. My brother went in for hot dogs and came out with an airplane. However, CostCo got wind of my affinity for their sneakers and promptly stopped carrying them. They won't tell me that.. instead they claim they're out of stock and will be back 'in about a week or two.' They ask if I'd like a track shoe or a running shoe. Again, the marketing mistake. I want a sitting on the couch with the laptop shoe. Or an occasionally going to the kitchen for a soda shoe. The most heavy shoe I'll need is the going to Dairy Queen for a malt shoe.
It has been pointed out that in the past, I have been unkind to her. In order to make things fair, I have put together some campaign slogans for her, which she's welcome to use as my gift:
- Lean and Mean: I only eat 4 babies a day
- Clinton/Cheney 2020: Satan is on our side
- Because Queen Elizabath ain't the only reptilian on the planet
- My husband fucked a lot of ugly women. I'm going to fuck you ALL.
"lefty must've ordered something online."
How do you know?
"He seems very very mad and is about to unleash it on the blog."
For a moment there, I was the AntiTech: electrons somehow flowed around me, refusing to come near enough to actually perform any useful work.
I knew we needed Jeff Beck tickets - the concert is coming up. Missing Jeff Beck is unthinkable. It's a religious pilgrimage. Nobody in the house retains well, so I was all set to go, when I finally remembered what happens when I try to spend money online.... good friggin' luck. I really need to make notes with what finally worked, although that's subject to change.
So I started to shake a little, feeling that dread in the pit of my stomach, as if I had somehow signed up to fight Mike Tyson. Only Mike Tyson can theoretically be beaten: ticket vendors cannot. There is a distinct prejudice against linux, no matter what they tell you. They say to use X or Y browser. Here's some news, guys.. neither of them work, but they fail in different places.
On linux, my wide open browser, with no protection, accepting cookies, did not work. The next one found seats(!), let me select them, then sat there, with "Getting your seats ready" on the screen. Five minutes later, I used a Windows machine to do the same thing. It got past the hump and even to where I pay! I put in my credit card information, hit PURCHASE, then it told me I hadn't selected a card. Of course I selected a card - I spend the last few minutes typing in my information. To make this more fun, there is a timer. If you exceed the allotted time, it releases your seats and you have to start over again. So I typed in my info again, and again it told me I needed to put in payment info. I'm using Internet Explorer here, folks... what's the problem? I exceeded the time limit and was well past the end of my patience. There was much screaming.
I gave up on the first browser, which was still "Getting your seats ready" and tried a third browser, this time on linux. FINALLY I managed to select AND pay for the tickets. I felt like a conquering hero. A conquering hero who was completely beyond anyone's tolerance for absolute friggin' nonsense. I was ready to set fire to an orphanage by this point, Live Nation. All I had to do was print the tickets. You know where this is going, right? No paper. Reach down to a convenient pack of paper, pull out a handful of paper. With holes punched in it. Apparently you can buy pre-punched paper by the ream, not that I remember buying any. Go into next room to a pile of paper and promptly knock over a bunch of paper, none of it blank. The next pile was bright red paper, which is always welcome by the nice folks at the door. Finally got the white paper and printed two sets of tickets; the second to keep in the car when I forget the originals but am already at the stadium. Sometimes I outsmart myself.
So it's the next day and I am instructed to pick up some food at the store.
At the store, I call Wife to ask a question. Nothing. Zip. Not a ring. Hmmm... maybe it's my phone. Nope, good signal. Try again.... right to voicemail. Try a third time.. nothing. People ask my wife to let them know when I go food shopping because they like to watch what happens when I get agitated. We've all seen some person talking on a phone in a store. We haven't all seen someone using the phone as a sledgehammer, banging it on shelves and the floor, cursing up a cloud of #*@&@#%^ and questioning his effect on the universe. Just leave the kids at home, ok folks?
At home, I casually mention I called four times. When I say casually mention, I mean her hair actually blew horizontally and stayed there for 15 minutes, while she covered her ears from the sheer volume. "But my phone has been right here the whole time and hasn't rung." I believe her. I show her my outgoing call log. She believes me.
Fifteen minutes later I discover that someone 'assisted' her by putting the phone on airplane mode so she could rest. There is no bit of helpful technology that we can't screw up.
We already know I take a lot of crap for my socks. They're white bloody socks - how offensive or silly could they possibly be? They're the wrong height. I think they're supposed to either disappear into my shoe or come to my knees, like a gang member. Homey don't play dat. If I can buy the socks at CostCo, they're obviously not from the previous century.
It's time for some shorts and tank shirts. Since were just past the first major heat wave, I'm afraid the stores won't be carrying shorts now.. perhaps fall or winter gear. Cuz you don't want to buy summer clothes in the summer. And after I buy them, they're going to be the wrong length. Fortunately I won't take a lot of ribbing because I rarely leave the house. Because I grew up when I grew up, my shorts came down to roughly half my calf. Unfortunately someone decided that men's shorts needed to come to their knees or lower, like some sort of a skirt, again for gang members (or transvestites). I retain some shorts from before, but I am forbidden to wear them outside the house. Fair enough. I don't want to be the Weird Dude who wears 'child molester' shorts. I have two pairs of shorts in skirt length, in case I get caught out of doors.
My wife, a very smart and tolerant woman, enables me by finding swim shorts, which don't come in skirt length. Then I get laughed at for being out of the house in a bathing suit. Are you seeing a pattern here? Using our collective gray matter, we figured a 2nd hand store might be the place for me. People dumping their clothes from the 70s and 80s might agree with my very advanced fashion sense. Let's face it: it's only a matter of time til they come back in style, as if they were new and no one had ever seen them before. Of course it's difficult to get to the 2nd hand store when you're voluntarily agoraphobic and your wife is 12 hours behind your schedule. I'm typing, it's sunny out, and she's sleeping. I'm starting to think, after 20 years, it's personal. I catch on quick.
Knowing two of us being awake and leaving the house is something that just can't happen due to laws of physics, it was suggested I go online. Since I catch on real gud, it's only just occurring to me what a boon online shopping is. Never mind that a former VP at work said she loved it, about 20 years ago. Never mind that you can't try it on - just return it! There are pictures, largely indicating the shorts are not as short as I want, but still not extreme skirts. I like the concept of finding what you want by typing it in. Sometimes I'm really confused at the results for shorts, though...
 |
| NO. |
 |
| makes your package look bigger. Buy 2 for your bra! |
 |
| CHILDREN visit Amazon |
 |
| searching for men's shorts? |
Then there's the bike shorts (padded or no). For some reason, you are not allowed to get on a bicycle without these shorts. I know a female who wears these. I don't laugh at her because she wears them well. Since I don't ride a bike or even own a helmet, I'm not wearing those shorts. Oh yeah, no one wants to see me in them either. I'd get arrested, then the entire local police force would laugh at me. There are cargo shorts too. They seem ok to me, but are the butt of 25% of the jokes on social media, so they're out. There are running shorts, stretch shorts, flat front shorts (the others aren't flat in the front?), performance shorts, Wyoming shorts (presumably not available in 48 states and New Jersey), and one that sounds particularly like shorts I should have: dry print attack shorts. Shorts... FETCH! Shorts... ATTACK! In blue camo, no less. I have a soft spot for Ted Nugent but I ain't wearing his shorts. Tri shorts, golf shorts, Pounce short, and of course, workout fashion comfy shorts. So close.. if they just called them comfy shorts, I'd buy them. Workout shorts sound like they expect too much from me, and I wouldn't be caught dead in anything called fashion. I lead trends; I do not follow. Yes, I lead from 20 years back, but dammit, I still lead.
I had a much easier time with men's tank shirts. Or at least I thought I did. They kinda screwed up by making the models look fit. The ones that weren't fit had muscles on their muscles and looked like their day job involved pulling tree stumps from the ground by hand. They called them athletic shirts. They'd sell more if they called them couch shirts. Or dad shirts. Or no air conditioning shirts.
There's one thing I will not buy online: sneakers. It's not that I have a complex, difficult to fit foot.... it's that I have flat feet. And when I say flat feet, I mean the National Institute of Science and Technology uses my feet as a reference standard for flat. Companies calibrate delicate equipment to my feet. They're kinda wide too. Like a triple Q. I'm told many people wear a size 11 3/4. You'll like this: the best fitting sneakers I found are at CostCo. Of course they are - everything good comes from CostCo. My brother went in for hot dogs and came out with an airplane. However, CostCo got wind of my affinity for their sneakers and promptly stopped carrying them. They won't tell me that.. instead they claim they're out of stock and will be back 'in about a week or two.' They ask if I'd like a track shoe or a running shoe. Again, the marketing mistake. I want a sitting on the couch with the laptop shoe. Or an occasionally going to the kitchen for a soda shoe. The most heavy shoe I'll need is the going to Dairy Queen for a malt shoe.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Race to the Bottom. We Lost.
There was some nightmare show on tv about the poor fella who has four wives. Depending on how you feel about this, he has three or four wives too many. Regardless, it's his funeral.
Not to be outdone, I just saw an ad for My Five Wives.
What form of serial insanity is this?
A cynic would note that one of these women is not even better looking than the next. Perhaps he waits til one drives him nuts, then goes to the next one. These shows will stop when they head to the middle east, where some have lots and lots of wives. The logical conclusion is another series of tv shows, where men get counseling after they come to their senses. I Had Fifteen Wives.
Dr. Phil: What were you thinking?
Guest: I wasn't.
An online gambling site advises you to gamble responsibly. For years, liquor companies advise you to drink responsibly. This is caused by lawyers. Most things are caused by lawyers.
How does one gamble responsibly? Only lose half the rent?
How does one drink responsibly? Drive home really quickly?
Certain credit cards have 1269% interest. Borrow responsibly.
People put everything on Faceyspaces. Be stupid responsibly.
Everybody loves porn. Masturbate responsibly.
Taking opiate pain relievers? Overdose responsibly.
Robbing banks? Shoot responsibly.
Gee, lefty... no one is talking about JFK anymore.....
But what about RFK?
I'm not of an age that I know what happened after the assassination. There was a tv movie about it that truly spoke to me... to quote Don Henley, it was The End of the Innocence. People finally figured out that there was something up behind the scenes and that America wasn't quite as shiny or ideal as they thought. But at least we have the Kardashians.
The vets recommended this probiotic stuff to help his digestion. Personally I'm antibiotic.
Not to be outdone, I just saw an ad for My Five Wives.
What form of serial insanity is this?
A cynic would note that one of these women is not even better looking than the next. Perhaps he waits til one drives him nuts, then goes to the next one. These shows will stop when they head to the middle east, where some have lots and lots of wives. The logical conclusion is another series of tv shows, where men get counseling after they come to their senses. I Had Fifteen Wives.
Dr. Phil: What were you thinking?
Guest: I wasn't.
- Well, that's nice. Apple has a new feature in its latest iOS release: it locks the USB port after an hour to foil thieves, including the government and a few third party manufacturers. You can still charge.
- Oops... researchers reveal bypass for aforementioned USB restricted mode.
- GrandCrab ransomware has been updated to affect Windows XP machines via the EternalBlue exploit, developed by the NSA. Here are the takeaways: GrandCrab is updated and maintained better than Windows. Your tax dollars enabled NSA malware. If you're still running Win XP, you're an idiot and should just hook the computer directly to the internet, without firewall or router, and get it over with now. Lastly, you can tell everyone your computer has crabs.
- There’s a growing sense that companies need to take a closer look at security when considering a merger or acquisition. Gee - my dog really is smarter than most people.
- Hackers got to Macys.com and Bloomingdales.com,
The breach took place from April 26 through June 12, compromising data such as full names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, birthdays, and payment card numbers with expiration dates
- The incident was detected by Macy's cyber threat alert tools on June 11. Wow, that's some advanced software. Sixty days to detection. They must've paid a lot of money for that kind of timeliness and accuracy.
- I've poo-pooed fitness tracking apps for phones ever since I knew of their existence. You can't remember or just figured I was insane and nothing could ever happen. I said that the data goes to a phone app, which feeds it somewhere past your phone. Sure enough,
- Permissive search capabilities in Polar Flow, an online tracking app by Finnish fitness wearables company Polar, has enabled researchers to pinpoint highly sensitive military and intelligence operatives and quickly find out where they live. Furthermore, until Polar shut the app down it was possible to download gigabytes of this information automatically.
- Being right all the time is exhausting, but I carry on for your benefit.
Apparently there was a couple on an airplane that sat behind another pair of strangers who started flirting. They observed and detailed each move on social media, making the new couple stars. Fortunately I missed this story, but it illustrates your extreme lack of privacy the moment you wander out of your house, into contact with the Great Unwashed. There's an awful lot of information missed by the yokel voyeurs who are fascinated with the story.
- you have no privacy in public or anywhere there's an idiot with a cell phone and social media account.
You are not taking into consideration that if a cell phone, manned by a random annoying person, starts recording, this is the least of your problems. The NSA and others have been doing this for years.
- if you're a citizen of the UK, there are tens of thousands of cameras, watching everything anyone does. There are also Automatic Number Plate Recognition units in police cars, that scan your license plate and run it past several databases. If there's a match, it makes a noise so the police can stop you. Philadelphia uses this technology, moreso to check for unpaid parking fines, as you saw on the hit show Parking Wars.
- You're screwed. Remember this when you're outside, especially if you're doing something interesting, like having a fit. Rest assured, someone's recording it; an idiot or an official.
- Britain will fine Faceyspaces for the recent data breach. Legally, the fine can be anywhere from $37.50 (423 grams UK) to a few million. Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg snorted, "I make one thousand times that while I pee in the morning."
- Meanwhile, Congress questioned Apple and Google over user tracking. The heads of all online companies stood together and swore, under oath, that cigarettes do not cause cancer.
An online gambling site advises you to gamble responsibly. For years, liquor companies advise you to drink responsibly. This is caused by lawyers. Most things are caused by lawyers.
How does one gamble responsibly? Only lose half the rent?
How does one drink responsibly? Drive home really quickly?
Certain credit cards have 1269% interest. Borrow responsibly.
People put everything on Faceyspaces. Be stupid responsibly.
Everybody loves porn. Masturbate responsibly.
Taking opiate pain relievers? Overdose responsibly.
Robbing banks? Shoot responsibly.
Gee, lefty... no one is talking about JFK anymore.....
- This does not get discussed routinely but I read that JFK was talking about joining forces with Russia in the space program. Some say that releasing files on UFOs led to his demise. He wanted to end the war in Vietnam.
- The assassination was ordered and planned from a very high level. How do I know? The Secret Service was ordered to use fewer agents that morning and the route was changed at the last minute. Who can make a call like that? There were other indications that the security preparations were not complete, for instance: the windows of buildings above the first floor were not sealed shut. Think about this.
- Lyndon Baines Johnson was jubilant when he exclaimed that he was finally going to get the Kennedys, the night before the assassination.
- Now ask yourself which of JFK's actions would piss off which group: UFO secret keepers or the Military Industrial Complex. The answer may well reveal who ordered the hit.
- There is an absolutely exhaustive amount of research on the killing at Black Op Radio (link to the right). Also RFK information.
- The most compelling bits of information, in my opinion, come from Colonel Fletcher Prouty (RIP), who was sent to the other side of the planet, probably to keep him far away from the assassination. He knew what went into operations like this. He knew who one of the tramps on the bridge was. He described how the information was furnished to the press and designed to frame Oswald very quickly. This can be looked up or heard at Black Op Radio. Prouty was part of Mister X in the JFK movie.
But what about RFK?
- 'Who' is a little more difficult. 'How' is easier.
- Sirhan 'Sirhan' Sirhan says he remembers nothing about the shooting. There were more shots fired than held by Sirhan's pistol, and from different angles, like the rear. Say what you want about Sirhan; being in two places at once is a serious violation of the laws of physics as we know them.
- A still unidentified woman in a polka dotted dress was the last thing Sirhan remembers. She was seen after the assassination coming out the back stairs of the hotel, excited, and said that they got him to a young lady.
- MKULTRA was a CIA brainwashing program that began after WWII, when we imported nazis (Project Paperclip) like Werner von Braun and the crazy 'doctors' who operated on people. They wanted to create the ultimate soldier, who could pull off a killing but truly not remember it, via hypnotism or creation of alternate personalities, to be triggered when the need arose. This took place in Montreal and the US. The trigger or handler had on a polka dotted dress.
- A psychiatrist was examining Sirhan under hypnosis. He triggered something and Sirhan began to write, "RFK must die. RFK must die," over and over again. RFK Must Die is the title of the psychiatrist's book.
- Everything I typed above is verified truth. Make up your own mind about conclusions.
I'm not of an age that I know what happened after the assassination. There was a tv movie about it that truly spoke to me... to quote Don Henley, it was The End of the Innocence. People finally figured out that there was something up behind the scenes and that America wasn't quite as shiny or ideal as they thought. But at least we have the Kardashians.
How's Marshall, you ask?
He spent yesterday between vets, both of whom said he was doing well. The wound is healing quickly. The acupuncture doc said he's much better than last time - clearer eyes and more energy. Someone stopped my wife and said they weren't cocker people but he's absolutely gorgeous. Well, he is. I certainly can't take credit for it.. all I did was see his picture for adoption from the rescue.
Speaking of which, I walked into the kitchen the other day, to find two containers of Chinese food on the floor. Chinese food completely fails to excite me, so I think it's probably better on the floor, except for the Summer Ant Invasion. So this isn't really too much more weird than anything else, but I figured I'd ask the wife, as Marshall can't open the fridge (yet). Yes, the food was for the benefit of Marshall, who's not eating as well as normal. Marshall, taking after his father, is not fond of Chinese food either. I suggested that maybe he wants dessert instead. Or maybe she forgot the soy sauce, which can help the food taste like something.
I like the dessert idea. Yesterday there appeared two large plastic glasses of Dunkin Donuts' frozen hot chocolate. If you've never tried this, run down and get one. It's like.. well... frozen hot chocolate. Marshall is extremely fond of this, especially the mountain of whipped cream on top. He goes face down into it, trying to fit his entire snout into the small hole in the top and licking up the whipped cream. He also likes the frozen hot chocolate. DO NOT GIVE DOGS CHOCOLATE. This isn't really chocolate. So he's back to his perennial favorite: cat food. Vet says feed him whatever he'll eat. Smart people (or most people) realize that he's simply not eating things because he knows something better is coming next.
The vets recommended this probiotic stuff to help his digestion. Personally I'm antibiotic.
Space Command rolls on.
A few issues back, I came out as getting a new job at President Trump's Space Command. One of our slogans, internal only, is You won't even know you're missing a few trillion. All of the ships have Trumps visage emblazoned on them. No one dares guess whether this will earn us a welcome or frighten off potential alien life forms.
Space Command is the front line of Planet Protection, located under ICE and the Department of Homeplanet Security. It turns out that we've had an Earth Defense Force for many years, but nobody knew about it (except government accountants, who live in little burrows underground and cannot come into the daylight, much like their work). So Space Command is somewhat of a public relations stunt (like NASA), putting a face on a department that 'doesn't exist'. As soon as I found this out, I questioned the sanity of whoever hired me... most of you have never met me, but let's just say I should not be the face of anything public. Hell, there are no pictures of me after third grade for a reason.
Our first major task was launching the Trump Space Banner. It's about fifty thousand feet long, in dayglow colors, and says "Welcome to my Planet - it's the best planet", with the president's face, smiling for all lifeforms to see. Some say it bids welcome. Others say it will stop any sort of invasion or visit. People with very high security clearances (that technically don't exist), say it has frightened the existing aliens off the planet.
Another factlet is there are a number of planetary defense satellites in orbit, strictly for the purpose of defending Earth from evil super villain Darth Cheney.
More in the next episode of Space Command.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Flavoring Fish With Lemon Sharks
If you say "OMG" out loud, I don't want to know you.
- As JFK said, "Ich bin ein blogger"
Remember Wyatt Earp? Now there's a tv show Wynonna Earp. Because there's nothing worth doing that can't be done again and again and again. And there's nothing that can be done again and again and again that can't be done with a woman replacing the man. Oceans 11, with an all female cast, was such a flop that they had to make more. In fact, Oceans 27 is in production, starring Rosie O'Donnell, Rose Marie, Rose McGowan, and Roseanne Barr, with Rosie Perez narrating.
Here's what's coming up for next season:
Jeez Louise Christ Superstar, starring Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg as Jesus, and Michele Obama as Paul, who has to keep poking Ginsburg with a cross to keep her awake
All in the Family, with Bea Arthur as Archie Bunker
Family Guy, starring an animated Meryl Streep as Peter
Young Shelly, with Whoopie Goldberg as Sheldon
Americans Idle, featuring Joan Jett as Howard Stern
Better Call Sauly, starring Sally Struthers
Fargo, with Oprah Winfrey as the town of Fargo
Orange is the New Black, featuring the cast of Orphan Black
The Walking Dead, with an army of zombie Miley Cyruses. A new reality show!
Game of Thrones, with every role played by Emilia Clarke. That I'd watch. And Allison Janney as Peter Dinklage
Parks and Recreation, with Taraji P. Henson as Chevy Chase and Queen Latifah playing the part of King Latifah
- LabCorp, the largest blood testing lab in the US, was hacked over the weekend. Test results were delayed, although no misuse of data has been detected. Parts of the network were shut down upon discovery.
- They have your test results, folks.
I remember the Good Old Days<tm>, when the sexes 'worked out', wearing their cute little outfits and leaving each other alone. Of course, this was not to remain as-is, because the Social Justice Workers were out for blood. Men's blood, more specifically. Male only gyms were sued to let women in. They won. Female gyms were sued to let males in. They lost.
Three women were recently thrown out of a Planet Fitness for objecting to a transexual woman in their locker room. Once again, the SJWs were out, in all their glory, dictating who the new protected minority is.
It was a great run, ladies.
If you ever need to get out of anything, identify as Trans. Until the next protected minority is announced. At this rate, if we hang in long enough, it'll be men.
P.S. the Google spellchecker choked on transexual.
- Speaking of words, here are some taken from my morning reading: a shift in tactics to reach new heights in volumetric campaigns, patchwork IT systems, both legacy and non-legacy, that are impossible to secure holistically
There's an awful lot of words in this article, but I think I have the idea: A Seattle University professor recently worried that women in STEM may feel bad after reading an article on innate sex differences. Some words in the article are unconscious bias, flat earth, and innate sex differences.
The professor denies there are any inherent differences in the genders; the differences are due to conditioning. The gender bias must be corrected. If I were a woman, which, as of last time I checked, I am not, I'd be pretty charged up over this article. I will now carry on in my Woman Voice: This lady argues for more of my gender in STEM but that reading an article on the possibility of inherent gender differences might make me feel bad. If that's where the SCIENCE leads, it doesn't matter how I feel. I am not a snowflake, I am a scientist. To treat my entire gender otherwise is to insinuate we need to be treated as special, with bias. I'll get by on my brain, not my vagina. [/end Woman Voice]
The professor denies there are any inherent differences in the genders; the differences are due to conditioning. The gender bias must be corrected. If I were a woman, which, as of last time I checked, I am not, I'd be pretty charged up over this article. I will now carry on in my Woman Voice: This lady argues for more of my gender in STEM but that reading an article on the possibility of inherent gender differences might make me feel bad. If that's where the SCIENCE leads, it doesn't matter how I feel. I am not a snowflake, I am a scientist. To treat my entire gender otherwise is to insinuate we need to be treated as special, with bias. I'll get by on my brain, not my vagina. [/end Woman Voice]
- You were just wondering to yourself what the undisputed king of ransomware was, weren't you. This week it's GrandCrab. This ransomware can only be treated with GrandPenicillin (and a pot of boiling water).
In light of 12 Russians being indicted on election tampering charges, you should read this article about software used to count votes. The vendor supplied remote control software PC Anywhere to 'a small number of customers'. PC Anywhere, remote control software, contains a bug that allows anyone accessing the machine access without a password. Hackers stole the source code to PC Anywhere. This was discovered in 2006 but not released until 2012. The company that produced the voting software is stonewalling official inquiries.
I am not offering a theory as to how or whether any election was hacked. This is purely information from the industry - you can use it with other information to make up your own mind. It definitely proves my statement that there should be NO remote access to any part of voting and paper ballots are the way to go. If any of you remember, back in the Bill Clinton days, Diebold machines were being used. Diebold was a vocal supporter of the Clintons.
- The Japanese are killing whales. America turned their oceans brown with crap dumped into it, and wildly overfish salmon and others. We're burying trash and nuclear waste that will not be safe until after the sun burns out. Illegally hunting and decimating entire species of animals. Destroying the rainforest. Corporate and individual greed isn't new, but we really seem to be intent on shooting ourselves in the foot with very large caliber weapons.
- Then we're going to be surprised when the excrement hits the rotating device.
Attack of the Canes
My wife occasionally uses a cane and we have dubbed them Attack Canes. I can't even begin to explain this, but the name is quite accurate. If you open the car door from the outside, one of the canes jumps out at you. If you go to sit down, one of them is waiting for your butt to almost hit the seat. If you're driving, the little bastard will move itself onto the armrest or in the way of the shifter.
In the house, the evil manifests differently. Kept by the front door, anyone walking near it will get tripped when it falls over. If you leave it there, it will leap out at your foot. If you put it back and open the curtains, it will fall right on you. We could easily blame it on one Wayward Walking Device<tm>, but it's two of them. It used to be three, but one felt it wasn't able to do enough damage so it walked away and adopted another person who has trouble getting around.
It's not too big a thing, or wasn't, until today. Picking up a bottle of water, a broom fell on me. Then while making coffee, it fell on me in the other direction. Christ, what is it with tall thin sticks in this bloody place? You could blame it on gravity having effects on wood, but one of the canes is aluminum. We found one of those As Seen on TV jobbies that you put on the end of the cane to keep it standing up. They still jumped at us at every possible opportunity. Maybe they don't like dust.
- Which algorithm did the marketing department use to tell them that if I saw Jeff Beck and ZZ Top, I'd be a shoe in for Diana Ross?
- But it's cool because Yanni and The Price is Right Live are coming too.
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Braiding Nose Hair
I had a few blogs in the can for emergencies. I guess this qualifies.
An employee of spyware maker NSO Group 'allegedly' stole government spyware and hid it under his bed.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have entered a new era in spyware and security: Mattress Net. No matter how benign or destructive the software is, it is perfectly safe, stored under the mattress. Unless you flipped your lid and installed an Internet of Things Connected Bed, the mattress has no connection to the Internet, thus cannot be hacked by traditional means. It's so simple and brilliant, no government or spyware company could come up with it.
We all know no system is infallible or 100% hack-proof. Mattress Net is vulnerable to an old hack called Sneaker Net, whereby the software is moved from here to there by someone wearing sneakers. Possibly loafers, but that is beyond the scope of this missive. Also possible is Putin Net, where a very attractive female spy sleeps with you because she just wants to get under your mattress. Lastly there's Parent Net, a very crude hack, wherein your parents clean your room and check under the mattress.
"Simon... I found this USB under your mattress. Are you looking at code porn again? I told you that will make you go blind AND give you Repetitive Stress Injuries! You zero out that drive RIGHT NOW, young man."
Just saw a commercial for a Citroen. After 30 seconds, all I got was that it's available in 32 colors. Not that American car commercials are any better.. look at the stereo...and the usb plugs!
Silicon Valley: located just north of Silicone Valley
An employee of spyware maker NSO Group 'allegedly' stole government spyware and hid it under his bed.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have entered a new era in spyware and security: Mattress Net. No matter how benign or destructive the software is, it is perfectly safe, stored under the mattress. Unless you flipped your lid and installed an Internet of Things Connected Bed, the mattress has no connection to the Internet, thus cannot be hacked by traditional means. It's so simple and brilliant, no government or spyware company could come up with it.
We all know no system is infallible or 100% hack-proof. Mattress Net is vulnerable to an old hack called Sneaker Net, whereby the software is moved from here to there by someone wearing sneakers. Possibly loafers, but that is beyond the scope of this missive. Also possible is Putin Net, where a very attractive female spy sleeps with you because she just wants to get under your mattress. Lastly there's Parent Net, a very crude hack, wherein your parents clean your room and check under the mattress.
"Simon... I found this USB under your mattress. Are you looking at code porn again? I told you that will make you go blind AND give you Repetitive Stress Injuries! You zero out that drive RIGHT NOW, young man."
- Hey - do you have a Sony, Sharp, TCL, or Phillips smart tv? A feature called Samba TV is probably tracking you, for the purposes of serving more targeted ads. The claim is that you have to opt-in. Samba can identify other devices in the home.
- Don't hook your friggin' tv to the internet. Or your fridge. Or mattress.
Today's question: What's something that seems obvious within your profession, but the general public seems to misunderstand? (twitter, question via @Mantia)
- Facebook is foul, evil, and ever-invasive
- Google's new motto is Do An Awful Lot of Evil
- Privacy is not possible. You only have as much as you work to claw back
- People are stupid
- If you're looking to date hot chicks, IT is not the field for you
- If you're looking to date hot guys, IT is not the field for you
One way to retain some privacy is to use a safer provider; perhaps one that doesn't read your emails (like Google/Gmail does). You might want to have a look at Protonmail. Protonmail is encrypted. Protonmail doesn't care about the content of your email, provided it's not illegal. You can encrypt your emails directly to your intended recipient, even if they don't use encryption. There are two levels: Free and Not Free. Free gives you what you'd expect: an account and some storage. Not Free gives you a lot more, including IMAP, so your Thunderbird or Outlook can fetch your email. Free accounts must use the web interface or android/iOS apps. Your email cannot be read while encrypted.
I highly recommend Protonmail, especially if you have a gmail account. I know one reader of ThermionicEmissions looked into it and moved all their gmail over, closing that account. Very smart move. Go on over and have a look.
- For some reason, I am not frequently called upon to speak for the gay community.
Just saw a commercial for a Citroen. After 30 seconds, all I got was that it's available in 32 colors. Not that American car commercials are any better.. look at the stereo...and the usb plugs!
MISSING FASHION
Anybody who has shopped for bathing suits or lingerie knows the Inverse Law of Material: the less fabric, the more it costs. Make yourself a Big Dude or Dudette at parties by telling everyone you know Victoria's Secret: how to get so many to pay so much for so little.
This year, the Inverse Law of Material seems to be showing up in women's fashion like never before. Women can (some say have to) buy shirts that are missing the shoulders. There's a big old hole where the shoulder material used to be. You might be used to it from seeing it everywhere, but for a person seeing it for the first time, it looks like it came back from one of the Mars expeditions. Let me get this straight: you have a perfectly good shirt. Yes. But some Fashion Expert cut out the shoulders. Yes. What happens when it gets cold outside?
Funny you should ask... my wife, who all of the sudden knows everything about jewelry and clothing, probably from watching HSN until she becomes indistinguishable from the couch, refers to this as Cold Shoulder.
Taking great advantage of this concept, the women's shoe industry has this thing called Cold Ankle, where the material around the ankle is cut out, sometimes with the toe area. This is called Ankle Toe and isn't what you think it is.
Thinking it would save even more money, women's shoes are now required to look like they've been through a shredder. Take what looks like a pretty decent walkable shoe and put it through a shredder, so you have bits and pieces hanging about and can see many areas of the foot, depending on what angle it was put through the shredder. The joke was on the shoe manufacturers, as this did not save money: it cost a lot of money because they had to purchase industrial shredders, through which to run the shoes. This came with industrial shredder consultants to oversee the operation, and eventually, shredder repair technicians, because they were built in America, in union shops. American unions insist on 10 minutes of break per hour. They also insist on 7 hours per day breaks.
The fashion industry has gone berserk, trying to keep up with the shredding pace. DKNY is selling designer shredded t-shirts, where everything is shredded (except the logo). JeanesCo, the jeans company so fashionable, you've never heard of them, will offer shredded jeans, right next to their pre-holed jeans (neither of which you'll see because you're not important enough and don't know any Kardashians).
Hoping to cash in on the shredding craze, Hanes will soon offer shredded underwear. This will fail miserably, based upon the Holey Principle of Underwear. In their rush to sell millions of Y-fronts, they forgot to beta test the shredded shorts, resulting in all kinds of embarrassing moments, most captured on hilarious and very stupid Hey Look At This video shows.
Shredded bras, meanwhile, stuck out (so to speak) for their incredible popularity with men. They were heartily endorsed by the Free the Nipple and Burn Your Bra crowd. They were also popular with the I'm Liberated But I Still Have to Work career women.
- I sit here, destroyed. Down to my soul. I fear there is no escaping this level of hell. The kid who mowed our lawn last year can't do it this year. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I'm on suicide watch.
Silicon Valley: located just north of Silicone Valley
Because this is a multi-service blog, and because this is another sign I have too much time on my hands, here's a recipe. Recipe, you say? Yes, recipe. Now that we're done with the confirmations, let's get into it. We'll call it
lefty's Real Imitation Mexican-like Food Substance
On nights I'm too tired to stand, I can make this in no time.
Refried beans. One can or more of any size.
Packets of Garlic or Spanish Quinoa you get at CostCo
Salsa. Any kind.
Onion.
beef, chicken, pork - fresh or leftovers.
spice - whatever works for you. garlic at minimum.
Dice a few slices of onion. Dump into pot.
Dump refried beans into pot.
Dump meat into pot.
Dump garlic and whatever other spices into pot. I love chipotle powder for its medium heat and smoky flavor.
Heat. Be careful - it heats quickly and boils and blurps - use low heat and stir frequently.
Make the quinoa in the microwave (it takes 90 seconds). Let it sit for a minute and dump into pot.
If your salsa is cold, dump some into pot, to taste. Otherwise put in after.
Dump the glop onto plates. Eat.
It's surprisingly good.
If you're one of those vegetable people, omit the meat (duh) and don't tell me you're one of those vegetable people. I don't care. No one does, unless they're cooking for you.
The staff of ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce they procured good seats for Jeff Beck/Paul Rogers/Ann Wilson. Further, the staff wants you to know that if they EVER get hold of the evil entity that put together the websites and payment methods, they will not be responsible for their actions. Two operating systems and four browsers later....
Monday, July 16, 2018
Marshall Has Left the Couch
ThermionicEmissions is sad beyond measure to announce the passing of Marshall the cocker.
Our hearts and the house have a big hole in them.
We love him and miss him terribly.
Nothing is so loud as that which you can no longer hear.
Nothing is so present as that which is no longer here.
Our hearts and the house have a big hole in them.
We love him and miss him terribly.
Nothing is so loud as that which you can no longer hear.
Nothing is so present as that which is no longer here.
Friday, July 13, 2018
Guitar Players: More Options
This might be interesting to guitar players, especially lefties. Normal people have to decide for themselves.
There's never been a better time to be a lefty guitar player.
This is what we call hyperbole.
Let's just say it's an interesting time to play guitar in general. Music is widely available, there's tons of information on YouTube, including pretty difficult songs to play and demos of gear. And makeup tips.
This missive was spawned by a number of developments by Fender. For the longest time, lefties could not purchase any offset Fender (Jaguar, Jazzmaster, etc). Fender has a configurator on their site, where you can pretty much build your own guitar. They just added a lefty option for the Jazzmaster. Regardless of which Fender you want, you should go play with it, to see what you can come up with for your 'dream guitar'. Your choices are Jazzmaster, Stratocaster, Telecaster, P Bass and J Bass; all available left-handed. You can choose wood, finish, hardware, pickups, and neck shape (you can choose a C neck or a slightly larger C neck).
Speaking of offsets, Fender also announced most of the offsets are available on a one time only basis from Fender Japan. You leave a deposit now and they deliver the guitar at the end of the year.
Speaking as myself, which is pretty much the end of the list of people for whom I can speak, I'm not as excited as some offset fans. If I were going to order one (or several) it would be because I wanted them for the collection. After looking and listening, I'm not sure an offset will fit sonically. The output of the pickups is down below my beloved Strat and the guitars sound kinda plinky, lacking sustain. While this may work perfectly for surf music and whatever else, it won't work for me. You don't see many blues and classic rock artists with offset Fenders. Cobain had a modified Jaguar, but he wasn't exactly know for tone. Oddly enough, you can buy a Cobain model (unless you're a lefty, talk about irony).
My big problem... well... the one I'll admit to... is the neck. There are two very important specifications to me: shape and radius. Radius is the curve of the fretboard. The lower the measurement, the more curved the board. The shape is literally the shape of the neck, from the side of the fretboard, around the back to the other side of the fretboard. Back when Fender first started (1950s), the necks were huge, with a 7.25" radius, and a large V-shape. I grew up with late 70s Fenders, which were very similar to the vintage ones. Fender now refers to this neck as a U shape (I think - they're weird). You cannot purchase this neck on a stock Fender, including the Mod Shop. I spoke to Fender and was told if I don't like the C neck on all of their stock guitars these days, I'm screwed.
Fender has a long history of reproduction guitars, lately 50s, 60s, and 70s. Every time they do this, they mess up an important feature. The current 50s 'correct vintage' Strat has a fairly accurate neck shape, with a 9.5" radius, which was not made in the 50s. So it's somewhat less than correct vintage. Fender is obviously not bothered by this. In fact, only the crazies (who would that be?) are upset. There are U neck guitars available from Fender Japan, which I am investigating. The hurdle here seems to be a very large body of water, plus an exchange rate.
WHAT OTHER CHOICES DO I HAVE?
Glad you asked. Or I would have had to stop typing at the last paragraph.
If you like Fenders, your other choice is custom parts or custom guitars. I'd recommend you check Nash Guitars, somewhere up the the Northeast US, available on Reverb and a few stores. They are very vintage-correct and feel great (ok, the one I picked up backwards in a store). I can't help you with custom guitars, as there are way too many people who do this.
Parts are where it's at if you read this far. The biggest would have to be Warmoth. They have one of everything, at least. You can purchase stock guitars bodies or necks. You can also configure your own. Each step is explained, so you aren't going in blind. The stock necks start at about $150 and go way too far up, depending on whether you need African Pink Cocobora accents with a roasted quarter-sawn maple fretboard, and solid gold inlays of upright vacuums. There is no price difference for lefty or righty. The bodies in stock range from $260 to $600, but again, this is highly variable, depending on whether you like an in-stock body or designing your own.
Warmoth's options for designing your own body and neck go down to minute details. One of the reasons is that you can order what you specified right at the end. Each option has help available, so you're not scratching your head and squinting thoughtfully, in case anyone walks by. I read that your order does not come complete or built. They expect you to get the finish off the frets and put everything together. There may be an option for getting everything done for you but I haven't looked for it.
There is some wild stuff available. You can get wood you've never heard of or seen from countries you've never heard of or seen. Your neck will consist of one piece or a neck and a fretboard, depending on options. You can pick 2 different woods. Some are very colorful, with tonal details explained. You can pick Vintage, Modern, or Hybrid basic designs. This dictates which options you can select. For instance, the 7.25" radius is not available on Vintage, but is on Modern. There are a ton of options for radius, as well as compound radius, where it starts as 10" and goes to 16" at the end. Finished or non, gloss or satin or vintage stained. Even fretboard inlay shapes and colors. The necks are available in many shapes like current, V, soft V, boatneck, thin, and others. Keep in mind that you need to have some idea what shape you want: you can't return it easily. My problem is that I can't find anywhere to play anything other than stock Fender necks. In the fifth largest area in the US, there is nothing but garbage to be seen. Almost zero vintage.
The bodies are where most of the fun is. You can choose most popular body shapes for guitar or bass. Choose the wood, cap if you want it; clear or color finish; transparent, burst, or metallic colors. Mount the pickups on a standard pickguard or to the body. Most kinds of whammy bar. Lots of pickups, mostly Duncan (I like them). Tons of goodies.
When you're done, don't forget the hardware. You have a wide choice of these or you can get them and install yourself.
Again, when you're bored, sit down and have some fun configuring your dream neck and guitar.
Lots of people tell me to just go to Warmoth when I complain about Fender not having what I want. Warmoth is not a bargain outlet. Fender has a few necks they will sell you for exorbitant amounts, which Warmoth happily beats, but if you want one item different from stock, you will pay. Warmoth also supplies some necks to Fender.
For example:
Both guitars are configured as alike as possible, with no extras.
A Mod Shop Fender Stratocaster, lefty or righty, basic options, will cost $1699.
A Warmoth lefty or righty body is $370, body/pickups/hardware is 682.35. The neck is about $262 without hardware. The grand total is $944.35 plus other stuff. The difference is $754.65 plus whatever hardware you need and assembly for the Warmoth. Neither of the prices can come down much, unless you use in-stock bodies and necks at Warmoth, and no body finish.
Or FUN STUFF:
If I changed from the basics on the Fender, it would still be $1699.
My Big Fun Ultimate Quilt Maple Cap, blue stain finish body is $715; $1067 with pickups+hardware. The neck, one piece flame maple is $416 plus tuners, for a grand total of $1483. If money was the only criterion, I'd save about $200 with Warmoth and get exactly what I wanted. Fender would essentially be a stock Fender that was expensive, with zero options for a neck I would play. Oddly enough, neither of these guitars had a lefty upcharge.
Another place I'd highly recommend is USA Custom Guitars. I haven't purchased anything from them yet, but I know stories of customer service and humanity far beyond regular retail.
your mileage may vary
There's never been a better time to be a lefty guitar player.
This is what we call hyperbole.
Let's just say it's an interesting time to play guitar in general. Music is widely available, there's tons of information on YouTube, including pretty difficult songs to play and demos of gear. And makeup tips.
This missive was spawned by a number of developments by Fender. For the longest time, lefties could not purchase any offset Fender (Jaguar, Jazzmaster, etc). Fender has a configurator on their site, where you can pretty much build your own guitar. They just added a lefty option for the Jazzmaster. Regardless of which Fender you want, you should go play with it, to see what you can come up with for your 'dream guitar'. Your choices are Jazzmaster, Stratocaster, Telecaster, P Bass and J Bass; all available left-handed. You can choose wood, finish, hardware, pickups, and neck shape (you can choose a C neck or a slightly larger C neck).
Speaking of offsets, Fender also announced most of the offsets are available on a one time only basis from Fender Japan. You leave a deposit now and they deliver the guitar at the end of the year.
Speaking as myself, which is pretty much the end of the list of people for whom I can speak, I'm not as excited as some offset fans. If I were going to order one (or several) it would be because I wanted them for the collection. After looking and listening, I'm not sure an offset will fit sonically. The output of the pickups is down below my beloved Strat and the guitars sound kinda plinky, lacking sustain. While this may work perfectly for surf music and whatever else, it won't work for me. You don't see many blues and classic rock artists with offset Fenders. Cobain had a modified Jaguar, but he wasn't exactly know for tone. Oddly enough, you can buy a Cobain model (unless you're a lefty, talk about irony).
My big problem... well... the one I'll admit to... is the neck. There are two very important specifications to me: shape and radius. Radius is the curve of the fretboard. The lower the measurement, the more curved the board. The shape is literally the shape of the neck, from the side of the fretboard, around the back to the other side of the fretboard. Back when Fender first started (1950s), the necks were huge, with a 7.25" radius, and a large V-shape. I grew up with late 70s Fenders, which were very similar to the vintage ones. Fender now refers to this neck as a U shape (I think - they're weird). You cannot purchase this neck on a stock Fender, including the Mod Shop. I spoke to Fender and was told if I don't like the C neck on all of their stock guitars these days, I'm screwed.
Fender has a long history of reproduction guitars, lately 50s, 60s, and 70s. Every time they do this, they mess up an important feature. The current 50s 'correct vintage' Strat has a fairly accurate neck shape, with a 9.5" radius, which was not made in the 50s. So it's somewhat less than correct vintage. Fender is obviously not bothered by this. In fact, only the crazies (who would that be?) are upset. There are U neck guitars available from Fender Japan, which I am investigating. The hurdle here seems to be a very large body of water, plus an exchange rate.
WHAT OTHER CHOICES DO I HAVE?
Glad you asked. Or I would have had to stop typing at the last paragraph.
If you like Fenders, your other choice is custom parts or custom guitars. I'd recommend you check Nash Guitars, somewhere up the the Northeast US, available on Reverb and a few stores. They are very vintage-correct and feel great (ok, the one I picked up backwards in a store). I can't help you with custom guitars, as there are way too many people who do this.
Parts are where it's at if you read this far. The biggest would have to be Warmoth. They have one of everything, at least. You can purchase stock guitars bodies or necks. You can also configure your own. Each step is explained, so you aren't going in blind. The stock necks start at about $150 and go way too far up, depending on whether you need African Pink Cocobora accents with a roasted quarter-sawn maple fretboard, and solid gold inlays of upright vacuums. There is no price difference for lefty or righty. The bodies in stock range from $260 to $600, but again, this is highly variable, depending on whether you like an in-stock body or designing your own.
Warmoth's options for designing your own body and neck go down to minute details. One of the reasons is that you can order what you specified right at the end. Each option has help available, so you're not scratching your head and squinting thoughtfully, in case anyone walks by. I read that your order does not come complete or built. They expect you to get the finish off the frets and put everything together. There may be an option for getting everything done for you but I haven't looked for it.
There is some wild stuff available. You can get wood you've never heard of or seen from countries you've never heard of or seen. Your neck will consist of one piece or a neck and a fretboard, depending on options. You can pick 2 different woods. Some are very colorful, with tonal details explained. You can pick Vintage, Modern, or Hybrid basic designs. This dictates which options you can select. For instance, the 7.25" radius is not available on Vintage, but is on Modern. There are a ton of options for radius, as well as compound radius, where it starts as 10" and goes to 16" at the end. Finished or non, gloss or satin or vintage stained. Even fretboard inlay shapes and colors. The necks are available in many shapes like current, V, soft V, boatneck, thin, and others. Keep in mind that you need to have some idea what shape you want: you can't return it easily. My problem is that I can't find anywhere to play anything other than stock Fender necks. In the fifth largest area in the US, there is nothing but garbage to be seen. Almost zero vintage.
The bodies are where most of the fun is. You can choose most popular body shapes for guitar or bass. Choose the wood, cap if you want it; clear or color finish; transparent, burst, or metallic colors. Mount the pickups on a standard pickguard or to the body. Most kinds of whammy bar. Lots of pickups, mostly Duncan (I like them). Tons of goodies.
When you're done, don't forget the hardware. You have a wide choice of these or you can get them and install yourself.
Again, when you're bored, sit down and have some fun configuring your dream neck and guitar.
Lots of people tell me to just go to Warmoth when I complain about Fender not having what I want. Warmoth is not a bargain outlet. Fender has a few necks they will sell you for exorbitant amounts, which Warmoth happily beats, but if you want one item different from stock, you will pay. Warmoth also supplies some necks to Fender.
For example:
Both guitars are configured as alike as possible, with no extras.
A Mod Shop Fender Stratocaster, lefty or righty, basic options, will cost $1699.
A Warmoth lefty or righty body is $370, body/pickups/hardware is 682.35. The neck is about $262 without hardware. The grand total is $944.35 plus other stuff. The difference is $754.65 plus whatever hardware you need and assembly for the Warmoth. Neither of the prices can come down much, unless you use in-stock bodies and necks at Warmoth, and no body finish.
Or FUN STUFF:
If I changed from the basics on the Fender, it would still be $1699.
My Big Fun Ultimate Quilt Maple Cap, blue stain finish body is $715; $1067 with pickups+hardware. The neck, one piece flame maple is $416 plus tuners, for a grand total of $1483. If money was the only criterion, I'd save about $200 with Warmoth and get exactly what I wanted. Fender would essentially be a stock Fender that was expensive, with zero options for a neck I would play. Oddly enough, neither of these guitars had a lefty upcharge.
Another place I'd highly recommend is USA Custom Guitars. I haven't purchased anything from them yet, but I know stories of customer service and humanity far beyond regular retail.
your mileage may vary
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
No, You're Fat
There's a lot of Weird Shit happening in the world today, especially of the Weird Social Variety<tm>. For lack of better definition, let's call it Fat Pride.
When you see a 'woman of size', wearing clothes made for a woman of size, they say they're comfortable in their skin. Mrs leftystrat, a former woman of size, used to say to me that it was nice that these women were comfortable with their size - you go, girl. It only took one catalog of swimwear for women of size for both of us to agree this was Not Right. After the lingerie catalog for women of size, we were both shocked and put off by the pictures. Don't get me wrong: there should be lingerie in any size that people will buy; but I'd rather not see it in ads. If you haven't seen it, seek it out. It simply doesn't look right. There's a reason the Victorias models are slim.
I don't usually have much to say on the social aspects of this, but being comfortable with or proud of your (large) skin can normalize fat. How comfortable are they going to be with their first heart attack? Will this send the message to large people that it's ok to be large? It's very clearly unhealthy, as established by Medical Science, since way back when Medical Science was young (and thin). Fat hits arteries and restricts blood flow to organs, most notably the brain.
I'm big on the freedom of speech thing and this is ok with me from a speech perspective... whatever the market will bear. I would just prefer, personally, that people don't think this is ok - for their own health. If you want to weigh north of 300lbs (453 liters Canadian), go for it. Just don't explode in public: that stuff's damn near impossible to clean.
Having said that, I am not a Person of Size, but portions of me are growing. Unstopped, who knows how large they will grow. I'd prefer not to complete the Science on that and have taken steps to stop the growth. When I stay steps, I am not speaking physically. What Science hasn't discovered yet is that exercise causes cancer. I do not wish to be on the leading edge of that discovery, so I strenuously avoid it.
What I have done to arrest the growth is to replace one soda per day with a large glass of water. Well, I tried. Have you experienced water when it's not 90 degrees or you haven't completed a marathon jog up the steps? It tastes like... water. Throwing a lemon wedge into it makes all the difference in the world. Throwing some Arnold Palmer iced tea/lemonade into it would make an ever bigger difference, but something tells me this isn't a good idea. This is a huge step for me and I do not take it lightly. Thus far I've replaced a soda with water damn near every day of the week (*except weekends and a few days during the week). We traditionally eat well, avoiding fast and boxed foods, preparing most meals ourselves (*except malts, Marshall's favorite). Logically, all things remaining the same, the weight gain would point to exercise, but as I said, cancer won't be the thing to take me out. Or a heart attack.
Next week, ThermionicEmissions reviews "50 Shades of Gay".
She Woman Man Haters Club
Uh-oh.... the American Psychological Association has discovered that women outnumber men by more than two to one in the psych field. For the 35 and unders, the ratio jumps to nine to one. Do you suppose there will be urgent efforts to bring the men to parity? A great wail on social media about needing more men? High school programs to direct men into the mental health field?
Along those lines, seen on an announcement for Women Fest:
One of the top web vulnerabilities is cross-site scripting.
So don't cross-site script, ok?
Oopsie - Faceyspaces admitted sharing users' data with 61 tech companies. This was revealed in a 747 page PDF delivered to Congress. The recommend step to fix this is to delete your account.
I've been going back and forth about my new job. I didn't want to tell anyone what I'm doing for privacy, jealousy, and hatred reasons. Since I share everything and try to be honest with my readers, I'm going to come out of the closet, so to speak, and let you know about my new gig: President Trump's Space Force. At work, I'm Captain leftystrat. You guys can continue to call me lefty, shithead, or whatever you call me when I'm out of earshot.
I was doing some contracting for the subcontractor of a subcontractor, when I was selected for the program. I'm told the president himself picked me, due to my great love of expanding government and outrageous expenditures funded by taxpayer money. In his wisdom, the President felt that someone endowed with my superior sense of sarcasm and love of government would be a good person to observe the program. As a patriotic American, I was proud to accept and will rise to the occasion, occasionally standing. Don (he tells us to call him Don) is a decent guy, with a great love of pussy jokes.
As a formality, I had to go through an intensive background check. They made sure my listed address was where the checks went. They also talked to my neighbors, who are either completely terrified of me or have no idea who I am. The 6'5" humongous black man who lives down the block works for the mafia and the NFL, which sometimes get confused. He's completely terrified of me. I let him borrow my weed wacker and he was hesitant to take it from my hands. Other neighbors know me only as Marshall's dad. Marshall's mom is incredibly popular with the hood, but parents pull their children into the house when I walk by. I don't know where the reputation came from but I enjoy the hell out of it: the social interaction is absolutely zero.
I got a really spiffy uniform with an actual patch. The Space Force logo is an eagle holding billions of dollars in its talons. At the front of the control center, the logo is a gray alien, with the words "Swamp Gas" at the bottom. The program labored to figure out an appropriate weapon for us to carry, so now we're equipped with super soakers, with Ray Gun written in magic marker on the barrel. More than one of us walking down a hall look most formidable, like Ghostbusters without the sense of humor or decent hair.
To be continued.....
A new Swedish law recognizes sex without 'explicit consent' as rape.
Nobody, including the person who drafted the law, knows what this means, other than a judge will have to decide whether there was explicit consent.
Sex in Sweden is about to get weird. And not in a good way. Read this in the voice of the Muppets' Swedish Chef:
HIM: Hello. Do you accept my hello?
HER: Hello, I do. Do you accept my hello?
HIM: I do. Wanna come back to my house for drinks and the possibility of some sex?
HER: I agree to go to your house for drinks but do not consent to sex at this moment.
HIM: I understand. Let's go.
HER: Let's go.
At his house...
HIM: I find there's nothing like chocolate whipped cream vodka to start the night off. Do you concur?
HER: I do not agree that chocolate cream is the best way to start the night, but agree to consume the beverage.
HIM: You are aware that this drink contains alcohol, which can impair your decision-making ability.
HER: I am aware that alcohol has those properties and also tends to make my panties disappear. That notwithstanding, I agree to drink it.
HIM: Excellent. Let the party begin!
HER: I agree. Let the party begin.
HIM: Would you like a third glass of vodka? We can switch to Swedish Fish vodka if you like.... our national beverage.
HER: Swe.. hic.. Shwede ka asheptbl.
HER: Where my und.. unddwr.. pantiesh go? Alwaysh do thish.
HIM: I would like to kiss you.
HER: Ag... aggg... concur.
HER: Now kish me downnnn air.
HIM: To be clear, are you asking me to perform oral sex upon you?
HER: Yesh.. lick mmm mah mmmmm pushy.
HIM: I would like oral sex from you. Is that agreeable?
HER: Ye yah ye no yes yesh, thatsh grand hic... no talkies wif mouf fullnphggggh
HIM: That kinda hurts. Can we have intercourse instead?
HER: yeahyeahyeahyeah putitinmenow hopontoppop
HIM: I just need you to fill out this form in triplicate, agreeing to intercourse, signing at the bottom and initialing at these seven spots. If you think you'd like anal, initial here. If you'd rather wait and see, don't initial here but initial here.
HER: Yeah, whatevs.. are we gonnadoit now?
HIM: Almost there. What are we doing about contraception?
HER: No probs.. I'm on bill...
HIM: You're on the pill?
HER: No, I was on Bill earlier. And I gots wunna those fishing lures all the way up there, so we're good. Now plows me like middle eashters turned desert into an oasish.
HIM: Where do you want me to finish?
HER: left ear.. right ear.. someone's ear, yeah.
HIM: If we need a vibrator, lube, or barnyard animals, initial here.
One night of hellacious sex and one subpoena later....
JUDGE: Martin Smegma?
HIM: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: you are accused of raping Miss Edith Hoe. How do you plead.
HIM: Not guilty.
JUDGE: Miss Hoe, what happened?
HER: I don't know - what happened? I can't remember anything but a really nasty headache.. oh.. that.... we went to his house, plied each other with liquor and he raped me.
HIM: Your Honor, I have sworn affidavits, showing a positive affirmation to each step of the process of consensual sex. The plaintiff has signed and initialed each form. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find an all night notary?
JUDGE: Mr. Smegma, I pronounce you guilty.
HIM: Your Honor? I have explicit consent. That's the requirement of the law.
JUDGE: Yes, but she got drunk and couldn't consent. Fifteen years in prison.
HIM: You're a prick.
JUDGE: Excuse me?
HIM: I said I think I'm going to be sick.
A study shows coffee may boost longevity.
Between coffee and sarcasm, I am creative and will live forever. [evil laughter]
Some dude who read the bible and just happens to be a marijuana scholar (a marijuana scholar?) said Jesus used cannibis oil to heal and it might explain some of his miracles.
Asked to point out where in the bible it says Jesus used it, he could not entirely pull out the word 'cannibis', but pointed out that Peter and Paul (before Mary) were sitting around, saying, "Oh man... this shit is great... did you say Jesus gave it to you? Does he have any more?"
And lo, Jesus turned to Peter and Paul and said, in his mercy, "Dave's not here, man."
When you see a 'woman of size', wearing clothes made for a woman of size, they say they're comfortable in their skin. Mrs leftystrat, a former woman of size, used to say to me that it was nice that these women were comfortable with their size - you go, girl. It only took one catalog of swimwear for women of size for both of us to agree this was Not Right. After the lingerie catalog for women of size, we were both shocked and put off by the pictures. Don't get me wrong: there should be lingerie in any size that people will buy; but I'd rather not see it in ads. If you haven't seen it, seek it out. It simply doesn't look right. There's a reason the Victorias models are slim.
I don't usually have much to say on the social aspects of this, but being comfortable with or proud of your (large) skin can normalize fat. How comfortable are they going to be with their first heart attack? Will this send the message to large people that it's ok to be large? It's very clearly unhealthy, as established by Medical Science, since way back when Medical Science was young (and thin). Fat hits arteries and restricts blood flow to organs, most notably the brain.
I'm big on the freedom of speech thing and this is ok with me from a speech perspective... whatever the market will bear. I would just prefer, personally, that people don't think this is ok - for their own health. If you want to weigh north of 300lbs (453 liters Canadian), go for it. Just don't explode in public: that stuff's damn near impossible to clean.
Having said that, I am not a Person of Size, but portions of me are growing. Unstopped, who knows how large they will grow. I'd prefer not to complete the Science on that and have taken steps to stop the growth. When I stay steps, I am not speaking physically. What Science hasn't discovered yet is that exercise causes cancer. I do not wish to be on the leading edge of that discovery, so I strenuously avoid it.
What I have done to arrest the growth is to replace one soda per day with a large glass of water. Well, I tried. Have you experienced water when it's not 90 degrees or you haven't completed a marathon jog up the steps? It tastes like... water. Throwing a lemon wedge into it makes all the difference in the world. Throwing some Arnold Palmer iced tea/lemonade into it would make an ever bigger difference, but something tells me this isn't a good idea. This is a huge step for me and I do not take it lightly. Thus far I've replaced a soda with water damn near every day of the week (*except weekends and a few days during the week). We traditionally eat well, avoiding fast and boxed foods, preparing most meals ourselves (*except malts, Marshall's favorite). Logically, all things remaining the same, the weight gain would point to exercise, but as I said, cancer won't be the thing to take me out. Or a heart attack.
Next week, ThermionicEmissions reviews "50 Shades of Gay".
- California will be voting on Daylight Savings Time shortly. After that historic vote, California will vote on whether or not gravity should exist.
- Experts expect nothing will happen after the vote, but since it's California, at least they got to vote their feelings.
She Woman Man Haters Club
Uh-oh.... the American Psychological Association has discovered that women outnumber men by more than two to one in the psych field. For the 35 and unders, the ratio jumps to nine to one. Do you suppose there will be urgent efforts to bring the men to parity? A great wail on social media about needing more men? High school programs to direct men into the mental health field?
Along those lines, seen on an announcement for Women Fest:
All women are welcome at the festival, including transgender women and pre-operative individuals. We're also happy to have non-binary people, provided they have a vagina; but not non-binary people with a penis because we have to draw the line somewhere.
Watch your mailboxes. There seems to be a small flood of junk AOL emails. Most of us would comment that any email from AOL is junk, but apparently it is still used (by the clueless). They might not have subject lines but they contain a small amount of text and a link. Also getting deluged with phishing emails from banks and the requisite people depositing a few million into my account, wanting my information.
Your bank isn't going to email you on sensitive matters, especially on your email you give out for nonsense purposes. Call the bank and check if you think the email is real. Don't do this frequently unless you want the person who picks up the phone to snicker when you say your name.
Nigerian princes, kings, ex-officials, and dog catchers aren't going to give you millions of dollars, or even one bottle of chilled YooHoo.
What do I do?
Don't. Remember lefty's law: just say no. Don't read it, don't open it, don't click on the link and don't leave it in your inbox - mark it spam and delete it. When you see a link, hover your mouse over it: this will show you where the link really goes. Odds are it will be different than the link you're clicking on. If it seems too good to be true, it is.
Similarly, watch what you're installing on your phone. This is primarily an android issue, as Apple vets the authors and apps. If it looks too good to be true, it is. If it has a lot of foreign text in it, avoid. If the reviews look odd, avoid. If there are grammar errors that tell you the author's first language isn't English, avoid. Look the app up elsewhere for any info. Trust your instincts: if the app causes you to pause, don't. You're choosing between possibly destroying your phone's software or being without Fantastic Game of the year. You decide which is more important. Note when the app first hit the market and the download count. Note quantity of reviews and stars.
- About that shiny new browser you just installed on your phone, or, heaven forbid, your computer (remember those things?).... Don't go anywhere on it until you check the settings... they're typically pretty dangerous. The last one I saw had save passwords on, automatically fill out forms on, and accept all cookies, including third party on. This is stuff you want to turn OFF. Save your passwords in a password manager, not your browser. Automatically fill out forms means the browser keeps your data, which isn't safe. Don't accept third party cookies unless you really need them to make the (well known, safe) site function.
- Don't install just any browser until you see what it's built on. I don't use Chrome because it's Google and it phones home. However, there are android browsers built on Chrome. Ever vigilant.
One of the top web vulnerabilities is cross-site scripting.
So don't cross-site script, ok?
Oopsie - Faceyspaces admitted sharing users' data with 61 tech companies. This was revealed in a 747 page PDF delivered to Congress. The recommend step to fix this is to delete your account.
I've been going back and forth about my new job. I didn't want to tell anyone what I'm doing for privacy, jealousy, and hatred reasons. Since I share everything and try to be honest with my readers, I'm going to come out of the closet, so to speak, and let you know about my new gig: President Trump's Space Force. At work, I'm Captain leftystrat. You guys can continue to call me lefty, shithead, or whatever you call me when I'm out of earshot.
I was doing some contracting for the subcontractor of a subcontractor, when I was selected for the program. I'm told the president himself picked me, due to my great love of expanding government and outrageous expenditures funded by taxpayer money. In his wisdom, the President felt that someone endowed with my superior sense of sarcasm and love of government would be a good person to observe the program. As a patriotic American, I was proud to accept and will rise to the occasion, occasionally standing. Don (he tells us to call him Don) is a decent guy, with a great love of pussy jokes.
As a formality, I had to go through an intensive background check. They made sure my listed address was where the checks went. They also talked to my neighbors, who are either completely terrified of me or have no idea who I am. The 6'5" humongous black man who lives down the block works for the mafia and the NFL, which sometimes get confused. He's completely terrified of me. I let him borrow my weed wacker and he was hesitant to take it from my hands. Other neighbors know me only as Marshall's dad. Marshall's mom is incredibly popular with the hood, but parents pull their children into the house when I walk by. I don't know where the reputation came from but I enjoy the hell out of it: the social interaction is absolutely zero.
I got a really spiffy uniform with an actual patch. The Space Force logo is an eagle holding billions of dollars in its talons. At the front of the control center, the logo is a gray alien, with the words "Swamp Gas" at the bottom. The program labored to figure out an appropriate weapon for us to carry, so now we're equipped with super soakers, with Ray Gun written in magic marker on the barrel. More than one of us walking down a hall look most formidable, like Ghostbusters without the sense of humor or decent hair.
To be continued.....
- Bill Gates says the world is a far better place today than ever in history.
- Yes it is, especially if you have more money than God and Zuckerberg. (those two get mixed up sometimes).
A new Swedish law recognizes sex without 'explicit consent' as rape.
Nobody, including the person who drafted the law, knows what this means, other than a judge will have to decide whether there was explicit consent.
Sex in Sweden is about to get weird. And not in a good way. Read this in the voice of the Muppets' Swedish Chef:
HIM: Hello. Do you accept my hello?
HER: Hello, I do. Do you accept my hello?
HIM: I do. Wanna come back to my house for drinks and the possibility of some sex?
HER: I agree to go to your house for drinks but do not consent to sex at this moment.
HIM: I understand. Let's go.
HER: Let's go.
At his house...
HIM: I find there's nothing like chocolate whipped cream vodka to start the night off. Do you concur?
HER: I do not agree that chocolate cream is the best way to start the night, but agree to consume the beverage.
HIM: You are aware that this drink contains alcohol, which can impair your decision-making ability.
HER: I am aware that alcohol has those properties and also tends to make my panties disappear. That notwithstanding, I agree to drink it.
HIM: Excellent. Let the party begin!
HER: I agree. Let the party begin.
HIM: Would you like a third glass of vodka? We can switch to Swedish Fish vodka if you like.... our national beverage.
HER: Swe.. hic.. Shwede ka asheptbl.
HER: Where my und.. unddwr.. pantiesh go? Alwaysh do thish.
HIM: I would like to kiss you.
HER: Ag... aggg... concur.
HER: Now kish me downnnn air.
HIM: To be clear, are you asking me to perform oral sex upon you?
HER: Yesh.. lick mmm mah mmmmm pushy.
HIM: I would like oral sex from you. Is that agreeable?
HER: Ye yah ye no yes yesh, thatsh grand hic... no talkies wif mouf fullnphggggh
HIM: That kinda hurts. Can we have intercourse instead?
HER: yeahyeahyeahyeah putitinmenow hopontoppop
HIM: I just need you to fill out this form in triplicate, agreeing to intercourse, signing at the bottom and initialing at these seven spots. If you think you'd like anal, initial here. If you'd rather wait and see, don't initial here but initial here.
HER: Yeah, whatevs.. are we gonnadoit now?
HIM: Almost there. What are we doing about contraception?
HER: No probs.. I'm on bill...
HIM: You're on the pill?
HER: No, I was on Bill earlier. And I gots wunna those fishing lures all the way up there, so we're good. Now plows me like middle eashters turned desert into an oasish.
HIM: Where do you want me to finish?
HER: left ear.. right ear.. someone's ear, yeah.
HIM: If we need a vibrator, lube, or barnyard animals, initial here.
One night of hellacious sex and one subpoena later....
JUDGE: Martin Smegma?
HIM: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: you are accused of raping Miss Edith Hoe. How do you plead.
HIM: Not guilty.
JUDGE: Miss Hoe, what happened?
HER: I don't know - what happened? I can't remember anything but a really nasty headache.. oh.. that.... we went to his house, plied each other with liquor and he raped me.
HIM: Your Honor, I have sworn affidavits, showing a positive affirmation to each step of the process of consensual sex. The plaintiff has signed and initialed each form. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find an all night notary?
JUDGE: Mr. Smegma, I pronounce you guilty.
HIM: Your Honor? I have explicit consent. That's the requirement of the law.
JUDGE: Yes, but she got drunk and couldn't consent. Fifteen years in prison.
HIM: You're a prick.
JUDGE: Excuse me?
HIM: I said I think I'm going to be sick.
- What do you do with an invasive species of iguana? If you're Florida (uh-oh), you eat them. The McGuana, flame broiled Iguaper, and the deep fried iguana bits have become favorites at most restaurants (when dinner starts, about 4pm).
- They put Florida at one end and California at the other. This is either for amusement's sake or a cruel joke. Or both.
A study shows coffee may boost longevity.
Between coffee and sarcasm, I am creative and will live forever. [evil laughter]
- For the third time in South Africa, someone has been found alive in a morgue freezer, after showing no signs of life.
- Perhaps she read that Bill Gates said there's no better time to be alive.
- RUN... ZOMBIES!! VOODOO!!!! KOSHER BACON!!!!
Some dude who read the bible and just happens to be a marijuana scholar (a marijuana scholar?) said Jesus used cannibis oil to heal and it might explain some of his miracles.
Asked to point out where in the bible it says Jesus used it, he could not entirely pull out the word 'cannibis', but pointed out that Peter and Paul (before Mary) were sitting around, saying, "Oh man... this shit is great... did you say Jesus gave it to you? Does he have any more?"
And lo, Jesus turned to Peter and Paul and said, in his mercy, "Dave's not here, man."
I tested my new scanner when the printer came out of the box. It scanned and printed, which was really all I wanted. I am not that complex a person.
Unfortunately the forms I scanned in showed up rotated a few degrees to one side. This meant every line on the forms headed uphill. No one has ever seen documents like this, so it needed to be fixed. I re-set the form, made sure it lined up perfectly against the edges, and it came out heading uphill at a steeper angle.
The reason no one has ever seen documents like this is that any normal to complete idiot of a person places a document face down and it gets scanned perfectly. Unless you're this particular idiot. I manually rotated the paper ever so slightly then scanned again. Less uphill but still uphill. After a difficult long day, I had no patience left for lines going uphill. I became very upset. I said things to the scanner... things that, had I said them to the wife, would cause a divorce. Finally I got the document almost straight. Unfortunately there was a page two.. same process, but it was worse. More screaming at an inanimate object. Both of my deaf neighbors heard me. They were napping, hearing aids out, in rooms with windows shut, air conditioners on, and blankets covering their heads. They heard every word. I'm surprised the Word Police didn't stop by for another visit. Even threatening to grind the scanner into a fine powder did not intimidate it. Page two finally emerged, only slightly uphill.
I'm just going to spend the rest of the evening picking bits of printer/scanner out of the neighbors' houses. If I don't make any noise, they'll never know.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Sexual Harassment in the Workplace - a How-To
What did I learn at school work today?
I learned there are specific things you may not pick on.
This comes as a bit of a shock to me after learning that there is no discrimination tolerated in the workplace or the country. I am an equal opportunity unnerver: I hate everybody equally, and I strive to keep discrimination out of my unnerving and picking. Apparently I have to discriminate based upon certain criteria:
I learned there are specific things you may not pick on.
This comes as a bit of a shock to me after learning that there is no discrimination tolerated in the workplace or the country. I am an equal opportunity unnerver: I hate everybody equally, and I strive to keep discrimination out of my unnerving and picking. Apparently I have to discriminate based upon certain criteria:
- Under sex, I may not needle anyone over pregnancy. Does this mean if somebody tells a woman how wonderful she looks with her pregnant glow, they're harassing her? I can understand asking her where she found clothes for her size elephant, but not positive comments on her appearance. As if that weren't fun enough, you can't make light of someone's genetic information (hey - nice chromosomes!), gender identity (Hey Tony - do you identify as male or female on Tuesdays?), or marital stuff (you're married? What a putz!). Naturally this group includes transgendered people (Tina - about your date.... didja tell him you had a penis yet?).
- Under sex, it's unwelcome sexual advances (but not welcome ones, including to pregnant women, if you're into that sort of thing), requests for sexual favors (no statement on wanted or unwanted), conduct of a sexual nature (getting caught in the Boom Boom Room), and when it interferes with performance (Mr. Smith, your constant harassment of the janitorial staff, although wanted, has impacted your (and their) performance. You can't get your job done effectively during Mop Time, which you have scheduled in the Boom Boom Room every hour or so). Homework: Is asking "How long does it take you to recharge?" sexual harassment?
- I may NOT post critiques of my coworkers on social media (if it affects my work performance). Goodbye ThermionicEmissions.
- Anyone observing harassment must immediately go to HR, to have the incident graded. HR has the best sexual harassment jokes.
- If one of the people under you is reported to have harassed someone, you are hereby ordered to cover it up with great speed; including ripping, shredding, and small fires.
My wife is, to use a really horrid phrase, all that and a bag of chips.
We try to eat healthy. I have taken the unprecedented step of trading one soda per day for lemon water (I'm down to 5 sodas per day!). It hurts, but one must do what one can. Also cutting out most of the junk sugar, which hurts even more. I keep hearing that white sugar is poison. If that's true, I say let the suicide continue!
Wife always comes up with Interesting Stuff. This week it's veggie chips. Not content with regular veggie chips, these are sweet potato and beet chips. It may sound disgusting, and in fact is. Well, the beet chips anyway. You have this large bag of chips, half of which you will not eat, lest you turn as purple as the chips. Beet chips. Whose wonderful friggin' idea was that? Ok, marketing staff - we need the Next Big Thing in allegedly healthy snacks. Because people feel good about eating a 400 calorie veggie chip instead of a 40 calorie potato chip.
A Michigan State University economist found $21 TRILLION in unauthorized government Defense Department spending. Government Math does not take into account inflation (or reality). This is made worse by the Defense Department budget being $9.5 trillion.
Take a moment to consider this. Your tax dollars are funding a $21 trillion Defense Department spend, among millions of other things. Ever wonder how much the governmentsteals collects in taxes? I'm sure the figures are available for those who look, but $21 trillion for defense spending alone? Not including staff and property? There is no time better than now to abolish the income tax, illegally passed, as a 'temporary' measure. Look at what your hard earned money is funding. From the last chart I saw, Defense is not the largest part of the budget - entitlements are (welfare, Medicare, Medicaid).
If you wish to give your money to Defense or entitlements, that's fine with me. Just don't take mine by force. If you don't believe income tax is taken by force, try not paying yours.
Things would be much better if we cut government radically. Maintain a strong defensive military. Keep the roads in good shape. Don't commission studies on cow flatulence or fund arts. Don't send billions in financial and military aid to our allies. You'll have a lot more of your own money to spend or save as you wish, plus limited government interference. Sound good?
By the way, the last admission of not being able to account for trillions of dollars was given by Donald Rumsfeld on 9-10-2001 and obscured by something that happened the next day.
Things to tell your friends at parties:
At the beginning of 2018, 63% of Web traffic comes from mobile devices; it is expected to pass 2/3 of all traffic by the end of the year. You should probably follow this up with a Kardashian quote, so your friends don't look at you funny.
I mostly enter the bedroom at night, with the lights off, to avoid waking anyone, woman or dog.
Creak goes the door.
Noiselessly he enters.
The almost noiseless bump, as he walks right into a 6' clothing wall.
The sudden loud cursing as he gives up the idea of not waking anybody and decides maybe they need to be awakened after all.
When I'm not walking into walls of clothes in the dark, I have to admit it's a great idea. Marshall gets to move around less impeded and has more area to rest (although he seems to like the bed now, out of spite). Do not walk into a dark room and sit on your bed, next to or on top of a sleeping spaniel with a Cone of Shame. It's an experience you will not want to repeat, and one that will cause numerous expensive hours of therapy just to get you back in the room, no less in the bed.
The only problem here is that the 6' wall of clothing includes many of my clothes. And they're the very important kind: clean. It looks like the wall was created by using the clean clothes as the base, then dumping out several hampers' worth of dirty clothes on top. Apparently this was not a problem, as it was for the dog. However, this will be a problem when she, who does the laundry, realizes that she now has 6' of dirty clothes that she made dirty. Her Dirt Sensors will go on overload. Good thing I have weeks of extra clothes. Bad thing they're all under the dirty ones.
Speaking of bed, getting into bed has reached critical mass again. Something about my bed, particularly my spot, causes deep distortions in the fabric of space and time. Either physics or my wife or Marshall is really unhappy about me getting into an unmolested bed (stay with me - it's not what you think). Most normal humans (that explains it) walk into a room and get into bed. Poof - that simple. Not me. Once I bump into the 6' wall of clothing or someone's collection of hangers that were left on the floor to sort by color, I locate the bed, managing to hit it about 68% of the time, sometimes by falling on it. Anyone else could go to sleep and that would be all. Since it's our house, things don't work that way.
I do not get into bed without problems. They're not earth shattering problems, but they tend to get annoying on a nightly basis. They should be interesting because they're different every night, but no. Last night I sat on something. Fortunately it wasn't the dog because I don't want a cone up my butt. No, this felt like what it was; a pile of clothes, as determined by the sensory apparatus in my ass. It was an interesting pile of neatly folded clothes, perhaps put there to avoid getting dirty as part of the 6' wall of clothes. Regardless, none of this was helping me get into bed and off to sleep, so I moved them. Right on top of my wife, who continued sleeping. I figured she'd know what to do with them, if Marshall didn't make pillows out of them (she got up the next morning and asked why there were clothes in the bed). If there are no clothes, the mattress has shifted a foot off its normal position. If the mattress was hanging four feet in the air, it would no longer surprise me.
Sometimes I have to move the dog off my pillow, which is apparently a very popular spot when I'm not there. In fact, sometimes I'm lucky to find a pillow at all, after it was snatched by the Pillow Pilferers, aka my wife. She has twelve of them - why steal mine? After moving the dog and locating the pillow, something else feels wrong. Yes, the main sheet has SPROINGED loose from the mattress and is somewhere in the middle of the bed. The middle of the bed is a slippery designation which can range from True Middle to the last 6" that I've been allotted for the night. Trying to locate the end of the sheet is only slightly more difficult than world peace, so I try to ignore it. It turns out that I forget all about the sheet when I discover half the pillow is hanging off the bed. My personal sheet (we have to use two because someone steals it and twirls it around themselves, in an allegedly unconscious move) has been stolen and all I have is my blanket, which isn't all that useful in high temperature/high humidity situations.
Are you getting the idea?
It's very difficult to get in bed at all, without entertainment.
I wonder if the wife and dog only pretend to be asleep, but are actually doing these things for their amusement. They're both very clever.
Every night I check my alarm. This is because I need to know it's set and will go off at the correct time, so when the correct time arrives, it won't go off and I will remember that I checked it. This is important when I'm screaming because the alarm didn't go off. This alarm, given to me by my late grandmother, is distinguished by its yellowing plastic and a HUGE crack/dent in the top, which happened when it didn't go off one day and I showed it I was displeased.
Plugging my phone into the charger, I discover there's no plug - it has snaked its way down to the back of the bed, requiring bedroom fishing, a sport that I just invented. It's on the floor next to my earbuds, which I use so as to not disturb Wife with the All Night Porn Binges. Or the radio, depending on my mood.
The other night there was barely any room because of the elephant. Sometimes it's stuffed animals, in addition to the real one(s).
The other night it was a 1982 Chevy wagon. This was most unfortunate, as the 70s Chevys had more room under them, so I could slide right in. In fact, I had a 75 Chevy wagon with so much room under the hood, my dad could fit in there and close the hood. He still needed a light to work on the engine. Also found were army men (we don't HAVE any army men), lingerie (I don't HAVE any lingerie), hangars (the airplane kind), and dust that's about to die from old age. There's an awful lot of movement in bed for people who aren't doing that other thing people do in bed. And by that, I mean snoring. She snores so loudly that I can feel the floor vibrating downstairs. Apparently that's nothing compared to MY snoring, which upsets even the 75% deaf dog, as well as the antedeluvian dust. Tiny amounts of this dust were around to comfort Jesus during that rather unpleasant being nailed to wood affair. I was against it.
So yeah, getting into bed is always a negatively interesting activity. If there were an Olympic getting into bed event, I would win the gold, with the silver winner far off in my dust. With Jesus.
We try to eat healthy. I have taken the unprecedented step of trading one soda per day for lemon water (I'm down to 5 sodas per day!). It hurts, but one must do what one can. Also cutting out most of the junk sugar, which hurts even more. I keep hearing that white sugar is poison. If that's true, I say let the suicide continue!
Wife always comes up with Interesting Stuff. This week it's veggie chips. Not content with regular veggie chips, these are sweet potato and beet chips. It may sound disgusting, and in fact is. Well, the beet chips anyway. You have this large bag of chips, half of which you will not eat, lest you turn as purple as the chips. Beet chips. Whose wonderful friggin' idea was that? Ok, marketing staff - we need the Next Big Thing in allegedly healthy snacks. Because people feel good about eating a 400 calorie veggie chip instead of a 40 calorie potato chip.
- It's a good time to be a criminal in the UK. Well, a female criminal anyway. "Women should no longer be sent to prison unless they have committed a serious crime," the Justice Secretary said yesterday.
- Just when you thought you heard the height of ridiculous, the UK comes along and tops it. In their quest for equality, women have achieved it and better. They are now more equal than their penile-equipped opposite numbers.
- If you're male, make sure you identify as female during the crime, which must be respected.
A Michigan State University economist found $21 TRILLION in unauthorized government Defense Department spending. Government Math does not take into account inflation (or reality). This is made worse by the Defense Department budget being $9.5 trillion.
Take a moment to consider this. Your tax dollars are funding a $21 trillion Defense Department spend, among millions of other things. Ever wonder how much the government
If you wish to give your money to Defense or entitlements, that's fine with me. Just don't take mine by force. If you don't believe income tax is taken by force, try not paying yours.
Things would be much better if we cut government radically. Maintain a strong defensive military. Keep the roads in good shape. Don't commission studies on cow flatulence or fund arts. Don't send billions in financial and military aid to our allies. You'll have a lot more of your own money to spend or save as you wish, plus limited government interference. Sound good?
By the way, the last admission of not being able to account for trillions of dollars was given by Donald Rumsfeld on 9-10-2001 and obscured by something that happened the next day.
- Because we learn from our failures, particularly the Equifax data breach, Exactis, a data broker, recently exposed over 300 million personal records. The database was attached to the internet without a firewall. Without a firewall. This is a kindergarten level booboo. What blithering idiot connects a computer to the net without protection? Exactis, apparently.
- Data including personal interests, home and email addresses, religious beliefs, smoking status, phone numbers, and even the number, age and sex of a family's children was available to anyone who looked. It remains to be seen whether they're too big to jail, like Equifax.
- Speaking of Equifax, a former manager, who sold shares in the company before it disclosed the breach, has been charged with insider trading. He settled, returning his $75,000 gain, plus profits. He is the second insider to be charged. I was mistaken when I said no one would be charged for this.
Things to tell your friends at parties:
At the beginning of 2018, 63% of Web traffic comes from mobile devices; it is expected to pass 2/3 of all traffic by the end of the year. You should probably follow this up with a Kardashian quote, so your friends don't look at you funny.
- Hey, what's Faceyspaces up to this week? They've filed for a number of patents on technologies that help them spy on even more user data, including sleeping, during tv shows, tracking daily routines, checking cell phone location against friends' cell phones, identify and track phone cameras. Patents don't mean the technology is in place, but this is Faceyspaces we're talking about. This will show you how they think.
If you're a Ticketmaster customer, anywhere except North America, your information probably got stolen.
- You can't pay for this kind of entertainment: President Trump put "Low IQ" Maxine Waters on notice for her call to verbally harass and harm Trump supporters.
- It is illegal to incite a riot of ten or more people.
I mostly enter the bedroom at night, with the lights off, to avoid waking anyone, woman or dog.
Creak goes the door.
Noiselessly he enters.
The almost noiseless bump, as he walks right into a 6' clothing wall.
The sudden loud cursing as he gives up the idea of not waking anybody and decides maybe they need to be awakened after all.
When I'm not walking into walls of clothes in the dark, I have to admit it's a great idea. Marshall gets to move around less impeded and has more area to rest (although he seems to like the bed now, out of spite). Do not walk into a dark room and sit on your bed, next to or on top of a sleeping spaniel with a Cone of Shame. It's an experience you will not want to repeat, and one that will cause numerous expensive hours of therapy just to get you back in the room, no less in the bed.
The only problem here is that the 6' wall of clothing includes many of my clothes. And they're the very important kind: clean. It looks like the wall was created by using the clean clothes as the base, then dumping out several hampers' worth of dirty clothes on top. Apparently this was not a problem, as it was for the dog. However, this will be a problem when she, who does the laundry, realizes that she now has 6' of dirty clothes that she made dirty. Her Dirt Sensors will go on overload. Good thing I have weeks of extra clothes. Bad thing they're all under the dirty ones.
Speaking of bed, getting into bed has reached critical mass again. Something about my bed, particularly my spot, causes deep distortions in the fabric of space and time. Either physics or my wife or Marshall is really unhappy about me getting into an unmolested bed (stay with me - it's not what you think). Most normal humans (that explains it) walk into a room and get into bed. Poof - that simple. Not me. Once I bump into the 6' wall of clothing or someone's collection of hangers that were left on the floor to sort by color, I locate the bed, managing to hit it about 68% of the time, sometimes by falling on it. Anyone else could go to sleep and that would be all. Since it's our house, things don't work that way.
I do not get into bed without problems. They're not earth shattering problems, but they tend to get annoying on a nightly basis. They should be interesting because they're different every night, but no. Last night I sat on something. Fortunately it wasn't the dog because I don't want a cone up my butt. No, this felt like what it was; a pile of clothes, as determined by the sensory apparatus in my ass. It was an interesting pile of neatly folded clothes, perhaps put there to avoid getting dirty as part of the 6' wall of clothes. Regardless, none of this was helping me get into bed and off to sleep, so I moved them. Right on top of my wife, who continued sleeping. I figured she'd know what to do with them, if Marshall didn't make pillows out of them (she got up the next morning and asked why there were clothes in the bed). If there are no clothes, the mattress has shifted a foot off its normal position. If the mattress was hanging four feet in the air, it would no longer surprise me.
Sometimes I have to move the dog off my pillow, which is apparently a very popular spot when I'm not there. In fact, sometimes I'm lucky to find a pillow at all, after it was snatched by the Pillow Pilferers, aka my wife. She has twelve of them - why steal mine? After moving the dog and locating the pillow, something else feels wrong. Yes, the main sheet has SPROINGED loose from the mattress and is somewhere in the middle of the bed. The middle of the bed is a slippery designation which can range from True Middle to the last 6" that I've been allotted for the night. Trying to locate the end of the sheet is only slightly more difficult than world peace, so I try to ignore it. It turns out that I forget all about the sheet when I discover half the pillow is hanging off the bed. My personal sheet (we have to use two because someone steals it and twirls it around themselves, in an allegedly unconscious move) has been stolen and all I have is my blanket, which isn't all that useful in high temperature/high humidity situations.
Are you getting the idea?
It's very difficult to get in bed at all, without entertainment.
I wonder if the wife and dog only pretend to be asleep, but are actually doing these things for their amusement. They're both very clever.
Every night I check my alarm. This is because I need to know it's set and will go off at the correct time, so when the correct time arrives, it won't go off and I will remember that I checked it. This is important when I'm screaming because the alarm didn't go off. This alarm, given to me by my late grandmother, is distinguished by its yellowing plastic and a HUGE crack/dent in the top, which happened when it didn't go off one day and I showed it I was displeased.
Plugging my phone into the charger, I discover there's no plug - it has snaked its way down to the back of the bed, requiring bedroom fishing, a sport that I just invented. It's on the floor next to my earbuds, which I use so as to not disturb Wife with the All Night Porn Binges. Or the radio, depending on my mood.
The other night there was barely any room because of the elephant. Sometimes it's stuffed animals, in addition to the real one(s).
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know - Groucho Marx
The other night it was a 1982 Chevy wagon. This was most unfortunate, as the 70s Chevys had more room under them, so I could slide right in. In fact, I had a 75 Chevy wagon with so much room under the hood, my dad could fit in there and close the hood. He still needed a light to work on the engine. Also found were army men (we don't HAVE any army men), lingerie (I don't HAVE any lingerie), hangars (the airplane kind), and dust that's about to die from old age. There's an awful lot of movement in bed for people who aren't doing that other thing people do in bed. And by that, I mean snoring. She snores so loudly that I can feel the floor vibrating downstairs. Apparently that's nothing compared to MY snoring, which upsets even the 75% deaf dog, as well as the antedeluvian dust. Tiny amounts of this dust were around to comfort Jesus during that rather unpleasant being nailed to wood affair. I was against it.
So yeah, getting into bed is always a negatively interesting activity. If there were an Olympic getting into bed event, I would win the gold, with the silver winner far off in my dust. With Jesus.
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