I wanted the day off from blogging, but don't have one of those Best Of ThermionicEmissions programs, so here I am.
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It's July 4th, aka Independence Day, when Americans celebrate getting explosives at halfway decent prices. Except in the states where tiny little firecrackers are illegal (oddly enough, my state). Like cheap liquor, one has to cross a state line and once over it, there appear lots of firecracker vendors.
For reasons we cannot understand, there are frequent explosions in the neighborhood. I swear to you on anything unholy that I am not responsible for these; my fireworks are verbal only. It's probably the Loud Family. Since they stopped being verbally loud, they shifted to construction equipment and explosions. Wife tells me it was an M80 the other day. How the wife can distinguish an M80 from other explosives might have something to do with her interesting childhood. I shouldn't talk: I remember some friends and I putting an M80 in a glass soda bottle (remember glass bottles and measurements that weren't liters?) and RAN LIKE HELL. It was a really stupid thing to do. I explained to the police that I was a man of science, and was only there in an observatory manner. Kids made their own fun in those days. Things were simpler. Today it would be a full stick of dynamite in someone's 1,000 year old Ming vase, with the whole thing captured on cell phone video and posted to Faceyspaces, including the part where the emergency room doctors pulled all those Bits of Ming out of their faces and buttocks. Additional footage from someone's aerial drone.
But seriously, that's not what Independence Day is about. It's about 24 hours long, and a day off from work (mostly in the US). It's a day when yahoos, who only recently removed Eagles flags from their cars, buy things that go BOOM and set them up in the street, where their kids learn about disappointment when the things fail to blow up. They also learn patience, when the things that failed to blow up actually DO blow up, usually in their hands. They also learn about our failing healthcare system via the emergency room, where every intake form has the word Explosives pre-printed on it and there are seven guys with fire extinguishers at the door.
Independence Day will also be a time of surprise and great learning to the Cell Phone Generation, which thinks this is a lot of fuss for a Will Smith movie.
On July the actual Fourth, DC festivities include a concert by the National Symphony Orchestra on the lawn of the Capitol. "Margaritaville" singer Jimmy Buffett, The Temptations, The Beach Boys and Luke Combs will also perform. The concert is the result of a very secret back room deal at the White House. City planners and Homeland Security wanted the holiday off but had no idea how to make this happen. Some bright soul, since promoted to Vice President, had the idea of a Huge Concert, featuring Jimmy Buffet and the remains of what was left of the always-feuding Beach Boys. This alone would cause everyone to stay away from DC and give the workers a day off. Who is seriously going to put the Beach Boys through a metal detector? Mike Love can barely hold up a microphone, no less explosives. If he had a gun, it would keep falling through his no belt necessary slacks, into his support hose. Anybody with a set of ears, or even one ear, is put off by Autotune. Several of the Beach Boys are one of the few acts in history who could use a pitch-correcting device. But we applaud because they are a part of America, representing all of DC's beaches. Jimmy Buffet's corpse will mime Margaritaville, to both of his fans, who are wearing formerly live parrots on their heads. A dead parrot?
Speaking of parrots, people from other countries ignore, are mad at, or make fun of Independence Day. A Canadian told me he doesn't celebrate because he lives in Canada. No, really? The British pretend to ignore the holiday because they got their bums handed to them by George Washington, while Ben Franklin slept with their wives. George and his men endured innumerable hardships, like no shoes in freezing temperatures, and tiny log cabins that weren't built til after the war. Ever drive through Valley Forge National Park? It's a magnificent site, full of log cabins and beautiful green grass. You'd hardly know there were dead patriots feeding the grass. Have a picnic. They don't allow dogs, but they allow Philadelphians.. that's just wrong.
France helped out and even sent us the Statue of Liberty. Unfortunately no good deed ever goes unpunished, and France is universally laughed at by every country on Earth, including Somalia, which has endured a 150 year long civil war over what their national language should be. France is universally known for their Surrendering Activities, spawning jokes like:
- Did you hear about the new French tank? It has six reverse gears and one forward gear, in case the enemy sneaks up from behind.
- Wanna buy a French infantry rifle? Never fired, only dropped once.
Canada blames Independence day on the NRA. Liberals blame anything that explodes on Trump. Conservatives rev up their pickup trucks and shine their gun racks. Some of those trucks require steps to get in and out. Congress could not be reached for comment because they're on vacation between April and the following March. Libertarians bemoan what has happened to an almost perfect system devised by the Founding Fathers and lament all that tax money spent on official celebrations. Do you know what the Green Party does? Nobody does, because nobody cares. Man of the people and Average Joe, Bernie Sanders, will be jetting between his six houses. Hollywood would be out in force but they're all heading to a party at the House of Harvey. Rob Reiner and Wil Wheaton will tweet about how much nicer the war would have been if there were no muskets. The rest of the countries will refer to us as Barbarian Bullies. Well, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
You're no doubt asking yourselves how the staff of ThermionicEmissions is celebrating this great holiday. We're on our way to the emergency vet hospital, to get Marshall's dressing changed. We're supposed to do it ourselves when the regular vet is closed, but we're still post-traumatically stressed from the last time we tried. In spite of our care, his wound is healing nicely.
Happy Independence Day, fellow Americans.
We might not be the greatest country in the world, but we suck the least.
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