burrrrrrrrrrp - The Year in Review 2018

2018 shall forever be known as..... wait for it.....  Shit.
Dead people. Financial crap. Losing my best friend. Existential Agita. Suicidal phones, a severe lack of new guitars (exactly zero, more or less) and a wife with more than several people's shares of ill health. Due to my work probation, I can't kill anybody til next year. Windows is still popular.  Aside from that, it's been a peach.


But it was not all bad. There were many positives.... like.. ummm... no... or... then there was... that was something else... no.. wait... oh yeah, a new furry little girl, who can apparently cause things on shelves 5' high to fall to the floor so she can eviscerate them.



Let me be thankful:

No one hit the car.
I'm employed.
I still (almost) have my health.
The tic has mostly gone, but still scares people off.
I gained approximately 1.5 readers. And 10 pounds.
ThermionicEmissions had 100% uptime (Google assured me).



Mandatory Pitch

For many people, this time of year sucks eggs (or worse).
If you're one of them, reach out. Friends, professionals, religious leaders...
If you're depressed... suicidal... bipolar.... addicted...
You don't HAVE TO feel this way.
Stigma is a thing of the past. "Man Up" is ridiculous. But you can't get help unless you ask for it.
If you're really desperate, please write me via a comment (that won't be published).
If any of you harm yourselves, that's one less reader, ok?


Other Mandatory Pitch

My goal for next year is 16 readers and a comment or two. Tell your friends. Better yet, tell people you don't like. Tell your pets (they're a lot smarter than you give them credit for). If you're still speaking, tell your spouse. Tell whoever you boinked recently. Tell your priest: there's a lot of Vatican news here. Tell college students.. they'll start a war to get this blog shut down... think of the publicity!



Because I'm feeling miserable and maudlin (great band name), here are some musicians (and people) who flew the coop in 2018:

Roy Clark - Hee Haw star, multi-instrumentalist
Paul Allen - owner of a Jimi Hendrix guitar, philanthropist, helped establish Experience Seattle, co-founder of Microsoft
Burt Reynolds - best known for his rugs and as the guy who got Sally Field in short shorts
Aretha Franklin - Queen of Soul
Robert Mandan (86) actor - SOAP
Barbara Bush (92) - she seemed really nice
Steven Hawking (76)  we still don't know how he survived that long
David Ogden Stiers (75)  MASH-Winchester, Better Off Dead
Marty Balin (76) Jefferson Airplane
Ed King (68) the man who played the intro to Sweet Home Alabama
DJ Fontana (87) Elvis' drummer
Matthew Mellon (53) banking heir - contrary to expectations, there was no interest
Fast Eddie Clarke (67) Motorhead guitarist
Matt "Guitar" Murphy (88) - Blues Brothers guitarist
Alan Bean (86) - 4th man on the moon
Charles Neville (79) - Neville Brothers
Art Bell (72) - the man who invented paranormal radio
Nokie Edwards (82) The Ventures guitarist
Ingvar Kamprad (91) Ikea founder. Buried without a casket because they couldn't put it together.
Marshall Cocker (13) - aka Muppet Paws; spiritual leader, cat food enthusiast, owner of 2 humans and a bed
My Nerves - shot



Continuing to Fight Life:

John Henry 'Bonzo' Bonham - drummer, alcohol enthusiast
Jimi Hendrix - he played guitar (left handed), his 'equipment' documented by the Plaster Casters, more groupies than Led Zeppelin (combined), most bandmates remain with him.
Frank Zappa - virtuoso composer and guitarist, ate the yellow snow
Joe Cocker - not Feelin Alright
Davy Jones - no longer Monkeying around
The Beach Boys - nobody told them
Scott Weiland - Stone Temple Pilots frontman, bipolar pharmaceutical enthusiast
Allman Brothers - falling like mad
Badfinger - 50% gone, suicide enthusiasts
Motorhead - 66% gone, including a 70 year old still having Jack and meth for breakfast
Electric Light Orchestra - all replaced by Jeff Lynne
Robert Palmer - still in the alley with Sally
Leslie West - leg only
Gary Moore - Still having the blues
Danny Gatton - world's greatest unknown guitarist, shotgun enthusiast
Les Paul - inventor of the electric guitar (and everything else)
Lynyrd Skynyrd - everybody but one
Bee Gees - Barry is nervous




People We Wish Were Dead:

Feel free to leave suggestions



WTF Happened This Year anyway?

A false missile alert in Hawaii, Ron Jeremy was banned from the Adult Video News Awards, Tide Pods became a popular teen snack, California banned straws, we bid hello to Chocolate Frosted Flakes and goodbye to Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows, celebrities continued not to move to Canada after Trump won, it rained a total of 364 days, a man was taken off a plane for farting, Amazon sent sex toys to random people, a Malaysian newspaper featured an article telling how to spot a gay man, "Imma do it like dis Imma gonna do it like dat" graced commercials, Mothers Day cards should be more transgender-sensitive, Nancy Pelosi said politicians can learn something from drag queens, Oprah said she'd run for president if God told her to - God wisely stopped talking to her, a murderer's defense was that acne medicine made him do it, Gun Control movement is too white, super gonorrhea discovered, Starbucks closed its 8,000 stores for racial bias education day, masculinity as a cult, brow bars, facial recognition software discriminates against black people (if serial killers only killed Chinese/Jewish people, someone would say they were being discriminated against), London's gang database is 87% black, Asian, minority, ethnic - rendering it racially discriminatory, a severed snake head can bite, the reason any Americans are poor is they're not working, you can slip and fall on a 6" shower pipe and get it stuck in your rectum.


Don't forget colleges and universities: toxic masculinity, counternarratives around whiteness, you can't say nigger in a free speech class, whiteness is an existential threat to the US, librarians argue that Christians who say God Bless You are Islamophobic, the White Privilege conference, Christians, especially white ones-receive perks, heterosexual privilege, cisgender privilege, able-bodied privilege, unconscious bias, Jesus was a drag queen with queer desires, the wilderness club can't go out because the wilderness is too dangerous, and the No Whites Allowed pool party.


United Airlines had a particularly good year: they dragged someone off a plane, forced a woman to put her dog in overhead-where it died, flew a dog to Germany by mistake, and their 286 IBM PCjr broke, grounding the airline for a week.

• It's not that I fail - it's that I fail to succeed. Every time.

 According to Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy), flying is hurling yourself at the ground and missing.

• My friend had an audience with a Serious Dude at a record company today. He texted to let me know he's pooping in XXX Records' bathroom. These are the people you keep with you all your life.

Let's not bitch about that which was: let's bitch about that which will be:

lefty's predictions for 2019

1. People will do stupid shit on their computers, continuing their reign as the weakest link in the security chain.
2. Hillary will announce her presidency in about 4 weeks.
3. Companies will leave their buckets open, inviting hackers to hack.
4. People will say bad things about the president.
5. Many many people will bemoan Mondays.
6. A famous female music star will have a meltdown.
7. The phrase 'hump day' will be used 437.7345 million times.
8. I will use the words 'my dog' 265 and a half times
9. Half the government will be in litigation against the other half
10. California will do something whacky
11. Charley Manson will return, spreading his message of peace and love.
12. Higher Learning will be less learning and more higher.
13. Medical marijuana will become legal across the country
14. Most of the country will develop medical issues
15. New York will ban packets of sugar
16. The San Andreas Fault will be renamed the San Andreas Geological Feature, because California says 'fault' implies blame and hurts feelings.
17. The NRA will force another 4 million people to buy guns
18. Hockey will continue to discriminate against Asians with Downs Syndrome
19. Faceyspaces will get caught leaking personal information. The resulting uproar won't wake an infant.
20. Texas will ban cars with engines under 6 cylinders, which would be just about all of them. Except pickup trucks.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!
Thanks muchly for coming by.

Air Escaping from Your Buttocks

Musical Appreciation Time

This was my least favorite class in school. Sure, I'm a musician, but lyrics baffle me. If I had my way, and I make a point of it, we'd just banish them from music. It's like Shakespeare: it's simply not written to be understood. "Oh Capulet... wherefore art thou, Montague - the kettle's on the boil and we're so easily drawn away." How do you interpret this stuff?

So let's go.
Today's entry is from Procol Harum. Right off the bat we're in trouble, because we can't even understand the name. In fact, we can't even tell what language it's in. Might be English - who knows?  The song is called Conquistador. Another way we can tell we're in trouble is that he pronounces it ConKWIStador. Two countries separated by a common language.

So one day, Famous Rock Star Gary Brooker sits down and says to himself, "Self, I need a hit to follow Whiter Shade of Pale. Hey, why don't I write a song about Spain's failed conquering activities in some dinky country, probably in northern South America, where the natives are less than happy to see them?"  Because this is always the first thing that comes to mind when searching for song topics.

Conquistador your stallion stands, in need of company 

And like some angel's haloed brow, you reek of purity.

 Are we done yet? I am.
We can safely assume a conquistador, however it's pronounced, is one of those Spanish guys who went around causing havoc, conquering land and people, in the name of the queen (Elton John, before he became a Sir).  His horse is lonely, for some reason, and he's really really pure. Do we seriously want to know what pure meant, way back then?

And though you came with sword held high, you did not conquer - only die.

 Now we've hit the crux of the biscuit.
This is a a delightfully witty way of defining abject failure.


And this is why I failed literature and music appreciation.



We bid fond farewell to Daryl Dragon, better known as the Captain, from the Captain and Tenille. Love won't keep them together.




Dear lefty

• Blog Ignorer Chng Ng, of the University of No Vowels, Wales, asks why don't you show your face?
• Dear Cheech: Ask me that question when you're back in men's clothes.

Is it too late for updated Chrsitmas songs? [yes]

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
I'm Dreaming of a White Woman
My Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
The Little Jewish Boy: I'm Hasidic, baruch atah tah



Speaking of little Jewish boys, the world has come a long way. Or a short way, depending on your perspective.

My extensive research (I asked a Jew I know) revealed how difficult it was growing up Jewish. Her friends' parents looked at her suspiciously, almost as they'd look at a black girl, but less. In school she'd have to sing Christmas songs - one didn't opt-out then. When she asked about Hanukkah songs, the teacher blew a spring and the class snickered at her. When her mom watched the neighbor's kids while the mother was having another one, they thanked her and said they didn't know Jews could be so nice.

Seriously?

In other directly sourced items, Wife survived Catholic school and got the t-shirt. She said they barely said a word about Jews, other than they were the devil. Wife thought they had horns or something... she didn't know how else to pick them out.

Seriously?




I miss Leon Russell.
He was a member of the Wrecking Crew - the studio guys who played on everyone's records from Sinatra to the Beach Boys. He did solo stuff, he was Joe Cocker's bandleader for the Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, and he was always a sight, with long hair and a genuine southern twang. Sir Elton John inducted Leon into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2011. You need to watch this - Elton's speech is heartwarming. If you listen very carefully, Elton's piano playing sounds an awful lot like Leon's. Also check out Tedeschi Trucks Band with the reunited Mad Dogs personnel, Leon included.

Quantum Physics Question: Dave Mason (Traffic) wrote Feelin Alright, one of Joe Cocker's biggest songs. When Dave came out and sang Feelin Alright in Joe's style, did that create some sort of universal vacuum or antimatter?

• We bid farewell to Sondra Locke(74), actress and girlfriend of Clint Eastwood, from complications of cancer.

Apparently I was bored.
A friend popped by and we went for dinner.
When I got home, the phone told me there was an update. This is not right, because I have those services turned off. I told it to go ahead and reboot, at which point they told me I couldn't make phone calls while the phone rebooted. YOU'RE KIDDING.... I can't make phone calls while the phone's off? I'm returning it. I expected better.

During the 90 seconds, I got pretty screens. 5 minutes later, I was looking at the same screens. Lovely.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't reboot the thing. Finally I found it, the phone rebooted, and the update finally completed. Good thing, as I was going to lodge the update in some carrier's nether regions, as soon as I could make a call.  Reminder: BACK YOUR PHONE UP FREQUENTLY. Just in case.

• Once again, the blog stats show some interesting places people have been before arriving here. I don't know who, and I'm not interested. Just that the adult cam sites are apparently very popular with people (don't worry, the stats don't tell me who). Either that or the Adult Anal and Cheating on your wife sites gave up and cam sites took over Troll Duty. So I salute people with interesting lives, unlike mine. Bring us back some video, please. Share with your fellow readers.

Dear lefty

• Captain Shlomo Ionicelli, Italo-Israel Police, wants to know how to get even with his sister for the Hooker Fiasco.
• Get her kids drums for Christmas/Hanukkah

Another day, another Faceyspaces booboo.

Remember they hired factcheckers to fix their 'fake news' problem?

The checkers are walking because Faceyspaces is ignoring their concerns.

• Today's best out-of-context statement: Would you get her poop? 
• Also: When you get a minute, can you come in here and feel my anal gland?

Speaking of pets, do something nice for the holidays (or regularly): your local SPCA, rescue group, and vet can always use Stuff and donations. Our vet has a basket and fund to help people with their bills and foods, including meds your pet didn't use and toys. The SPCA always needs donations - food, towels, money. Rescue groups are funded from the pockets of the volunteers (I used to be one). Marshall will be making a donation this year, unfortunately posthumously.

• Here's a conspiracy so dark, so real, so mean-spirited, that people dare not talk about it: Christmas. Christmas itself can go either way: great or sucky. Thus far, mine is as much fun as chewing glass. Even a voluntary agoraphobe has to get out now and then - I like an occasional weekend jaunt. We were all set, with a plan. Then my brother called: every asshole with a car was on the road. Wife told me you'd have to circle the mall parking lot for an hour to get a spot.
• Christmas has actually prevented me from leaving the house. I will not suffer traffic, wall to wall idiots in malls and no seating in loud restaurants. Three WEEKS in the house.
• It's a madly sadly conspiracy, I tell you. 

Just for your edification, there's a forensic psychologist. In case you know this already, along with Doggie Oncologist, I bet you didn't know there's a forensic geophysicist (in case water or dirt gets murdered).

• The business that's transforming the world of Suck with vacuums and air cleaners, now has a hair dryer. It's all sorts of futuristic, with no visible heater and no visible power switch. It's 299 pounds British (447 gallons American). For that price, it should give you the option of Personal Suck, although I'd be hesitant to test out that function..... don't forget the Vacuum Incident... I haven't.

Guitar Players

Fender has a good article on neck shapes. They go over C, V, and U, with excellent descriptions (very little on radius). The irony here is that most of their guitars come with one generic C-neck. This is my bugaboo with Fender.  If you're a lefty, it's even worse. Either way, you have to spend more because the models with the nicer necks are the special (more expensive) ones, not stock models.

Check out the new Strats: 50s, 60s, and 70s series. They are very reasonably priced and have interesting neck shapes. Naturally they're not listed as available lefty, and Customer Service has not gotten back to me.

If you're interested in necks that aren't their C shape, check out the 70s Tele reissue, Baja Tele (highly recommended), 52 Tele reissue ($$), Jimmie Vaughan (older) Strat, 50s Strat, and the hideously expensive top of the line vintage 50s Strat. If you can find them - I sure as hell can't - lefty or righty. In the 5th largest market in the country, I can't find guitars. What a shithole.

Not Worth the Plutonium it Would Take to Blow Them Up

Every now and then, we see something so compellingly honest, we go back to basics and remember what it's all about.  Let's take the Lindor commercial (please). Lindor truffles are what we call Chocolate Bombs. They come in bright wrappers, in dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. If you're not having a lot of sex, like most of us, this is the next best thing.  Anyway, it starts with some sexy music and a pair of feet. They're kind of rubbing against each other, sensually. The camera eventually makes it to unwrapping, then a stunningly sexy woman puts the confection to her plump, red lips, and takes a small bite. This makes her eyes roll backwards into her sockets, like a one armed bandit. I love the hell out of this when it happens. After it's over, even I want a cigarette, and I don't smoke. THIS is a commercial.

• I still fail to grok Dog the Bounty Hunter. It's been on forever, which I also fail to understand. If any of you can explain the attraction to me, I urge you not to.

It's Recommend Software Time!

There's a pretty cool MP3/audio player called Dead Beef. It plays most formats and works on android and linux. It may be coaxed to work on OS X, but there will be no Windows version. Bummer (hysterical laughter - use Winamp). With a name like Dead Beef, you know it has to be some good software. It supports plugins and plays APE files, which is a format used by [this joke has been pre-empted by the University of Pennsylvania, which has filed suit because they don't want anyone else to enjoy the humor].

I have this bizarre problem (which one?): while random playing my music collection, I keep hearing the same songs. When I changed players, I kept hearing the same songs. Dead Beef at least uses a different randomizer. 

* don't forget: Beef Flaps is the name of the subreddit about women with large labia.

Winamp is a wonderful player that runs on most OSes, except linux (naturally).

VLC runs on anything and plays anything, audio and video. I highly recommend it for every OS except android, because it won't simply play one folder. It has to locate every media file on the entire phone. If this is good by you, go for it. It's my primary player on linux, although Dead Beef is moving up quickly.

It's Recommended Artist Time!

Carl Verheyen is a premier session guitarist, known for the spelling and pronunciation of his name. He's a phenomenal talent, with a tone and skills all his own. I think he's with Supertramp somehow, but he tours with his own band. The man can play almost anything.

Nazareth is a huge act from Scotland, known for the single Love Hurts. Another is Hair of the Dog (both 1975). Search YouTube. The vocals are a country of their own - delightfully scratchy. Due to concerns I am not permitted to divulge, he left the band recently, as well as the band being a merry go round of other members. I think the guitar roadie is the only original member. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Oh yeah, the absolute mostest funkiest riffiest keyboardist, Joe Cocker's very own Chris Stainton. Go ahead - argue with that riff.

Dear lefty

• Rear Admiral Brucie, from Down Under, asks where we get ideas for the blog
• Dear Poof: don't you have voices too?

Let me say something nice about Microsoft. 

just kidding.

No, really, here's some dirt on Win10's new Notepad features. None of us will use them, but it's good to know they're there.

• a mishap at a factory in Germany caused a ton of chocolate to escape and solidify. Honey, we're moving to Germany! Sprechen ze Chocolate?

Crime Tip:

When you're going to do something Extremely Naughty, use Private browsing mode, so there are no records you searched for beheadings before you did whatever you did.

That is all.

• In my 2009 post on WWII, I divulged that I wasn't blogging in 2009.

Senate Intel staffer James Wolfe, who was busted leaking info to reporter Ali Watkins in return for sex .... blah blah...

HANG ON... you can exchange info for sex? 

Why am I always the last to know?

• Mess Up Marketing: the theater wants to let me know Mary Poppins is back. Drop what you're doing... alert the press... masturbate furiously!
• I can barely contain my joy - Air Supply too!

Dear lefty

• Steve Blah, from Brighton Rock, wants to know how to play the guitar
• Carefully.

• Secretary of State Mike Pompeo confirmed that the government believes China is behind the Marriott Hack.
• Well.. we haven't 'exported freedom' to any country lately, so War On China! Just think of the corporate contracts! New planes, guns, fuel... this is like Viagra for Dick Cheney!

Speaking of China, no other country will take them seriously if they don't learn to spell. Sales are plummeting at Huawei. This is because it's pronounced Wah-way. They're worse than the French, who tend to drop a letter here and there.

G-Bus, watch and listen to this: stunning, in honor of the new Queen movie.

Generation Axe.

• Burton Cummings, of the Guess Who (These Eyes, No Time, Undun) tells a story about playing the flute on Undun. The guy at the music store said it was the same fingering as the sax. WHO CARES? IT'S A FLUTE.

In today's breach news, 40,000 stolen government logins are for sale on the Dark Web. They're from all countries, including... wait for it... the US. 

Hundreds of accounts on the websites of the US Senate, the Internal Revenue Service, the Department of Homeland Security and NASA were among those affected....

Remember: these are the people protecting US.
They're only protecting us from our tax dollars. 

• Work will soon have a gathering to talk about downgrading our computers to Windows 10.  I asked my boss how much it would be worth to him for me to stay home that day. Alas, no; he told me to tell him how it goes. Rest assured he will hear about my participation.... right after my probation period.

A comic turned down a gig at a British university because he was requested to sign a behavioral agreement first. This is what University Hijinks hath wrought.

The full list of topics listed by the organisers were "racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia or anti-religion or anti-atheism".

The contract said: "It does not mean that these topics cannot be discussed. But it must be done in a respectful and non-abusive way."

Think about that for a second... these are our institutes of higher learning. At this point, they're institutes of ideas that don't exist outside their protective walls.

The bigger surprise is that the college group apologized(!)

Unicef on Campus told Newsbeat: "Given that Unicef is a children's charity, we wanted to make sure it was an appropriate event for the cause. We would never wish to impose that guests would have to agree to anything they do not believe in.

No, they'd never impose censorship. Except with any guest that comes to the university, signing the behavioral agreement.

• What's Penny the Dog up to lately? When shredding books, she prefers hardcover. When shredding magazines, she prefers glossy (my Vintage Guitar magazines, to be precise). 
• If we take her outside every two hours, she only pees on the carpet a few times per week.
• The antibiotics are supposed to clear up both types of worms.
• The dog who lived with three other dogs snaps and growls at every other dog she sees while walking.
• She's terrified of linoleum. The Doggie Shrink says she was probably molested by it when she was a puppy.
• She's really affectionate and cuddly and only barks constantly several times a day. We're quite fond of her.

Operation Dirty Navel

Philly denizens are in a bad place (besides Philly).
We're coming up on three days in a row without rain. This tends to confuse the hell out of the people, who run outside, sometimes frolicking, without jackets. To add to the confusion, it's 20 degrees outside, causing frostbite on unfortunate body parts and setting off a mass flu epidemic.

Pennsylvania: the state bird is a cloud

• Faceyspaces fined $11m in Italy for misleading users about how their data will be used. They're unhappy that the account defaults are set at the most invasive, and that features are opt-out, not opt-in.
• Heh heh heh, Faceyspaces. You know they're feeling that $11m hit. That's a lunch bill.

A second major bug in Google+ is hastening its demise.

Google: It's ok, we have your data.

• Bravo to the city of North Bend, OR. They managed to get infected with ransomware demanding $50k and did not pay because they had everything backed up and could restore it.

If you're unfortunate enough to use Twitter, you get promoted tweets. This is another phrase for advertisement. Why does a jeweler advertise to technical people (professional geeks)? This is all part of my Mess with the Metrics campaign.

Dear lefty

• Rita Aaaaaah of Lincoln, Lincolnshire, asks why is your heater so small?
• Dear Small: you should have your dreams analyzed. 

We are headed up to The Holidays, as one would expect in December.

A long time ago, I moved into my house. It was a time to make my own traditions, starting with decorations. I bought one of those Charley Brown Christmas trees, about 2' tall and fake as they came. It took a while and some interesting hook techniques, but I eventually had the only tree in the neighborhood, possibly the state, with floppy disks, CDs, and vacuum tubes hanging from it. Wish I had the pics. Now that I'm married we have either a large fake tree with dog ornaments or nothing, because we can't quite get it together to put one up. Aren't you lucky that I still get the blog updated?

• For some reason I don't even want to know, Wife watches Wendy. She says she can't believe Wendy has been on for ten years. I say I can't believe Wendy has been on for ten minutes.

College Hijinks

A small group of male students are attempting to remove porn from their colleges: this started in Notre Dame, and migrated to Georgetown, Harvard Princeton, and the University of Pennsylvania.  When they say 'get rid of porn', they mean install a porn filter on the school's WIFI.  I think they should start urine testing.

The Great Porn Panic of 2018.

This is sick. 

Does it sound familiar? It should... 

The Great Alcohol Panic.

The Great Marijuana Panic.

The War on Drugs.

Baron von Frankenstein - pitchforks and torches

Society has an annoying tendency to cycle. This isn't seriously different from other panics, past or present. What they all have in common is one loud group attempting to control the behavior of others.  If you have a problem with porn, don't go to porn sites. Stop trying to tell everyone where they can and can't go. 

You're going to be shocked by this, but most of the people and groups pushing for a ban are religious. This is in spite of studies' inability to link porn with the bugaboos the religious claim.  These throwback zealots give religion a bad name. Perhaps their time would be better spent doing good in their communities.

This would be an incredible teaching moment for the schools. "We are not going to censor what you can access and here's why...." Of course if they did this, there would be SJW Rioting, the likes of which we haven't seen since conservative speakers attempted to speak on campus. Oh yeah, a loud group attempting to control what students have access to.

• But it IS Christmas, when the fancy of all young men turns to sex and guitars. 'Turns to' is a little misleading, as young men think about sex and guitars ALL the time. Or is it just me?
• Not that it matters - my toys are way too expensive.
• Although I found a great deal the other day: only $15,000 for a lefty 1958 Stratocaster. It's really cheap because someone refinished it. I told Wife I will gladly live with the refinish because this is such a great deal, and I saved her tens of thousands of dollars. Fortunately she learned a long time ago to humor me.

Emergency Update:

Three students at the University of Pennsylvania have attempted to get horseradish mustard banned from campus.

Are they allergic?

No, they just don't like it and think no one else should be able to eat it either.

Dear lefty

• Long time reader (2 weeks) Rita Ummmmm, of Bristol, PA, and Bristol, UK, asks why this blog is so ugly.
• Your opinion is very valuable to us: hold your breath while we fix the ugly.

Hollywood has stuck again: this time with the fourth version of A Star is Born. Add ten more and they'll be in competition with Rocky. They will.

The original featured Boris Karloff (because everything during those years featured Boris Karloff), and one of those black and white actresses. The second featured Barbara Streisand and Jimmy Stewart, as Rollo. The third featured Barbara Streisand and Kris 'Kris' Kristofferson, as Kris.

The latest fiasco features Barbara Streisand and Lady Gaga, as Steve. It has already won several "You're F-ing Kidding Me" awards, plus some other award with a statue.

Little known fact: The latest fiasco was supposed to be called A Star is Porn, but the University of Pennsylvania protested and mailed a white powdery substance to Harvey Weinstein (who wasn't involved with the picture). 

In other Hollywood non-news, Transformers is back for the 43rd time, rivaling Rocky. They have cleverly left 'Transformers' out of the name, hoping people won't think a huge yellow thing that turns into a small yellow Volkswagen has anything at all to do with Transformers. Harvey Weinstein's only question was were there any little boys in it.

• Definition: fireplace - a hole in the bricks that sucks all heat out of your house.

The always on the ball ticket agency wants to know if I'd like to become a member of the Slayer fan club.  Dammit... if I weren't busy chewing razorblades, I'd jump on that sweet deal.

• I saw some kid with a mullet the other day. It's just as funny now as it was ten years ago. Now, back to man buns.

While you're out gift shopping, make sure you pick up a pair of Purple brand headphones. They feature unlimited playback time, due to their battery-free design.

This is brilliant. This is also a real commercial.

• The new Chevy Econo features unlimited heat, due to its air conditioner-less design.
• Google's new Mega 3.57 phone features incredible savings on airtime, due to its tendency to completely fall apart in the user's hand.
• Not to be outdone, Samsung's S33.47q features almost unlimited battery time, due to the fact that you can't turn it on.

Say - what do the blog stats look like, lefty?
They look like a real f-ing nightmare in comparison with every other blog on the planet. This is actually a good thing.... Firefox is the biggest browser (62%), linux is the biggest operating system (67%), and there are 98 people who visit from somewhere that even Google can't identify. Oh yeah, I generate 34% of the traffic myself.

• It's holiday time and sadly, the singing Amazon boxes are back.  Mental health advocates worldwide are lodging complaints. The commercials cause two reactions: murder and medicine (raise the dosage).

At some point in the year we have National Mental Health Day.
Christmas has to be one of the saddest days of the year for people suffering from loss, loneliness, depression, and too many people trying to talk to them, rather than emailing. Please do a true good deed this season and check in on people who could use it.

Also make sure to shoot any of those bell-ringers outside stores. Do it for the children.

Jimmy Page Reads This

*no he doesn't.



More Faceyspaces Fallout:

In April 2015, Six4Three sued Facebook, claiming that Facebook’s sudden yanking of access rendered both the app and the company itself “worthless.”

They could have saved a lot of time and money by asking me. I knew FB was worthless years ago.  Read 'em and weep.

• The Secret Service is testing facial recognition at the White House. So make sure you put on your happy face when you visit. Also make sure it's the same face as on your drivers license; that's probably got facial recognition built in too.

Canada's 1-800-FLOWERS got eaten by Magecart malware. If you need flowers, dial 1-800-MAGECART or 1-800-WERE-SCREWED.

• Apparently I missed when the Universe started screaming for a(nother) Grinch movie. Since nature abhors a vacuum, Hollywood obliged them. What's this - number 3? I remember laughing when I was a miniscule irritant. Now that I'm a much taller and rounder irritant, I am not amused.

Just when we thought the US couldn't get any sillier in government cybersecurity, we learn Japan's deputy chief of government cybersecurity strategy has never used a computer.  Next week I am starting a new job as US Minister of Dance.

• Just two days after the Starwood/Marriott breach, there are already two class action suits. Never let it be said that our legal system is slow and not helpful.
• One of the suits states that the 'unauthorized sharing' is still going on.

Every now and then interviewers ask interviewees (because it would be stupid to ask their parents) about their guilty pleasures. I don't have any. I do have some interests that people might find.... odd. We know of my Monkees thing. I've also recently discovered The Scorpions. This is proof of my astute observational abilities (the band was formed in 1965). It took me almost as long to realize the gentlemen are from Germany and have a bit of an accent (told you I was fast). "Here we go again, all the weeeee from the stot." It's kinda funny listening to their between song banter. But seriously, listen to a few of their songs. The recording is excellent, the songs well written, and Klaus the Singer has a pretty wide range. Not bad for heavy metal. Check out Still Lovin You, for one.  They don't need me - they've sold over 110 million records, but I won't let either of those facts deter me.

Next month: The Bangles.  Just kidding.

• United Airlines has a new phone app. It doesn't do anything for you, but it uses your phone's processing power to help keep their computer system up. In exchange, they promise not to drag you, kicking and screaming, off their planes.

HEADLINE:  "Golden Globes shatters diversity record: 4 of 10 best picture nominees have non-white directors"

Dad?

Yes, son.

What is a diversity record?

It's a round black thing that makes no noise because no one could agree on which grooves to cut in it.

Is this the stuff Mom told you not to talk to me about?

No, son.

So what is it?

What is what?

What is a diversity record?

Oh, that. It's an imaginary list.

Why?

That's a good question, boy.

Are you going to tell me or do I have to tell Mom about your secretary blowing you up by your nozzle?

I was just getting to it, my little darling. There have been movies forever. Recently a bunch of people got upset because not enough black and other people won any awards.

But doesn't a movie have to be good to win?

That was the theory, yes.

So now it has to be made by the right color or country?

Something like that, yes.

Why?

Hey, how about some ice cream?

Mom says you're disracktin me.

Moms... are a special breed.

If I complain that there aren't enough movies made by kids, will there be more movies made by kids?

No, it doesn't work that way.

Oh, you mean they're exploiting collective guilt.

How do you know about exploiting collective guilt?

I watch MTV.

Oh.

Dad, what was it like before the awards shows got racist?

How do you figure they're racist?

Well, because people are more concerned with putting their race up top than making cool movies.
Son...
Yes, Dad?

Go ask your mom if we had a really smart mailman about ten years ago...

Dear lefty

• reader Steve Steve, who's threatening to go elsewhere, asks why this blog has so much content.
• Dear 'Steve': because your penis is so small.

Tumbler has banned nudity.
Kneejerk response: you can't ban nudity!
lefty kneejerk response: private company, they have that right
lefty from miles above conspiracy kneejerk response: 

Obviously this is yet another Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Ok, a bit dramatic.
Obviously this is another move toward censorship of ideas and consolidation of information, influence, and power. Let's forget about nudity for a moment, as if that were possible. Tumbler states that the topic of bad weather will no longer be permitted. This will stop the common Tumbler user from discussing how bad the weather has become. Meanwhile, Tumbler continues to push out good weather news and their climate change agenda. Now Tumbler users wind up getting their (happy only climate change) weather news from Tumbler. Tumbler has decided what you will read.

You are absolutely free to get your news anywhere else, but numbers show most people won't - they'll stay on Tumbler. Tumbler helps create the narrative, along with other sites that coincidentally just put the same policy in place. You'll have to look harder to find the truth, and it likely won't appear on highly regarded sites.

If I were a Tumblerer, I'd have my words seen by Manglement long ago. Having been overruled, I'd go elsewhere. My Tumbler would contain no nudity, like my blog, but what will they get away with banning after nudity? And let's face it - you don't want to see me naked. This might be why they terminated nudity.

I don't visit Tumbler. I have no direct stake in this, except for the big one: free speech. You have a stake in this too.



Having absolutely no relation to the above, Australia just enacted a draconian spying law, requiring law enforcement back doors in everything. There is simply no excuse for this, even a completely asleep populace. It passed so quickly and with so little debate, it might have been called the Patriot Act. PEOPLE - you need to wake up. This is one of the 5 Eyes nations, that spies on all data worldwide.

Here's an article on Powerful Morons making powerfully moronic statements on encryption and privacy. One of them is probably yours....



It's 1967 and you've been waiting for Cream to release their next album. The first thing you hear is Sunshine of Your Love. Within days, Jimi Hendrix was on the Lulu Show (don't ask). He got through most of Hey Joe, then stopped and dedicated the next song to Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, and Jack Bruce - Cream. He played Sunshine of Your Love. He also ran way over his time, causing the producers grief. Rock and Roll, Baby!

From my reading, the top musicians were pretty friendly, and frequently went out to see each other. They were flummoxed and really worried by Jimi, including Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton. I wonder what they were thinking when they heard their song coming from a backwards Stratocaster through a Marshall half stack, with this wild man playing. Pride and horror?



Dear lefty

• occasional reader-by-mistake Steve Goldgold (deceased), says he's very funny and would like to write some stuff for ThermionicEmissions
• Dear Vonnegut: send us some samples of your writing. We're out of toilet paper.

The Phone Chain:

Captain Obvious says Phone Stuff has changed a lot over the years.
What changed between voicemail and voicemail with cell phones?

Why do parents go batshit when they call and get voicemail?

Mom calls Wife.
Mom gets her voicemail.
Mom calls landline.
Mom gets other voicemail.
Mom doesn't know I have landline ring once before voicemail.
Neither does Wife.
When Wife reads this, I may not be able to type for a while....
Not satisfied with two voicemails, Mom calls me. At work.

"Hi, I didn't mean to bother you," (then why are you bothering me?) "where is Wife?"
I'm going to take a wild guess and say at home.
"She's not answering her phone."
I'm going to take another wild guess and say she's sleeping.
"Cuz I needed to talk to her."
Would you like me to drive an hour home to check?
"Oh no, that's not necessary. I don't want to bother you at work."
Then why are you bothering me at work? Did you leave a message?
"No"
Ah, you should try leaving a message, so if she finds her phone, she'll know you called.
"How's your day?"
Great, thanks for calling. Love you, Mom.


It's like Panic.

Don't feel bad, Mom.. I can't get her either.
Wife: You're going to the store, ok. I'll keep my phone with me.
Me: Yeah, that'll happen.
Wife: See, I have it.
Me: Yes, but it won't make a difference when I call it.

an hour later, I dial because I need something...

Landline: goes to voicemail
Cell: the owner of this number cannot answer and the voicemail box is full. Up yours. click.
Me: *(#%&@!___@#$#

home

Wife: [snore]
Me: I hate to wake you but WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE (*#&@#ING PHONES?
Wife: Ngfffnntp
I could implant a beeper up her butt and there would still be a reason she didn't know I called.

No, she is not deliberately ignoring me; especially when I'm out getting jewelry.

keep your mind on... ummmm.... yes

Low-Fi Nose Blowing

It has been mentioned here that in the US, car commercials concentrate on the Important Stuff: the stereo.  The iDevice commercials are out and consist of everything being right with the world, according to Prophecy, and concentrate on the great camera and many colors in which the phone is available.  Ah... advertising.

• If you watch LivePD, you'll notice rows of people sitting at computers, looking incredibly serious and busy. LivePD isn't live, and those people are surfing pr0n and watching COPS reruns. shhhhhhh........

Remember when someone made a video a McDonald's burger, proving it never grew mold or broke down? Turns out it's the same for 4 day old cheese fries. Or so they tell me.

• I finally had Turkey Day turkey, only 10 days after Turkey Day. This means my turkey came early. We took everything to my parents' place and they invited Penny too. She was excited to meet everybody. Within 5 minutes, she had pooped on the floor. Not at all embarrassing. If she weren't so friendly, I would have been denied my own turkey. The dog has never done that before. I'm so happy to see you I could defecate.
• As if that weren't enough, she's on meds for this worm and that worm. It's Vet Bills all over again. My PTSD is killing me. I'm doing all I can to stay off the nightly news.

When looking at/for android apps, you can find 12 word-find programs, with tiny differences between them. You can also find a buttload of even more completely useless or questionable apps. I happen to have a few in mind: mushroom identification, flower and plant identification, learn 31 new languages, Burger King Russia, dna testing (dare we ask how the sample is obtained?), gay chat (because gays chat differently?), Lego (because an app is way more fun than actual physical Legos? Or just advertising the next, horribly expensive version), gesture control (I have a gesture for this), coloring book (just shoot us now), 7 minute workout (sure, let your phone kill you), Nintendo emulator (why not a Pong emulator?). My favorite, Lego aside, is the coloring book. Have we really come to the level when coloring books are a thing of the past? Crayons are so 2000 - get the app!

Maybe we can come up with a few suggestions... hmmmm....

• Turn signal emulator (banned in New Jersey, might be too complex and foreign for the rest of the country)
• Sex app: virus-free! Better than getting no sex at all (hopefully)
• Signature app: why should you stoop to actually picking up a pen?
• Virtual Reality Walking App - since you don't leave the couch anyway, why not show the grandkids what it was like.
• Ice Cream App: since you're unbelievably neurotic and think that a bowl of ice cream will put 100lbs on you, or you're lactose intolerant, you can fire up a vision of eating real ice cream! It even lets you pick the flavor... no weight gain, no spending your days off in the bathroom. If you order the right flavor, you get a second scoop. The second scoop will put weight on you.
• Text app: it's been a long day of looking at cat pictures. You're bushed. Fire up the text app... it will stay online all night, texting random people and telling friends your deepest secrets. All this while you recover from your near-fatal repetitive stress injury.

• Watch out - a clever spouse might figure out their Christmas gift. The parent firm of Kay and Jared jewelers exposed the order information of all their online customers. It's ok, they fixed it (groan)
• If you live in Ames, Iowa, for some reason, and don't believe in paying parking tickets, you're in good shape: the online parking ticket payment system got breached.
• If you're a Quora user, a data breach exposed 100 million users. Quora's response was delightfully understated: "We have discovered that some user data was compromised by unauthorized access.... "
• In case anybody's counting, and even if they're not, do you see a pattern here? Breach after breach, from local to national to international. It's because no one gives a rat's ass about security. No one will until the cost of dealing with the incident trumps the cost of implementing security. In other words, the cost of failure is already built into the budget.

The British Film Institute will no longer fund movies where the villain has facial scarring, to "remove the stigma around disfigurement".  No word on eye patches, gold teeth, large noses, sitting in chairs stroking cats, fangs, short people, invisible, more than 2 eyes or breasts, unibrow, people dressed in black, or male pattern baldness.

I'll be petitioning the BFI to no longer fund any pictures with a right-handed cast. There is a pervasive stigma against the left-handed, which cannot be allowed to persevere.  Move to England - we have no stigmas left!

• Why are we not done with the "unsubscribe" spam yet?

Dear lefty

• Janice Mung, of Bird in Hand, Pennsylvania, asks why it's difficult to hold a number of birds in your hand.
• It is helpful to limit the number of birds in your hand to the amount you can comfortably handle. Swallows are non-migratory. 

If you're feeling at all unsafe, now's a great time to move to New York. First they protected you from large sodas. Next up is legislation making it a misdemeanor to send pics of your junk to an unwilling recipient. You could face a year in jail, a fine of $1,000, or both. If you wind up in jail, you'll get close-up views of your cellmate's junk. New York: The New California

In an absolute shock and surprise, the UK is way ahead of New York, with this offense being the same as showing your junk in person (and causing offence, of course).

• Say what you want about George HW Bush, but his passing got some people a day off work. He will be remembered fondly.
• I suspect the former president died several years ago and they forgot to tell him. He looked pretty bad.

Dumb De Dumb Dumb

According to the Federal Communicators Network, even if you're trying, you're probably not writing for the average American. The long and short of it is that Americans have become more stupider over the years, as measured by Science.

Nearly 52% of U.S. adults score below Level 3 proficiency (i.e., they score Level 2 and below), with almost 20% of our population at the very lowest levels of performance.

A score of 3 on this test is considered proficient.
We can't have the Proles questioning policy, can we?







Dear lefty

• Roberta Ohmebum, from King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, asks why her dog chews and rearranges her network wiring
• Because he's smarter than you.

All the Windows News That's Unfit for Mainstream Media to Mention

Windows 10 security questions prove easy for attackers to exploit.
You don't even have to read it - you get the idea.

Q. Why do Windows users always get on top?
A. Because Microsoft can only fuck up.



Mein Gott - It's Faceyspaces and It's Not Good

Internal Tensions are strangling The Facebook, for the last 600 days. 
Rather than waste any time caring about these issues, Lord Zuck has inaugurated the new Loyalty Test and its cousin, the new Loyalty Guarantee. It's a little helmet they put on employees. If they're stressed, they might not be loyal, so the Loyalty Guarantee helmet, which wipes out their personality and replaces it with a zombie-like pro-Faceyspaces worker drone. Should they decide to talk to the press, their head will ring so badly they'll wish for the peace and quiet of Afghanistan.

• In some buildings, there are more 'Black Lives Matter' posters than black people
• ex-employees have been talking out of school, further demoralizing current drones employees.
• Lord Zuck states that the entire kerfuffle is a result of biased press.

The files obtained in the UK have been released/leaked/put out to watch the world burn. Read them.  The best revelation was that The FB was fully aware of tracking you closely was creepy, so they went ahead and did it. They updated their cell phone app to require 'read call log permission.' The beauty of it is the engineers figured out how to ask for the additional permission without appearing to ask for it. The program read call logs and mined your call info to better suggest people you know on FB. Are you grokking this? They used your own phone calls to market to you. When you install the app, it requires a ridiculous amount of permissions, because it invades the phone and eats all possible data. You gave it permission. It loves address book info, and what marketer wouldn't?

I don't blame the evil scum FB - they have every right to do this, plus their users rubber stamp everything. At very least, access FB in your browser - not with an app. Even Messenger listens in.

Yul Kwon is Faceyspaces' 'privacy sherpa', but the position caused all sorts of misunderstandings. It was later clarified that privacy sherpa did not relate to user privacy - it related to FB's privacy. He was there to prevent leaks and see that no valuable (damning) information got to the press. They may be evil, but they're not stupid.

So next time FB suggests you might know Margie Wong, who you've been sleeping with when your wife goes out of town and who you exchange sexts with daily, you'll know where they got this information. Since FB knows you're married, your wife will also get Margie as a suggestion. A lot. Eventually she'll ask who this Margie Wong is who keeps showing up in her suggestions.



Ever go to a restaurant with a ridiculous wait time and get on the wait list, with your name and number? You'll be shocked to find this information is also mined. Pretty soon the way you walk when you leave the house will be subject to inspection.. the better to market to you.

If you must leave information, including when purchasing something, make one up. Same for motels with hourly rates, but you didn't hear that here.

Beating a Dead Politician

Whenever people see a ufo (unidentified - no idea what it is), out comes the Official Denial Squad; usually Seth Shostak (SETI), James Oberg from NASA, and if it's really big, Michael Shermer, head of Skeptic magazine. Although we have no idea what it was (hence unidentified), they already know what it was and that there was a stupidly normal explanation.

One of my favorite Official Denial Squad excuses as to why other species could not be visiting is that their planet would be so far away, they'd never get here. Call me stupid (you wouldn't be the first) but I'd think any civilization that's been around longer than us has some sort of more advanced drive and/or make use of wormholes (which we know about and have not denied).

I am not putting forth an opinion, rather discussing the need for serious investigation. Auto-Denial is not science or investigation.  The old Project Blue Book standby, swamp gas, no longer works to dismiss a sighting.

Let me remind you about the Phoenix Lights, seen by thousands, if not more. The weak denial claimed it was a flare drop (after the claim there were no military aircraft in the vicinity that day). This was a humongous object that hovered and flew slowly, over the 5th largest city in the US. It happened a few years earlier too. If it's ours, there would be simple denial. If it's not... what kind of panic ensued? These things are tracked by NORAD before they get to the US. Rest assured someone knew they were there, whatever they are.

Stephenville, Texas observed a huge craft and had many people reporting it.  Radar returns were obtained. The item of most import to me was that it flew over the Bush ranch before Stephenville. To say this was a no-fly zone is somewhat obvious. Yet was anything said? No. Were there F-15s scrambled? Not that we know. Do our craft hover? Not that we know of. They're also not a mile long, as was reported in Arizona. We are not going to know about very new military tech, so there's that.  Again, not a conclusion, just an appeal for sense.

By merely typing the above, I called into the universe the following action:

Nasa admits ‘tiny super-intelligent’ aliens may have ALREADY visited Earth – and says some UFO sightings ‘cannot be explained or denied’

Something's up.
Nah, the assertions in the article don't seem groundbreaking. He states that not all ufo sightings can be explained. Even the debunkers admit that a certain small percentage can't be explained. Still, worth a read.

I also called into the universe a science-y program called NASA's Unexplained Files last night. Remember the instances of red rain (not the Peter Gabriel song)? The most recent account is from India. Scientists studied the rain and couldn't determine what it was. Finally an Indian scientist (named Godfrey, I think) discovered it was made up of cells that were alive. Electron microscopy showed the cells to be without DNA, which is part of every living thing on earth. Theories were put forth and disproved until someone remembered there was a small asteroid strike shortly before the rain. Scientist got hold of a piece of asteroid and some red rain from the same field and discovered that the cells most likely hitched a ride inside the asteroid (and were obviously extremely hearty). We may have alien life. The cells reproduced rapidly and were not healthy for humans to touch. Interesting to ponder, no?





President Kennedy spoke at Rice University on September 12, 1962, uttering the famous words, in his famous regional accent, "We choose to go to the moon in this decADE and do the other things..."

History speaks reverently about this speech, yet nobody questions what 'the other things' are. It just sits there, a verbal sore thumb, that everyone prefers to forget they heard. I don't blame them - it was bloody JFK. The man has risen to Saint Status. But this is ThermionicEmissions, so we have no choice....

• "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do a threesome with my brother..."
• "We choose to mount a trip to the moon in this decade and mount Marilyn Monroe..."
• "We choose to go to the moon in this decade, because you never know when your time's up..."
• "We choose to go to the moon in this decade, even if LBJ somehow becomes president [general laughter]..."

Speaking of which, I might not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want to be known by my initials when I die, like JFK, RFK, and LBJ. Also when I'm alive, to be known with a hip middle name, like Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Jimmie Lee Vaughan. Unfortunately I have to change my name, cuz lefty Marshall von Hendrix has no ring of authenticity to it.

• Walmart is getting set to deploy robot floor-moppers. Perhaps because they can't hire employees bright enough to perform this task at $5.50 per hour. Whether it will dress inappropriately or not hasn't been discussed.
• The unforeseen consequence will be insurance rates rising because of old people running their carts into it.

We all knew it was going to happen but we're still surprised it did: The US Military is genetically engineering new life forms to detect submarines. To quote someone or other, "this is some sick shit". The life forms are a cooperative project between Captain Mengele, the military, and Microsoft, so no matter what happens, the NSA and China will have access to it. It will also be the first life form that must be rebooted every week. As technically libertarian as I am, they crossed a boundary.

• I'm a Beth Hart fan. Even critics are Beth Hart fans. You should be a Beth Hart fan too. I don't want to be the one to bring this up, but the lady has a bit of a vibrato problem, like Chrissie Hynde. Don't let that discourage you - give her a listen. Quality..umm... soulful rock (?)

UNIVERSITY YUCKS

San Diego State University is hosting a 'critical look at whiteness' forum.

Some student assertions:

 The Christian cartoon “VeggieTales” is racist because the villains are vegetables of color. The NFL is racist since most players are black and most coaches and owners are white. White women advance white supremacy when they support President Donald Trump.

Immediately following, there will be a 'critical look at blackness' forum.
Some student assertions:  none.. this is the university. They can't find anyone to say anything. Furthermore, the students will firebomb this gathering.

The Christian cartoon "VeggieTales" is racist because not every character is black. The NFL is racist because most of the money goes to the crackers. Black women advance black supremacy when they support Barack Obama.

Please stop.
This was really entertaining when you started. You're now parodies of yourselves.

Again, history will look back on us quizically, with tears in its eyes.

• If only Klinger knew: 27% of the young are too overweight for the military

The fellow(?) who had a Craigslist ad for no strings sex with a housewife, turned out to be a cross-dresser, recorded the 80(!) trysts, and sold them to adult websites. He was just sentenced to a year above the maximum for the crime.  He is very sorry (he got caught) and has had a lot of time to consider his actions (in jail). He is deeply penitent and will return the money to all the men who thought he was a chick (just kidding, he still has the money).

There's just so much going on here... let's start by saying I've never been with a cross-dresser. No, really. She was just a friend. We never played Hide the Salami - I swear. Given that, wouldn't you figure there might be a difference or two between a woman and a man dressing as a woman? Well, first there's the penis. You never find these on women. Well, butt sex is nice and men are stupid, but.... Then there's the facial hair. Sure, some women have facial hair. But it doesn't look like 5:00 shadow facial hair. You don't get rug burn from a blowjob.

Men love breasts. Everybody loves breasts. This guy would be down by two (at very least). Were there copies of Modern Sperm all over the house? Modern Bride? Sports Illustrated (non model issue)? Was there a huge, red Craftsman tool chest in the kitchen? Tampons? A bathroom stuffed so full of cosmetics that he needed another bathroom? Look around, people!

UPDATE: further investigation (I read the words I didn't read the first time) shows that the sex was oral and the 'johns' wore glasses or other eye covering.
(Still... 5:00 shadow)





VACATION

I'm a bit slow. We know this.
I decided to not pay attention to the Kavanaugh/Supreme Court Circus.
To my surprise, the Circus still went on, as did Life in General.
Hey - this is a real Find! Wonder what will happen if I apply this elsewhere...
Particularly soul-sucking is the nonstop barrage of politics on social media. You'd think it would stop after the elections. You were oh so wrong.
So I took a Social Media Vacation, followed by a Social Media Political Vacation. No one is going to change their political views when you argue with them, nor will they change their religious views. Let's just talk about sex and hobbies, ok?

The world continued, without me watching it or participating. I lost nothing. In fact, I felt better. Might work for you too...

Going on Tour with The Monkees, Playing Mike

Predictum, the University of California Berkeley's project, scrapes Faceyspaces, Twitter, and Instagram posts to assign a 'risk score' of a target (prospective hire). Noted:

We should all take for granted, then, that nowadays our social media posts are being scrutinized.

Apparently my nieces didn't get the bulletin, as they have posts all over the place of them completely drunk, tossing their cookies, and throwing gang signs (these are early 20-something white [bread] girls).

The software must be pretty accurate: Faceyspaces and Twitter are attempting to revoke all access. Here's the great part - don't read if you're drinking or eating:

Facebook revoked most of Predictim’s access to users, on the basis of violating the platform’s policies regarding use of personal data

Mozilla's guide to creepiness of holiday purchases.

• At work, I can't get into Helpdesk's ticketing system. Someone suggested I fill out a ticket to get it fixed.
• But seriously, when I could get to it, it had reversed time: the system told me it had fixed the problem before I told them there was a problem. Quantum Helpdesk.

University Yucks:

Two London student groups are replacing the word women with "womxn" in communications, to be more inclusive.

What about words for womxn who identify as telephone poles or fluffy bunnies?

• Who named the British dishwashing liquid 'Fairy'? The Marketing department must've gotten some really good stuff.
• Buy their other products: Pussy, Sperm, and the new soap, 'Faggot'

Bugcrowd University offers free courses on security:

Learn the basics of hacking and bug bounty hunting with videos, tutorials, labs, best practices and more on GitHub.

• Oopsie - Dell reset all user passwords. We can't be too upset about this - after all, they're a small company with few resources....

In Pennsylvania, our drivers licenses use facial recognition. I was furious when I found out. Know who else uses facial recognition? China. At least China doesn't pretend they're not draconian. The other day, one of their cameras saw a billboard on a bus, featuring a celebrity, and thought the bus was the celebrity.

My rants about driverless cars are legendary (here only). Now the software can be used for cars AND facial recognition - that's driving and spying. Do you feel comfortable with buying a driverless car now? After the Muskmobile killed one lady? After another driver went the same route and found the car trying to kill him too?

For some people, this is the future. I can't argue their point, but I'll repeat my objection: the technology is not ready for prime time.   As for spying, that's a different issue entirely. America would have to actually DO something to stop it, hence there will be more and more. On a personal note, I would be terrified to be in a driverless car. For my entire life, someone has been driving. If I don't see someone holding the wheel, I might scream loudly, thinking we're going to CRASH. It would take longer than it's worth to get used to, even though I don't like driving that much (not to mention the privacy issues).

• Five lightweight browsers for linux

Our good friends and fearless privacy advocates at Google are in trouble. Again.  Seven EU groups say Google's location tracking is against the law. I like the EU, at least today. You know you'll never see legislation like this in the US. In fact, it's probably exempted from laws. They're facing a class action suit in the US, though. The depth of Google's spying is astounding, per the article.  They use all sorts of Sneaky to trick users and steal their info for marketing. There is a program called 'close the loop' which proves that if they have more than one piece of information, they can link them up for a more complete and accurate profile. Just like Faceyspaces. It's not like we haven't been warned...

Google's response is that you can opt out, and that it's not fair that people can sue them.

Dear lefty

• Blue Ball, Pennsylvania's Don Somewhatconfused asks why people put laptops on desks.
• Because Mom drank while she was pregnant with you.

Things are going well here at Hell Central.
Every now and then, I wish I were a Normie. Just like everyone else.
It usually passes quickly.

Todays Project of Death was printing.
Normies can print with just a mouse click.
Not me.

No, when I need to print, it requires 2 printers, 4 laptops, a coupla cables, much screaming, and my Comfort Elephant for afterwards. He's called Stanley, because I call a lot of things Stanley.

With the printer on, I hit PRINT.  That should do it. I set the whole thing up and it has printed reliably ever since (all three times I used it). So there's no way in hell it's going to work today, especially as these are important papers. And if there's one thing I hate (there are literally thousands), it's doing anything at all with a printer, except printing. Troubleshooting, changing toner/carts, trying to determine whether it thinks it's online or not, and calling Stanley to demolish it (CLYDE - SCRAP THE MERC!).

So naturally it didn't print.
I told you so.

The printer was on, connected, and there were jobs in the queue. So I released them and just like my sex life, nothing happened. Since that didn't work, I tried it again, like my sex life, with the same result, like my sex life.

Printer told me it was ready to download.
Download WHAT? It doesn't download pages....
It was still definitely connected.
This is when the screaming came in handy. Or that's what I told most of the neighbors and the police. Although it still wouldn't print, I think I intimidated it just a little.

What do you do when it doesn't work?
Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?
The guys who program printers have a wicked, sadistic sense of humor. Never watch the display as a printer comes up... they make the boot sequence run through about 12 different red light indicated errors before things settle down. And when it settled down, it made a noise. I swear the little f-er is mocking me, ever so slightly.

Releasing the jobs again, the 2 whole pages printed.
And then 2 more printed.
And then a whole buttload more printed.
Mind you, I printed TWO friggin pages of an email.
Something in the line thought I said two COPIES of the entire 134 page email.
Or the little f-er is still mocking me.
So I called Stanley.
And we won't have that problem ever again.
Until the next printer.

• Suspected criminal to police: these pants aren't mine - they belong to a pregnant girl. Same suspect: can you take these handcuffs off so I can put my hair up?

Hey, have you stayed at a Marriott/Starwood hotel? Ever?
I ask because Bad Guys spent four years inside their network. They were only discovered when they tried to remove their malware. In addition, Starwood purchased Marriott while the criminals already had access to the system. The odds are in your favor, though, because only 500 million accounts were accessible.   It sure is convenient to use credit cards and bank cards for transactions, but it seems it's better to pay cash for everything. You won't lose your card or any information in the inevitable break in. Remember: it's not just the vendor...  it's everybody else in the chain.... processors, employees, third parties.. If you used your Starwood password for anything else, change it now.

Unrelated: Now would be a very good time to send job applications to Starwood. My Spider Sense tells me the higher levels of IT will be hiring soon.

Also Unrelated: The Dunkin Donuts Perks program got hacked. Just Perks.
P.S. You don't need an app to buy coffee. Really. It accesses your location and tells you you're near a Dunkin, then stores the information, plus whatever else you give it permissions to. Same for any app from any retail outlet.




Dear lefty

• reader Sandy Vajyma asks what happened with the last girlfriend before you got married? 
• Dear Twat: she had one more penis than I require.

Police in West Virginia fired on a black man carrying a gun that wasn't loaded.
A policeman was fired.. the one who didn't shoot the man with the gun. Interesting story.

• the Google Play store said there was an update to the Duckduckgo browser. What are the chances.....

This Death Thing Must Stop

Work is weird.

Of course work is weird - it's work.

The current employer could not be anywhere near as weird as the previous one, but it has its own particular weirditees. Everything requires a process, including getting a computer and desk. Just because the 2437 form was filled out doesn't mean there's a computer or desk waiting: no one knows where the form goes or how the process works - only that most of the time it doesn't. It was decided I had the job at the beginning of December, and my January 2nd start date came and went, with no computer and no desk. It took an additional six weeks for the computer to arrive. I discovered that it wasn't mandatory to do your job here either, when my boss saw things undone and merrily breezed past them, as if this were normal (it was). After a number of years, this still astounds me. If there's one thing the Twilight Zone<tm> taught me, it was to do your job well and communicate progress. This turned out to be laughably unnecessary. I have the problem of all newbies: I do my work and expect the same from others. My coworkers just laugh at me (most people do) and tell me the job will eventually remove my soul so I'll be just like them (shudder). If someone asks for something that can't be done immediately, I communicate progress. They laugh, shake their heads, and say, "Newbie."  I have requests that were made months ago. When I send reminders, they're promptly ignored. My employer is a parody of itself, like Congress.

• A nod to the draconian government of the UK, which just enacted the most sweeping snooping legislation in the entire world. Naturally there was barely a whimper from the Great Unwashed.
• Why do I care - I'm in the US. Because the UK is frequently a staging ground for the US. Rest assured, it's coming. -Ever vigilant.

• I'm passing this along, even though I know my people don't use iDevices. 12 iPhone security tips for iOS 12. I plan to use as many as I can. 
• The world has taken a large step toward security by using HTTPS instead of HTTP to get to websites. In case you doubt the seriousness of this, important, secure businesses like banks use HTTPS. In case you're still not convinced, PornHub uses it too. To use it yourself, install your browser's version of the HTTPS Everywhere extension, which will only allow HTTPS connections unless the site doesn't support it. You won't have to do anything after installation.

Last night we saw one of those drug commercials with a 15 minute list of possible side effects. It was a cancer drug for post-menopausal women. My favorite warning of all time is "don't take this new med if you're allergic to it." If you experience death, call 1-800-LETS-SUE. The other warning was not to give it to anyone if they may be pregnant. I'm not a doctor (although I'm interested in gynecology and specialize in psych disorders), but post-menopausal women don't get pregnant. Even the alleged Immaculate Conception occurred before the lady in question was 40. Speaking of which, how can anybody be part of a religion which refers to 'without sex' as 'immaculate'?

How can anybody take seriously a blog that starts a paragraph with drugs, migrates to the Virgin Mary, then closes with a Christian sex question?

• If you're ever bored, go through the labels list for this blog. I think anybody thinking of reading ThermionicEmissions should look at them. It's a delightfully absurd hodgepodge of words, which will excite or completely put off a prospective reader.

A new study by Yale professor Cydney Dupree suggests that white Americans who hold liberal socio-political views use language that makes them appear less competent in an effort to get along with racial minorities. Yale. Education has also become a parody of itself. Missing is the black outrage because white liberal Americans think they're stupid.

Meanwhile, every department in which I worked had absolutely no trouble interacting with 'minorities.' We were a team full of minorities, including the rarest of them: women. All that matters is that you do your job well; that's where the difficulty interacting came in. We were either way ahead of our time or woefully behind.

• I will never forget the day the hiring manager came into our office and told us he needed to see more faces of color in our department. As he was finishing, he looked directly at me, as if he was expecting a witty retort. For some reason, perhaps naked fear of job-hunting, my mouth stayed shut. Little did I know, this event foreshadowed the profound stupidity that was to follow. WE NEED DIVERSITY! Why, are minorities better at IT? WE NEED DIVERSITY! What about hiring the best person for the job, regardless of anything else? WE NEED DIVERSITY!
• That particular job made me a pretty happy employee, because I could do my job the best way possible and still pull off goofiness in a way I became known for (and accepted!). While on a late night project, the head of HR asked if we'd like a beer. I told her I didn't drink. She looked at me in horror and said, "You mean you're like this without drugs or alcohol?" It was one of my finest moments.
• I discovered one of my coworkers was a cheerleader in high school. She told me not to tell anybody. Naturally I procured pom poms and followed her down the main hallway, shaking them, right past a managerial meeting. She turned red, the managers fell off their chairs, and I smiled. They left me alone because I did my job well.
• Another Red Moment came when I was under a desk, hooking up a computer. Someone at a nearby desk started a rant about Stupid IT never fixing anything. I popped up from under the desk and she turned shades of red her department had never seen. Her coworkers were in hysterics. She apologized at regular intervals.

Whether or not you consider it valid, people line up for Past Life Regression. Let us suspend disbelief and consider it for a bit.... everybody who comes out says they were a famous person in a prior life: Joan of Arc, Pope John Paul XVIIQ - CMM, or Atilla the Hun. If this is true, who picked up the trash? Who cooked the food? Who taught New Yorkers to add an 'r' to random words (brar, sawr)? After studying this for damn near fifteen seconds, I think I have the rhythm of the method. Let me translate:

• I was Napoleon: I was Napoleon Smith, the guy who fetched hyena meat and wiped Napoleon's ass for him
• I was a highly-decorated naval seaman:  I was frightfully, obnoxiously, annoyingly gay and enjoyed seamen
• I was a famous obstetrician: I got a lot of women pregnant
• I was George Washington, the father of our nation: I got a lot of women pregnant
• I was a very early champion of women's rights: I got a lot of women pregnant and insisted on abortions
• I was JFK: I got a lot of women pregnant
• I was Thomas Crapper - inventor of the toilet: I was the guy who cleaned shit out of Rome's sewers
• I was a judge of early French cuisine: I was a vulture that only ate dead things
• I was a health pioneer, celebrated the world over with raised arms: I was a mosquito, carrying malaria

Careful what you wish for department:

Our dogs have always been small furry people. I wondered what it would be like to adopt a dog that was actually a dog. Yes, we got one. She defends the house by standing at the window and barking like a lunatic when someone is on her sidewalk. I watched her 'find' something, then dig a hole in the yard to go after it. I have only seen dogs dig in cartoons. Then I get dragged out when the door opened because there was a bird flying over her yard.

Thinking further, I prefer small furry people.




Things are going nicely in society's rapid descent to the place where the red guy with the horns is in charge. As proof, I submit this page, which describes a child being prepared for sex change surgery. Have I mentioned he's 6 and is in line for chemical castration at 8?

WTF?

Standard Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and know absolutely nothing about gender reassignment. Of course there's a however coming... However (I told you it was coming), it doesn't take a PhD (Piled High and Deep) to figure out that a 6 year old is not legally allowed to and is not capable of making this decision, Then there's another small issue: he hasn't hit puberty yet. If the mother child decided to become an alcoholic, would this be ok?

Here is where it truly devolves to Peak Stupid:

• Mom has changed his name to Luna and dresses him in female clothes
• Mom enrolled him in school as a female.
• Mom has support and financial backing
• There is a nasty custody battle
• (non-custodial) Dad, who seems relatively sane, is required to pay for this
• Dad has been accused of abuse for saying his son is male
• The 'debate' is being fought on social and religious issues.

Of course the plea is slanted (it's Dad asking for help), so we can be sure this isn't the full story. But I'm sure the main concept (sex change) is correct.

Fact: children under a certain age (16-18?) cannot have nose jobs for cosmetic reasons.

Announcement: today I identify as a 6 year old and demand to be treated as such. I'm enrolling in first grade and will sue if I am age-bullied. Hopefully I will not be the tallest kid in class - that's hard on kids. Since I'm so socially awkward, I won't bother the girls (or the boys, probably). Class Clown status is virtually assured, like the last time I was 6. If they give me a Chromebook, the class will get a presentation on security. If they give me a Macbook, I will spend the rest of the week in the principal's office. Ah, good times....

• Have you noticed the commercials for the products called "That's What I Call Music"? Inevitably it's not.

As Captain Picard Kirk said, or one of those other captains, "Keep your friends' genitals.." no.. wait.. "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies in France." No, that wasn't it either. France... maybe it was Napoleon. Remember the good old days, when people with certain disorders thought they were Napoleon? You don't see many Napoleons these days. Is this a good thing? Not if you wear your socks on your ears it isn't.

Pithy emissions aside, the last few days have been rough and I felt a strange compulsion (different from my other strange compulsions) to say something (not again), as if saying something is going to make a difference. No, they haven't changed the medicine again.

A superstitious relative says death happens in threes.

[Rod Serling voice] A perfectly ordinary couple, going about their lives.

His mother goes into the hospital and passes in short order.

Immediately after the funeral, they got a call and drove three hours to say goodbye to her father. A few days prior they went to visit their neighbor, with end stage cancer, to say goodbye. He died several hours after they left. While putting together the shiva/wake for his mother, she received news that her father died.

If this were us, I'd start calling us the Angels of Death. People could pay us not to visit their loved ones. Or to visit their loved ones, depending on how they felt about them.

How sadly lucky these people were, to be able to say goodbye. 

If they didn't get the chance, it would haunt them (sorry) for the rest of their lives. The message here is to value what you have. To never be in a position where you'll regret what you said or didn't say. Don't let friends and family be ignorant of your feelings for them. Before you leave mad, ask yourself how you'd feel if that was the last time you spoke to them.  Remember the Big Picture. The only nice thing I can relate is the couple visiting their terminal neighbor brought him joy, possibly the last joy he experienced.

Say what you will, but we treasured each day with Marshall. When he left, we weren't burdened with 'we could have done better'. Unfortunately this doesn't stop grief - it just doesn't add to it. (he's talking about his dead dog again...)

We knew one of the three people well. We had the pleasure of meeting another, with whom I shared a hobby. One passing is more than enough.... three caused a serious ripple in reality. For the couple mentioned above... can you imagine? The only comfort seemed to be friends and loved ones showing up.

We have a lot of thinking to do. Maybe you do too. Maybe you already did. 

Care to tell people what you came up with?

• Coming up next on ThermionicEmissions Television: Things I have pulled out of my foot.