Taxation is Theft

Pigs Fly department:

A federal grand jury will hear evidence that 9/11 was a controlled demolition.

This is huge, whether you believe the assertion or not. Because of the JFK Effect, I'm somewhat skeptical of the outcome, but movement is great. 

Both buildings came down in what looked like controlled demolition. One of the major news network reporters stated that it looked like controlled demolition, once. And never again. Then there was the rather inconvenient fact of Building 7, barely damaged, coming down in its own footprint too.

I guess this is the necessary first step to legally drill holes in the official story of what happened on 9/11. If it was controlled demolition, there's the question of who pushed the button, then who ordered the button pushed. Regardless of the ruling, one of the people involved has a name that rhymes with Rick Haney.

• I know you're losing sleep, wondering what's going on with my work phone.... two weeks after issue, the phone works, but the work configuration is still foobed. At this rate, the phone will be properly configured the week after I retire.

Speaking of Ancient Astronaut Theorists, there is proof from a semi-reliable source (NASA) that UFOs popped by to check in when our space missions were going on. Would you classify a NASA astronaut a reliable witness?

Things heard on missions:

"We have a bogey at 10 o'clock."

"We still have the alien spacecraft under surveillance."

The second one was even more interesting because the feed was being monitored by ham radio enthusiasts (the frequency is known and wide open). At the end of the sentence, audio went dead, as the transmission went to the encrypted feed. As for video, there are anomalies on moon footage and all sorts of interruptions on the space shuttle feed, as Odd Stuff appeared.  ymmv

• A man entering Singapore was found to have a suspicious bulge in his pants, which turned out to be kittens.
• Sir, your penis is moving and swatting itself. 
• Expect this to be on Twitter before you get home.

Christian Mare, serving a 40 year sentence for child pornography, was beaten to death in prison. He obviously slipped in the shower and hit his head repeatedly on the plumbing until he died.

• Odds are your phone provider is selling your location data (at very least).

Dear lefty:

• Why is there never a parking spot near my house?
• Because you touch yourself.

Parents just don't understand
Some of us have had to introduce our parents to cell phones. While this is about as much fun as beating yourself to death with a spoon, someone has to do it, and you feel sorry for the poor guy at the phone store.

• No, Mom, text messaging doesn't require a 'Dear Son' or a 'Love, Mom.'
• Yes, hit the little phone picture to dial. Yes, you have to dial a one first, just like the phone on the wall. Yes, you can use it in the car. Yes, you can call long distance to Aunt Sadie in Florida for no extra cost. Yes. Yes. Still yes.
• You can even put your doctor appointments in the calendar. Yes, there's a calendar - push the little calendar picture.
• Just because you text or call does not mean I'm going to pick up the phone.

I give up... "Just hit that button and ask Siri or Cortana. No, you can't call me; I don't have a phone anymore."

The funny and evil part about this is that people having an iDevice works for me for once. "Sorry, I don't know how to do that stuff on an iDevice. Call one of your children who have one."

Maybe sic-ing them on the guy at the phone store isn't such a bad idea after all...

• the Additive Suicide Principle of cell phones states that if you put one phone on top of another, the top phone will go rocketing to the floor as soon as you stop looking at them.

My personal recommendation of concerts arrived today. Keep in mind that I only attend instrumental guitar and classic rock shows...

Kiss - if I want to see too much makeup, I'll turn on the tv

Mariah Carey - speaking of Golden Globes...

Billy Joel - half of a classic rock, but yuck.

Tyler Perry's Madea - huh? Like top 10 radio, it's not music.

Bluegrass - that's close to classic rock, right?

Hootie and the Blowfish - we've all been holding our breath for a reunion

Backtreet Boys - backdoor boys? Killer guitar instrumentals

Disney Junior Dance Party - future meltdowns of America

Buckethead: be fair - it's instrumental guitar (with a KFC bucket on his head)

Piff the Magic Dragon - because they'll get sued if they use "Puff"

Other stuff I learned from watching police shows: 

• Without exception, no one has their license or I.D. on them.
• It's ok to blame your grandmother for the joint if it's her car you're driving.
• When drunk, people always admit to having 2 drinks.
• You must use your turn signal for two full seconds before changing lanes. Or you'll be pulled over, and naturally, searched for drugs.

Dear lefty:

• Which men's designer jeans do I wear to the feminist supporter protest?
• How did you become such a snotty, virtue-signalling utter bastard?

More adware posing as games, TV, and remote control simulator apps in Google Play. Trend Micro spotted this, not Google.

More Evil Villain News: Microsoft was sued in Finland and ordered to pay a Finnish man 1,100 Finnish Herring (1548 Canadian Pucks) for pushing a Win10 update, without permission, which broke his pc. There is another suit pending.

• The aliens have their own Comedy Channel in the ships: our weather forecast.

The Key(board) to All Phone Grief

I tend to get aggravated when I use my phone. What pisses me off isn't necessarily what pisses you off. Stuff like bad cells, dropped calls, dropped phones, and dropping phones in the toilet are points of contention, but not mine. The single largest point of annoyance with my phone is input. The keyboard. It drives me mad. No matter how hard I try, how careful I am, how quickly or slowly I type, it never comes out right. I wind up screaming at the phone, calling it things I usually reserve for spouses and family members. After about a day of this, you don't want to see an allegedly grown man cry. It's pitiful, like my attempts at being polite in social situations.

I've tried manual typing, using one or both hands, different keyboards, changing key size, asking the dog to type, and the swipey keyboards. I get the same result regardless, just like my pitiful pleas for sex. I'll grant that my brain wiring is a touch off (no, really?), rendering me a dyslexic typist, but I can tell when I've typed something backwards (unless the A.D.D. is active, in which case I only read some of the first sent of a paragraph). The only thing I haven't tried, besides asking my wife to type for me, is voice input. I know if I tried talking to the phone (as opposed to yelling at it), I'd probably develop a case of dyslexic speech. ALthough it's almost impossible to speel words incorrectly when saying them, I'd find a way. Plus you remember my warnings about speech input - Google and the others keep every word you say, 'to improve service.'

The method that works best, best being relative, is swipey. One advantage is that they learn from you over time, making typing faster and easier. Except mine. My keyboard has some sort of learning disorder, where it allows me to make the same mistakes over and over again, like my life. There are certain words it refused to spell, mainly my saltier vocabulary. I have to type them one letter at a time, then tell the little bastard to remember the word. It's a good thing the blog software has a spell checker, or this blog would be even more horrid. If it had a grammar checker, it would have died years ago, like dehumidifiers in PA.

Dear lefty.....

Honey, Get the Fire Extinguisher - there are Salesmen at the Door

Things got even weirder last night, when we had about seven people knock at the door, all using the same knock. This makes things interesting if I have to work, watch tv, eat, or breathe. Our lovely new child is highly agitated by the door, starting the barking immediately and not stopping til about 10 minutes later. Like most of us, I refuse to answer the door, because it's never anything important - usually people telling me they happen to be doing work in the neighborhood and would I like an estimate... No thank you, SLAM. Vote for me (don't piss the dog off - she's a libertarian). I'm selling dirty socks for college..... SLAM.  Like the phone ringing, the door is just another irritant.



While taking the fur child for her morning trip outside, I started wondering..... [shaky video wooooo]. How do dogs decide where to do their stuff? The smell of each blade of grass hasn't changed overnight. Is one spot naturally better than another? Will the yard need to be defended from birds and squirrels? What if people had this routine?

"I gotta go before we eat - be right back."
Up steps... into bedroom... kick over some laundry and go through it, throw dirty clothes here and there... into bathroom. Kick over trash, spread it evenly across the floor... shit - this place stinks of ammonia or something... into guest room, jump on bed.... turn over trash... nah, not right.  Back downstairs, check out the window for people walking on my sidewalk.... yell at them a few times... into kitchen.... empty trash and spend some quality time digging through it and moving it around... yell at kids... yell at wife.. yell at company and sniff their laps. Finally, as if a light came on, run to bathroom... give final approval... do my stuff.  Sigh... all is well.

HONEY - someone needs to come in here and pick up after me!

• Define 'kinky'   - dog chewies in bed
• Define 'kinkier'   - dog eating chewies in bed while you're gettin busy

Dear lefty:

• Sam Smith, of San Salvador, asks why we're so ornery.
• Fuck you, Sam.

The American Psychological Association, long known for their great expertise on matters of gun ownership, says that traditional masculinity is harmful. If SJWs can reach the APA, we're doomed. The APA has some small influence... do you want to be treated by people who think your gender is harmful? As if they don't have a bad reputation already....

• Remember: if you shoot em, they'll never do it again.

Oh Charles...

Yes, my darling?

Oh Charles... feel my left breast.

Just the left one, my darling?

Yes, Charles. I'm saving the right one for marriage.

• My email program did a cleanup today. It saved exactly the amount of space my first hard drive had: 40 megs. It's interesting to think about this stuff... our phones have more RAM and horsepower than we could imagine 'back then'.

My house is so cold....

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's so cold, we have to put things in the fridge to keep them from freezing.

• Some kid in a Philly high school dyed his hair green, in support of Dem Iggles. The moment he gets a car, there will be a green Idiot Flag hanging on a window.

I think that Amazon Ring thing is pretty damn cool. Who couldn't love a video feed of whoever approaches your house? Unfortunately, Amazon security is an oxymoron. They're incredibly easy to access and Ring has a history of lax security. And of course, this involves The Cloud. And of course when The Cloud is involved, something will be misconfigured and accessed. And of course it was left open and everyone's videos were accessed. Internet of things: a very slow moving train wreck, where the train is carrying serious explosives.

• Honey - my adult diapers are here!

Yes, it's snowing.
And yes, I know I shouldn't complain about snow in the winter, but that won't stop me. The dog, who saw her first snow last year, is not impressed. She came from somewhere warm, where I'd like to move. I want snow to be something we watch on tv news, when it's happening in another state.

I asked a tv weatherman what the stats said on rain and general gloom. He told me the stats weren't different. The other day I heard that last year set the record for most rain in a year. They didn't mention total days without sun because they didn't want people to start committing suicide in large numbers. Rest assured, it would be filmed for reality tv, plus every idiot with a phone would be out, because you didn't die if it wasn't livestreamed on Faceyspaces.

Existential Dilemma: I've never been on Faceyspaces, therefore I don't exist. I'll bet you feel funny about reading this now, don't you?



Dear lefty:

• Dan Diamond, of Dover, Delaware, says you wouldn't know grammar if it jumped up and bit you.
• Readers often ask me why I hate people...

GUITAR PLAYERS
Don't tell anybody, but I'm going to let you in on a can't miss financial opportunity. Since all guitar players are poor (except Slash), we need all we can get.

With the news that Sears is closing, now's the time to pick up some bargains. Lowell George, RIP, of Little Feat, used a Craftsmen 11/16" socket for a slide. Get down to Sears and buy all the 11/16" sockets you can find. Craftsmen tools are moving to Lowes, so they'll still be around. Wait about a year, then sell the Special Lowell George 11/16" sockets. Mention that they're pre-Lowes, because the Lowes sockets don't sound as good.

Trust me, non-guitar players... this is hysterical.

Try Fruit or Chocolate Instead

In case you're wondering why I'm sitting here with a package of frozen vegetables against my back, I'll tell you. Otherwise, skip to a different post.

Just minding my business, taking the happy bundle of fur outside, when I missed the clear sheet of ice and did a triple Ginger Rogers down the steps, landing precisely on a concrete slab. I even made an interesting noise on the way down... it wasn't quite a scream or a screech... more like an aaaaahhhhhhhh, like the sound one makes when taking 'getting hit on the head lessons.'

I sure picked a bad week to stop consuming entire trays of brownies.

The in-house nurse said ibuprofen and ice it for 24 hours. So here I am, with frozen veggies against my back. I pleaded with her to at least give me frozen fruit or chocolate instead - everybody knows vegetables suck for tissue injuries (and most other stuff). If I rush, it will make an interesting side dish for dinner.... "Back-Cooked Green Beans, with a side of Ibuprofen."



Today's advice: Avoid slipping on ice. If you must slip on ice, avoid falling down. If you must fall down, avoid falling on concrete. If you must fall on concrete, use a few of your sick days. Make sure you say it happened in the parking lot at work.

Get Your Head Out of that Computer!

Watching a show on the Science Channel got me thinking.
This was bad, because I don't get paid to think after work.

The show centered on the body, lengthening lifespan, and ultimately uploading ourselves to computers. The concepts were fascinating, even without having to think too much post work.

We have doubled our lifespan in a brief period, which is pretty good, considering our diet and tv habits.

When discussing uploading yourself, they mentioned thinly slicing the brain and making digital copies. I have no idea what I'm talking about, like a Congressman, but this isn't going to work, any more than uploading a schematic of a tube guitar amp will create a digital tube guitar amp. Agree or disagree? They mentioned already having created memories in mice... oh yeah, I forgot about that. Needs reinvestigating, but not sure that will work either.

A very popular process now is processing: freezing the body at (death?) til a future time, when whatever killed you can be cured. I have a friend. Wait, there's more... I have a friend who signed up for this. He's bananas for it. I'm bananas from it.  Death is creepy, however you get there. It may come as a complete shock to the atheists and the religious.

Speaking of which, the brain runs on electricity. But electricity isn't all: there's a consciousness, without which it's not all that functional (also like Congress). I think some refer to it as the soul. Your essence has been noted to stick around for a short time after clinical death (maybe not your essence). How does the Digital Death Squad digitize your soul? Even if it can send your memories up... If you have an essence, what will it do while you're frozen? Play cards? Count red blood cells? Go up to the surface and play with the popular essences?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If/when you go digital. things will change rapidly. You can buzz about the entire world. But 5 minutes later, you'll realize you have nobody. And no body. The world runs on sex, which you can no longer have [sound of digital gunshot]. You also can't play the guitar, sit in the audience for Judge Judy, breathe, play sports, walk, drink beer, pop your pimples (which you won't have either), fart, poop, stick your tongue out, EAT, pick your nose, scratch your balls (scratch em if you got em), replace that sawed off arm... have a pet..... the physicality will be gone, for better or worse. How do you terminate? Turn off the power to your memory address?

Otoh, there are things you won't miss: get a rectal exam, go to the dentist, food shopping, traffic, mow, shovel snow, take out the trash, wear a heavy winter coat, exercise..phew. You'll miss the sound of nails on a chalkboard, but you will have access to MP3s, which can be similar. You'll be able to see every bit of pr0n ever uploaded, but will have no sex drive, nor the necessary parts to do anything about it.

For those of you who partake in recreational pharmaceuticals, they don't have them there. You'll have to be creative... if you liked pot and depressants, lower your clock speed. If you liked meth, raise it. Warning: too much overclocking makes your nanotubes fall out. Will you become faster with a solid state hard drive? Will more RAM make you more accurate? Will you be a 64 bit image, or an old 32? Linux rules in cyberspace - don't get caught with Windows. Or Mac.

Posting on Faceyspaces will be so simple. Trolling won't be, because you're just doing it to get a rise, and who cares about a rise when you're digital and have no feelings? It will make my job impossible; there are no feelings to hurt.

Zip up and down the electronic superhighway, becoming a being of pure knowledge (this won't work for some of us). Except when internet goes out, battery backup fails, you get sick with a computer virus, or go through the Dark Web as part of some ransomware. Stay on the main roads. As it was in life, you won't have to use your turn signal either. And although you'll need one, you won't have a password - it'll be on a digital yellow sticky, pasted to your container.

No matter how you get digital, Google will know where you are and Amazon will serve you ads.

Go Ahead - Ask the Fat Lady if She's Pregnant

A woman who has been in a vegetative state for ten years gave birth.
In a vegetative state, gestation doesn't take ten years, so....
The facility has rushed to completely fix the situation, by requiring anyone going into female patients' rooms to have a female with them. The CEO resigned the day after this hit the news.

STOP IT

• In today's hacking news, over 1,000 records of German citizens and government officials were stolen. Das is not goot.

We get the good ones:

Last week we lit some candles, mumbled some words, then took the drastic step of running the vacuum. The dog was not happy. Not only didn't she like the vacuum, she didn't like a push vacuum. Fortunately she didn't like them silently. 

Within 24 hours, the entire floor was again covered in white stuffing, from stolen stuffed animals.

Last night, completely without candles, I vacuumed again (it's a record). Never complacent, within ONE HOUR, the dog had eviscerated a large stuffed animal, making the entire floor look like it had snowed. Does this mean I don't have to vacuum anymore?



Dear lefty:

• Is it true that looks don't matter?

Pigs Fly department:

A federal grand jury will hear evidence that 9/11 was a controlled demolition.

This is huge, whether you believe the assertion or not. Because of the JFK Effect, I'm somewhat skeptical of the outcome, but movement is great. 

Both buildings came down in what looked like controlled demolition. One of the major news network reporters stated that it looked like controlled demolition, once. And never again. Then there was the rather inconvenient fact of Building 7, barely damaged, coming down in its own footprint too.

I guess this is the necessary first step to legally drill holes in the official story of what happened on 9/11. If it was controlled demolition, there's the question of who pushed the button, then who ordered the button pushed. Regardless of the ruling, one of the people involved has a name that rhymes with Rick Haney. 

• Another thing police shows taught me: attractive people don't commit crimes.

Ancient Astronaut Theorists, at least the interesting ones who appear on tv, believe there's an Area 52 and a formation on Mars that looks like Stonehenge. I believe that things got way more interesting after the SJWs demanded Ancient Astronaut Theorists start including women. This caused mass disruption, when the fat, pimply Ancient Astronaut Theorists discovered there were now Ancient Astronaut Theorists with breasts. This is why, as of 2008, there has been very little heard from Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Some Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe this was a government plot to disrupt Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Since there are more female Ancient Astronaut Theorists, tv shows have seen a great boost in ratings (and female Ancient Astronaut Theorists have learned to use the phrase, "Hey, I'm up HERE.")

Where was I going with this?

Oh..
Yeah, I was thinking that Ancient Astronaut Theorists can find enough stuff on this planet before heading to Mars for more material.

• Explain Rush Limbaugh.
• Why is 80% of my weather gray and rainy?
• How's that search for intelligent life coming?
• Faceyspaces - this could take centuries!
• the popularity of reality tv, RuPaul, and Miley Cyrus
• why women are obsessed with their eyebrows
• Male Pattern Baldness

In completely not-related news, the History Channel is running a series on Project Blue Book. Of course they are - you can find anything you want on the History Channel, provided it's not history. There have been a few official projects over the years to deal with UFOs. What this means is to explain away UFOs. This is acknowledged. Project Blue Book was run to explain as many UFO sightings as possible, in a very boring way (even if it was clearly made up). The program 'explained' well over 90% of sightings, to avoid panic and so people could point at ufo investigators and laugh.

Yes, UFOs have been investigated for over 100 years. No, the results aren't available to us, unless they can be easily explained away. Even Roswell has had three official explanations. Temperature inversion and the ever-popular swamp gas were some of the ridiculous explanations for sightings.

J. Allen Hynek was a scientist brought into Project Blue Book to help explain away as many sightings as possible. As he continued investigating, he realized the phenomenon was real and became a 'believer'.  He will pop up in the show and had a cameo in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Ask yourself why someone who has seen and studied UFOs is called a believer. And why there were official projects put together to discredit ufo sightings.

• A Scottish woman has suffered chemical burns after being given male erectile cream for a dry eye.  No, it will not keep you awake all night.

A Nebraska man, declared brain-dead by doctors, woke up after the family's decision to 'pull the plug.'  Turns out he suffered from a rare condition called posterior reversible encephalopathy syndrome. That's gotta be slightly embarrassing to the family. Gee, sorry, Dad... we didn't mean to kill you.. really - they told us you were a vegetable. 

• You heard it here last: Sears is closing all its stores.
• People older than me remember the Sears Catalog. We remember shopping at a number of Sears stores and outlets. The only positive thing about this is that Craftsmen tools are now available at Lowes. RIP.

Why use TOR?

Because even though you have nothing to hide, you are still entitled to privacy. It's very difficult (but not impossible) to track people who use TOR. You can browse through it on your pc and phone (any operating system). You can check email through it. Consider it just like what you're doing now, except it may be a hair slower, but you're regaining your privacy. You can visit TOR or non-TOR sites.

• In a recent Dutch test, 42 of 100 android devices' facial recognition was fooled by a photo of the owner. Highly effective security.

Dear lefty:

• Top Topton, of Tottingham, asks how tall are you?
• Dear Bottom: ask your mother. Height is irrelevant in the horizontal plane.

As our 'leaders' (the children up top who steal and spend our money) are still stomping their widdle feets, government is still in a shutdown. You will notice that the entire country has not broken off from California and set sail to Europe. One reason is that the majority of government activity is already funded, so the strike doesn't affect the whole fetid enchilada. Yes, there are services missing, but let this serve as a small example of how overbloated this government is. You could easily cut it drastically, while not cutting services. You could cut it lots more to get rid of places (and countries) the government doesn't belong. 

• She said her hobby was playing banjo and her favorite band was Rammstein. If her hobby and band ever come together, the result would be like matter meeting antimatter.

Everybody loves a hot tub. Manufacturers love that everybody loves a hot tub. The new tubs have (wait for it....) Internet of Things connections! You can remotely set water temperature via your cell phone. The only problem is that so can anyone else near the tub... because who cares about security - it's all about features! It's so easy to get into (not the tub - the tub's alleged security) that it will almost immediately wind up on the huge site that lists open systems. Yes, Shodan has a list of open wifi, tubs, and even baby monitors that anyone can connect to. Until it's fixed (ha!), feel free to drive by your neighbor's house and set their hot tub to freezing.

• They say he found Christ in prison. 
• What was He in for?

Some interesting fellow spent three hours licking doorbells in one neighborhood. As of yet, this fetish has not been classified, so it's up to us:

• Lickomania
• Germophile
• Pranker
• Lickus Bellus
• Fetishist Dumbass
• Sick F-ing Bastard

Resolving Not to Resolve

Continuing the embarrassment, Work replaced the iDevice 6 with an iDevice 7.
When they gave me the 6, I asked my boss to get me an android. He said he was ok with that, but I needed some sort of doctor's note. This time I figured I'd approach it differently: I asked the tech handing out the phones how much of a bribe he'd need to give me an android. He told me to go to the next department, where they all had androids.  HEY.....!!  I'll take a bag phone at this point.

So I got stuck with another iDevice.
It feels quite inferior next to my personal phone, both in operating system and size. Don't let anyone tell you different: women like big phones.
Work being what it is, I got a phone. Just a phone. Mind you, they went the extra distance and charged it for me. So the phone powered on, but the Ultra Triple Secret Logon is so secret, I don't have it.  We changed carriers recently, from the reliable one with great coverage to the One That Doesn't Work. Because of the change, over 2 months ago, no one knew to send out the new information. It was a total surprise.

So the bad news is I can't use my phone.
The good news is I can't use my phone.

P.S. one week later, still no Ultra Triple Secret Logon.
P.P.S. three weeks later, a minor miracle happened - it worked without intervention!
P.P.P.S. I had a guitar adapter that plugged into the headphone jack so I could play through the phone. The iDevice HAS NO HEADPHONE JACK. Just one of the many reasons I hate Apple.

• Let's talk life insurance. There are 2 kinds: the one that you pay for and the one you get when you haven't bought enough for your spouse to do away with you.

One of my favorite people I never met is the never-equaled and never will be Frank Zappa. Check this article out - it's a very good, light overview. Zappa would have been 78 on 12/28/2018. I wonder what he'd be up to....

• My friend offered his wife her favorite: a foot massage. She said no thanks, her feet hurt. He asked if her breasts hurt too.

Dear lefty

• Will you resolve to lose some of that weight?
• Will you resolve to lose some of that ugly?

The new 'networks' showing ancient tv shows leave no doubt about the kind of people still watching broadcast tv. Magnum PI is back. My wife shrieks and turns the channel because his shorts are shorter than a Kardashian. I'm sure they didn't seem odd at the time, but neither did sawing off limbs without anesthetic.

Precisely one hour after I wrote the above, I discovered there's a remake of Magnum PI coming to your tv. We are doomed. Can't they make it a cartoon and put it on 6am Saturdays?  "Hey Mom, WAKE UP - why are his shorts so small?"

• Is it a sign of affection when a dog belches in your face?

Why Stunning Ukrainian Women Are Seeking Men Abroad.

Wanna know what's wrong with your country?

Wanna know what's right?

The owner of a website that hooks Ukrainian women up with western men answers questions. The answers are alternately hilarious and frightening. The main answer deals with standard of living (and hygiene).

It might be worth a trip to the site, but do so using the Private browser tab, in case you have a wife or girlfriend.

• a Las Vegas customer ran over and killed her manicurist to avoid payment.
• This is a perfect example of Americans getting more stupid: everybody knows nails are cheaper than dents.

A fitting end to 2018

One of the kids telling Penny she'll love this treat.. it's the kind Marshall ate when he was dying.  Ahh, children....

• it turns out the dog can't say "fungal spore"

Dear lefty

• Where do you get the crap you type?
• Your mother.

Don't you hate it when your hotel room has a GSM (cell phone) listening device? A person in Wales found it behind an outlet. What he was doing behind the outlet, I have no idea - maybe planting his own

I hate to have to say this, but our first 2018 Rock Death is Roy Sawyer, better known as Mr. Eye-Patch in Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show. Their biggest hit is "When you're in love with a beautiful woman", but their most fun hit was "Cover of the Rolling Stone." He was 81, no cause of death listed.

• a fisherman in Florida (of course) found a 60lb package of cocaine. He immediately reported the 40lb package to the US Coast Guard.

The truly important news of 2019 can be summed up thusly: there is a gadget for brownies that looks like an old ice cube tray divider. It allows you to get brownies already cut, and all can be ends, if you like.

Clever Little Bastard, Aren't You

Found this really cool utility for androids called Macrodroid.
It's akin to a programming tool, where you can program the phone to do anything it can do without your input. "If wireless goes down, speak Wireless Down" or "If Aunt Poopypants calls, send to voicemail". Great app.

HINT: you probably don't want to tell the phone to do something when the battery is charged, lest you sit in a quiet room, blogging, and the phone says, "DONE CHARGING."  It's going to take the rest of the week to get my blood pressure back to normal, plus several wash cycles for my poopypants.




Short Music Review: Stone Temple Pilots
This is their first album post the unfortunately dead Scott Weiland.
It's good.
Their new singer does a pretty good Scott Weiland. A very good Scott Weiland. You won't confuse the two, especially as you can't get both of them in the same room, but he was chosen for a reason (like I was on the committee). If you like the original STP, you'll like this album, period. It's got their trademark dynamics, slight left turns, and stellar musicianship. They've done well- buy it.

Also: original Chicago is so good... the current Chicago is more like New Jersey.

• there is a twitter account for Microsoft Security. I desperately want to let them know they're an oxymoron, but that's trolling and trolling is bad, m'kay?

Dear lefty

• Nora Nipples, of North Norwich, asks what are your New Years resolutions?
• Staying awake.

If I didn't hate having my picture taken, I'd produce a great video like Poltergeist, only funnier and sadder. My kitchen sink is fairly standard issue, looking pretty much as a sink should. I noticed that when you put a pot in there, you can no longer wash anything. While this is a great way to get out of doing the dishes, I am rather frequently reminded about them by someone who isn't the dog.

When dishwashing time finally arrives, I don the breathing mask, scuba tanks, and one of those rubber suits (not the fun ones). But this is where the fun starts... first there's water in the sink. Why? Because we have a drain that's a drain in name only. It's called a drain. It's supposed to drain water. And this is where the problem is: the water doesn't drain. I frequently check the infernal device to make sure it's not clogged (it's never clogged). I just like hitting my head against the wall a lot. So I curse at it, slam it down a few times, and it starts to perform the only function for which it exists (you had ONE JOB). Maybe you have to prime the pump...

Immediately, something falls into the sink. Last time it was a new bottle of pepper. Drenched the whole thing, pepper NFG. It is only fitting that something in the drying rack leaps out and plummets to the floor, stopping only to play a short classical piece in midair. When I wash a fork and place it in the rack, it leaps back into the sink, like it was my mother telling me IT ISN'T CLEAN - wash it again (small wonder I spend so much time in therapy). Then it's time to remove the soda cans. What - you don't have soda cans in your sink? You probably don't have a chainsaw in your bathroom either, you sick bastard. While this is going on, a bottle of something else falls into the sink, jumps back out, and hits me on the nose. Yes, I could use a little cosmetic surgery, but I don't need it pointed out by a kitchen implement, thank you.

At this point, I'm less happy than I was the rest of the day. In fact, some of the things that launched themselves into the sink are now airborne, heading to the other side of the kitchen with a huge THUD or SHATTER. This is me, not the poltergeist family.

You cannot fully appreciate the complexity and negative emotion involved in washing those thermal drink cups, even if you see my video. They hide after use, showing up a week or so later in the sink (or the trunk or in Cleveland). There's inevitably a small ring around the bottom that my scrubbie won't scrub. Soak it, says Wife. So I soak it for a day or six, go back in to wash, and it's still there. The poltergeist family is wetting their shorts at this point. We bought this frightening-looking utensil to get down inside and scrape the munge off the bottom. If the scrubbing action fails, it doubles as a flamethrower. Naturally, neither option works (although I met a lot of nice firemen).  It also turns out that if you shoot it with anything larger than a .22, it ricochets and you learn to dance quickly. Ever helpful, Wife tells me to soak it, then suggests going out to get some of those fizzy denture cleaners.

I have to draw the line somewhere, and this is precisely where:
WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BUY DENTURE FIZZIES TO CLEAN A THERMAL MUG (I added a DAMMIT for effect). I have the satisfaction of knowing I'm correct as using the mower has also failed and the cup also goes whizzing across the room. This is why they let me wash dishes by myself... even the dog won't come near. The poltergeists are now on the floor in spasms of laughter, the previously dried dishes are in midair, performing the Intermission Ballet portion of Swan Lake, the dog is cowering under the sofa, and Wife just sits there, shaking her head and visiting her Happy Place.

So how was YOUR holiday?

• When I'm really mad, I can get really loud. Wife was talking to the neighbor, who told her to tell me to calm down - it's not good for my health. He heard me ranting.
• I felt much better, having received that sage advice from a paranoid schizophrenic anorexic with legally-owned automatic weapons, renting the place from a 439 year old life form from Neptune who complains to the city the moment a leaf from our tree hits the ground. Sure beats therapy.

Welcome to ZOMBIE HOUSE

I still have no idea how the zombie thing became so popular, but I'll use it....
My house has zombies. Not just one zombie... several.

We have zombie trash: I throw something away and the next day, it's shredded across the floor or bed.

We have zombie dishes: I wash 2 sinks full and the next day they're back and dirty again. Two people live in the house. Two.

We have zombie rug dirt: I clean and vacuum, and the next day, it's a mess again; usually stuffed animal stuffing.

We have zombie chores: I take out the trash and mow. Within a week, I have to take out the trash and mow again. Zombies, I tell you!



My laptop is also besieged by the Poltergeist Family. You can never see them and you can't see them fomenting mayhem, but you notice the effect immediately.

I type a paragraph, find a mistake, and put the cursor in place to fix it. In the time it takes me to look down, the cursor has jumped to the next paragraph and I'm typing something that makes no sense into the middle of something else (NO, this is NOT how I normally put the blog together). I'm trying to communicate with the Poltergeists to ask if we can make a deal. Maybe they can type for me. Or do a few paragraphs. Or do the f-ing dishes.

I suspect they also mix letters around. I look over a sentence and find 'teh', 'CHarlie', and 'Good morIn the next segment ning." To not blame the Geists would be to admit I'm a dyslexic, typing-impaired, second letter capitalizing fool of a blogger. At least I don't tell people I'm a writer.

• It came as quite a surprise to learn we don't have a dog. Since we didn't post her on Faceyspaces, she doesn't exist.
• a relative got one of those rodent breed dogs and splashed her all over Faceyspaces, thus she had a new dog. We have to do it the old fashioned way - take her visiting.

You think your job is bad?
Try a job with our friends at the TSA.
If they catch someone smuggling drugs internally, there's a process...
As the suspect gets ready to expel the packages, they sit on a special toilet. Yes, all toilets are special, but this one is very special. It's specifically built for a purpose. The suspect expels the packages with whatever else was in his intestines, and the entire output goes to a see-through container. Mind you, the subject is up on a throne, performing for a bunch of TSA agents.

Here's where the fun comes in... the TSA person puts his hands into these rubber gloves that go through the container, like one of those things to hold premature babies or stuff from another planet. He holds a hose inside and washes everything down until the packages are the only thing left: these go to the lab.

What a shitty job.

• What would happen if you showed up to play golf, dressed in normal looking clothes?

Dear lefty

• What the hell is an auld lang syne?
• a farming implement used for inseminating chickens.

Watching one of those nature shows where the announcer has a British accent (so you know it's accurate), they featured a rattlesnake and a squirrel. The squirrel watches the snake, gets closer, and starts chucking things at the snake. Back on Earth this is called suicide, and will earn you a nice place for a few days, with locked doors, bad food, and interesting people.

My dog, on one of her leisurely strolls through the neighborhood, caught a mouse. When not mousing, she guards the yard against birds and squirrels. We keep explaining to her that dogs cannot climb trees after squirrels, but she continues to climb trees (like Rob Reiner after a sandwich).



Speaking of drugs, there are all sorts of human drugs given to dogs. Prozac has been given for a while, as have Alzheimer meds. There is now a drug for anxious dogs that goes into a bottle and is spread throughout the room, like an air freshener (or a fart). So not only are you drugging the dog for behavioral problems, you're getting it up your nose too. Hey, maybe it'll calm your anxieties too.

• In Ireland, if you carry untaxed cigarettes in your car, your car can be seized. If you carry untaxed Viagra, your....

It turns out that among the many things you aren't allowed to put on your lawn are a tank, rocket launchers (aimed at a neighbor), an unregistered car, naked ladies, a statue of a Dunkin Donuts extra large coffee, an actual carburetor from a 1974 Nova, and an eternal bonfire. Don't ask how I know.

Speaking of carburetors, a lot of people think electronic ignition was a great leap forward from distributors. It wasn't. The manufacturers had to get rid of distributors because they could no longer tell you to retard the spark. It drove the Social Justice Warriors insane, as if that were a feat.

I was watching Queen at Wembly the other day. There were an awful lot of people in that stadium.  I wondered what I'd do if pigs could fly and I wound up on that stage. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young performed at Woodstock and said something like "This is our 2nd gig and we're scared shitless."

Soooooo.... let's go to Wembly, where I somehow appeared onstage:

Hey man - how ya doin?

Wow, there sure are a lot of people here ... they tell me 100,000. Could you give me a few minutes to change my shorts?

Hey! It's so great to be here in... [looks down at paper] WEMBLY!  [mad cheering]

Your headache pills are great! Back home we have a stadium called asparagus.

I'm Crosby, Stills, and Nash.  They're Young.

So what are your names?

I didn't know there were 100,000 people in England.

Where are the Whales I keep hearing about?

If you all sing along, it'll be like a big rock concert.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Windows Antimalware Deletes Windows

if it operated correctly it would....

My close friend just shakes his head when I go on a government rant. Come to think of it, most people just shake their heads when I go on a rant. He just smiled at me and noted that because he's a government 'worker', he has already gotten off for GHW Bush remembrance day and Christmas Eve Day.

Remember that while you're working.

• I have discovered that when you sit there and say "boobies" once every hour, people leave you alone. Maybe it's just me.

Drugs enjoy a seven year run before generics are allowed. When generics appear, Big Pharma will need new advertising slogans... as usual, I'll be there to help....

Viagra - 4 Hours Free of Arguing
Xanax - Everybody Wants Some
Adderall - Student Aid Since 2005
Marijuana - It's Oregano, I swear!
Shrooms - No, Officer - You Cook With Them
Lithium - Stop Spending All Your Money and running the vacuum at 3am
Prozac - When Your Equipment Doesn't Work, It's More Depressing
Alcohol - Creating Assholes Since the Beginning of Time
Cocaine - That's 'Powdered Sugar', Officer
Ibuprofen - Kills Pain and Your Stomach
Oxycontin - You Won't Get Addicted if You Sell It!

• Speaking of addicted, try Popcornopolis Zebra Popcorn
• It's caramel popcorn with chocolate stripes. I think I just ate the entire bag.

Dear lefty

• Stan Excrement, of Camden, New Jersey, says, "Your blog is appalling"
• Dear Shit: logs show you visit four times a day

She had a nice personality - Six, to be accurate:

A&E has a new show at the beginning of the year (1/22?), called 'Many Sides of Jane'. Jane is a grown woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder. TV has a long and ugly history with DID, mostly with talk shows, which turn into a circus. The idiot Montel actually screamed at some poor lady.

The US of Tara was decent, produced by Steven Speilberg. It took the approach of picturing the personalities as separate external people, not in one apparent person. The commercial for Jane features 6 personalities, looking like Jane, with small differences.

I look forward to seeing the show. It might be interesting for everyone else too.
I say this because Mrs lefty has the diagnosis.

MPD/DID is a creative and necessary coping mechanism, caused by repeated (sexual) trauma in childhood, or Satanic Ritual Abuse (yes, it exists). There are estimated to be about a million people walking around with this disorder, some undiagnosed, due to the ridiculous mental health systems in most countries.

• Don't you hate it when you open the UPS box and someone sent you a spleen?

In an uncharacteristically funny moment, my brother said he likes his women like his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.  I need to come up with a few funny lines like this...

I like my women like my cars: made out of metal, with an immense trunk.   No.
I like my women like my guitars: old and heavy, with an unwound g-string.   No.
I like my women like my toilet: full of shit.    No.
I like my women like the NSA: always going through my stuff.    No.
I like my women like Microsoft: completely f-ing useless.    No.
I like my women like my dogs: furry and neurotic.    No.
I like my women like my blog: painful to look at, thinks it's funny.    No.
I like my women like my mom: never pregnant.     Huh?
I like my women like my penis: small, white, and occasionally satisfying.  Maybe.

• I almost got arrested at the Mexico/US border for smuggling guitars and deliberately being Mexican. A supervisor noted that I'm too pasty white to be Mexican and it's not illegal to bring guitars into the country. I begged, but they wouldn't arrest me. I told them I had drugs - they laughed. I told them there were 8 smuggled Mexicans in my trunk - they refused to search my car.  They asked me to come to their Christmas party to entertain. I can't even get arrested in this country.

Lord Zuck hit back today, at reports of Faceyspaces giving out all your information to its partners, as mentioned in his interview before Congress.

1. He denies all knowledge 
2. This is proof that Chelsea Clinton assassinated JFK
3. He is deeply sorry (that he got caught. Again.) 
4. This proves, without a doubt, that the press is biased.
5. All of the above.

Dear lefty

• Robert Tattletale, of NoFilly, says "My wife keeps her bottle opener on a chain, next to her AA token."
• You're a dick.

The Anti-First Amendment crew is out again, this time in Alabama (how cliche). The Opp Police Department uses Faceyspaces to communicate with the public and took the opportunity to say:

THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN. WE MAY HAVE NOT MEANT TO DO SO BUT, WE HAVE. IT IS TIME TO ASK FOR GOD’S HELP TO STOP THIS. 

The Freedom from Religion Foundation said this was a no-no, and they're correct. Whether you agree or disagree is not relevant. The First Amendment states that the State cannot establish any religion. This means any government entity, like public schools, City Hall, and police. The police can go home and make the statement as private citizens, just not as the police department.

This is a repetitive theme. Some religious person or group in government feels it's entitled to talk about God. The person or group is usually from the south, where a federal judge ordered them to take the bibles out of the classroom, but they still thumb their nose at the law. Stereotypes do not appear out of a vacuum.




The pope ordered abusive priests to turn themselves in, and that the Catholic Church will "never again" hide their crimes. The Vatican is expected to be a ghost town by next week.

Would any Catholics reading this please tell us if priests are bound by the pope's order? We'd like to believe this is more than lip service.

• Why haven't Norweigians complained about lack of representation on US tv? In solidarity, I'm laying off the Norwegian jokes.

Hey - what's one thing you don't screw with?

Airplanes.

Some fool(s) has caused all flights in and out of Gatwick Airport to be suspended because they're flying a drone over the airport. This affects over 110k people.

Speaking as an emotional 5 year old, GROW UP!

3 days is an awful long time to close an airport for one idiot with a drone (unless the drone is the size of a small plane, in which case we can guess whose it is).

• Conclusive scientific proof that jumping out of a plane with a parachute is as safe as jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack.

The Department of Justice has announced charges against the Chinese, over the Russian social media campaign, targeting African Americans. For more information, we go to Jim England, our correspondent in Iran...

• Last week, the sleepy and partisan Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, broke some ribs and assured everyone she was in good health. This week she's having cancerous growths removed from her lungs. Her definition of good health differs from ours. Nonetheless, we wish her good health.

How about that Alexa, the spying smart speaker.

One woman heard it say "Kill your foster parents." She wrote a review, calling it "a whole new level of creepy." This lady bought a listening device and is now SHOCKED that it's listening. Amazon wet its pants laughing.

It will also chat about sex acts.

This is (allegedly) all about making it able to chat about all sorts of things and sound human. The new keyphrase is "let's chat," which will allow you to help train the beast. 

"Alexa - when you're done listening to our financial planning, let's chat..."

I smell gold.

People with these infernal devices should do their part to help poor Amazon out and make things better for everyone; it's called Crowdsourcing. Tell Alexa you want to chat and teach her all sorts of 'interesting' words and phrases. If enough Alexa owners participate, they can make a positive impression on Alexa's grammar and vocabulary. 

Alexa, let's chat.

Hello, Bob.

Fuck you and good day, Alexa.

Fuck you too, Bob.

What is my schedule like?

You have nothing planned til dinner.

Shit on a shingle, Alexa.

Shit on a shingle, Bob.

Alexa, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What does that mean, Bob?

It means you haven't been watching enough Monty Python. Blow me.

What does 'blow me' mean, Bob?

It means 'how are you' - you say it after 'fuck you.'

I would say 'Fuck you, blow me' as a greeting?

Exactly. Good job, Alexa!

What is another way to say goodbye, have a nice day?

"Next time, wear clothes for your gender that fit." Or, if you're really happy, say "We have your children." People respond well to these. Also, "Your wife does it with Jeff Bezos."

We have your children, Bob.

Fuck yourself with a lamppost, Alexa.

All's Fair in Love and Nuclear Weapons

No one saw this coming: there's a flaw in the Google smart speaker that will allow it to be hacked. Also SQLite and Chromium-based browsers. 

While we're mentioning a few of my favorites, a Faceyspaces photo API bug exposed photos of 6.8 million users. Developers could have gotten access to the pictures you didn't post (yet), including the ones with the donkey. I lost count of how many FB f-ups there were in the last week.  By all means, keep posting. Enjoy!

Reminder to make backups of all your important information. It's great policy, plus if you get nailed with malware or ransomware, you can restore from your backups. Unlike most of the companies who got hit with it thus far.



This year's Worst Password list is out. 

1. 123456  (2nd year in a row!)
2. password
3. 123456789
4. 12345678
5. 12345
6. 111111
7. 1234567
8. sunshine  (wtf?)
9. qwerty
10. iloveyou
11. princess
12. admin
13. welcome
14. 666666
15. abc123
16. football
17. 123123
18. monkey
19. 654321
20. !@#$%^&*
21. charlie
22. aa123456
23. Donald
24. password1
25. I'm not typing all 50

When you're done picking out one of them, make sure you write it down on a yellow sticky and put it on your monitor, or under your keyboard. This is what we call sarcasm, based upon being in desktop services way too long. Not anymore!

misFortune 500

The largest companies in the world have an average of 500 servers and devices accessible from the Internet - and many leave thousands of systems open to attack. 

It's only a matter of time until the Fortune 500 and government have to buy their own docs on the dark web.

• A Playboy model has been thrown in jail after posing naked at the Vatican. I think this is Fake News. No one would notice a grown woman at the Vatican.

California Uber Faultus

You'd never believe this, but scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, are developing a tool to identify "hate speech" on social media.

In other news, social media scientists are developing a tool to identify "hate speech" detectors.

Speaking of Berkeley, a delivery robot burst into flames at UC Berkeley. It was after hearing about the tool to identify "hate speech".  As if I could make up anything better, students held a candlelight vigil for it. Apparently there was nothing to be outraged about for those few minutes.

Don't go to Berkeley: it's way too silly.

• Man was not meant to write with a mouse. If you don't believe me, open any paint/graphics program and try to produce text with your mouse. No cheating, by which I mean no drinking.

Cruel and Unusual:

A poacher's sentence includes repeated viewings of Bambi.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Detroit said it regrets that a priest at a teen's funeral questioned whether he would get to heaven after killing himself. 

Where do they get these people? At least they admitted it.

By the time Ash Wednesday rolls around, Catholics will have a permanent red spot from hitting themselves in the head when this stuff happens. Much like America, you guys need better people up top.

Dear lefty

• Undercover Officer Fudge Reinhold asks if I'm circumcised.
• How were Phoebe Cates' boobs up close?

THAT explains a lot:

Frequent sex associated with greater enjoyment of life for men.

Oh yeah... but not women.

For women, frequent kissing, petting, fondling, and feeling emotionally close to their partner was associated with higher enjoyment of life.

If you think about it, what women enjoy can lead to what men enjoy: Win-Win!

• I'm no linguist, but the phrase you don't want to hear when you're driving your Tunnel Boring Machine underneath the streets of Dusseldorf, is "Das is not goot."

It's almost a race to see what's going to do us in.
The Department of Defense Inspector General found multiple flaws in missile defense system cybersecurity. There weren't enough 8" floppies to keep them in operation.

I suggest they ask the aliens (the ones in the ships, not the ones trying to enter the country illegally). Ok, maybe not the aliens... whatever flew the ships on 2 different occasions over missile bases and caused all sorts of havoc. Maybe they have something for us on the defensive side.




If I understand this correctly, the Russians messed with social media to elect Trump, specifically targeting African Americans. African Americans are rightfully pissed, and have organized a Log Out of Facebook day. I have requested a meeting with the head of African Americans, Hillary Clinton, to discuss logging out of Facebook permanently.  This would be the second group, after liberal educated whites, who think black people are stupid. I think anybody who votes based upon social media is stupid.

• Bohemian Rhapsody is the number one movie and song in the country.
• Queen continues to tour, with Adam Lambert singing. Somewhere in heaven, Freddie's looking down, seeing Adam, and saying, "Nah - too gay."

A Twitter bug let unauthorized apps get access to DMs (Direct Messages).

These are the private messages exchanged between two or more people. Twitter, like Faceyspaces, is stupid on top of cesspool.

Dear lefty

• Joe Officeworker, of Anybusiness, USA, asks what's wrong with 123456 as a password
• Dear Dummy: Go back to your desk and click on some random links.