Quantum physics is positively fascinating. We have so much to learn about something earth-shattering, that will fundamentally affect the way we live and understand Life, the Universe, and Everything.
We were taught in school (when we bothered going) that electrons were the basic building blocks of everything. The joke was on us (the ones who always went). Quantum particles are very small. Incredibly small. Very Infinitesimally small and tiny. The universal measurement is the width of a human hair. Quantum particles are as large as a Chevrolet but a microscopic bit of a human hair. In fact, one can't even see a quantum particle under an electron microscope, because, as I told you, electrons are the building blocks of everything (but only if you showed up). Plus, you can't have an unimaginable amount of quantum particles under a microscope, in case they multiply, leave the slide, and get Totally Out of Hand; partying in the lab, consuming mass quantities of brownies and diet soda, and calling the lab techs' girlfriends. The joke is on us this time, because lab techs don't have girlfriends, or they wouldn't be in the lab. Ergo semper fi.
Albert Einstein, noted German and smart fellow, said he wanted nothing to do with quantum physics because he refused to believe that the moon went away when he wasn't looking at it.
Quantum particles have an amazing property: when they're bonded (via quantum sex), they are bonded for life (unlike Earth), regardless of distance. After bonding, if one particle is in the US and the other is in China, one will affect the other. This is only a problem if the particle in China is a capitalist. This means you can have a particle on Earth and the other on Mars, both operating as if they were next to each other - faster than the speed of light. No matter how fast something goes, nothing can go any faster than the speed of gossip, especially when it's about you. This bodes well for quantum teleportation, like Star Trek's transporter. In fact it's being tested now... thus far they've managed to teleport William Shatner's rug to the next room. It's hysterical to watch him running around, looking for it.
Quantum particles can be in two states, a particle or a wave. Consider the particle a little dot. Consider the wave a pebble in a pond, or waving goodbye to this stuff because it's wave too confusing. But wait - it gets better! They can flip states even faster than a man identifying as a woman. Their state.... wait for it... is determined by observation. No, really. If you're watching the particle, it's a particle. If you cover your eyes, it's a wave (like RuPaul). Tests to prove this have been done as far back as one hundred years ago, when the wave was much younger and weighed less. Historical footnote: Albert Einstein said there were no tests because he did not observe them.
In the end, you can't measure any of this stuff, because it sees you watching and changes state. This is called the uncertainty principle. It's like trying to decide between two colors of shoes. This is where the many worlds theory comes in handy, ladies, because you get both.
Just because this isn't confusing enough, there's the many worlds theory. This is where a particle can be in two places at once. You can make a decision, but make a different decision in a different universe. This makes it much more fun to go shoe shopping (ladies).
This brings us to string theory. Surely you've heard of string theory: it's two words you drop at a party to sound deep. It describes the actions of the lady behind the counter at a bakery. After you order a bunch of cookies in a white box, the lady grabs about a hundred feet of string and wraps all of it around the box. When you get home, you are completely unable to open the box because of the string. Even though there's a knot at the top, you can't pull the string and get it to unwrap. String theory is often discarded because it's frequently bloody. You can't even cut the stuff with scissors - you need commercial welding equipment.
How do we find these particles? Science is actively working on this issue right now. There is a facility in the US and another in one of those countries where it snows a lot, called CERN. They have these incredibly huge ovals underground, where they race particles. They put a particle in one side and one in the other side, yell THREE, TWO, ONE and send them hurtling toward each other. The line for this job goes back into the next country.. who wouldn't want to race particles at each other, like Gomez Addams with trains? This is done on a sealed racetrack and viewed on monitors in the control room. How any of this generates quantum particles, nobody knows. They just like crashing stuff into other stuff.
Then we reach dark matter. Nobody can actually see it, so it's only theoretical at the moment, like antimatter or the twenty three trillion dollar US deficit. According to scientists at the Made This Up University, dark matter is eighty five percent of the universe. They theorize that while you're standing there, there are trillions of particles of dark matter passing through you every second. Whether or not this is true, the Ku Klux Klan is very nervous and strenuously objects.
There is a mad rush to build a quantum computer. You can infer that it will be very minute, but they'll have to make it really big so everyone can plug their Fitbits into them and take selfies. How will they build this wonder? How the hell should I know... I compose a nonsensical blog. They way it is described, quantum bits (qbits) have three states: on, off, and both. From this description, you can tell qbits are female. Somehow they wrangle these qbits and stuff them into a tiny little box, inside the aforementioned bigger box, and before you can say "antidisestablishmentarianism in the milieu of the cosmic particle theory," you have something you can sell as a quantum computer, to the government, at billions each, plus monthly fees. Microsoft is already working on Windows for Quantum Computing. Just loading it into the computer will make it larger than the warehouse built to house it. At that point, it will support only the particle, not the wave. This will be fixed in a future upgrade, they swear.
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