Black November is a Time to Buy Mowers

Your love is like  400 Black Friday sales emails and flyers

• Yes, I just heard a neighbor yell "YO" at his dog.

Today I identify as  someone who's not going out shopping anytime soon

 The Giving Holidays are coming up. All commercial entities want to make every holiday a Giving Holiday. Black Friday! Cyber Monday! Pre-Thanksgiving Month Giving! Black Labor Day! (oops). It's just over a month away, so most guys haven't gotten around to thinking about what to get the special woman in their lives. Or their wives. It's not like we wait til the last minute on purpose - we just don't think about it til then. Maybe we need the fear to push some adrenaline to help us shop better. It not like you even have to go to the store anymore, although you can't get a Frappucino at home. 

What do you get the woman who wants everything?

A cruise? A diamond ring? A large black vibrating thing?  C'mon, none of us can afford that stuff. Plus if you cruise, you get stuck in some tiny little cabin, with each other for days. At least when you work, you don't have to look at each other. It's a new day - how about some new gift ideas?

• Can't afford the house of her dreams? Get her a Barbie house! Because all women (with at least 1 personality) love Barbies! It's a large down payment, but there is no credit check or mortgage involved.
• a vibrator made from real elephant trunk
• how many people can I piss off at once?
• a PETA membership, including a jar of real blood to throw at people
• a case of Flying AIDS masks, especially if she's the kind who wears them in the house
• an Executive bubble wand
• a Harry Potter Wand ("Anorexia nervosium!")
• Dirty Harry movies (the ultimate chick flicks)
• dirty laundry detergent
• dirty laundry
• a brand new iron, with its own rug shampooer!
• a book on laundry through the ages
• (wait for it...) a brand new ironing board! You gonna score tonight, brah.

Yes, there are no limits to the gifts available to the creative!

• With all the SJW-ing about changing names of things, nobody has said a word about Black Friday. Think about that.

You think I make stuff up about going through hell in a gas tanker whenever I have to do something online? It is the absolute truth. I just don't tell you about the screaming and cursing, then the airborne objects, surface to air missiles, and my trusty flamethrower. I have a very good working relationship with the fire department, especially since I started dropping off donuts and coffee every morning. They know I'm licensed for all of my 'explosive gifts' and well-practiced. 

I needed to put in a service ticket for my errant laptop. This is a walk in the park for any normal person. It's a shame I'm not normal.  It went like this..

1. look up password for the site. It had simply disappeared from the password store. Look it up in backup #3 and found it. My backups are carefully synchronized, so that explains why it's in one but not the other. (?)
2. Locate site. Can't see it well, site blames my browser.
3. try 2nd browser. Site also blames 2nd browser. Site has issues.
4. try 3rd browser. I can see the entire site!
5. Log in. Nope, wrong password. No it isn't, but I play along and change password.
6. Log in again, with new password. Says it's the wrong password. I think this site's issues run deep and have something to do with its mother and hot dogs.
7. Switch browser profiles and whisper nicely to site. It works!
8. Now I can't see the ticket form. Oh. They didn't tell me I had to wait 10 minutes for it to show up. 
9. Fill out service ticket.  Annnnnd the SUBMIT button is grayed out.
10. Scream just a little. Click around the form randomly. Research their address. Start programming one of the ICBMs in my back yard. 
11. But WAIT!!!! The submit button isn't grayed out (nor is it greyed out). We have achieved submission. We don't know how, but we have achieved it.

I swear to you, this is a mild day. If I were purchasing tickets or paying a bill, I'd still be online, alternating between screaming, crying, and calling emergency numbers, questioning my very existence.

I did find a shortcut once, totally by mistake. I said something unpleasant about Kamala Harris. Within 15 seconds, the Secret Service bust down my door. 

"Hey, while you're here, guys, can you help me order these tickets online?"

In the end, I will not be seeing Jeff Beck in England, but I will be very well-protected. You say under surveillance, I say well-protected. Same thing.

Antisemitism - it's OK!

...survey showed that 26% of hiring managers say they are less likely to move forward with Jewish applicants. When asked why, 38% said that "Jews have too much power and control," which is also tied to another 38% who said, "Jews claim to be the 'chosen people"

Now change "Jewish" to "Black." 

It's very interesting that entire flotillas of people are jumping on Elon Musk, saying he's an idiot and Twitter is dead. Imagine for a second that Mr. Bob Smith bought Twitter. Beyond the initial announcement, you'd hear very little. Eventually, people would evaluate Twitter and Smith's performance in his job. Musk has owned Twitter for about a month, and everybody's piling on to personally insult and predict his assassination of his own purchase, since his purchase. It's almost like he changed his name to Elon Trump. I suggest we give the guy a little time, instead of predicting doom before the actual purchase. Then we can pile on, for better or worse. The double standard is ugly; we love to hate the rich. Speaking of which, Jeff Bezos/Amazon just laid off 11,000 people.

Former Manchester United forward Cristiano Ronaldo is suspended for two domestic matches for knocking a phone out of an Everton fan's hand.

I don't blame them. He's setting a bad precedent and hurting the image of football (soccer in American) by not clobbering the fan. In the old days, the guy would have been taken to hospital (taken to THE hospital in American), with serious injuries and blood all over his face. Messing with a phone? When did football start letting girls play? (girls in American)

My new neighbors on one side seem really nice. But you know there's a problem, right? They like to make noise. Frequently. Mostly when I work. At least when I make noise, it has musical content. These folks go for the mechanical. There's a mower, a leaf blower, a car with no muffler, a window washer, a couple of pieces of metal they bang together, and them yelling at the dog. The dog is 140lbs of Lab, and when he wants to lick you, you get licked.

gadly, this is not enough noise for them. They just found out about The 12hp Noise Machine<tm>. It's big, it runs on gas, and boy does it make noise. It doesn't cut the grass, it doesn't blow the leaves, and it doesn't do windows - it just makes noise. You can get it with wheels, so it's a tractor too! It makes 37 different kinds of noise (with the app, it can make up to 400!). You can move it all over the place, to bother different neighbors. If you have a small yard, you can purchase the optional Directional Shell, which sends all the noise in one narrow direction, so you can really disturb one neighbor at a time. The 12 horsepower Noise Engine<tm> really brings the noise! Sure, you can get a half horsepower mower, but why bother when you can get 12 horsepowers of pure noise. The engine doesn't have to drive a blade, so it can focus on exactly what you want and need: making noise. Get your 12hp Noise Machine now, and be the scourge envy of all your neighbors! Available at all Sears and KMart stores.

We all know the tv news is flawed in so many ways. My favorite is watching an entire team cover something with 1 fact, for an entire broadcast. A car chase or a shooting are examples: they send some poor schlub into the field to say many words about something they know nothing about. The other day I saw this on Court TV, which usually has some decent programming. A very sad multiple murder had taken place. All they had was place, method, and number of victims. The reporter was standing at the house where it took place, trying desperately to pad the 3 facts into a segment. We stared at each other and started to laugh.

REPORTER:  Here I am, where the horrific murders took place. There were 4 college students tragically murdered. I am outside the house where they were murdered. With a knife. Notice the police tape around the house. The police tape crosses the front of the house, to keep people away from the crime scene.

The house is 3 stories tall, but it was built into a hill. Notice the police tape around the side of the house, where I just appeared.

[The new Police Tape Drinking Game: whenever she says Police Tape, we take a shot] 

The police tape extends to the parking lot on the side of the house, so the area is not an exact square. There was a lot more police tape, but they are no longer marking off the parking lot.

It's very dark around the side of the house, especially after the sun goes down. This makes it difficult to see the police tape, still up around the house. FLASH UPDATE! Looking through the lower window, I see a KITCHEN! Yes, a kitchen. It could be used for making food or perhaps the alleged murderer got in through the window and allegedly cooked himself a meal, allegedly before or allegedly after the alleged murders. There are more windows around the house, some of which are no doubt bedrooms; several being the scene of the heinous murders. Our forensic specialist team assures us with a 93% certainty that the people in the bedrooms could not see the police tape when it was dark. One specialist pointed out that the crime tape wasn't there before the crime, but he was shouted down by the rest of our panel of experts.

It isn't easy to pad this shit out to 60 minutes, you know. We're doing the best we can. We're even running more Medicare commercials, as if that were even possible. I try my best. All my life, I've given everything I had. I wanted a career that allowed me to make use of my talents and my extensive education. Instead I'm on tv, in some God-awful freezing town in Idaho, doing location work. [tears]  It's not like there's a possibility of a promotion that will get me back into a warm studio, unless something happens to an existing anchor. Hmmmmm.....

Right now, we're still looking at the back of the house. I don't know if you heard our big break in the case, but we've discovered what looks like a kitchen, on the first floor of the house. I was lucky to get a peek through the window. I could just make out a sink, through the police tape.

We're going to go back to the studio, like I wish I was. Take it away, Bobbi.

Bobbi: Thank you, Schlubby. We'll be back to you if there are any new breaks in the case, or if we run out of commercials. I'm very attractive, so I get to stay in the studio.  Can you tell us which police tape they're using? How does it differ from Los Angeles police tape? By the way, it's 80 degrees here. You look cold.

[Wife suggested sending this to CourtTV. heh heh]

• Apple Device Analytics Contain Identifying iCloud User Data, Claim Security Researchers
• but but but.... they said no information was traceable back to a specific user...

I'm a day late, I think. Sorry. I've been fscking off.

Peanut Butter As Lubricant (on Turkey Day)

 

Happy Turkey Day, Merkuns. Happy Whatever Day, non-Merkuns. I'm not thankful for too much, but I'm thankful for you coming by and reading. Then coming back. For telling your friends (that you want to piss off) to come by. For people from other countries who come by and understand the idioms (or whatever they're called - sometimes they get loose and wreak havoc). 

Your love is like  peanut butter shrimp

If you have Outlook at work and need to leave an out of office message, add the words "due to supply chain issues." You will have the best out of office message, even if you get fired.

Today I identify as  Gweneth Paltrow, whose new candle scent is Brad Pitt's penis

Clams are classified as bivalves, because they have two engines. A clam presumed extinct for 40,000 years has been found alive. It's older than the president, but in better shape mentally. The government initially kept this a secret, because his retroactive Medicare payments would bankrupt the country (further).

I finally chose my use-or-lose vacation days, since they won't just pay me anyway. Since I got to this too late, but not later than last year,  I don't have to take the entire month of December off. Just most of it. In an effort to not shaft my coworkers, who would shaft me in half a second, I made sure I was in at least one day per week. And at most, one day per week. With my need for constant stimulation and constant direction, it should be interesting. With unlimited funds, I could just run around and buy stuff. I'm sure there are a lot of my readers with unlimited funds, but I am not one of them (a reader or with unlimited funds). I only blog because I like the money. That turned out to be a regrettable decision after I realized I turned off all the ads and haven't made a penny for over 12 years. So now I only blog.,... ummmm... 

• because it makes the dog proud of me?
• my wife likes the way it keeps me out of her hair
• my wife likes the way it keeps me out of her pants

it keeps me from making household repairs, which wind up costing twice as much when we have to call in the professionals (and the fire department)

just kidding - imagine what would happen if I applied my luck to plumbing.. the Dark Figures would have their way and a swimming pool would appear where the roof once was

So I have a bunch of days to fill with activities so I don't get up to things. I notified the police, fire, and the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. And the guitar stores. It turns out these aren't a problem, as they're just more things I cannot afford. I don't decorate the new black tree, except for a few vacuum tubes and some sex toys. TV is out because I can't stand Medicare commercials. Neighbors don't work from home, so loud guitar playing isn't any fun (nor is organizing Naked Banana Races). Competitive sleeping requires more practice than you think, and cooking is out, due to my oven's perfect 45 degree angle. I can't stand the razzing I get when I show up to a family function with a cake. There are only so many gallons of buttercream icing one can eat before the ambulance parks out front for entire days. 

[ring ring]

Hello?

I have to call you back. click.

I'm happily typing away on my last backup laptop, from I dunno, 12 years ago? It works, absolutely. But it's the one that can't be updated because it's 32 bit and there's little 32 bit software. I'll live. The only significant problem is that it's old and slow and bereft of memory (like me). With 4 programs up, I have to wait til a while after a mouse click before anything happens. Firefox is demanding a week's notice if I want to browse somewhere.

Google is a bitch too. Most of the browsers don't want to log into it. While this is a good policy in general, Blogspot is a Google product. The browser that WILL log in is small, but if you don't pay attention over a day or 3, it gets up to things. The memory use goes up faster than soda prices. It starts inserting things in the blog (so if there's anything you don't like, it was the browser, ok?). If you have lots of tabs open and don't pay attention to it, it makes confidential calls to the FBI about some of the activities you may or may not participate in. Due to a hilarious 'misunderstanding' about 9-11, I was advised not to grow a long beard or take any trips outside the country. 

So I watch the browser carefully.

Dontcha hate it when you get a voicemail from your doctor that goes, "Gee, sorry, we've closed the practice. It's been a real hoot and you should probably find another doctor, ok? If you need any medicine, good fscking luck. If you need any psych meds, walk around the street, naked and barking like a chicken. Eventually you'll get all the meds you ever wanted. And a warm bed. On a locked ward."

 

Social Media 2022

Running to Faceyspaces to complain about Twitter and say we're leaving.

Last year, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) released datashowing that it received overwhelmingly more reports of child sexual abuse materials (CSAM) from Facebook than any other web service it tracked

Aw, isn't that sweet? 

Now that Musk heard from the people of Twitter, he reinstated Trump. For his part, Trump is not returning, preferring his own social network. Let me guess.... his ego is running the show. Why turn down a huge opportunity to address people? 

Your tax dollars at work 

Biden administration earmarks $13 billion to modernize electric grid.

What form of government is it when the government subsidizes certain industries with taxpayer money? It's called America.

Biden administration grants $1.1 billion to keep Diablo Canyon nuke plant open

President Giveaway rides again!!!!!!!!!!!

Meh - it's only your money.  Won't have any effect on the deficit either. 51% of you put him in office. 51% of you should be taxed accordingly.

---------> don't blame me - I vote libertarian

Tax filing websites have been sending users' financial information to Faceyspaces!

The guilty parties are TaxAct, TaxSlayer, and H&R Block.

You need to read this. You need to contact the companies and stop doing business with them if they continue (which they will). Contact your congresspersons.

The only surefire way to block this is to fill out your return on paper [yikes!]. The way to do it electronically is through a HOSTS file. This goes on your computer (don't do your tax returns on a phone) and blocks any info going to advertising and spy domains (Faceyspaces, Google, ads).  Wikipedia has information on hosts files on all operating systems. This site has a list of HOSTS files which can block ads, gambling, pr0n, social stuff, and combinations. I use the first one. Through the combination of a HOSTS file and ad-blockers on my browsers, I never see ads. Never. This file will stop your computer from being able to send data to ad domains.

The pixels are also embedded in email. You're not going to like this, but turn off 'automatic image loading' in Outlook or whatever you use to read mail on your computer (and the web). The HOSTS file will stop this on your computer, but it's difficult to do on a phone. Try Firefox with an ad-blocker. If you use an iDevice, you're screwed. You can install any browser you like, but it all goes through Safari anyway.

Thanksgiving Sheep 

It's Turkey Time again!

This usually means a trip to family. It's a nice time for the local folks to get together. Everybody brings something and this year we volunteered (get ready) a turkey and a ham.

WHY did we volunteer a turkey on Thanksgiving? Because our host is a little off. Last year it was 2 different lamb roasts. This year there's a choice: lamb roast or lamb chops. Are you starting to see a theme here?

We volunteered a turkey long in advance, because we like to help out, and because I have a lamb allergy (I'm not allergic - I just don't like it). We were kept on hold for weeks til the hostess made her decision. It's not that she's a control freak, but we're given a time to arrive, with only a few minutes plus or minus. It's not that she has OCD, but the dishes are laid out alphabetically. You dare not touch them until you have the go-ahead, least you leave early with some silverware embedded somewhere the emergency room hasn't seen for a while.

So with a 2 day til Thanksgiving advance time, we were told turkey and ham weren't needed - just bring apple pie. The irony here is that I am allergic to apples. No problem - I just won't eat any pie. The extreme lack of notice is screwing with our food-bringing plans.... imagine having to get a turkey on 2 days' notice. But I'd rather do that than eat lamb. 

Let's take a moment to point fingers, shall we? I might have dropped a hint at some point that I don't like lamb. If I were a host, I'd accommodate someone who doesn't like something. On the other foot, I'd have to figure there would be lamb. On the third foot, screw the guests if they don't like what I'm making - they can go to McDonald's. If it's open - ha ha.

I'm just not a nice or polite enough person to suck it up and not eat, so Hijinks are in order. Please help me out if you have any ideas....

• bring a day-old McDonald's order
• have a pizza delivered
• bring a couple of pounds of ground beef and make burgers
• one of those 2' diameter chocolate chip cookie cakes (with extra icing, of course)
• bring my pet lamb, Chops
• screw it: bring a half gallon of ice cream and just eat that 

This might be why I don't get invited a lot....

• 2.6 ozzes of garlic powder, $9.99 - the Supply Chain has taken a serious dump 

It's so cold outside

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's so cold, we have to put our hands in the refrigerator to warm up.

STANDARD HOLIDAY DISCLAIMER

The holidays are generally a joyous time. Unfortunately, for some, it's the absolute worst time of the year. You are not alone; reach out. Friends, family, religious leaders, hotlines, doctors, hospitals, city/county/state resources, more resources through your state congresspersons. It's very important that you reach out. You don't have to feel this way - help is available. If anything happens to you, that's one less ThermionicEmissions reader, and I can't afford that.

[funny image of turkey]

Drunk Blogging

 

Your love is like  buying a social media site called Twatter

On the bright side, we've gone a long way toward solving the Laundry Issue. We just found a bunch of missing wash, in missing baskets. For some reason, perhaps they were scared, they moved into the dining room. It was obvious why we never saw them: they were behind the arc welder.

Today I identify as  Alex Jones - the only person Elon Musk refuses to let back on Twitter. At least Musk is pro free speech. Musk did a poll as to whether Trump should be allowed back, and the answer was yes. I'm shocked.

As if the laptop saga weren't enough, my phone experienced a bit of nostalgia the other day.  I know some people who never escaped Woodstock and some people who never escaped a war. My phone told me I had nothing going on. This is unprecedented, as I always have highly important, sometimes secret things, like my nephew's cello concert. Oops. After some looking around, I discovered my phone had never escaped April 4th, 2003. This is not a significant date, at least for me (and Woodstock non-escapees). In fact,. I can't figure out a way to set the phone to that date and make it stay that way. We just went to Daylight Savings Time and your phone made the adjustment automatically (leaving the rest of your house an hour off). How could this be? Am I in a temporal disturbance? I checked my car and job, which were all current, so I stared a bit and checked the liquor bottles.  Also current, and with some left. 

For lack of any other idea, I turned it off and on again. It worked. I should be surprised, but I'm not. Why wouldn't my phone set itself to a random date? It happens all the time, doesn't it? It doesn't? Oh. 

I'm starting to think there are other entities at play. I don't have any chickens to sacrifice, piles of money to burn, dolls with pins, bibles, holy water, or much else of religious significance, aside from a bunch of commemorative Jimi Hendrix stamps. Do I need to hire people in uniforms to come in and say stuff inside the house?

If you could see me now, I look like a large black cloud, with thunderbolts shooting out, and a really strange, Thor-like creature in the middle. With a very stylish, black, left handed Stratocaster.

HOLD THE PRESSES 

Since we're approaching the holidays, you can now buy white chocolate covered Oreos. Drop what you're doing and get out to the store with the least Supply Chain Issues and pick up whatever you can afford. Trust me.

Week's best pr0n title: She Blew Out Your Can  (?)

Week's worst pr0n concept: My Big Fat 600lb Sex Life

Trump is in for the 2024 election.

Everybody is shocked.

Going strictly on history, here is my prediction: Democrats, trying their damnedest to put up mediocre to bad candidates, will continue to run Biden, because apparently he hasn't done enough damage (yet). His slogan will be "Giving away your money for free stuff!" The Democratic National Convention will serve only toast, because no one can afford much else. Trump supporters will burst into the Republican convention and burn Biden in effigy. The convention will be very cold, as no one can afford heating. The libertarian candidate will remain a secret until one month before the election. It won't matter, because he or she will only get 1% of the vote, even with some of the most idiotic candidates in the history of the country running in opposition.  There will be accurate claims of vote stealing, which will be dismissed as conspiracy theory. Video of trucks hauling votes to burning facilities will be all over YouTube, before they're banned as disinformation.

About Biden running: I wish he'd start running now. Don't fret, he'll only be 80; plenty of time for whatever's left to dissipate (as well as his ratings).

The people, in their gross ignorance, will again prove their gross ignorance by causing another 50/50 split in the results. They enjoy doing the same thing every time, hoping the outcome will be different this time. While this is traditionally the description of insanity, it has also become the definition of American voting. Furthering the proof of the midterm elections, Democrats will largely win, because people are largely stupid. Republicans will win some smaller elections, proving that their people are largely stupid too. The stupidity of republican voters matches the stupidity of republican politicians, especially where the election-losing policy against abortion rules the land. Don't let them fool you - it's 2 sides of 1 warped coin.

While you were touching yourself watching The Masked Furry, the world population hit 8 billion. While I would never suggest Bill Gates was right (about anything), perhaps we're overpopulating the place. If nothing else, we're making a hell of a mess out of it.

Another cryptocurrency exchange went bust (FTX), owing money to over a million people. 

Crypto was a tremendous idea. I watched closely. Then I watched insiders flee with assets and hacks. I watched currencies fail and fall. I just couldn't see getting involved, with that much to lose. Instead my 401k plays the stock market, where there's even more to lose, just as there always has been.  I TOLD YOU SO. Considering (I think) I'm always right, you'd think I could make something from that. Alas, no.

Many interesting things happen at Thermionic Manor. Daily.

Having settled my upcoming days off, I said I have to give the list to Wife.

This morning I'm awakened at the glorious day off time of 7:30.

Did you put air in the tires?

[grumble, think] fzsnitzness

Huh?

No.

I have to go to the doctor and can't bend to do it.

I know. My fault.

Good thing it was my first vacation day off.

I began the process of Not Going Back to Sleep. This can take up to an hour, involving trash cans, an incredibly happy spaniel licking my forehead, thinking about chocolate, and a nagging internal voice, demanding I do something... all combined with the most powerful force on earth: guilt. I was readily aided by someone outside doing... something... that alternated between slamming something into metal and launching tires with a trebuchet. Bless my neighbors - they have a noise for everything.

I can't tell you how I did it, but I found myself out of bed and even dressed.

She looked at me with one of her 157 patented Strange Looks. She went on to tell me she had canceled her appointment, so all was well, just go back to sleep like I didn't wake you on your vacation day and you didn't spend half an hour winching yourself from the bed, semi-awake. And by the way, aren't you supposed to be working at this time?

I'M ON VACATION!

It was at this point I said to myself that if this is what vacation was going to look like, I would forfeit my 20 days. Give em to somebody more deserving. Somebody single.

And hurry up with giving Wife a copy of my days off.

• Because it's a week after Veterans Day and not a holiday, there are fireworks outside.

Up I get, 9:00 on a Saturday, because... you guessed it.... air in the tires.

The only place around is a gas station. The machine takes only quarters, to dispense what you breathe freely, which is just a single one of today's ironies.  The machine instructs you to put the quarters in slowly, probably so it can feel the satisfaction from each quarter.. pure profit. Notably, there are 2 metal poles in front of the machine, as well as its sister, the car vacuum. I'll bet there's a funny story there. 

A car vacuum? What a concept.

I can't see much use in that. It would be admitting that your car gets dirty, and I just don't want to go there. We're driving a really nice car, which simply doesn't get dirty. Dusty, but not dirty. So there's nothing to vacuum.

Ah, but there is. Cars seem to attract trash. Cigarette packs (no idea whose), candy wrappers, condom wrappers (no idea whose), and 5lbs of paper you have to take off the straw before you use it. Do you have any idea how much of that paper it takes to make up 5libs? It actually rides in the back seat, occasionally hinting for a bigger car and a seatbelt extender.

So, at 9am, I pull into the station. And at 9am, there's already some guy using it. I managed to laugh slightly, as only 1 person in line before me is a very small number. 5 is closer to normal. I pull up close, so the fellow knows somebody's next. To be honest, I pull up, hoping against hope it will speed his airing up. Naturally it didn't. I have my rearview mirror set so I can watch to see if he leaves. I spend a lot of time looking at it. This guy apparently needs some serious air. Either that or he's letting the summer air out of his tires and replacing it with winter air. He had a truck, but it only had 4 tires, so that didn't explain his lack of hurry.

Meanwhile, I took the time to push all the buttons in the car that I can't push when I'm driving. Well, that I shouldn't push when I'm driving. Just in case I was worried, it showed me a little car with numbers for each tire, and whether that was low or not. The low ones flashed red. Somebody got paid a lot of money to design this. I liked it, as I'm easily amused, especially by blinky lights. Looking up again, I saw Skippy the Truck Driver hang the hose up on the machine. I sighed with relief. Unfortunately I sighed too soon: Skippy had a lot more to do. I thought since he still had time left on his quarters that he was maybe inhaling the air. Checking that his tires were still round. Walking around the truck, admiring its lines. Looking to see if there were any new scratches (he has every one of the 141 scratches notated in his Scratch Database). It's about 32 degrees out, which is coincidentally the pressure required in my tires. I figure no one wants to assess the exterior of his vehicle in this weather, but I was wrong. The expensive system for telling me which tire is low does everything but indicate what normal is. This quickly becomes a research project. Rather than squat, I figure I'll check the manual. The car is the only thing on Earth that still comes with a manual. And if the manual were in the car, I'd probably have an answer. The 2nd question was WHY was the manual not in the car. The possible answer was there was no room left in the glovebox, after the actual gloves, aspirin, condoms (again?), and that bangy tool that can break your window in an emergency. How you get to it in a frozen car is beyond me. The 3rd question is why is there a need to examine the manual elsewhere? Is it homework from Hyundai? Will there be a quiz?  How many miles should there be between oil changes? Do I have to stay after class again?

Finally Skippy drives off, completely satisfied, re-aired, and smug, with a fine day's work done. He was probably going home to sleep, where I should have been at 9am. Not at his house - at mine. He wasn't my type, being a guy and all. I wish he had stayed to watch a Real Man put air in his tires. There is 1 way you can find out if we've had the car for more than a month: if there are no screw-off caps on the air stems. We had exactly 2, of different types, which tells us the car is 2 years old. Now if Wife cannot bend well and I am meticulous about putting the caps back on, where did they go? I'll bet the *$&#ers who held the car for ransom stole them. They probably had to mail them to the state, to prove something or other, for which we'd be fined a 2nd time.

My entire operation lasted under 5 minutes (6 kilograms Canadian). The only problem was that either the hose or my car's expensive display system was miscalibrated: I filled it to 32, and the display said 31. This is an OUTRAGE. Someone will feel the sting of my keyboard! Where are Standards and Measures? They calibrate the pumps and they get that little sticker. Why not the air? Miscalibration could lead to all sorts of driving issues, even a crash. Your left side could be higher that your right, which is the wrong way to go if you're looking for that jumping up and down thing that the real lunatics want. Lastly, the guages did not change. I was beside myself, until Wife explained that the car needs to be on the road for a few miles before it read correctly and the alarms ceased their flashing and screeching. 

What have we learned?

1. do NOT get up at 9am for anything (except that)
2. acquire one of those portable compressors that run off the cigarette lighter. It won't save you from having to put air in the tires, but you don't have to drive anywhere and wait behind the Skippies to do it.
3. know thine air pressure. commit it to memory. it's much easier than remembering your wedding anniversary.

Oh yeah, 9 in the morning.

I'm in the bathroom, doing bathroom things, when there's a question from Wife. Wife talks regardless of where I am or what I'm doing. 

"Do you have $20 so I don't have to go to the machine?"

Uhhhh...... not on me. I don't have clothes on me.

Oh, because I have to go to my sister's then the convenience store then...

If you could stop talking in paragraphs and please let me get on with the bathroom things.....

In my sock drawer is a bottle of A+W Root Beer, just sticking up from the drawer. I asked Wife, who just stared at me and said, "I don't know."

This is by far not the strangest thing that has happened this morning.

I know you're saying to yourself that you'd understand a Coke or 7up, but A+W is pretty serious. And you'd be correct. But I'm learning to pick my battles, so I'll leave this and wait for whatever greets me later in the day. It will definitely be weirder and more challenging, possibly involving 4 hours of fighting and 2 hours of apologizing. Why just the other day I had the temerity to suggest we use the chair for our butts, as opposed to the brand new Leaf Eviscerator 2000 and Barbies. You'd have thought I said something about her mother and tweeted it to Elon Musk. We observed the required 12 hours of silence.

please excuse the lack of hilarious and thought-provoking memes, but they're all on one of the fallen machines.

The Ice Cream Diet - now for the Lactose Intolerant

Your love is like   the lady who keeps her dead pets around

• You tell me: Hollywood's best rug - Chuck Norris or Ben Aflac  ?

Today I identify as  I sure picked a bad week to identify as Elon Musk

I still haven't figured out which vacation days I'm taking by the end of the year. Last year I wound up taking  off most of December, which produced the Forced Vacation series of blogs. I'd really like to avoid that this year. I don't want to be an ass to my coworkers (or my readers). Come to think of it, they don't always treat me so well (the coworkers, mostly). Although I do remember coming to work and discovering a large cucumber on my desk. It was definitely the first time that happened. Fortunately it hasn't happened since, as I work from home. I'm not sure I'd like what Wife was trying to tell me if it did.

I know you're reading this because you're incredibly curious about my laptop situation.

The first laptop developed a bad display connection and a bad delay when anything is typed or clicked.

The backup laptop, a 10 year old Cadillac that still runs great, has been a pleasure to use. Until I remembered why I needed a new one: it got hot, the display freaked out, and the laptop froze, requiring a reboot. This put a real damper on doing anything, because I never knew when the laptop would seize. While this would be an actual blessing for work, I kinda needed it to stay powered up.

Now I'm getting desperate. There's an android tablet somewhere. The charge barely lasts long enough to sit and surf. Oh wait... there's an even older laptop. It works, which is the best thing I can say about it. I am afraid to boot it up because the display will break within an hour. I seem to have this effect on displays. If I could get paid for this, I'd be rich! But it seems about as useful a talent as being able to destroy trashcans. Now if I could stop ear hair from growing...

The thing I forgot about the last laptop is that it's a 32 bit processor. All current processors are 64 bits. I am as far as I can go with the operating system (a few years ago) and many browsers won't run on it. At least the display isn't broken (yet).

A Chromebook is inevitable. I might as well give Google the rest of the information they don't have about me, if there is any. Maybe my tiny android phone. Or 2 semi-broken tablets. I should use 1 of them for work - it tries to boot, fails, then goes into a loop. A long time ago, I used to be able to destroy hard drives by simply using them. My buddy suggested a custom plate for my car  NOMO HD. My skill went into hibernation for 30 years and morphed into Display Destruction. NOMO VID?

“You can’t win an unwinnable war. DEA knows this and the agents know this,” Irizarry said. “There’s so much dope leaving Colombia. And there’s so much money. We know we’re not making a difference.”

“The drug war is a game. ... It was a very fun game that we were playing.”

--Jose Irizarry - the DEA's most corrupt agent

It's a great article, but the above is a perfect summary of the drug war.



Enjoying the hell out of half of our weather. One day it's over 70, the next it's under 50, with a frost warning for the evening. This is somewhat aggravated by the industrial size fan in the bedroom. One of us, I can't say which but she has boobs, has to have fresh air, so the fan runs. Even in sub-Arctic temperatures. I suggested she sleep next to an open window, but she said "No - it's cold outside."

Speaking of sleeping, the dog's getting clingier. This morning we were back to back.  I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I'm upset because I didn't notice it when it was happening. She has also taken to licking my pillow. Nobody knows why, but she's a cocker and that's perfectly normal. She also tried to drink all my coffee this morning. That's 4 cockers who loved coffee.  Mrs. lefty, bless her, tries to keep Dog from bothering me when they get into bed after me. It fails 100% of the time, but she tries. First the dog has to jump on me and lick my forehead. Only mine, no one else's. Then squiggle around for a few minutes. Then lick my face. Then lick my pillow. Wife apparently doesn't understand these are things Dog must do. I am told one of them would stand on my chest, turn around a few times, then lay down and go to sleep. I was completely unaware of this and continued sleeping. This makes me wonder what else goes on while I'm sleeping... I used to wake up with a sore.... never mind.

Aqara’s new smart feeder can give your pet control of its bowl

Because nobody knows when they want to eat better than your pet.

Except the kid who hacked your IoT network. 

It's not that I really like these sweet potato chips, but if your fingers get close to the bag, they might not come back whole. It's even worse with the sweet potato tater tots. It's like dessert with dinner.

• There is simply nothing for breakfast like coffee, Mt Dew, and bacon pizza.

Starbucks store-bought caramel macchiato creamer is better than Starbucks anywhere-bought coffee.  It's only $17.99 at CostCo, the only creamer in the entire store. Shit is gettin' real out there, people.

The first cubesat to fly and operate at the Moon has successfully arrived

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency."

• NASA wishes to apologize for the press release. One of their more dyslexic people in Marketing thought it said NASA, when it actually said NSA. 

The actual NSA press release said:

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency. With this multi-billion dollar small piece of hardware, we can be assured that nothing happens on the Moon without our knowledge. It's our Moon - nobody else's. Nyah nyah. Suck it, China."

 

• In completely unrelated news, one of NASA's marketing team has been promoted to CEO.

It's quiet in the house.

This might be due to my spending a few quiet hours with the computers, trying to do simple things.

The neighbors have called in their Rottweilers. There are no children out within 3 blocks. My wife, who has spent over 20 years perfecting the art of ignoring me, has taken the dog and gone to bed. This is all out of SHEER TERROR. Because normal people can do things and they get done and work perfectly. But I'm not normal. No sir. The art of getting email on a backup laptop that used to get email anyway, is such a fine balance that young children can do it with their eyes closed. I am not a young child. In fact, I am an advanced child. Of course I know every step and credential. It just won't work. Before you look at me like an idiot (I prefer you to look at me as a very sarcastic, yet entertaining, occasional smart guy), I copied each email account line by line, password by password and it WILL NOT WORK.

I'm beginning to think this has something to do with my not drinking. 

I have to admit, we're giving it our best try, but it never occurs to us to drink mid-day or at work. 

Perhaps if I got smashed, I wouldn't have any of the grief I encounter, almost as if it were perfectly normal. I gotta say, the idea of going through days just fine, without trouble, appeals to me greatly. Being able to add email accounts to laptops, with the same passwords and it Just Works. It might be worth my liver for that.

It was going kinda fine until the mail arrived. The state wants to extort $500+ from me over the car situation, only we're not sure why, because we already paid an exorbitant amount for the ransom. The DMV was set up by criminals in order to funnel private money to the state. There is NO reason to register your car. There is no reason to get tickets because you forgot to put your insurance card in the car. It's legalized robbery. This is another reason I'm a libertarian. This large bit of extortion made me start to think that practicing drinking should start earlier in the day.

THEN I figured why not put email on the last laptop functioning, as I could look right at a previously-functioning laptop to make things easier. This was my first error. And my second one. 

Email Acct 1

put in password

server says NFW, ha!

Website lets me log in and before going to email, tells me I have a ridiculous balance owed and they're charging me FEES on top of it. Hang on a minute, dingbats... if you have my payment information and the account is set to auto-pay, WHOSE fault it is you don't have the money?

Put password in.

server actually laughs.

Gmail account

put in password

server says NO.

I retype password

server says NO, you fool, then takes me to the web page.

I sign in and it tells me I don't have cookies enabled.

That's correct: the cookies are in the other room and don't start til after dinner.

But I figure I'll play - I used another browser, with cookies.

Gmail said UH-UH, don't even THINK about it.

Have you ever had to go through a sophisticated multi-account email program to find how to turn cookies on? Ok, so maybe you have.

Once again it took me to Gmail's login page, and I approved myself.

As I sign out, the error message stated 'error logging in.' Of COURSE there was an error after the page told me everything was ok. 

Email acct 3

Enter same password as on other machines.

Server say NO, I'm not going to make it that easy on you.

Oh. Perhaps drinking IS the answer.

It's a very long password, which I kept having to copy from another screen. Repeatedly.

Server still say NO.

Alrighty, then. Three email accounts, ZERO of which I've gotten working on the old machine.

Honestly, I ran very large, very expensive networks, and kept them free of intruders. No problem.

Try setting up laptop email? Problem.

Then I started figuring stuff out.

Account 1 requires you to go to their web page, login, and tell it that it's ok to get your mail.

Account 2 requires you to go to their web page, login, and do a short dance. Being bereft of rhythm, this is the most difficult part of email.

Account 3 requires you to find the people running the server, login, then shove all the not-working laptops so far up their backsides, they cough megabytes.

The last little trick was discovered by mistake, like all those neat explosive things. When you put your password into the email program, do NOT tell it to remember the passwords. This is stupid, counterintuitive, wrong, and the final strike against remaining sober for the day. And in the end, none of it was my fault, so I feel a little less mentally-impaired.

The funny thing is that my typing improves as I drink.

The Art of Lack of Communication

Your love is like  a blown transmission on a long distance trip

I like to buy annoying presents for my buddy. For years it was anything to do with farts. Because farts are funny, birth to death. Even to (some) women. Now that he's getting older, I decided on a nose hair trimmer. While I've not looked up his nose, it's an odd gift. It got me thinking that with all the rude behavior in public. you never see nose hair trimming (or braiding). Where do you suppose he should try it out?

• weddings
• public transportation
• work
• whenever his wife tries to talk to him
• never, NEVER home alone in the bathroom. That would be weird.

Today I identify as   myself - don't hate.

Come and listen to a story bout a man named lefty...

He got home from the guitar show, whereupon Mrs. lefty left to visit people 3 hours away. All of the sudden, his phone was telling him he didn't complete the registration process. If that's true, why did it work for the last 4 weeks? When he called Support, he could naturally not get a human, even one in India. It would not take his payment information. He had no phone except for text. Wife texted, saying her calls to phone were rejected. He texted back the info, but because cellular phones are only 30+ years old, they haven't shaken out the bugs yet, and his texts take up to a day to reach her  phone, if at all.

 It was the bank card. I knew it.

Sure enough, the card was messed up and any service I had on it was no longer working. This includes the landline. So I tried to call the card Support but the phone kept shunting me to Purrrizon because they wanted their money NOW. I tried again, after which time they blocked me for too many times trying to fix it. I tried another phone for the landline, but everything was dead. I must have looked adorable trying the Eeyore phone.

So there I was, sitting in my chair, laptop going, and dog between me and laptop. Have you ever typed over a dog? Cat? Toyota? I had 2 phone lines that weren't working. No one could call in and I couldn't call out. Purrrizon said I had to go to a retail store to get things fixed. I don't think I'm as fond of this plan as I thought I'd be. I had no car either. After slipping on the escaping magazines, causing a monitor to plummet to the ground and my laptop to attempt it, I started to vocalize.  And by vocalize, I mean SCREAM the most interesting words, possibly teaching both new neighbors some new phrases.  The dog was terrified and decided to go to bed for the night (where I found her, when *I* went to bed... in the bed). After SWAT left, assured this was just another rant, not requiring their presence, I decided to continue my new hobby; drinking.  I am told it takes a while to get good at, but I am up for the challenge. I didn't get where I am today by neglecting challenges. Unfortunately I have no idea where I am today, so that might be a bad comparison.

So here we are, the next day, and I still can't get anywhere. Just to make things more interesting, the laptop, which did nothing but sit and not be used, now has no display. It just shows me a squiggle here and there. The doctors say I'm paranoid. You're not paranoid if they really ARE out to get you. All of the sudden, as if by magic, the landline rings. The landline that was not working last night. Normally this would make my head spin around and spit pea soup, like The Exorcist. Instead I decided not to strangle anybody, cause SWAT to return, or continue with Drinking School before 9am. I thought SWAT and I had an agreement by now... I don't even have any guns. I'm not really violent. Ok, maybe a little...

Because the landline came up, I could get everything else fixed, with the notable exception of the laptop. It took about an hour plus an external monitor, but I did it. Even after all this, plus the time I put into my new hobby, I felt neither bad nor good. Perhaps I should advise everyone to stay away for a few weeks. Aw, who am I kidding.... at the wedding we went to, they asked that all phones be turned off. Mine makes no noises and no one calls. Now I have to turn my head to the right, where the monitor is. I expect quite a lot of neck pain by the end of the day, as opposed to my normal pain in the neck.  But naturally, after getting the monitor going, the computer has a wildly long delay after I type. I can type out whole sentences then watch them type on the screen. Obviously the computer is straining to run a single monitor because it used to run two. It's logic, kids, get with it!

When everything calmed down and I was through with the whiskey, I went to work. I fired up some music to make work fun and discovered I had no audio. Pick your battles.

As it turns out, it's harder than it seems to catch a huge piece of falling rocket booster with a helicopter. Now if you ask me, which you didn't, catching a huge, plummeting metal rocket booster, even with parachutes, with a helo looks very hard. I would not want to be on the helo, even if they know something I don't. Oddly, they haven't succeeded yet.

Next week, the same company will be catching a falling satellite, the size of a school bus, with a paper airplane.  

So we traveled to the wedding, in Maryland. And in the car. Did you know it's becoming borderline impossible to get air for your tires? Both at the convenience store were broken.  They disappeared from the gas stations. The line was 5 deep at CostCo. It's kind of important, as I understand it, right next to gas and oil. And candy.

It's always nice to get out on the interstate and piss everybody off by only doing 20 over the speed limit. Something must have happened because the Maryland drivers, normally kamikazes, were driving like old ladies, in the snow, at night. 

The wedding was absolutely the most recent wedding I've ever been to. There were people, ceremony, alcohol, and food, most of which I don't like. They sat some unknown people at our table, so I welcomed them to the rude table. They thought that was a lot of fun, possibly until I told them I was rewriting the vows in my head as they were reciting them. They didn't say much, so I don't know if they had a good time or were abjectly horrified. They did run to their cars, if that means anything.

One guest was gender-fluid. This is not a problem for me. The problem was his dress, or rather, below his dress.  If you're dark skinned and dark haired, you should probably shave your legs. I don't want to say he could braid it, but... And here I am, giving fashion advice to someone who's approximately 50% different from me, genderwise. Wife was in total agreement. Those pronouns must be a real bitch.  Wife went to school with a gender fluid person. He looked good both ways. She loved his shoes.

We knew things were going to be 'interesting' when we realized Wife's pocketbook and the gift were a few states north. We outsmarted ourselves by leaving them on the DO NOT FORGET table, which we forgot to check. Things got even more interesting when Wife was holding her keys, which had separated from her car fob. Sometimes I'm afraid to leave the house, even to the supermarket. Ever have a day like that? A month? A life? In the actual dark, the former kamikaze Maryland drivers had slowed down even more. To prove I'm not making this up, I had to keep passing them while doing the speed limit. The Maryland drivers pick on the Pennsylvania drivers, saying we're out of control. Maybe they see us trying to avoid them as being reckless.

We stopped at the Middle of I-95 Huge Gas and Food stop because Wife's bladder is the size of a pea. I was looking forward to a coffee drink or something to eat.  HA! The place had about 10 restaurants. Counting the ones that were open, it had none, except the little convenience store, where Coke is $4.  I was astounded, as I've never seen this before. There has always been food. I could get a strawberry smoothie, provided I liked mine with banana. After another long day I'd rather have spent not being social, this didn't go down well. Mrs. lefty ran to the car, so people didn't think she was with me. And I still had to wait 5 minutes for a cigarette. Hers - not mine. I'm not positive, but I think she's now smoking the full cigarette, as opposed to part of it, before she gets in the car. She knows it pisses me off. Yes, coming back from a wedding.

Chet Atkins to Les Paul: If you got a thumbpick, you could play with yourself.

RIP 2 greats of guitar

43 Injured In Manhattan High-Rise Fire Caused by Electric Scooter

What on a scooter could possibly start an entire high-rise fire?

It's the battery, just like a Tesla!

In actual unrelated news...

Tesla recalls 40k cars over patch that broke power steering

Do not purchase a software-controlled car. 

Yes, there are mistakes, but the entire car could be shut down remotely. The recall was first issued on Twitter. heh heh.

 

THE VOTE  

Pennsylvania seems to be crippled by 2 things: the candidates and the voters. Politicians are scum everywhere, so one usually has to blame the voters, who have done an absolutely miserable job in their duty as citizens. PA was divided by party long before the country was goaded into it by Divide and Conquer.

The most visible race was Fetterman vs Oz.  Fetterman won by a small margin. Now we have a senator with gigantism, tattoos, and a stroke that hasn't fully been processed. Remember, PA residents - this is the guy who stood behind Wolf and declared the government knew better than you, as it arbitrarily closed businesses and livelihoods. It decided which businesses were essential. You voted for the Nanny State. Again. You're not a bright bunch, are you? You have something against learning from your mistakes, or you want the government to take care of you from cradle to grave. This is very expensive financially and libertywise. Fetterman's competition wasn't much better. An anti-abortion tv medical fraud pitchman named Oz. The libertarian candidate got at least 1.4% of the vote. While it is paltry in the short run, it means people are starting to wake up and will help the state in the long run.

Our new governor is soft on crime and doesn't believe in the 2nd Amendment, much like his idiot predecessor (of 2 terms - it's your fault again, voters). The libertarian got about 1%. The republican is a religious fellow, who used bible quotes on his signs and wanted to take a 40 day prayer fast to improve his campaign's standing. He was also anti-abortion - surprise! 

The democratic state senator won. This person hasn't answered a single email or phone call for assistance. The democratic rep also won. At least he returns emails. Both may be responsible for a tax on outside purchases, like Ebay.

The PA voting results site has a revoked certificate, therefore isn't safe (HTTP). Vote democrat! Vote republican. Two sides of the same warped coin. 

Engraved into a 4000 year old Canaanite comb: “May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard,”

Alternate translations: "I bet they'll never decipher THIS." and "Trump Sucks."

UC Berkeley immediately went on strike, saying "HEY, weren't the Canaanites Jewish? They are not allowed on our campus."

California voted on legislation to add a tax to the wealthy to subsidize the purchase of electric cars and build recharging stations. I don't live in California, thankfully, but the idea of adding more taxes is repulsive. Everybody deserves the fruits of their labors, rich or poor. People seem to think taking money from the rich is ok. Well, people who aren't rich think it's ok. I say no more. No more taxes on any of us. Too much of our hard-earned money is stolen, mostly by the federal government.  It is not the job of the rich, or anybody else, to subsidize the purchase of electric cars for people who can't afford them. Nor is it their job to build up electric vehicle infrastructure. Let's see some deep cuts in the local and state and federal governments. Let's get the inefficiency and theft out first. The idea of this just proves the statement "once they get their hands in your pockets, it will never stop."

I am searching my memory for who subsidized my house, car, and everything else.  I just can't come up with anybody. We must be going socialist.

UPDATE: The inmates of California voted this down. Another state didn't, but I forget which.

US airport finds gun stuffed in chicken by traveller

You underestimate the brilliance of this tactical maneuver 

• on the field of battle, the enemy will see a wave of soldiers with chickens and grossly underestimate the situation. Then BOOM!
• the stash doesn't have to be limited to guns - grenades, small bombs, and rifles are possible with the right chicken
• in the Middle East, the chicken could be replaced with a pig
• this could be the tactic that helps us achieve World Dominance (at $5500 per chicken, from Halliburton)

The Only Blog with Hyaluronic Acid!

 

Your love is like  unexploded ordnance 

What's the only thing dumber than a Philadelphia voter?

Two Philadelphia voters.

Today I identify as  Micellar water, which goes so well with hyaluronic acid

Quite a few of us are introverts. We quake in fear of having to go to parties and social events. We might be in the corner, reading a book or checking our 17 email addresses on our phone. We desperately want to avoid social interaction. Let us assume, just for a second, that this is a less than positive behavior. How do we appear to be good guests, without trying too hard or running for the door like a lion after an IRS agent? It just came to me... perhaps a few well-chosen phrases will start conversation, or at least make people think you're witty enough to invite to their party. Oh..., that would be self-defeating, wouldn't it?  How about a few key phrases to distract attention from your inclination to tell them all to do something physically impossible and morally uncertain? The first key to conversation is to say something (duh) that will prompt further conversation. People are generally stupid and narcissistic, so they'll take any opportunity to talk about themselves. Give them one phrase and you have something that some people will misconstrue as 'conversation.'  Let me think of a few....

• There sure is a lot of weather out there.
• Hey, how bout them [insert sports team]. Sometimes I just say "How bout those insert sports team." Many people won't even hear what you said and will take off about some sports team. The only downside is that people will take off about some sports team.
• How about that new Intel 12th generation architecture? If you can't join them, bore them. Ask about chips and you will eventually start a stampede for the bar. They won't bother you again. This is brilliant strategy.
• Good evening kill your pets.  People only hear the first few syllables of anything you say (or email)
• Where did you get that dress? This confuses the hell out of men.
• Keeping one eye open much wider than the other, ask hypothetically how they'd take out a public figure. For some reason, people avoid you when you look mentally questionable or completely unhinged. Warning: this could backfire and someone who read this list will make suggestions and YOU will have to retreat.
• Hey, how bout that new War and Peace sequel?
• I sure hope the Phillies tank. Traffic is bad enough as it stands. Plus the yahoos climbing greased poles and turning trucks over will just continue to ruin our already trashy reputation.

REMINDER: for all you using Signal for your encrypted messaging, you will need a regular old SMS messaging program shortly. Signal will only handle its own protocol. It's still the only way to go. If you have any suggestions for non-invasive SMS clients, please send it in comments (especially if it won't display emojis).

RIP comedian Gallagher, of smashing watermelons (76), in hospice with organ failure.  

 

RIP Dan McCafferty (76), instantly identifiable singer of Nazareth (Love Hurts, Hair of the Dog)

I must've been bored and just didn't know it.

I heard this cracking noise, which I desperately wanted to ignore. It was near the hinge of my laptop. I handled it very gently. It behaved. But that should have been the warning I needed; nothing behaves here - computer, dog, or people. Rather than annoy it, I left it alone and used my old laptop, which hasn't had any of these problems in its long years of use. I figured if I left the newer laptop alone for a weekend, it would enjoy the vacation and exorcise the nasty juju from it. That was stupid. By Monday the entire display had gone Almost Black (yes, it's a color). I don't have time to be stunned anymore, nor could I be, so I just shook my head and tried the monitor I had plugged in. Unfortunately I had to figure out how to move the icons, panels, 'start' button, and the armadillos to the right monitor. This is not easy, but I got it done in an hour. People who know what they're doing can do it in 5 minutes. Then I had to communicate with the laptop and give it the bad news about its display. This is never an easy thing to do and you never know how the rest of the computer will react. Finally I convinced it that it should send everything to the right monitor, as opposed to its display. Naturally during bootup, everything comes up on the laptop display, so I have to log in by feel and memory, neither of which I have much of. 

As if that weren't enough, I promptly forgot what I was going to type next. The doctors tell me this is perfectly normal, only they won't tell me what it's perfectly normal for.

And furthermore, as if THAT weren't enough, I now have an interminable delay when I type or click or sneeze, which is really embarrassing. So my main computer is now delayed by several seconds. While this is perfectly normal for a spouse, it's unworkable for a computer. So now it's time for troubleshooting. There is nothing hogging the processor, no network traffic, and plenty of memory. Well, that's about it for me. I made a linux live usb, which the computer will boot to and run a live version of linux, without the hard drive. This helps evaluate the operating system or diagnose it. You know what's coming next, right? The computer won't boot to the usb drive, whether it's a BIOS setting or some other reason. Naturally I can't GET to the BIOS setting because the display is broken. So I'd have to troubleshoot the troubleshooting, but I just don't have the intestinal fortitude for that. Or the coffee. 

The problem doesn't look like it can be resolved at home. My initial idea was to resolve the problem in the Bahamas, but I suspect I won't have better luck there. I guess it's back to the manufacturer for a new display (costing roughly as much as the Bahamas resolution). Once my head stops hurting and I can see again, I need to take the hard drives out, so they don't see my hamster pr0n. I'd rather keep that to myself (and my readers, who would never tell anyone, right?). JFC. We won't even begin to discuss my penchant for keeping original boxes, in case something breaks.  We won't discuss it because of Wife's penchant for throwing things out.

Born under a bad sign

I been down since I began to crawl

If it wasn't for bad luck

I wouldn't have no luck at all.

My mother is a very smart lady. She makes my favorite chocolate chip cookies in the world, along with an incredibly heavy chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing. When Wife asked for the cake recipe, Mom said it was on the back of the cocoa box. She kept saying that and forgetting to show how to make the chocolate chip cookies. Here is where the sheer genius in her plan comes out: she has dementia and couldn't give up a recipe if she wanted to. She will take it to her grave. Brilliant.

Best lyrics this week: And as I stand here at your door, my knees are all a-knock.

-Dan Baird 

Speaking of Tesla, and we usually are, a new item surfaced, having nothing to do with exploding batteries. Tesla is installing Zoom in its new cars.This way you can clearly see the last face you'll ever see when you're not looking at the road because you're not too bright and think Driver Assist means Auto Drive. Or because you have the attention span of a 2 year old. Either way, this is a brilliant idea on the part of Tesla, which will rid us of thousands more of their drivers. Just to make everything right with the universe, as the car crashes, the battery blows up.

Since we've had our daily Tesla shot, it's time for Zoom. Zoom is a marketing company full of liars, with a product designed for marketing and with security as an afterthought.

The other day I donned my armor and small thermonuclear device in order to deal with my arch nemesis - the washer. This was only my second time doing battle with the cursed beast, as Wife was away. I think she just likes to see me terrified. I got the small (4") binder with the instructions and went to face it, my courage having peaked a few hours previous, while putting on the armor. Have you ever tried to put on armor? Don't. It chafes in places you'd rather not have chafing. It's difficult to fight the enemy with chafing in your..... never mind, you get it.

It's not enough I had to do battle - it's worse when there are unforeseen obstacles. There was already a load in the washer. Thinking quickly, I decided the best course was putting it in the dryer (this is why I make the Big Bucks). Unfortunately I had a double unforeseen on my hands; the dryer was also full. Because there were 2 full loads, there was not a single wash basket to be found.  How does she do this? I emptied the dryer and, with no other place to put it, dropped the load on the floor (this is a test to see if she's reading the blog).  The washed load did not smell like seafood (or tires), so it went into the dryer.  When all was done, I had a pile of folded clean laundry, even though I "don't fold right." This situation was made moot when the dog completely tore everything apart and laid on it, because no clothing is complete without a generous coating of dog hair. I tell you this not for the congrats on my battle, but because in all this wash, my clothes are still missing. She had been doing wash for an entire week and she doesn't know either. I dare not ask what she was washing or has she seen my clothes anytime recently or WHY she hasn't seen my clothes... my body just can't stand the injuries.

So, my clothes are still in the No Clothes Zone<tm>. I have (or had) enough t-shirts to bring down the Russian army, but nobody knows where they are.  Perhaps in a different universe, some dude is wondering where buttloads of really cool t-shirts have appeared from. We asked award-winning NYU theoretical physicist Michio Kaku for a possible theory and if this is an example of string theory. He thought about it for a while, nodding and shaking his head, and replied, "How TF should *I* know?" That was theoretical physicist Michio Kaku. Abandoning alternate universe stringy theories, I wondered if it was theft. Nah, why only my t-shirts? They're cool but not that cool. Why not Wife's 'special' underwear? Or any of 4 billion dog toys? Money. Guitars. No, just t-shirts and some jeans. Have we been robbed by a second hand store? Nah- no women's clothes gone. I hired a forensic team to examine the area around the washer for evidence of dark wash, but they found nothing. It's the perfect Wash Disappearance.  In fact, nobody knows if this is even a crime. Just to be certain, next week we're bringing in Jethro from NCIS. He couldn't make it this week because his Team Weirdo quit and he needs to find a new one. Haven't you noticed all of those shows have the Team Weirdo, geek, odd person, woman with so much makeup there are cosmetics commercials targeted just to her?

Fortunately I still have socks.  Unfortunately this is because Wife bought me more, despite my observation that it was cheaper to wash them than pull a Jerry Lewis, who would never wear socks a second time. If I find no socks this week, I'll be forced to assume they've run away with the darks.  Another theory is that a woman who finds me attractive keeps stealing my clothes, in hopes of seeing me naked. There are 2 problems with this theory: 1. all she'd have to do is ask  2. there are no women who find me attractive, including and especially Mrs. lefty.

So the search continues, with night-vision goggles, ghost-hunting beepy boxes, torches, a crystal ball in the shape of a boobie, model glue (that I picked a bad week to stop sniffing), and 12 failed contestants from the Masked Furry. I don't stand a chance.

NASA will leave its $4.1 billion rocket outside as Nicole approaches Florida

How many times have I told you not to leave your rocket outside during a storm? Do you have any idea what those things cost? If you keep this up, your Uncle Joe will have to start taxing us every time we go to the bathroom. You never see the Air Force leaving planes out in a storm. The Army doesn't leave M-16s out. Only NASA. If you do this one more time, I'm going to take your rocket away and give it to the Welsh, whose silly accents will make any communications impossible.

Mortally Wounded by a Gownless Evening Strap

 

Your love is like  coffee growing hair on top

Big Meat Companies Want to Use Smartwatches to Track Workers’ Every Move

[put on your James Earl Jones voice]   Big. Meat.

Today I identify as  Carol Burnett

Speaking of Bombcast/Rexfinity, I had to go to the website to check something. Not only are they greedy, they have an entire department dedicated to making sure you get absolutely nothing helpful from the help app. There are corporate vacations where they play the results of user queries. They seem to have two responses: install the mobile app or install the mobile app. I've met sleeping anvils that were more helpful. I found out I was paying for a certain download speed and went to the provided link to check the speed. I'm fairly reasonable (once or twice a year) but 15% of what I'm paying for doesn't qualify as paying for that speed. If I were able to get a human on the phone, they would tell me they're very sorry and I am a valuable customer...

I have the 400mb download plan. Per your speed test, I get no greater than 75mb. I measured at all times of night and day, with similar results.

I see. Well, we are very sorry for the performance. Let me look at your account.

Thank you.

Ok, I see you have the 400mb download plan.

Where were you when I said that?

Ok, what you can do is upgrade to the 1,000mb plan, which gives you some tv channels, for only 4x what you're paying now.

I'll bet you can. However, I don't want or need tv. I don't even need 1,000mb. I'd just like something closer to the 400mb I'm currently paying for. 

You could get much better speeds with the 1,000mb plan.

Are you referring to advertised speeds or actual speeds? Assuming my math is correct, a 1,000mb plan will have an actual speed of 66mb.

Yes, and that is much better than your current 26mb download speed.

I have a bizarre idea: why don't you just provide what I'm paying for?

I'm sorry, Sir, but state and local ordinances prohibit it.

So you're not allowed to provide what you advertise?

That is correct.

Can you hear me shaking my head?

No, but you can always go to our only competition, whose actual speed is 10% of advertised speed.

It's called a duopoly.

Exactly.

How about troubleshooting?

What about it?

Let's try some.

That is most irregular.

Humor me.

Ok, you can get greater speed by moving the computer closer to the wireless base.

It's 2' from the base. Should I duct tape them together? How much of a speed increase do you think I'll see? Does the brand of duct tape matter?

Sir, you're never going to get full rated speed. It goes down the further you get from a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Then why do you advertise it?

Because we can.

Next troubleshooting tip, please.

You can also purchase the 1,500mb plan.

Which would arguably net me 100mb.

Yes. But you'd get Disney and The Masked Furry 24/7!

If you provided that, you'd have to lower the rate to compensate me.

We have a 2,000mb package....

• Boeing lost $766 million in Q3 on the project to build Air Force One aircraft.
• It increases Boeing's total losses on the two jets to $1.9 billion since the build began.  
• Boeing bears the cost of any delays under a deal struck with the Trump Administration.

We need more of this. Point to Trump.

My brand new, high powered work laptop is causing me grief. Yes, it has Windows, and that's a burden, but the current problem is the O-key. It's intermittent. Most of the time it refuses to perform its function of putting an 'O' on the screen.  O is a relatively popular letter, so I have to pay particular attention to the screen. If there's one thing I'm not really good at, it's paying attention. 

There are many words that become difficult, like word, your mother, osmosis, cock-a-doodle do, no-YOUR mother, laptop, nose hair, orgasm, and police found a bloody torso.

Here's where it gets bad: if I put in a service ticket, all they're going to tell me is that they can give me a new laptop. If this goes anywhere near as badly as getting this laptop, I might have to live with a broken O.

The Parkland shooting trial is in the penalty phase, with victims giving impact statements. You haven't seen anything like it - I guarantee. The victims stood up and eviscerated the defense team, wishing them harm, a quick death, and other things we don't want to discuss. This is not the defendant - these are his lawyers. They also took shots at the jury. Let's get past the hurt for a moment and recognize this behavior as ignorant. Everybody deserves a fair trial, even mass shooters. As for the jury, they ruled on the information they were given. Let's say it's a good thing the families didn't have weapons or there would be another mass shooting. Meanwhile, Judge Hottie listened to a defense lawyer say, "If they were your children, you would have noticed." Judge then had an absolute fit, accusing the lawyer of threatening her children, and sent him to the rear of the courtroom. Bad move, Judge. The lawyer said nothing wrong - you either weren't listening or took it wrong. Further, you lose your standing as Judge Hottie and will now be known as the judge formerly known as Judge Hottie.

Families: if you do something illegal and the police put you in jail, don't get mad at the police. 

We are sorry for your pain.

• There is a list of celebrities leaving Twitter because its new owner may allow speech that offends people. In short, they're against Free Speech.  Think about how ridiculous this is.

One of us wasn't paying attention, but more likely two of us. I'm excited about the guitar show this weekend. Wife mentioned the wedding I'm trying to avoid is this weekend. Oops. The other problem is that we still haven't gone shopping for clothes. I am not a fan of waiting til a few days before an event to shop for it, but no one asked me.

Considering I was buying something I would literally never wear again, we went to the 2nd hand store. Lo and behold, there were 2 black suits. Here's the funny part: I am apparently built like a gorilla. I have average dimensions, but my arms seem to run past my knees (they don't, but imagine the benefits of Really Long Arms). I never noticed this before, but every suit I tried on was too small, including XXL. I am definitely not XXL. Not even in 'that dream' am I XXL. When I am in high school and onstage in the auditorium, without a guitar, also without pants. I decided to further my useless knowledge and ask stupid questions like what's the difference between a blazer and a suit. My natural curiosity had the unfortunate side effect of annoying Wife. So in spite of my quest for knowledge, we left, suitless. Everybody I know goes to this place and succeeds. Except lefty the gorilla. I know that playing guitar and carrying amps does not stretch your arms, so the whole thing is a mystery. I found a really cool muted camo shirt. Wife agreed it was cool and I should buy it, but I wasn't allowed to leave the house wearing it on wedding day. Then I found a black shirt. My plan is black everything, which I hope will cause me to completely disappear. Hope springs eternal.

So off we went to a coat factory to purchase a new suit. Ugh. It hurts to spend money on something I'll never use again. It was an interesting start, as there was no sign of suits, period. There was sportswear, but I don't like sports. There was active wear, but I'm not active. We were going to ask a convenient, friendly employee where they hid the suits, but we couldn't find a convenient or friendly employee. I think the entire 57 member staff was on coffee break, in the back room, watching one of those idiotic shows with a panel of judges. I was minding my own business, not allowing the thought that there were no suits into my consciousness.  Finally Mrs. lefty SHUSHed me, closed her eyes, sniffed the air, and pointed to where the suits were hidden. This is a very valuable skill that has saved us hours of time and effort. I don't know how she does it. I can do it with guitar stores, but there's not much call for it. 

The suits were waaaaay in the back, behind the huge winter coats, 3 rows over from the large sign that said SUITS, so they were relatively easy to find. There were about 11 of them, which were easily hidden behind baby clothes. We picked out a random size and started there. Sure enough, my arms dragging on the floor made it way too small. The next one was too large. The one in the middle was close enough. It reminds me of some old children's story that I can't remember. Then it was Pants Time. I stupidly went for pants with the same number on my jeans. Oh no. No no no. No no no no no no no. When I asked why, I got Evil Wife, who was very unhappy with me for some reason that wasn't worth inquiring about. It turned out I was right - it was the same number as my jeans. But then there was the other number. I was starting to feel like a woman, with vanity sizing and plain old incomprehensible sizing. We saw a 32 Long. WTF is that? Is 32 Long 33? 34? Long is kind of indeterminate. I knew the dog was waiting at home for us, so it was all she could do to to keep me in the store and on topic. 

As I mentioned, I was actually partially prepared, having a pair of black socks at home. Somewhere. In the house, hopefully. Wife humored me and said that she believed I had the socks, but I should buy another pair, just in case. I figured I'd play along and visited the Sock Department, conveniently located under the Children's Toys sign.  There were 130 pairs of socks that seemed to be missing half of themselves. Wife assures me it's supposed to be this way - they're ankle socks. Really? And people wear them? There were exactly 2 pairs of black socks that reached significantly above the ankle. Mind you they only came in 4 and 12 packs. You know what I'm thinking, right? What am I going to do with 4 or 12 packs of black socks? I picked the Adidas because they looked comfortable and the logo was so far up the leg, no one would see them. I felt proud. I had made a command decision, like one of those Apollo 13 guys, returning from space. So you know what happened, right? I was told to put them back because they're too casual. HEY - they're black - how can anybody tell? So I am now the proud(?) owner of 6 pairs of black uncomfortable socks. But of course that wasn't enough.... there were ties. Did you know that you can't purchase a black tie? It can have Mickey Mouse, sprinkles, rainlike designs, or nuclear green stripes, but not plain black. I found one that was close, but it didn't have a tag and would have taken 4 days to price at the cashier. I do not believe this would be sufficient excuse for missing the wedding. Ok, I said I had black socks already. I lied... I also have a black belt. I believe it's probably with the black socks. So I located a belt, where numbers don't matter and letters are even further out there. WTF is an M size belt? It's the one smaller than the L size, you idiot.

It's just way more trouble than it's worth. We went home and immediately continued with our new hobby: drinking. Unfortunately only one of us can get smashed on the way to the wedding, as the other has to drive. I think the non-smashed one drives, right? You'll have to excuse me, I'm very new to this.

I also realized that my poor, long-suffering wife had assumed the place of my poor, long-suffering mother, in having to take me shopping for something I didn't want. I'm fscking impossible on a good day; I don't envy either of them. In a way it's partial retribution for making we wait 5 minutes into and out of every store while a cigarette is smoked. 

If there's any bright side to any of this, it's discovering that short shorts have come back. Yes, it means that people with large, wide backsides will be wearing them, but it also means people who should wear them are wearing them. I can't wait for tube tops! 

10% of the web traffic from Teslas is to Drudge Report. 

1. that's ironic
2. Quantcast is measuring where Tesla owners browse

Are we done yet?

I think the putative anti-gun democrat, Paul Pelosi, husband of Nancy, really should have had a gun when the hammer-wielding illegal alien burst into his house. We hope he's ok.

Divide and Conquer has everybody's attention diverted. They have done a tremendous job. 

Meanwhile, government will get bigger and we'll all pay more for the privilege. Hardly seems worth arguing republican vs democrat or vice versa.

Deep Thoughts by lefty

Coke tastes different in plastic bottles than from cans. Don't you think someone should do something about it?

Nails grow faster on your dominant hand.

A rapper called Takeoff was shot and killed by a 'stray bullet' at a Houston bowling alley this week. Getting killed at a bowling alley without even feuding is going to trash his street cred. Coincidentally, Robert Plant took out an AK-47 and sprayed the first few rows at his Detroit show.

Wife just had something called Apple Betty.

I'm sorry, but I can't eat anything with a name.

One of our main server boxes went monumentally slow the other day. Since weird things tend to happen only to me, I asked if anyone else had a problem.

ME: The Fritzenberger Box is really slow for me this morning. Anybody else?

Bob: Yeah.

Sam: A little bit, yes.

Chris: Man, it's way too early to check the Fritzenberger.

Boss: I'll check. Yeah, it's slow.

I was glad we were all in agreement. 

Nobody did anything, but we were all in agreement.

[an hour later]

ME: I can't get into the Fritzenberger box at all. Is it down for you too?

Bob: Yeah

Sam: Yup. No signs of life.

Chris: Well. I guess I better tell the Fritzenberger team...

Good thing I said something.... we wouldn't be able to work all day...... 

Oh.

Dear Mr. lefty:

Your package shipped!

We will have your tracking number within 24 hours.

Approximately 5 hours after you receive the package.

Thank you.

I recently mentioned the magazines in the pile trying to escape.

I fear the magazines are aware and might have read the post.

No, I do not need medicine.

It's just that they were trying to escape wholesale. Ever since I noticed it, they have taken to escaping a page at a time. I come into the office and notice a page sticking out of the pile. I put it back, and an hour later, a different page is there. While this would normally take years to deplete the pile, the magazines are smarter than that: whenever I step on a page, it pulls the entire magazine out a bit. So by the end of the day, a few magazines have successfully escaped. Or rather, tried to escape. You see, I like to consider myself brighter than a pile of magazines. So as they escape, I put them back on the top of the pile, so nothing actually goes anywhere. The net effect is moving up the pile and being mentioned in the blog. Since I don't mention the name or dates, they don't get individually recognized. Perhaps October 2021 wants to be on top of February 2021. This is the only way it could happen. 

What have we learned?

1. Magazines are trying to escape.
2. I spend way too much time thinking about this

Annnnnnnd Black Friday Month has begun.

I'm telling you, next year Black Friday will begin in February.

The president accused Trump and his backers of undermining democracy ahead of key elections.

Uh, Joe... presidents and Congress have done more damage here than Trump could ever do (I'm not saying Trump has or hasn't done anything).

According to our hardware, Marsquakes are a thing. After studying 1,000 of them, experts believe Mars is volcanically active.

That's nice.

• UC Berkeley is withholding comment and strikes until experts determine if the Martians are Jewish.
• President Biden blames Donald Trump for the Marsquakes
• BLM blames systemic racism and threatens more Marsquakes unless they get reparations
• VP Kamila Harris says studies are needed to determine if the quakes affect African American Martians disproportionally. If so, all aid will go to them first.

ATTENTION CORPORATE EMPLOYEES:  The Official Buzzword has changed from "The Cloud" to "AI". So whenever you're in a meeting, make sure to reference the AI projects, so you look like you're ahead of the game.  "The Cloud" is so October.