The Table Legs March for Left Handed Pride

Your love is like  Baghdad

The large-breasted weatherlady* actually referred to snow storms as parading through the area. Most days on the 7 day chart feature snow. It's like rain in the summer. This is absolutely getting personal.

The parade of snow removal continued yesterday. No matter how much I beg and plead, the dog is not interested in helping. She has to be dragged outside for her own business. A neighbor said the city is getting pushy about removing snow within 8 hours. Oh good - they need to speak to me - I'll ask how they plan to do it. These people can't keep the streets clean, yet they can afford employees to bother people about snow.

I haven't been able to automate the shovel. I know people who have snowblowers, but this means you try every snow event to start something that doesn't want to start. Like my desire to shovel.

The sign down the street that says   NO SNOW IN  xx DAYS  has to be changed every morning.

All this snow is unprecedented. I wonder if the citizens have run their vehicles through the grocery store yet. Screw them - I'm almost out of coffee. I'll call out the National Guard if necessary.

• The more western parts of the Turnpike are better if you're going to land your plane there. Remember that. Also make sure to land with traffic, not against it. You will be charged the highest fee if you don't have your ticket.

Yes, I'm almost out of coffee. I have the number to the National Guard. How do I get the National Guard to come out and help me get coffee? I'll tell them there's a Trump supporter rally at the supermarket.

Yesterday the president said that children should go back to school, if it can be done safely. Also, children should be able to play with dynamite, if it can be done safely. The new CDC head said children should return to school, but listed a bunch of qualifications. Well, it's not safe to return to school, is it? What genius came up with 'hybrid' learning?  It's not safe to go to school more than 2-3 days a week. Then I'm not going to school at all.

The entire school situation is higgledy piggledy. 

One of the complaints of the 'send them back' crowd is the social interaction the children are missing out on.  The National Bullies' Network is apoplectic because there is little to no opportunity to practice their craft virtually. Just think of what the children are missing; being bullied is a rite of passage and an essential part of schooling. Even mild teasing about clothing or makeup is an important part of socialization. Segregation by looks and income, by sports ability, and by everyone else that doesn't play sports. Razzing people with oral appliances. Pointing and laughing at the potheads, who have absolutely no idea you're doing it. Suddenly discovering the school has a marching band. Have you ever had marching band practice virtually? Who's going to pick on the fat kids? If they don't come to school, they may never know they're fat.

Today I identify as  11 penny nails

* Today on Nature's Bounty, we study the Large-Breasted Weather Lady.

The Large-Breasted Weather Lady can be found in any climate across the United States. She has migrated to most other places on the globe but originated in the US. She is not to be confused with the Large-Breasted Traffic Lady or the Large-Breasted Anchor Lady, even though they're largely interchangeable. There are believed to be approximately 150 Large-Breasted Weather Ladies in the US, but these are only the immediately visible ones. Behind every Large-Breasted Weather Lady, there are many looking to move into her slot, so one cannot come up with an accurate number. Note that there are also many average human males looking to move into her slot. 

Related but also not working is the Small-Breasted Weather Lady. You will know her because of her call, which complains about sexism in the news, as she gets implants to become the Large-Breasted Weather Lady. The call of the Large-Breasted Weather Lady is whatever's written on the card, plus the odd giggling noise, similar to beauty pageant winners. As for talent, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady comes with a remote clicker that makes weather charts switch to the next in the series. Eye color is usually brown, but can be altered via colored contact lenses, to any color found to make viewers pay greater attention in the monthly stats.

In its non-working hours the Large-Breasted Weather Lady spends some of her time trying to become the Large-Breasted Anchor Lady. If she is sufficiently attractive, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady will get offers to migrate to different climates, for more money and back-stroking from other Large-Breasted Weather Ladies, who would sooner stab her in the back than see her succeed. Yes, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady is a savage group, but this is cleverly hidden from people who watch the Large-Breasted Weather Lady. The Large-Breasted Weather Lady is also known to frequent high-class establishments and flirt with the General Programming Manager, a large, obnoxious, and powerful man. She likes to be seen where people are, loves to hear people say her name or imitate her call. As for mating, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady will start out mating with almost anything, but gets much more selective as ratings improve. By the end, she will build her nest with a Major Sporting Dick, and they will become a Prodigious Power Couple, until a few years later, when Major Sporting Dick gets caught with a new Large-Breasted Weather Lady, or even a Large-Breasted Anchor Lady. This will result in one of them migrating and the Large-Breasted Weather Lady to learn that brightly colored feathers do not always make for the best mate. She will proceed to pick another unsuitable mate, possibly from the Major Sporting Dick pool again. The Large-Breasted Weather Lady has a serious problem with mate-choosing. This is the reason there are not more of them: they don't always reproduce because they're preening in public.

Large-Breasted Weather Ladies are a boon for stations. Because of their plumage, they can say any old thing and the people who watch them will stay attached to their every move. They are a great favorite of the male watcher, while the female watcher complains about how stupid she is and points out her faults, all of which is ignored by the male watcher. Her forecast is considered very accurate, because watchers cannot always remember what the forecast was.

The Large-Breasted Weather Lady lives a relatively short life, and can be rehomed the moment a gray feather is spotted, even if she is a local favorite. If she learns to speak and read correctly, she may eventually be promoted to Large-Breasted Anchor Lady, but this rarely occurs.

Next week: the Small Penis Mayor

• we have a small-breasted anchor lady. She's good at her job but her top plumage changes back and forth between straight and poodle. The entire area was confused by this until she announced that the poodle was because she was proud of her heritage. Perhaps she identifies as poodle. They say poodles are very intelligent. 

PANIC 

There's not enough vaccine.

Variants may negate the vaccine.

Our illustrious transportation secretary, the highly competent Pete Buttgieg, is weighing whether to require Flying AIDS certification for continental flights. It is already required for international flights. Next up: certification tattooed on your forehead. C'mon, join the crowd. People already have all sorts of stupid tattoos - yours won't be too different.

WHO team and Chinese experts say 'extremely unlikely' virus leaked from lab.

Chinese experts say 'extremely unlikely' virus even started in China.

Today the Russians  hacked the Pentagon and sent warships for 'exercises' near China. What? It was the Pentagon after all? Oh, sorry.

• as I type this, my viewing choices are 2 different Sasquatch documentaries, a show on old men pole vaulting, and 1 on why there are multiple train lines in Paris. It's amazing that, when you expand your horizons to cable, then internet tv, there are just more and more stations with nothing to watch.

The 2nd impeachment trial is beginning.

The opening argument was "Nyah nyah nyah nyah, we're going to impeach you again and again until we're happy. As a bonus, we will also continue to avoid any productive work, a quality for which we've always been known. We know you called each and every one of the drunk Bubbas and personally to them to riot at the Capitol. We don't like you and we haven't liked you from the moment you announced your candidacy. And even though your wife is gorgeous, we won't say a single word about it, instead insisting on Michele Obama as the most lovely woman ever to enter the White House. We want Politics as Usual and now we've got it. Of course Joe's senile, but at least he's not orange. Nyah nyah."

The Sunday Times

Midwives have been told to say “chestfeeding” instead of “breastfeeding” and to replace the term “mother” with “mother or birthing parent” as part of moves to be more trans-friendly

We are all going to die of stupid before the pandemic gets us.  (@mdrache )

The SF school board tonight spent two hours talking about whether to allow a gay dad of mixed-race SFUSD kids to volunteer for one of several empty seats on a parent advisory group. Their problem was that he’s white and doesn’t bring diversity to the group 

San Francisco’s school board is basically a sketch from Saturday Night Live if Saturday Night Live was still funny.  (@mdrache )

Mainstream or Pr0n? Bob Hearts Abishola, Football Manager, David Soul - Gold, The Swordsman

Here's a word combination guaranteeing you should not bother reading further:

 Oldest DNA from poop...

• The Supremes are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
• Chaka Kahn is on her way
• idiots in Cincinnati

Robinhood app being sued by parents of 20 year old son, who committed suicide when he thought he lost $730,000.

1. the kid had $730,000 to lose?
2. obviously nobody ever taught the parents personal responsibility
3. our sympathies to the parents - this should not happen

• Sign language interpreters at press conferences: why aren't they wearing masks?
• especially when they're next to the podium and the speaker isn't wearing 1 either.

Just in case you've been following the male remote chastity device saga, there's a new chapter. The manufacturer hardened(!) the device, using penetration(!) tests, so it's no longer hackable (until next time). 

If you're not following along at home, there is a male chastity device that runs over the internet, so your partner can control it remotely. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the device got hacked. Several had to pay ransom to get their Main Members back, and one guy got out bolt cutters to Free Willy ("It fucking hurt," he said). This is the Internet of Things, folks. So now the guys can go back to having their Stuff locked up by only their partners.

If you're asking yourself why this goes on, I leave it to you to research.

Almost slightly related is an article that hacked sex robots could be told to kill users. I'm sure this is a thrill for some. It takes all kinds. One also wonders how something that essentially lays there and moans is capable of killing (real women aside).

• According to an Iranian cleric, the Flying AIDS vaccine makes you homosexual.
• We think he's out of his tiny little mind, but this could be much deeper than you know.... people are clamoring for the vaccine, as they're told to. After they get the shots, they turn gay. Gays don't reproduce. This is Bill Gates' agenda.

Tell people. Recommend this blog to your friends. If you don't like it, recommend it to your enemies and your mother-in-law (same thing). Recommend it to someone who needs a little offending. Someone who will get so upset, they'll try to get it thrown off the net. Recommend it to people you like. Recommend it to very religious people and ministers. Politicians. Teens. Mrs. lefty says the blog should be widely read already, and we had better listen to Mrs. lefty, if we know what is good for us. I can't even get my family to read it.

thanks to the readers - I truly appreciate you coming by.

Disaster Tundra - Please Help

 Your love is like  prunes

I'm considering shoveling, after the 2nd large snowstorm in a week. Considering how I felt after the 1st large snow movage, I never wanted to see another flake again, as long as I live, in person. Maybe on tv. So naturally it snowed again. This is getting personal. BUT WAIT!!!! Snow at the end of the week, with possible accumulation, PLUS snow on V-Day (our holiday). I liked snow for a few years when I was little. I like it no more. I am going to have to speak to someone about this - it's intolerable. 

Until I get someone with some mojo on the horn, I'm looking into flamethrowers. Anybody can get a generic flamethrower you wear over your shoulders, but over the shoulders is not for me; still too cold. I'd prefer a drone-thrower, so I could fly over the spots that needed it and flame away. I don't think they're available, or at least not for non-military buyers, so that's out. All my life I wanted a tank for the front lawn. It would be spiffy to have different attachments for it, like the normal boom maker, plus a flame thrower. At this point, happy as I'd be, we're back to the problem of having to be out in the cold, plus moving the tank to get all the snow spots. Since I haven't worked this out yet, I'm afraid it won't be suitable for the car. Something about frying off the finish or something. I haven't read the fine print on the insurance, but I'm guessing it specifically exempts "flame from flamethrowers or attached to tank." Those people are no fun.

So either way I look at it, I'm going to have to leave the house. Yeah, I don't have to wear a mask, but that doesn't make a lot of difference now. Given engineering time and delivery, I'm back to shoulder-worn flamethrower or waiting til the sun melts it. This is a hidden issue, because we don't see the sun a lot. Retailers who sell sun-powered anything have to put a sticker on them that says "Warning: Will Not Work in PA, use batteries." I passed a house with solar collectors on the roof and shook my head sadly. I guess those people moved from out of town....

If I had a flamethrower, I could do the elderly lady's drive, then lend it out to anybody who wanted it. I'd pay for fuel (what does a flamethrower use for fuel?). It's not as bad as mowing, but I still hate it.

Life Tip: I desperately want to move somewhere where snow isn't. Somewhere with no humidity, high temperatures and no humidity. Then I remember... if I move,  my problems will just have a nicer climate.

A question for the Theory of Attraction people: How did I attract this )$*#ing snow?

• No mater what won't work, my laptop keyboard always defaults to type-over instead of Insert. This may or may not be personal.

Today I identify as  a pr0n star with no tattos or implants

It's been a bit of a morning for Philly schools. The best and brightest got together and decided the kids should return. They'd put up Big Fans<tm> to blow the Flying AIDS out the windows. In the schools closed for asbestos, the Big Fans<tm> would also blow the asbestos out the windows. For some unknown reason, Philly teachers are refusing to go back to school.

I don't have kids (or like kids) but if I did, they sure as hell wouldn't be in a school building. The people who are responsible for giving us the Science have no idea, so why should I subject my kids to Science Vacuum?  This is not personal.

Homeschool your children. You can teach them critical thinking.

• Linus Torvalds, father of linux, labeled the Superbowl 'violent version of egg and spoon race.'  This is why I use linux.

Today the president  failed Flying AIDS Science by using the same people his predecessor did. People he condemned. When asked about this, the president said, "Table tennis," and walked away with his sippy cup.

Today the First Lady said to mask up, even when walking the dogs.

We R Sy-ins.

What about the dogs, Jill?

• I'm a failure. As an American, I haven't sued anybody (yet).
• I also haven't found anything to be offended by. And I'm offended by that.

The internet is a wonderful place. From the early newsgroups to the web, you're going to fund Interesting Stuff<tm>. I came across some of it yesterday. Remember when Shia LeBouf was in some foreign country, with nothing but a flag behind him, blathering on about something or other? The Internet actually found him. Never piss off the internet. Yesterday I went to YouTube to listen to a device to make you sound like Brian May, of Queen. I found it, and so much more There are actual get togethers, with video, of Brian May guitar playing fans, trying their best to nail his tone, with every little box and screw. This particular video had a bunch of these people trying out 6 of these boxes, ranging from commercial to homemade, looking for the one that sounded most like Brian. Every one of them had a version of Brian's guitar, the Red Special. The only divergence, and it surprises me to have caught it, is that Brian uses a wireless and these people used cords. 

This is a 2 part video.

I am not making fun of these people - just saying there are incredible dedicated groups of people, trying to figure things out. 

A larger, international group started a search for a Rwandan transistor radio, and 1 little part they had to measure, then traced out the circuit so everyone could build or buy one. You can no longer buy this part (don't ask how I know). 

There are a bunch of Queen tribute bands.

Even 1 fella in (Italy?) who has everything but the hair down. His videos have English subtitles.

The internet is a fascinating place.

Moving from Brian May to Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin), there are people who can tell you what boxes Jimmy used onstage on which date in 1969 (and every other date). While Jimmy is easier to imitate, he plays a Les Paul that is pure unobtainium under 6 figures, if you can find one.

I don't have a Brian May guitar, although they are made lefty. Sadly, there is nothing like them - I can't just take any guitar and make it sound like that. So I guess I'll go with a commercial box, if I do. I cannot explain the desire to sound like somebody. There are also computer programs to help you sound like people like Brian and Jimi Hendrix. Technology is a wonderful thing. It's also a very funny thing, if you think of the time and resources involved in making a high-powered computer sound like a bunch of old tube amps from 1968.

• a growing number of firms are using artificial intelligence to pass or fail job seekers
• it sounds like an outrage, but AI has to be better than non-technical people reviewing technical resumes.

The Russians  hacked the Superbowl, changing teams and making the halftime show even worse. As if that were possible.

But seriously - CNN Reporter Aghast at Drunk Crowds

CNN has become pure entertainment, from their making up the news, to being aghast at things. Even *I* know about the drunks post-Bowl. Philly drunks climb light poles and destroy vans. They even managed to climb greased poles. The reporter asked the police what they're going to do about this.

I wondered what CNN was going to do when Trump left office, because he was their bread and butter. I think we have our answer. Watch next week, as they show video of the game and ask why they're not social distancing and maskless. A reporter will knock at the NFL booth and demand an interview on this. He will also touch on the needless violence on the field. This is not personal.

I'm going to do something unprecedented and make up a football joke.

If the NFL feels it's losing revenue, they can always rent out advertising space on Peyton's forehead. 

• You knew it was coming (so to speak) - pussy scented face masks
• No.

Mainstream or Pr0n?  Newton, Genius, and Stud, No Man's Land, Buster Bros!!!, 

No wonder Dubai wanted to put together a commercial court for Mars...  their craft is going to be the first to arrive in Mars orbit, followed by the Chinese and NASA. Imagine the savings and good will from putting together 1 craft. Important people in government were very unhappy when JFK suggested working with the Russians. This is also not personal.

Actually, the 3 countries tried to get together on a craft, but things got ugly..

Dubai said it was not acceptable for the craft's elbows to be showing.

Dubai and US insisted on one of their guidance systems, because Chinese systems tended to move slowly, not know where they're going, and reverse where they're not supposed to.

US wanted to use English because they couldn't figure out Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al-Jishi or Ming Kim.

Dubai insisted on hiring only right handed workers because the left hand is unclean

Chinese workers kept pushing in front of the others.

So 3 craft it is.

• People too stupid to stream their misdeeds on Faceyspaces (yes, there are some), should plan them well, check the gun carry laws, and make sure their life insurance is paid up. As a YouTube prank, Timothy Wilks and a friend approached a group of people outside a family trampoline park in Nashville, holding large knives. A member of the group then pulled his gun and killed Wilks. 
• Wilks will be buried in the 'special' section of the cemetery. YouTube will not air the video because it has knives in it.

For some reason, Mercury in Retrograde is funny to some people. Some don't care. A friend told me Mercury was in retrograde. Ok. They said that communication and electronics were affected.

Her: I was just thinking about the show 911 - it's on tonight.

Me: I didn't think it was on Tuesday.

Her: What?

Me: The show 

Her: What show?

Me: What show were you just talking about?

Her: Ummm... I don't know.

Me: 911

Her: Oh yeah.

I don't have to believe in Mercury, wherever retrograde is, but every conversation this week has gone like this.

Apple has ended talks with Hyundai to build an Apple car.

Can you imagine?

• twice the price of equivalent cars
• all connectors proprietary
• if something breaks you have to drive it into the mall, to the Genius Bar
• no android connectivity. no anything else connectivity
• only Apple can replace the battery
• runs on smug, costs 2x the price of gasoline, only at Apple stores
• owners spend their entire lives online, looking for new covers
• windshield is a mirror, so you can look at yourself
• no accidents because all other cars will know to get out of your way

Lord Zuck (God, Faceyspaces) wants commuting to work replaced with virtual reality/artificial reality telecommuting.

Our correspondent, Bob, got hold of Zuck's new getup to give it a try:

Bob: I can't believe I still have to wait for Win 10 to boot up, even in VR. These glasses make my head hurt and I'm going to be late for virtual work if there are too many Win updates. Plus all this info takes time to upload itself to Faceyspaces.

Ok, it's done booting, I think. The virtual commute this morning is total shit, due to a virtual accident on the interstate. A virtual Volkswagen learned that physics prevented it from going under a virtual truck. Everything from the neck up was gone. The problem was people stopping on the road to take pictures. My boss isn't going to believe this... good thing I took a picture.

Somebody took the last cup of virtual coffee and didn't make another virtual pot. As I expected, there's no virtual sugar and someone stole my virtual creamer from the virtual fridge. 

First thing was the virtual meeting. I long for the old days of Teams or Webex meetings. This VR/AR stuff is frightening. One minute you're in your home office, the next, you're in the virtual meeting room, complete with all the virtual sights, sounds, and smells of days of yore. Somebody brought in virtual donuts but I haven't figured out how to virtually eat them. Good thing I have my virtual suit programmed in, because I'm in my pajamas - the ones with the holes in places that weren't there when I bought them. Or my scuba suit, but that's enough about me.

VR/AR allows you to see the faces of coworkers as they stab you in the back, so at least we have that. Someone really needs to polish the virtual meeting table - it's filthy, perhaps from the donuts. I'd get up to get some real coffee from home, but every time I try that, I walk right into the dining room table, which is right at genital level. It's twice as embarrassing because virtual me gets up and walks into the virtual meeting table in the middle of the meeting. This should teach everyone not to fiddle about while in Zuck World. This means you, Karen, constantly talking to your virtually learning rugrats. Joan - until you can program a perfectly still virtual you, you shouldn't be touching herself there - yes, we see it.

Crap - Win 10 needs to reboot. I know I told it not to bother me during work hours, but Win apparently knows best. I have to have virtual me hold up the Reboot sign, so they know I'm rebooting, instead of just leaving the meeting because I'm bored and meetings are a tool of the devil.

Back at my virtual desk, the guys are discussing the project. And when I say discussing the project, Jon (leave off the H) is telling us about his latest conquest, complete with video. It seems younger folks can't have sex unless there's a camera running. Let me tell you  - virtual liquid lunches are an awful lot less fun, as are virtual lap dances, may Zuck rot in hell.

But don't think there are absolutely zero advantages to VR/AR telecommuting. Whenever your spouse wants you to do something, you obviously can't, because you're wearing your headset and glasses. With the way you're banging into things, your spouse might not want you near the dusting equipment anyway. You certainly won't have to worry about sex, because the headset makes you look like Frankenstein using binoculars, riding Lord Zuck around the room. In fact, even virtual sex is out.

lefty: VR will be a positive boon for people like me. Nobody wants to look at me in the first place, so unless I can substitute a good looking man's head for mine, I can continue actually working in my own office. If this argument fails for you, just tell them your office is full of offensive stuff. I haven't had to turn my camera on since I got hired. Now that they know me, they're even more frightened.

The virtual ride home is also ridiculous, because there's traffic and you're falling asleep at the virtual wheel. You spend half your time yelling at the virtual idiots in their virtual cars, and almost got into a virtual fight with some lady with tattoos up and down her huge arms, on a virtual Harley. You make a mental note to purchase a virtual Glock.

So I'm thinking this is a total failure, or at least will take a little while to get used to - say 2051.

Dear lefty 

• Who's Marion Robert Morrison?
• John Wayne 
• I went to this party and this girl wanted to get wit me, you know?
• where did you not learn to speak English? 
• So, like, when I left, she was gettin wit somebody else.
• google translate doesn't understand what language you're speaking 
• Do I call her?
• exactly how much of a masochist are you? 
• Seriously.
• only for booty. use protection. 

[Guitar Content Only] Gear Scene Ramblings

New NAMM:

Just saw the video for the EarthQuaker Devices Astral Destiny.

Lotsa stuff for $199.

Not much of it I'd use. Lots of presets dealing with octaves. I like the 1 up because it's the shimmer setting in most pedals. 5 up and 1 down aren't sonic choices for me. Nice stuff for the more experimental people. For now, I'm sticking with my Oceans 11.

The new Supro Delta King series amps are a modern take on their 50s/60s amps. And when I say modern take, I mean with a FET and a Pigtronix FAT high gain mode. 'Modern takes' sure are weird.

PRS has another Strat model. They look great. Just found out they cost over $2k. Ummm....

A Nancy Wilson Epiphone? C'mon - at which point in her career did she play an Epi? Look at the rear pickup - I wonder if Duncan makes a replacement. They probably did when it was a Gibson.

Fender has yet another series, the American Ultra Luxe.

Naturally they do not come lefty, and they start at $2300. They have 'augmented D-shaped necks', whatever that is, but it almost has to be an improvement over their stock C-neck. Doesn't matter - no stores near me will have them. They feature a compound radius, but the size of the radius is a national secret. Some feature noiseless pickups. I'm a regular old Duncan guy, and every noiseless pickup I've heard sounds like garbage (except Barden Teles). I haven't heard new ones, so I can't say.

I think Fender has Radio Shack Disease, wherein RS had 21 different kinds of AM radio and clock radio. I could absolutely be mistaken, but too many different series causes confusion, not to mention you won't be able to try all of them out at a typical guitar store.

I did a brief tour down the rabbit hole of Dr. Brian May. I truly had no idea how deep this went, and feel that I didn't make it anywhere near the bottom. Here's what I learned...

• you simply must buy a Red Special (they even make them lefty)
• the Vox VBM-1is a copy of the Deacy transistor radio amp John Deacon made for Brian. He uses it to multitrack a lot of solos. Sounds like Brian but has no tubes (uh-oh)
• you could purchase the Digitech Brian May pedal, with about 9 sounds. Older and expensive. Not dependent on what guitar you use.
• don't forget your Vox AC-30s. Normal channel, cranked all the way up. Uses about 9 in his live rig. Tons of spares cuz they sometimes catch fire.
• no self-respecting Brian fan would show his face in public without a treble booster. Extra points for the right treble booster (Frye? $$). It is attached to the guitar strap, 1st in line, before the wireless, and bashes the front end of your amp for serious distortion. [TIP: treble boosters are incredibly simple and contain just a small handful of parts. You're welcome to pay over $100 for 1, but I wouldn't recommend it]
• His phaser is a Foxx, very old, and no longer made. There are probably other equivalents
• Amplitube has a Brian May software setup that sounds mighty fine. The interesting thing is that it isn't dependent on what guitar you use. Plug in a generic Strat and you'll still sound like Brian. There's a virtual pickup selector for authenticity
• For each of the above, there is a large group of people who have tested it out, plus anything that's supposed to sound like it. There area several shootouts on YouTube, as well as demos. Some of these people are serious.

As cool as this would be, I may limit myself to the Vox. Maybe a Red Special, if it comes up. The 1 I played weighed a ton and had a thick neck. Like my Strats.

I cannot state enough that the 1st item is the Red Special. It is so unique that you're simply not going to approximate it with any other guitar. Semi-hollow, pickups wired in SERIES plus phase control. Normal wiring is parallel. Can you use it on anything but Queen songs? Yes. Will it fit? I dunno - just passing on stuff I learned.

I'm trying to get video down (and me up) long enough to do some video demos of pedals I've come across lately.  Maybe someday.....

I've typed all this and have yet to say anything mildly derogatory or downright nasty. Am I losing my touch? Let me have a go...

• Philly sucks for buying guitars, live music, and taxes
• Fender needs to let go of the anal hold they have on that stupid C-neck
• Fender needs to make the Vintera series lefty. Great specs, reasonably priced
• Who would it physically hurt to have a few more lefties, incl nicer ones, at stores? I've been all over 2 states and can't find anything decent - just beginner stuff, if anything.
• Just saw my 1st Cure video. I wanted to give them a fair shot. And there it is - their music sucks even worse than their look would have you believe
• I don't want to judge a book by its cover, but I've been watching a lot of live stuff lately and in every case there are man buns or hip facial hair, the music sucks.

Ok, I feel much better now.

TV Judge, Judge lefty, Sentenced 12 to Death - Ratings Soar

Your love is like  one of those pedal exercisers that fat and old people use while sitting on the couch

As a result of the way too many inches of snow we got, the snow needed to be moved elsewhere.  I like to count on the sun to melt it, but that's like counting on myself not to eat that box of chocolate chip brownie cookies. It's ok - they're chewy and wonderful. I like to eat them for breakfast. Or any other meal, really. The problem is that they're sitting next to the chocolate chip cookies, which are also chewy and good for any meal. If I had OCD, I'd alternate them evenly, or in alphabetical order. Since I don't have OCD, I just shove them in my face. Unfortunately, this does absolutely nothing about moving snow around. It used to be called shoveling, but let's face it - all you do is move it around. It doesn't go away, it just moves, hopefully in the amount necessary to allow other things to move, like neighbors, the mailman, and most importantly, the UPS guy, who brings Mrs lefty daily gifts. Normally I'd be jealous, but all the gifts have "xxx Shopping Network" on the boxes. Then I just laugh at the whole situation... like the UPS guy could afford her. She knows what programs are on the shopping network at what time. She knows the presenters and models. She knows when her favorite seller is on. Guys, you know you're sunk when she says "that's a nice piece," instead of "that's a nice necklace."

We're immortal and unbreakable when we're little. We played contact sports on concrete. We took leaps over gym equipment and hit the floor with our heads, causing hundreds in floor damage. We moved snow away from our parents' cars and felt good about it. We kept tripping on the stairs and ramming our left knees into the concrete step. We didn't even think how that might hurt some day. As it turns out, we become somewhat less immortal and unbreakable as we (physically) grow up. We might even have proven to ourselves that we do break. We might have proven it to ourselves very painfully.

I can tell things have changed by the way I look out the window and say to myself, "No big deal - I can knock that out in 30 minutes." Apparently 'nearsighted' means you can only see things close to you, so when I got out to the snow, it looked like I could knock it out in an hour. Then when I started, I realized what I meant was this looks like it could take days. I'll bet you didn't know this, but snow gets larger the closer you are to it. So I'm standing in the aftermath of an alpine avalanche, trying to remember if the car's in there somewhere.

When we're young, we don't stop: we simply grab the shovel and keep going. We have bloody hands because Mom wasn't by the door to tell us to PUT ON YOUR GLOVES. We didn't care. Earlier in the day, Mrs lefty reminded my my new gloves were in the top drawer. Retaining some of my childhood, I went out without them. When I came back for them, they were not in the top drawer. They were also not in the middle drawer, or anywhere else in the entire house that had drawers. It's ok, I'm used to it. We have a motto: a place for everything, which changes daily.

Since I'm no longer little, the procedure changed a bit.

Shovel. Throw. Stand there. Ooph. Sigh. Repeat.

The standing and sighing parts got longer as I got further into the Impossible Dream. It took a day to get the sidewalk done. I thought about feeling accomplished, but the guys carrying the stretcher told me to just rest. "BUT I PUT PET-FRIENDLY SALT ON THE WALK," I told them. They told me I was a good boy and repeated their resting recommendation. 

The next day it was time to unearth (unsnow?) the car. I saw definite signs it was in the drive, covered by a small town's worth of snow. It was more bothersome because the snow obscured the dirt. A dirty car is reassuring. You know that if you clean the dirt off, it will rain, so why bother? On some cars, the dirt is the only thing holding it together, so there's that too.

Once again I looked out the window and said to myself this will take about 30 minutes. Once again I got closer to the snow and wanted to book a vacation. First I had to use Science to figure out which things to de-snow, so I didn't move the same snow 3 times. I'm used to cleaning snow off the car, but the frantic running around the car to move snow so the car can move is just demoralizing. Cleaning snow off the car is about all I'm ever up to anyway, but this was made easier by one of those Shopping Network boxes. It contained some sort of dingus that, when put together, would make snow removal from the car a breeze. Ok, it was a little easier, but that doesn't mean we have to subsidize the Shopping Network.

The real fun started when I had to remove the snow blocking the drive near the street. Because the plows like to MOVE the snow onto sidewalks and driveways, it was piled up over a foot. People talk about snowflakes never being alike, and their beauty, and I don't care what people talk about, 12" of snow is *$^@ing heavy. Especially when the temps fluctuate between snow and FREEZING. I was essentially moving a mixture of ice and snow, which was nothing like the large-breasted weathergirl meant when she said 'a mixture of ice and snow.'

Shovel. Throw. Stand there. Ooph. Sigh. Repeat.

I'm typing the above and thinking "Back on the Chain Gang," by the Pretenders. The sighing started extending to almost a crying, complete with cold weather sniffling.

Have I mentioned that I took off work today? I had gotten through some meetings and Mrs lefty took a look at me and said those lovely words, "You look like shit." A lot of people would be upset.. I love it. I need someone to tell me when I'm not feeling well and she does it well every time. So I left work early. Working at home, that means I walked out of my office and went back to bed.

When I got back up, I asked if I was feeling better. She said somewhat. I should have used that as an excuse to not shovel, but I'm not that fast on my feet.

So I'm shoveling, sighing, and cursing the lack of climate where I live. My hands are getting very cold. I'm questioning the sanity of living here and of pushing snow around. I'm also wondering why this is a priority, given that I'm almost sick and no one needs to drive anywhere for the foreseeable future. Oh, waitaminnit, I forgot... the pizza place doesn't deliver.

So I'm sweaty, sore, and have pain in parts of my body I didn't know I had. The guys with the stretcher were too busy to help, so I had to walk up my own steps. Every year we swear that Next Year, we're going to hire someone to mow and move snow. And every year, we fail.

And still, not even my wife can find my new gloves.

• I don't know if I should be proud or not, but I just asked the dog if she wanted to go outside and she ran away.

Gloves, incidentally, are a subset of socks. I don't actually lose socks to the Dryer Gods, I lose gloves. Not that it matters - since I was little, I haven't found a pair that keeps my hands warm. Every year, my very own Mrs. lefty pops up with a pair of gloves, whether I want them or not. I only use them for cleaning snow off cars. I can't remember, for the life of me, what I do with them when I'm done.. I know they make it into the house. From there, it's anybody's guess. For a while only 1 went missing. These days it's both. The last pair took a week. They don't go near the dryer or socks, they just go.

The US has made a business model of planned obsolescence. I wonder if we managed to do something with gloves... maybe they simply vanish after a certain number of uses. This keeps the glovemakers in business. It doesn't even matter how crappy they are. Some can even work with your phone. Cuz I know that's my main concern. I'm already ornery because I have to shovel - maybe I could stop and make some calls. Check my Faceyspaces. Send a few Snow Selfies to Instagram. Making heart hands in front of the snowed-in car.

---------------------------------

Just to put a Final F- You on things, it snowed again. Many inches. I am going to need to speak to somebody about this.  It is unacceptable. All that unnecessary snow moving has to be repeated.

Kids used to knock on your door, asking if you need your walk shoveled. I guess parents feel differently these days, because instead of making himself a pile of cash, little doughy Bobbie is drinking Red Bull, playing video games, and watching the pre-pre-post-pre game show.

• it turned out the Super Bowl was yesterday after all
• I need to stay on top of sports.
• No I don't.

PANIC 

The Flying AIDS is evolving to avoid immune responses. If we follow the science, some of us will eventually ask which science. If this particular science gets trotted out, it will be useful. What has it evolved to? Some strains laugh at the vaccines. Others pretend they're the first strain, but won't react to the shot. One strain pretends to react to the vaccine, but when nobody's looking, it comes back as a rash on the perineum. Another strain joined forces with Chlamydia, and is now called Super Flying AIDS (no matter what you do, you're fucked). The last strain drains the brain and gets you a job at the CDC or WHO.

According to the UK regulator, almost all the side effects of the vaccines are mild and expected. Almost.

According to the US regulator, all the side effects are expected, and if you disagree, you're a conspiracy theory anti-vaxxer, and they'll slit your tires and key your car.

Today the president  held a cabinet meeting. He interrupted it and went on a screaming tangent when he discovered there were still a few minorities not represented. He left the room, instructing his people that when the new minorities were hired, everyone had to be sat boy, girl, boy, girl. Then he corrected himself: boy, girl, non-binary, boy, girl, indeterminate...

• My senile mother called today to talk to Mrs. lefty about something because she knows Mrs. lefty forgets things....

Today the Russians  along with the Chinese, broke further into the federal payroll system. They caused no damage when they found out what we pay our employees. Everybody had a great laugh. Except the federal employees being paid to keep the Russians and Chinese out.

• The BBC has an article on 6 Bristol women, on the same side of the street, who became pregnant.
• Let's see... lockdown for a year... women get pregnant, baby boom (I'm a covid baby)
• It's like the BBC is psychic or something

Those poor Amazon employees are getting Bezos'd again... the factory people were getting Flying AIDS at an amazing rate. Now the drivers will be monitored with videocams and AI. Every new idea has to use AI. Even if it doesn't, they have to use AI in the description. At this point, the cameras will monitor driving, like going through stop signs or too fast. After the breakin period, drivers will be required to pin cameras to their uniform, like police, to see the happy faces of people getting packages. If they're not happy, the driver will be penalized. If they get bitten by a dog, that's a penalty. If they stay too long at a house.. penalty. If they dally while using the bathroom, double penalty. If they get invited into a house to 'deliver a package,' that's a triple penalty, plus Amazon retains the rights to the video.

• The military took over in Myanmar after claims of election fraud
• In America, all social media banned talk of election fraud, and the news labeled it false if they spoke of it
• I'm not saying there was fraud. I'm saying look at the results. We are a free country.

Mainstream or Pr0n?  Locked Down, Wildest Islands, Filling Up the Babysitter, The Little Things

White House spokesperson Jen Psaki was ordered to change the spelling of her last name, so it doesn't start with 2 consonants. America isn't ready for this, said the president. Afterwards, Jen Pasaki confirmed the White House's support for Artemis, the next Moon landing. When asked why we're going back, she said that this time, there would be a woman walking on the Moon. 

She went on to say that once a year, Congress agrees on something (that doesn't involve their income) and NASA got lucky this year, with trillions of dollars of taxpayer money, so a man and woman can go back to the Moon, then Mars. For the Mars trip, there will be a diverse, all female crew. Congress threatened to revolt (because they are pretty revolting) if they didn't include one man, so there will be a trans woman too. She used to be a man and Congress can suck it.

They will wear masks and socially distance so they don't spread the Flying AIDS on the Moon, or to the aliens.

Today I identify as   that white stuff that gets all over battery contacts when it leaks

• It's been a lot of years since we got the whole keyboard mouse thing together. And it seems like further development/improvement is sitting in the back of the closet somewhere, feeling lonely.
• There are a few mouse adaptations for people with wrist issues
• Ergonomic keyboards are years old
• There are 'gamer' keyboards, which light up in colors and cost a lot more because they say 'gamer' on them
• that's it? 

Work is fun lately. Work is always fun.

Every year at this time, and you probably get it too, is the Best Places to Work survey. We are 'encouraged' to fill it out anonymously, of course. If we forget, we continue to get messages to anonymously fill it out. Sometimes I think the survey is less anonymous than they say...  

And then there's Black History Month. I thought I got the better of Whatever History Month by blocking the person who sends them out. But they showed me - other addresses sent them out. As a result, I got 7 emails, casually letting me know what month it is. To put the cherry on top, these are important addresses, so I can't block them. I was specifically advised not to request a Left Handed History Month from the person announcing what month it is. I feel entitled to it, but I feel entitled to my job too. My last job had many history months. They might've given me a Left Handed History Month, but it was an insane asylum, which wasn't a tradeoff I wanted to make. They had Black History Month, but they couldn't count, and the month was 364 days long. They had specific rules that there were no political signs allowed to be hung up. Unless they were Obama signs. Strangely, the people who didn't vote for him didn't say anything. Meanwhile, the place looked like the DNC, so I took the opportunity to needle them whenever I could. It's not generally a good idea to needle your boss, but he was a great guy.

So now I have to figure out how to block whatever History Month it is. I guess I could block History or Month, but who knows what I'd miss. Last month I missed a day off, but that might be because my friends in the front office like to mess with me and tend to leave my name off certain emails...

• Happy Birthday to Vinnie Colaiuta, one of the most frightening drummers on the planet. Toured and recorded with Jeff Beck and a ton of others.

started as a protest against Instagram pulling adult pics, wound up occupying the jail

ThermionicEmissions 

• the story of one man's slow descent into madness
• unofficial humor source of the illuminati

Service Elephant Sees Snow

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Trump Time for Half Inch Ratchets

 Your love is like  a barn full of feral cats

Hey, the Amazon Ring now partners with more than 2,000 US police and fire departments. Isn't that fantastic? It's only fair to share your indoor cameras and Alexas with them too. Maybe some shower videos, to keep them awake and alert.

Today I identify as I don't know, but it sure as shit isn't a snow shovel

• things are getting a little unstable, with the US warning the UK they will have no more of this aerial vs antenna nonsense. They told Boris in no uncertain terms that they need to start learning to spell.

Today the president restricted local police from receiving military equipment. What do you mean they already have it? He now calls his wife and Kamala 'Joe,' cuz it's easier to remember. Nobody explained this to Putin, who doesn't like being called Joe, which made last week's call much longer than necessary.

Well, I've had the talk with the dog. 

I told her she can't define her life in terms of someone else - she has to be ok being by herself. Every time her mom walks out the door, she sits and stares at me. She won't stop until I get up and reunite them. Do you want 2 pitiful big brown eyes staring at you while you work?

• McDonalds is testing its McPlant burger.
• it's going to McTank

Today the Russians took a giant step forward in social equality, by allowing a month dedicated to Black Russians. The month is 365 days long.

SNOW UPDATE

While waiting for the new forecast of 8-15" of snow to arrive, the Seasonal Dispute is getting ready to start. I wait until the last flake has arrived before I shovel. Seems reasonable, right?  Mrs lefty can't bear this and runs outside with a broom to sweep some of it away, "to make it easier to shovel." Who among us has a bad back and other physical ailments? Mrs lefty. Who shovels? Me. Who has completely given up and watched her have her fun? Me.  You should see her when it rains... she's out there with the leaf blower, drying it off so it will be easier to dry when it stops. 

The news has gone 24 hours SNOW SNOW SNOW!

They interviewed a lady who 'just decided to go for a walk'. She's recovering well at the Happy Place.

School students got a half day off yesterday. Today they're completely off. These children learn virtually. They got a day and a half off from sitting in front of their computers because it snowed. I re-demand snow days when working virtually. My boss loves me.

In other news news, forecasters from all over the world have converged (virtually)  on this area because, for the first time in 235 years, the weather forecast was damn near accurate. 

Unfortunately, this correctness is not a happy event for the citizens, who are struggling to find their cars under the snow. Even the most stout workers are giving up and staying home. The news say 6.1". Anybody who has a window can verify there's more than 6.1" on the sidewalks and cars. In the Pocono Mountains, there's 20" and counting. It snows every day there normally, but this is out of bounds. The temps are going up to 43 in a few days. Maybe that will melt the snow from the car.

At 1:30am, I was ready to spring from the bed and commit grievous bodily harm to the idiot who was shoveling. Or just take the flamethrower to his shovel.

The guy from the city's plow department is on the news every 15 minutes, talking about how prepared they were, and how many trucks they have on the road. Meanwhile, this snow will not be plowed until May, and will not melt until July.

I just bought a car - why is there snow on it? I got the Big Policy. I was assured this would not be a problem.

• Israel has extended its Flying AIDS lockdown.
• hmmm... doesn't seem that the first lockdown worked....

Dubai is creating a Space Court.

This is gonna be fun. The fighting, as countries refuse to recognize sovereignty and the claims of other countries, will be endless. Hey people: now is the time... the time to get rich... just study Space Law and get yourself a prime gig. A single case could argue for years and years.

I'm going to guess there are no provisions in law for aliens. There's another multi-year argument. Then the aliens are going to claim they own the entire planet anyway. The US will argue the point, claiming they need to acquire Martian Superiority, as they have acquired Space Superiority with Space Force [cue patriotic theme]. The US will win, because they have pictures of the judge participating in the Donkey Show, down in Mexico. The Martians are not good sports and things will keep 'happening' to US equipment. This will be the beginning of hijinks between the US and Mars. The Cold War will restart, with the Martians as the enemy. Instead of the reds, it will be little green men.

Once that gets settled, the Martians are going to sell mineral rights to Elon Musk or (anybody but Bill Gates). It's not going to be pretty. I have already filed an amicus brief with the court, against allowing any copy of Windows on the planet. HEY BOB - PLEASE REBOOT THE SHIP - it keeps trying to sell me vinyl siding.

Eventually war will break out. The Martians will go to the Space Council and admit fault, for letting the Earthlings off the planet. Space Council will send very large fleets of very large ships to inform the Earthlings they're heading back to Earth and are not to leave the planet until they achieve some degree of civilization.  There will be another 25 years of lawsuits in Dubai, and the US will completely deny there were any humongous spaceships in the sky and around the planet.

• Tony Bennett revealed his Alzheimer's diagnosis.
• Dustin Diamond RIP (44) - doesn't feel good, goes to hospital, Stage IV cancer, gone in a week

The Turkey Baster Strikes Again 

A woman in the Netherlands was 34, single, and wanted a baby. The normal route was cost-prohibitive, so she turned to a service that allowed her to pick from a catalog. No, really. She picked one guy, chatted on the phone, referred to him as 'well behaved' [?] and decided he was The One. She met him at a train station, gave him 75 Euros, and covered his travel costs. When home, she inseminated herself with a turkey baster.

This is not the first time a turkey baster made the news for sending the competitive swimmers to the finish line.

This ship is about to sail, ladies and gentlemen (and readers). Our Nanny State will not tolerate a kitchen implement being used for medical purposes and will ban sales of it immediately. You will not be able to get a turkey baster anywhere, even on the black web. Those with turkey basters will be ordered to turn them in or register them. Never mind that people use turkey basters to baste turkeys - they can be used for insemination, therefore they cannot be sold without a license.

Turkey basting clinics will be forced to close. Women will be relegated to back-alley inseminations, by 'doctors' who don't even wash their hands. Women will die because of this. Thanksgiving will never be the same. It will be the main issue in the 2024 election. Vermin Supreme will stop pledging to give out ponies and start with turkey basters.

Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  Snowpiercer, The Bachelor, Puzhikkadakan, The Last White Man, Black Clover

• 94 year old Trudy Haines was Philly's first black reporter. She was a part of growing up, because she was good at what she did. She still has a cable access show, but it's on pause due to the Flying AIDS.

Oregon has gone libertarian! A new law decriminalizes all drugs and offers addicts rehab instead of prison.

Of course rehab is borderline useless (recidivism rate is through the ceiling), but people in Oregon now have control of what they put into their own bodies. You Own You.

SJW in Your Schools 

Seattle Public Schools will spend the week promoting Black Lives Matter lesson plans to students.

“treating everyone the same may be unintentionally oppressive.”

Any incarceration of Black people “is an act of state violence.”

 

lefty Gets His Trigger Tripped

I don't know why, but there's a story in the Star about the lady behind Sybil, with multiple personalities, who claimed she made it up. The book was out in 1973, so I can't figure out why it's news in 2021. As usual, the MPD/DID info is either a freak show or wildly incorrect. This really pisses me off and I located the author to politely rebut...

The claim that the lady said she made it up twice is patently false.

• there wasn't anywhere to look for info to make this up in 1973
• many multiples claim, at some point, maybe they made it all up. I call this "We're not multiple today."

MPD/DID is a very rare condition

• Nope. I hear this a lot, like some sort of Psychological Mantra. My support group for Significant Others of people with DID has over 400 members. Rare? It would have more, but it's not incredibly easy to find.
• there are 3 within a few blocks where I live. Rare?
• I get contacted by people with DID all the time, from all over the world. Rare?

about which little is known even today.

• while the exact chemical mechanism may or may not be known, extreme, repeated childhood trauma can cause DID in some children. So can other kinds of torture (see Manchurian Candidate - it's real - MKULTRA).

By this point she was addicted to prescription drugs, existing on a cocktail of anti-psychotics and amphetamines.

• Multiples do not require antipsychotics because they hear voices - this is a common mistake doctors make. In certain cases, they can be helpful. Amphetamines are uncommon.

Its themes touched a nerve with the American public, who at the time were obsessed in psychological trends such as recovered memories of trauma, which formed the basis of the "Satanic panic" hysteria that would come to grip the country over the following decade.

• Satanic panic? Where do you think some DID comes from? This is not a belief - it's a fact.

Nowadays experts view MPD as a coping mechanism common in people dealing with trauma.

• Well, duh. Experts, eh?

"However, people typically restore their usual perspective over time."

• What? No, Doc, DID does not go away if you ignore it. Most require therapy. For a long time. Maybe some hospitalization too, for suicidal or out of control episodes.

Am I a doctor? No.

Am I a therapist? No.

Does my dear wife have DID? Yup.

Have we been at this a long time - long enough to know?  Umm... yeah.

Put on Your Masks - It's Welding Time!

 Your love is like  people who confuse Beck with Jeff Beck

Fresh (ha!) off the Great Length Controversy, where the foot-long subs weren't quite 12" long, Subway is in trouble again. 2 people have filed suit, claiming the tuna isn't tuna. Do they think it's roast beef?

Subway admitted to the Length Controversy and said anybody who wanted could have 12". Nobody took them up on their offer. As for the tuna, a spokesfish said their tuna is made of flaked tuna, liquid preservative, mayonnaise-like substance, and tap water.  Sounds like you can't get better tuna anywhere else, including fancy restaurants downtown. I've had it and my fingers stunk for hours afterwards, so as far as I'm concerned, that's real tuna.

I used to go to Subway a lot when I was near one. The ones near me all closed up and moved after they were accused of having no bologna in their bologna. While standing in line, I noticed the young lady behind the counter had long, very dark arm hair. My companion suggested checking out her name tag. I'm sure this is a normal name wherever she came from, but it was Aman.

• only 20 minutes late for work today, due to Windows 
• I wonder if anybody has done a study on productivity lost due to Windows 

I found some Philly news online. As with most news today, they have a diverse crew: the flaming homosexual male and the black female with a dazzling smile, and teeth so abnormally bright she blinds half the viewers. For some reason, my eye was drawn to the latina doing weather. She was quite fetching and the camera caught a good view of parts that were not her face. It turns out weather is the most popular feature of the news, shown every 5 minutes for ratings. They picked the perfect way to do this, as no one can forecast weather correctly, and viewers can never remember what she forecasted anyway. She frequently messes up and gives the forecast from Chicago or L.A., but no one ever notices or complains. Her ratings are through the roof with males 13 to death and females from certain parts of the city.

Today I identify as  fuck

The nightmare that is Philadelphia has made the news once again. And once again, it's Battle of the Idiots. Whenever you see Philly in the news, it's not for liberty or generosity - it's because someone did something illegal and/or stupid. This time it's Flying AIDS vaccines. The guy running the mismangled vaccine site  took shots home for his homies. He defended himself in absolute Philly Fashion, by saying there were 4 vaccines left over and he was following guidelines to vaccinate everybody.

His sister works in a bank. Accused of stealing, she defended herself by saying that money is meant to be spent, so at the end of the day, there was a few thousand in her draw, so she took it home and spent it, per bank regulations. 

His father works on the Stock Exchange. Accused of pilfering stocks, he defended himself by saying that good stocks should be held onto, so he took the stocks home to hold onto them.

• the CDC (Currently Dearth of Concentration) has ordered a new mask mandate for planes, buses, and any public transportation
• also ordered were mask madates when driving, in the bathroom, and especially during sex

Mainstream of Pr0n?: Midnight University, Fear Thy Roommate, What Lies Below, Humshakals

I saw an ad for HSC. Oh no, I thought.. another shopping network I have to hide from Wife. I got lucky, however: it's the Horse Shopping Channel. I feel reasonably certain there is no need or want for a horse. Plus the auctioneer spoke so quickly, no one could understand him anyway. Just in case, I'll block the channel. Where would we put a horse anyway? I'm not sure Penny wants to share her yard with what she thinks is a very big dog. Plus you have to take care of horses... you have to buy hay, groom them, milk them, and ride them. And as usual, whatever I get that's larger than a car will prompt legislation. Because of me, you can't park a tank on your lawn, especially if the turret is pointed at your neighbor. I was one day away from a law prohibiting Slinkies up in the trees, but I took them down before the neighbor complained... probably that they were biting her or spying on her trees.

And speaking of Penny, gravity continues to bedevil her. She's been here over 2 years and when she brings a toy on the couch, it continues to fall off. She hasn't learned that you have to chew on it where it won't fall down. You can hear her sigh when it falls... sometimes she'll go after it, sometimes she'll just lay there. I'm beginning to think she wasn't the smartest pup in the litter. She was a rescue, so it's not like we had any choice. She's lucky she's such a sweetheart and pretty.

Today the president discovered Iraq may have a nuclear bomb within months, and is upset with Myanmar for the coup. It's a refreshing change from his predecessor, who was less into war. He also mandated masks for everybody in the country except himself, figuring he'd be safe that way.

• sometimes not watching mainstream tv is a blessing. Other times... well... you don't find out it's going to snow off and on for the next few days, resulting in 6-12" of snow. 
• I'm certain there's not a loaf of bread or carton of milk to be found in a 3 state radius
• 6-12" of snow generally means anything but 6-12" of snow. I'm going for history, where 6-12" means 4" or nothing at all
• I also don't know what kind of storm this is. Snow is snow, unless they give it a type, like Noreaster or Norwester, or Bob. 
• I do know I'm going to be responsible for shoveling. I wouldn't care normally, because there's little reason to leave the house. In fact, working from home is producing a worldwide movement: We Want Snow Days. Unless the snow enters the house, we get nothing.
• the dog, from Down South, has had it with this weather and wants a plane ticket for her birthday
• the weather is worst at the Jersey shore. So stay off the damn beach, ok?
• New Jersey and New York (but not New Hampshire) have declared states of emergency. Pennsylvania is a permanent state of disaster.

The democrats continue to piss me off. The texts keep coming for Rakeisha. This gives you a clue how clueless they are - I've had this phone number for longer than I can remember. Now they want Rakeisha's help with this thing or that thing. I try to be nice, even though they're invading my space. Today I hit upon the magic phrasing: I will help you the moment you want government slashed over 75% and to get rid of unconstitutional gun laws. It's amazing how quickly they no longer need my help. 

I'd prefer politicians didn't exempt themselves from spam laws.

I finally figured out how to stop all spam calls, but stopping texts is a different matter. In fact, no call from anyone not in my address book gets through. One small improvement made a difference in quality of life.

• Yet another reason not to use Google: it directed users to a Home Depot scam ad
• duckduckgo.com for your searches - it doesn't track

Know how you read the stories of male teachers having sex with female students and shake your head? It's not right AND it's illegal.

Then there's the stories of female teachers having sex with male students. This is also illegal, but we see it differently. In fact, everybody's high-fiving the kid and forming a line to also be molested.

What about the aliens? Everybody jokes about the old anal probe. What about when the female aliens have their way with male humans? It's not technically illegal (yet). Do the abductee's buddies share sly smiles? Would it be the same if he got picked up in a bar by an alien? Do aliens go to bars? Do they have a sex drive? Do they take one for the team and pick up the ugly human? Is there a wing-alien who helps her buddy score? Do humans get better looking later on, after a few too many? What gets aliens drunk - alcohol? Carpet cleaner? Pac Man? If they don't like you, do they erase your memory and dump you on the river bank?

The final, and most important question, is how you tell which ones are male and which ones are female. Cuz you don't want any surprises when you get home, amiright?  

Today the Russians announced their new envoys to the US

They emphasized there was absolutely no way they were trying to steal secrets.

• Fresh from Black History Month, it's LGBT+ History Month
• still no left handed history month

Police in Rochester, New York, pepper-sprayed a 9 year old girl.

Police are taking a lot of crap over this.

It's obvious they feared for their lives.

She could have had a pistol. 

Or a suicide vest.

Or the detonator for a nuclear device.

Don't jump to conclusions 

Check to see if your router has potentially been hijacked by criminals (F-Secure)

Do Not Use Spatula for Rocket Construction, Elon

Your love is like  scrambled eggs and horseradish mustard

Are you a developer of an app you want on the Google Play store? Don't list that your app includes support for the .ASS subtitle format or you'll get rejected faster than you can say, "I disagree with social media's version of the election."

• Vladimir Putin (R-DC) said his first call with President Biden was "business-like and frank." In fact, he kept insisting on calling Biden 'Frank,' and asking for Melania, which slowed things down a bit.

The UK is sending the Columbus Ka-band Terminal to the ISS, to provide faster communications.

10 minutes after it's installed, the Russians will hack it and send racist messages to all the other satellites in orbit.

• I could have been a doctor - I have the handwriting for it. I just can't stand the sight of blood.
• Maybe an aircraft crash investigator - I've seen 20 seasons of Aircraft Crash Investigation. I just can't stand pieces of bodies.
• Perhaps an accountant. I just can't stand the sight of numbers.

Today I identify as  a butt pimple. On Sandra Bullock.  [reach for the stars]

Chaos is good for you, says first 'state of chaos engineering' report

It sure has worked well here for years and years. In fact, I can't remember a time before chaos.

Chaos engineering is the practice of deliberately injecting faults into a service to test its resilience. AWS is introducing its own version of this, called Fault Injection Service...

Everybody in the house is a trained Fault Injection Service.

In fact, this probably explains the soup packet in the bathroom.

Today the president suggested quadruple-masking for greater protection against the Flying AIDS. He restated his vow to make the USPS fleet electric. When asked for comment, the USPS said, "He mailed us notice but we haven't received it yet."

• 66,000 users' data was left wide open by VIPGames
• nobody wants the data because they're all in their parents' basements, glued to their Gamer Handsets.

Samsung’s vice chairman and de facto boss Lee Jae-Yong has reportedly sent staff motivational messages from inside prison.…

• Work hard and you can get here too
• We have a culture of improvement: do what I did but don't get caught 
• I've set high bars for your success
• you will address your supervisors as Warden

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Assault Lily BOUQUET, Backstabbing for Beginners 

Marc Ginsberg, who oversees Coalition for a Safer Web (CIA), is suing Google for not kicking Telegram off the store. After all, it's a haven for extremists.

Do you see where this is going? If they can't get back doors to your encrypted apps, make the apps hard to find. Oh yeah, who defines extremist? 

• Honey, can you come here?
• As soon as I get done checking the tissue for what came out of my nose

Today the Russians put a ton of pr0n on my hard drive. Honey.

The My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, has been suspended from Twitter for not marching with the party and saying the election was stolen. Lindell wants to run for public office. Thank God we'll still have the My Pillow commercials, with his mind-screwing Minnesota accent.  --- I'm not sure I'd be so comfy if I opened my bathroom cabinet to see Mike standing there. By the time the police left, he'd be banned from YouTube and Faceyspaces too, in addition to an operation to remove my toilet from his face.

Hi, I'm that My Pillow guy!

WTF are you doing in my bathroom?

I wanted to tell you about My Pillow.

Tell you what - you keep Your Pillow and I'll keep my pillow.

It's made in America.

Which means nothing if you can't sleep on it.

There's a 2 for 1 sale

Making them just ridiculously overpriced

It's got Head Memory!

I wish my wife did.

Has anybody told you about Jesus?

No 3-ways, sorry.

Can I sell you some sheets - they're 127% cotton.

Mine have to be 128%.

How about a tour of my plant?

How about you GTF out of my bathroom. Do you like looking at naked men? I'm no bible scholar, but I know Jesus didn't like that.

What can I sell you?

Come by for dinner a few nights, until I learn that ridiculous accent. Our treat.

Are you feelin good? I knew you would.

I'll feel a lot better when I know there's no one hiding in my medicine cabinet. Do you have any idea how many years of my wife's therapy you've undone? The dog needs tranquilizers. Although I might have you back the next time we have company... the shrieking will be worth it.

It has come to my attention that I have a problem. No, the other one.

I've noticed I can run a large network or go out into space, but filling out forms is beyond me... they always come back wrong. There is an old Far Side cartoon...

Technically it doesn't have anything to do with IQ. It's ADHD or ADD or VD or something. Women have Blonde Moments. Old people have Senior Moments. I have Adderall Moments<tm>.

My paranoid schizophrenic neighbor is moving. We'll definitely miss him.

I'll have no one to stand outside with me and yell when the black helicopters hover over our houses.

No one to bitch that the motorcycles are running down the street on purpose.

No one to tell me the police captain is a nazi and has it in for him.

No one to ask if that dent was there yesterday.

(It wasn't. You're not paranoid if they are out to get you.)

No one for Mrs lefty to share the voices with.

He's a really good guy who served his country. I hope they're taking care of him.

Sure is gonna be boring around here.

We're discussing what disorder the new neighbor should have...

• Depression is downright boring.
• Bipolar is downright boring and downright exhausting.
• If they're multiple, they'll have someone to play with...

I'm here for you, warts and all....

I saw some flakes on my shirt, just like that stupid commercial.

Asked Wife, who told me it wasn't head dandruff, it was Beard Dandruff.

Beard Dandruff?

Beard Dandruff.

There is such a thing?

Yes there is.

Don't tell me there's a special shampoo.

No, you have to moisturize it.

I have to moisturize my beard?

Yup. And it gets better: you have to moisturize several times a day.

This is all too much. I'm lucky if I eat several times a day. I've spent my entire life being a wash and wear guy.  Do I look like I have breasts? Do I look like the kind of guy who has the time and the patience to moisturize my beard skin? Maybe I can pluck my eyebrows and check out different kinds of makeup too. The thing is, I don't have a beard. I shave and it grows quickly. Is this a disease I picked up? I never had this before.  And unless I do something about it, it will look like it's snowing on my shirt. Decisions decisions...

I'm starting to appreciate that Wife spends so much time in the bathroom, moisturizing and stuff.

The (alleged) problem with not watching mass media is that I miss stuff. Twitter has been having a blast, suggesting wearing 4 to 12 masks. Only this morning, on the news, do I see an interview with a local surgeon, saying that people should wear 2 masks. I have to remember that social media is half arguing and half parody. I suggest 10 masks. You'll be 100% protected against the Flying AIDS, largely because you can't breathe.

Have we gone way past silly by this point?

I've got it - I'll just check ThermionicEmissions