Black Friday! Starting in February!

Black Friday is a recent pestilence. But no, that wasn't enough... there was Cyber Monday, which also wasn't enough. Now there's Black Friday Week and pre-Black Friday. It's a retailer's dream. I've been getting all sorts of emails about Black Friday sales. Since I don't pay attention to the calendar or sales, it caught me by surprise (and by disgust). One retailer is claiming 15% off on guitars, but the 15% is coming from the manufacturer, nor the retailer. Another is offering all sorts of sales, none of which is an actual deal. But this doesn't stop either from sending me emails. My outgoing spam filters won't even let me go to these pages, as they're heavily tracked by mailchimp and rs06.com.

PRS, a famous, high quality guitar maker, is offering 15% off their guitars. They're very well-made, even their offshore offerings, so I'm watching. I need to touch the guitar before I buy it, to see how it feels. Naturally there is not a store within miles and miles that has one. PRS is being really nice to lefties lately and I thought I'd take advantage. Oops, another hospital trip for the dog, costing a reliable used car. Then a $120 followup visit. At least all the employees OOH and AH whenever they see her, It's almost worth it.

The Bathroom 

The other day I went into the bathroom, to find a large plant growing in the sink. Most of what I find over the years has failed to impress me, including the Camaro in the dining room, the chainsaw in the living room, and even the plant in the bathroom sink. It is certainly well-watered, although I wonder if the soap has any effect.

The next day the plant was gone, but another one had appeared, next to the toilet. I thought plants needed to be outside, or at least near the sun. But this plant seemed ok next to the toilet. I gave up asking questions years ago, but had something of an issue with the leaves growing onto the toilet seat. There's something unsettling about plant leaves under your buttocks, agreed?

I'm holding off for something more bathroom-appropriate, like a car battery or construction equipment.

Forced Vacation 

We're at that time of year when I have to burn off vacation days or I lose them. I don't learn quickly (or well). Ok, I learned a little bit, having taken off most of November and December last year. This year I've arranged 3 day work weeks. I'm going to feel really bad in January when I have to go back to 5 day weeks. I don't feel too bad, as a coworker is taking December off.

The Railing 

My wife has gone to war with the railing. Like the scanner calls about pedestrian vs car, the railing is 2-0 so far. How does one break a railing? I have no idea. I'm beginning to suspect she felt clumsy on the flat surface and gave the railing a workout. Iron is no match for Wife. As a result, she's been in bed a lot, not in a good way. As another result, I'm on my own a lot. This requires doing battle with the washer, dryer, and oven. I've built computers and taken apart laptops, but nothing has prepared me for the washer. It has more lights than my obnoxious neighbor's Christmas light display, and more information on its screen than all of the letters on my laptop. I have to put in my shoe size and birthdate before it will start moving. I have to do this all myself, which makes it worse. Meh... who cares if my jeans are pink... no one will mistake me for a woman.

I am not happy leaving the house, being an Amateur Agoraphobic. Going shopping is somewhat less annoying than mowing the lawn, but still not on my Top 100 list of fun things to do. If I'm supposed to pick up the 8oz sour cream, the store will only have 16oz. Since I only like sour cream in dip, this presents a problem. Coffee creamer will be available in 26 varieties, except the one I use all day. This is because the store has an employee whose sole job it is to follow me around to see what I buy, then stop ordering it. One time they stopped carrying Coke.

Know what's not scary? Driving on an interstate when an eye decides to start burning for no apparent reason. Know what's scary? Driving on an interstate when both eyes decide to start burning for no apparent reason. It also provokes quite a reaction in passengers.

 PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) has been out of the news for quite a while, so they needed to do something so over the top, so insipidly stupid, so idiotic, that people would remember they exist. Either that or they wanted everyone to smile for the holidays:

Animal rights pub name row 'undermines real issues'

They're up in arms because of the pub named The Sly Old Fox, saying the name is derogatory. I'd be up for complaining if PETA and 'smart' were used in the same sentence.

Oxymoron: Marital Harmony

8:00am

Having planned on visiting The Mart, I was awakened at the obscene hour of 8am on a Sunday, by a woman who got no sleep. This woman was, fortunately, my wife. She has a strict No Dating policy, so it would be difficult to explain the presence of another woman. Or man, I guess. Or dog, as she follows Mommy all over the place, like a cat. Two steps ahead, stop, turn around to make sure she's still there, two more steps, continuing until ultimate destination. She's awful large for a cat.

8:15am

I'm just about ready to leave. At least one of us is.

8:30am

Do you think this dress would be good to wear today?

8:45am

How about these shoes?

I dunno, how about them?

9:00am

Where's my pocketbook? Is my wallet with it?

ONE HOUR.

Whatta you mean one hour?

That's how long it took you to get ready.

It takes me time.

You didn't sleep all night - don't you think you could have been ready at 8, when you woke me up?

We were off. Or so I thought. After I started the car, I noticed a complete lack of wifely person in the passenger seat. 'What,' I thought to myself.... I looked out the window and she was watering plants. And the grass. If you water the crap, they GROW - especially the grass! And you know how I feel about grass. You probably also know we were an hour late to begin with, yet she was watering flowers. Good thing I didn't say anything, lest I get watered. Good thing the window was down.

We were not done, no sir. As we approached the end of the street, there were huge stop signs; the street was closed. WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME MY STREET WAS CLOSED? It's a good thing to know, right? So I did the only thing I could; I screamed so loudly, she said I popped a few of her eardrums (don't ask). I was all set to reverse into our driveway, but she convinced me otherwise (threatening mowing).

The Mart

The Mart has a flea market outside and a Mart inside. We did the fleas first, as they closed early. In fact, some of them were closing as we arrived. Now the OCD rears its ugly head. We have to go down one side and back up the other, so we don't miss anything. And just because we did.

About this time I'm again realizing I should have stayed in bed.

I shook my head because the quality, and I use the term loosely, of the merchandise was.... sub-par. This did not stop Wife from purchasing. And purchasing. By the time we were done, we had to make a stop at the car to stow her riches. 

I was not amused.

At least the merchandise inside was... a lighter shade of sub-par.  I needed a soda. This was not helped by Wife, who still needed to stop in every store and see every piece of merchandise. The only was this could have been worse was if I had to go to the restroom. I got a strawberry slushie, which turned out to be.... way above par. Two stores up there was a video store. I sat outside, as they never have anything I like. I found out later that they had one more concert video, making their total four.

This was not the case with bloody shocking horror movies. So Wife stayed in the shop and I stayed on a bench, with my phone, reading the portable edition of War and Peace. When I was done, I was still alone on the bench. I could have violated the No Dating policy and gone straight to sex, without being noticed. I probably could have raised kids. I suspect she was in the store, doing inventory of every... single... dvd. When she returned, I had grown a rather significant beard and she almost didn't recognize me,

Next was the candy store. It was a ton of plastic bins with candy, and you purchased by weight. It looked like 27 very happy people had arrived. It was better than last time, when Wife leaked strawberry slushie down every aisle. I could always figure out where she was by the red liquid. She had to see every bin, even if she didn't like the candy. As big a fan of sugar I am, I didn't find much, except for some Hot Balls (don't even) that can wreck your mouth. Most of The Mart stopped taking cards, preferring cash or Venmo, due to the extra card fees... interesting. Sad, without Venmo.

So we started the last leg of The Mart, desperate for coffee (and a really good back massage or oral sex). Wife gave up, due to her bad back, and told me she'd be out at Exit 3, waiting for me to get my coffee and get her with the car. When I asked the coffee lady if they had any dark roast. she had to call her supervisor in. Supervisor said, "A little." Gee, thanks, maybe I'll get some watered down light roast instead. I'm sure there's some salted caramel. Wife tasted it later and said it tasted watered down. We're spoiled by Peet's.

Every store. Every item. When I stood there, unimpressed, she kept asking me what was wrong. I kept telling her it was a good thing murder was still illegal.

I sat outside exit 3, waiting. And waiting. Bless technology, I could call her, and I did. 

"I'm waiting for you."

Well, dear, I'm at exit 3, waiting for you.

"I'm at exit 19. I told you."

We have some sort of invisible character called I Told You. I know this because Wife is always Telling Me something or other that I 'forgot' or 'didn't listen to her about."

Strangely, if you talk to I Told You, you're never wrong in an argument.

Oh.

Did we get anything good?

Nah. But we got a lot of it.

Actually she got a bag that said Emotional Baggage on one side and on the other, Assholes Never Die.

That might have been worth the drive, but not the wait.

Tim Burton: The internet makes me quite depressed

Have you seen this guy's movies? Imagine something more depressing...  

 Inside the U.S. Government-Bought Tool That Can Track Phones at Abortion Clinics

This is sick, even if you don't like abortion,

 Throne’s toilet camera takes pictures of your poop

This is not a joke.

The Future of Earth Hinges on Sea Snot

The Future of Earth Hinges on Sea Snot  (I don't even have to make this stuff up)

Dammit, I thought it was something to do with Taylor Swift - everything else is.

Oklahoma Opens Bids For Bibles In Every School With Curiously Specific Requirements

Oklahoma: where men are men, women walk behind men, and the state Superintendent fscks sheep. What we need here is an appearance by Friends of the First Amendment, aka the Satanists. The moment they show up, the insistence on a specific brand of religion will be entirely gone.

 In other news: the kids still can't read.

Breakdancers at risk for “headspin hole,” doctors warn

Also at risk for people laughing at them.

But wait, breakdancing is featured in the summer olympics, proving the olympics have jumped the shark. The next event will be mirrored sunglasses and amount of ass-crack showing before pants fall down.

25% of Adults Suspect Undiagnosed ADHD

I think they might have a point... Is that dirt or a bug?

ESA astronaut on the difference between flying in a Soyuz and piloting a Crew Dragon

• Dragon has seats 
• Dragon has parachutes
• Soyuz keeps astronauts busy, voting for which part will break first
• Dragon has bathroom - Soyuz has paper bags
• Soyuz can probably get home
• Dragon has room for breakdancing

 

Human sense of smell is faster than previously thought, new study suggests

Especially when it involves dirty diapers

 

WATCH OUT

Smart TVs are like “a digital Trojan Horse” in people’s homes

Paypal Opted You Into Sharing Data Without Your Knowledge

How to stop LinkedIn from training AI on your data

License Plate Readers Are Creating a US-Wide Database of More Than Just Cars

Well Sure - Mowing

This blog experienced a blip, with my extended absence.

Since this blog is here to document the decline of its writer, one might think I've finally gone off the deep end. No, you are not so lucky. I'm damn near as sharp as when I left.

I also notice that the blog numbers, although ludicrously small, are still greater than when I was writing before. That alone should tell me something.....

In addition to my great hatred of  mowing, I've discovered a strong dislike for other mowers. Not exactly the mowers themselves, but the fsking noise of the blasted devices. I'm sitting here, doing my first blog entry in months (?) and the noise is spectacularly annoying, like a Yoko concert.

Hoping my mind still has enough gunpowder to produce something entertaining, here we go....

Those of you long-term readers know what's up... I was abducted by aliens. I had to insist on the anal probing.

Across the street is the Construction Project That Will Never End. I think they started it during the Carter administration, and the noise continues. The block is set up so all the noise comes directly into my office. Jealous, my next door neighbor decided to have some construction done, which obviously comes right into my office. I almost long for the days when I had to go to work, then pray for a hurricane.

Our hearts go out to Florida, where as of last night, 1.6 million were without power. In North Carolina, many were without towns - they got washed away last week.

Some tadpoles don’t poop for weeks. That keeps their pools clean

     If only people did this in my pool....

Highline Public Schools confirms ransomware behind shutdown

     Administrators say it couldn't have been the students - they can't read.

YOUR ELECTRIC RAZOR SUCKS...

she said to me.

Ummmm.... how would you know this, I said to her.

I had to use it.

You didn't HAVE to use it.

Yes I did.. I have some scabs and needed to shave around them.

This is the entire reason your father hates you, right?

Umm... yeah. We all used to borrow his razor.

I wonder if this explains the bent dinner knives....

I have to start learning basic video editing (in linux). I'm doing the research, but does anybody have any recommendations? Many of the programs are cross-platform.

 The British are pissed. Fscking pissed. How do we know?

Sue Gray, the Prime Minister's chief of staff. has caused the populace to become flipping mad.

Do you have any idea how mad flipping mad is? The term is used for serial killers and tax increases.

How to stop LinkedIn from training AI on your data

In the past weeks, it has been revealed that more companies are stealing your data and forgot to let you know. LinkedIn (Faceyspaces for adults) is the latest.

 

I'll Drop the Poop off Tomorrow

...said my wife to the vet 

I went shopping yesterday. We went to the French place called Tarjay.

They took a page from CostCo and moved everything around, so people who have been shopping there for years can't find anything. I wonder who in the organization thought this was a good idea.

Also in the questionable department was certain rows that didn't survive the tornado that blew through them. It was either a tornado or they hired large amounts of people to randomly throw clothes at the ground. Some of them missed.

I was looking for some tanks, of the wearable variety. Naturally there were none by the model that was wearing one. Through serious detective work, Wife found them. Hundreds of feet away from the section where they belonged. Good going, Tarjay.

The real fun started when we tried to pay for them. We're a pretty honest group; we like to pay for things. This was made difficult by only two cashiers out of 147 lanes. I guess Manglement didn't think there would be any customers on the weekend. Even the self-checkout lanes were mobbed. We were carefully considering leaving the cart there.

The most laughable moment came in the checkout lane, where a masked customer asked me to give her more space.  Why should I have to pay for her neuroses? The mask is way past done, and doesn't work anyway. Maybe she's a Fauci. The cashier was in tears as we talked about El Masko.

This is the sort of thing that happens whenever I leave the house and is why I don't get out much.

You can now buy a flame-throwing robot dog for under $10,000

  It's like a dream come true. I love dogs and I love flamethrowers! 

Lead From Gasoline Blunted the IQ of About Half the U.S. Population, Study Says

  Well... that explains a lot....

Doggie Emesis

It's not like I knew it was going to be a bad day...

• the dog sat down, looked at me, and vomited
• It was Mom's birthday

Mom's birthday is a somewhat difficult issue, what with her not being around to wish happy birthday. In fact, this is the first birthday since she left, leaving an entire family not really knowing what do to. But we survived, with the only weapon guaranteeing success: sarcasm. I hope the dog's vomiting is not related. She tried to bite me when I got into bed last night. This follows a long line of disturbed spaniels, probably from abuse. I turn on a light and call her name so she knows it's me, but that mattered not.

In my mind, bed is the Final Frontier... the last place I go at night... and it should be somewhat sacred. I'm sure you see nothing wrong with that, but the wife and dog do. There is something wrong every night I get in bed. Blankets on the floor, blankets squashed up so Dog can be comfortable, blankets wrapped around Wife, because she's a twirler. We actually have separate blankets for this reason, but if she gets near mine, it's gone. The sheet needs to be stapled to the mattress, because it comes off every night. You probably didn't know this, but sleeping is a territorial acquisition game, like football and Ukraine. So a few nights a week I have to try drone-bombing Wife to regain some territory to sleep. If the dog doesn't move, it's likely that I'll fall off the bed and seriously injure the wall with my head. If I somehow  manage to carve out a little space to sleep, the dog will climb me. No, really... she starts out by my feet. By morning, we're sharing a pillow. This isn't a problem unless she's vomiting, I frequently spend my time wondering why there's a large can of tomato sauce at the foot of the bed, or several colored pens, along with a book on Aerosmith, but I'm too tired by that point. I drew the line at the railroad, though. A man has to have his boundaries.

I could put a positive spin on things by wondering what the bed holds for me this night; instead I'm terrified, wondering what the bed holds for me this night.

• The other night I did my uncle-y duty and went to see my nephew's school band. Each time I see them it gets less painful. The evening can best be summarized by noting that a "C" note should be the same for everybody in the group.

Somebody check on the whereabouts of the CIA the other day. The president of Iran's helicopter went down - no survivors.

 

PLEASE Stop Licking My Laptop

[as uttered to my very licky dog]

What is it about female lunatics who kill their boyfriend or are generally Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

Some of them are attractive, some downright hot. The latest example is Ruby Franke, noted child abuser and cult lieutenant. There's Amanda Knox, noted boyfriend killer, and the one in Mormon Country, with long hair, who led her boyfriend astray (to fun) before she killed him.

I'm wondering why there are greater than average numbers of hotties in the personal crime game. Finally I figured it out - Nature. If you have a woman with Serial Killer or Boyfriend Rapist tattooed on their forehead, their species doesn't have a chance at survival. So Nature gave them a chance by making them attractive.

All queries are solvable with a little thought. Some will tell you to add a little whiskey.

Be very careful with touchscreen laptops. I recently discovered that work gave me one. Every time I touch it, I do horrible damage to whatever I'm working on. Even worse is when the dog gets anywhere near it... she can do things to the laptop that I didn't know it did. It took 20 minutes to fix whatever she did to Outlook.

Deliveroo rider Jenniffer Rocha who bit off thumb seen working after conviction

The British are very serious about justice and Deliveroo swore they were closing the second account she used, possibly even the third and fourth accounts.  Reached for comment, Rocha said she was expanding into ring fingers and nipples. She was mad because the victim didn't tip.

Data Privacy: All the Ways Your Cellphone Carrier Tracks You and How to Stop It

Step-by-step instructions.

While the British may be faulted for their lax attitude about thumb-biters, the polling place is spiced up by the presence of dogs....

The real answer to why I haven't been posting as frequently lies in the numbers. They go way up when I don't post. I'm not going to argue.

 

Shoot me, beat me, run me over, but don't TAX me

Yes, it's April 15, a day that lives in infamy. For non-US readers, it's Tax day. This is the day your tax return has to be mailed by. The 11pm news will have video of people standing in line at the post offices to get their envelope stamped before midnight.

It's legalized highway robbery. The Internal Revenue Service is anything but a service, and strikes fear into anyone who hears its name. They can seize your bank account, take your house, and take parts of your salary, all without your input. Trump borrowed from the libertarian platform when he said it should be closed. If you have a problem with closing the IRS, pick up your W2 and see how much money was appropriated/stolen from you in just the federal box. We are being sucked dry. And politicians want to spend more, raising the debt every single time. The same politicians who pledged to reduce debt and stop spending. Btw, think about the total of everybody's federal taxes.... who sees that money?

We had a situation with the IRS. I called for an explanation and was not pleased. Wife called later and the rep said I was not pleased.

President Giveaway just gave the IRS $80 billion. How did he get into office again? 

The military industrial complex had a 30 day orgasm after Iran fired on Israel. Just think of the profits!

I have been on the phone for over a month with the IRS. When I say on the phone, I mean on hold for an hour, then transferred and on hold for another hour. These legal demons from hell LOST a tax return. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE THE TAX RETURN FOR THAT YEAR? I sent it via TurboTax, so it was filed electronically. So I had to fax a copy, which required a Sherlock Holmes hat, a shovel, and 48 hours straight of digging everywhere to find the document. I don't have a fax machine, so I went to a store that rhymes with Maples and paid to fax. It didn't go through twice, and on the third time, my 12 page fax cost me $27. I could buy my own fax machine for 2 or 3 faxes. This was the same Maples that charged me $110 to ship a laptop via ground service, and I had to tell them how to pack it so it would survive. Yes, I know... it's my own fault for not having a fax machine or running a shipping shop, with all the right boxes and bubble-pak.

Today was the nicest day of the year so far.

You know what that means, right?

MOWING.

I think I was bitten by a mower when I was little. I just HATE mowing.

Even my high performance 250 volt mower kept stalling. It also refused to chew up and spit out metal fragments on the ground. Last year I fragged 2 of the neighbors. Neighbors' houses, I mean. I would never hurt my neighbors (they have bigger mowers).

In fact, when they heard I got a 48v mower, they got 100v mowers. The batteries were bigger than truck batteries. This year I got the 250v auto-powered! I don't even have to push-it goes up hills and over small children by itself.

My greatest desire, after being a minor rock star, would be to have all my grass removed, never to grow again. I already checked and I'm not allowed to cement it in. More government bulldookey. However, I noticed the area my dog hangs out in only grew little spurts of grass. Halleleujah! I could collect half of her urine and distribute it over the rest of the lawn! But then I'd have to collect half of her urine. It's a sticky wicket, however you look at it.

Wife's doctor sent 2 prescriptions to the pharmacy. They got 1. How does this happen?

I hope they're not using their own medicines. Again. 

 

Sleeping more flushes junk out of the brain

Until next month, when it will be discovered that more sleep just makes you tired.

Elizabeth Warren, famous Indian Chief and African American, believes TurboTax should be reported to the FTC because of their infernal selling and upselling and hiding the free options. Having just used TurboTax, I am in the very uncomfortable position of agreeing with Rabbi Warren.

When I say in agreement, I mean that everything she says about it is true. I do not, however, want to run off and tell Big Brother to make them stop doing it. All we need is more government interference. If you don't like it, don't use it... let the market decide.

But it really bites the big one. Every time it asks you a question, you have to think carefully and look around the screen for other options. It has you fill out your state form, then wants to charge you $69 to electronically file it. Your choices are to file or delete. Time wasted. Then it wants to sign you up for other things Intuit owns. It tried to get you to sign up for more expensive plans. It's almost like constant commercials. A little while back, I had an article about many tax preparers sending info to Faceyspaces. I believe H&R Block did but TurboTax didn't. Pick your poison.

Do Snakes Fart?

Yes.

It's been a rough time in the old state..... first an earthquake, then an eclipse.

All brought to you by the letter E.

I was nonplussed by both, although it's always weird to have an earthquake here because by the time you figure out it was an earthquake, it's already over. It's not like we get many of them. It was a 4.8, which means the Planet of California is laughing at us. I had an earthquake at work, many years ago. I had the good fortune to be on the potty at the time. It started shaking and moving toward the wall and back for a while.  I figured that one out pretty quickly after dispatching the idea that the lunatics that ran that place put in vibrating commodes, or made an amusement park ride out of the bathroom. I must have been beta testing it because I had no tickets.

I saw the eclipse without glasses. Wife said blindness would only improve my outlook.

Little did she know I watched on tv. People got really excited. I didn't. All we got was brown skies, like there was going to be a tornado or something. If we want crappy weather, we don't need an eclipse - our weather is mostly crappy.

Mrs. lefty's body parts are not cooperating, meaning she's recuperating in bed all day. This means the dog is also in the bed all day. It also means I get stuck with the shopping. I suppose I should be happy I don't have to go to CostCo. But I'm not. In fact I'm not happy in general, especially when it involves doing stuff.

I knew it was going to be worse than I thought when I hit the inside glass doors and a guy on a motorized cart was completely in the way of the open doors. Why? He was rubbing down the cart, perhaps for germs. Completely blocking the entrance. Maybe he was protecting himself from snakes by using snake repellent. Perhaps he needed to block the entire entrance because that helped him with his voodoo, although I didn't see any dead chickens. Or snakes.

Soda was on sale. If you buy 2, the price is only twice what it was before the Flying AIDS. Wife laughs at me... actually she laughs at me a lot... because I don't know what things cost. This is part of a plot on my part. If I keep expressing surprise and anger, she'll leave me at home. See the magic here?

There. Was. No. Dog. Food.

Well, actually there was an entire aisle of dog food; just not our brand.

Because she's a tuna-seeking missile, we get her seafood-flavor food. The store had any flavor I wanted, so long as it was chicken and rice. In addition to seafood being her favorite, I used the price as a Flying AIDS price control: it started at $14 and went over $20 the last time they had it.

At least they had English Toffee Oreos. They're like crack (but more expensive). Nabisco will put absolutely anything in Oreos; dark chocolate, mega-stuff, oregano, etc.

Speaking of prices, by the time I checked out, it was more than the mortgage payment. In order to get the discount, I had to put in a phone number (that I haven't had for 20 years). I can remember that but don't ask me to finish a sentence with the correct word.... "That's a really nice.... dammit.... elephant? No. Parade? No. Parking job - that's it."  I asked the doctors about this and they put my mind at ease. They said I didn't have dementia or diseases.... it's normal for aging persons. Yeah, I'm really at ease now. They said forgetting where your car keys are is normal. Forgetting what they do isn't.

Privacy is ‘virtually impossible’ on iPhones, experts warn

Just another reason (of many) not to use Apple devices. Do not compute with fruit.

 

Varicose Veins as Fashion Statement

I began to notice something was wrong when I looked over at the tv and some Australian dude was fishing. He caught a large something or other and admired the hell out of it, saying it was the most beautiful animal (as he killed it). That aside, why was there fishing on my tv? What's next - golf?

Schleswig-Holstein, Germany's most northern state, is starting its switch from Microsoft Office to LibreOffice, and is planning to move from Windows to Linux on the 30,000 PCs it uses for local government functions.

You can too. For free. And you'll be free from Microsoft's spying and prices.

Sam Ash, the chain musical instrument store, is closing 18 of its 44 stores. This prompted a visit. At this point, the discount is only 5%, so waiting and watching is in order. The funny part was looking in the bag on the way out: she, the non-musician, got stuff to bang on, cord holders, and a bunch of other stuff. I got a rag and guitar polish.

Guitar polish is a long-standing sore subject for me. If you polish, it will take the dirt away. My guitars have vintage dust, which helps the sound. In order to approximate this, you can buy imitation vintage dust, but it's not even close. So if I clean my guitars, my vintage cred will go to hell. The last neck repair I had done meant telling the tech not to touch anything. He must have thought I was a complete nut, but at least I was a paying complete nut, so he kept his mouth shut. I tried the polish out on one guitar, which was so grimy, it could pick things up by touching them. The cloth wound up completely black (it started yellow). It was ok to clean this guitar as it had no vintage dust.

New Jersey got sued for giving cops access to newborns' DNA. They were previously sued, which explains why they're doing it again.

My dog is a tuna-seeking missile. She's a fish head. Even her food is seafood flavor.

The other day I gave her a burger. She looked at it, sniffed once, then asked, "Why is this not tuna?" Yes, a dog that wasn't interested in meat. Having just run out of her food, I gave her a burger, trying to figure out how to get her to eat it. I asked if she wanted it barbecued or cooked in the pan with the lines, but she remained mum. So I dumped some garlic on it. She again looked at it as if it were a late April Fools joke. The next time I went by, the bowl was empty. I guess it was the garlic.

We've recently had to admit to ourselves that she wasn't ever going to grok gravity. It bedevils her constantly. She jumps up on the couch with a toy to disembowel, which promptly falls off the couch. I get it for her the first time, but after that, she's on her own. Every time - right to ground. She's about 11, so there's little hope.

After having her for 5 years, she finally figured out how to open bi-fold doors. Every other dog and cat we adopted had it figured out in short order; not her. Unfortunately the only bi-fold door we have is attached to the bathroom. She has become an expert at interrupting. This should be fun the next time we have company.

I've seen videos of helper dogs going to the fridge, opening it, getting a drink, and bringing it to their people. It's fascinating. More fascinating to me is watching them close the fridge. My dog never puts anything away. She takes her small box of toys (90), removes the toys one-by-one, then leaves them all over the place. Naturally I get to pick them up. Worse is the shredding. No, I don't shred on guitar, but she shreds tissues and paper towels. Into small pieces. And I have to pick them up. In recognition for my efforts, the next day there's another batch of shredded paper for me. Let's face it - who likes to clean? Certainly not me. And certainly not the day after I just did it. Wife doesn't understand, but I think this might have something to do with me having to pick it up... her job is to order it picked up.

I think my dog is being influenced by animal videos. She thinks she's a cat sometimes. She herds me from in front, knowing exactly where I'm going to step and being there. Fortunately she doesn't knock stuff off tables or try to claw me for no particular reason.

Eavesdropping on fish could help us keep better tabs on underwater worlds

• That flounder said something about your mother
• The dolphins were laughing at how they trained people to feed them treats by jumping out of the water
• Crabs are working on a secret plan to walk forward
• Cuttlefish are tired of being food for dead parrots in British comedy sketches

Faceyspaces let Netflix see your DMs.

Do you think I rant for no reason? 

China has a big problem with super gonorrhea, study finds

Yes, it's Super Gonorrhea!

Faster than a 2am pickup...

More powerful than antibiotics....

Able to leap genitalia in a single bound!

Can't You Stick Your Finger Up Your Nose like the rest of the kids?

The inadvertently sick thing about being sick is that I can't infect my coworkers, as they all work from home. I did take precautions and have them move farther away from their screens and speakers when I was on.

Apparently the precautions weren't enough, as most of them are sick too. Talk about computer viruses... Most of them work anyway, and why not - they barely get anything done when they're well. In fact, their productivity has actually gone up, the theory being they have little energy for social media, so they focus on work.  Of course there's little that can be done while sleeping, but to emphasize the positive, it keeps their stupid ideas to a minimum. We just have to mute their mics to keep the snoring down in meetings.

Speaking of meetings, my boss has officially driven his staff insane with meetings. People have their communication styles, like email, text, and smoke signals. Boss' style is meetings. He actually told us he can't get anything done because he's in meetings all day. I guess some people just can't learn from their mistakes (or won't). I often wonder what it's like at his house....

BOSS: Kids, Louella, get up or you'll miss the Wakeup Meeting.

EVERYONE: Aw, do we have to?

BOSS: We have to start off the day right. I need Sleep Stats, the Breakfast Report, and progress since last night's Sleep Meeting.

EVERYONE: Grumble

BOSS: Hailey, you were in charge of the Sleep Project. How many hours did everyone get and what was the delta from the previous evening, as well as in general?

• I must be starting to feel better... I'm blogging. My apologies for missing many posts, but sickness took it out of me, plus I wasn't getting any (not that this was odd). 

Don't ask me what's wrong, but the Meeting Factor has gone through the roof this week. If it's not your regular brain-seizing, concrete-melting, attention swallowing meetings, there's a bit of 'training' about. Training is a process in which a cleverly-disguised salesperson gives a few days' technical presentation on something you've never seen before and definitely never want to come in contact with. In fact, you'd prefer it not to occupy the same state, country, or planet on which you reside.

One of the meetings came up really short, so the entire group sat there, looking around, wondering what to do. We were saved by a pop-up meeting that sucked up all the rest of our time before leaving. I don't want to talk out of school, but the boss wet his boxers when he heard about the fill-in meeting.

You see, meetings aren't just horrid wastes of time, guaranteed to make your brain stop processing forever. Meetings become their own living monsters. They pry open your skull and use a cheese grater to shave your brain down to a perfect square. They throw so much garbage at you that your brain can no longer process input, even when the end of the meeting comes and the next meeting is being planned. And there will always be some useful idiot who asks questions, prompting another discussion that will last 47 minutes and mean nothing to no one. Working from home provides the added benefit of drinking. You can run a large drink right into your veins or just take huge gulps while the circus continues. If you're poorly-behaved, like me, no one will notice a few extra (drunken) outbursts. I used to wait until work was over before drinking, but these constant meetings are taking their toll on me. The other day I started at 4:00. Then 9 am. Coworkers tell me to start at 8am; the day is much smoother if you're pre-loaded, they tell me. Since we don't use video, it's much harder to catch me weaving and falling over. 

• People get caught doing it in public toilets. Sure, a bit of fun for everyone. What I want to know is who calls the police? Some dried-up old hag who hasn't seen it in over 30 years? Or some old pervert who couldn't convince the couple to include him in the fun.

Automakers Are Sharing Consumers’ Driving Behavior With Insurance Companies

If it requires Dancers, it ain't Music

I'm sick. Again. Lemme tell you bout it.

I was minding my own business when I breathed in and heard all sorts of other noises that should not accompany breathing. I felt like the Addams Family; Morticia's sister Ophelia could sing 3 part harmony at once. Well, this was the closest I was going to get to it anyway. It was like a cough combined with a wheeze combined with a tin whistle, all at once. This should have alerted me something was up, but I try not to pay close attention to stuff my body's trying to tell me. It's never good news, ya know?

Within a day or 3, I started hacking up a lung, along with the accompanying noise, which was enough to scare politicians off legislation for their own pay raises. At about this point, I noticed that even my hair hurt. Arm hair, head hear, whatever hair - it hurt. So it would start out with front of body hair, ouch, then reacting by backing up hair. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, and errrrrr.

They tell you to look at the stuff you bring up and if it's colorful, that's a problem. This stuff was colorful, to the tune of some sort of disgusting dark green, with a touch of Jackson Pollack. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack.

The Mystery Illness also played havoc with my sleep because I couldn't get a clear nostril for breathing. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, Snore. I knew if I didn't get it fixed, I'd be sleeping in the basement, but politely.

So I was a zombie, terribly tired, and would fall halfway asleep anywhere that wasn't my bed. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, Snore. After I few days I became tired of this and asked if we shouldn't pay a visit to the hospital. This was my error, either that or the triage result for not breathing came somewhat lower than sneezing. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, masked hack. I was beginning to warn Wife that if I passed out, she should go get someone to look at me, as it had been four hours. We got one of those nice rooms, right outside the hallway from other rooms. I told them they couldn't charge me for a room if I didn't sit in one. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, mask Splotch, beeping.

After some testing and constant ringing of room bells, they decided it was viral, hence would have to work its own way though. You know, I had been treating the symptoms for a week, so I didn't find too much value in a professional opinion. Since the illness had made me feel like I had been dead for a week, I was looking for more of a solution that involved prescription medicines, or at least involving a lot of Yoo Hoo. Splotch, Ow, Double Splotch, errr, hack, mask Splotch, beeping. Snore.

Because of the viral mess, I have temporarily lost my sense of taste. I hate my body, as do many others. When I can't taste, I start eating stuff I don't like, out of spite. Lots of stinky cheese!

=====================

So I was left to treat the symptoms. I'd get up in the morning, treat the symptoms, then get up the next morning, and treat the symptoms. It was kind of a Symptomatic Treatment with no Point. At least I assumed my new identity as Mucus Man. It's a shame mucus can't fuel a car - I'd be rich.

After a week of treating symptoms, I became tired and weary and called my doctor. He described precisely the conditions of the Emergency Room and did his own exam. We decided on some prescription medicines, which always makes people feel better. NOTE: do not take antibiotics just for fun; only for the correct infection. Antibiotics are losing efficacy because they're randomly overprescribed.

So I continued to treat the symptoms (these symptoms gotta go, perhaps buried in some landfill in New Jersey). I got an inhaler, for the first time in my life. I'd start telling people I had some sort of horrible lung disease, but I rarely leave the house and people don't terrify as easily as they used to. On the positive side, the inhaler is famous; I can tell because it has plenty of commercials, all day long, with people singing and dancing and being stupid on purpose.

Aside from the Mucus Minders, I find it odd that the only medicine that has any definite effect is ibuprofen (generic Advil). It gets rid of headaches, fevers, and threatens mucus, like the guys who operate New Jersey landfills. I think the conspiracy here is that Big Pharma<tm> has nothing to compete with ibuprofen, so it's the only thing that works. This does not stop them from coming out with more and more expensive Pills That Don't Work.

One of the weirdest side effects of the sickness is on sleep. If I go to bed early, I wake up refreshed, only to find that I've just slept a total of 2 hours and can't get back to sleep. Going to bed early seems to cause less sleep - it makes perfect sense. And I cough a lot. Nothing much comes of it, but I can clear a waiting room faster than one of my own jokes. But I know it's serious when I have no desire to eat. On my deathbed, I'll be demanding ice cream, so not wanting any is worrisome. 

Wife was amazing through all of this. She, ever hypervigilant, would watch me in bed, to see if I stopped breathing. I never understood if not breathing was a good thing or not, so I didn't ask. I could run an Abrams tank through the room and over the bed without waking her. But if I coughed once, she wanted to know if I was ok and could she get me anything. Fight with your spouse all you want, but this is where the rubber meets the sidewalk.

So after 3 weeks of this crap, I'm still coughing, still have minor fevers, still Mr. Mucus, and still don't sleep right. I consider this all a success. A grave success. 

And after asking around, I start to wonder about this. Many seem to have this ailment, whatever it is. Some were diagnosed with the Flying AIDS, some not (me). But the symptoms and length seem to go on forever, with no meds actually helping. Makes one wonder....

Stay well.

Giant Magical Bunnies

I was having a tough time of it at work. I kept damn near falling asleep. I asked friends, family, and even the doctors, but no one had any ideas. I am nothing if not ugly. In fact, I am nothing if not scientific - I love to take stuff apart. When I was very little, the family was out visiting, and I would take apart their vacuums. Whether or not this affects my feelings about vacuums lately, I cannot say. Where was I? Oh yeah, ugly.

So I monitored my sleepiness. My sleep amount or schedule hadn't changed (the less sleep I get, the easier it is to get up). It took a while, but I realized I had a start on the problem when I joked that I stopped falling over when work was done for the day. A-HA! But it wasn't every day.

It finally hit me, like yet another derailing Amtrak train, that I was falling asleep in meetings. I watched this closely (with my eyes closed and my mic muted), and it turned out to be the problem. As soon as a meeting started, I'd start getting tired. It's not like I'd get progressively tired as the meeting went on... within the first sentence I'd start nodding off. Even 'good morning' would start me off to 'good evening, time to go to bed.' To make things worse, if I crossed my legs, I was more likely to get tired. The doctors were at a loss (after they stopped laughing).

With the Science done, it was time to look for the cure. I tried the normal stuff, like a 10th cup of coffee, pinching myself, having someone else pinching myself, hitting myself with a hammer, all for naught. I got creative, asking Boss to be excused from meetings, with predictable results. It took some effort, but I got a doctor's note, excusing me from meetings. This worked no better than when I got a doctor's note to keep an android phone, as opposed to the new iPhone. My employer is anything but flexible.  

So here I am, in limbo. It's all I can do to keep from snoring.

Suggestions?

The meetings will continue until morale improves  

 

Denmark orders schools to stop sending student data to Google

Told you so. If your student uses a Chromebook, their data is going to Google. Gmail too.

Chinese hackers have lurked in some US infrastructure systems for ‘at least five years’

Told you so. They're in the power and all sorts of other systems. Nothing good will come of this.

MS-DOS and Windows 3.11 still run train dashboards at German railway — company listed admin job for 30-year-old operating system

Perhaps it's running Boeing 737s too. Don't. Get. On. The. Train. They obviously don't care about security.

 

Senator Wiener Introduces Groundbreaking Bills to Slash California Road Deaths Epidemic

Mandate electronic speed controls in cars. The planet of California is a silly place and you should not go there.

 Wanna know how you're surveilled?

be prepared to be shaken and stirred