They Tell Me it's Against the Law to Shoot Your Dentist

Just when I think I have the perfect solution, someone comes along and ruins it with talk of the law or morals or some such stupid thing....

I don't really want to shoot Dr. Mengele, my dentist.  It's just because I don't want to see Dr. Mengele professionally.  I can imagine having pizza with him - that would be fine.. he seems like a good guy.  I just don't want to sit in the chair while the good doctor and his assistant Natasha perform all sorts of experiments on my mouth.  Experiments like how many times can we poke him with this pointy implement until he screams or hits?

Today it was the shot.   I have somehow managed not to cringe too badly or leap from the chair and break into show tunes when he puts the needle in my gums and wiggles it about just for the hell of it.  I had a bad feeling about where the needle was going... I remembered a particularly bad time in that location that felt like I was being electrocuted.

Damn my memory.

The guy sticks the needle in, wiggles it satanically, and my eyes went wide.  He asked me if I felt a tingle.  "In a manner of speaking, yes," I wanted to say, but my mouth was full of needle and fingers.  I have been playing with electronics since I was two and am a tremendous klutz, thus I have managed to electrocute myself rather frequently.  This felt kinda like when I electrocuted myself, only it was near my jaw.

So he pulled the needle out and I reaffirmed that I had been hit by lightning.  He went back at it with the needle but this time the lightning bolt was not as severe.  I tried to figure out whether I was lucky or not.  He said he hit a nerve.  It felt more like a transformer.

I seem to remember this procedure not taking too long (in spite of the fact that it felt like four hours).  Turns out I spent about two hours in the chair.  I kept wondering what medicine they give to the cowards who are irrationally terrified of dental procedures.... you know.... like me.  I would have asked but the moment he said I was done, I made a beeline for the door.  I never look back, in case he tries to catch me.

There was a point where I was pretty good with dentists.  Then it all went to hell.  No idea why.  The good doctor seemed pretty confused too.  He kept telling me the worst was over so I had no reason to keep trying to escape.  The guy obviously doesn't understand terror.  And with a name like Mengele.

Then they took turns putting goop in my mouth and waiting to see how long it would take for me to start gagging.  Natasha was watching tv and moving about the room with one hand in my mouth.  I have no idea why.  I was so terrified I couldn't be bothered to look down her uniform (in case you doubt my sincerity).

I didn't like the look on Natasha's face when she pulled the metric ton of gauze out of my mouth.  The doctor explained that pretty much all of my terror was for naught, as the tooth broke and they were going to have to do it all over and put in a post.

A post?

I don't even want to know what a post is.

And Dr. Mengele always laughs when I come in and am not tremendously happy to see him.

This is apparently why people take showers with their clothes on and hide under tables.

Samsung Galaxy Tablet Repair

A few weeks ago, I detailed my utter frustration with TMobile and Samsung over getting my Galaxy 10 tablet fixed.

To recap, the tablet started taking forever to charge and finally stopped working entirely.  It took me the better part of two days to figure out what to do with the errant device.  TMobile and Samsung were like hardware and software vendors, bickering over whose fault the failure was (the tablet was under two months old).  Rather than replacing it, I had to send it to Samsung.

Once the near-impossible task of figuring out where the tablet was supposed to go was complete, it was actually fairly easy going.  Samsung provided me with a shipping label and I sent the device off.  Samsung was very communicative about the status of the tablet, updating me at every step of the way.  Samsung was also very communicative with me in terms of marketing garbage.  If you have to deal with people, let them know you don't want to be on their marketing list.

Within a day or so of its arrival at the service center, it got looked at and repaired.  When I say repaired, I mean they indicated that they updated the software and sent it to Shipping.  I don't know what kind of magic Samsung techs have but I am at a loss to explain how they could update any software at all on a device that flatly refused to power up.

Samsung provided a UPS tracking number and I followed the box from Mesquite, Texas.  It took a bit longer to arrive than I would have thought, largely as UPS finds it more efficient to send a package to a far-off suburb before delivery to the main city.  But it survived the hands of the World's Largest Brown-Suited Basketball Team and arrived this morning.

The tablet powered up with a loud set of horrible noises, closely followed by my loud set of horrible noises after discovering that updating software meant they blew out everything that was on the device when I had it last.

HONESTLY, backing up is the responsibility of the owner.  It's almost entirely my fault.  I don't back up to Google because Google does evil (in spite of their directive to Do No Evil).  I didn't lose anything of a serious nature but spent a ton of time getting the device back to (ab)normal.  No one asked or told me that `updating software' meant `blowing it the hell out'.

Overall, the experience has been taxing and annoying.  Samsung and TMobile get low marks for knowledge and coordination.  Samsung gets high marks for communicating the status of the device during the repair. Tmobile gets low marks for not stocking the devices or servicing them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put my pr0n back on the internal drive :)

Xubuntu 12.04 Installed

Unable to contain my excitement and with the patience of a pregnant gnat, I decided to upgrade a machine (or two) to the latest Ubuntu: 12.04 [Porcine Paraguayan].  Before we go any further, I'm not sure this review is going to help you much unless you're a user of Xubuntu, like me.

Ubuntu comes in a few basic flavors: Ubuntu, the default; Kubuntu, with the KDE desktop; and Xubuntu, with the XFCE desktop.  KDE has a high Bling Factor and uses the most resources.  XFCE is a fairly lightweight, customizable distribution.  Plain old Ubuntu used to come with the Gnome desktop and performed somewhere in the middle.

Unfortunately the folks at Canonical (parent of Ubuntu) had a bit of an aneurysm (or a lot of crack) and replaced Gnome with Unity.  This is the most highly contested feature of Ubuntu.  It is arguably the most highly detested feature of Ubuntu also.  Unity started out as a simple interface for netbooks and progressed (regressed) to the Big Deal about 12.04.  It's the default and you're pretty much stuck with it.  It's very graphical and not very configurable.    Can you guess where I stand on the issue?


Using Xubuntu means I don't have to deal with Unity.  Since I have everything set up as I like it, upgrades don't look significantly different.  I get the nicer features and everything looks pretty much the same as it did before.  But remember, if you install Ubuntu from scratch, you'll get Unity.  If you install Xubuntu, you won't.

You might like Unity.
I don't.

The upgrade was pretty slow, as it is wont to be on the first official day of release.  I broke with tradition and did not install the beta version, which is usually quite stable.  After quite a few hours of downloading I was almost done, when the dog walked over to the laptop, stood on the right key, and canceled the upgrade.  He had no idea why I was screaming but he figured it must have been his fault.  Fortunately the upgrade process will continue more or less from where it was when it was interrupted.  Ubuntu:  now dog-proof.

The first thing I noticed was that the hiding panels hid all of the time, as opposed to the 11.10 and previous panels, which only hid some of the time.  This is a pretty good thing.  Thus far the laptop I upgraded is completely stable.

At work I upgraded a desktop quickly and painlessly, using the Update Manager.  Then I set about installing Xubuntu in parallel with Linux Mint Debian XFCE.  This failed miserably.  Spectacularly.  Repeatedly.  And continuously, until I remembered that I was unable to install Xubuntu on this brand new HP machine in the first place, leading me to try LMDE.  I even wiped LMDE but no luck.  Some web searching turned up others having similar problems, which seem to be related to HP's BIOS and the way it sees hard drives.  I called our HP rep, who has been too busy to find me an answer (for two months).  But this is not the fault of Ubuntu.

Another desktop got fouled up before the installation so I started from scratch, as opposed to an upgrade.  This too failed miserably.  And repeatedly.  The possible cause here was a previously encrypted HOME partition, which Xubuntu fresh install could not see or process, just leaving me hanging out there in Linux Space.

I was beginning to take this personally.

NOTE:  Always make your HOME partition separate.  This way if you need to reinstall, you'll have all of your data ready.

Another try got me a fresh install of Xubuntu 12.04 [Pregnant Peacock].  Then it froze consistently when I accessed the Screensaver control.  Finally I got everything working, probably due to a better video driver.   Do you drink at work?  I did.

After what seemed like twelve hours, I arrived home.  Eager for more grief, I decided to try upgrading my main laptop.  After at least two hours of downloading, I got an error and the entire installation stopped.  The error indicated there was a dependency issue around ncurses and I got past it here.

I am typing this on the aforementioned laptop, which seems to indicate that the upgrade was successful.  If you hear any screaming, it means there was a glitch.

SO WHAT'S NEW?

I have no earthly idea.  To be honest Xubuntu kinda sucks in the documentation department.  There's a menu item called IBus, which I clicked on, to no avail.  I was a little scared, as I try never to touch anything with an `I' in front of it.  As if you didn't know, it's a next-generation input framework.  Got it?

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to wind up with Pidgin and XChat.  I try valiantly to not select them or uninstall them, but like zombies, they come back and they're always there.   Same with the games.  Funny, OSes always come with games but no porn.  Guess which one is much more popular?

There is a menu editor.  Hopefully it's a new and improved menu editor because the last one came up when you clicked on it but was incapable of much else (kinda like Congress).  Apparently you need some sort of advanced physics degree to edit menus in XFCE and my degree expired last year.

Like the last release, the Ubuntu Software Center is front and center.  This is a real shame, as it seems quite slow, bloated, and useless to me.  But if it makes you happy, please use it.  I like Synaptic and sometimes the command line.

There are some important privacy controls I read about in Ubuntu but I have yet to locate them in Xubuntu.  I'll update you as I go along.

So for those of you playing along at home, the score is five total; with three successes, one user error, and one HP error.   I say go for it.


UPDATE-a few days later


I have upgraded or installed Xubuntu on most of my computers and laptops.  I haven't seen any glitches, although most of the installs were hampered by the ncurses issue mentioned above.  Shutdown feels faster, moreso than startup.  Don't forget to add Medibuntu to your repositiories after you upgrade, for all sorts of multimedia goodness.

AND FURTHERMORE.....


Do NOT encrypt your HOME partition.  As a security guy, I loved this option and selected it when presented.  When I went to mount my old HOME partition, I had to decrypt it.  It refused to decrypt.  After hours of research and trying, I now have gigs and gigs of encrypted data that I can't touch and seem to have lost forever.

This Week in Porn?

Frankly, I feel kind of left out.  Because most of us don't live in New York City, we're unable to take advantage (so to speak) of Bree Olson's Boob Bus.  Run in conjunction with Pornhub, the Bus made stops around New York City and gave out free breast exams.  Rick Santorum's panties are twisted so hard, he's singing soprano.

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In related news, candidate Romney turns out to be just like his pal Santorum on porn, asking supporters to rally against adult entertainment on the web.  Of course you won't read that from mainstream media in the US, which is run by approximately five people.

The only sensible candidate remains Ron Paul... a candidate who you can be proud to vote for, for once.  A vote for Obama or Romney is a wasted vote for the Greater Evil.

========================

On Monday, President Giveaway went Full Hypocrite, announcing plans to impose sanctions on foreign governments that use modern technology to tackle anti-government protesters.  And then there were the Free Speech Zones....

Speaking of Giveaways, Government Motors will be opening six hundred new dealerships!  In China.
And GM will be producing Cadillacs there.  Great investment, Mr. President.

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Mob beats man unconscious on his front porch - `Now that's justice for Trayvon'.

Does this mean Florida can dispense with the trial?

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In an incredible instance of irony, a congresscritter was groped by the TSA during a patdown.  Well, you and your kind voted for it; it's only fair that you reap the rewards.

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The NSA swears is doesn't do domestic interception.  The NSA lies.  Read about this from a female geek who is almost as crazy as this blog's owner.  They stand right up in front of the august body we know as Congress and lie to them (and us).

It's a Car Chase in California!

Last night I was made aware of yet another car chase in California.  By law, it seems California has to have at least two of these per month.  The added bonus was that the police were chasing a tow truck, not a car.

Channel 7, the ABC affiliate, was streaming live video of the chase so I, as a dutiful internet denizen, tuned right in.  It was my wife's first televised car chase, so we were both pretty excited.  Yes, I know.. it doesn't take much.

All we knew is that a large phalanx of police vehicles were chasing a tow truck through California.  I'm sure residents of California don't find this exciting anymore but the rest of us, for whom this isn't a weekly occurrence, perked up our ears and eyes.

To begin with, this chase was different due to the tow truch driver obeying all traffic laws, with the possible exception of pulling over when told.  The guy was driving on city streets at the speed limit, signaling his turns, stopping at red lights and generally driving like a model citizen.  In fact, I understand the California Department of Transportation is going to use video of his driving to teach others how to obey the law, with the possible exception of pulling over when told.

The driver seemed to have no real plan, driving up through Hollywood, Glendale, and all sorts of other cities for which we non-Californians have no reference.  The guy appeared calm and didn't even cut other drivers off or brandish the finger.  This initially made the police wonder if he was even from this planet.  In fact, most of the California drivers behaved in exemplary fashion.

My experience in California was very different from life in PA.  I noticed that people yielded so we could get on the freeway instead of speeding up to cut us off, like at home.  The greatest trick my wife pulled was to turn an entire car full of seasoned California drivers white with a maneuver called Cross Four Lanes and Exit Immediately.  And then there was the wrong turn that allowed us to tour the scenic Compton neighborhood.

As car chases go, this one was not exactly a great example.  What made it memorable, especially for my wife, was the entire circus surrounding the event.  The most obvious amusing bits were provided by the folks at the ABC affiliate.  Three or four of them apparently felt it was their duty to speak throughout the event, regardless of the fact that they had damn near nothing to say and very few facts.  They carried on undaunted.

At this point, another astounding thing happened: the driver took off his safety vest.  The intrepid reporters spent a good five minutes on what this meant, no to mention the white tshirt he was wearing under the safety vest and what this could possibly mean for the chase.

Finally a scoop: a young girl who witnessed the event that started everything called the news.  Apparently the tow truck driver did not have the proper paperwork or licensing and drove off, triggering the massive chase.  They interrogated this poor fourteen-year-old with a vigor usually reserved for murderers, then asked if she witnessed the even with her mother.  But alas, the young lady admitted that she was with her boyfriend.

Fourteen year olds with boyfriends.  Well, this is California, you know.  She probably wasn't past her first divorce yet.

With a severe lack of new facts, the news team decided to discuss unknown specialist territory.  Since their entire knowledge of police procedure came from watching COPS, they started to discuss the relative merits of the PIT maneuver on a vehicle estimated at 7.5 tons.  Someone mentioned the dually rear tires.  Someone else mentioned the blue color of the tow bar and that it was hanging down in a manner that suggested it might be dragging on the street (only no sparks).  At this point the helicopter reporter chimed in and mentioned that there was an AAA emblem on the truck but that many private towing companies were contracted by the AAA.  Eventually they managed to get close enough to determine the name on the side of the truck.

At this point, the news helicopter that was filming the show had to return for fuel, prompting the news team to run previous footage of the chase and re-explain what had happened.

Meanwhile, an official lieutenant from the police called in to answer some questions.  This fellow, with all good intentions, said very little but maintained a very professional, calm demeanor.  If I were the tow truck driver, I'd pull over after listening to this guy.  He made it plain that there was no escape.  The hilarity continued as the news team debated the PIT maneuver and spike strips with the lieutenant, as well as what the charge might be.  They suggested felony evading (again, because they say it on COPS) but the policeman refused to be pigeonholed.

But don't think that the reporting staff had the only hysterical but inane input.  Apparently car chases are now a spectator sport in California.  People saw the chase on the news and came out onto the sidewalks to be a part of the Big Event<tm>.  They talked on their cell phones and waved at the choppers.  They held up their phones to video the tow truck as it went by.  Some even waved to the driver to become a lasting part of the great love-in that was this chase.

Not to be outdone, fellow motorists decided to get in on the act.  One fellow in an SUV kept pulling up to the tow trucks passenger side and yelling into the window, presumably in an effort to get the guy to surrender.  After a few lights, the truck driver grew tired of the pleading and rolled up his window.

After the SUV gave up, it was time for some guy on a motorcycle to try his hand.  He made his grand attempt from the driver's side but was blocked by an already-closed driver's window.  This guy apparently had no fear (but wore a helmet) and kept pulling up next to the truck to make his plea.  He ultimately failed but managed to stay in the shot for quite a while.  I'm certain his head shot is available somewhere now.

The reporters wasted no time at all in talking about how stupid, dangerous, and futile it was for citizens to get involved, especially as the police car convoy was hanging back half a block and not using lights or sirens.  I guess there's some sort of California law that states police cannot abridge the rights of criminals to flee by chasing them.  One of the reporters allowed as he was a bike rider himself and this was extremely dangers and should be left to the police.

Lacking any significant additional input, the bright and creative news team got the fourteen-year-old back on the phone to once again go over each little factlet for the benefit of new viewers.

By this point, the sidewalk crowds were growing exponentially; leaping, shouting and waving to the cameras.  The police were trying spike strips and failing completely.  Someone should probably explain to the last guy to try it that you need to deploy the strips in front of the vehicle.  Hurling them at the evading vehicle from the rear out of frustration is unlikely to produce a positive outcome.  Of course I'm speaking purely as a citizen - maybe the guy was right after all.  Maybe I watch too much COPS also.

This insane bit of fun went on for about two hours.  When my wife left the room for a moment, the tow truck driver stopped in the middle of the road, got out of the passenger side, and laid on the ground for the police. It was over.  No fatalities, wounds or traffic violations, with the possible exception of not pulling over when told.

Ted Nugent and Friends?

Terrible Ted Nugent- rock star, hunting and gun rights advocate, right winger, and undiagnosed manic, is in trouble again.  Our good friends in prostitution, the Secret Service, will be investigating Ted's rant at this past weekend's NRA convention.  Thus said Ted, `he will be "dead or in jail" in a year's time if President Barack Obama is re-elected in November.'

According to Yahoo, this was a `violent, anti-Obama rant.'  Apparently the Secret Service thinks so too.  Those of us with the most basic comprehension are unable to hear the violence in the rant.

I agree that credible threats need to be investigated.  I disagree that Ted is a threat to anyone, with the possible exception of the relaxed.

The Nuge: I'm 'a black Jew at a Nazi-Klan rally'...

Much as I love Terrible Ted, I'm horribly disappointed in him.  Anyone who stumps for Mitt Romney should seriously rethink their position (to be polite).

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Big Sister is is expanding and I'm not talking about eating way too much.  In Houston, the TSA is planting agents and police officers on buses.  These folks will be searching bags and looking for suspicious activity.  They will interrogate passengers too.

To borrow a current phrase: WTF?

This organization's reach seems to be never-ending.  The genuises who wrote and voted for the PATRIOT Act should be tried for treason.  Who voted for it?  Everyone but Ron Paul (look it up).  It's bad enough our airports have been invaded by this gang of ne'er do wells... now it's the buses.  Pretty soon your rights will be violated right out in the streets on which you walk.

We are no safer for this.  In fact, I will argue that we're less safe (or at least our rights are).  The idea of groping airline passengers while allowing illegal aliens and everyone else free access to our entrances and exits goes against rational thinking.  But then again, who's thinking rationally?

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Nation of Islam's Louis Farrakhan spoke at the University of Arkansas the other day.  Here are a few quotes:

“They know you, but you don’t know them or yourself, so you’re always at a disadvantage when you sit down with white people to negotiate,”

“I know myself. I know you. And some of you white people – I know you better than you know yourself because God has revealed you fully,”

“You can’t talk like this unless you know God. I don’t just talk about God or talk about Jesus … Jesus spoke like this. That’s why he was hated,”

Whites: ‘Unless You Change, Your End Has Come’

I ask you: if a caucasian had said these things, what do you suppose would have happened?

Let me leave you with the most twisted thing Farrakhan has ever said:

Pat Buchanan "is a great republican."

P.S.  Happy World Amateur Radio Day!

Poor Charlie Can't Get a Break...

Charlie.  You know - CHARLIE.  Charlie Manson, of course.
A panel just denied poor Charlie parole.  Again.  For the 12th time.  Since Charlie's 77, this might be his last parole hearing.

It's not like any of this was poor Charlie's fault... he just can't get a break.  Charlie was born, on parole, to a mother who was also in prison.  As an adult, he wandered around California, influencing the Beach Boys and the FBI, among others.  Well, perhaps the FBI influenced him - who can say?

So anyway, poor Charlie holds sway over his own little mind-controlled commune and they go out murdering people, including the very pregnant Sharon Tate.  The police catch the lot of them and throw them in prison.

At his first parole review, he showed his contrition by carving a swastika on his forehead.

DENIED.
Poor Charlie can't get a break.

Fifteen years later, at his next parole hearing, Charlie threatened to disembowel the entire parole board.

DENIED.


The next time, Charlie said that if released, he'd work for Richard Nixon.

DENIED.
Poor Charlie can't get a break.

After yet another fifteen years had passed, Charlie said he was genuinely sorry, and that if released, would let the rest of the world know of his divinity; asking the board to please refer to him as Jesus.

DENIED.


Just when you thought poor Charlie had finally gotten it together, his recent statement to a prison psychologist was  “I have spent my life in prison. I have put five people in the grave. I am a very dangerous man.”

DENIED.
Poor Charlie can't get a break.

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Do you hate kids like I do?
Probably not.
Regardless, check out Cracked.com's 6 Biggest Fears of People Who Are Bad with Kids

WHAT Time Again - Asketh the AntiSports

My esteemed blogging colleague, the Nocturnal Slacker, notes that `it's that time again', in reference to baseball.  I started to answer his post but decided to keep it here at ThermionicEmissions, where no one will see it.

Right you are, Eric, it's that time.

It's definitely politics time.  I barely watch tv and can recite political commercials verbatim, including the schmaltzy Oven Mitt commercial about saving someone's daughter.  One wonders if further commercials will feature the Marvelous Mormon walking on water or some such nonsense.  [side question: do Mormons walk on water?]

But really, it's Sports Time too.  I can tell because the news is so full of news about Dem Fills (the Phillies in English) that it's positively nauseating.  It's not any particular network; they all suck.  When they get through being commercials for Americans Idle or Dancing with the Stars, they become commercials for the sports teams, including the actual places where the teams play.  There was a multi-day story recently, covering the new food at the stadium.

But that's not all, no sir.  You can't even watch the weather without constant reminders that Dem Fills are playing.  Every day on the onscreen calendar there's a little Phillies logo when the team is going to play.  It's not a weather forecast, it's a Phillies Forecast.  They even tell you what the temperature is likely to be for the first pitch.  I am nauseous.   They never mention what the weather will be for the polls, concerts, or much of anything else.  Not that they are capable of accurately forecasting that it will be light during the day, with continuing periods of dark at night.

After all this unending entertainment, we're usually treated to a shot of Dem Fills Fans; the semi-toothless, inebriated masses, complete with unintelligible accents and clad in Full Fills Regalia, yearning to hand over a week's salary for the chance to watch their team lose.  Everyone hates a hopeless optimist.

The only thing I love more than sports is Corporate Welfare, when the city or state kicks in money so the poor owners don't have to build their own stadiums.  Then charge twenty bucks to park.

Lots of our work reps offer us sports tickets.  Not one has ever offered anything interesting.

But that's why I'm the AntiSports.

{NOTE: this blog is unlikely to go viral in Philthydelphia}

inSecurity News for the Week

When the US Army found it difficult to locate IT people with the correct certifications, it did the only logical thing it could: lowered the requirements.

Hey, remember the break-in to the Utah Department of Health's Medicaid server?  It turns out the damage is just a teeny bit worse than suspected, to the tune of ten percent (280,000 Social Security numbers).  Ah, what's a decimal place or two?

The Department of Justice just seized more than $896,000 and seven domain names for selling counterfeit sports apparel.  Isn't it great to see your tax dollars hard at work (supporting large manufacturers)?

Just in case you thought the TSA could manage to stay out of the news for a day, another TSA worker has been charged with child porn.

Perhaps next time you buy a cell phone it will come with the new Broadcom chip that can help locate you to within centimeters! Won't it be nice to know that Faceyspaces can locate and market to you while you're in the mall or an underground parking facility?  Or worse?

Just in case you wondered why unmanned drones are being used by local police, check out this guy, who got arrested and will be suing.  No good will come of drones.


Dear Readers: please keep your systems patched, antivirused, and up to date.  Windows is releasing a boatload of fixes to their buggy operating system.  Java and Flash will now auto-update if you allow them to.  Regardless of whether you use linux or one of the inferior operating systems, you need to keep everything current.  This includes you 600,000 infected Macs.

Remember - the majority of hacks are caused by not patching.

This is Why People Hate Cell Phone Companies

Recently I read that cell phone companies had replaced car salesmen as the most hated retail experience in the world.  I am getting the idea that this was well-deserved.

I am the proud owner of a Samsung 10.1 Tablet.  I really like this device.  And the device really liked me, right up until last week, when it started taking forever to charge, then stopped working entirely.

No problem, thought I... I'll just call T-Mobile service.

No problem my buttocks.

T-Mobile service gets me to a person who asked good questions then promised to transfer me to a specialist who could deal with the issue.  Apparently if you say tablet, it throws service people into a tizzy.

Specialist mulls over the situation then informs me that T-Mobile is only responsible for the data service - not the hardware.  They'd need to transfer me to Samsung to deal with the problem.

They transferred me and Samsung promptly hung up on me, as if they knew who I was.  So I called back and got a tech whose computer refused to stay operational for any amount of time (he must have been using Windows).  He kept putting me on hold while he rebooted then put me on hold while he researched.  When I came off hold (temporarily), he asked me to boot up, pushing the power button while holding the Tractor Beam Button and standing on my left leg only.

It was at this point that I decided to stop being a mindless customer and start driving a little.  I asked how I was expected to boot up using the Tractor Beam Button if the device refused to boot up using the POWER button.


Oh.  So it's not working at all.

Yes, pretty much as I said when I first called.
[if there were a sound for eyes rolling, he would have heard it]

So my friendly Samsung tech told me what he was going to do for me (because I'm special, you know).  He was going to have me ship the device to Samsung.

What?

Ship the device to Samsung.

But it's under two months old.

Yes, ship the device to Samsung.  Allow seven business days for shipping to Samsung, twenty two business days for the repair, then five and a half business days for shipping back to the customer (me).

Ummmmm, no.   Have a nice day and all that.
I was slightly concerned about getting a visit from the FBI, in case Samsung had taken personally my suggestion to apply explosives to the device.

Several people around the office were watching the show with interest; perhaps due to my colorful language or the way the phone shot across the room when I hung it up.  Someone helpfully suggested getting in touch with the T-Mobile rep.

Ah, the T-Mobile rep.  I like her.  The woman understands the meaning of service.  So I emailed her and she sent back an 800 number for T-Mobile service.

The only problem was that the 800 number was no longer in service.  I told her so.
She suggested that perhaps I misdialed.  I'm not proud, so I tried again.  The number continued to be out of service, perhaps deliberately.  They did reference another number, which I called.

The Other Number took me straight to Sales, without an option for service.  When I asked the helpful person for service, he thought I meant phone service, not repair of the device.  Once that got straightened out, he sent me right to another Specialist.

And yes, the Specialist informed me that I needed to ship the tablet back to Samsung.

So I re-emailed my rep, stating that the number was indeed out of service.  Undaunted, she used her special powers to somehow make the line work and asked me for a ticket number so she could intervene on my behalf (Yay T-Mobile!).

You know what this means, right?  It means I have to call Samsung again, endure what they refer to as troubleshooting again, then agree to ship the device away until Two and a Half Men stops production.  So I did, carefully copying down my ticket number, which I sent to my rep.

The rep was thrilled that Samsung was going to exchange the defective tablet until I informed her that they were only repairing it - replacement was T-Mobile's job, according to Samsung.

I am not positive but I thought I heard the sound of a gunshot from the vicinity of my email.

He Went to Eleven

We mourn the passing of Jim Marshall, (OBE, 88), founder of Marshall Amps.
Strangely enough, he was the reason I have a dog called Marshall (who dedicates his candidacy for president to Jim's memory).

Whenever you see a band, behind them are huge black amps with a white script logo that says Marshall.  They're positively iconic.  Every guitar player has played one.  Most of the famous guitar players use them.  In the movie Spinal Tap, they spawned the joke about the amps going to eleven, causing amp manufacturers to make their amps go to eleven (instead of ten - "...it was one louder").

Jim Marshall's most famous user was Jimi Hendrix, who Jim referred to as `putting us on the map'.  Jimi played his amps almost as much as his guitar.  Jim was a drummer who opened his own shop and decided to make amps, as Fenders were expensive to import and most local amps were under-powered.  Using the know-how of Ken Bran (I believe), Marshall put out his own amps.  The company went on to become huge, like their amps.  One of Jim's students was Mitch Mitchell, Jimi's drummer.

The stories of Jim were legend: the man was a gentleman.  There is a great story about Pete Townsend wanting a very high powered amp with eight twelve-inch speakers, which Marshall made for him.  Pete's poor roadies almost revolted.

In the early days, there were only tubes (valves in the UK).  This served everyone well and continues to this day, although Marshall has ventured into solid state products and pedals.


Even the non-famous use the amps.  You know, like me.  I use my Marshall half-stack at all larger gigs.  The reason I don't use it at every gig is that I'm getting older and the amp is putting on weight.

[Cue wayback music]

It was the early eighties and I worked for a pro-audio house.  They had gotten a deal on a load of used Marshalls which had come off a UFO tour.  My job was to check out the load to make sure all of the amps worked.  Somewhere there's a picture of my guitar standing against ten full stacks of Marshalls.  It was a religious moment.

I took home a fifty watt half stack, simply because all guitar players needed a Marshall.  While examining a road case, I noticed there was a large, sprayed-over part that said PROPERTY OF ROBIN TROWER.  So my Marshall was used by UFO and at very least the road case was Robin Trower's.  It was a virtual brush with greatness.

Since it was a Marshall, it was way too loud for my parents' basement, as well as any show I played.  Since this was the eighties, there was only the Altair Attenuator and Scholz Power Soak available to lower the volume.  These devices became famous for blowing up amps.  I tried a Power Soak, which I referred to as Tone Soak and sold it quickly.

Since I can never leave anything alone, I opened the amp and installed a master volume control, which helped a little.  I read a lot on modifications and tried a few, resulting in a great sounding, gainy fifty watt amp.

I will own this amp long after I am not able to lift it anymore.  While I have plenty of other amps that I love (all with tubes), none will outdo the Marshall at what it does.  It was good enough for Jimi, Jeff Beck, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, Zappa, and it's good enough for me.

Last Minute Presidential Candidate

That picture over on the right side is not just some incredibly cute dog - that's MY dog, Marshall.
And Marshall would like to announce his candidacy for president.
Are you tired of the same old one party system?  Isn't it time for real change?
Wouldn't it be nice to vote for the cuter of all evils?

VOTE FOR MARSHALL

• It's time to put a Black Dog in the White House
• He couldn't be any worse
• Because Bo's Gotta Go!
• support the Spanieltarian party
• VP: Jesse Ventura or Larry Flynt (whoever responds first)

When elected, Marshall promises

• a cat in every pot
• will personally poo on anyone named Bush
• to balance the budget on the backs of the politicians
• will fart Congress out of existence
• full bed privileges for all pets
• CAT FOOD!
• to nuke any country that eats dogs (China is nervous)
• no socialized medicine for people or animals

Marshall did not reach this decision lightly.  After hearing the president question the need for the judicial branch to review his healthcare edict, he knew it was time to throw his collar in the ring.

What are the people saying about Marshall for president?

Piss on bush. Marshall does!

pure... genius.

He's got my vote:)

He is sooo cute.  I would probably vote for him !!!!!!!!!!

Send Marshall to Washington to restore family values, lick corruption, and take a bite out of crime.

VOTE MARSHALL!

Dog Scouts of America support Marshall!

Musical Stuff, Among Other Detritus

ZZ Top's touring!

As is Aerosmith.

Here is a cleaned-up film of a 1959 Fender factory tour.

Animal psychologists (no, really) discover music that pets prefer.
(Marshall likes Jeff Beck and the blues.)  I wonder how Zappa rates across species....

Internet activity 'to be monitored' under new UK laws...

This is ugly.  Once again, the populace willingly trades freedom for security (and gets neither).

US police using phone tracking as routine tool...

England may be a proving ground but the US always drives the point home.  Without oversight or warrants.
They further argue that cell tower data is not private.
Turn off your phones (yes, even while driving).

Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs...

They deserve each other.

REPORT: Fmr. KGB chief commits suicide...

"He shot himself seven times in the head then hid the gun."

Hookers 'cleaned off London's streets' ahead of Olympics...

So much for private enterprise.  Bloody limey elitists.

Dell agrees to buy thin-client company Wyse Technology

You'll get the same Wyse performance with Dell's non-existent sales and service.

Somewhat belated: Will we be ruled by April Fools?

When You've Got Too Much Time on Your Hands

While waiting for my wife to return from her weekendly rounds, I was a little bored.  I started thinking of ways to pass too much time... feel free to chime in:

• Watch NCAA games and try to spot the Jewish players
• 
  
• Listen to Prairie Home Companion from the beginning and wait for it to get funny
• 
  
• Watch `To Catch a Predator' until someone says they came to have sex with an underage child
• 
  
• Switch tv channels until you find a non-reality show