lefty Does Office 2010

They say that talking about yourself in the third person is the first sign of insanity.
So be it.

I have one computer at home and work that runs Windows.  I use Outlook for corporate email and calendaring.  We are running all manner of Office versions at work.

There's something called the 80/20 rule, whereby 80% of the people use 20% of the functions of certain software.  For once, I am very clearly in the majority.  The air is strange up here.

Quite honestly, I was pretty happy with Office 2000.  I installed Office 2003 a while back, after seeing the horror that was Office 2007.  Again, I use basic calendaring, email, and word processing.  Over on the linux side, I use AbiWord and Thunderbird (both also available for Windows) and they handle all my needs.

I'm forced to migrate to a newer Office version and decided to go to 2010.  Some would call it upgrading.  I call it downgrading, as is frequently the case with Microsoft products.  The first thing I noticed is that the install took forever on my current HP desktop.  It sucked up all available resources, frequently refreshing the icons on the desktop.   And you know that when it was done, it required a reboot.  Linux doesn't.  When it rebooted, it still had more to do and kept me waiting a while before the ctl-alt-delete screen came up.  This screams bloatware right off the bat.

Standard behavior for most software is to upgrade the program's icons.  Instead, it deleted the old icons and failed to replace them.  Odd.

When I brought up Outlook, it did what all annoying software seems to do, which is maximize itself to take up an entire screen.  This is by no means restricted to Microsoft - it just annoys the hell out of me.

The part I was dreading most showed up immediately: the ribbon bar (or whatever it's called).  To my friends at Microsoft, this was a dunderheaded move.  I don't design software but you don't take things and hide them or move them around randomly, as you did with Office.  It simply confuses your user base.  A prime example of this is Windows 7.  I don't care what your studies say or your color preferences are, hiding stuff is bad (mkay???).

Fortunately you can hide the ribbon bar, but this is of only limited usefulness.  I kind of enjoy the tiny icon bars that are across the top of every piece of software I use on both platforms.  Huge icon bars are fine for Macs and the visually impaired but not for people who have to use Windows.  Is there a replacement ribbon bar or perhaps a way to go smaller?  [Research needed, lefty]

Trying to actually use the ribbon bar is another problem.  Too much there.  Not intuitive.  Too much looking around for things that have been hidden.  Again, not a smart idea, MS.

A quick look at Word echoes my Ribbon Rant.  Seems ok otherwise.

What I do like about Outlook is the ability to have more information available onscreen.  On earlier versions I used, calendar was always a separate screen.  Having it available with email makes it more useful, especially with larger and/or multiple screens.

One way to do away with ribbons (partially) is to customize the Quick Access bar.  It does not support all icons, though.

I have noticed a curious lag when typing in Outlook that was not there in 2003.
Bloated.


More as I find it...


UPDATE:  Excel 2010 keeps failing to respond randomly while working on spreadsheets.  I have Googled and tried safe mode, to no avail.  I have had it with this bloated, ribbon-strangled piece of... software.  I'm upgrading to Office 2003.

Hospitals are Bad for Your Health

My nephew had a spot of bad luck lately.  While riding his cycle, he attempted to take out some lady's windshield with his body.  He succeeded and the results were most unattractive.  Fortunately he's alive and not at all hideously disfigured.  He was taken to the local trauma center for the county, where they have taken great care of him.  If he ever wonders how people feel about him, he needs only to discover the flood of people in the waiting room the night of the accident.  Even the hospital employees were impressed.

Mrs. leftystrat went to visit her nephew the other day and liked the place so much, she decided to stay a while.  Somebody noticed her getting wobbly and they gave her a free ride to the emergency room.  Two event-filled days later, she was discharged with no idea what happened.  The doctors were clueless and the discharge summary was riddled with errors and inconsistencies.

This was the same hospital.

We have a genuine healthcare crisis- this is no secret.  It's badly broken and waiting for collapse.  Meanwhile we pay and pay (recurring theme, regardless of industry).  I have some suggestions for hospitals, doctors, and patients to make things more efficient, hopefully resulting in less cost.


HOSPITALS / DOCTORS

• Talk to the patient.  Explain things concisely.  Be sure they understand.  Don't talk down.
• When you transfer a patient, WRITE THINGS DOWN.  COMMUNICATE.  The new unit will then know what happened and can treat the patient accordingly.
• Don't be an ass - the situation is tough enough already.
• Don't give canned/useless answers.  The patient is (hopefully) not an idiot.
• "What's the matter?" is not a confidence-inspiring question to ask family.
• When you are told the information is in the chart, don't tell the patient it isn't or you don't have it.
• Outside doctors prescribed meds for the patient: you should dispense them.  If you have a problem, contact the prescribing doctor - don't ignore the situation.
• Every action should not involve six hours of waiting for a doctor or paperwork.

PATIENTS

• Question everything.
• If you are not satisfied with an answer, ask again until you are.
• If the person you ask can't provide an answer, ask for someone who can.
• Hold staff to promises or deadlines.
• Question everything.
• Follow up.  If you didn't get the test results, make a call.
• If you aren't able, have a spouse, friend or family member act as your advocate.
• Keep all of your vital information up to date for you and your advocate.
• Question everything.

Things have changed drastically over the years.  People used to consider doctors infallible and unquestionable.  That might have worked before HMOs but now it's a recipe for bad health.  Many doctors and staff are horribly overworked and might miss something important.  Your health is YOUR responsibility - ignore it at your own peril.

If you are a passive patient, things will just happen to you.  You could stay in the hospital days longer than necessary.  Your care may be substandard.  You may receive unwanted, painful procedures that aren't necessary.  You may get the wrong meds or insufficient meds.  Know your meds and all important information.  Write it down. 

Example: My wife spent a day at the mercy of the hospital, largely getting nowhere.  The following day she started asking questions and taking down names.  The care improved exponentially and she was discharged by noon.  Even the head nurse complimented her on her ability to advocate for herself and make things happen.  Things happened for her on her schedule, not the doctors'.  This was all because she acted, even though great care should be standard.

Do you want to be a passive patient or do you want good healthcare?

Is There an Antivirus That Doesn't Suck?

Ok, let me qualify my question...  an enterprise antivirus that's easy to administer from a central point, doesn't require ridiculous amounts of rebooting or research, accurately detects machines across the enterprise, can push the install reliably, and doesn't take up every last resource being the end-all of multitasking be-all antivirus/antimalware apps?

My experience would suggest there is not.

When I arrived in the Twilight Zone, no one had any idea about antivirus.  There were a few rogue installs, probably not legitimate.  I got to work making sure every desktop had antivirus.  Back then, you had to update it yourself weekly (this was McAfee).  As usual, the human element screwed everything up and in spite of weekly reminders, people didn't update their clients.

Then we switched to Norton.  Symantec is the biggest nightmare I have ever experienced.  Whether it's antivirus, backup, or whatever else, Symantec will screw it up.  When the client became so bloated it would no longer perform efficiently, we switched.  Or rather, we tried.  Uninstalling NAV/SAV was so convoluted a process that sometimes we could have saved time re-imaging the machine.  Symantec had instructions to accomplish this task, and when I say instructions, I mean twelve different sets of instructions on twelve different web pages, none the same set.  I'll hazard a guess that even Symantec can't uninstall their own products.

We messed around with other products until we found Kaspersky.  The price was right, the client wasn't bloated, and the admin console was full-featured.  Ironically, when you called tech support for Symantec, you got India.  When you called Kaspersky, the Russian company, you got a Boston accent.  At its worst, a Boston accent still trumps an India accent (to our American ears, anyway).

Kaspersky has this great concept by which you can deploy an entire installation to a pc remotely.  Furthermore, it could remove other antiviruses.  Reality, on the other hand, was something entirely different.  It could not remove lint from a desktop.  And the install package blue screened almost every pc to which we deployed it.

Aside from that, it was ok.

Regardless of Bostonian accents, we were unable to get the install package working correctly.  We discovered that you had to deploy the Network Agent first (reboot), then the client (reboot).   After doubling our work, it only blue screened a few pc's, which was livable.

After somehow managing to get Kaspersky deployed across the enterprise, the admin console became unresponsive.  We had to develop tricks to keep it moving, eventually requiring a rebuild (HINT: use external SQL instance).

Mind you, this entire post deals exclusively with administration... I don't have a thing to say about the desktop clients.

Another reason I like Kaspersky is for the mispronunciations.  We've heard `Kaprinsky' and `Kasper Sky'.

Unfortunately the recent price increase started to put Kaspersky out of our reach.   I have been using Trend on our servers in order to have something additional but that also went through the roof.  After shopping around some more, we shook our heads sadly and decided we had no choice but to continue with Kaspersky.

After paying up, I started our wide-installation/update process.  And discovered that the `new' Kaspersky console sucked just as badly as the old one.  It only looked a little different.  The pc discovery function wasn't entirely useful, in that it kept pulling up old entries and failing for various reasons on install.  I also had to locate the new versions of installs, which don't seem to match the consumer varieties.

I've had it.  This is barely one step above going to every desk in the company and installing/upgrading manually.

If you've had positive experiences in the enterprise (and you haven't), please let me know.


As far as viruses, I haven't had one; either on the Windows machine or the linux machines.  I am completely protected on Windows but I surf very safely.

The Philadelphia Curse - It's Personal

As we know, I have company in from out of town this week.   As we also know, Philthydelphia's weather is highly variable, to be polite.  In fact, Philly and the surrounding suburbs are going to shut things down for a day and have a huge celebrity concert for the purpose of getting the funds to purchase a real climate.

The weather and I go way back.  I have ancient memories of going on vacation when I was tiny and having it rained out.  Ever since then, I've felt it has been personal.  Douglas Adams [The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy] has a great bit about a person who gets rained on wherever he goes.  He doesn't realize he is actually a Rain God.  Read the Dirk Gently novels.  Everyone should read Douglas Adams regardless.

Validation is a particularly sweet thing for me, especially with the high number of odd things that tend to happen around me.  So it was welcome when the folks at work started noticing that it wasn't, in fact, totally in my head.  Over a period of years people noticed that we could count on rain when I took off work to visit the zoo.  We could have a heat wave the likes of which would make Arizona jealous and if I took off Wednesday, it would rain.  Rain wouldn't appear in the forecast in any way, but it would rain.  One year for my birthday, my coworkers got me zoo tickets and rain ponchos [Note: not Sears ponchos].

I would like to ask Douglas Adams if I might be a Rain God too, but he had the temerity to die a number of years back, making contact all but impossible.  Lacking any other subject matter experts, I am left to wonder alone.

So I have company in from out of town this week.  After brief consultation, it was decided that I would take off work Friday so we could go to the zoo.

You see where this is going, right?

On the work calendar, I noted that I would be out Friday and to BANK ON RAIN.  

I have to tell you that the Universe is not stupid.  When I took off work and promised not to go to the zoo, it did not rain. When I took off and said I wasn't going to the zoo but intended to go anyway, it rained.

My poor friends from out of town manage to get the absolute worst of weather every time they arrive.  Usually it's the ridiculously high temperatures of summer combined with the ridiculously high humidity of summer.  In actual fact, spring and fall have been declared null in Pennsylvania, due to budget cuts.  This time my guests have been treated to our second record heatwave of the summer.  Yesterday it hit one hundred.  If you sit outside without moving, you will dissolve into whatever you're sitting upon.

But this time, the Universe had another trick up its sleeve.  Normally the forecast would be for high temperatures and sunshine, yet it would rain.  This time the Universe one-upped me....  as soon as I took Friday off, the forecast changed to rain and thunderstorms all day.   Yes, Victoria, it is personal.

Did you ever feel Universally f-d?

----------------------------------------

If I were really smart, I'd charge people to make it rain.  For several hundred dollars per acre, I would take off work for the day to go to the zoo, hence rain.  Unfortunately I can't concentrate my powers anywhere but where I live.  Perhaps I could get paid to relocate for the day and make it rain there.

Then I truly would be a Rain God.

Complaints from Pets and General Grumbling

Hello, I am General Grumbling.
[salute]

In no particular order, here are some things:

In addition to the visit from the county sheriff's office, we heard from the SPCA.  The dog and cat are apparently quite upset and have filed a complaint (why not, everyone else has):

• they are upset because their air conditioner is never set below seventy degrees and they can't operate the remote
• the cat is upset because the dog has his own pool
• there is not enough room on the couch for both to lay in the path of their fan

So you're probably saying to yourself, "It must be horrible in that house."

You're right.

In other news, I got a new corporate manual at work to sign.  We have policies on racism, false medical billing, drugs, and a section on bodily fluids but we don't have two words on acceptable computer use.

The Big Boss saw our last desktop policy and ordered it removed because he didn't like it.  No amount of meetings, pleadings or communications has produced results: we have no computer policy.

But at least we have a bodily fluids policy.

TODAY'S BEST HEADLINE:

Weiner Pulls Out

Things I Have Learned from Watching COPS

• Your policeman, soldier man and assaknot don't give you no break.
• No matter what the crook is caught with, `Dat not mines'.  If the police pull it our of their pants, the pants aren't theirs.  If they were driving, the car isn't theirs.
• People do not have needles, handguns, hand grenades or rocket launchers in their pockets.
• Police need to give every order two or three times, in their loudest voice, before people understand.
• Men with mullets commit more crime than anyone else.
• You have the right to remain silent, but you most likely won't.
• No matter how serious the crime, before going into the back of the police car, every criminal needs a cigarette.
• Inner Circle, who sings the theme song, just put out their second release.
• If there is an attractive woman on COPS, she is a meth addict (this might say more about me than them).  If there is an attractive policewoman, she was a minority hire.
• If it's 132+Bush, I've got them at gunpoint.
• `Put your hands behind your back' means `flail about wildly' in Criminal.
• Men never pick up prostitutes - they offer them rides.
• Names like Mitsuo Goto and Sandy Emiko Itao are in the credits.
• Nothing good ever happens in a trailer park.
• When the police dispatcher says `man with a gun,' the call will be about a woman hiding pork chops in her pants.
• Albuquerque is not a safe place for a transvestite truck driver to run around in a leopard leotard and lipstick, looking (and feeling) pretty.

Yeah, COPS is my one guilty pleasure.  This admission is particularly ironic in light of my recent visit from the county sheriff's office.  There I sat, watching COPS, when there was a knock at the door.  The fellow there, with the large gun, asked if I was me (which I was) and mentioned that he had a warrant because of an unpaid ticket.


Yes, certain townships within the county send the sheriff out for one unpaid ticket.  Let's face it, the reason I got the ticket in the first place was because that particular township uses tickets as a revenue stream, so it makes sense that they'd send someone to my house.


I will soon have a court date and will report accordingly.   And just in case you're curious, this is all over a parking issue.

HTC One - Is it the One?

I have a long history with smartphones, from the venerable Treo 180 all the way up to last year's winner, the Sensation.  Quite frankly, the Sensation was a sensation.  I'd have to spend way longer than we have today to find things with which I was not happy.  It was snappy as hell and did the job, which, for me, has a lot to do with making phone calls.

Unfortunately I am burdened with T-Mobile through work, therefore I have dropped calls and bad coverage.  This is not a fault of the phone, though.  Since the contract on the Sensation was up, everyone was getting new phones at work.  Being T-Mobile, the selection was limited and laughable.

T-Mobile has a reputation of being way behind the times with their offerings.  The only standout candidate was the HTC One, therefore it was the only choice.  T-Mobile doesn't really care what phones you want: you get what they offer, which isn't a lot, especially on the high end.

The reviews were largely positive, as checked at androidforums [they were just hacked - change your password!].  I even located a few people who had migrated from the Sensation and were happy.

The One is physically larger than the Sensation but much lighter.  I like larger but don't care about weight.  The screen is bright and sharp - it's a winner.  As snappy as the Sensation was, the One is faster.  Faster never hurts.  The speed improvement is actually more marked than the last desktop upgrade I did.

I purchased a nice case with belt clip and kickstand so I'm off to the races.  The wife agrees about the screen.  I installed Angry Birds for my nephews and Yahtzee for her, so time will tell.

I read good things about the battery, which lasted over two days on a full charge.  My total battery time will vary from yours, probably a lot, because I do quite a bit of optimizing to the system.  Android Ice Cream Sandwich allows you to go into APPLICATIONS and turn off most programs, especially the annoying crapware that comes with all phones.  It was a real joy to spend a few minutes making sure Faceyspaces, Twitter, HTC apps and Google Movies don't start up.  Email is manual only.  No live wallpaper, GPS, location or much else runs, saving quite a bit of battery for what I want my phone to be doing.  A few days back I posted something on the steps I take to save battery life and be a bit more private in my phone use - it's worth reading.


WHEN DUMPING YOUR OLD PHONE

Yeah, yeah, lefty - you're a security and privacy geek.  Why does any of this matter?

Because you don't want any identifiable information left on your phone when you give it back or away.
First make a backup, if you haven't already.  This is very important for your data, not to mention transferring it to your new phone.   Your phone has the option to back up programs to Google (I believe this is the default but please check for yourself).  What this means is that if you allow it, when you get your new phone, it will automatically install the same apps (from Play) that you had on the old one.  It will not restore the data.

Again, it will not restore the data.  This is up to you.  It will not restore any of the data, programs not installed through Play, music, or contacts not synched through Google already.

Since I am not Google's biggest fan (to be polite), I backed everything up to a computer or two.  Android Assistant allows one to back up all apps, which can be imported/reinstalled on the new phone (or just go back to Play and reinstall them).  The wonderful linux command rsync will sync the backup with the new phone and POOF, you're off.  Windows users can COPY and PASTE.

The absolute last thing you need to do is restore your old phone back to factory new (and wipe the SD card, if applicable).  Buried deep within the menus is a command to do this.  Since all phones are different, there are no generic instructions I can provide (Google is your friend).  There will also be a way to restore the phone to factory via rebooting and a key combination (Sensation uses VOLUME DOWN and POWER).  Make sure you delete (or better, wipe) the internal card(s) to completely remove all of your data.  Undeleting is easy, so keep that in mind.   You want to return the phone in factory state so that nothing of yours remains.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Since it's a little larger, it seems to sit funny on its clip but this isn't a deal breaker.  It's definitely louder than the Sensation, but the Sensation's audio sucked.  There is some audio enhancement available on the One but it only works with the internal player (not interested, thanks).  I suggest finding a nice media player and avoiding the Google ones (Google Phone Home).  I'm waiting for VLC (now in beta) to get finished, as that's what I use on all my computers, regardless of operating system.

No complaints about phone calls or clarity from anyone and it sounds fine on my end.  Haven't had a chance to check it out in the sunlight yet, as I don't get out too often :)  Sunlight is the enemy of all displays so far (not to mention my eyes in the morning).

I used to save battery life by dumping the stock HTC launcher (and Sense) and going with a light launcher, like Zeam.   Thus far, I'm not sure Zeam works properly with the One.  It tends to make screen real estate smaller by putting an option bar at the bottom.

There's a cool `app' called No Wallpaper, which you can use to make your background black.  This works perfectly for me and doesn't eat battery life like live wallpaper.  It also enhances the display.


HUH?

My only serious complaint at this point is that HTC(?) decided to get rid of the MENU key.  It seems a complete waste of space when it appears on the screen.  Either I'm missing something or this is really dunderheaded.

Also of questionable value are the decisions to make the battery non user replaceable and the internal card the only card.  The card shares space with the operating system, leaving about ten gigs of usable space, period.  There is no facility for another or external card.



I'm looking forward to more use of this phone and will provide details as I come across them.  So far it's a winner.

I Fought the Keurig and the Keurig Won

Even paranoids have enemies.
Sometimes it is personal.

A few years back, things seemed really dark.  Ok, things were really dark.  Weird stuff used to happen to me.  After a while it not only seemed personal, it was.  Whenever I went to a restaurant, I wouldn't get the right food or wouldn't get served.  My brother, the professional wiseass, asked me to stand with another group at the restaurant so he'd get seated.  It rained every time I took off work to go to the zoo (my coworkers bought me tickets and a raincoat for my birthday).  All I had to do was get in any line to bring it to a screeching halt.

My cars, always land yachts, were invisible.  No one saw me.  People would cut in front of me as if I didn't exist.  Night or day.  My wife had it even worse... people would cut across lanes just to hit her.  We were asshole magnets behind the wheel (and in person, but that's a different story for a different blog).

This was documented by outside parties.  A nephew once sat there amazed and said we weren't making it up - he was seeing it for himself.  He thought we were kidding.

Anyway, things improved.  I don't know whether it was voodoo, chanting, Santeria, or the horde of gypsy mutant psychics I kept on the payroll, but I was most grateful for the turnaround.

Every now and then, little things start to pop up that make me wonder if I'm headed back to the Dark Place.  My wife just shakes her head and says I live in the Dark Place regardless.

I don't want to think things are headed back and for the most part, they aren't.  It's just this damn coffee machine.

Work has a long and storied history of coffee and coffee machines.  I work with a bunch of hardcore coffee snobs and regular coffee junkies, as well as one or two heretics who don't like coffee.  We started off with company-provided coffee, which is swill (not that we didn't appreciate the effort).  Then someone brought in a Mr. Coffee.  Never satisfied, I brought in a grinder, as one cannot appreciate coffee from a can or any other form that isn't a bean.  The downside became apparent immediately: in spite of being neat freaks to the point of needing treatment, my coworkers wouldn't clean the coffee pot.

Since I came in early, I made most of the coffee.  This was obviously a problem with a dirty pot.  It was an even bigger problem when the pot was dark and hairy (like me).  I have `organizational issues' (read: slob) but it was important not to brew coffee with dirty implements.  After I got tired of cleaning the pot, I went back to company-provided coffee.

Time passed and Coffee Fever intensified.  Stupidly, I brought in more beans.  We went to locate the coffee make and couldn't.  Yes, one of our clinically insane neat freaks cleaned up and the coffee maker had disappeared into eternity (along with the coworker, thankfully).  This is why I maintain that optimism gets you nowhere.


Finally someone got a deal on a Keurig machine.  These are the self-contained magical boxes into which you put a little plastic cup and fill the reservoir with water, providing you with the magic elixir at work.  And the best part of this is that you don't have to clean the infernal machine.  Of course you do have to fill it up with water, a task that almost completely escapes my coworkers, in spite of the extremely bright blue flashing light that says ADD WATER, IMBECILE.  And running the odd cycle of vinegar to clean the machine out.

The Keurig sufficed for about a week until I wanted to give up again.  The range of coffees available for it produced watery brown liquid, suitable only for very sweet old ladies and certain female coworkers who enjoy the flavoring more than the coffee.  It took a few weeks to discover coffee with names like JET FUEL and TUMMY ROT, which were right up my alley.

It was nearly Coffee Nirvana except that we still weren't using real beans.  I purchased an expensive adapter designed exactly for this purpose, which failed miserably.  We had one of our more scientific and plumbing-minded coworkers attack the adapter and the problem for the better part of an hour, to no avail.  In fact, the net effect was a sound that made us think the machine had a prostate problem.  And water all over the place.

A few months later we located a cheaper adapter which almost worked.  Gone were the prostate noises and water spurting but it still wasn't strong enough.  The biggest surprise [wait for it!] was that no one would clean the adapter after they used it.  In fact, the little green thingie still sits in back of the Keurig, dirty from the last time someone used it.  I gave up.

So anyway, I set out to describe the current Keurig war.   Once we discovered coffee of the proper strength, it was pretty much smooth sailing.  When I say pretty much, I mean the problems started shortly thereafter.  And naturally they were my problems.

When I'd complain that something didn't work for me in a browser, a coworker would always say "It works for me."  It became a departmental mantra and extended itself to the Keurig.  The problems, like all problems, started early on a Monday morning.  I would arrive and innocently attempt to make a cup of coffee.  This was my first mistake.

Most of the time, the machine would just sit there and stare at me.  I could even hear it laughing at me, very quietly and internal-like.  It wouldn't do a thing - not even blink a light.

So I started powering it up and `letting it warm up'.  Sometimes it would stare at me.  Other times it would indicate that it had made coffee but not actually produce any.

On Monday mornings, I took to running a cup of water through, just for fun.  This worked, provided I didn't try to put a coffee pod in the machine.

After a while, it became Sport.  Several coworkers in the area would stop what they were doing to see what the machine would do to me on that particular morning.  They never hesitated to mention that it worked for them.

Just yesterday the machine tried to give me nothing again, claiming it already had.  It was the coffee equivalent of Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch.  So I tried outsmarting it by hitting the button again.  Unfortunately the machine was too smart for me and refused to acknowledge the button press.

Thinking quickly, I pulled up the handle, to make the machine think I had put in a different coffee pod, and hit the button yet again.  The machine's response was to give me a cup of coffee, plus the cup it didn't give me the first time.  My cup literally ranneth over.

Of course that meant war.

I procured another coffee pod but waited enough time to make the Keurig think I was someone else.  Quickly inserting the pod, I hit the button.   To my great surprise (not to mention the applause of everyone assembled), I had achieved coffee!  After only three or four tries!

Flushed with success, I took the rest of the day off.

Great Groping News, Batman!

A school bus driver, recently convicted of groping girls on his bus, blamed caffeine for causing the groping.

This may explain a lot for me.  I drink a lot of coffee and soda and feel like groping women all the time.


As if we haven't turned enough of our lives over to our good friends at the TSA, it has been announced that airport screeners may request drink samples (after they're done groping you, presumably).

But only at the exits of airport bars.


Lawyers have already drafted 13,000 pages of new regulations on Obamacare.

The government expands again.  And again, at our expense.


It's Day Six of the power outage and there are still half a million without power.

If my department's disaster plan were this non-existent, we'd all be fired.  What would happen during a real tragedy?




Big Sis Strikes Again!  If you love liberty, the Department of Homeland Security considers you a terrorist.

Oh dear.. now all of my readers and I share that designation....



But today's BEST news is that July 9 is NATIONAL NO BRA DAY!
Please celebrate accordingly.  And send pictures.

President Giveaway Strikes Again

He gave away billions to the auto manufacturers.

He gave away billions to the bankers.

And now he's giving a huge gift to the insurance companies: mandatory health insurance.

He sure is generous with our money.

I am having great difficulty understanding the Supreme Court upholding a mandate that we purchase health insurance.

Take into account this is the same group that did such a wonderful job with Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security.


Make no mistake: this will cost us.  Obama lies like no president before him, even his spiritual father, Bush (President Stupid).  He has grown the government like no president before him.   Everyone who voted for him should hold him to his promises.

Make no mistake: healthcare is broken.
But government is the problem, not the solution.

Of Colons, Ankles and Guitar Shows: The Big Pig Gig

I am currently recovering from my band's latest venture: the 2012 Pig Roast.  This is a huge neighborhood venture that runs for blocks and features three (alleged) musical acts (we headline).

Last year there were about 350 people.  A preliminary count has this year at about 500-600 people!  This year featured popcorn, cotton candy and slushie machines in addition to the usual fire engine, arcade, and enough food to choke an entire county.  The only thing missing was a rabbi to bless the pig.

I got there early to check things out and was met by interesting news: one of my band members had a painful intestinal flareup and another broke his ankle.  Yes indeed, this was going to be a typical show. We were thinking of changing our (highly variable) name to The Infirmary.   Further, we're going to purchase our singer a wheelchair, helmet, and training wheels, in case he has to walk anywhere else.

The sight of our singer was truly a sad one.  A grown man, sitting onstage on a stool, with his casted leg on pillows on another stool.  But the show must go on, right?  Trying to get this fellow onstage was a full band effort.  We had to set up his guitar and amp too.  There was rampant speculation that he broke his ankle just to get out of setting up and tearing down but I prefer to believe he's made of marshmallow and simply broke it stepping off a curb, as he explained it to me.

The stage was bigger (unlike our pay), which was good, as we were bigger (and older).  We got everything set up in good time, with help from good friends and relatives.  It looked almost professional.  My absolute favorite was the forgotten cymbal stand.  Someone brought a lamp out of their house and they attached a cymbal to it.  Brilliance in action.

The grill items were the first up and a wonderful breakfast.  Entertainment started with the burgers and dogs, via the perennial opener, a very entertaining fellow who was actually plucked from a train depot somewhere.  Next up was the actual pig, along with a 17-year-old acoustic guitarist with his own songs.  He would have gone well had we not noticed him putting his water on our keyboardist's Very Expensive Synthesizer.  "If I see a ring, I will shove that water bottle....(etc)".  For some reason there was a small gaggle of small children dancing onstage.  They had no business being there but no one seemed to care, least of all the kid with the guitar.  I thought they would have made excellent footballs but they weren't onstage during my set.

It was a personal best day for me in that I forgot almost nothing.
Except for sunblock - OUCH.  It still hurts.  Serves me right for leaving my house.

There was a pie-eating contest for little children, much to my wife's dismay.  She wanted to join in.

Shortly thereafter it was time for the Old Fellas to take the stage.  And take the stage we did.  As we were just about to start the first song, the singer's guitar failed to make sound.  I figured we were off to a great start and we were.  Seconds later my amp refused to make sound, for no apparent reason.  After much cursing, screaming and redface, we were into the first song.

[Mental note:  Don't rush out of the gate and use every ounce of energy on the first song, lest there be no energy left for the rest of the set.]  So naturally I ran out the gate like I was on fire, leaving little for the rest of the songs.

In spite of the occasional equipment malfunctions and human malfunctions, we were very well-received.  Also well-received was the nuclear green construction tshirt that I located for the event.  My wife said people kept walking by and commenting on it.  You'd think they had never seen a shirt that glows before.

Young kids were applauding old rock and roll.  People were happy to hear Hendrix!  A few coworkers showed up and were amused/amazed to discover they have a rather animated guitar player in their midst.

All in all it was a great feeling and two great sets.

Philly weather sucks in general.  Most pig roasts have temps in the high eighties with humidity in the high nineties.  We got very lucky in that the temps were in the low eighties with humidity in the high nineties.  Since I'm highly mobile onstage, I sweat like a faucet.  Between songs it was a rush to wipe the sweat out of my eyes and suck down cold water.  Later on I discovered the slushie machine, which made being onstage more wonderful.

A totally unbiased observer (my wife) said I was on.  I'll take that.

After we finished, it was dark.  Takedown was painful, as we have no roadies (or groupies).  My equipment put on at least fifty additional pounds while it was onstage.  The definition of depressing is a car in the driveway full of equipment to be unloaded after midnight.


FOR GUITARISTS ONLY

Since this was a huge outdoor gig, I brought my monster, the Marshall half stack.  Guitars were the pukeburst Strat, the Historic Les Paul, and my first Strat.  For the first time I got through two long sets with one guitar.  No strings or other breakages.

Effects were Voodoo Vibe --> Dano Compressor --> Dano CTO1 Overdrive --> Boost --> Rocktron powered talkbox.  The boost was new - can't remember the brand but it had the cutest Japanese graphics.  It worked out well for solos as the amp was set slightly dirty.

For once I got no complaints about band members being able to hear me.  I'm the only guitar player in the entire East who isn't too loud.  Perhaps the entire US.  It is said that volume is inversely proportional to talent (but I make no such claim).


And hey - how was the Philly Guitar Show this time?
Well, since you asked... some idiot forgot to write down the date and managed to miss it.

Hey lefty - how's the new band?
Great, thanks!  I have to learn four complete sets of material by July 4th with only one band practice.
The first gig should prove..... interesting.  We're playing a large swim club.  If anyone pisses me off, I'm throwing a toaster into the pool.

some old dudes