Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Honey, the Dog's Acting Like a Dog Again

I'm warning you: this one's going right over the top.  Those of you with weak constitutions or a questionable stomach had better get out while the getting's good.  In fact, if you have eaten within the past twelve hours, it may be a good idea to avoid this post (some would say this entire blog).


I love my dog.  Most people who have met Marshall love him too.  He's got his own fan club at work.  If I could attract the women he can, I'd have no time to type (or eat).

Marshall is the most dangerous of animals - a smart cocker.  If even a small fraction of humanity put the same effort into eliminating poverty that Marshall puts into locating and shredding used tissues, the planet would be a much better place.   He will watch you carefully.  If you do not get up and throw out the tissue immediately, he sees where it is.  If you stand up and happen to forget it, it's his.  Even after you throw it out there's a fair probability he will locate and shred it to pieces all over the carpet.  We had to purchase trash cans with lids so he couldn't get into them.  This worked incredibly well until he figured how to pop the lid.  As far as we know, there's no such thing as a cocker-proof trash can (except perhaps the ones outside of the house).

All cockers are crazy; it's in the breed standard.  Every rescue cocker (Marshall is our third) has had abandonment issues.  His latest trick is to form a spaniel seat belt across your midsection so you cannot get up.  He loves the car and sticks his snout out the window.  My wife has to lock the window to keep him from rolling it down all the way.  I keep reminding her to never leave him in the car with the keys, lest he drive off.

Another of Marshall's recent favorites is kettle corn.  He has gone through about four huge bags of the stuff.  He waits for one of the humans to put the bag down and leave the room.  Faster than you can say you're screwed, Marshall has the bag ripped open and is sinking his entire head into the popcorny goodness.  You have to get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart this dog.

I have previously mentioned Marshall's otherworldly drive for cat food.  It is his favorite substance in the entire universe - even more than tissues.  He will spend hours at the kitchen door, waiting for the cat to open it so he can lick out the tiniest morsel of left-over cat food in the bowl.  Then it's the trash can.

Marshall does not do a ton of really doggy things, aside from the obvious, so we occasionally have to remind ourselves that he is, in fact, still a dog.  So imagine my surprise when I had to walk in the kitchen, normally to drag him away from the cat bowl or trash, but found him chomping away happily. He was enjoying cat food but in the pre-processed sense of the term.  I yelled, he ignored me.

My relationship with the cat is more of an adversarial one.  As the wife explains it, he's a tremendously good cat but when he goes evil, watch out.  He has decided to start peeing around the litter box, as opposed to inside it, for no apparent reason.  At one point this was traced to an infection but he's fine now - he is just being a f-er.  Now the bugger has two litter boxes, which is starting to turn into two snack boxes if we're not watching Marshall closely.

I am simply not interested in pulling used tissues out of my dog's mouth, nor am I thrilled with having to drag the little monster out of the cat box.

His new nickname:  Poop Dog.
Rejected names: Poop Doggie Dog, Shit Hound, Defecation Dog, Cat Box Crook, and of course, Shit Head.

It's not that we don't feed the little so and so: he gets exactly what the vet said to feed him, plus tissues, plus trash, plus small bits of cat food left in the bowl.  The last time we took the vet a stool sample, she wondered about the large amount of shredded tissue included....

It would be much easier to simply go with the flow than to chase Marshall away.  If we move the cat box up, he'd only figure out a way to get it, possibly further defiling the carpets.  Perhaps we should just surrender to the inevitable and help the Cat Poop Industry try to market this new delight....

Tired of your dog stealing cat food?  Try new Poop Treats - the Canine Delight!
Concerned about the dangers of pet food?  Feed it to Rover pre-processed!
Fido Fudge - Straight from the Cat's Ass.
Spot Snacks 
Brown Eye Treats
Pre-Processed Purina
Poopy Chow
Poop Tarts

Please submit your suggestions - Poop Marketing is a brand new industry that needs your help desperately.

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