Lemon Curry?

Japan releases dog poo app.  I just like saying dog poo app.

• The decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to US President Barack Obama in 2009 failed to live up to expectations, the committee's ex-secretary has said. Their awards to Iran and Mussolini also failed somewhat.

The internet is positively abuzz with news of a Faceyspaces Dislike button. Hit it! We dislike Faceyspaces!

• We all know how I feel about the president. However, he pulled one on the pope that has me howling: he invited a transvestite, a pro-abortion nun and a pair of gay bishops to the White House when the pope visits. This was described as a stunning show of political indecorum. More indecorum in the White House, I say!

Have humans made dogs stupid? I had no idea it was catching. Are they watching reality tv now?

• Snake with no mate gives birth for second time. Uh-oh... a second virgin birth, the pope visiting, and Microsoft has developed its own linux.......IT'S THE END TIMES!!!!

I have a friend who somehow became afflicted with children. While visiting one day, I noticed something really odd (in spite of my complete lack of child-rearing skills): Mom would tell one of the children to go to the bathroom, almost out of the blue.

About fifteen years down the line, when she's caught and the inevitable interviews with the neighbors all reveal what a nice child she was, the psychologists hired by the court will trace the whole nightmare back to Mom making her go to the bathroom on command. Books will be written. CSI will do an episode on it.

Speaking of which, did you ever see the neighbors say that it was only a matter of time? They could tell something was going to happen - he was just that kind of child. They're suprised it wasn't worse. THAT's the kind of news we need to see on tv.

• Vladimir Putin will be meeting Elton John for a chat about LGBT rights. And Ted Nugent, for a talk on the proper way to prepare bear.

"If the Government were placed in charge of the Sahara Desert, they would run out of sand in 5 years"
- Milton Friedman

• A Guantanamo Bay detainee has an online dating profile. "Detained but ready to mingle". Their first date will be da bomb!

A DFW Whataburger (former) employee refused to serve police the other day. #policestomachsmatter 

• [sigh] Donald Trump, our only hope for genuine White House hilarity, fashion plate and inveterate dog-fluffer, pledged a huge military buildup and better healthcare for veterans. Oh well, the man whose slogan is 'I couldn't be any worse' is now promising things and not specifying how he'd pay for them. Yes, The Donald is now officially a politician.
• Speaking of buffoons, Jeb Bush says people need to stop demonizing the NSA.

Every few weeks at work, some nice person comes along and dusts my cubicle. The other day I was privileged to observe this ritual: she proceeds to dust all of the bookshelves, which has the effect of relocating all of the dust to my desktop. This is cleaning efficiency at its finest. The Cleaning Union is hiring someone to push all of the dust from the desktop to the floor. Next year's contract includes provisions for a vacuuming expert.

• Being a British Isil jihadist isn't all glamour and brides.... this guy laments the hygiene, shoe theft and lining-up behavior of his fellow jihadists from other countries. Maybe the key to destroying Isil is to let them destroy themselves from within.

Chipzilla has produced a sports bra which opens vents when it senses a certain level of heat and sweat. Millions of men are now practicing their hacking skills.

• Federal air marshals under investigation for filming sex with a prostitute while on duty.  Provided your hijacker is having sex with the marshal, everything is under control. Don't you feel safer already?

Paxil, the antidepressant, is deemed unsafe for young people after reanalysis. The manufacturer said it was safe for young people. What they meant to say was that it was NOT safe for young people. They apologize.

• PC POLICE ATTACK!
• University seeks to ban expressions of intolerance
• Comics don't want to play colleges anymore
• Devo member apologizes for 9-11 themed wedding, box cutter favors
• Robot ethicist launches campaign against sex robots, saying such products demean women and reinforce stereotypes. In unrelated news, robot ethicist's house TP'd and raided by SWAT. Accounts hacked and credit card has charges from religious beastiality midget porn sites.

SELFIE NEWS: A Japanese tourist died at the Taj Mahal after slipping down a staircase. He had been taking a selfie. Another senseless selfie-related death.



MUSICAL MENTIONINGS:

The Reverend Billy F Gibbons (ZZ Top) is about to release a solo album. In the meantime, he's up to his old tricks in the video for Treat Her Right.

John Hiatt is a songwriter who doesn't get his due. He wrote Have a Little Faith in Me (Joe Cocker, others), Memphis in the Meantime (Gregg Allmann), Thing Called Love (Bonnie Raitt), and Angel Eyes (Jeff Healey), among many others. You may not have heard him perform them but his style is original.  He also has a great sense of humor, not a standard feature in too many people from Indianapolis. He recently toured with another ThermionicEmissions favorite, Lyle Lovett.

My brother turned me onto John, the first song being Little Head. Let's just say it's a variation on the theme of of men's central processing units being centrally located. Another song that sits in my phone's mp3 directory is Cry Love. It has no guitar solo and I have no idea what it's about (making me a perfect American consumer).

Speaking of Thing Called Love, here's a Bonnie Raitt live version, complete with John. And nothing would be complete without a complete diversion, via Bonnie Raitt and Emmylou Harris singing backup on Little Feat's live version of Dixie Chicken, complete with RIP Feat members Lowell George and Richie Hayward.

Fred and Paul from Little Feat - Keswick Theater - 9/11/15

Volkswagen Emissions

Volkswagen is in trouble because the sensors in some of their diesel cars were calibrated to cheat on US emissions tests. This is a huge scandal across the globe and even huger because the US has some of these cars. With schnitzel on its face, the CEO of Volkswagen called a press conference, during which he said he was "endlessly sorry" and the firm "totally screwed up."  He apologized for the mistake (shades of BP Oil). Much like the BP Oil press conference, his sincerity was called into doubt when he kept crossing his fingers in front of his chest. He apologized most profoundly, on behalf of Volkswagen, for their error (in getting caught) and blamed it on a small clerical error (of 11 million cars). He had no idea how this could have happened (getting caught) and would instigate a full investigation (into how they got caught).  He was on the verge of tears because the major shareholders (including Porsche) wanted his posterior in a sling (because they wanted a CEO who could avoid getting caught).

Reaction was swift from all over the globe: Germans hid their heads in shame, Israel wanted to purchase the cars on discount, Syria offered to send 100,000 refugees, and General Motors, which just got caught putting exploding ignition switches in their cars and received a paltry fine, has made a lowball offer to purchase Volkswagen. Their brief pitch to VW's shareholders included the fact that even when they did get caught, it didn't make a difference.

The CEO got caught leaving the company yesterday.

Teaching Ravens to Fly Under Water

Continuing the ThermionicEmissions hatred and coverage of selfies, we have an 18 yeard old Florida woman who police said took selfies as she was having sex with her pitbull. Not known was whether the pictures were posted to Faceyspaces or Instagram.

• While we're continuing, here are the top ten passwords from the Ashley Madison hack: 123456, 12345, password, DEFAULT, 123456789, qwerty, 12345678, abc 123, pussy and 1234567. ThermionicEmissions readers know better than to use these kinds of passwords.

Husband bites estranged wife's nose off and eats it after she fails to return his calls. "When I said 'eat me,' what I meant was...."

• Countdown to Popemageddon continues: US sex victims say Church remains obstacle to justice. 
• A pastor committed suicide six days after his name came up in the Ashley Madison hack. 
• Men of God, all of them.

As it turns out, reports of Monty Python Terry Gilliam's death are premature. He has not joined the choir invisible, he is not pushing up daisies, he was not nailed to the perch and no one will have to come home from holiday to a dead Gilliam. For his part, Gilliam apologized for being dead.

• Dereliction of Parenting Department: Irish Dad sues Facebook after eleven year old daughter sent provocative pictures of herself to men and had chats. Ummm... Dad... if your eleven year old daughter behaves like this, Facebook might not be her only issue, eh?

California legislators approve bill allowing doctors to give patients suicide pills. They should give this over to the Pentagon's 'secure' virus labs. Perhaps they'll send them to DC by mistake.

• Both Chrissy Hynde (Pretenders) and Grace Jones have had their say about today's female stars: “They dress up as though they are challenging the status quo, but by now, wearing those clothes, pulling those faces, revealing those tattoos and breasts, singing to those fractured, spastic, melting beats – that is the status quo."  If you told me I'd be quoting Grace and Chrissy, I'd tell you that you were driving the short bus, short a few wheels.

Pentagon computers hacked again - this time it's the Food Court!  Never mind the Office of Personnel Management - this is WAR.

• When they came to tax my salary, I was silent. When they came to tax my drinks, I was silent. When they came to tax my internet, I was silent. Now who is going to speak up for me, now that they have come to tax my porn?  Yes, Alabama, rather than fixing their problems, has levied a massive porn tax.

America gets a D in science: 22% confuse astronomy with astrology. We are a nation of morons. Now ask yourself who this benefits....

• Tired of the endless iDevice hype? This puts it in perspective.

Forty-two percent of registered voters think Hillary Clinton is the presidential candidate most qualified to protect the United States from cyberattacks. Occasionally there is a headline so stupefying that I have no choice but to reproduce it. We not only fail to remember last we - we actively ignore it.  What was I saying about a nation of morons?

• A few weeks back, at work, I was in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room. Also in the men's room was another fellow, doing what one does in the men's room. He starts singing, which I found weird, as well as being outside of the Accepted Rules of Rest Room Etiquette (ARRREQ). "Oh Sara... Oh Sara... Oh Sara..." he went on. After a few of these, it began to seem that this guy had a problem, ostensibly named Sara. He sounded hurt. I felt sorry for the guy - we've all experienced this. Not so sorry that it wouldn't make it to the blog, of course. Unless I completely forgot.
• Today I was back in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room, when I heard some dude talking to the loo. No, not talking - singing. "Oh Sara...oh Sara...oh Sara..." he continued, with the familiar tone of sadness.  Along with his singing, I hope he wasn't also practicing his dancing.

Japan's crippled Fukushima nuclear plant Monday began releasing previously contaminated water into the sea. Previously contaminated? Is this some sort of code? New math? Triplespeak? Rest assured that whatever comes out of TEPCO (Japan's nuclear authority) has been marginalized and homogenized to within an inch of its life, much like American politicians. From the initial incident, TEPCO has sought to minimize any impact. Yet here they are, inventing the state 'previously contaminated'. Do you suppose all of the nuclear waste we bury in Yuma, AZ, is previously contaminated? Would you mind it being dumped in the ocean?

• Obamacare enrollees must double to make budget projections work. Ain't socialized medicine grand? I'd love to give you an 'I told you so,' but I'm paying for this just like you.
  

Two Muslim fundamentalist preachers were discussing the question of “whether wives should be beaten or not” when two topless activists jumped onstage. Ummm... if it's feminist to not believe women should be beaten, call me feminist. In yet another case of extreme journalistic bad taste and incompetence, the Telegraph put black bars over the women's breasts. All of the news, guys... censorship will not be tolerated.

TECH

• Malibu Phone Home: Chevy reports to parents on teens' driving habits.  If this car can report on your teen...
• Oops - GM performed a stealth update because of a long-term vulnerability (2010-2014) to OnStar. The only way to truly fix this issue is to completely disable the hardware (it's easy).
• Remember this blog reporting on California optical internet cables being cut about eleven times? Systems of the US Department of Energy were breached more than 150 times between October 2010 and October 2014. I believe this need some serious study. What would happen if either went down? Shades of the east coast US power blackout, allegedly caused by a squirrel. I hope to be mistaken here.

As if Windows 10 isn't enough of a pervasive, spying data sinkhole, Windows is now downloading it to your computer, even if you didn't ask for it. Just in case, you know.

Make with the Music

Superstar is frequently used but not frequently earned. In this case, I'm sure you'll agree that Queen neatly embodies the term. From their humble beginnings to stardom beyond expectations, this incredible band of audio and video experts truly entertained.

Queen could not have been without the outrageous frontman and composer, Freddie Mercury. Born Farouk Balsara, he could certainly command attention. Less publicized is his ability to musically direct the band in the studio. He sometimes came in with complete musical scenarios, which the band ably saw to completion. Freddie's personal life is fairly well known and a biography turned up a great line: Freddie's parties were truly something to behold, but I can't say more without the advise of my attorney.

Brian May, the guitarist who built his own guitar, is responsible for large amounts of Queen's sound, with his wall of amplifiers and multitracked, delayed harmony guitars. Yet somehow he manages to carry the excess off live. Brian is also a doctor of astrophysics, perhaps the doctor with the tallest hair of the title. `39 is a more acoustic song that Brian sings. It deals with the very interesting, and sometimes sad, topic of time travel and time relativity. The chorus harmonies are right out of the Queen playbook.

The spirit of show business shines through on The Show Must Go On. And it must*.

Successes are complex beasts but often have a great sense of humor, not to mention boundless creativity. I Want to Break Free is a good example. I can't say I'm crazy about the song, but the video is absolutely hysterical. I understand it was popular in Britain but didn't translate well Across the Pond. This does not strike me as requiring any translation at all.

One of my favorite Queen tunes, from the Sheer Heart Attack album, is Brighton Rock. Unless you're a rabid fan, you might not know it. As if you didn't know why I like it, the reason might start around 1:50 in. It's a solo symphony.

Freddie and the band will live forever in our ears.

After Freddie's death, Queen toured with the great Paul Rogers singing (an unfortunate mismatch), then Adam Lambert. One day, after viewing Adam, Freddie's ghost was heard to say, "Unh-uh. No way. Too gay."

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen cocker?

* RELEVANT ANECDOTE: Back in my musical comedy performing days, I had a weekend show in Bumfukt, PA. Hungry, we set out for some local food pre-show. A pizza place was down the street so off we went. I ordered a meatball sandwich because it's harder to screw up, plus gray meatballs were a favorite target of mine.

After the show we went home, as we were wont to do after shows. The next morning, I begged my girlfriend for help in stopping the bed from spinning rapidly, in the opposite direction that the room was spinning. Things got no better from there, at which point we made the difficult diagnosis of gray meatball-induced food poisoning.

As the spinning was getting faster, we called our agent, requesting he put in another act. Ever accommodating, the agent told us there was no other act.  As a result, I had to stand onstage, buffered on each side by a group member. While there was great internal debate about the hilarity of projectile vomiting, I decided against it. Afterwards they packed me in with the gear and took me home. Eventually the room stopped its rapid rotation.

The Show Must Go On.

Hey Vanna - the Welsh Would Like to Buy a Vowel

It's not every day you see a body hanging from an exit sign but hell, this is New York. My interest in this item is not specifically the dead body. My interest is the reaction to the dead body. Two people took to Twitter to post intelligence about this new social phenomena. In the past, news cameramen, upon seeing a man on fire, were accused of choosing to film the event rather than helping the poor burning man. Now we have seen the next chapter - motorists, rather than calling the police and doing something useful, post on social media. Granted, the man in question was beyond help (we think), but in my paleolithic mindset, it might be a better idea to get the incident investigated than letting four of your closest followers know about it. I suppose we should be thankful that he didn't take a selfie with the body.

Great Social Commentator #2 referred to the incident as 'a man hung himself'. I'm thinking that hanging from a sign on the Queens Island Parkway might indicate the fellow being suicided, but we'll let the proper authorities determine that.

• It's not the first time a couple has had sex in an airplane bathroom. But it's probably the first time a Norweigian Air stewardess made an announcement, congratulating the lovebirds, who were reproducing. Flight safety was not compromised, so the police were not called. In the US, the TSA and FBI would have been waiting for them, heavily armed, with jail sentences.

Travel+Leisure Magazine listed the fifteen least friendly cities in the world (by survey). Six were in America. The seventh overall least friendly city (you know where I'm going with this) is Philadelphia. Most of the listed cities are tourist destinations, therefore you'd think that friendliness would be a given. To hell with stereotypes - France made it to the list also.

• President Obama is touring the remote regions of Alaska to bring attention to how climate change is affecting Americans. No mention of his Shell drilling approval. Further, in a sad turn of events, Air Force One will be bringing the president back to DC.

Feminists are angry that Kermit the Frog's girlfriend is young and thin. My immediate thought is why the hell not - the last one was a real pig. My next immediate thought is that this is an awful lot of hot air for an old green puppet. Note to feminists: he's not real. He's not sentient. He's made largely of cloth. His maker died years ago. If advancing feminism is important to you (and if this is actually feminism), perhaps you should set your sights on targets that are more, perhaps, alive. You know, something important. Why didn't anyone complain when his girlfriend was large?

• A recent survey revealed that 15% of men would have sex with a robot. The other 85% are lying.

Forty years after a great step for mankind, Russia is planning to go to the moon. That will be one damn long line for toilet paper, Mr. Putin.

• French prosecutors have said they believe "with certainty" that a wing part found in July came from missing flight MH370. Yes, some sixty days later, the French were able to ascertain that the plane part came from flight 370. In the next six months, we shall see the French coming forth with more tremendous, timely research, such as verifying that the plane part was (with certainty) white and that it was made of a metal-like substance. There is simply no way to keep the plucky French down! Relatives of the MH370 dead are breathing a sigh of relief. Meanwhile in Malaysia, the government had previously said it believed that the flaperon belonged to MH370. Malaysians certainly aren't the French, are they?

Please don't take my word on it. It was just World Sex Day and here are the words of the professionals - the many benefits of having more sex. It helps with illness, stress, brain, youth, longevity, and kills pain.

• Skinheads(?) have burned crosses into the lawn of a New York mosque. Hymie Schwartz, a spokesman for the Jewish League, said he was overjoyed that Jews all over New York got the week off from lawn care.

Nine biodefense laboratories that work with dangerous viruses, toxins and bacteria, have experienced an immediate freeze on operations by the Pentagon, due to the discovery of live anthrax outside a containment area at a military lab in Utah.   I feel it time that someone with some small amount of sense step in and clean up this problem. The Pentagon has proven itself somewhat less than careful, conscientions, and competent in the handling of many biological agents, mostly anthrax. Like a child who proves he cannot handle playing and putting away his toys, our Boys in DC need to be called on the carpet for their Anthrax Accomplishments. Shipping it (and ebola) all over the country 'by mistake' and finding it 'missing' are but the latest two rounds of the Keystone Kops - Viral Department. Has anybody mentioned the anthrax mailed to 'random' congresscritters years back? Anthrax isn't a new technology, folks. If we can't safely handle it by now, maybe we should take up less lethal ways of killing people (and ourselves, apparently).  Perhaps it's time to take away the viruses, toxins and bacteria and send these boys and girls back to whatever it is they do best.

In News of Irony department, snakebite antidote is running out.

• In the age of the GPS, a friend discovered that you can not only find Home Depot, but you can identify where each department is within the store. We have come so far. Have we?

Pope relaxes Catholic marriage rules: it's now ok to marry little boys. Oops, sorry... it's now easier to remarry.  

Philadelphia Pope Tour 2015 - Nothing's Sacred: Philly's mayor shocked to discover people are scalping tickets to see the pope, referring to it as trifling in his neighborhood. I wonder where he grew up.

• A businessman caught on camera urinating into a coffee cup while working in someone's home drops out of running for Canada's parliament.  Hopes to make it to US in time for presidential election.

The US Air Force has laid down an ultimatum to a Nevada landowner who has been there since before 1940 to sell or they will condemn the land and sieze it. National Security, you know. Oh yeah, it's near Area 51. They do so love their land grabs. The last one, around the 1980's, took more land so people couldn't get close to Area 51 to observe.

• Hillary "2nd Amendment" Clinton is for a 25% national gun tax.  Next up: a 50% tax on free speech.

Russian man unhappy with cosmetic surgery shoots surgeon then himself. You have to admit, it's a lot more effective and immediate than a Yelp review.

• Vatican conservatives are not happy with the current pope. I hope he doesn't wind up as Pope Kennedy.

Security Theater, Part 97: You know those TSA keys that will allow ('only')them to open your luggage at airports? The TSA, in cooperation with the Washington Post, published pictures of the keys, allowing anyone to make a complete set (not that it was difficult to pick in the first place). This is precisely the backdoor FBI Director Comey wants for encrypted phones. Do you trust these people with your security?

• Waco police pulled a gun from a woman's vagina during a drug bust. Police offered her $100 to fire it before they removed it.

TECH SPOT

Eight in ten internet-connected baby monitors receive 'F' grade for security flaws. Listen up, folks.. these things are garbage. If you MUST have one, do some research first. Learn which is the right one for you and how it needs to be secured. Or buy one that doesn't connect to the net. And secure it.

Fiat Chrysler has recalled almost 8,000 Jeep Renegade SUVs to update software that could allow vehicle hacking. Yes, I really need a car with a black box and remote access by hackers. And GPS. And a cellular modem that connects whether or not you're using it. And your driverless car can be hacked by a $60 gadget.

An Israeli security company has built a version of Windows that's "unhackable".  A security company should know that if you can touch it, you can hack it. And why use an inherently insecure operating system?

M-M-MUSIC

Whatcha got?

I got Paul Gilbert.  The last few selections were of the non-virtuoso variety. I've corrected that here. Paul is a fleet-fingered master of the fretboard. You'll notice a sense of humor in his playing and delivery, which I really appreciate. He's one of the guitarists who can play faster than you can listen but also does Tasty Stuff.

Let's get the Obvious Hit out of the way: To Be With You. Paul did this song with his group, Mr. Big. Eric Martin, the vocalist, is a highly underrated singer. This particular version seems to be a gag, with all sorts of extras thrown in and Paul singing. The headphones are hearing protection. How he pulls off the wheedly-ing while singing is a feat of physics and multitasking.

Addicted to That Rush is a great Mr. Big tune. Billy Sheehan, the bass player, is every bit Paul's equal on the low end. He played for Talas, David Lee Roth (with Steve Vai) and others. The song has dueling virtuosos plus great, memorable hooks. Both Billy and Paul have their own signature instruments.

Paul was in a shredder metal band called Racer X. This is a song from them called Scarified. Dig the flurry of notes, the tone and the funky astronaut motif.

Who Ate Taylor Swift?

Technically speaking, I don't know or care (with the possible exception of John Mayer, a very talented guitar player).

But that is not important now.

Aside from a few cardboard cutouts and ads, I had no idea who Taylor Swift was. I noticed she had big hair, which is always a good thing with me. But as we know, I don't judge a singer by her hair (ok, it's still a 'nice to have').

Months ago, my Colleagues in Song Parody came up with a parody involving a Swift song. They started playing the song for me and my first thought was "this person must have a young following" because it sounded beyond bubblegum. I was thinking up to about age fifteen, max. My second thought was more of an action: "please turn that off. Eww." That was my first exposure to Taylor Swift.

Every now and then someone will expose me to a Swift song or I'll see her on television. My opinion hasn't changed in any way. Yet adults go to her concerts (and not necessarily the ones dragged by their children).

The thing is, I keep feeling I should like her. I have no idea why but I should like her. She's certainly not hard on the eyes but she does nothing for me.  I like really good female singers but she's not one. I like music but age-appropriate music. She seems to be a good person who does nice things.

Maybe it's because her output is just product. Maybe she has some sort of Swift Ray that permeates press and causes one to fall over her.  Since I'm semi-immune to commercials, it probably just keeps me wondering why I am not fond of her.

My recommendation? Turn that stuff off and listen to some serious women. No ear candy here:
Sass Jordan
Janis Joplin
Joan Osborne (bonus - large, curly hair)
Linda Rondstadt
Heart - Ann Wilson (sometimes Nancy Wilson)
Bonnie Raitt



================================================

We wish good journeys to Wicked Wanda, 96, wherever it is that she's gone.

I'm Nothing if not Something

A halloween costume of Caitlyn Jenner is causing outrage, prompting cries of disgraceful and transphobic. I wonder where these Social Justice Warriors were when Reagan, The Decider and (Bill)Clinton masks were in heavy rotation. Where were the charges of idiotphobia then?  I have to admit the costume is hilarious, with a dress-like thing and a sash that says Call Me Caitlyn. And what had better be a wig.  BUT WAIT: A second controversy has sprung up over a Lion Killer Costume! These costumers are a delightfully sick bunch.

• My first job was nine months of sheer hell, dealing with the public at an electronics store that shall not be mentioned (it gave out free batteries and just went under). The job taught me a very important life lesson - that I hate people. And that retail was not my strong suit. But in the interest of fairness, we should all read this article about retail. We can all learn something from it (and it validates hating people).

There's no doubting it: farts are funny, to all ages and sexes (mostly the male sexes). I have often wondered why (because my mind needs to know this sort of thing). Here is a piece on why fart jokes never get old. The old anal exhalation. The wind beneath my sheets. One - single flatulation, stuttering between my cheeks.

• Homeland Security has raided a gay escort site. Precisely which part of national security is threatened by gay escorts? Are they afraid of outing DC? They have been charged with prostitution and the website was seized. I wonder if the straight services are next. Maybe they'll seal the records for seventy five years, like JFK's.

A bar in Sydney, Australia, has caused outrage by using naked women as fruit platters.  I'm desperately trying to figure out the problem here.  I do have to admit that the bananas were sitting rather tall on one platter. An outraged Social Justice Warrior referred to the practice as contempt for women. Seems more like love for women. All they needed was a guitar somewhere and you'd have my three favorite activities on one table.

• Speaking of the cheating site Ashley Madison hack, it has been discovered that only about one percent of women who signed up ever actually used the site (men paid, women signed up for free). Where are the Warriors crying about male inequality? Don't delude yourself, guys... women run the planet. The sooner you recognize this, the better off you'll be. The Ashley Madison story is going to get more and more interesting in the coming weeks. For some really sad news, check out some of the passwords used for the site.  IN ADDITION:  Hundreds of thousands of people signed up for the service last week - AFTER news of the hack.  If it weren't for the great stupidity of the Great Unwashed, I'd swear that the hack was just good publicity for Ashley Madison.

Drought? LA County supervisors wash their cars 2-3 times a week. This is an outrage! How can governmental supervisors be expected to wash their own cars? 

• You absolutely cannot PAY for this headline: Unrestricted Urine Flow in San Fran Streets Corroding Metal Light Poles. SF has started using urine-resistant paint.  After 9/11, BART restrooms were closed as a safety measure. The City is obviously protecting the citizens from people using the bathroom in subways. Most surprising, not a word about Philadelphia.

In addition to transgender tv sitcoms and reality shows, transgender porn is on the rise. So to speak. Especially in California, New York, Illinois and Texas. DC is probably number one in underage transgender porn.

• Man arrested after his dog tests positive for meth. It's a good thing the vet doesn't test Marshall... he'd blow positive for cat food every time.

A PF Chang chef, Jaquan Huston, stabbed another chef, Eliveton Dias, to death in the kitchen during the dinner rush. My wife has been trying to get me to go there for years. As if the food weren't enough to put me off, now I have to worry about danger to my person via chefs with knives. This doesn't seem to be a problem at my favorite pizza place.

• Roberto Esquivel Cabrera has what some would consider a problem: he has (this stuff kills me) the world's longest penis. He's trying to get some sort of disability payments for it (and him too). He claims that he can't get a job, it hangs below his knees and that women are too afraid to have sex with him (he's still a virgin). Yes, this is a World Record Academy award (Guinness didn't have a category for this). Oddly enough, another record holder is the world's smallest man, at two inches larger (taller) than Mr. Cabrera's Monster Member. We wish him luck. Stardom awaits  when California's porn producers come across this story.  This picture was to the right of the story - they couldn't have picked a better one.

You thought I couldn't top the penis, didn't you?  The wife of a New York administrator claims she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from her husband's twisted sexual practices.  So he wore a chastity belt to work. So  he wore diapers and a horse tail during foreplay. So he dressed like a sissy maid and called himself Jessica.  

The divorce papers say he engaged in “predatory and extreme depraved antisocial sexual conduct so egregious it shows a blatant disregard for the marital relationship that it shocks the conscience.” Hey now - one person's "predatory and extreme depraved antisocial sexual conduct" is another person's idea of Marital Bliss or bit of good clean fur for an evening.

While the gentleman in question is now without a wife (who has reportedly been safely ensconced in a local nunnery), he has a line around the corner of women (and men) who like a good time. Most are dressed in leather, carrying a box of diapers and a brand new french maid outfit in his size. I'm dying while I'm typing this.

• A Maine man crashed into a tree while taking a selfie, driving home (oof) this blog's extreme dislike of selfies.

Miyuki Harwood, a hiker missing for nine days has been found alive in a California forest. ThermionicEmissions does not condone the use of Asian driving jokes.

• North Dakota is the first state to legalize weaponized Unmanned Aerial Devices (shooting and bombing drones) for local police departments. Firing in Fargo, anyone? Bombing in Bismarck? Shooting in Stanley? Murder in Minot?

A package of radioactive material that was supposed to be delivered to an on-campus office at Texas A&M University has gone missing. Perhaps they mistook it for Anthrax. If they try to trace it through the postal service, they're screwed.

• Firefighters were called out to a farm in England because a curious cow got its head stuck in a chair. After freeing the poor large beast from the chair, it was discovered that this was no ordinary curious cow - it was just Kim Kardashian (for the second time this week).

An Afghan man and women were given 100 lashes in public for adultery. In the US, you get a website, press coverage and a tv show.

SO MUCH FUNK, ONE BLOG CANNOT STAND IT ALL

Once again I'm going to abandon my guitar leanings and give you The Funk. Few solos here... just the almighty groove. I'm talking Sly & the Family Stone. 

If You Want Me to Stay is prototypical Sly. This version is from the classic Soul Train program and is done live. The drummer is Bill Lordan, who I know from Robin Trower, a real surprise.  All the way from the phenomena that was The Midnight Special comes Thank You (Falettinmne Be Mice Elf Again). Sly plays guitar on this song (did you know Sly played guitar?). This particular drummer is not Bill Lordan, which seems to work better for the band. I call him Bouncy because I don't know his name but have seen him with the band in other videos. He's all over the place.

Enjoy Higher, from Woodstock. You'll know all these tunes from their studio versions but I was looking for variety and performance. It is rumored that Sly was notoriously late and refused to go on at Woodstock. When the organizers threatened to not pay, Sly asked everyone what they were waiting for. Great performance, great concert.

Unfortunately, time and recreational pharmaceuticals had their effect on Sly, who, at least reading, lived in a van, paranoid and penniless. He's supposed to be getting back on his feet with a little help from his friends. I sure hope so, espcially considering what passes for music on the radio these days.

The Lawnmower's Evil Twin

In my last rant, I mentioned cursing being necessary to the process of fixing computers, automobiles and mowers.  As I was cursing last night, these words took a leap out of my mouth: "These f-ing things are inside mowers!"

As one might surmise, either I have no vocabulary other than curses or I spend all my time fixing computers, automobiles and mowers. If one were to surmise this, one would be incorrect. Yes, I do love my verbal explosions and yes, they do aid in repair, but there are yet other repairs to describe. And of course I'm talking about vacuum cleaners.

My mom told me all sorts of stories about stuff I did when I was little (a few years back). One grandfather used to let me sit on his lap and drive the car. Another found it amusing that I stood on the lap of the rear seat passenger and covered his eyes while he drove.  I would assume the rest of the screaming passengers registered their disapproval via other means. I must've been a cute little bastard - unfortunately it has long ago worn off.

Another forgotten bit of lore had to do with vacuums. I'm told that whenever we visited someone's house, I went to the closet and took apart the vacuum.  As we were always invited back, I assume I always got it back together in some reasonable semblance of working order. To this day, no one is sure exactly why this happened.  I can think of a few things... indulge me... [waaaaayback music...]  I despised vacuuming so much that I simply destroyed them wherever I found one. My family and friends felt the same way, so they allowed me to destroy their infernal devices. It may also explain my fondness for vacuum tubes or why I just plain prefer not to vacuum.

Speaking of cars, I am no expert but I believe canister vacuums were very popular a long time ago. They were short, squat little wheeled devices with a hose coming from one end. Electrolux was a big brand. Many things from Electrolux were some sad shade of blue. It's extremely difficult to describe verbally, so I'll just go ahead and use my own patented Verbal Buffoonery: somewhere between dark baby blue and some disgusting shade of green with brown flecks. It was horrid but probably really futuristic looking at the time. As you've seen from watching tv and movies, there's not an original thought left in the world and everything old is new again. A car manufacturer (might be Chevy but who cares) has offered Electrolux Blue (they call it something else, of course) as an available color on their overpriced, gas-guzzling small cars that want to feel they're SUVs, which are nothing more than tall station wagons with less internal space. The problem with SUVs is that you can't see through them. I wouldn't have a single issue with them if they were ALL manufactured see-through from the doors up.  So, while driving along in your new Chevy in Electrolux Blue, drive proudly. Be smug, like a Prius driver, knowing your brand new, very expensive, American-made car is the same color as a fifty-year-old vacuum cleaner. The really bad news is that there haven't been bags available for your car since 1970.

In addition to canister vacuums, there are the normal, stand-up varieties, not to mention the hideously expensive faux-European design Big Ball vacuums and the Turbo Cyclone, Hurricane-like suckers that don't use bags. And one brand that's so expensive you'd think it would do the vacuuming for you. You bought these devices once and never bought another unless someone threw it out of the car in very heavy traffic.

The crux of the biscuit here, which cost you twenty seven paragraphs thus far, is that the new vacuums are made like shit. Total garbage. American manufacturing (via Korea) at its best (worst). Debris by Design is their new motto.  At the risk of sounding like "You kids get off my lawn", I've got to tell you that the new vacuums are incredibly inferior to their ancient vacuum artifacts. Perhaps the manufacturers need to spend some time at the National Vacuum Museum, in Detroit. Perhaps we need a National Vacuum Museum (although not necessarily in Detroit). Perhaps in DC, where everything sucks.

Like most ways in life, we are a special case. With two long-haired bipeds and two seriously shedding quadrupeds, we apparently present an insurmountable issue to any and all vacuums. My grandmother never complained about her vacuum failing to pick up dirt or choking on hair (even though there was obviously less of it Back Then and they had no pets, although they were afflicted with grandchildren). After a few minutes of vacuuming, anything that we have plugged in for the purpose starts making some sort of noise, previously heard only in dungeons and places frequented by Dick Cheney (redundant, I know). After cursing and turning the beast off, we take a look, shake our heads and get out the machete to gently remove the hair which is stopping the beater from moving. There is hair there the likes of which we've never seen. There are hair colors that don't exist in our home. The hair is longer than any of ours, yet the pet hair is nowhere to be seen. Perhaps vacuums operate on (wait for it....) some sort of quantum effect, in which a vacuum is run and it picks up dirt from someone else's house and theirs picks up yours.  In that case, we're both in trouble.

After having removed the hair and other detritus from the beater, we re-fire up the machine. Yesterday I ran it and within one minute of turning it on, I got a huge sucking sound and a warning light on the ground piece. I kept going, cursing even more, and my wife came over, ever patient, and told me to turn it off IMMEDIATELY, as the warning light meant is was either going to explode or the Vacuum Police somehow knew and were on their way (with the Trash Police, but that's another story entirely). So I got out the machete, removing an entire vacuum from the beater and creating a pile on the floor that hid the couch. After the backhoe got the trash to the dumpster, I restarted. I rejoiced in the sound of the Real Vacuum. Two seconds later, the sucking sound returned. It's called a sucking sound because it sucked out the last ounce of my patience (already a seriously limited quantity). My wife keeps reminding me that Vacuum Aviation is completely useless, from the point of view of actually fixing the evil device. So I took off a random hose and pulled out a small utility vehicle and returned the hose. After another two seconds the returned hose produced a return sucking noise.

One anger explosion later, I took off another hose, in the vain hope that I'd discover some obstacle to air flow. Did I mention in vain?  So I took off a third hose, to no avail.  It's a good thing we moved the tv, lest we have some sort of Modern Art attached to some building or other in Los Angeles, called Vacuum TV or some such obscene concept.

Meanwhile the carpet is even dirtier than when I first started this effort, proving once and forever that sitting like a lump is much better and way less frustrating than actually doing something. Better for the blood pressure too.  The wife begged and pleaded for me to stop tortuing myself (and the vacuum) and promised to fix it tomorrow. Tomorrow is one of those bizarre vague terms that can mean anywhere between tomorrow and If You Think I'm Doing That, You're Nucking Futs. Never trust a person who loses more time than an American-made car clock. Since I just don't learn, I fall for this every time, much like Charlie Brown continues to try to kick the ball. I'm married to Lucy. When I eventually get home from work Tomorrow, the vacuum is still sitting where I left it, not so silently mocking me.  At about this point, it came to me in a blinding and ear-splitting realization:  "These f-ing things are inside mowers!"  They're so closely related that there's no way any of us could have seen it. The only difference is that the outside one uses gas (unless it's completely ineffective, by which I mean electric).

We actually purchased (after the remortgage) one of those Very Expensive, always-serviced vacuums. The moment we fired it up, it ate a stocking or something and ground to an immediate halt. We were impressed... normally it would take a session or two to break in (read: break) a vacuum. This one must've broken first because it cost more.

The most effective vacuum we've had to date was the cheapest. After observing its operation, I called the manufacturer to explain that leaving quarter-inch grooves in the beater bar allowed the infernal device to collect  more hair than more expensive units. The extremely helpful phone answerer thanked me graciously and promised to pass this great piece of wisdom along to the engineering department (where it would be ignored with Top Priority, Secret Clearance, Eyes Only status). Extremely Helpful Phone Answerers are a very specialized breed of people who are infinitely cheerful and able to make anyone feel listened to and comforted. They're so specialized that employers need to go off-world to hire them. I suspect they exist on the Planet of the Extremely Helpful Phone Answering Women (for whatever reason, they're all women). These ladies all have three hearts, four ears, and shoulders the size of Volkswagens (the better to hear you, Dearie).

I gotta go now. We have to perform the annual tithing to the Vacuum Store. And my cursing needs a refill.


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While we're at it, the iDevice people are coming out with something new. BFD you say? BFD I say.
But what will happen is what happens every time they come out with something new: every computer magazine and online outlet will be completely consumed with the news leading up to the announcement.

During the announcement, a release date will be announced.

On the Holy Day of Release, the faithful will be gathered, lined up around the block, in their Preferred iDevice Position: on their knees, drooling, wallets out and open. Even if it's the brand new iToilet, they MUST have it.

White KKK Leaders Outed as Blacks

Headline of the Month: Jared underage sex shock - Enjoy a foot long in jail!

• Follow the script, people: In St Louis, police shot and killed a black man who pointed a gun at them. There were protests. People threw bricks and bottles at the police. The police used tear gas. A car was set on fire and businesses were burglarized. Days before, a 93-year-old Tuskagee Airman who lost his way pulled over in the neighborhood to call his daughter and was robbed. When he asked passersby for help, he was carjacked. 

Animal rights activist beaten with duck in Spain. Spain - a country of irony. Next week: Hillary Clinton beaten with a server.

• Mexico orders toll for pedestrians crossing border. Note there is no toll to get OUT of Mexico.

Three Americans and a Briton receive France's top honor for thwarting subway attack.  The gunman, with an automatic weapon and handgun, claims he was only there to rob people. After the Legion of Honor ceremony, France formally surrendered to the heroes. You think I'm kidding? "...passengers were abandoned by staff, who ran and locked themselves away in a service room."

• Fire broke out as a result of an explosion at a US Army base in Japan. Nothing is known about the explosion at all but the Army is positive that it is not the result of terrorism and that nobody important got hurt.

BBQ Gentrification:  Just when you thought you'd never go near a restaurant again, we are apparently in the early stages of a barbecue boom!  And since we didn't know about the boom, we also didn't know to wonder whether the food's African-American roots are being forgotten. See all the thoughtful shit we bring to you?

• Sharing child care improves sex lives of couples. Actually, not having kids improves sex lives.

A 3-D printed violin? Very early in the process but this has great potential. Never mind that it's not made of wood (BURN HER!).

• What do the Bangkok bombing and Auschwitz-Birkenau have in common? People are taking selfies there. We are a sick planet. I used to work with a comic who imagined a terrible traffic accident and some guy in a minivan who told his wife and kids to go over there and stand near the body - I'll take a picture. Gawker Culture at its best.

Duing a counter-protest to the Planned Parenthood protest, Temple of Satan members 'drowned women', simulating water-boarding to "illustrate the theocratic agenda imposed upon female bodies."  Satanists - always fighting for your rights.

• Salad is overrated and has a negative environmental impact. Told you so.

Woman's body stolen from funeral home.  Perhaps they can return it for the $20,000 reward once they're through taking selfies with it and posting them on Faceyspaces.

• Guess who's the worst president in history? Although there are tons of eligible candidates, only one came up on top. I won't spoil the surprise (his name rhymes with push).

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer - they're easier to bomb when you know where they are.

• This week is one of many anniversaries: Windows 95 (Zero Factor Authorization) is 20, linux is 24 and Katrina is 10. Leo Fender would have been 106. I stopped at 18. And September 26 is National Dog Day.

Remember the female Viagra pill that got turned down twice by the FDA as ineffective and unsafe? Due to pressure from the manufacturer and women's groups, it has been approved. Now women can have their own horribly expensive pill that probably won't work and causes all sorts of negative side effects! What a win for equal rights.

• A man was stabbed outside the screening of "Straight Outta Compton". In other news, two men were sued outside screening of the reissue of "Fiddler on the Roof".

I just figured out who's flying all the drones around airports and a recent incident near a prison: the Secretary of the Maryland Department of Public Safety and Correctional Services is going to ask for up to $400,000 per prison for drone detection equipment. 

At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, this won funniest joke: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."  If this sort of thing appeals to you, go to the link. If not, here's a lovely picture for you:

Hey Hey, it's the Music!

C'mon - everybody's favorite guilty pleasure is The Monkees. From their Prefab Four moniker to their tv show to their recent tours, they're stronger (and older) than ever. Contrary to popular perception, they did play their own instruments after a while, including at concerts.  Unfortunately Davy Jones passed away a few years back. Fortunately Mike Nesmith rejoined after many years' absence and tours ensued (I saw them twice last year). Their tv show was very successful, as they were very good in front of the camera and the writing was of high quality. The show survives in syndication and has returned every little while, to great acclaim. New generations keep discovering The Monkees - for good reason.

You probably know Daydream Believer, featuring Davy on vocals and Fab Dance Moves. It's a great sing-along and clocks in at 2:46. Davy was a child star (like Mickey Dolenz) and stage actor. Enjoy the wacky antics of the group and the really trippy set.

The lads did not confine themselves to recording and television - they also made a movie called Head (cowritten by Jack Nicholson). There were many contemporaries in the film, including Annette Funicello, Dennis Hopper, Terri Garr and the incomparable Frank Zappa (oddly enough, a huge fan).

You Just May Be the One is a Mike Nesmith tune. Mike does not get his due. His mother invented liquid paper and he has a successful solo career. He almost invented country rock, although he will not take credit.

Randy Scouse Git is a wild romp through psychedelia and kettle drums. Mickey looks like he's wearing a tablecloth and displays his scatting and vocal talents. He's a very good singer and front man but also does not get credit for it. He started as a guitarist and continues to play it in concert. Mickey had to learn the drums for the group, as Mike already played the guitar. ANECDOTE: the title was apparently a serious insult in England, so they released the single as Alternate Title there.

Valleri was a favorite of mine (and many others) from the early days, possibly because of the fuzzy guitar and really fast guitar solo. The solo was not played by Mike, as mimed here. He readily admits that he's not a very good guitar player. He did hold things together live.

I really want the Monkeemobile. There were eight manly cylinders in it, it could carry the entire band plus groupies and the header(?) popping out of the hood probably blinded the driver.

Burn It, Blow It Up and Dispose of It [Mowing]

Yes, it's that time of year again. Ok, it's toward the end of that time of year again. The time that I dread. The time that wakes me up at two in the morning, in a cold sweat, screaming NOOOOOO. It's Mower Time.
 I have written extensively on Mower Time but since it's this time of year and I have been doing battle again, I feel it necessary to get this off my chest (and arms and itchy legs).

I hate mowing. Nothing new there.  But I have an absolutely irrational hatred of mowing. It's definitely not Mowphobia... phobia implies fear.  I have no fear of mowing - I actively HATE it. I'd sooner saw off a random limb by myself than mow the lawn (and I pass out at the thought of blood).

We started with a push mower. I have no idea why. Then a gas mower, which died in short order. The two anemic electric mowers, which did, at no time, run over their electrical cords. They're probably still in the Mower Graveyard (the shed). They probably still work, or whatever it is they did, in a very meek, underpowered way. The next gas mower failed for what looked like fuel reasons. I figured that since I knew the tiniest bit about engines, I'd give it a shot. After having removed the air filter and what looked vaguely like a carburetor (or carburettor, for our British reader and Queen fan), I wound up with a no movement solution. Since it was already broken, it remained broken, due to my lack of true understanding of engines. I strongly suspect that what I thought was a carburetor was actually a Quantum Space Drive and I somehow managed to extract the Quantumness from it, rendering it a pot-metal version of a non-working carburetor. Again, since it was not working before my experiment in quantum physics, I don't count this as my fault, much like my wife 'saving' us money by buying shoes on sale.

Finally we invested in a serious mower. I know it was serious because it was more expensive than what had to be less serious mowers. And it had a Big and Strategic engine, which was the engine of choice for Indy race cars and underpowered golf carts. It also had a lot of metal on it, which was damn impressive (and harder to push). Because it was a serious mower, the throttle cable broke after a season or two.  Doing my best impression of a Manly Man, I purchased a generic replacement throttle cable assembly, since I couldn't remember the model of my mower. As it turned out, I didn't need to know this, because the only product sold is the generic one.  Of course, as usual in these rants, the joke was on me: after doing my best to route the cable and performing the unthinkable task of zip-tying the cable to the handle, the cable flatly refused to control the throttle in any way, shape or form. It just flatly refused. The reason this is a joke is that this cable NEVER works. Like most other things, it's just Performance Art. You purchase it, you install it, then you curse at it because it flatly refuses to work, like a government employee or a Kardashian.

Cursing, as we know, is a required activity for repairing computers and cars (and by extension, lawnmowers). The neighbors are actually frightened of me, which is a condition that occurs normally without a mower in-hand. Parents pull their children off the street when they hear me pulling the cover off the evil device. The Department of Defense goes to DEFCON 5.

So, as an Imitation Manly Man, I work up a jury-rigged solution with chicken wire, several push pins and a hair tie we like to call Ralph. This alleged solution requires more cursing than simply trying to mow. I tie up the throttle, at which point the mower still steadfastly refuses to start. Checking the gas, I notice it's almost empty. This thing uses more gas than the old land yachts I used to drive (the ones with eight cylinder engines the size of small aircraft carriers). After having topped off, I hit the prime it button four times (because the instructions say two times - I'm just like that) and it still won't budge. This is because Ralph has slipped, turning off the throttle.  Cursing for good measure, I re-tie the wire and Ralph, which finally allows the engine to roar to life, frightening the dog. The mower immediately chokes on the grass, which is only waist high (don't ask me).  I found out later that, as it turns out, if you tie the throttle up a little further, the mower won't stall all that much, even if the grass is wet, as it is wont to be in Extremely West London, US.  So I mow. And I curse. And it takes the regulation forty minutes.

After I'm done, I race inside, sneezing from the aroma of freshly cut grass. As I struggle to the fridge, producing a two foot puddle of sweat under me, I down a cold can of grapefruit soda (you think I'm kidding? Go to the store and purchase some Sanpellegrino grapefruit, which, unfortunately, I do not get paid for talking about or drinking).

Eventually, after the leaking, sneezing and panting subside, I realize that it wasn't that soul-snatching an exercise (who am I kidding?). I make note of this for next time, so I won't have such difficulty with this most cursed of activities.  This matters not, as it takes two complete weeks of my wife dropping gentle hints (THE CRAZY LADY IS GOING TO CALL THE TOWNSHIP AGAIN, THE GRASS POLICE WILL ARRIVE SOON, I CAN'T FIND THE DOG) to get me off the couch and in the vicinity of the blasted device. After this, I can rely on failing to start the thing once or twice. Two nights ago it was too dark to mow. Then my near-fatal hangnail prevented all motion. After the grass has successfully hidden the actual mower, I have no choice but to walk past the thing a few times. Finally I prepare myself with tools, wire and a flamethrower and approach my nemesis.

Last night was beyond anything I've ever experienced. I go outside, in a perfectly positive mood, vowing to remain calm. The first time I try to tie up Ralph and fail, the cursing explosion starts, as if I've been trying this all day and it's just mocking me. This time I was ready, with solid steel wire and industrial tools. Knowing that there was no way I could even expect to tie the cable successfully, I had a pair of locking pliers with me. I tested the pliers, which clamped firmly onto the wire and would not budge or even release itself from the wire, knowing in my heart this was the solution.  I yanked on the cable, digging into the skin on my hand, and applied the pliers, locking them on the cable. Or NOT locking them, as it occurred.  The pliers, which worked perfectly in the midair test, completely failed to hold onto the cable in practice. It's like advanced math or windshield washing fluid - it simply doesn't work, leaving large white spots of bird shit on the glass (and I'm talking about the math here).

After a time or thirty of cursing at the locking pliers and applying a little pursuasion via the flamethrower, the machine roared to life, like Rosie Perez perceiving an insult. Aside from several branches placed in my way by a chuckling tree stopping the mower, I got done.  Yes, the mower had won, again, but I was experiencing the Mowing High people only whisper about, after getting their illegal performance-enhancing shots in Mowing Circles. Fortunately nobody from the township was around to urine-test me.

I ran into the house, crying and cursing, almost mowing down my wife (get it? - mowing). I demanded that the grass be burned down so I'd never have to perform the horrid activity anymore. My wife, used to a certain amount of entertainment post-mowing, did what she normally does and ignored me. I'd do much better arguing with the cat, only the cat occasionally appears happy to see me. As it turns out, the township forbids use of a flamethrower for mowing (or gas station tidying up), so I was pretty much out of luck.

A friend recommended hiring someone. This was a tremendous idea - one way too simple and brilliant for me to form. The wife got right on it, and by right on it, I mean she ignored it like I ignore anything with a lower case 'i' in front if it. She keeps trying to motivate me by saying 'this should be the last time you mow this year'. Unfortunately this fails the merit test in April and May.  You just try to hire someone to mow your lawn - go ahead - I dare you. All you get is services that want to come out weekly, mow and play with your shrubbery. I don't know about you but the last time I had my shrubbery played with was in my teens - a practice I vowed to avoid and have been thus far successful at. What about some neighbor kid who wants to earn a few bucks? No deal.. what used to be young entrepreneurs has morphed into selfie-taking, game playing kids who only leave the house to look at new phone cases (and get their tans from the refrigerator light). Plan B is that using the grass as a Doggy Bathroom would murder the grass once and for all.  Not so much, even considering the amount of liquids he consumes and his little chlorine-cleaned pool.

With only minor lacerations and thirty seven extremely itchy bug bites, I re-remind myself not to mow in shorts (or longs).  Meanwhile, I can hear the grass growing behind my back... inch by inch... it's openly laughing at me. Now I hear we've got a gopher or some such garden rodent (didn't anybody tell him we don't have a garden?) living in the shed with the old lawnmowers. The last time my wife checked, it had the unmitigated audacity to be swimming in the dog's pool! We might have to send the cat out after it - he's a born killa. He could drag the carcass in the house and onto the couch, which is still wet from the dog's last dip in the pool at two in the morning.

I f-ing HATE mowing.


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Led Zeppelin fan?

Jimmy Page just finished the remixes of the entire Zep catalog. I have only heard two songs but they're frighteningly good sounding. Worth a listen.

Windows 10 is Not the Only Windows That Spies on You

As if 'Microsoft's latest malware' (Windows 10) spying wasn't bad enough, updates are coming for Windows 7 and 8 that will allow some of the same kind of spying.

 The updates in question are:

• KB3068708 – This update introduces the Diagnostics and Telemetry tracking service to existing devices.
• KB3022345 (replaced by KB3068708) – This update adds the Diagnostics and Telemetry tracking service to in-market devices.
• KB3075249
• – This update adds telemetry points to the User Account Control (UAC) feature in order to collect data on elevations that come from low integrity levels.
• KB3080149 – This package updates the Diagnostics and Telemetry tracking service to existing devices.

These recent updates released by Redmond install the "Diagnostics and Telemetry tracking service" that is the most controversial component of the Microsoft's newest operating system.

Once installed, the Diagnostics and Telemetry tracking service immediately begins phoning home to Microsoft even if privacy controls are enabled – apparently with no option to stop it.

-----------------------------

Here is the extremely complex action needed to stop this current round of spying: Don't Install Them.

Windows 7/8 will inform you when updates are ready, if you do not have Windows set to Update Automatically. If you DO have Windows set to Update Automatically, go into Control Panel, Windows Update, and Change Settings (on left). I set mine to download but not install - it will download the updates and let you know they have arrived for installation. When you tell it to install the updates, go further into the options and do not allow the above updates to install (do not check them). You should be free from this variety of Windows spying.  You will not, however, be free from the regular old Windows spying and backdoors.

If the updates were already installed, go to the article in the first link, which will show you how to uninstall them.

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This post will be added to the Windows 10 page above.

This update was brought to by ThermionicEmissions and the letter L.