Cocker Chemo Continues

Having finished his IV chemotherapy recently, Marshall just got put on oral chemotherapy. He's buzzing along, happy as always, except for the constant whining when he wants something. We figure that if he's driving us up a tree, he must be doing very well.

On the way home, I had the pleasure of playing tug of war with the little monster. There was coffee in the holder and he was thirsty. I've heard this described before but never saw it: he flipped the plastic top right off the Unbelievable Huge Size Dunkin Donuts styrofoam cup, as if it were nothing. So I put it back on. He flipped it off, with one motion. I put it back, and the moment my hand left, he was back at it again. There are specific laws here about driving with cell phones. There are no laws about driving while trying to protect your coffee from a cancerous cocker with a taste for Dunkin. As it would have been dangerous, I had no choice but to concentrate on driving (also prohibited in my state), and he went face-down into the coffee. When he eventually came up, he had a coffee mustache.

Not to worry, the coffee doesn't do anything to him in any way.  You'd think the caffeine would make a difference, but he just took his wet paws, jumped into bed with his mommy, and took a leisurely nap.

• I'm posting this informationally, as no one here uses the service. Apparently most of Tinder is not encrypted. This allows anyone on the same wifi network to monitor what you're doing. So don't use it in public or at home, where your spouse may be monitoring.
• This is great advice for any program: stay off public wifi. The fact that Tinder isn't encrypted (https:) makes it even worse.

After the mistaken missile alert in Hawaii, politicians scrambled to get the word out that the alert was false. One of the most important accounts sat there, silent, for 17 minutes before issuing the all clear. Yes, it was the governor's account. Why did it take 17 minutes for him to tweet? He didn't know his Twitter password.

C'mon - it's 2018. Stop being stupid. Take an interest in cyber security, including basic password hygiene.  When the governor's people see him practicing safe computing and keeping his password in a locked password manager, they're more likely to do the same. Security flows from the top.

• Bell Canada wants you to know that, aside from Customer Name, phone numbers, username, and account numbers, there are no worries for the 100,000 people whose information was breached recently. Also, there is no evidence that credit card or banking information has been accessed.
• Bell is doing its best, having not learned from last year's breach, affecting 1.9 million active email addresses and 1,700 names and phones numbers accessed by a hacker. They have also not learned from the time before that. Who regulates this stuff?
• If I were a Bell Canada customer, I'd demand all their corporate data before I gave them any of mine. Let's see whose information gets breached first, and what happens after that.

The NHS has approved patient data storage on cloud services.

What could possibly go wrong, England?

• ATTN: anybody lactating. I have nothing for you but always wanted to say that.
• Believe me, if you're lactating, Google knows, but doesn't include it in my stats.

Deep Thoughts - by lefty

I'm looking for it.

If I find it, I'll let you know.

Some say the process is more important than finding it.

Don't ask me.

• If you're a juror in the El Chapo trial, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Chapo, called El by friends, has promised not to kill any jurors. If he were to 'make them go away', then there would be an anonymous jury, which would poison a fair trial.
• Say what you want about the Drug Kingpin Maximus, he has a better grasp of justice than most Americans, especially the FBI/CIA/NSA.

The Kardashians, famous for reasons no one can discern, have nothing on the owner of the corporate juggernaut known as Grumpy Cat. Grumpy cat started as a meme on the internet, after which his owner trademarked and copyrighted the feline.

During a deal with 'Grenade', they were allowed to put out coffee called  “Grumpy Cat Grumppuccino.” Grenade used the cat's likeness on the coffee and t-shirts, which was not part of the deal. After three years in court, the cat or the corporation or the owner was awarded $710,001. My guess is that the lawyers got the bulk of the money, the owner got the rest, and Grumpy got some cat treats. This is why there are laws about child stars in Hollywood.

I weep for society.

• FREE RON JEREMY!

• The porn legend was banned from the Las Vegas Adult Video News (AVN) awards for violating AVN's code of conduct. AVN has a Zero Tolerance Harassment Policy. This is the first time in 38 years Ron hasn't attended the awards.
• Other pundits will say, "Porn. A code of conduct for porn?" 
• I will not stoop to that level.  
• Anyone who has heard of or seen pictures from the AVN awards knows that there can't possibly be a code of anything at this wingding. The only thing that isn't tolerated is premeditated murder (and that's probably negotiable).
• Aside from the obvious reasons, I'd have no problem attending or watching the awards, especially versus the Emmys or Golden Globes, etc.  When an actress wins the award for Best Underwater Blowjob, Clothed, she screams, holds her hands to her face, walks to the podium and makes her acceptance speech. At no time does she call attention to her pet cause, verbally assault a sitting president, or demand better working conditions.
• These are honest, hard-working people, in touch with the average Joe. When she's done, she goes back to her table, does the Porn Star Dance with a few of her coworkers, and watches the next award: Best triple-insertion gangbang with under 500 participants (and a donkey).
• Meanwhile, Meryl Streep hasn't yet reached the middle of her monologue.

It was only a matter of time...

Two white ex-employees are suing NBC and Questlove for racial discrimination. Their treatment was completely different from Questlove's black bassist. Quest allegedly pressured NBC to fire the caucasians involved in the incident, but ignore his bassist.

----------------------

Regardless of anything that happened outside of comedy, Woody Allen is pretty damn funny. His essay on civil disobedience is hysterical. The most relevant part is this:

It should be noted that after a revolution is over, the ‘oppressed’ frequently take over and being acting like the ‘oppressors.’ 

------------------

Apparently black superheroes are a thing, according to an interview I heard on NPR. I listen to NPR for many good reasons: rock radio sucks, my cd player just broke, and there is no aux input on my radio. After today, I might investigate Silence while driving, and just let the internal demons provide the soundtrack.

They were interviewing the creator of a black superhero show that's pretty popular. I apologize for not remembering the show or the fellow's name. The interviewer asked if a white guy could accurately write a black character. He said no and mentioned that diversity is strength; his staff is mostly female African-American. So no white guys? Yes, there are white guys all over the place - they're the ones who have been writing forever.

So diversity is strength, provided it doesn't include white people. And mostly African-American female is a perfectly diverse, acceptable makeup of employees.

The oppressed frequently take over and begin acting like the oppressors.

Wouldn't it be ironic if the National Association for the Advancement of White People (NOPE) marched on the creator's business and blocked the doors, claiming racism and ordering the government to force them to accept caucasians on the payroll?

Next on the radio was the panel of experts to explain why Trump is wrong this time. One started by saying The Wall is racist. Nobody had the intestinal fortitude to ask how.

Last but definitely not least was the interview with a lady whose group advocates for the rights of home healthcare workers. For some reason, these folks are excluded from laws mandating minimum wage, time off, and other benefits. Sounds reasonable, right? Then she went on to say that everyone should also support the illegal alien workers because they're entitled to the same benefits.

Huh?

They broke the law by sneaking into the country. They're working, possibly under the table. And they're entitled to benefits that legal citizen workers have?

My wife likes to contribute to our local public radio station. We agreed that this practice would cease as of today.

We are going to look back on this time and wonder what we were thinking (if anything). Better yet, let's not look back... it's too embarrassing.



lefty the libertarian says that after pointing out hypocrisy, he'd like everybody to know that employers should hire whomever they like, without government interference (even though it doesn't work that way now). People have freedom of speech and can say whatever they want on radio and in person. We don't have to agree with it and we can spend our dollars elsewhere. This is referred to as letting the market decide.

• The blog entries may show up less frequently. I'm working on a new project.. The Tide Pod Cookbook.

Just in case you are bored and starved for some good news, for once... comes word that the ability to fake nude pictures and videos has come down to user level. In fact, even your face can star in someone's adult creation. Some may refer to this as a great programming leap. Some will shriek and run. And Jessica Alba already has 'porn' out, with her head on a porn star's body. I'll be searching that out later today, you know... for science. I'm just passing this stuff along. Because, like Howard Stern, I have the maturity of a thirteen year old.

Moe the Golden Retriever helps rescue a man from the Sacramento river.

• California, bastion of sanity, is adding another notch to its belt buckle: it may soon be illegal to automatically provide straws in restaurants. Yes, servers must wait until straws are requested by the customer. There is a significant fine for disobeying.
• The National Straw Marketing Association has stated that this is not an issue, so long as straws are available. You might think I made this part up, but I didn't, except for the name of the association.
• Don't get me wrong.. California is a wonderful place to visit; you just couldn't pay me to live there.
• Speaking of regulations, Chicago has just made it illegal to park your car with a For Sale sign in it on public streets. They suggest you call 911 if you see one of these cars. 
• ThermionicEmissions has done some bold, intensive investigation on this issue (we asked a Chicago official about it). Chicago is worried about cars being parked on the streets and becoming almost abandoned. Sounds reasonable, addresses a nuisance, and is nowhere as weird as California's obsession with straws. If straws were illegal aliens, California would mandate a straw dispenser on every table and have them attached to all telephone poles, not to mention cases of them at City Hall.

I watch a lot of people typing on their cell phones, with the precision of a brain surgeon and the speed of a NASCAR driver, so I know it is possible. But when I pick it up, I feel like a two year old with a computer. I have been a tech since I was two, taking apart vacuums at people's houses. Small wonder I don't get invited places. I obviously know how the phone works and can make it do all sorts of things, but the act of typing causes me fits. Even slowly and carefully, I will invariably hit the wrong key. I've tried hitting the top of the key and that doesn't work. I have tried three different keyboards, which hasn't helped. What's unbelievably weird and horrible is that my work iPhone's keyboard seems to work much better (I stand ashamed). So I installed an iDevice-like keyboard, which also failed spectacularly. I even tried the Swipey keyboard, which works for millions. That produced its own set of hilarious errors, including wanting to do bodily harm to the person who set spellcheck to ON by default. Even when I tap a suggested correction, I hit a number key instead.

So I'm at very least a dyslexic typist. A slow typist. A great speller but a blithering failure in the typing department. My wife feels similarly, so at least we can share the misery. Every time I type, I want to launch the phone into space. I'd use the voice interface, but on every voice interface, everything you say goes right to the service's servers; android/Google, or Apple. I'm waiting for the phones to be powerful enough to have their own voice capabilities natively. There's little push for this, as Google and Apple want your data.

I don't need to type NASCAR fast. I'd settle for average and accurate.

So I scream a lot while typing. And fixing computers. And watching tv. Now that I think of it, this is a recurring theme. I should hurry up and do nothing about this.

• The good news is that my local supermarket has Chocolate Frosted Flakes now, labeling them New. The bad news is that they don't carry them in Extra Huge Size, like Costco did before they stopped carrying them. I think Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows got discontinued too. The trials and tribulations of an adult who consumes sugary cereals. But beware: I heard that even Raisin Bran has a lot of sugar on the flakes.
• To everyone's surprise, there is now a Chocolate Lucky Charms.
• You would do well to avoid anything that says Kashi on it, unless you're enamored of the taste of cardboard. At that point, you might as well just eat the container it comes in. It too is full of fiber.

Parting shot: I enjoy the hell out of the opportunity to spew my stuff here. It would be nice, however, if the spell check didn't choke on the word 'internet'.  I routinely play a game called Choke the Checker.

Yep, that thing's gonna ricochet and take his eye out

Title Having Nothing To Do With Content

Who says we don't learn from the past?
Some wise organization in Philly decided to grease up signposts and traffic lights for the Eagles game. Sounds bizarre, right? Not in Philly, where last time, people were scaling the poles. One particularly brilliant fellow was lobbing glass bottles. So they're trying to avoid hilarity this time around.

But I have faith in Philly fans, who once upended a parked truck, in a celebration of something or other. I know they'll find a way to get past the grease and cause mass mayhem, landing them on national tv and being memorialized on YouTube. Maybe this year they'll blow something up. Or release a nerve agent. There's no underestimating Philly fans.

In an example of pure synchronicity, Mrs leftystrat said it's getting LOUD outside.  Apparently Them Iggles won, and the yahoos are already parading up and down the block, in a drunken (or normal) stupor, with small explosives.

Sure enough, at least two people managed to climb a greased pole. This is the kind of indomitable spirit shown by Philadelphians, when their team wins, and when trying to get out of a parking ticket.  Speaking of Philly Spirit, there was only one fire.

Philadelphia authorities are working on a large scale evacuation plan, should Dem Iggles win the Superbowl. This has the potential to be the worst mass casualty event since Three Mile Island.

• A 15 year old hacker impersonated the CIA director and other officials in massive data breach. 15 years old. This says a lot about CIA security and the 15 year old. Perhaps the CIA should hire the little bugger... he seems evil and smart enough for their mission.

This was actual advice given to people in the South...

It's a different world, south of the Mason Dixon line

• A large number of businesses in the UK have been rendered vulnerable to cyber crimes by employees who regularly access pornographic and gambling websites on their work computers. This is why we can't have nice things.

Just when you thought your country, whatever country your country is, was the most incompetent in the area of cyber security, along comes Norway, where a healthcare provider is investigating a breach that might affect half of the population.  This is impressive. They claim that there's no evidence that it has put patient treatment or safety at rsk... you know... except for the fact that the healthcare data on half the country has been compromised.

In completely unrelated news, Norway has just dropped off the Greatest Places to Live list.

• Speaking of Superbowels, I was invited to a Superbowl party. I need to gather some magazines and make sure there's plenty of internet available, so I have something to do while avoiding socializing (and football). There's plenty of room under the snack table, provided no one else thought to hide there.

Just when you thought it was safe to read social media:

For example, my wife should ask me if I'd date a trans woman. If I said no, she should divorce me. Makes perfect sense, if you ask me.

Texas judge Jack Robinson interrupted the jury, saying God told him the defendant is not guilty. The judge apologized to jurors for the interruption, but defended his actions by telling them “when God tells me I gotta do something, I gotta do it."  Before you could say "schizophrenics hear voices" or "this is disallowed by the First Amendment," Judge Robinson recused himself. A request for a mistrial was denied. Because his outburst couldn't have swayed the jury in any way. 

Although Florida wins the award for sheer number of weird stories hitting the news, everything's still bigger in Texas.

• For some reason, which has nothing at all to do with temper or banging on things, the 'i' on my laptop sometimes fails to work. Today, it's producing double letters. Now my work computer's 'i' is sticking. What kind of bizarre synchronicity is this? Will either or both keyboards leap up and tell me God told them not to work? Do keyboards talk? Will I have to have the meds adjusted (again)?

A frequent stowaway slipped past Chicago's O'Hare airport security and took a flight to London. Don't you feel secure now? Not to worry, our brothers in London have our backs: they caught the lawless traveler and sent her home. No word yet on Frequent Stowaway Miles. The TSA was unavailable for comment, as they were all in the back room, laughing at your naked xrays.

• It's not a conspiracy when you're watching it happening: In the past three months, five porn stars have died. Three of overdoses, one in her sleep, and one by suicide. This is a tragedy of major proportions. If you remember, Madeline Monroe also died of a drug overdose, otherwise known as 'suicided.' 
• Who feels so threatened by adult entertainers that they are to be terminated? As with any suspect event, you have to ask yourself Who Benefits?
• Well, our president is alleged to have had an affair with a porn star. Let's take a wild guess: he also had affairs with other porn stars. Ladies who can no longer be questioned over the matter.
• Dead. Who winds up dead? People who have angered the Clintons. Perhaps Hillary had affairs with the ladies in question. Or even Bill.
• Maybe the government has declared a War on Porn. No, wait, that would only increase the number of porn stars.
• Rest in peace, ladies.

America is really upset about healthcare, and rightly so.

One highly-touted solution is socialized medicine, like Britain's National Health.

Let's face it: the British are not a beautiful people, by and large. On that basis, I reject socialized medicine. 

That's what you get here: information and solutions.

• It's 2018. Everyone can order everything online. The brick and mortar businesses need to come up with something original and clever to stay in business. Enter 'Graham,' an enterprising English businessman, with a business that can't lose. Sure, you can buy a sex doll from any old sex doll store, online or in-person. But where can you try them out for fifty pounds for thirty minutes, after which you can purchase the doll. This man is obviously way ahead of the pack and should win some sort of business award. Graham denies, however, that he is running a sex doll brothel.
• With every idea comes a downside: the poor sod who has to clean the dolls if they're not purchased. And what is their official job title, for tax purposes? Automated Adult Services Restoration Engineer? 
• The only thing better than writing this blog is getting paid for writing this blog. It actually used to happen, in a universe far far back, with a different url. They warned me, if I didn't stop writing about Halloween Boobies, I'd cease to be listed. So I took my blog and went elsewhere. They told me I'd be missing the publicity and access their service afforded me. And still I left. And still, they were absolutely correct. But don't let anybody tell you I'm unprincipled: I'm just plain stupid.
• I'm betting that the remnants of the blog still there is generating more hits than this one. There's probably a small pot of gold there, waiting for me.
• Thanks for coming by and reading. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for going away in disgust, never to return. Thanks for going away in disgust and returning for more disgust. I get nothing concrete: just the hope that I've entertained and made you think about something or other.

The computer news daily features some obscene number of new ransomware varieties. Very briefly, it gets into your system, frequently by user error, encrypts your important files, then demands a ransom to decrypt them.

I want to present you with the Ultimate Super Secret Ransomware Mitigation Secret: backup your friggin computer. What could possibly feel better than thumbing your nose at some disgusting foreign hacker? Because you know you have backups to replace your encrypted files. Besides - there's no guarantee that paying the ransom will get your files back.

Backups not only protect against malware - they protect against fire, flood, hurricanes, tornadoes, most acts of God, hard drive failure, computer failure, and falling on your laptop during particularly interesting adult activities.

A backup can be as simple as a USB drive or external hard drive, onto which you copy the files you want to save. There is freeware for Windows that will help you automate the process. Linux folks can use the command line or open source software to accomplish this. MACs undoubtedly have some utility that sends your data into the past, so it's safe and you can restore it by bringing it into the present. If at all possible, encrypt your backups.... if the backup leaves your hands by mistake, you don't want anyone to know how much you paid for that sex doll. In pounds.

If, heaven forbid, this seems too complex, time consuming, or you're terminally lazy, you can use an ... I hate to say this... online service to automatically do your backups for you. You just have to select what gets backed up and how frequently, and off it goes, hopefully encrypted. This is The Cloud, which I don't like, because the moment your data leaves your hands, it's no longer your data.

You don't have to backup your operating system - that can easily be rebuilt. Just your data. If you use the USB or portable hard drive method, please put the device elsewhere, like a friend or relative's house. If anything bad happens to your home, your data is safe somewhere else. If the FBI pays you a visit and removes every computer in your house because they suspect you have certain files on them, you still have your backup, safe and offsite. Everybody will say how smart you are. More likely, you can tell everyone how smart you are because you have backups. Win/win.

• Why doesn't stuff work? Are we a nation wasting tons of time, waiting for or trying to get stuff working? For me, it's usually work stuff: Hey Boss, I can't log into the Garbanzo machine. 
• You need to get in touch with Babaloo, who owns the machine.
• Hey Babaloo, I can't get into the Garbanzo machine.
• Let me see.... yup - it works for me [click].
• Hey Reggie - the new guy doesn't have email. Who does he call?
• Oh, that would be the Email Department, but he's out for a week, someplace where the drinks have full size umbrellas in them.
• Doesn't he have a backup?
• Yes he does. He's back up in his house, on vacation too.
• Hey Boss, when I log into the work application, I see someone else's screen.
• Oh, you have to call Support.
• Support's hours are nine to five but they close at noon.
• Yeah, they're like that. Fill out a ticket and they'll get back to you some time next month... if they don't close your ticket and claim they already fixed it.

So, this DACA/immigration thing, that played a huge part in the government shutting down... I'm still at a loss for words. Screw it - I'm never at a loss for words.

I break with some of my libertarian brethren on immigration. They say unlimited. I say do it legally, the way it's supposed to be done. Letting a bunch of people in without the normal controls also negates the work that the real immigrants did to get their citizenship. They don't feel entitled, like the DACA crowd.

These people are illegal aliens, no matter what anybody tells you. 'Undocumented Immigrants' is wordplay, designed to take the sting out of illegal aliens. These people are criminals, having broken laws of the country in which they hope to live. In which some feel entitled to live. Many sanctuary cities and the entire state of California seem to be perfectly ok with lawbreakers, even encouraging them. California gives them drivers licenses and wants to automatically register them to vote with the license. This bus seems to be missing more than a few tires.

Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Mr leftystrat, and my heart goes out to people who have gone through red lights. I myself do not go through red lights, but the plight of those who do is a sad one, a heartbreaking one. Yes, they've broken the law. Yes, they may have caused a collision with a schoolbus full of children. That's not important. What's important is that we forgive these people. In my proud sanctuary city, we stand for the rights of everyone to drive, regardless of how. If necessary, we will break the law and stand between traffic police and our brothers and sisters, the red light violators. In fact, we do not approve of the harsh tone; rather, we refer to them as Traffic Firsters, because they're first on the importance scale. First before every other car on the road, regardless of lights, signs, and laws.

How stupid does this sound?

Imagine, breaking a law and having people tell you it's ok, just ignore the law.

Join us next week, when I take up the plight of a very misunderstood group - bank robbers. They did nothing wrong and we must accept them fully, including letting them marry our children.

• My house is still trying to match last night's temperature. In other words, it's cold. I walked outside to find I didn't need a coat! The sun is almost out. It's warm - almost 50. It's bikini season! It's a shame because I don't have my bikini body yet, plus I need a wax like you wouldn't believe.

So, if you're patching your Intel CPU against the Spectre/Meltdown bug, Intel says not to. If you have already, unpatch it. Announcement forthcoming. This company bungled everything, from design to mitigation. Also, note that after you patch it, your computer will slow down, to the tune of approximately twenty percent or more. This is what you paid for. I tend to use AMD processors, given the choice.

• If you've ever use the command line (cmd.exe) or PowerShell in Windows, you can already use the command line in linux.  Note that this is not mandatory to use linux. You can run it just like Windows, making it look just like Windows too.

I suspect my wife is trying to gaslight me. She is doing a lot of cleaning, which also encompasses reorganization.  What this means is that she's hiding everything from me. She knows exactly where everything is, but I have no idea. Men in general have a difficult time finding stuff, and this only makes it worse.  The other day I wanted peanut butter. That was my first mistake. It had moved to a different surface. Everyone knows you can't have peanut butter without some sort of chocolate, so I went looking for some chocolate Reese's spread. 

So where was it? How the hell should I know? She did a great job of hiding it. Perhaps this is an attempt to keep her around, because she knows where everything is. Meanwhile I keep her around because she tolerates me well, which is a very rare trait.

On my way to the counter, cursing her name, I spied the chocolate spread in the most logical place: on the floor, next to the fridge. Stupid me. I was about to check the second most logical place: in back of the washing machine in the basement. 

I need to use the ladder today.... I better look on the bed.

• After all this time and international intrigue, I remain unable to find a slur for Malaysians. If you know anyone who can help with this quest, please let me know. I have nothing against Malaysians.. I just want to know what the slur is. I am not looking for the generic slur.

People annoy me.

This might come as a surprise, but it is so.

Know what makes me happy? Dogs. My own, as well as others. When I see dogs on tv, I smile reflexively. This is easy to note, as I don't generally smile.

Airport sniffer dogs are born at special facilities and kept there til they're eight weeks old. Then a host family lives with the dog for a year and brings them back  for training. Can you imagine living with a puppy for a year, then having to say goodbye? You couldn't pry that dog from my hands, no matter how hard you tried.

I've Got SNAILS in My Pants

So there's this athletic tournament in Siberia, the little-known Capitol of All Athletics. Russia sent more than thirty of their Best. And thirty of their best turned tail and fled after the unannounced arrival of anti-doping officials.

The Kremlin denied that the sudden disappearance of their team had anything to do with performance-enhancing drugs; they all just had a doctor's appointment they suddenly remembered.

• News has reached the public that President Trump had an affair with a porn star in the past. The democrats and never Trumpers are absolutely over the moon with glee. Their smiles will be short-lived, as the president's supporters will be damn impressed that their man got to boink a porn star.
• Having seen the adult entertainer in question, I can't help but think I would've chosen a different performer (not that I know anything at all about porn).

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the Las Vegas shooting. I'm not saying there's any sort of conspiracy here, but the pattern doesn't fit the norm. In all other shootings, the details are known within a day of the event. In Las Vegas, we still don't know much more than the official narrative. As with any other large happening, it is very important to scrutinize the entire event, as well as the official narrative. Here are some relevant questions that remain unanswered. Please read and form your own conclusions.

• The residents of a fair percentage of Pennsylvania are somewhat confused. This sentence stands alone, however what's confusing in this case is that they awoke to find no new snow. In fact, the sun is almost out, which is pretty much the best they can hope for. According to a report that I can't remember where I read, we have had snow in all 50 states.
• Asked to comment on this, a panel of meteorologists said, "This is some weird shit."

I know I'm incredibly late to the party but I just passed Toddlers and Tiaras on whatever channel I passed it on.  It's no secret that I hate reality tv, as well as non-reality tv, and most of what passes for tv on tv. This show is an egregious example of what's wrong with tv, as well as some extreme psychological issues.

I often joke that clothes commercials for kids amount to "dress your daughter like a prostitute, just like you!" Nowhere is this more true than this show. It is absolutely eerie to see very young girls with hair higher than some buildings, in spite of my love for Big Hair. They have more makeup on than a Kardashian, and learn all the modeling moves from their mothers, who are either all failed pageanteers or wish they were. This, as we all know by now, is the worst case of projection on tv. Leave the poor girls alone and let them grow up as normally as possible. Take it from the guy who has no children and his dog doesn't do beauty (or obedience) pageants.  Let's teach them about winning being the only thing. Add in a little sabotage for fun. Make them sensitive to their mothers' moods and keep trying to please them by winning. Have them absolutely burnt out by age eight - yeah... that'll teach them a lesson and prepare them for Life.

• The next time you see a psychiatrist giving a professional opinion of someone's mental health in the press, remember the Goldwater rule: ...in such circumstances, a psychiatrist may share with the public his or her expertise about psychiatric issues in general. However, it is unethical for a psychiatrist to offer a professional opinion unless he or she has conducted an examination and has been granted proper authorization for such a statement.
• Briefly, a psychiatrist can't give an opinion on a person without seeing the person professionally and obtaining permission to talk about it (medical privacy - HIPAA).

From the CIA in 1956, here are the ten states created within an individual during brainwashing. If you remember, this is an open secret: the CIA admitted to it.  When young, I was often told to wash my brain out with soap.

• As you remember, ThermionicEmissions refers to the method by which a vacuum tube operates. Every now and then I slip and offer some information relevant to tubes. This would be one of them: a how to balance a phase inverter video.
• If you're somewhat interested in tubes (valves in the UK), this is probably not your video.
• If you don't give a rat's ass about tubes, this is definitely not your video.
• If you like tube stereo and guitar amps, this runs the possibility of being your video.
• If you feel a sense of satisfaction when you see a squirrel as roadkill, you should probably get some help.

Satirists have left the building. Real life is so weird, they can't come up with anything to compete. An obvious parody tv ad had two people in a boat, fishing. The female was saying that when he said fish, she thought he meant sushi. The commercial is for a dating site for farmers. We're laughing, wondering why they would spend the money to put this on tv. Yes, farmersdating.com, or something like that. We're still laughing. They keep going. We stop laughing... these people are serious. Guys dressed in flannel and jeans, doing flannel and jeans things, with ladies dressed similarly, doing dating things. We're a little too far north and a little too much in the real world for this stuff.

If this service takes off, I see other specialized dating sites:
mailman-dating.com: they talk about their love of shorts and hatred of dogs

convenience_store-dating: open 24/7

police-dating.com: put your hands on the wall, take your clothes off, and do exactly as I say...

corporate_management-dating.com: let's schedule a series of meetings to discuss having sex.

redneck-dating.com: Budweiser delivery to your yard, provided the delivery guy can get past the old appliances and cars on the porch. Call a cousin for romance tonight!

doctor-dating.com: keep a total stranger waiting for two hours at the restaurant.

fireman_dating.com: go to hot places and show someone your hose.


Unfortunately, not all sites succeed:
geek-dating.com: failed because geeks are socially retarded, in person and online

serialkiller-dating.com: failed for obvious reasons

politician-dating.com: who the hell wants to date a politician? Hmmm.. maybe a serial killer....

clothing_designer-dating.com: there's only room for one insufferable drama queen in a relationship

refuse_management_engineer-dating.com: there are no female trash workers

pornstar-dating.com: they didn't like to take their work home.

multiple_personality-dating.com: they couldn't agree on who was dating whom.

depressed-dating.com: failed because none of them could manage the energy necessary to consider it.

• The new Audi has 19 speakers. In order to fit 19 speakers, there were some compromises made: no back seat, only 3 wheels, and no engine. But the sound is great. You can hear Ringo's nose hair flapping when he plays the drums.

Q. How can you tell when police sex is nearing the end?
A. One of them says, "Be on the lookout for bodily spasms."

• a very large pizza chain has announced pizza insurance: if you drop or otherwise mutilate your pie, they'll replace it free. Deductibles apply. Does not cover pepperoni. Not valid with Obamacare.

Guitar Strings as Garrote

With this increasingly technical and remote world, many companies are opting to let their employees work from home. Except, of course, your employer, who will watch you yawning at your desk, but can't bear the thought of not being able to watch you at home.

After a brief (and fictional) survey, I have compiled The Habits of Successful Teleworkers. You know it's serious when there's a Habits book. And when the practice gets its own word (teleworkers).

On the Phone

1. Be absolutely certain that, when in a phone conference, you MUTE your phone before doing your hilarious imitation of the boss' accent.
2. Be absolutely certain that, when in a phone conference, you MUTE your phone before you view some of your best porn.
3. We have not yet determined whether sex during working hours is the same as inaugurating your desk at work, but whatever you do, be absolutely certain that you MUTE your phone. Putting a sticky note over the camera would also give you great advantage, before you wind up on Pornhub, where your coworkers and boss 'accidentally' wind up seeing it.
4. Turn down your Insane Clown Posse and Circle of Shit tunes, as well as anything that vibrates. Even if you can't hear it vibrate, it will come in contact with your phone and everybody else will hear it vibrate.
5. If you're in an important phone conference, it is guaranteed that four trash trucks will come by, the dog will bark at them, and the Amplified Drum Marching Band will begin practice up and down your street.
6. If you are stuck in a web conference which has absolutely nothing to do with you but you got suckered into attending, you might want to devote the smallest portion of your hearing to listening for your name. Just because the meeting has absolutely nothing to do with you doesn't mean some other poor soul, probably a good friend of yours, will ask you a question. You must reply almost instantly with an approved excuse...

Approved Excuses for Not Speaking Up

1. Sorry, technical malfunction.
2. Windows rebooted itself (perfectly believable)
3. My hovercraft is full of eels - (people who aren't Python fans won't risk admitting they have NO CLUE what you're talking about).
4. My stupid phone wouldn't unmute (see 1,2,3 above)
5. do NOT mention that you were in the bathroom. The reverb in there will give you away immediately, if the flushing doesn't.
6. your significant other might have a talent with a certain body part or even their thighs. You will NOT want to use this as an excuse, even if your air might have been cut off at that precise moment.
7. I wanted to leave the question for someone less experienced, as a learning exercise.
8. If the meeting is exclusively male, make reference to your junk getting caught in your zipper (or the car door). Groin injuries of any type are an instant pass.
9. If the meeting has mostly managers and marketing, explain that the Wintel resistor that bridges your voice and data networks failed at a very unfortunate moment and you already ordered the replacement on your dime, which will be here tomorrow before working hours.

Other Stuff

1. Always make sure your status is set to Busy.  This way, the poor suckers your friends at work will know you're very engaged in an Important Business Process. It is not necessary for them to know you're taking a Power Nap. Experts say a power nap can run 10-20 minutes. Never mind that yours has been going on since you first logged in.
2. Lunch generally falls between 12 and 2, meaning between 9 and 5. You should avoid 8 hour lunches. Business consultants also recommend avoiding liquid lunches, unless required for an important group call with your boss and his boss.
3. If you are required to attend a meeting with video, you must dress appropriately. And by appropriately, I mean a dress shirt, perhaps a tie, and your best "Home of the Whopper" or Spider Man underwear. Just don't stand up before the meeting is over. Especially if you're not gifted Down There.
4. If you're starting to get tired of working for this company, you might find that pulling down your Spider Mans and waving things about sends the right message. Industry practice is to give at least two weeks' notice, unless Waving of Junk is involved. My weekly meetings with HR are the stuff of legends.
5. You have to keep work separate from life. Carefully choose a spot for your work only; this way your family will know that when you're at 'work', it's time to perform drum solos, practice their carpentry by using a sledgehammer, study science by seeing how to make explosives, and torture the neighbors (and your windows) by watching Judge Judy at top volume.
6. Your work space can be any suitable spot in the house that's comfortable for you. The roof, the spare bedroom (next to the drums), the hidden toilet that nobody knows about in the basement (clear out the bodies first). You can erect a shed out back or in the basement. Rent space at Storage R Us, and pray Storage Wars isn't filming there. If you have kids, a crawl space will be sufficient. For them, not you.
7. If your wife doesn't work, you will need a bunch of phrases to gently remind her that you're working, if she wants to interrupt you. The phrases all mean Shut The F- Up, but you need to make them gentle and varied. Yes, Dear. I would love to, but I'm working. Wanna play Hide The Salami later? Can't you give me a little space, you invasive she-devil; you have ruined my life. You can pull from this pool or make your own.
8. You must keep the work atmosphere clean and free of interruptions. If your girlfriend comes over, do NOT introduce her to your wife.

He's Not Writing About Sports Again, Is He?

Only a tiny bit, I promise.
It came to my attention, indirectly, that the Philadelphia Eagles won an important game. If you're from Philly, it's pronounced "Dem Iggles." I say indirectly because that's the only way I'd hear about it. I was in a mall or slaughterhouse somewhere and my phone started making noises, telling me my friends were in a group chat. It got really annoying, as any more than one DING does. They appeared to be commenting on a game. Since it's cold, it was probably Dem Iggles. I could see the straining through the phone. I suggested fiber. Apparently they won. My friends probably had to change their shorts after that. It took me quite a while to wash out the flying bits of animal that were intercepted by my clothes.

The whole thing reminded me of a lovely, happy celebration I saw once. It should be on a billboard that says "Welcome to Philadelphia".

I think she's a cheerleader

I told you it would only be a little bit.

I lied. Here's a little bit more: people are making dog masks and wearing them, in support of Dem Iggles. We are a nation of morons.

• Fortunately for Hawaii, the incoming missile alert was false. Triggered by one mouse click, the entire state went into panic. While one click set it off, there was no Cancel click, so 30+ minutes of panic ensued until somebody figured it out. Is it remotely possible that the alert system is about as mature as Carrot Top? That no one knows where to go? That we need a $*#)ing incoming missile alert? grumble grumble grumble YAH.
• The employee who clicked must be the most hated and horribly embarrassed person in 50 states. He was reassigned because it was a 'mistake'.
• Remember the Good Old Days, when the missile threat was from Russia?
• To give you an idea of how serious Hawaii is about security, they posted a serious looking picture of a serious looking man in front of serious looking computer equipment. It all looked pretty serious.. especially the password on the Post-it note, attached to a screen. It's apparent that we should just surrender now.

It's bloody snowing again. I flash back to winters where we barely saw snow [sigh]. True to form, our 'annoying dusting', which was to show up late tonight, managed to rear its ugly head at least twelve hours in advance. To be fair, the forecasters said eight. So they were damn near correct, especially for them.

But wait!!!!  It will snow tomorrow morning very early.  4-6" forecast, maybe 1-2", depending on day of the week and who you ask, and if their dice are rigged.

As soon as I started grumbling, I remembered a very early adopter of this (alleged) blog, who is completely friggin' buried under snow in Kentucky. Kentucky is prepared for snow only a little more than Hawaii. The drunken lawn tractor races have been postponed for a while, which is a shame, as this is the official sport of Kentucky. The KKK is deliriously happy, as it's white all around. They expect to have a highway cleared. At some point. The locals may be expected to clear streets themselves, which may require chains on their lawn tractors, and worst of all, being sober while running them. The local police have sprung into inaction, triggering heart attacks, because they thought it was raining cocaine. Can you imagine... 8+ inches of cocaine all over the place? People would be so stoned they couldn't move. Which may not be a bad thing for Kentucky.

The Kentucky Tourist Board says Come to Kentucky-it's a great place to rest.
Because you can't go anywhere.

• Indiana, free of snow (temporarily), is the site of yet another ransomware attack. Hancock Health got stung, forcing the entire crew to go back to pencil and paper. Employees under 25 had to go for training, as none could operate a pencil.
• Hats off to Hancock, which got back up shortly after the infection. This is due to good backups. How did they get infected? The most likely culprit was some genius, who was 'forced' to click on a link. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no law that says you must click. Practice safe surfing. Remember the ThermionicEmissions motto: Just Don't Do It.

If you use the Chrome browser, or browsers based on Chrome, you'll want to make sure you're not using these extensions: Change HTTP Request Header, Nyoogle - Custom Logo for Google, Lite Bookmarks, or Stickies - Chrome's Post-it Notes. They were designed to allow Bad People<tm> to send Bad Commands to your browser. Uninstall NOW.

• Perhaps it's my advanced age, but I'm flummoxed at the new trend of kids eating Tide laundry pods. Whatever happened to live frogs? As best I can tell, this stuff is not a part of the Recommended Daily Allowance of food, plus it would appear to be bad for you. If you're going to do it, don't be a sissy and just drink some radiator unclogger or Drano. Besides - everybody knows Tide with Bleach tastes better.
• When I was a teen, we put M-80s in glass soda bottles (remember them?) and ran like hell. Good clean fun - not like these kids today.

Is your computer sluggish? Does it have a bad attitude? Do you wish it was faster? Get yourself a solid state drive (SSD). I use them and can attest to the speed boost. Buy the largest you can afford because data expands - especially porn. You can even buy a small one to put your operating system on, the your data on your existing drive. A larger one will allow you to just duplicate your existing drive - the SSD comes with directions. If the thought terrifies you or you fear reading, ask your local teenager or geek. Everybody knows a geek. They can be paid in money, Dunkin Donuts gift certificates, or sex.

• Today's oxymoron: delicious vegetable lasagna.

The New York Times reports that the Pentagon has suggested countering cyberattacks with a nuclear response. That sounds like a perfectly normal response. I don't want to come off as any kind of expert on cyberattacks or nuclear retaliation, but I was wondering if maybe we could get some really hot cybersecurity people to harden the systems and some really hot hackers to put on the offense. The NSA has demonstrated that it has 'goodies' planted in foreign networks. Ah, now that I think about it, if we can't bill Lockheed for it, the Pentagon doesn't want to hear about it.  But using the nuclear option will certainly assure us that they won't do it again.

• Apropos of nothing, Pornhub saw a 50% increase in traffic from Hawaii in minutes after the false alarm was rescinded. The internet (the world) runs on porn.

Today we ask the question "Is this the golden age of drag?"
Why we ask the question completely escapes me. Stay tuned for other escapeful questions.

• New Jersey is a great place. It's a town where law and order rules the day If you don't believe me, ask the guy in Hackensack, who got a ticket for jaywalking, right after he got hit by a truck. 

Whither Plumbing

Meanwhile, on this Martin Luther King holiday, I have tackled trash, drains, toilets, dishes, and occasionally, the dog.  I'm strangely pleased. Instead of a four page screed on Manual Labor being hispanic, I'm borderline tipsy with glee. Wait, make that joy.. glee is a little too gay for me.

For those of you keeping track of and guiltily enjoying some of my horror, we had a Plumbing Event a short while back. Let's say that we came to appreciate the little things in life, like a glass of water, flushing the toilet, and showering. After paying yet another ridiculous bill, allowing Roto Ranger to buy a new truck, we were allowed to shower again (whether we wanted to or not). New truck aside, I have only good things to say about Roto Ranger. Nice guys, great work, they left it much cleaner than they found it, and they were polite enough not to say anything after they saw Jimmy Hoffa's body, over in the corner.

A coupla days ago, someone flushed a toilet. This is a fairly normal occurrence, which normally gathers no notice. This time, however, the other toilet let out a house-shaking gurgling, as if Satan himself had taken residence in our pipes. As the toilet was still on its mount, I gingerly backed out of the bathroom, content to let the Dark One do whatever dark ones do in plumbing.

Unimpressed by my display of leaving him alone, Satan continued his work, by making the toilet overflow when I flushed it. I swore, when it was all over, I was going to bill him for all the Playboys and Vintage Guitar magazines that got ruined. Later, I was summoned to the torture chamber basement, where it was raining. Now it wasn't raining outside, so I used my Science Brain to deduce that it was only raining inside. This is why I get the Big Bucks. She had just showered, which must've had something to do with the rainfall (I told you I was good). She shouted out directions in the way only she can, which meant I only understood about half of what she said. This served only to annoy her, at which point I started to feel bad for Satan.

The rain seemed to be coming from a large diameter pipe that had the nerve not to be cloud-shaped. Fortunately for us, the water was coming down outside the pipe. Yes, it was still raining, but it wasn't from a burst pipe. In my life, it's always the little things.

Out of nowhere, I wondered if it had something to do with that little lever jigger that you use to keep the water from going down the drain if you want a bath. In a stunning display of bravery and confidence, my wife had removed it because it wouldn't shut all the way. Unfortunately, bravery didn't extend to putting the new one in. Apparently this way My Job, but I didn't know it until just that moment, in the basement rain. There was no transfer paperwork or customary thirty days' notice. The only problem was that I didn't see it come out and had no idea how it worked. I checked with the brand spanking new Master Plumber, who told me all I needed was to put back the screws. This went swimmingly, only causing a few trips up and down steps, and about thirty minutes of screaming at the parts. It still didn't work, which made the Master Plumber give up. A few adjustments later and I fixed it (he said proudly). If I were a real plumber, I would have charged her $550 for it, plus the off hours fee.

A day later, the basement sink got clogged. Satan had been a busy little bee. The Master Plumber got right on it, with her lotions and her potions, designed to blow a hole in the ... ummm... hole.  At that point, the Master Plumber handed things over to the Reluctant Apprentice and promptly retired, screaming about someone had better fix it or we'd have to take out a fourth mortgage to pay the real plumber. She was kind enough to leave me detailed instructions that only left out a few steps here and there. If you ever get bored, or get a clogged sink, pour baking soda on/in it, then some vinegar. It's like a mountain of an explosion that gets down there and cleans and shines your pipes to a mirror finish. One pot of boiling water and two plunges later, we were back in business.

I didn't expect or deserve a parade; it was my damn sink too. I told her maybe just a little kiss on the cheek and a high-pitched "You're my HERO!" Judging by the way she held the chainsaw in her hand, I was unlikely to get much of anything, except for bloody.

HALLELEUJAH, we had achieved pipes! Water flow. Dishes. Toilets flushing.
Just for fun I plunged a toilet, which flushed effortlessly.  The other one... well.. Satan was still in the house, making that horrible noise when the other toilet flushed. This time it sounded like an earthquake, with the toilet about to shoot across the room at any moment. Flying toilets are not in my job description, so I called the Plumbing Police and told them to bring a priest. He did his magic and blessed the place, stopping only long enough to ask if there were any good little children who wanted to be his special altar boys.

In other news, we're thinking of laying off the fiber.


)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((


Apparently I typed too quickly.

The Demons of Stupidity came back for another exciting round.
After working 2 jobs, I had to go food shopping because I was OUT OF COFFEE. You understand the implications of this.

Let's say never send a man to do a woman's job.

She shops, which is good. She physically couldn't, so I did.
She wrote out a list, assuming I knew what she was talking about and where everything was. See where this is going?

First item, special cheese. I had to call and ask what this was.
Call cell phone: goes right to voicemail. sigh.
Call house phone: all circuits are busy.
WHAT?
All circuits are busy. Since when? It's 2018 - why can't I complete a phone call?
Plugged earphones into phone, so I could listen to music. The cord tied itself around the phone and every other object it could find. This is when one or the other wasn't falling out of an ear. I see people using earphones every day. Do I need a class for special earphone users? Does the valedictorian get his picture taken with President Nixon?

Have you ever seen somebody go completely MENTAL in a supermarket?
It was all I could do not to scream bloody murder. My day apparently wasn't going as well as I hoped. My phone helped by readjusting the volume to 'protect' me. This is almost as welcome as my car DINGING at me repeatedly when I take off my seatbelt. Seatbelt: the thing that holds your dead body in the car after the crash. The thing that gets caught and keeps the door from closing.

I was finally going to get my lemon Snapple.
Oops, I was prematurely optimistic, as I tend to be premature in general. No lemon Snapple except for diet. People who drink Diet Snapple also drink 2% milk. They eat two hoagies and a diet Snapple, because they're worried about their weight.
I think the store just stopped carrying it and is just screwing with their customers, telling them it will be on the shelf tomorrow. I would definitely do that. This is one of the many reasons I don't work in retail. One of the others is that customers who annoyed me (most of them) kept mysteriously developing burns on random parts of their bodies. They never found out how it happened.

How about some chocolate milk from the list?
Good luck finding chocolate milk. There is a wall with four separate doors, full of milk. But no chocolate milk. Oh wait - how about some lactose-free chocolate milk? Ummmmm..... no. Hmmmm.... 2%?  No serious person drinks 2% chocolate milk. Hey, there's another cold section with actual chocolate milk. Of course there is. And it's not chocolate milk, it's some bizarre chocolate drink-like substance, probably with no actual chocolate in it. Meanwhile, the phone is continuing to help me by adjusting the volume of the music, sometimes in the middle of a song. I'm singing out of tune with a song only I can hear in my head. I was very busy shopping, but it had something to do with chopping off heads and general indiscriminate maiming. My eyeballs are spinning like a slot machine. People were fleeing the general vicinity. Little children were crying. And I could find bags of lemons but no actual loose lemons. I'm told it's inappropriate to hurl bags of lemons over your head like some kind of 'special' superhero. Lemon Man - Lemon Man can! Am I digressing? You bet your car's blown fuse that keeps the interior lights from coming on, I'm digressing.

There are certain facts that are helpful to know.
The most relevant one, aside from letting someone ELSE do the shopping, is that you cannot buy real chocolate milk - only 2%. It's apparently been this way for a while. All this time I've been protesting getting screwed by two political parties that aren't different from each other, when I could be protesting something important - who the hell says I can't have real full fat-engorged chocolate milk? Who is 'protecting' me from chocolate milk? 2% milk is for people who think 2% is going to make the tiniest bit of difference in their lives. Like drinking it is going to make you look like a Victoria's Secret model. "Oh, I drink 2%. You can keep your real milk."

At this point, seven people move their carts directly in front of the milk, as if choreographed. There was chocolate milk back there, but I'd have to go through all seven of them, grab the chocolate milk, then pay and run to the car, hoping they wouldn't call the police. The irony here is that the police were down the street, at the convenience store (no, not the Dunkin Donuts).

Once home, I put away some groceries, after it being noted that everything I purchased was wrong, and I look slightly to my left. Where both huge halves of the sink are completely full and backed up from Satan knows where. All over again.

The wife reminded me that murder stubbornly continues to be illegal.

My hard-earned, small, just for me bonus?
It's going to the plumber.
Sometimes they like to torture me by letting me touch the money first. I get actual money and can feel its crispness, smell the fresh glory of the green. If I were a dog, I could smell the drug residue on it, as most money has drug residue on it. I can imagine what I'll do with it. Then the sink backs up, the money leaps out of my pocket, and if I don't pay the home improvement salesmen, they're threatening to send more of them around, especially during dinner.


Epilogue:
The job took my entire bonus, plus another ten percent, for good luck. I saw things that people should never see.

He Was A Wanted Man

...by everyone but his wife.


I don't want you to stop using Faceyspaces because I say so. Do the research. Watch the video and become truly upset - it's how deep the data collection and profiling goes.

• The House has voted to renew mass surveillance. If you think these people have your back, you're sadly mistaken. Talk to your senators NOW.
• Irony: hacking group Fancy Bear is targeting Senate emails.  The senate would be subject to mass surveillance. Yeah, right.

According to Kaspersky, a whopping 88% of employees know little about their company's IT security policies. Only 88% ?  Good thing they didn't measure how many care.

• OOPSIE: Nuclear weapons systems are vulnerable to cyber-attacks, which could at worst lead to compromise and inadvertent launches. Unfortunately, they were designed pre-digital. Wasn't it recently that we discovered they use floppies?
• President Trump today apologized, in a phone call, to Putin for the inadvertent destruction of the Kremlin.

Microsoft is adding end-to-end encryption to Skype for secure and private conversations. This is what we call irony, as Microsoft has backdoors to itself and the NSA.

• It's not that the weather is weird, but we've had three weeks of sub-freezing temperatures. The other day, it was so warm, we shut down the second heater. Today, there are no heaters, because we have to run the fan. Not to worry, though; it's been raining or sleeting for the majority of the time. I'm renewing the call for a telethon for the purpose of getting us a climate.

I want to advise my people to be very careful in purchasing or using their sex robots, because a hacker with a warped sense of humor can weaponize them to kill you. Do you really want this kind of headline upon your passing?

• In Ireland, there's a town with a little sign that says Welcome to Muff. I think I'd like to eat there.

Despite taking in record individual-income-tax revenues, the federal government ran a deficit of approximately $225 billion during the quarter. Once they get their hands in your pocket, they will never come out. Stop re-electing them - they couldn't organize a sock drawer.

• Next year's self-driving Chevrolet Bolt will have no pedals or steering wheel; leaving the driving entirely to the car. What could possibly go wrong?

Ultrarunner accused of winning races by hiding in Port-a-Potty.

I've finally found my exercise plan. Wife says this is a shitty job.

• President Trump had a physical, which revealed he's in excellent health. House democrats have subpoenaed records, claiming there was no physical. Salon wants to know why Melania didn't have one. Hillary said that physicals are for mortals. Rachel Maddow voted for cancer. CBS wants the exam gown. CNN put together a six-part series on how he could get away with this, called Physical-Gate: Shock and Outrage.
• While all of this was going on, Trump sent another volley of troops and who knows what else to Afghanistan. Endless war, you know.

NOTE TO WIFE: Putting those healthy snacks in a bag that looks just like my bag-o-junk is not going to make me eat them. Dried chips of this and that have all the appeal of liver smoothies.

• My spiritual friends from Free the Nipple are taking their case to the New Hampshire Supreme Court.  After being told to cease their topless bathing, the women refused, got ticketed, and are now suing for the right to go topless. They claim their rights are being violated and that it is discriminatory that men are allowed to walk around with their nipples exposed. Further, there are no laws against being topless.
• This is the kind of legal wrangling I like to get my hands on. So to speak.

If you have any reason to be in Turkey, I'd recommend not being in Turkey. Or at very least, not getting near the airport.  This plane found a very inappropriate parking spot.  Apparently the pilot was going for a water landing when the copilot suggested the airport instead. They compromised.

What I Learned At The Mall

I like to get out of the house once every month or so on a non-work expedition.

This is usually made difficult by weather, scheduling conflicts, aches, fibromyalgia, pains, and/or just plain inability to be up and functional before three.  Today we overcame many obstacles and ventured forth.

Since it has been so warm, it was somehow necessary to go down to the teens today. You have to wear several layers of clothing because if your nipples get hard and freeze, they may break off (it's ok, I am a doctor).

I remember when malls were malls.

(then what are they now?)

We wanted to see the Disney Store because it was closing and might have some must-have Eeyore merchandise. Silly humans... there wasn't so much as a mug and they no longer carry adult t-shirts (or Eeyore merchandise of any type). Small wonder they're going out of business.

For a Saturday at the mall, it was suspiciously free of customers, not that we minded. Wife found a Vietnamese place in the food court. Wife is not from there, nor does she know anyone from there, so naturally she wanted the food. I can't tell you if it's the same with all Vietnamese people, but these particular examples had an interesting method of running a business: either not showing up or hiding in the back to get away from those pesky customers. Like idiots, we stood there. I strongly suggested she pick up a metal chair and BANG IT REPEATEDLY on the metal counter to test their hearing. As you might have guessed, I'm the funny one in the family. Several other ... what do you call them.... yeah - customers.. several other potential customers had less patience and walked away. While it is physically possible that there are people who have less patience than me, I don't really believe there are any. So she wound up at the Generic Chinese Place with the nice Chinese lady out front, giving out samples. Apparently they had many different varieties of grease, most of which she purchased. For a person trying to be nice to her stomach, this was puzzling. 

We located a Fruity Fresh Smoothie-type place and took a look. For a place that had a lot of fruit, it looked good. Fortunately, hidden over to one side, was the ice cream menu. We can't let the hippies win, people. I have to admit, strawberry banana yogurt sounded halfway decent, but I'm a clever type and got them to substitute vanilla ice cream for that tasteless probiotic yogurt crap. So I ate my first fruit of the year; possibly my last.

There are few people on the planet who will deny Carlos Santana is one serious guitar mofo. Turns out he designs guitar straps, paints, and has a shoe line for women. Strangely enough, they're pretty nice. When Wife wanted a pair, I told her only if the purchase included the ability to play like Carlos. Naturally she got them anyway.

Speaking of shoes, I don't get some of the ideas on display. Everybody gets hooker shoes and hooker boots - they're cool and vaguely normal these days. I want to know why some of the women's shoes look like they've been through a shredder. There are many slices actually missing from these shoes. Continuing the theme, other shoes seem to be missing their front or back, sometimes both. So you're either walking around with shredded shoes or shoes that expose your toes or heel. Any way you go, you better wear them at night because sun exposure is gonna look weird on your feet.

What's really weird is that the Disney store is not the only one closing. There appeared to be about four in a row, closing within a few days. Someone suggested high rent. Another said people are only buying online. I thought kids liked malls, online aside. Plus even I have to leave the house once in a while, and it's not going to be playing outside in ten degree weather (with a wind chill of minus 8). We found a nice pet accessory store, where we discussed the relative merits of chicken parmesan versus sweet potato flavored treats. We could tell that this was a good pet store, as they had cocker coasters with an actual black cocker (almost all accessories have a light colored dog). We went with the chicken and he sort of looked at them, sniffed, and walked away. This is a dog that eats raw Brussels sprouts. We also got him one of those military bomb proof snake things with the squeakers in it. He attacks and disembowels them, removing the squeaker for the safety of himself and his family. Tonight he watched Mommy throw it and went elsewhere. Picky bastard, ain't he?

I will never forgive this mall for letting Cinnabon go. I don't want to suggest that this was the genesis of mall failure to thrive, but it sure is coincidental. And like most malls, you could buy as many cell phones as you wanted, along with women's shoes and women's clothing. One shoe store had four aisles of women's shoes and some small shelf in the back with men's. Every now and then I let my wife buy me some white socks, but what is this telling us? The mall is in a decent area with some upscale stores and a few magnets (JC Penney, Sears, etc).

Speaking of location, there's an adult store around the corner. I used to joke about it with my parents. One day Mom called to let me know they had added another floor to the store. She is a model for moms everywhere. Well, most of the time. She sometimes travels to get things, like spices. She found a Spice Shop around the corner and went in to check things out. After a very short look around, she discovered that Spice did not refer to smelly things in little bottles. In fact, it looked spicy, like that adult store she told us about. Yes, Mom walked right into the lingerie portion of the store. I don't want to think about what would have happened had she wandered further back. The Big Gay Bob doll with the twelve inch vibrating penis wouldn't look right in her closet. And if it did, I sure as hell don't want to know about it.

My local mall has four levels of shoe stores. They too allowed Cinnabon to escape. Now there are four levels of shoe stores and one level of cell phones and cell phone accessories. And pocketbooks that routinely cost more than my first few cars. Combined. Last year we got warning notices that they were opening an Apple store in the mall. This is because any store carrying more than ten percent Apple products is required to warn the surrounding area (5 mile radius). It's a good thing they did, so I can stay off that level. If I really need to get to that level, I have to put on a flameproof suit and cling tightly to the store on the other side. Sometimes I still hear the lights and sirens, as well as my skin starting to burn, which is really bad when you're in a closed astronaut suit. When I die and go to hell, it will look like a Chuck E Cheese. Either that or a left-handed guitar store right next to an Apple store.

Putting Shellfish Up My Nose

You tell me: if the first thing that happens in the morning is that the toilet overflows all over the floor for no particular reason, is it a bad sign?

• Is Oprah Winfrey really going to run for president? Mrs lefty asked what her qualifications are - losing weight then gaining it?
• I said that's not fair: she recommends books for her drooling legions of fans to read.
• To be absolutely fair, Barack Obama was a little known senator and Donald Trump had no political experience at all, although some argue that his financial experience qualifies him.

VTech, the company that put out toys that collect data (spy) on children, was heavily punished for this, to the tune of $650,000. Yes, they're certainly hurting. They've definitely learned their lesson, yes sir. Oh, by the way, the fine went to the Federal Trade Commission, not the affected families.

VTech has agreed to strengthen security around these devices. Hopefully that trend will catch on. Better yet, stop collecting data they have no business collecting. Who do they think they are - the government?

• A t-shirt company has a new one that says "Little Monkey" on it. The picture of it featured two black children. Imagine their surprise when people got very upset about it.
• Who could have predicted this?
• This company's next t-shirt features a face with a huge nose, with the caption "We Own Everything". It will be modeled by Jewish children.

Recently, at an airport checkpoint, this multi-step drill bit was discovered in a passenger's luggage. 

The bit was confiscated, as it could be used as a weapon.

You know, when the owner whipped out his drill on the plane, then started asking people where he could plug it in. 

On the bright side, it wasn't a box cutter.

• a recent article on blogger safety made several recommendations, the first being not to overshare. This is a valuable tip and valid concern.
• I feel protected, as I have a rich inner life and make all this shit up anyway.

Wireless security has a long and checkered history. At first there was no security. Then WEP security, which is very close to no security. The current standard is WPA2, which takes a bit longer than five minutes to crack (like WEP). It is interesting to note that Verizon was still configuring their home wireless routers with WEP as of a few years ago.

The new standard being worked on is WPA3. It promises the sun, moon, and stars. Unknown to the leaders of the project, the participants are also putting together a pool, where the winner will guess the exact week it will be cracked.

• The NSA is experiencing poor morale. Perhaps they feel bad about what they're doing to people.
• Just kidding - it's attributed to low pay, reorganization and recent leaks.
• In other letter agency news, the FBI Director has once again called for encryption backdoors to be created in mobile devices so that authorities can exclusively use them to access data stored on citizens' devices.
• Make no mistake, the reach of these agencies goes far beyond their authorization. Once there's a potential for abuse, there will be abuse. They cannot and will not be constrained. Contact your representatives and let them know this does not fly. They, of course, will tell you it will 'keep us safe' and it's for the children.

Great New State Laws

A new year, a new set of stupid laws and reactions to them.

In Oregon, a new law allows residents to pump their own gas. Oregon and New Jersey were the only two states that prohibited self-pumping. Having (unfortunately) driven in New Jersey, I have to say it's nice to have someone pump your gas for you every now and then. The folks who operate the pumps are generally men with turbans, from my experience, nearest a bridge.

Oregonians immediately became horrified at this dangerous legislation. They took to social media to talk about the danger of self-pumping and how nobody should be allowed to do so, only "qualified" gas-pumping workers (is there a degree?).

It hurts like hell to be serious, but even this tiny new freedom has people up in arms. Small wonder they don't care and won't vote for liberty.

Not to be left behind, Washington enacted a tax on sugary drinks. Unlike Philadelphia, which couched the tax in terms of care for children, Washington went full Nanny State, trying to discourage consumers from drinking "unhealthy" beverages. This tax has already failed in Philly, as has the burdensome New Jersey tax on cigarettes. Even if you approve of Nanny State tactics, this proves they don't work. People were going to the suburbs to buy soda!

Philadelphia and New Jersey have a long, storied history of cultural and financial exchange.  Quite a while back, Jersey's drinking age was eighteen, while Philly's was twenty one.  So every enterprising young partying soul would cross a bridge into New Jersey to go clubbing. 

Philadelphians also discovered that liquor was more heavily taxed and strangely regulated in their home city, so they also crossed the bridge to buy alcohol. New Jersey just happened to have several very large liquor stores right over the bridge. In addition to pricing, these stores offered selection, a quality that was missing in Pennsylvania, because one can only buy liquor in State Stores, run by the state and staffed by the state. Pennsylvania is one of about two states with this ridiculous monopoly. Many have complained, but the system will not allow any infringement, between the state and the union representing the employees. Plus you can't purchase liquor on Sunday, due to ancient and unconstitutional Blue Laws. You can get beer at distributors, but are limited (six pack?) at bars.

Somebody (the state of PA, with help from its Uncle Vito, who has a controlling interest in delivery of liquor to the east coast) took offense at New Jersey getting all that money for alcohol and managed to convince somebody else to station state troopers near the Jersey liquor stores, to hunt down and kill (I mean ticket) people crossing the bridge strictly to purchase alcohol. No, really. No one knows how they were going to determine this or how many were caught, but it probably had the effect of increasing revenue at the stores farther from the bridge.

Stick with me here.... Philly levied an absolutely ridiculous set of taxes on cigarettes, pushing the per-pack price to around ten dollars. Not to be outdone, New Jersey went even further, pushing their per-pack price to twenty five dollars, and their case price required proof of a second mortgage  (I'm making these prices up).  So New Jerseyans started crossing the bridge to buy cheaper ciggies. As if by magic, cigarette stores popped up almost at the foot of the bridge, some even selling raw tobacco for the do-it-yourself crowd.

So yeah, Nanny State and sin taxes are a miserable failure, driving money away from the area it's supposed to 'benefit'. Let me take just a short moment to reflect the spirit of the Founding Fathers: Nanny State laws are anti-freedom and morally wrong. In a free society, people are free to make their own decisions, even if they're bad ones. If Nanny Stating actually worked, those horrid warnings on cigarette packs would be effective. In the UK, the warnings are so dire and large, you can read them from across the room, long before you can tell what brand they are. WARNING: THIS SHIT WILL KILL YOU.

As for the transit between PA and NJ, New Jersey is getting angry about a perceived trade imbalance. Philly's unofficial response was, "Yo. Fuck you."

In part two of this seemingly endless screed, I'll make up a fake civil war between the states; describing what it will look like and what sorts of projectiles will be lobbed across the water.

• Now would be a good time to get out to your supermarket: mine is blowing out something I didn't know existed.. M&M Caramel. It's like a crunchy little Rolo. I've taken out most of a bag in a day. They're almost as good as Peanut Butter M&Ms. This is the kind of important information you get at ThermionicEmissions. Tell your friends. But not your diabetic friends.

Listen up, iPhone folks: since the 6s, there's a Health app. I don't know anything about it and hadn't heard about it til today.  Police caught a rape/murder suspect and examined his phone. In addition to the GPS location, the Health app tracked him going upstairs and downstairs, which correlated to the location of the victim. So if I had the Health app, I'd disable it on an immediate basis. Uninstall if possible. I know you're not going to murder anybody (well, I hope not), but your location and movement information is yours alone.

• A breach allowed access to the personal information of 30,000 Florida Medicaid recipients. The information included ID number, birth date, diagnoses, and social security number. The breach was the result of a phishing expedition against employees. It was noted that the human factor is the weakest link in the security chain. Sad but true.
• Auto-tech firm Telenav announced on Thursday an “in-car advertising platform” for internet-connected cars. Yes, you will now receive ads on your dashboard. And because your car has sensors, the advertiser will know exactly where you are and will suggest something nearby. What? This isn't your idea of Driving Heaven? No problem - just pay extra to opt out. Toyota, Lexus, Ford, and GM already use the company's connected car products. Doesn't this give you a warm feeling? Like you just peed in your pants...

No matter your mood, the sight of a vigorous tail-wagging will make you smile. Try it.