Some Things Suck More Than Other Things

Former President Barack Obama has reportedly asked Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists not to meet with Donald Trump following the firestorm of publicity over Kanye West. I cannot verify this, but it's a good one.

If I were Obama, I'd call and ask Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists to attempt real music, if at all possible.

• A South Carolina NAACP leader accused the police of racial profiling when they pulled him over. He told his passengers not to move because the officer looked like he was going to shoot them. He claimed that the police accused him of having drugs in the car and what was he doing in that neighborhood.  
• Bodycam footage shows the officer not shooting anybody, not accusing him of having drugs in the car, and not asking what he was doing in that neighborhood.
• The man was not racially profiled - he failed to use his turn signal.
• Uh-oh, NAACP. The Race Card<tm> seems to have failed you.

Arizona is planning for INCOMING in case California has an earthquake.

Plans include portable Starbucks, smog trucked in from Los Angeles plastic surgeons to do emergent nose and breast jobs, individual tent mansions, indoor parking for Mercedes and up, and a stage for Berkeley to protest anything and everything, 24 hours a day. And no paper bags - only plastic.

Arizona is counting its blessings, already having way more than their share of illegal aliens, but hasn't yet figured out what to do to make the Californians comfortable around guns, which everybody owns. Because of their inflexibility on this issue, California has passed a resolution condemning Arizona's effort to help them and stating that they will boycott the state, preferring to take their personal environmentally green aircraft to a more friendly, socially conscious state, like... well.... they'll get back to us on this.

• Starbucks has ordered all locations to allow anyone to sit or use the rest room, regardless of whether or not they're customers.  Starbucks' regulars are worried about the place looking like a homeless camp. The only people pleased by this are the people who don't go to Starbucks. They're laughing so hard they see spots.

In a welcomed event for all airlines, today's headlines involve a passenger. Sort of.  Some old guy verbally and physically assaulted two women and touched one sleeping female passenger and later asked another woman about her sexual and marital life. Ok, here's the part where the airline could have done a bit better: they moved his seat, whereupon he urinated on the seat in front of him. He was arrested upon landing, then offered a movie deal by Adam Sandler.

• Speaking of Adam Sandler, a bunch of masked students recently ran into a school with water guns and firecrackers. I love me some black humor but there are some things even I won't do. High School Me is laughing and applauding.

In yet another giant step backwards for England, it is now going to protect its citizens from the 'wild west of the internet' by enacting new laws on social media. Those wacky Brits are heading down a dangerous path at record speeds. No knives over 3", no vegetable peelers or carpet knives, no swearing in public, continued refusal to drive on the correct side of the road, and jail time for insulting people online. What will they protect their citizens from next week? And are the citizens awake enough to notice this, no less do something about it?

• Oh God no - please... I just discovered a show called Paris Hilton - My New BFF. It was the last minute of the show, thankfully, as I was already pulling my hair out and losing the contents of my stomach from the last week. Have we truly reached End Times? Can they possibly come up with anything more inane, self-absorbed, or totally without redeeming content? I'll bet they can.

My hell is your entertainment, hopefully.

Let me start by saying that every f-ing time I try to order something online, I miss shopping in-person. And when I shop in-person, I miss online convenience.

Having said that, Amazon is cancer.

Just for fun, let's add two people who tend to be alpha in certain situations.

Don't use my account - I can't do it now, create your own.

Ok, I created it. It will only give me 2 day delivery if I do a trial of Amazon Prime.

Ok, do it.

No, we already have Prime. It's attached to your account.

Ok, fine, I'll do it on my phone. Write down what you want.

Write down? With a PEN? I can't do that. You don't want to see that.

[2 minutes later]

Is this what you wanted?

No.

I don't see it then.

So I create my own account and am ready to hit GO, when I realize they're going to charge me TAX. Originally tax was only charged if the seller was in the same state. I am not aware of an Amazon here, so I'm thinking the thieving bastards in the State capitol legislated their hands into our pockets. Again. To make matters more interesting, the shipping is taxed too.

Perhaps it would be helpful if Amazon used a little-known retail trick called Model Number. Sssshhhhhhh - it's a secret.  Think about this... we have two different computers with two similar searches and two different results. In fact, the item I'm looking to spend money on can not be brought up on her search at all, in any way.

We're doing our best, but the Strangle Urge is surfacing in both of us. Since Amazon is not physically present, it gets directed at each other [marriage counselors take note].

There are reviews, you know.

These headphones are almost the quality of my $300 Bose headphones.

These headphones suck.

These headphones are too tight.

Ignore the other reviews, the headphones are plenty large.

People tell me I sound like I was in a fishbowl.

The sound is crystal clear over the phone.

and these are the products with near 5 star ratings.

Finally I gave up and had her order something that looked similar with similar features. Both of us are alive and relatively unscathed. The dog is hiding upstairs, terrified of his parents. The police just left, but it's taking the SWAT team a while to get out of their vests and pack up the Armored Personnel Carrier the army gave them.

• It's been the saddest time in my car's life. Actually our life. Ever since the CD changer broke, we've had nothing but broadcast radio to listen to. Have you experienced the horror?  So I have to procure a new one.
• I know everybody has new stereos, with all sorts of whiz-bang features, but this is all new to me. I really like the Bluetooth compatibility. This will allow people in the back seat to play music, even if somebody in the front seat is already playing music.  It's a veritable bonanza of fun. Some units come with a remote control. WTF do you need a remote control for?  Again, the back seat people are laughing hysterically, playing with the controls. And they get all this fun at no cost to themselves!  If only they could Bluetooth the car for unplanned acceleration, help with the turn signals, and rolling up the window when the policeman is talking to the driver.
• I distinctly remember replacing the stereos in my very old cars. In fact, I wake up crying, screaming, and cursing precisely at 4am, so I will never forget. In fact, crying, screaming, and cursing is precisely what was required to get the box into the dash. Crutchfield makes it look so easy, with the adapters and recommendations and wire harnesses and B&D gear. It's their job to make it look easy, because they're total bastards and just like to make people suffer. At no extra charge.
• It's not that I'm old, but I don't trust any stereo that doesn't have knobs on both sides of the display.

Ever wonder what information Apple has on you?

Most of it is metadata, such as your IP and the IP you're going to, but not the content. You might want to have a look (I would, if I used any of their products). As harmless as this might look, any information can be combined with certain other information or details to come up with information you don't want anyone to have.

• So, just because the most hated entities in every category, cable providers, haven't been in the news in the past three days or so, Comcast has what's technically referred to as a Biggie. Your account and password has been exposed to the known universe. 
• Once again, a business entity has blamed 'a bug' for what is just Stupid Lack of Security and Human Error.
• Armed with an address and account number, anyone could get your login and password. Isn't that spiffy? The answer will come to you in plain text, as opposed to encrypted.
• Comcast removed the 'bug' and spoke thusly:

• "There's nothing more important than our customers' security," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again."
• Translated: "There's nothing more important than not getting caught," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that we won't get caught again." 

Speaking of cars, BMW has made security its top priority after learning that many cars can be accessed with a few dollars of parts. Let's face it - nobody wants anybody to steal or mess with their car.  BMW is terrified of the possibility that a hacker will re-enable the long dormant turn signals.

• a New York high school will use CCTV and facial recognition to enforce discipline. This is the beginning of the slide. "It's for the children" was the cry for anything against the Fourth Amendment after 9-11. Now it's school shooters and discipline. The system will watch everything and identify the student 'after their picture is uploaded to the system'. Big Brother is now in school. Then of course it will be the little children, because we have to 'keep them safe'.

MIXED BLESSINGS

The ACLU sent a letter to Amazon, demanding they not provide their AI facial recognition system, Rekognition, to the government.  I like this.

The system can track people in crowds and identify them. You know governments everywhere will want it.   I don't like this.

The ACLU's letter includes: 

"...the company’s product is primed for abuse in the hands of governments, poses a grave threat to communities already unjustly targeted in the current political climate, and undermines public trust in Amazon"  We do not like the president and he spies on people.

"Particularly in the current political climate, we need to stop supercharged surveillance before it is used to track protesters, target immigrants, and spy on entire neighborhoods. We’re blowing the whistle before it’s too late.”  We really do not like the president, it has serious 4th Amendment concerns, and we really like illegal aliens."

“We already know that facial recognition algorithms discriminate against Black faces, and are being used to violate the human rights of immigrants,”  Racism! We like to think illegal aliens have rights as non-citizens of this country. We have completely lost our focus as a group.

• Securus, the previously mentioned company that gives law enforcement your phone tracking information, got hacked. 2,800 logins and passwords were stolen. The irony is thick.

NOT THE ONION
Our good friends over at Faceyspaces (UK, US, Canada) are asking you to send them your intimate photos to stop revenge porn.

No, really.

"..photos will only be seen by "a very small group of about five specially trained reviewers"

Sure they will. Because everybody respects privacy, especially at Faceyspaces. Just send us your naked pictures and we promise not to look at them.

we shall never see another and we are the worse for it

GDPR Readiness

As of today, or some random time, in accordance with the EU's GDPR policy (God Damn Policies are Ridiculous), I am bound to inform you that Google is GDPR-compliant. Hopefully there was already a message that told you this.

There will be a cookie or two (not the good kind, dammit) and they both do stuff. Regardless of your knowledge of GDPR, you know Google is going to throw all sorts of cookies at your browser. It's also safe to believe that you're completely tracked, regardless of laws.

If you're 'protected' by GDPR and Google's notice failed to appear or you're not fully convinced I'm making sense, you are advised to hold your breath and I'll get back to you.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah official sounding blah blah blah.











* remember to browse smartly and hygienically. If you don't know what that means (I don't), use Private Mode, which remembers nothing and throws away everything when you're done. Or turn yer damn cookies off. And stuff. You're still going to be tracked.

** there was a rumor that GDPR would also protect your sheep from molestation by the Political Class. This is an untruth. In fact, your babies continue to remain unsafe and should be kept outside of a radius of thirty miles from them.

Armageddon Not Scheduled for This Year - Rest Easy

Some exercise equipment commercial referenced all the benefits to using their latest Wonder Instrument of Torture. First, you'd look like or get their really hot model. Your shapely 310lb frame will fit into a size two when you're done. And it will benefit your core.

I'm sorry, but even with the sad state of public school anatomy curriculum, I don't have a core. Car radiators have a core. Apples have a core. You can core a fruit. We're reaching the core of the matter. You can core more, as well as coring less, but you have no core.

And exercise causes cancer.

• The CIA's "Vault 7" leak was an inside job, according to the FBI. The DIA begs to differ. In keeping with their mission, the TSA has no clue. The DHS isn't commenting because they're still trying to find Vault 6. Very quietly, the NSA is over there in the corner, snickering.

Securus Technologies gives the police the ability to track cell phone locations without a warrant.  Isn't that great? If they can't get your information from a court, they just get in touch with Securus. RIP Fourth Amendment.

• Remember that stupid window cleaner commercial where the birds kept crashing into the windows because they're so clean? Yup, it happens here. You're minding your own business, then BAM - another birdprint on the window. This enrages the woodpecker that pecks on the aluminum siding once a year.

What is it about my phone that causes loud noises and the laws of physics to rearrange themselves?

On a late phone meeting the other night, one of the kids walks in, speaking at the top of her lungs; "HEY LEFTY GUESS WHAT I WAS IN THE YARD AND.." I'm waving my hands and making the universal gesture for STFU - NOW! She waved her hands (loudly) and said she was sorry.

Ten minutes later, someone decided they needed a candle or seven lit, for a calm atmosphere.  Who can argue with a calm atmosphere? Even if there has never been one in the entire time in the house? She started by tripping over some imaginary object - BANG!  The dog BARKED to be let out, because there's something about my boss' voice that starts his bladder talking to him.

Back at table, the phone rings.

Back at the candles, they are getting lit, except for Number Three, which falls over with a SMASH of glass. BANG BANG BANG went the feet as more tripping ensued.

I snicker at the pointlessness and impossibility of getting anything done at home.

At this point I'm incredibly impressed by a glass candle holder whizzing past my head, on the way to a window. And finally, in a futile attempt to continue lighting candles, my wife knocked over a perfect split in bowling, where two candles are on the extreme left and one candle on the extreme right. It might actually be quieter to install a bowling alley in the living room.

• After about three years of consulting, I'm proud to have been offered a job at the company for which I'm consulting. As a full time employee, I'll have to attend orientation, where they'll teach me how to fill in forms, get very little done, and how to nap without snoring. No word on an attitude or whether it's self-developed. The difficult part will be the class in not communicating with my team or other teams.
• About 16 years ago, when I got my last big job, I called my grandmother first, to let her know. She was thrilled. I wish I could call her today. Hopefully they read this blog.

Google AdSense sent out an email about new Terms of Service. You'll get these from various online services because of GDPR-QRSTUV, over in the EU. It's a privacy platform that says advertisers must keep your information secure before they sell it to others. There are occasional ads on this blog, which is how bloggers earn a few pennies per year. In the past eight years or so, I've earned approximately... more or less.... just about... Nothing. This is one of the benefits of having fifteen readers (up from ten). Many years ago, when I was with a Large Network, I made money from blogging. Not guitar money, but a few bucks. When they got unpleasant, I moved here. That really showed them!  Which goes to show you that I do this for nothing. And why shouldn't I?  I appreciate you coming by to see what's going on in leftyWorld.  If you like it, please tell your friends, your parents, and your kids. If you don't like it, please tell your enemies and in-laws (and me).

• London's database of gang members is 87% BAME (Black, Asian, minority, ethnic) and is accused of being "racially discriminatory". It has been suggested that they add some white people to the list to balance things out.

Dave Fullarton was cleaning out a house belonging to a friend who had died, when he came across Army Captain Larry Casey's ashes. As Baltimore National Cemetery made arrangements for a full military burial, Dave put out an invitation on social media for people to attend the veteran's funeral.  Some played Internet Detective and located Casey's widow and daughter, who flew out on one day's notice.

The history goes like this: some of Casey's ashes were spread in a memorial service and the rest were given to his best friend, many years earlier.

Approximately 300 people, including veterans and police, turned out for the funeral.                              I think I've got something in my eye.

• in the Alternate Universe Department, this time it's not me! My wife noticed that when she called her mother, it went right to voicemail. And Mom never noticed. No one else in the entire huge family has this problem. Mom is stymied.
• In order to call her mom, she has to call another family member to call Mom first, then have Mom call her. This should be fun if she needs to get in touch quickly.

Hell truly has frozen over. The pope told a gay man that God made him like this and God loves him. Well, Mr. Pope, from what I understand, that's a very Catholic thing to say - good on ya!  Don't they say love the sinner, hate the sin? Because this is so interesting, let me add that the remarks were made to a victim of clerical sexual abuse. A cynic might say that the insurance company made him say it.

Hoarders has refused to do a show on our house, as we have walkways and nothing's piled higher than anyone's head, Marshall excluded. I'm not sure whether to feel happy or excluded. In that spirit, we're house cleaning.

I have a computer room. Rather, I had a computer room. It's still physically there, but might have blipped into an alternate universe. When I opened the door, it had returned to our universe and I got nostalgic for the times my wife yelled at me because I spent all my time in there computing and building Stuff. So I started the front end loader and got enough things out so I could enter. Then more stuff. Then I remembered I forgot or refused to throw things out, so I went lighter, using a snow shovel. Having carved out enough space to work at the desk, I figured I could clean as I went along.

Perhaps I was a bit too ambitious.

But no experience is without learning, so I learned a few things...

• as little as 1/2" of dust on a keyboard can impair typing
• just because it's a huge outlet strip, with all sorts of things plugged into it, doesn't mean there's actually power there, or to all of the outlets. Fortunately I figured this out before the laptop laughed and shut itself down.
• Old square displays confuse the hell out of laptops, rendering at least one of the screens useless.
• mice with balls still work, people with them, not so much
• I had forgotten about the sensual experience of using a gel mousepad that's leaking gel. Amazon will benefit like mad.
• anything I want to use will be plugged into something else
• I have an odd number of speakers
• it's 20 degrees hotter than the rest of the house and to open the window is going to take some sort of gymnastics that might get me into the Olympics
• like fixing computers, there will be some amount of screaming and cursing involved
• I missed my ergonomic keyboards like mad

I Am Satan's Copilot

Why do I go far out of my way and my salary for my dog? Well, he's my dog, isn't he. That aside, he's the only one who pays attention to me when I speak. From the time we got him, in fact. Whenever I say something to him, he stops what he's doing and looks at me. Until I'm done speaking. Married with kids? You know you can't put a price on that.

• Everybody's meh dining spot, Chili's, has suffered the inevitable Data Breach. There's a bunch of words on the link, which comprise the Official Corporate Excuse. Don't believe anything you read, except for the fact that there was a data breach. They can't exactly tell you where, they can't exactly tell you how (although they have a suspicion), they can't exactly tell you who is affected, and they have the when down to a two month period. Until further notice (from them - I have other things to do), watch your card's statements carefully.
• Better yet, don't eat there. I've yet to have a positive experience in many years. One word comes to mind: wait. I've waited way too long when I was one of four people in the entire restaurant.
• This comes on the heels of the Appleby's hack.
• Use cash. Everywhere.

I have a friend (it's true). I was discussing one of my dinner specialties, Kitchen Sink Burgers, named because I put everything but the kitchen sink into them. They're so tasty, you don't need barbecue sauce or ketchup with them. Friend tells me she doesn't eat much ketchup. What kind of Merkun doesn't eat ketchup on way more things than necessary? Well, it has a lot of sugar in it and I'm limiting the sugar I put in my body. I don't want to get fat.

My friend, you're just over five feet tall, weighing about ninety pounds with soaked winter clothes and a large suitcase of a pocketbook. Is the high fructose corn syrup in a glob of ketchup going to make you blow up like one of the people on My 600lb Life? Where do people come up with ideas?

Of course my friend is a woman... I don't really need to tell you this, because you don't hear this from men....

Hey Jim- how bout a couple hot dogs with chili and extra ketchup and some fries?

Nah [sigh], I can't.

Since when can't you eat a coupla dogs and a 64oz soda?

I'm tryin to cut down.

On WHAT?

Fats.

Fats?

Yeah.

What kinda fat is in hot dogs with chili, extra ketchup, and fries?

All of it.

Dude, you told me you flew through your physical like Harvey Weinstein through a crowd of young starlets.

Yeah, I did, but my body is a temple and I have to watch what I put into it.

Jim, you're starting to frighten me. Is that yogurt in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Both.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting some doggies, post haste.

Well, I'm cutting down, so only ONE dog (with chili and extra ketchup and fries). Make it a Diet Coke instead. Gotta watch my calories too. My figure is going to hell.

• Some Google employees have quit the company over its decision to accept a government contract related to military drones. These are some pretty principled ex-employees - they're ridiculously highly paid, with benefits that would make your head spin. Want a massage at work? Free meals? Like riding your skateboard? Very quietly expensing call girls and boys? (I made that up, but....)
• Google was in the news recently, when it was discovered that they instructed HR explicitly to not hire white males. Yes, libertarians believe private companies should not face government intervention. Google also welcomes input and discussion from employees on corporate decisions (unless you're the guy who complained about the hiring policies and sent copies to the press - then you're fired).
• So you have an interesting situation when you have a huge workplace full of people who are fine with only hiring minorities (regardless of competence - that was also discovered), who are encouraged to give their input into corporate decisions. It makes for interesting outcomes. It also makes one wonder where the ex-employees expect to work, what kind of salary they expect, and if they'll demand the right to share their feelings about the decisions.

I read an article on the Nest 'Smart Home' thermostat, which left me scratching my left elbow and somewhat bewildered. According to the article, the thermostat notified some users about a data breach involving their credentials. It advised them not to reuse credentials (login, password).

This is excellent advice and couldn't be more correct.
However, and there's always a however, my internal alarm bells started to ramp up in volume.

Your thermostat. Warned you about your credentials possibly being breached. Suggested not reusing credentials.

Granted, the notice came in an email, but....
Nest spotted your password on a list of breached credentials. Because it's been proactive when it somehow steals your password(s).  Do you hear any distant alarm bells?

Faceyspaces goes out and checks to see if your password is on any lists.
To be accurate, it uses a hash of your password and looks for the same hash on public sites. No, this does not mean these automated systems smoke certain substances before going to the Dark Web. Hashing is the process of taking your password and performing Certain Mathematical Operations on it.

Giving Google the benefit of doubt, even if they are using hashes, how do they know your password? Do you seriously want your Internet of Things thermostat to listen and warn you something's up? And now Google has this on record. Someone's going on Double Secret Probation.


Welcome to the future. I have to run: there's important safety news from my light bulb.

• Guitars have been thought of as phallic objects. My thought for Jackson Guitars: there's a good reason sales aren't what you thought they'd be with the Dinky.

Diet Coke now has Feisty Mango flavor, proving that getting the marketing department drunk is not always a good idea.

• Hey, got one of those Alexas? Researchers in China and the US have demonstrated the ability to send frequencies containing commands to the device. This can happen with frequencies you can hear and that you can't hear. Yes, this is in the research stage, but don't forget: if it can be done, it will.

 Dogs are being trained to sniff out electronics, specifically USB drives. This came in handy when police used the canine to catch a hacker who was changing grades in school. I think a child who set up an official-looking page to get teachers' logins and used that to get into the system should be encouraged, in a professional sense.

The Electronic Freedom Foundation, a needed resource, assures us that the police can't simply enter your house with a dog: there is a warrant process involved and they have to be very specific. I believe the EFF. But we all know what happened with the alleged warrants the NSA needed to spy on Americans. If it can be done, it will.

• How about that Faceyspaces MyPersonality app..  all of that data from 3 million users was left practically in the open for four years.

What have we learned?

• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't play games or fill out surveys with any personal information at all, online or offline, especially on Faceyspaces. Don't even list your favorite color.
• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't agree to share data
• don't trust Faceyspaces - there will be more of this.

A CNN political analyst deleted his tweet that showed Trump in crosshairs. Chris Calizza said it was unintended and the result of a computer program he and his team used.

Funny - the software had absolutely no glitches while Obama was in office.

Readers, I strongly advise you to check all of your software, lest it post pictures of the president that look vaguely threatening.

• We all noticed the big news about the new American Embassy in Jerusalem. There is absolutely no excuse for this. The old one wasn't broken. More of our tax dollars squandered. Don't we have enough problems at home?

Hey - guess where the Pentagon's classified data and nuclear secrets are going to be stored... you got it - the CLOUD! Apparently the Unmanned Aerial Vehicle that hit the Pentagon on 9-11 did more damage than we thought.

• A survey finds that a quarter of Americans spend all day inside, inaugurating the term "indoor generation." As usual, I was ahead of the trend by years and years.

In society and television's Race to the Bottom, there's a new show called Extreme Cheapskates. It profiles someone, usually of means, who is... extremely cheap. They proudly proclaim it, because this is their fifteen minutes. Perhaps they can combine this with Extreme Couponers, who buy multiple carts of things and pay almost nothing. I'm waiting for Extreme Assholes, which is already partially covered in the current dumpster fire of shows. I shouldn't tell you this because of a non-disclosure agreement, but I'm in meetings with the people from Extreme Sarcasm. Like I care. Keep it to yourself, please.

• During shows, Jimi Hendrix would wreak havoc upon his equipment, especially his Marshall amplifiers, which were as tall as he was. He would approach one and start humping it, then launch himself or a guitar at the speakers. Imagine being the poor S.O.B. who had to stand behind the amplifier and hold it up while Jimi was doing his best to impregnate the other side. What did this person put on his resume? Amp Condom? Humper Stopper? Amp Support Specialist (ASS)?
• I never saw him but I miss him. He was so far ahead of his time that it boggles the mind to think of what he'd be doing today.

So there's a royal wedding coming up. One of the Royal Bastards is marrying a Merkun.  Apparently this is a Royal No-No and many Brits are not going to bother watching. I can tell you this Merkun will also not be watching. Not out of protest - because I have an appointment to chew razor blades that morning.

Remember a really nice lady called Diana, who was also not of royal blood?

woah - that's a little too far outside for me

A.J. Nipplepunisher

I now wish to be addressed as AJ Nipplepunisher.
It's spelled AJ Nipplepunisher but pronounced "You Sweet Thing".


So I'm on a late conference call, listening intently.
As this was planned, everybody knew not to bother me.
Well, almost everybody.

Five seconds before the first word was spoken, the air conditioner turned on.
The wife announced, loudly, she was going to lay down because her head hurt.
As the conference starts, The Loud Family begins entertaining the neighborhood with its rendition of Power Saw Samba #9, dedicated to my wife's headache.
Then the Russian guy starts talking. His English is flawless (until he tries to speak). I can feel the sound of 50 participants' eyeballs rolling.
But wait... the sound of screeching. Of someone horribly mistreating an animal.
Oh. The dog is outside and wants to come in. It's a shame nobody told me he was outside.
If my coworkers had any idea of the things I do while on conferences, they'd all quit. After sterilizing the phones.
Back to sitting quietly and listening.
The Loud Family, having just finished their rendition of Moby Dick for Explosives and 12 Gauge Shotgun, wasted no time on going into their next song: Blue Danube for Two Lawnmowers. The interplay was spectacular, but we missed out on the stereo separation because we weren't out in the street.

Someone yelled ENCORE and they've been out there tuning their circular saws for 30 minutes.

• CORRECTION: I'm a big man and not afraid to admit my mistake. Last issue featured my wife telling me to heat Marshall's chicken breast before giving it to him. I asked which spices he preferred and should I offer him a nice cabernet with it. I have since been corrected, by my entire family, that one does not drink cabernet with chicken: it would be proper to offer something called Rose-A. Lest you think I ain't got no cultchur.
• UPDATE: the WhatsApp caution that a specially formatted message could destroy your phone was incorrect. The worst it can do is cause you to have to reboot the phone. All reports of the phone exploding and burning down your house were grossly exaggerated.

Good Day: your boss tells you his dad worked for the CIA
Not So Good Day: you say, "Your dad was a spook?" to the black man
Better Day: your boss says yes.

Since I have more traffic from Russia these days, I'll try to translate this for former citizens of the USSR:

Good Day: your boss tells you his dad worked for evil capitalist spy agency, bent on spreading warped ideology to other countries by destabilizing people's government
Not So Good Day: you say, "Your dad was filthy spy?" to the criminally oppressed minority in country where everybody isn't equal
Better Day: your boss says da, silently pointing to the mic in the flowers on his desk

• Part of the ThermionicEmissions Quality Control program is spell-checking my rantings before they go out. This is a little difficult because Google's spellcheck (Blogspot is Google) doesn't have certain unimportant words, like internet, blowjob, tv, McDonalds, or gauge.

I see a lot of press being given to people who insist Artificial Intelligence is going to kill us all. I used to laugh it off, like everyone laughs off most of what I say, but if you think about it, it has already started. I'm talking about that poor lady mowed down in Arizona, while walking her bike across the street. It was a self-driven Uber, with a test driver who happened to be looking down.

Police say the car didn't try to avoid hitting the woman.

See, I told you so.

The official explanation from Uber is that they discovered a bug in their software that separates Stuff floating across the road from Stuff you shouldn't hit. Apparently the car failed to see the woman as something that should not be mowed down. I'll go along with this premise, but this is not a 'bug' - it's programming. They built the sensors to 'see' her but had to program them to figure out if it was ok to mow her down. As it turns out, even I don't mow people down with my car, no matter how much they deserve it. Thus the beginning of Artificial Intelligence killing us all. Our first martyr.

Apparently there's a tradeoff between a car that's jerky because it keeps hitting the brakes and a smooth car, which just might mow down an object it considers harmless. Do you see where this is going? Harmless? Random human?

As a result, a number of states and car companies have stopped testing their software on pedestrians... I mean stopped testing their cars on public streets.

Fast fact: the codename for the car's software is Manson.

Regardless of whether it was horrible programming or the vehicle's decision to reduce the population by one, we come back to the same result: I told you so.

I told you these things were Not Ready for Prime Time. To test them on public streets is to test them on the public. In this case, it's tantamount to murder. There's absolutely nothing wrong with testing them out for years and years. This is a product you don't want running around mowing people down. I guess the lawyers sent opinions and the bean counters counted their liability beans, deciding it was time to set the murdering machines loose upon the public.

I'm not particularly proud of it (I told you so) but I wanted to make the point that maybe I have a point and deserve a little consideration. Usually I told you so is reserved for computer security matters and conspiracy theories that turn out to be quite true. So next time I warn you about something and you ignore it; when it comes true, at least say he told us so.

• There's a critical bug in 7zip, the archiver. Download the latest version. Now.
• There is a bug in PGP, Pretty Good Privacy. A Big Deal was made but it turns out the world will not end. The recommendation was to turn off HTML email (IF you use PGP). Fortunately most, if not all, of my readers won't have to worry about it. Because if they did, they'd lose all of those wonderful backgrounds and emojis (HORROR of HORRORS).

I don't have the heart to summarize this, but this entry has some very important information about credit freezes. It's depressing, demoralizing, and disheartening. And it shows you whose hand is in what, as credit goes.

• I read an opinion in the New York Times, so it must be vetted first, that Trump's choice for CIA head ran a black detention site in Thailand, where people were tortured at the behest of the CIA. Most of the previous words are abhorrent to me.
• Yes, one could argue that she has experience at all levels and toes the company line, but....

Donald Trump's Twitter Account Hacked!

Well, we're not entirely sure, but this morning's tweet was relatively short, full of facts, and contained no Trump-isms. So we think the account was hijacked. When asked what they were doing to protect the president, the Secret Service asked, "What's a tweet?"

• a police car pulls over a vehicle that has just turned into McDonalds...
• UK police would see the car into a spot and confiscate any plastic knives.
• Australian police would allow the car to place an order first, then see it in the parking lot.
• US police would pull the guy out of his car and beat the shit out of him. "Rubber hoses leave no marks"

Weather Modification

As humans, we are only beginning to discover things we can do. For instance, did you know we can control the weather?

We can cause it to rain by washing the car. 

We can also cause a 30 degree drop in temperature by installing window screens.

Who knows what else we'll find as time goes on...

• So we're heading out shortly and I'm checking the weather forecast. WXnation says 57 with an 80% chance of showers. Weather.com says 73 with a 20% chance of rain. Obviously they're both correct because 80% plus 20% equals 100%, right? Right? The forecast on my computer is for showers every day. Normal people would find this suspicious. People around here know you can't go wrong predicting rain and clouds every day.

Word of advice: when your mom asks you to shoot her if she's acting like her mom, don't.





Lowes Blows

My wife needed hardware. Not that kind, smartass.

She has a love/love relationship with Lowes. Or so I think, because she spends a lot of time there. Normally it's the man who visits Valhalla, but I'm weird.

We have this thing she calls a lopper. Women don't always know the names of things, so I helped by referring to it as 'that long red thing for cutting branches you can't reach'.

None of this would be an issue if it weren't for my dad. He's gotten a little 'itchy' since he retired, and insists on coming over to help me. We suspect he's gotten a little tired of Mom, so he insists on coming over to help me. As it turns out, we may be wrong, because he brings her along too. Mom has also gotten a little 'itchy' since Dad retired, and insists on coming over to help the dog. No, really. She does some sort of energy work on him, which seems to help. She can tell where he's hurting. Mom was always tuned into different frequencies... when I was a teen and my friends came over, if one of them did so much as pulled a cigarette out of a pack, Mom would yell, from two floors up, "Is anybody smoking?" She could also tell when someone was pregnant, long before they announced it or looked pregnant. Boy was I shocked when a girlfriend turned out to be preggers (I had no part in it, so to speak).

One of Dad's projects was my tree. The tree sits out there, mocking me and annoying much of the neighborhood. Do I look like I care?  It stays there because in the fall, it drops leaves by the ton on the Crazy Lady's lawn. That's a blessing to me. Anything I can do to 'inadvertently' make her life (more) miserable, I'm doing it. She turns 440 this year and doesn't look a day over 125.

In any case, the tree has been a bit of a problem recently. It started throwing limbs at the ground. I don't mind limb throwing, but only at the Crazy Lady.. it's a waste of a perfectly good projectile. If it didn't grow leaves, I'd think it was dead. One particular branch was getting cozy with a power line, so we called the Tree Guy.  Tree Guy quoted us $600, because anything he does starts at $600 and rises rapidly. The following year it looked like another branch was loose, so we called Tree Guy, who charged us...... wait for it.... $600 to remove it. We're not all that quick, so it took a few years to figure out the guy was taking down the entire tree, but doing it one branch at a time, at $600 per branch. At those rates, you'd think he was a plumber.

Dad decided this was going to be his job. He picked up the lopper and started sawing. He got so busy that it wasn't safe to walk near my house, lest you get pierced by falling bits of tree. He too was taking the tree down by attrition, but he wasn't charging. Two hours later, he asked where the blade was, because it wasn't there, like me. Wife had no idea. Apparently the hardware loosened, jettisoning the blade and itself. Speaking of hardware, my wife is juggling chainsaws, and Dad calls at two hour intervals, wanting to know if she got the hardware yet. Dad's tenacious, if not short.

After telling Dad that she got the hardware, to make him stop calling (it didn't work), she decided it would be a good idea to actually get the hardware, so he wouldn't be without his hobby when he arrived. This is where it gets weird, as if it wasn't weird enough already...

Lowes is Lowes. A huge home-improvement warehouse. Wife asked where she could find the replacement blade: "Over there."  Ok, then... over there she went. Through some managerial mistake, she found the blade. You know what's coming next, right? It didn't have the hardware. So she wandered around, looking for a Helpful Employee. Due to corporate budget cuts, they no longer hire Helpful Employees. Instead, she looked for a Very Busy Helpful-looking Employee.

Did you know it's not against the law to dance naked in any aisle at Lowes? All you do is stand there and look for help. You are now guaranteed that nobody who works there will come down the aisle, and can start the striptease.  After she got done dancing, she found someone, purely by mistake, as he was just about to go on Hiding Duty. He said to go to the hardware aisle and he'd send someone over. This is a phrase they teach employees and sounds extremely helpful and hopeful. In reality, it means "I'm not allowed to say GO AWAY so I'm sending you to an aisle where no one will ever find you".

She waited fifteen minutes at the aisle, when a different employee approached, looking all hardware-like. Three feet down the aisle, he acquired fourteen people, with fifteen questions, preventing him from helping her any time in the next millennium. Wife gave up, nearly decapitating several hangers-on with one throw of the blade.

Off to the register with blade, but without hardware. This cashier came directly from McDonalds. Or maybe a shoe store on a strange planet, here on a student visa, to study how much bad customer service you can throw at customers before they simply leave the store. His name was Taniesha and his short fro featured two very yellow stripes and sparkles simply everywhere. Before Wife could even get out a greeting, Taniesha started regaling her with tales of his day, how nobody would let him get his work done. Does this mean coworkers stopped him from pushing keys on the register or did somebody hide his stockings? He continued the monologue by mentioning he was there at 5am and hadn't even gotten a break and nobody appreciates him.

Now this is where it gets weird:

He says, "Oh, snap." 

Complete with hand gesture.

And that, Your Honor, is when his head just came off and rolled down the aisle.

So now we have a replacement blade, but no one has the heart to tell Dad there's no hardware to secure it. I can hear the phone ringing already.....

I'm not moralizing - make your own decisions

Icky Poo

It's been a busy, crappy time here at Happy House.

My very smart child, with a history of requiring all sorts of different foods to convince him to take his medicine, has taken to getting the food in his mouth, then spitting it out if he feels a pill. Once on the floor, he eats the food and leaves the pill. This is the one time I wish he wasn't so smart. He has a Pile O Pills to take and it's so difficult to get them in, we might only get his pain pills in. We were advised to keep feeding him chicken, but put some rice it with it. It's ok to spice or sweeten it, so long as it gets in. We've established he wants nothing to do with peas.

Things were fine but something else developed, naturally. He's very unhappy. Two vet visits later, there's arthritis (that we knew about) and a urinary tract infection (which we obviously didn't). Vet said he can have oral meds at one price or an injection at a higher price. She didn't get that out of her mouth before INJECTION was chosen. He's just fine with needles - he sits through acupuncture. More pain meds to follow on the third visit. As I type, he's plunging his left paw into his water bowl and moving the water outside of the bowl. We're not sure why he likes to perform Water Moving activities, but there are a number of ideas, none interesting enough to mention.

The wife is a mess because he keeps her up all night, which puts her in a bad spot during the day. I think she secretly prefers this, as she doesn't have to put up with me if she sleeps during the day and I sleep at night. I'd certainly like it.

And me? I'm unhappy and terrified of losing my best friend. 

Oddly enough, he's not suffering from the cancer - currently it's the other stuff.  But he will not be allowed to suffer.

Today he went with his mommy to pick up his new pain meds. The entire office stopped what they were doing: the vet techs came out of the exam rooms, the staff came out from behind the counter, all to see Marshall. The practice owner came out, looked at what was happening and said, "It's the million dollar dog." This happens wherever he goes. And I am assured it has nothing to do with the vacation home we helped finance or the new Range Rover we paid for most of.

• As an update to the Art Bell story, the other night was the first time Midnight in the Desert was live since Art's death. I made an effort to tune in because I wanted to hear Heather Wade, post-tragedy. Wasn't I surprised to discover Heather was not the host that night. Furthermore, she resigned, as it were. There was a new host. Good luck to him... it was a bit shocking for the fans. Heather apparently was pretty shocked by Art's death. I'll miss her, but I think she'll be back at it again, just not on Midnight.

In a shocking statistic, NSA warrantless searches are up over 40%.

Ok, maybe it's not really all that shocking.

That's citizens' phone calls and online messages. Without a warrant. Due to a 'loophole'. There's more data here.

• A malicious message can crash WhatsApp and possibly your Android/iOS phone itself. Don't use WhatsApp. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

The Pentagon has banned the sale of Chinese phones at military exchanges over security risks. Really? These guys really jump on an issue. BUT WAIT, there's more: personnel haven't been banned from using the phones yet, but that may come. So let's review, shall we? It is verboten to sell Chinese phones but not to use them. Once again, I warn readers to exercise caution when shaking their heads: vigorous head-shaking can cause neck injuries.

• REMINDER: if you use Twitter, change your password. Twitter screwed the pooch and made your password visible to at least their employees. So until they screw up something else, change your password. NOW please.

It's a plain shame that the hair on top of my head does not have the tenacity of the hair on my ears.

• Do you ever wonder why all states haven't legalized marijuana yet? Why the War on Drugs isn't a relic of the past? Here's a 'top story', with a feel-bad angle that if Illinois legalizes pot, 275 drug dogs will be out of a job.
• Now, extrapolate this to personnel, expensive equipment and General Infrastructure required for the War on Drugs and you have your answer.

I like Stone Temple Pilots a lot. Their sheer variety is impressive. Not so much their Big Hits, but the lesser known songs, plus their ability to sound different on every song. I'm ordering the new album, with their new singer today, after hearing a song from it on the radio.  

Their original singer, Scott Weiland, took himself out a short time back, probably the victim of self-medicating his bipolar disorder (speculation mine). To look at him was to figure out why their output was so varied. One night he had yellow hair, the next he was dressed as a stormtrooper. He was a very energetic, engaging front man, with a lot more vocal talent than people thought.

Every now and then a solo song from Scott will pop up in my music rotation and I'll reflect on how delightfully odd and interesting his songs are. Definitely worth a listen and a purchase.

STP had an interesting relationship with the Howard Stern show. Scott would get clean, the band would go on the show to perform, then Scott would run out and fall off the wagon with vigor. It may have happened more than once.

Three Cheers!

A New Jersey high school is making headlines with its new rule that everybody makes the cheerleading squad or no one does. Yes, snowflakes, now's the time to  be a cheerleader! Reap the fabulous benefits of being tossed in the air and missed by some kid that could barely lift himself out of bed this morning.

Differently abled? Not to worry - your cheermates will be required to hold your wheelchair up in the air during the human pyramid. Are you a typical depressed teenager who can't muster the energy to smile, no less cheer? You can stand behind the basketball team. Hey - do you smoke a lot of wacky weed and take a lot of pills without a prescription? Well drop that guitar and pick up a tuba, because the band's hiring too! Girls - could you stand to lose a few pounds? Afraid they don't make uniforms in your size? With all-access cheerleading, you're still screwed!

Surprisingly enough, the loudest group against the school's latest brilliant idea is the developmentally delayed. They realized that they'd be on the same level as dumb blonde cheerleaders and football players, and don't want to stoop that low. 

• It's a good thing she got that runny nose from allergies checked out. She was leaking brain fluid. She didn't recognize it because she didn't know she had a brain. To be fair, she saw a lot of doctors without brains too, all of whom failed to diagnose her correctly.

But But But Butt

But is a very powerful word and you must be on the lookout for it at all times.

It doesn't mean what you think it means. To fulfill my self-imposed obligation to educate and entertain (mostly entertain), I have put together a translator, just for you.

I don't mean to bother you, but.....   I truly enjoy bothering you.

I don't want to waste your time, but.....  Look at me wasting your time!

I know that you hate social media, but....  You will now look at cute cat pictures.

Just today, Wife said, "Not that you're interested, but the 76ers...."

If you know I'm not interested, why do you continue to tell me about it?

Not that you're interested, but...  I'm going to keep talking whether you want to hear me or not.

I know you'd rather not read about skin care, but....   Here's a less than clever segue into a story about pimples.

I suppose it happens to everyone at some point in their lives, but I never thought it would happen to me. I have passed the Acne Years by a few (decades) and thought I was safe.  But when you let your guard down is when They get you.

I have a blackhead.

[phew]

Even during the Acne Years I never had a blackhead. Is it because I'm white?

Where does one even get a blackhead?

How TF should I know?

I took a guess, not being an expert on skin care. It was black. I went with blackhead. Wife was proud.

Apparently you're not supposed to pop them, like whiteheads. Funny aside: Reddit has a subreddit called popping, which has pictures and video of people popping pimples and doctors doing procedures to open/remove the skin disturbances. It's enough to make you eat your pet rock.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, no popping.

So I tried popping for a few weeks. No luck.

After all that trauma, I consulted an expert: a woman. Women just know stuff and this is one of those things - anything to do with skin care or deep gashes that require stitches or how to apply makeup to you so you'll look adorable. Naturally the wife.  Wife handed me a bottle and said, "Put this stuff on it a few times a day. It dries things out."

I may not be a smart man or a good looking man or... wait.. where was I?

but I know who I want to sleep with me, so I used the stuff in the expensive-looking bottle. I have no idea what it cost, but I know it was expensive. Anything you apply to your skin is expensive, especially Eeyore band-aids (yes).  

Of course I needed a course in application. The stuff in the bottle had separated so I went to shake it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Wife flying through the air, like some deranged German ninja. She grabbed the bottle and told me "NO - YOU DON'T SHAKE IT!"

I should have known. Ok, I'll play: Why not?

Because you don't.

Ah.

You stick the Qtip in, pushing it into the sediment at the bottom. Then put it on your nose. So for the last few days, I've been walking around with a small patch of skin on my nose, six shades whiter than my skin. Even though it's hard to imagine anything lighter than my skin, this stuff takes the cake. One time it dripped, making me look even more like a cracked-out coke user on acid.

After a few days, I mentioned to Wife that it wasn't working all that well. I based this upon my scientific observation that the little bastard was still there. I felt safe with this bit of science (which I should not have).

"Well did you wash your face first?"

No, why?

"You're supposed to wash your face first!"

You didn't mention that. You showed me the stuff in the expensive-looking bottle and explained its application. And NOT TO SHAKE IT.

"You have to use the pads. It's not going to work on a dirty nose."

What pads? (knowing this wasn't going to be pretty)

"The little white ones."

What little white ones?

[hands me a package of wipey cloths with expensive-smelling stuff on them] "Here. You wash with these, don't forget to DRY, then apply the stuff in the expensive-looking bottle."

Oh. I shoulda known that. Sorry.

[it's always best to end with an apology, in addition to starting with an apology, regardless of whether it was your fault or not. trust me.]

So here I am, two days into washing, looking stupid, and continuing to have a blackhead.

What I don't know is that this treatment will not rid me of blackheads. 

My wife bet my mother that she could get me to walk around with a splotch on my face for two weeks.

• I remembered to take out the trash this week. It was momentous. I don't know about you, but I think I deserve a pizza and some ice cream. And a bj.

You know that one of the things I hate most in life is mowing the lawn.

As we have not yet made arrangements with the budding teenage capitalist who did the job last year, it fell to me. You'd think after all these years, my wife would KNOW this isn't a good idea. Even more dumb is the guy who went ahead and did it.

Things have come a long way. The electric mower we had would actually stall. It stalled even faster when the wife ran over the cord. The gas mowers did battle with me, like my old cars used to: it was anyone's guess whether they'd start or not, much like John McCain. My enterprising spouse did a lot of research and came up with a Worx* battery powered mower. It's much smaller than a real mower and is made out of orange and black plastic, like some large child's toy mower. You charge up the 24v battery, literally drop it in, and mow. Because it's small, it weighs very little. Because it's mine, it needs to cut grass taller than its handle. When you're done, take the battery out and let the kids play with it. Or, if you're really after variety, leave the battery in.

I'm very lucky the wife didn't do this much research on husbands before she selected.

In related news, I went from Full Couch to Full Mow in a minute.

I'm typing this on the emergency room's free internet.

*I don't get paid for this, but if they offer, I'll accept.

Oh shut up -  I mowed this week

Xubuntu - Ubuntu 18.04

The other night I got the option to update my Xubuntu installation to the new 18.04, codenamed Bionic Beaver.

How in the universe could Ubuntu leave me an opening as wide as Bionic Beaver? It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Like hitting the broad side of the barn with a small thermonuclear device. Like spotting SJWs at a Black Lives Matter rally.

If you're already running Ubuntu, or a flavor of it (Xubuntu, Lubuntu, Kubuntu, Miley Cyrus linux), your system should let you know when the upgrade is available, unless you turned that off. Don't turn that off.

If you want to install a fresh copy, you head on over to the respective websites and download or torrent a copy. It's DVD size, so it may take some time if you're torrenting. Don't ever let anyone tell you that torrenting is for obtaining stolen copies of intellectual property. This is a perfect example of why it's not.

In any case, depending on hard drive space, weather, and desire, it should take about 20 minutes. I say it should because it generally does. It could have taken longer, but I have the attention span of a pregnant gnat and looked at the clock for the starting time and never looked at finish time. The upgrade process is improved over previous installs because it didn't ask me questions. I've been using linux for a loooong time but some of those questions... well... there might not be obvious answers, but there are suggestions.

In fact, it was going so smoothly, I was distracted by some thought or blinkey light and almost missed the end. It came like a train into a car some idiot parked on the tracks. Why do they do stuff like this? I didn't get a "that's all, folks" - instead I got "Installation halted", then some random text, indicating that there was something dangerously wrong with my keychain. Now I'm the kind of guy who always knows where his keychain (and towel) is; in this case, my pocket. I fished it out, wondering how an operating system knew anything at all about my keychain, but I decided to play along. Upon careful examination, the keychain was in precisely the position it was in earlier in the day and back to last month.

Reading closely, I figured out it was talking about the operating system's keychain (yes, Veruca, the OS has a keychain) and that the install had stopped. This was rather a shame, as upgrades go flawlessly. It was an even bigger shame, as I had no idea if Bald Beaver was installed or not. BAH.

[spoiler] It was.

The Review

If you came here for the review or careful listing of changes and improvements and whether I like them or not, you obviously haven't been reading this blog too long.

So I rebooted and it worked.

The first thing I noticed was the Stupid Wallpaper on my second screen. This is a normal part of upgrading and if you specify the second screen's wallpaper, you won't have to deal with this ever again.  Yes, I'm a substance over style guy and the first major improvement listed on the blogs was new wallpaper. Wow. I'll bet it's much faster and more efficient, but they're saving that as a surprise for after we install it.

So you'll understand that I wasn't exactly jumping for joy when I noticed that the buttons were a little different on VLC. I didn't touch a setting, so I could see if anything else popped up.

[spoiler]  It didn't.

The system starts up quickly, perhaps a little faster than before. The system runs fine. There are no problems. I checked both keychains: the one in my pocket was fine, but there was very little I could do about the one in the computer. I could not exchange them, as I'd have no way to get in the house or drive the car.

During the warmup to install, it threatened to take my Kodi.
It will take my Kodi from my cold, dead hands, right next to my chocolate.
Just in case, I made a backup of Kodi. After the install. everything was still there, so it was an empty threat (except the new addons are showing up in my home directory).

Everything runs exactly as it did before: smoothly.
It hasn't burped or squealed one time in the few days I've been using it.


I give it three thumbs up.




STANDARD DISCLAIMER
I heavily modified the desktop, so it always looks the same after upgrades; thus I never see 'graphic improvements' everyone talks about. The screen remains the same.

How Do You Stop... the Grass from Growing?

Video Me Video You Blues

Research (that I didn't make up) shows additional productivity when a second monitor is added. So I use at least two. For a little while, the monitor cable has been going. You have to wiggle it to get all the colors.  Not being able to suffer it any longer, I got another one from The Pile. Don't ask about The Pile or my wife will tell you.

There are few things I truly despise in life. One is the 'ribbon' in more recent versions of Microsoft Office. It's foul, evil, and serves no useful purpose. It just sits there, taking up valuable screen real estate. After I hide it, I get a little less agitated. The other things I hate is DB9 connectors, otherwise known as VGA or   monitor cables. The end of these things was designed by a very clever sadist. The two screwy things that secure the cable to the computer are guaranteed to catch on anything in the vicinity, like power cables, audio cables, network cables, dog leashes, and internal or external organs. Today I was unpleasantly surprised by the connector getting stuck on my hair. WHY?

After having extricated 26 things from the cable end, I got the little bastard situated, but the last laugh was on the cable: the screen was missing red.

The other thing I would like to eradicate from the universe, and I probably haven't mentioned it before, is Microsoft Windows. I haven't said anything bad about Windows in a few hours... I must be slipping. My Windows virtual machine is set to NOT install any updates. As I was closing it yesterday, it had four updates to install. Even in public schools, but maybe not colleges, four is greater than zero. So Windows overrode the user's settings and installed updates anyway. Why do I hate Windows? This is just one of the many reasons.  There are many instances when you don't want to install updates. Microsoft has deliberately overriden the users preferences. I will not use an operating system that makes its own decisions and knows better than me. Windows: it's not an operating system - it's a virus.




It's not like I don't listen to new 'music' because I don't like it. I don't listen to new music because it sucks. Sometimes it shows up on tv in commercials, a particularly egregious example being "yeah, we're all about a good time, yeah, we're all about a good day" over clapping, in an annoying monotone, by what sounds like a black female. It offended my ears. Along with the aforementioned "You got me like ah, and ooh, with all the things you do."

• Faceyspaces will allow users to delete their history on the service. This is good and a nod toward privacy after they got caught doing what they do normally. Of course there's a hitch: everything you're deleting has been used to profile and sell your data already.

Firefox wants you to know that they're not ads - they're sponsored content. With Firefox 60, you'll see ads. Mozilla says there's no personal information sent, just HTTPS pings when you do something on the about:home and about:newtab pages. Every 30 days, the data will be aggregated and permanently deleted. Mozilla claims they don't share data with any third party. You will be able to opt out.

If the opt out uses cookies, you're screwed because you delete your cookies at the end of the session or on a timed basis or when you close the browser, right? As we tin foil people say, trust nothing and no one.  I'll try opting out. If that fails, there will be another way to stop this behavior, perhaps via about:config. The whole nonsense is run by Pocket, which Mozilla bought. Perhaps disabling Pocket will fix things. You'll hear about it right after I do. The other option is to use a different browser, but I really like Firefox, plus the Chrome-based browsers phone home to Google.

• Volkswagen and Audi car infotainment systems have been hacked remotely by Dutch security researchers, in two 2015 models, the Volkswagen Golf GTE and an Audi A3 Sportback e-tron, both made by Volkswagen Audi Group (VAG).  The hack does not impact any critical systems, although what you say could be remotely monitored. The critical systems are a firewall away from the infotainment system, so it's only a matter of time.
• In good news, the researchers were invited to VW HQ to go over the hack, which will result in stronger systems. The bad news is that every car will have to go back to the dealer for updated firmware.

The wife took the dog to visit some people in faraway lands. I really miss at least one of them. As I still haven't received the all clear for a Vice Wife (who steps in when Wife cannot perform the duties of her office), I have gone to a different system. Now I ask for a babysitter to watch me, in case I get up to things while bored. I get into a lot of trouble normally - it's worse when left alone. Since I wanted to build trust in the process, I suggested our favorite pizza place's headmistress, a particularly fetching lady. Wife knows her and approves, except for the babysitting part.  I need to work harder on a solution.

• "I found bladder leak underwear that's actually pretty" said the commercial.
• What the commercial didn't say was that if I put them on without a bladder leak problem, will I still feel pretty? Sometimes a man likes to feel pretty.

Well, it's almost that time of year again: grass season.

You know what that means... I have to find places to hide every time Wife says anything to do with 'mow'. I decided to work smarter this year, as I haven't perfected that invisibility thing yet. And even if I did, I'd still knock things over and make rude noises, giving myself away.

Last year was the happiest year of my life, grasswise. We hired the kid from across the street. He missed spots and needed a lot of direction, but he got me out of mowing. Wife says she doesn't know if she wants to hire him again this year.

WHAT?

This kid is the greatest thing to happen to me.... err... grass since it was invented. Schools teach that grass was discovered, not invented. This came as a hell of a surprise to Bill Crabgrass, noted inventor of trash bags, falling leaves and yes, grass. 

I asked, meekly, she had in mind. David Crosby just put out two albums, Tom Petty stubbornly remains dead, and Cindy Lauper, shockingly, is on tour with Rod Stewart (show starts at 8, recommend you get there at 9). She hasn't gotten back to me yet, so that's been keeping me up at night.

I suggested she give the young man another chance... after all, she'd want one. In the spirit of fairness and neighborliness, it appears that I'm safe for another season.

Oops. Except for that Satan Weed. It wasn't invented, it was discovered, right after clouds and tornadoes. It's a clump of dark green grass that pops up out of nowhere, growing to a foot and a half overnight, even though Mr. Crabgrass' invention has not yet started to grow. Since we have yet to sign a deal with the neighbor, the job looks likely to fall to me. I'm going to need a lot of excuses as to why I cannot possibly complete this allegedly necessary task (feel free to contribute):

• back hurts
• can't remember how to install the battery (it drops in)
• forgot to charge the battery
• need to change the tires from winter air to spring air
• mower no good on Satan Weed
• someone got their penis stuck in the vacuum. Again. (well, the thing attacks)

I wonder if, for a signing bonus, I can get him to take out the trash.

• It's handy to know a few words in every language, preferably dirty phrases and curses. Yesterday I expanded my vocabulary:
• Vez al pista - have you seen the runway? - in Brazil/Portuguese. If this won't get me chicks, I don't know what will.
• So I get with my Subject Matter Expert (SME) in Portuguese, who can't even translate it. She suggests this is not the way to go about meeting women. Fair enough, how about a few curses or body parts? My SME is not impressed and refuses to give me any interesting words or phrases, except the more hopeful "Kiss me, I'm stupid."
• I may have to get a new SME.

Cambridge Analytica, the company that got caught up in the Faceyspaces fracas for siphoning off personal information, is going out of business.  In completely unrelated news, the founders have registered a new data analytics company called Emerdata.

ThermionicEmissions' cynical bent tells us that Emerdata will operate extremely similarly to Cambridge Analytica.

• OOPS - Australia's Commonwealth Bank lost records for 12 million people (almost half the population) when two magnetic tapes were misplaced by a subcontractor. Per Australia's Privacy Commissioner, "a decision was made not to alert customers." Now there's some serious privacy for you.
• One of the possible scenarios was that the tapes fell off the back of a truck when they were being transported to be destroyed. 
• Cut it out. In what universe does a truck carrying tapes keep the back door open so things can fall out? You will notice that no armored trucks carrying cash keep their back doors open so money can fall out.

Because we haven't done enough damage to the language, we have a new word: micro-volunteering. Since we're not sure what it's about, let's do what we always do... take the ball and run with it. No matter if we're running the wrong way - I did it all the way through my childhood.

I'll micro-volunteering to help the neighbor take out the trash. She'll take it out, but I'll think about it for her, donating my time.

Perhaps I can micro-volunteer to help at-risk youth. I'll give them the url of this blog and they'll never be the same. Perhaps help is too strong a word....

In a little while, I'm micro-volunteering to walk the dog.
"Honey - the dog needs to go out."

• This seems to be a weird week. Moreso. Dad calls Wife: We were so worried. You called the other day at 6am. We called you right back and no one answered. We tried for days.
• News to us.
• Wife checks the phone log. Yes, there were two outgoing calls at 6am to parents. The only problem is that no one made them. Yes, there's one call from Dad, but no others from 'all week'. 
• The phone made two calls by itself.
• This is Regular Weird. Delightfully Weird was last time, when my phone called Dad, Dad's phone called Brother, and Brother's phone called me. There were NO calls in any of the phone logs.
• Just in case you think I'm done... my parents rush to answer the phone in the bedroom. It rings a lot. The only problem is they don't have a phone in the bedroom.

The Hacking Demons are at it again.
There's a Windows 10 issue, as if there wouldn't be. Bear with me, as I don't use Windows 10. The problem seems to start if the user uses a browser based upon Chrome. It displays a time-out issue and the entire screen turns black. The long and short of it is that you're screwed at this point because no one has figured a workaround. The article I read did not specify anything but my guess is that you shouldn't be using Chrome or any other browser based upon it. On the linux side, Opera, Chromium, Iron, and Vivaldi are based upon Chrome, and I believe all are available on Windows. If you're not already using it, try Firefox. Technically this isn't a hacker issue, but let's put it there.

If you're an Under Armour user, meaning if you use MyFitnessPal, you're one of 150 million affected in the data breach. 


Got an iPhone? The latest update has a bit of a bug. Since iDevices don't have bugs, this is an Undocumented Feature. Apple has decided that it is more important to listen to a caller than speak. The feature mutes the microphone during phone calls.  You can decided if this feature works for you, but remember, Apple leads, and the rest of the world follows (per an actual Apple employee who came to work to preach to us).

My computer hurts.

Actually my morale hurts.

If it were my computer, the problem would already be solved. This is the work computer, which is locked down so well I can't even put naked ladies on the background. I hate to say it, but this is a really great thing. It keeps people from destroying their PCs and doing all kinds of damage to the network. And from naked ladies, but one must take the negative with the positive.

I did everything that had to do with computers and networks at one point. I remember what it was like to be a desktop computer fixer or a helpdesk. We did our jobs well and efficiently, so we could get to the next issue. However, this was not the perception of the users. Because we were not standing at their desks the moment there was an issue, before they even had to notify us, we were fat, lazy, incompetent, and spent all day playing solitaire or looking at naked ladies (recurring theme, I know).

One day at the cube farm, I was under someone's desk, fixing something (no, the view was nowhere near as spectacular as one would think). Someone suggested to someone else that they call IT for their problem. She immediately blurts out how Stupid IT never does anything right and never bothers to show up. It suddenly gets very quiet in this area. I leap out from under the desk, pop up at the complainer's desk, and ask what Stupid IT can do for her today. There was laughter and a really red face.

The moment I got out of helpdesk, I made it a rule to never be like that: a surly, entitled user, who expects repair yesterday, plus your lunch. This has not served me well at my latest employer. Let's call the atmosphere City Worker, where you're lucky to have a phone to call Helpdesk, and if they answer, it's a minor miracle. If they make out a ticket, the sun will shine for a week straight. If they actually route the ticket and address the problem, the lottery ticket you just found will be worth $4.5 million.

Two weeks ago I lost three days waiting for Helpdesk to fix an issue. Three days of work. I tracked my Helpdesk ticket, which spent some time in Purgatory, then migrated to the San Francisco office. No one knows why, so I called the San Francisco office to speak to the new owner of my ticket. He wasn't in, but I got his handy voicemail, on which I left a polite request to call me. I figured I'd hear from him, as I said the ticket didn't even belong to him. Nope.

Finally I gave up and called a Helpdesk person directly, who fixed the issue in fifteen minutes. My ticket was still in San Francisco and had not been touched. If I waited for someone to grab the ticket, I'd be at three weeks as of now. Who knows - three weeks might improve their overall stats. Perhaps they grade personnel not on closed tickets, but on how long they keep the client waiting.

Not to be outdone, I logged on this morning to find I couldn't get my email. On planets where gravity is universal and works the same everywhere, if you can log onto the network, you can read your email. As we apparently have some sort of gravitic anomaly, I can't. Meanwhile my coworkers are having trouble getting into random apps. I called Helpdesk. Apparently wait times are so bad that it offered to call me back when it was my turn. Yay! So I kept my phone close. After a few hours, I even took it to the bathroom and kitchen with me. If I were a betting man, I'd bet that I could read a book called How to Pick Up Chicks, get some experience doing it, pick up a coworker, go to the parking lot and have sex in her car, then go back to my desk, the phone never having rung. City Workers are jealous. The federal government wants to know how we do it. We're a model of modern corporate inefficiency.

DAY TWO

It is Day Two, as indicated on the previous line.
The system that was supposed to call me back didn't.
[sigh]
So I called back and got a tech immediately.
[it's mind blowing and byzantine]

For the next 90 minutes, we did everything possible to fix the issue. The first thing we noticed was that a reboot fixed one of the problems. This is positively insane, as I booted up a few minutes prior to the call. WINDOWS.

No fix applied got me email. We gave up and I got an override, allowing me access to email. Some 'experts' will review the problem and fix it. Strangely and coincidentally, I noticed an update running by itself. The same kind of update that caused the problem weeks ago.  No one will review this or implement any larger fix.


DAY THREE
You didn't think I was getting off that easy, did you?
Could not get into the system at all. Again.
Called two support people, one of whom put in another override, which worked. I was then free to get screwed by a new piece of software the boss bought.

Helmsman, I'll expect that mood lifted by 1300 hours, understood?
Can not, Sir. Morale's taken two torpedoes in the aft flingenbottom, Sir.

Usually horrible morale is caused by a grossly incompetent boss. In this case, it's simply getting to where you need to go to do your work. And if I spend the rest of the week without email or not doing my job, no one will care. The Department of Motor Vehicles has sent over their two top operations guys to figure out how we get nothing done with such grace and style.

an honest politician?