My Antidepressant Just Shot Itself

In an event no one saw coming, FamilyTreeDNA confirmed that it has granted the FBI access to its vast trove of nearly 2 million genetic profiles.

Oh lefty, you're so paranoid. You believe every conspiracy theory.
Meanwhile the FBI is putting together a DNA database of everyone, pulling from arrests, before determination of guilt or innocence. That's unconstitutional.

• Are there still Four Tops?

Hey, kids, it's Nostalgia Time!
Today we're asking Whatever Happened To....

Whatever happened to Flight MH370? Is it making an heroic effort to remain lost?
Whatever happened in Las Vegas at the hotel shooting? We know the crime and shooter by the end of the night in every shooting. Not Las Vegas.
Whatever happened to the sans serif font I always use for the blog?

Dear lefty:

• Why do they make that noise whenever someone says Microsoft in a commercial?
• Microsoft wants you to think you're getting something valuable, as opposed to their operating system.

How about some inspirational news?
A nurse saw a trooper by the side of the road and stopped. He was shot in the face. She helped stop the bleeding and sat with him until EMS arrived.

• If I hear one more mentally-challenged person say whaaaaaaaat? in a commercial, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Multiple Personality Files
You know things are getting interesting when your spouse is driving along merrily and you come to a tunnel. All of the sudden you hear, "ohhhhh..... ohhhhhh.... no.... tunnels!!!!" and you're sitting in the passenger seat. It is at this point you separate the men from the boys. The boys will hide under the seat and await death. The men will hide under the seat, await death, and have everyone singing a Led Zeppelin song, pulling the driver's mind off the tunnel. The story had a happy ending: everyone lived.

Truly must-see TV

• In case you haven't seen it yet, you can watch The IT Crowd on Netflix. I highly recommend it. The official YouTube Channel. 5 reasons to watch it now and TV.com.
• While you're at it, check out Black Books. Watch it on Sidereel Hulu and Amazon Prime. Here's the episode guide. It's dryer than Python or IT Crowd and very funny.

Dear lefty:

• Why is breathing controlled by the autonomous nerve system?
• Because if you had to remember to breathe, you'd be dead.

Continuing with topics of minor interest and import, let's tackle The Wall<tm>.

I'm thinking out loud... never spent much time on it before.

FACTS:

1. It's going to be expensive. Ridiculously expensive. And it's not coming from DC's pockets.
2. All the money isn't there. Does this mean all The Wall<tm> isn't there?
3. They are illegal aliens - not undocumented immigrants. That is language manipulation to achieve an end.

QUESTIONS:

1. How effective is a wall, vs almost nothing?
2. Would the expenditure be worth it?
3. Who benefits?
4. Is there a different way of going about it?
5. Can we use some of our advanced tech to deter/catch illegal aliens? Heat-seeking lasers?
6. What would happen if we made the US unattractive for illegals? No insurance, no income, no benefits. It's attractive now for those reasons, as well as businesses hiring illegals for less than minimum wage. While we're at it, seriously punish the businesses.
7. I understand that if The Wall<tm> is to be built, people will lose their houses and land under Eminent Domain. This is where you have no choice but to move, while you are allegedly paid going rate for your home/land. Sorry, this one isn't passing the lefty test. I know someone who lost their house because a HIGHWAY was being extended. There is no excuse for this.

Remember: they are your representatives, not your leaders.

Don't Let Them Tell You It's Not Personal

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you...


Penny the English cocker went to the vet for the first time, and was discovered to have a bump on her butt. According to the biopsy, she has cancer.

Of course she has cancer.
Marshall, our boy of 13 years, died of cancer.
Penny, our girl of 5 months, has cancer.

In case you ever wondered about PTSD, looking at Penny and seeing Marshall and going into a panic would define it.

The English cocker people didn't wait for an explanation and told me exactly what and where the cancer was. Hopefully a removal will stop it.

This poor girl, a stray, doesn't deserve this.
She'd been waiting for a home for a while and has settled in wonderfully, setting things up to run the entire house soon.


C'mon - what are the odds?

We're not through paying off Marshall's healthcare loans yet.

Do it Now, While the Sun Shines on the Snow

A man was convicted of breaking into a home and sucking on a sleeping woman's toes.
Ladies, tell us which you'd rather have: a guy giving your doorbell a serious tonguing, or a guy breaking in and giving you a toe job?

When sentenced, the man said, "This wouldn't be a problem if they'd stop calling the police on me."

• Recent So What news: the owner of the Patriots, some rich dude, was charged with soliciting a prostitute in Florida.
• Nice one, Stupid. With that much taxpayer money, you should be smart enough to call the right service or ask your other rich friends.
• Stop it with the prosecution/persecution. Does the government have the right to tell you what you can and can't do with your body?  Hint: the answer is No.

There are some pretty good deals to be had on solar systems for your house. I don't know all the details, but you get a nice tax break. It's apparently so nice that companies are putting them up free.

Except in Pennsylvania. All state and federal tax breaks for Pennsylvania have been stopped because there's not enough sun to make anything work. If you buy solar lighting, you'd be better off rolling a joint with a 50 dollar bill.

But it's not always so bad. Today's there's plenty of sun.

And enough wind to blow a tow truck off the road.

Dear lefty:

• How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?
• None. We get all the light we need from our screens.

R. Kelly (real name Rachel Kaplan), has reached a plea deal with the L.A. prosecutor. Before he rapes women, he will get proof they're 18 or over. If they're not, he'll go ahead.

• A Florida man (of course) shot himself in the arm and didn't realize it for three days, when he went to change his shirt.
• Where do I start?

Don't you love it when the poor people stuck in the jungle, waiting for rescue, see the helicopter, wave and scream? Because of course the helo will hear them, 1,000 feet up, over the engine noise.

• Why are there no cat assistants for the blind?
• People would be 'walking off buildings' in droves, like Faceyspaces users to the login prompt.

• Think I'm kidding about your phone (and other data) being tracked to a ridiculous degree? Take it from the LA Times.

Dear lefty:

• I'm a boy. Why do people always call me a girl?
• Because your parents decided to raise you 'genderless'. Kill them.

Heard on the radio:
The mayor and city council have put through legislation against businesses becoming 'no cash' (credit or electronic only). This is Sanctuary City Mayor and City 'just drop the cash here' Council.  Personally, I'm in favor of cash, but am not in favor of more stupid, burdensome regulation on businesses. Let the businesses do what they want and let the market decide what survives. Trust me - if a business stops accepting cash and sales go through the floor, they're going to accept cash again.

Since this is yet another case of Breakthrough Legislation, they needed a new buzzword. This time it's 'unbanked': the people who don't have or use bank accounts. So the lack of cash acceptance is unfair to the unbanked. Are you laughing yet?

The unbanked were classified as the poor, so the legislators could say they were doing something for the poor. Not to be outdone, a homeless advocate was interviewed, saying that although this might be somewhat helpful, it did nothing to correct income equality. This is the reason I don't listen to the radio.

I think we need some quick legislating to rectify these and other issues:

1. a law mandating people operating cash registers earn the same as CEOs. It's only fair.
2. a law allowing me to buy a limousine for the same price as a Hyundai, because it's not fair that I can't afford a limousine.
3. raising this or that tax because we haven't had a tax increase since Big Brother got one on 'sugary beverages', not to mention a 'temporary' sales tax increase and a per-drink tax.
4. guaranteed houses in rich areas, for diversity's sake. What white, liberal, rich person wouldn't welcome white (or black) trash into their neighborhood for the sake of diversity? They sure want them everywhere else.
5. And of course, preferential hiring and treatment for the left handed. If one is a left handed white trash, sugary beverage-drinking, Hyundai-driving, cash register operating person, they won't have to work for the rest of their life!

I suspect the mayor proposed this so the 'unbanked' illegal aliens can use cash.

• A failed 1970s Venus probe could crash to Earth this year.
• In other news, the Mars Rovers will be torn to pieces on the New Jersey Turnpike.
• Three Philly Duck Boats were rescued off the coast of Mexico. Only the boats, not the passengers, because none of them were illegal aliens.
• California's 405 Freeway woke up and found itself on Uranus. It felt right at home.

You're Not as Good at That as You Think You Are

A woman called 911 because someone 'stole her heart.'
I'm not 100% positive, but there might've been drugs involved.

• Today's Florida News: Zookeeper injured by rhino.
• Wanda Smith (84) missed a turn, headed for dinner at 3pm, and wound up in the rhino exhibit.

Dear lefty:

• Why do you watch those aircraft crash shows?
• So I can identify my body after a crash.

Wife gave her sister's dog a toy. Every time Wife visits, the dog brings the toy over to her.

Either the dog shows uncommon intelligence or he really wants her to return it.

• To my British cousins: you have til April 1 to get your Porn Licence, if you want to surf pr0n on the web. If this doesn't cause a riot, you people are doomed.

Family get togethers were sometimes fun while growing up. Mostly to be avoided.

Now that we're older, it's a different kind of hideous: it has become political. 

I couldn't help noticing the democratic wing was at the left side of the table and the old fart republicans were on the right. I noticed that there were great similarities among the democrats. As the lone libertarian, I sat a little off center. Strangely enough, I found I had more in common with the republican wing than the democrats. To rephrase, I found I didn't hate the republican ideas as much as I hated the democratic ideas. These same democratic ideals made it to a later get together, when little children were wearing Ruth Ginsburg t-shirts. C'mon, leave the kids out of it, please. They'll make their own mistakes as they get older. Like religion, your endless harping will drive them in the opposite direction.  You know, because I have extensive child-rearing experience.

Stolen from Twitter:

• I was standing in the line at McDonald's yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said 'you are the best sister ever' and walked away and the girl in McDonald's looked at me in disgust and I've never wanted to die so much in my life

I stumbled into some interesting music videos online. A lot of them were from Eric Clapton's guitar concerts. I just saw Springsteen bring John Fogerty to the stage. This is actually the first time I've seen Springsteen; forgive me - I only watched it for Fogerty. The man's a classic. Sheryl Crow was out and about, which is great for me. Albert Lee, Vince Gill, Keb Mo, and others were twanging away. Vince Gill is humongous. His guitars looked more like belts that guitars. Highly recommended. vaughnlive.tv has a ton of channels.




Dear lefty:

• What's the only thing worse than a Springsteen concert?
• Two Springsteen concerts
• I can't even get a rise out of the people who get here from Google searches on Springsteen.

Allow me to summarize the R. Kelly fracas:

R. Kelly grew up in a family so poor, his mother couldn't afford a first name. This haunted him all his life, so he screwed underage girls. It's clear cause and effect, Your Honor.

• Definition of creepy: you call your phone provider to make a payment
• It says, "Hello, [first name]."

Because of the abject failure of Vanilla Coke, Coke has introduced Orange Vanilla Coke. Coke obviously gets the good drugs.

• Don't forget to keep up with your Stupid Buzzwords: This week it's Rom Com (romantic comedy).

Happy as a clam?

How does one measure happiness in a bivalve?

Is there a Clam Happiness Scale?

• Know what's great about this time of year?
• Very little, except for Reese's products with white fudge instead of chocolate. They have my endorsement.

Dog, The Peroxide Hunter:
Yes, I've mentioned this before. A lot.
It flummoxes me every time, just tuning past it.
It's still on the air, meaning people are still watching it.
How is this so?

• I've also mentioned the phenomena when I'm running the fan, I can hear the tv in the next room. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the tv isn't on. It could save all sorts of cable fees if I could change the channel that isn't on, but that's not likely.
• Today I heard the tv again, but this time the fan wasn't running. Excited to see how the inadvertent experiment was coming along, I discovered I was outsmarted: the tv was on anyway.
• This does not help my mood.

Close That Window When the Boss Walks By

Most people hate Mondays.

Some people hate their jobs.
I'm an exception (as usual).
Last night I logged into work to check something and also answered an email from The Boss.
Within a few minutes, The Boss thanked me for answering so quickly, but drove home that there is absolutely no requirement to answer mail outside of my hours.
This is why I love my job (and The Boss).

• The maximum penalty for importing bear bile into Australia is $100,000.
• this will be on the quiz

Dear lefty:

• Do you have a middle name?
• Yes

RUN - don't walk
To see the epic, the show stopping, the viral...
The Empire Strips Back - A Star Wars Burlesque Parody

Somewhere, in a dark place, a sociologist has blown his head off.

• It's not that I've spent a lot of time watching Monty Python, but I remembered a line that started, "Yeah, alright." I'm sure this qualifies as some sort of emotional disturbance.

Speaking of remakes, 20th Century Squirrel presents Catharine the Great, featuring members of her family you might not know about: her mother, Magnolia the Somewhat Less than Great, her father, Herbert Who Put the Fun in Funeral, and her brother, Ivan the Terrible.

• The dog's breath has been suspiciously minty fresh for a few days. Apparently she has a stash of Life Savers somewhere in the house.

Ah, the good old days, when you had to really try to shut down your airport. You pretty much couldn't do it pre-TSA. Now all you need is a drone, or in the case of South Carolina, a naked lady running around the terminal. I'm not entirely sure what kind of risk a naked lady represents, but I guess it can't hurt to be at the airport when she makes her move.

• Baked beans on toast? Toast with only one side toasted?
• Remind me not to be British.

Hey - do you use VFEmail email?
You probably don't anymore.
In an unprecedented event, a hacker got into the system and deleted everything, reformatting the servers. Not satisfied, they also got the backups. The owner seems unlikely to start back up from scratch. As of now, some can log in and use the service, but all historical data is gone. What kind of person......

• When you take the test for your pilot's license, do you have to parallel park?

Dear lefty:

• Should I collect trolls?
• Perhaps collecting anthrax would be better for you.

When you're in a restaurant or getting on a plane, ask for the No Screaming Baby section.
I made the mistake of forgetting this the other night. Our favorite restaurant for our anniversary. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.  WAAAAHH.  SCREEEEECH!

I know now that you cannot assault the child. It's much more fun to go after the parent.
I asked the waiter if he'd throw drinks on them for a $20. He said he'd do it for $5.
Constant shrieking. Parents completely oblivious. Somebody took matters in their own hands and tried to out-yell the baby, momentarily interrupting the Screech Tirade. It worked (for approximately 20 seconds). Finally one of the parents was properly motivated (embarrassed) and took the child outside, looking none too happy. I heard applause, but it was muted applause. You know, cuz we're civilized or some such shit.

He makes a point..

Who Let lefty Out Again?

Go piss up a rope - I do get out sometimes.

After bringing death to a bunch of computers, laptops, and android devices, I had to buy Stuff to fix the lot of them. The quickest stop was Best Buy (uh-oh) - this was my first mistake. I researched everything I wanted online first, so I knew what I was getting. This was my second mistake.

Walk into most stores and it goes one of two ways: Can I help you with anything or IF I WAVE MONEY, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME? I prefer the latter, which is what I got. This was my third mistake. I did enjoy floundering about, like Michael Moore in a candy store that doesn't really have lots of different kinds of candy in it, but it's still entrancing.  The Humongo Size TV setup, that comes with a couch and coordinated lamps, was playing Bohemian Rhapsody. The actor playing Freddie had huge, ugly pores.

But seriously, folks, I needed an SD card. And if I could remember which one I needed, I'd be in good shape. There were SDs, SDUHCs, SDFUs, and Spiderman Special SD-Xs. Plus they have grades or some other rating system, which covers how fast they fall when dropped into Niagara Falls. I went for the fastest faller because I'm that kinda guy.

The it was Mouse Time.
I would have done better going to The Mouse House in Florida, Home of Mickey, built by a rabid antisemitic called Roger Waters Walt.
We know I've been around a bit. When mice first hit the stores, they were ridiculously expensive and large. I liked them. Unfortunately you could not find a large mouse if your life depended on it. They're all varying degrees of tiny, like a convention of Small People. Then there are the portable ones, which are even smaller. Children benefit from this, but not adults (or large children with big hands, like me). I found one off-brand wired mouse. Little did I know I was only getting warmed up.

With fear and trepidation, I made it to the final department. I was brave, though; I didn't take the blindfold or the cigarette. I wanted a generic 24" monitor. This was the mistake that would be my previous mistake plus one (I think we're up to four now).  There were certainly a lot of monitors. They were certainly hooked up to a lot of computers. Few were for sale, just the ones that had prices that dwarfed the price we paid for our last few cars. The formula seems to be that a 24" monitor costs $150, but call it a 24" Gaming monitor and you can charge $599 for it.

I had no choice but to flag down a Helpful Sales Consultant.
Unfortunately they were all out of Helpful Sales Consultants. There weren't even any Generally Pissed Off or Grumpy Sales Consultants. I stood there, counting down until it was time to use the phrase, "IF I WAVE MONEY, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME?" It was then that I discovered the secret to good service: be a woman. An attractive one. I noticed that the Helpful Sales Consultants, all male, were 'taking care of' attractive females, who had trouble telling left from right. Fortunately for them, they have two breasts, or all hell would break loose. Due to my inability to be a woman, good or bad looking, my temperature started going up. I thought of all sorts of interesting ways to either attract a Helpful Sales Consultant or put on a show so good, they'd talk about it for years (and I'd be banned from every Best Buy on the east coast).

Funny, there sure were lots of employees on and about the phones. Some were talking to the People Known as Customers, but most were doing what they do best: standing around, getting paid, and laughing with other employees about the sad state of the stock market these days and the poor suckers trying to get their attention.  Five of them were holding hands in a circle, dancing around a cash register, performing some sort of ritual, designed perhaps to attract more customers (that they wouldn't acknowledge). Another two were having oral under a counter. Or they might've been eating dinner... same thing.

FINALLY I located a Helpful Sales Consultant who looked like he knew what he was doing (he was over 17). He was with someone else, but promised to send another Helpful Sales Consultant over for me. Of course he lied, but everybody felt better for those five seconds. While waiting for this alleged help, two more employees came by, with two more attractive women. What I wouldn't do for a vagina at that point (I always say that). FINALLY someone else came over, strictly by accident. Had he heard someone needed help, he'd be over playing with the Barbies. Still.

I told him what I wanted and he looked at me like I was a blithering idiot and what specific specs did the items have? Oh, a monitor? All we have is over on that shelf - take a look and see if it's what you want.  Now I don't want the guy to hold my hand (or anything else) but you think there would be some effort there. 'Over there' turned out to be shelves with 8 monitors, including exactly no 24" monitors. Makes perfect sense, right? Helpful Sales Consultant indicated that was about it. I helpfully asked what about the ten 24" monitors I saw online and pulled one up. He asked why not have it delivered to my house. No problem - can you guarantee I'll get it tomorrow? He looked and pronounced it would be ready to ship in exactly two weeks, which, as you know, is a lot longer than tomorrow. He further let me know if I wanted a monitor tonight, I'd have to get one from the shelf or I'd be S.O.L. (Sarah's Other Licker or Shit Out of luck, depending). Anything he ordered would take 2 weeks.

Oh.

Why did the website tell me to pick the monitor up at my local store?

Because you can pick it up at the store after your order it.

What kind of Joe Biden operation are they running? You can have whatever you want, at whatever price you want, provided you wait a few weeks. If I wanted a monitor, I could have gone to a number of places, but I stupidly went to the one with all the inventory listed on their page. It's like the blindfolded throwing darts in the dark, or Kevin Spacey with a hot chick.

Mind you, I got everything else without ordering it (or being accosted by different Helpful Sales Consultants). I couldn't decide whether I was Superman or Arthur, The Moth.



BUT WAIT... it gets better:

Once home, I unpacked my booty (boy was my wife surprised). After playing Hot Potato with a micro SDQQQ card, I finally got it in the slot and my tablet recognized it. This is what the religious community refers to as a Minor Miracle. Don't tell anybody, but I think I saw Pontius inside the tablet. Since it was a much bigger card than the stock memory, I moved all my hamster pr0n over to it, with plenty of space for more. Let's just say I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

Emboldened by Minor Miracles, I put together my 23" (NOT 24") monitor for which I overpaid. It's the first monitor I ever saw with a power block, as opposed to plugging in the regular old power cord. The joy of working with something new overcame me and, within twenty minutes of walking in my own door, I lost the power brick. HOW DO YOU LOSE A POWER SUPPLY in a tiny room with a 5' radius in which to work? How did those 3 humongous bags of Peanut Butter M&Ms disappear? I dunno.

I get a gold star for not crying, especially after watching my dog having trouble getting around. Dejected, I went to bed, planning to ask my lovely wife to help me look the next day. Of course she failed too.  As soon as it disappeared, it came back, like Rosie O'Donnell to the buffet. Of course you know by now that I forgot what the adapter looked like and it was right in front of me the whole time. I'm thinking of getting a brain tuneup but Wife suggests I go with a new, upgraded unit. She says even an average one will be a step up.  If I had any brains, I'd be insulted.

I *AM* the Black Cloud

I've seen some shit.
I've been through some shit.
The amount of shit piled up at my place now actually exceeds the interior volume of the house. It's called Quantum Shit.

You've had bad days.
I've had bad days.
This day is unprecedented in all its badness.

Most of my bad days start with computers. This makes perfect sense, as I've been in computers since high school. You know... a long time ago. My main computer was looking a little weird (as opposed to its owner, who is looking very weird), so I figured a redo was in order. Load up the dvd, reboot, and POOF, there were weird characters and it was having trouble reading the drive. The drive is solid state, plus I could see the folders, so all was not lost. I re-redid it. Weird error message. I re-re-redid it. Same weird error message. No suggested fixes worked.

Ok, main computer only has all of my stuff on it... (backed up), but I need a computer to run it on. Wife's laptop: kernel panic. For those of you not familiar, kernel panic is really bad, m'kay? It's what happens when the computer knows I'm overstressed or Just Plain Pissed, so it's terrified of me. So I tried to redo it. It was still panicked. I started to panic. It's not like there's a computer on every step on the stairs.

My phone decided it wasn't going to deal with email. This isn't an unreasonable idea, but it is for a phone. In fact, the relatively new tablet also refused to deal with email, in sympathy with the phone. I, on the other hand, had no sympathy for these devices and my neck was getting sore from shaking my head so much, out of sheer grief and aggravation.

AHA - I have a spare laptop... kinda anemic, but it'll get the mail!
Yes, I located said laptop. Unfortunately I did not locate laptop's power supply. No matter, I have 50 of them; almost one that fit, except it was missing the part that went to the electrical outlet. After digging that up, I plugged it in and it did its best impersonation of a government employee: nothing. In case you're counting at home, this is 3 computers, a phone, and a tablet.

The tears running down my face gave no indication that I would be more comfortable shooting from a tall building or mall.

Ladies and blog readers, this is just about the end of my computer inventory. Somewhere is an ancient pc with an ancient version of Ubuntu on it, but I suspect it had gone on vacation with the 3 laptops that have gone POOF over the last 3 years.

Pulling up the tablet, I ran a virus scan, because I'm like that. Halfway into the scan, POOF. The tablet shut off. I figured it was part of the Random Reboot package I paid extra for, but no, it shut down. Period. I plugged it in, hoping for some stupid reason it would work but NO. THE F&$#ING TABLET WAS HOSED. Bricked. A flat, sporty screen with nothing on it ever again. It was dead. Pushing up daisies. Gone and joined the choir invisible. Bereft of life, it rested in peace. POOF. It just died to spite me- no other reason.

Do ya see what I'm talking about? Once the excrement hits the whirling device, the only thing that happens is more excrement and more whirling devices, until I smell a bit and can't move for shit.

There was a small tablet around somewhere. Somewhere (far away look in his eyes). It disappeared, perhaps on purpose, the day the larger tablet arrived. Maybe it felt inferior. I just can't find it, in spite of the fact it only lived in one of two places, both now empty.

So I was dead in the water. Nothing. No way, no how. I couldn't get my frigging email. You know what that's like. You get the shakes, the bends, your genitals shrink, and you become even less tolerant of anyone sharing your living space.

I got a drink, sat back down, and promptly spilled most of it on my hand and pants.
I made dinner and burned myself, after I couldn't find the last ingredient of anything I wanted to make. The door fell off the pantry. The dog needed to go outside every 10 minutes, which she never does.

This is the part that's killing me: the only communicative device I had left was the work iDevice. With even more tears and a groin pull, I went about seeing if it could handle the tiny amount I needed to throw at it (not that the phone couldn't, but maybe wouldn't). I installed an email account. HALLELEUJAH! I installed a 2nd email account... well, no I didn't.. because I couldn't find the button to install a 2nd email account, including the one that said New Account. After asking my iHole friends, I learned that you don't add accounts to email through the email program - you add it in the Accounts section of the phone. Well how stupid could I be? How didn't I know this?  The only thing that really grinds my gears is that this is the only device in the known universe that has no punctuation on its keyboard. If you want a period, you have to push SPACE twice, or go to a second page of keyboard. What kind of abjectly drunk design is this? Periods are sort of common in most languages, with commas in there too. I checked the Apple Store and there were none to be found.

On the way to celebrate me, I kicked a case of soda. Not on purpose - my size 17 feet kick everything around me, whether I want them to or not. I can mistakenly kick something that's 2 feet away from me, simply because it's there while I walk by. Mostly I trip over stuff. Stuff that really isn't in the way. Every day I go into my computer room and notice the little space heater, and every day my foot hits it on the way by. It's like the device suddenly does the impossible and gets larger for half a second, while I pass by it. Or sticks out its imaginary foot.

Feeling overjoyed at something working, I went to check my mail.
Nope, I can't find the phone.
The phone I just got my email from.
It is missing.
People who don't know me and have never seen my house tell me I look organized.
Of course I look organized - if I don't put something in its place the moment I'm done with it, I will never find it again. So putting things away just looks organized.
Wait... I remember putting it on the sofa arm. Things on the sofa arm generally fall next to the sofa. Nope, not this time.
Hey - just last week I put my phone there. I found it hours later, in between the sofa cushion and the sofa end. Sure enough, this was the second one to do it.
So I put the phone in its place, after which it immediately plummeted to the ground, unassisted.

They tell me, whoever they are, that the universe is an incredibly vast place, with lots of strange real estate and even stranger furniture. Being so vast, the universe couldn't possibly care about me. Screw that - it is actively involved now, monitoring my every move and making sure nothing performs as expected. I just found a speaker I've been looking for (behind the computer desk, where all speakers go to relax). Sometimes I get the feeling that if stuff didn't go wrong for me, the entire universe would stop suddenly and disappear. I am that critical to Operations.

With nowhere else to go, I hooked up my old desktop. It booted! It did not explode. It did not have kernel panic (or kernel generalized anxiety). It did not shun me. For fun, I checked the last time it was run. Depending on file dates, alcohol, and potent pharmaceuticals, it's about 3-5 years. I remember this box kicking ass. Since I have no real memory, it's incredibly slow. After everything else is done, I have to build a new one. I'm getting too old for this shit.

The version of Xubuntu is very old. Very very old. Pre-Obama old. Depending on the version, you have to upgrade one by one, or every two versions. By next week, I'll be almost up to date!


Shopping List:

1. 2 full size mice
2. 24-ish inch monitor
3. new motherboard, processor, and RAM
4. 1 or 2 solid state drives, 1 laptop
5. a Sawzall for the next time I get mad
6. someone to follow me around and apologize for things I just said
7. Samsung tablet repair
8. sore throat drops from yelling

Not bad for a single day!

At Least the DOG is Happy to See Me

After stumbling to the kitchen, forgetting where the dog food was, feeding the little darling and tripping over a pair of size 27 clown feet (mine), I decided to make a change. I got all positive and told the Universe it was going to be a great day.. an unprecedented day... a real change. As I said this, I tripped and fell backwards into a chair.

Unprecedented.

• My good friends at the supermarket have been busy lately. Remember, this store has a full time employee to follow me around, see what I buy, and stop carrying it immediately.  This is in addition to the Confuse the Customer Initiative, where they keep moving stuff around for no apparent reason.  "Coffee? - that's all the way up the other end." But it was here yesterday. "Yeah, we moved it."
• The latest victim was my creamer. The full time lefty impaler saw me buying this one brand and type of creamer. I don't need to tell you how important coffee is, right?  Within a month, they stopped carrying that flavor. As of the other night, they stopped carrying the brand.
• Every now and then I wonder how normal people live.

Dear lefty:

• What about Mondays?
• They are known to come right on the heels of Sunday, but one can have up to 5 of them per week.

Coworker Follies:

HIM: WAAAAAAAH - I can't get to that website! What's the address?

ME: Wait, I have to look it up - you use it every day, I don't.

HIM: Ok, got it. No, I don't. I can't get there. WAAAAAAH!

ME: what did you type?

HIM: is it an http or an https? 

ME: always assume S - for 'secure'.

HIM: what about the www?

ME: Did I tell you to use www?

HIM: No, but all web addresses use www.

ME: [eyes starting at the back of my own head] No they don't.

HIM: Well, I can't get out. This must be a bigger problem.

ME: Can you get to Google? Or whatever your default pr0n site is?

HIM: Yes.

ME: Then it's not a bigger problem.

HIM: Oh.

ME: The bigger problem is that you somehow got hired.

• I do not find it unreasonable for a phone's dictionary to have 'taser' in it. Apparently LG does.

Speaking of Judge Judy.... the woman stirs up thoughts of illegal actions. Don't even....

I realize that my previous idea of a show where people pay to watch people hit her with a 2x4 might be a little much, but why not a taser? Taze Judge Judy! Within one season, the national debt will be wiped out.

If, and I can't imagine why, people ever tire of watching Judge Judy get tased, we can expand things to Taze Your Favorite Celebrities!  Are you tired of people being celebrities for no reason? Taze the Kardashians! Taze the Talking Heads (news and music).  Taze Oprah! Think of the possibilities. After the national debt is paid off, we can give billions to charities. It's a win-win.

• Oops -Google has been caught again. This time it's the Nest security camera, which was just found to have a hidden mic in it. 
• Think about it - Google is literally spying on you. This is deliberate.
• Between Faceyspaces and Google, it's a race to see how much of your data can be slurped up. Are you mad yet?  No.

• Speaking of Faceyspaces, they were just discovered using their own technology to keep tabs on ex-employees they feel can hurt them.

Dear lefty:

• Woger Wainbow, from Wolling Wock, Wisconsin, asks where this crap comes from.
• Well, Woger, the voices dictate and I just type. Don't tell anybody.

This week's paranormal research turns up two great headlines:

• Invisible UFO Recorded on Infrared Camera in Wiltshire  .... well, if it weren't invisible, how could it be recorded?
• 'Elixir of Immortality' Discovered in Ancient Chinese Tomb ...... apparently not all that successful

Let's finish up with something light.

How to 'fix' healthcare in the US.

Having been in the medical industry, a consumer, and an advocate, I have some experience and knowledge on the topic.

The Bernie-ites want socialism, and claim healthcare is free, as is college. If you have a remotely healthy number of functioning brain cells, you know nothing is free, regardless of politics.

Big Pharma and Big Insurance want whatever will cost them the least. They have been paying for this for years and years and are always the best bet for winner. Blame your representatives, who take the bribes contributions.

The lower-income folks believe they should be covered regardless.  Libertarians believe it's up to family, friends, and private charities. Others say it's society's duty to help those who can't (almost the same thing). Still others say let them drown. I think this routine is disingenuous: if prices for healthcare were reasonable, this wouldn't be an issue.

The UK and Canada thumb their noses at us because their system is superior.

Ahem.

Both have developed private healthcare systems because the main one doesn't work that well. Wait times are sometimes ridiculous. I can't get an approximate from either as to how much their 'free' healthcare costs them yearly. Mental healthcare is horrid, regardless of what country you're in. 

So how to fix it, regardless of the opinions of corporates with money?

I have no idea.

I can tell you in older days, you paid the doc out-of-pocket for your visits and insurance covered tests and hospitalizations. If you have Obamacare, it's not really insurance, until you pay your $5k+ deductible (more for a family). Many people can't afford insurance anyway. You can always negotiate a cash price with a doctor, but that doesn't work as well with the hospital. Also notice that private practices are being gobbled up by [hospital name] Healthcare System. This can't be good.

So, there are a bunch of facts and issues. Now what?
Whatever it is will have to be drastic, otherwise we're bandaging a bleeding artery, like Obama and Trump.

Please suggest something.