It's Black Cyber Giving Tech Monday Week

 

Your love is like   a spaceship to Uranus

Her:  I put the sugarbowl in the sink - it needs to be washed.

Him:  All that sugar made it dirty? 

Today I identify as  a female Philadelphia Eagle

I made the mistake of looking out of my window today. Very little good happens when I look out my window, so I try not to do it often. It's just that Mrs. lefty was telling me her favorite shoe store called, asking if she was ok because they haven't seen her this week. I was doing my husbandly duty - standing there, nodding my head and pretending to be absorbing something. It was precisely that moment that I looked out my side window. A sundeck had appeared. Not attached to my house, heaven forbid. It belonged to the new neighbor. Perhaps because I don't look out much, I didn't know what they were building. Perhaps the helicopters flew it in under the cover of night. I asked Wife the difference between patio and sundeck... she said sundeck is elevated. The joke is on Neighbor: it would have to be elevated a couple hundred feet to be of any use. We don't get sun here. I guess he didn't read the Sun Clause in his sale contract. He'd have to build one of those space elevator things to reach it. Or a stupidly high elevator, hopefully without an open back. I may not know when or how it got there, but I can tell you it was placed by his house at the precise position to create the maximum amount of noise to my house. That might explain the Men in Black, walking around with sound meters last week.

Speaking of space, three Chinese astronauts arrived on Wednesday at China's space station for the first in-orbit crew rotation in Chinese space history.

China announced they have achieved Orbital Superiority and farted in the general direction of the West. China also announced that the Flying AIDS originated in the International  space station, as yet more subterfuge from the Americans. The Chinese astronauts should be back on Earth "as soon as they clean that little matter up." In the meantime, the Chinese astronauts must wear a mask on all spacewalks.

Top Senators want controls on US contractors using Chinese chips

What do you mean the horses left the barn a few years ago?

Lobbying Group for U.S Semiconductor Industry: Government Assistance Necessary to Maintain Global Leadership

After Biden gave them billions, they're back at the trough.

Great new software?

I found this program that lets you take notes in your own handwriting.

I dunno about you, but I use my phone and computers because no one can read my handwriting (me included).

There's an app for documenting where you put stuff, so you don't lose it.

By the time I'm done opening the app, I won't remember why I'm standing there.

Then there's "Mind-Mapping" software. Yeah, like the software can do what the doctors haven't been able to do for 20 years.....

An app to keep track of your vacation days

We less sophisticated hourly laborers call that a calendar  

Impractical Jokes

If you want to good-naturedly prank your boss or coworkers, there are a number of easy ways to go about it.

1. set their Windows language to Mandarin
2. rotate Windows so it's upside down or sideways
3. pull their shirt off
4. get a live USB of linux, plug it into his USB drive, and reboot. When he looks, he'll see Ubuntu - login   and will think someone blew out his computer and installed linux. I did this once. The look was priceless.

There are many ways to prank nasty, but I can't think of any that don't involve unemployment and the police. 

--> at the bar:

Bob, how are ya?

Good. You?

Great. How are you and the missus getting along?

Come to think of it, everything's been really smooth lately. Not a single fight. I'm pretty happy about it.

What's your secret?

She's at her mother's for the week.

Nuclear submarine 'buzzed by underwater object travelling faster than speed of sound'

Before I stated reading this, I'm thinking that something of this nature doesn't usually get released. Oh, it was 1998. And it came from someone on the sub, not through official channels. If you're curious, look up USOs. There's a lot of them about.

DHL is buying 2,000 electric Ford E-Transits as delivery vans

Good for them. I still want to know how much it will cost to generate the electricity to charge them - both financially and climatewise.

I can't imagine why, but Parler and Twitter jettisoned Kanye after he said "I like Hitler."

Let's try to make something positive out of this. Hitler... well... he was very successful, for one. He certainly put that mustache on the map. He understood how to get attention (like Kanye?). He did wonders for the rail industry. I'll stop now.

A Jewish MMA fighter said he'd fight Kanye.

Hang on.... Jewish MMA fighter? He hangs out with the female hockey player and the Korean basketball guy. Must be Israeli.

There's a measles outbreak in Ohio.

So... you know.... stay out of Ohio. Which is probably good advice all the time.

Tesla finally delivered its first electric semi truck to Pepsi, years late.

Do you think Musk can do something to make Pepsi taste good, or is that beyond even his abilities?

• The dog suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder: she doesn't get enough attention.

Monarch Tractor Launches First Commercially Available Electric, Driver Optional Smart Tractor

Well, I hope they don't expect any sales in Kentucky, where drunk tractor racing in the state sport.

 

 I found a gadget. It's pretty damn cool and pretty damn cheap. It's a little vise-like thing that holds circuit boards so you can work on them. It was a BLACK FRIDAY sale, which somehow got extended and extended. Or something time traveled again, but I just can't go there now. The gadget is $25. Perfectly reasonable. The PA sales tax is $2.50. Perfectly unreasonable. PA doesn't need its fat fingers any further in my pocket. Shipping is $17.50. My $25 gadget now costs me $45 and will arrive between next week and next December. I could wait til next year, but by then, PA will have doubled the sales tax. 

How's my errant laptop?

I'm glad you asked.

They generated an RMA and I paid a return shipping fee. Or rather, I tried to pay a return shipping fee. I put my details in and it kinda look like it might have taken. I asked them for confirmation.

As with any online transaction I make, it completely failed. My brother recently suggested I get the spirits of the dead people out of my house. How come spirits of dead people aren't helpful?  You never hear that dead people helped a person win the lottery or found their lost pet; only that they made things impossible for the homeowner. I hope to get them exorcised, as it were. If this goes on much longer, I may join them. 

So now we're weeks into Laptop Hell and it's still sitting on my desk. Meanwhile I'm still relying upon the ancient laptop that is what we call anemic, underpowered, and the little engine that tried its best and got a trophy. I really like it, though. I tried something to make it run better. The browser and email program immediately started crashing. So much for that brilliant, absolutely standard, works for everybody else idea. After my main laptop gets fixed, I'll reluctantly have to buy a medium-performance laptop as a backup, so this doesn't happen again. Wife told me a long time ago, you have to buy quality tools because you work with them so much. Bright woman, her taste in men aside.

This happened at work. It's my job to check anomalies.

Me: Hey, did you try to login a bunch of times yesterday and fail?

Him: What do you mean?

Me: You know... log into your computer. About 8am?

Him: Sometimes I have to log in a few times before I get in

Me: And that was your machine, at 8am?

Him: I don't always get in the first time

Me: were you using your email address to log in?

Him: I use 2 factor authentication

Me: If I called you, how is it that you're pranking me?

Him: I log in every morning.

Me: So that was you? Around 8?

Him: I was off yesterday afternoon.

Me: Who taught you to tell time? They should probably be shot. Did you log in at all yesterday?

Him: My computer doesn't let me log in til later, if at all. I'm off Friday.

The machines work fine; it's the people I worry about.

How Was I Supposed to Know Monkeys Can't Swim?

 

Your love is like   an ice cream sundae without the cherry. or the ice cream.

There is a Slade song called Monkeys Can't Swing, that will now be going through my head for a week.

Today I identify as  the new book by Woodward and Bernstein: All the President's Meds

To be fair, I watched a few videos, perhaps a concert from the 'new' Guns N Roses. For better or worse, it's pretty hard to replace Slash. Visually speaking, it seems to be a contest for who can look the most homeless and deranged.

China links COVID outbreak to man's jog through a park; scientists skeptical

China can always be counted on for entertainment. They've mastered the art of spewing total bullshit while looking deadly serious. Anybody with half a clue knows that the Flying AIDS was started by some lady blowing her nose inside her house in 1995.

I'm listening to the scanner, with 19,450 other people, to the police clearing a school. As best I can gather, there was a student with a gun, but no shooting. I'm glad there was no serious trouble or injuries.

What have we learned from the increase in shootings?

Well, the students have learned that shooting up their school is a thing. And that it brings infamy, which they mischaracterize as fame. More importantly, they learned that hoaxing or showing up with a gun will cause a ruckus and shut the school down for the day, so they'll miss that math test. 

As usual, I was way ahead of the crowd. A verrrry long time ago, way before people shot up schools as a hobby, I brought a toy gun to school. I didn't understand the ensuing fallout, which earned me a trip to the principal's office. The bastard STOLE my gun and lectured me. It was no different than anyone else's toy gun, and shot little noisemakers, but only as noise - not as projectiles. The only way you could hurt anyone with it was to hit them over the head, but I'd lay odds that the gun would collapse before the head would. Again, this was years and years before shooting became popular and I wasn't looking for fame or infamy... I was just playing with my toy gun. This was the start of my interaction with people high in the structure of organizations. Since then I've managed to limit it to weekly (scheduled) appointments with HR. 

Alzheimer's drug lecanemab hailed as momentous breakthrough

First drug to attack the source.

I wish we had this years back, for a couple of people in my family. And yours.

The latest in Bust on Musk 

He will allow any info on the Flying AIDS on Twitter, regardless of whether it's considered 'correct' or conspiracy theory. Cue the rabid outcry about how people are going to die because of this. Somebody needs to force him to spread the Narrative! He's dangerous! The government needs to regulate Twitter! Why can't Twitter be more like Faceyspaces?

Unfortunately, he's also letting some known abusers back in. So get out your kevlar bikinis, kids.

 In an attempt to look like it's concerned about the climate, Epson will stop making laser printers by 2026. They claim that laser printers are not sustainable and inkjets are a-ok, having raised the pages per minute, which was a major complaint.

Ok, Epson, I'll play along.

I bought a laser because I only print once a month. Yes, I forfeit color, but if I had an inkjet, the inks would all dry out after the first time I printed something. That's not sustainable either. Oh, then there's the remote bricking of some of your printers. You can only bypass it once, with the help of a repair person, then the printer is completely bricked. You're so concerned. We can feel it in our bones. 

A man in England just won a court case against his former employer, who fired him because he didn't enjoy the company's boozy, fun culture.  I feel his pain. After helping out with an after hours move once, I was offered a beer by a VP. I said "No thanks, I don't drink." She looked at me in horror and said, "You mean you're like this without alcohol?"

I come by my crazy organically. It would be dishonest to get it from a bottle.

San Francisco allows police to use robots to remotely kill suspects

No shit: the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has ok'd the use of lethal robots (when lives are at stake). Recently an armed man was holed up in a building. They sent in a robot, armed with explosives, which blew the place, and the man, to bits.  Justice was done. Well, he didn't have a trial yet, but rest assured, justice was done. No one was actually at risk, but we are telling you, justice was done. The police department saved possibly hundreds of hours by assassinating disposing of removing the threat making the area safe for the children. Yeah, the children!

UC Berkeley's official statement was that lethal force should only be used on Jews, who are, by the way, still prohibited on campus.

Artemis missions will usher in a new, more diverse crew of astronauts

Thank GOD (and Biden). The aliens were ready to boycott monitoring us in space because we're not diverse enough. Perhaps we can get Kamala on a rocket soon.....

Fun Security and Cloud Breaches, or Why I Want a Dumb Car

Hyundai app bugs allowed hackers to remotely unlock, start cars

Sirius XM flaw unlocks so-called smart cars thanks to code flaw

Intruders gain access to user data in LastPass incident

there is a very good reason I recommend Keepass - no Cloud - nothing to break into

My phone lost its mind again the other day. It was convinced it was April. I didn't have the emotional stability to see in which year. Rebooting fixed it again.  Mrs. lefty said it wasn't confused, it was time traveling. Well, that's pretty stupid, I thought (because I don't say things like that out loud to Wife). Assuming she's correct, why would a phone want to go back to the early 2000s, before it was even born?  It's not like it was going to meet Ben Franklin or Henry Ford (a nazi sympathizer, like UC Berkeley). When it time traveled the first time, perhaps it was visiting its ancient cousin, the Treo 180. I had one - it's not exciting enough to visit via time travel, although it was pretty cool at the time. Most of the Really Exciting Stuff came many years before. It didn't even get to be terrified of the Y2K bug. It could have visited Hendrix at Woodstock in 1969, and watched him play the Star Spangled Banner. I'd love to see that. The signing of the Constitution? Boston Tea Party? George Washington farting in the general direction of the King. So many great points in history. But I guess a cell phone confused enough about the date might not be intelligent enough to pick a good destination in time.

While typing the above paragraph, Blogspot let me know there was no internet connection. This surprised every other thing I was doing that was connected to the internet. They almost had a crisis, thinking their internet connection was imaginary and a trip to the Happy Place<tm> was imminent. After troubleshooting, it turned out the browser didn't think it was connected to the internet. Other than last week, when it happened the first time, I've never seen a browser so confused it thought it wasn't connected to the net. 

Every now and then I wonder what it's like to be normal. To have your electronic devices fail to gang up on you. To have the house and car fail to collude to empty any of that filthy dirty money in the bank. To have 2/3s of your laptops not give you the finger at once. To have absolutely no time traveling phones. What's it like?

Guess the most common password.

Read that again for the answer.

STOP IT. You're begging for trouble.

123456 isn't any better.

YOU are the one responsible for your own security. If you keep using these passwords, and keep on using them for everything, it's only a matter of time. Take an interest.

• Comcast's sneaky Broadcast TV fee hits $27, making a mockery of advertised rates

When I was young, there was a... mentally challenged kid, whose entire vocabulary seemed to consist of "Yee Yee." I mention this because Kanye wants to be called Ye. That aside, I want to try a little sympathy. Ye Ye has documented issues, bipolar disorder being one. The last time he went off on a nonsensical tirade, I called for the guy getting medicated correctly. Unfortunately he's back in the same spot. He either needs his meds readjusted or he needs to resume taking them.  Knowing his diagnosis, this behavior is 'normal' for the high side of bipolar. Mrs lefty has bipolar disorder, so I've seen it up close. The difference between treated and untreated is amazing. Ye is also being aided and abetted by other famous persons, which is playing into the disorder and his behavior. If he had a broken leg and kept not getting it treated, what would you think?

As for posting swastikas and doing the Antisemitic Shuffle, this is causing a problem, bipolar or not. Ye has ruffled the feathers of the Anti Defamation League, which is not something you want to do. The ADL is its own little hate group, like a very mature BLM. And this is spilling out to the public and all over the place.

Earlier I said it's 2022, why do we still have this shit - referring to racism. Now we're back after the Jews too. I thought (hoped) we were grown up and past all that crap. Apparently not. My (Jewish) best friend was routinely assaulted when he was little, because he was Jewish. I don't think he's looking forward to going back.

This is also very convenient for the people really running things. It's just more Divide and Conquer. Keep the people fighting about republican vs democrat and they will never have effective government. Add in racial fighting and the few people questioning things will get drowned out. It's brilliant in its simplicity. Hate is taught. Refuse to practice it.

Your Mother Charges Phones

 

Your love is like blue ketchup

Leprosy: Ancient disease able to regenerate organs

This is tremendous news! I can't think of a down side. Here, try this.

Today I identify as  someone who hasn't had turkey in months

DAMMIT

RIP Christine McVie, of Fleetwood Mac (79), from an undisclosed illness

Your Thanksgiving might have been like many other Thanksgivings all over the world - family, turkey, relatives falling over for lack of a nap, children chasing each other with sharp objects, and some sports. Not mine. Ok, mine had relatives, no turkey (I brought Thanksgiving burgers, and no, they were not turkey burgers), kids with lasers, a few aliens, and more dessert than dinner. The best time of all was right before we left, when someone said the dog pooped on the floor. This started a chorus of experts, saying that it was NOT poop, it was... or.... etc. At one point, there were 6 adults standing around the small brown object, most bent over, staring and straining to come up with an alternate explanation to excrement. I stood back with my aunt, hysterical at the congress of Excrement Experts, performing in their fields, in the field. While they were still guessing, I yelled, "TASTE IT," figuring I'd just be another expert voice. My aunt thought it was funny. Eventually 4 out of 6 experts agreed it wasn't poop. We never caught exactly what the errant particle was, but it wasn't poop, and that was the main thing. Two of the experts, who kept silent, just wagged their tails and walked away. Job well done.

US Supreme Court asked if cops can plant spy cams around homes

With all the damage the Supreme Court is doing, this should be interesting. The suit refers to cameras on utility poles, pointed into homes. The ACLU says there should be a warrant. The ACLU doesn't know we're in the post-warrant era.

I was minding my own business when it became time to leave my couch, for places known. I figured we'd be safe - twas after black Friday.  

Let me back up a second. You see, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing when writing. So after a nice intro, I'm already backing up. Suffice it to say that I have no slippers. I have never had any slippers. I do not want slippers and have actively turned them down. It's some sort of internal reaction, based upon who knows what, maybe in my childhood, or last week, which is kinda the same thing. My grandfather had slippers. My wife has slippers (probably 12 pairs). My dog eats slippers. Unfortunately my feet are cold a lot. Sometimes I feel I need a blanket just for them. So I had to break down and get slippers. I had to surrender my young abrasive man card. No matter how bad I feel, at least I can entertain you, right?

Or I could have done the intelligent thing and kept my sneakers on after work hours. But I don't do the intelligent thing. I come up with an idea and spend way too much time and effort making it happen. Yes, I row my own boat. I also drill ventilation holes in it.

I got an unintended view into how department stores are set up today.

MANAGER: Ok, I want cosmetics and women's clothing here.

Employee: What about the second floor?

Manager: Oh, that's for women's shoes.

Employee: Uhhh.. what about men's stuff?

Manager: Don't worry, I thought of everything. We left a small spot next to the escalators, right by the bathroom. Set all men's things up there.

As we walked, I once again thanked the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I'm not female. The real estate given to pocketbooks was enough to install an olympic-size pool. I can't imagine having to pick out one (is that why ladies have so many, or is that just shoes?). Wife took me to slippers. I told her they are NOT men's slippers. Something about all the pink ones, plus they were next to the pocketbooks, at the deep end of the pool. I was concerned, because I never have to tell her anything about shopping. It's like if we went guitar shopping and she had to direct me to the left handed ones. I figured since the 450 pairs of women's slippers were next to underwear, we'd head to the men's department (only one of us can fit there at a time) and look at underwear.... slippers were bound to be near. Two minutes later, BINGO - I found the slippers. There was a large display. And when I say a large display, I mean a bunch of them thrown about a table. They had quite a variety. And when I say variety, I mean you get the choice of size and color - there was ONE pair and you had better like them. So that's 450 pairs from which women can choose and one for the men. It's worse than I thought. If there were any more, they might get in the way of the bathrooms, or that big red button on the escalator that you hit when the escalator eats someone. 

Meta Reportedly Fires Dozens of Employees for Hijacking Users' Facebook and Instagram Accounts

Meta is Faceyspaces' and Instagram's parent. Sure, they fired some, but rest assured, this goes on daily. Even if they tell you they don't or it's encrypted, they can and do read it. The Prime Directive applies: don't write anything if you don't want it out there. Nothing is private.

The federal government was asked to develop a 5 year plan to fix the climate.

I have a coffee cup that says "Government -  if you think the problems we create are bad, wait til you see our solutions." We are asking the highest office in the land, as well as one of the most incompetent, to fix a HUGE issue that some argue isn't an issue. Hey, let's ask the almost 80 year old guy - he'll have some good ideas!

• a huge Space Umbrella to block the sun 
• "give" everybody big air conditioners
• tax the sun
• ask it nicely
• have the climate sit with Congress for a month

Amazon Alexa is a “colossal failure,” on pace to lose $10 billion this year

I guess it depends on your point of view. While it may be losing money, it's gaining a ton of your information. Remember when Amazon said Alexa only listens when you address it, then admitted that it's listening all the time?

World's Shortest Books

1. Famous Asian Hockey Players
2. What Amazon DOESN'T Know About Me

There is something wrong with my thumbs... perhaps my entire hands. Ever since touchscreen phones came out, I haven't been able to master them. Some of it isn't my fault... I think the 'flowing' text was just put there to aggravate people. The suggestions that come up are just silly and that's not my fault. But if there's a volume control or something like that, I have to sit there and keep trying to move it til my thumb hits the right spot. Other people don't seem to have this problem. I'm sure there are some great uses for huge thumbs (and large hands), but I can't come up with any at the moment (the curse of anyone with a blog). I never saw my thumbs as large; they've been with me since birth (as far as I know). They're original equipment. The fingers' other talent is hitting the INSERT key, no matter what keyboard I use. I'm always typing over things because I inadvertently hit Insert. All of this only became a problem with phones. It's almost like they're clownishly large, but they really aren't. Am I going to need one of those phones for old people, with huge buttons? My cognition is ok, but my thumbs aren't. It would be fun to walk into a phone store and tell the person behind the counter, "Hello. My thumbs are very large," then wait for a reaction. Hey, at least I didn't say 'penis.' 

It has been suggested that I'm the Missing Link, but I look too much like humans for that to be true. Same thing for being a Martian. My uncle has thumbs that can wrap around a glass or a telephone pole. I noticed this when I was little. Now we're both adults and I still think about his thumbs. I'm not sure what that means, but that's for the doctors to figure out. Wife has me put my hands up against hers. I think she has long, slender piano fingers. She thinks I'm an aberration. The joke's on her - she married me. Hendrix had fingers so long, he could to 3 things at the same time. But length doesn't really matter (says the guys)... some great players have tiny little sausage fingers. I'm talking breakfast sausages, not kielbasa or any of those larger sausages. Mine seem to work just fine on the guitar, and for most other things. Except the bloody phone. 

But it's open season for benefits at work. Unfortunately it's also open season for Medicare, which results in more commercials than you can throw an anvil at. William Devane is now shilling for Medicare alternatives, as is William Shatner. Shatner sounds like he has a cold. Some stations run nothing but these commercials (and a few life insurance commercials). What they don't realize is that they're putting everybody OFF their insurance. I won't go to Sonic because the commercials are the most idiotic I have ever seen on tv. And because the alleged food sucks. Have you ever seen a commercial so idiotic that it's offensive? That's Sonic.

So it's time to review your benefits, if you have any. Bless you if you're stuck with Obamacare. My employer had a few plans from which to choose. So I got out the slide rule, calculator, spreadsheet, and my trusty spatula, to figure out which plan was best for me. You're going to laugh, but the most expensive plan was the cheapest. My service elephant, Iqbal, double checked my math and said it was dead on. The only problem was that I could not get coverage for Iqbal, even though he's invaluable to me. Someone suggested pet insurance, but he's not my pet, and pet insurance is even more expensive than people insurance. It also has a lot of pre-existing condition exceptions. If your pet has hair, it can't be treated for anything involving hair or skin. Yellow teeth? Pre-existing. Pees? They won't cover the bladder. Walks into the vet? They don't cover the legs. So evaluate pet insurance thoroughly. Evaluate people insurance even more carefully. 

Speaking of my dog, she apparently considers herself something of an interior decorator. Last night she redecorated my office. All sorts of magazines ripped and moved, plus wires all over the place. This is infuriating because *I* am the slob - I don't need any help. She doesn't even put her own toys away - why should she be allowed to decorate? Even if I manage to get a spot on the sofa, I can't get there because of the dog toys, both on the floor and on the sofa. She just snickers at me, from the chair across the room. So make sure to look at your health insurance, in case anything changed or they're trying to put one past you. And remember: whatever you need, it isn't covered or has a $300 copay ($15,000 for Obamacare). In case you think I'm not 100% serious, the dog also thinks she's a cat. She walks in front of me and slows down. She knows exactly where I'm going. Just like our cat did. Cockers are not a herding breed; cockers are treat hounds.

• Btw, if you're a musician and like to build stuff. Mojotone.com has a sale, for which they send me more emails than air molecules around the planet. They have some pretty cool amp kits, parts, pedal kits, and building aids. They're reputable and won't give me a single thing for mentioning them.

Eli Lilly CEO says insulin tweet flap “probably” signals need to bring down cost

So pricing is arbitrary?

A false tweet got people outraged and the CEO made the above statement.

Pricing like this only happens in America.

Some patients ration their insulin as a result.

Companies obviously have to make a profit to stay in business. Let's hope they make things more reasonable, before DC gets involved.

This is for anybody who says Noddy Holder (Slade) is really Janis Joplin

Thai monks fail drug tests leaving temple empty

Ya know, not everybody is cut out to be a monk. But at least they're not molesting little boys.... 

Analysts predict Elon Musk is set to become number-one influencer on Twitter.

They also predict that the next people in space will be astronauts.

Black November is a Time to Buy Mowers

Your love is like  400 Black Friday sales emails and flyers

• Yes, I just heard a neighbor yell "YO" at his dog.

Today I identify as  someone who's not going out shopping anytime soon

 The Giving Holidays are coming up. All commercial entities want to make every holiday a Giving Holiday. Black Friday! Cyber Monday! Pre-Thanksgiving Month Giving! Black Labor Day! (oops). It's just over a month away, so most guys haven't gotten around to thinking about what to get the special woman in their lives. Or their wives. It's not like we wait til the last minute on purpose - we just don't think about it til then. Maybe we need the fear to push some adrenaline to help us shop better. It not like you even have to go to the store anymore, although you can't get a Frappucino at home. 

What do you get the woman who wants everything?

A cruise? A diamond ring? A large black vibrating thing?  C'mon, none of us can afford that stuff. Plus if you cruise, you get stuck in some tiny little cabin, with each other for days. At least when you work, you don't have to look at each other. It's a new day - how about some new gift ideas?

• Can't afford the house of her dreams? Get her a Barbie house! Because all women (with at least 1 personality) love Barbies! It's a large down payment, but there is no credit check or mortgage involved.
• a vibrator made from real elephant trunk
• how many people can I piss off at once?
• a PETA membership, including a jar of real blood to throw at people
• a case of Flying AIDS masks, especially if she's the kind who wears them in the house
• an Executive bubble wand
• a Harry Potter Wand ("Anorexia nervosium!")
• Dirty Harry movies (the ultimate chick flicks)
• dirty laundry detergent
• dirty laundry
• a brand new iron, with its own rug shampooer!
• a book on laundry through the ages
• (wait for it...) a brand new ironing board! You gonna score tonight, brah.

Yes, there are no limits to the gifts available to the creative!

• With all the SJW-ing about changing names of things, nobody has said a word about Black Friday. Think about that.

You think I make stuff up about going through hell in a gas tanker whenever I have to do something online? It is the absolute truth. I just don't tell you about the screaming and cursing, then the airborne objects, surface to air missiles, and my trusty flamethrower. I have a very good working relationship with the fire department, especially since I started dropping off donuts and coffee every morning. They know I'm licensed for all of my 'explosive gifts' and well-practiced. 

I needed to put in a service ticket for my errant laptop. This is a walk in the park for any normal person. It's a shame I'm not normal.  It went like this..

1. look up password for the site. It had simply disappeared from the password store. Look it up in backup #3 and found it. My backups are carefully synchronized, so that explains why it's in one but not the other. (?)
2. Locate site. Can't see it well, site blames my browser.
3. try 2nd browser. Site also blames 2nd browser. Site has issues.
4. try 3rd browser. I can see the entire site!
5. Log in. Nope, wrong password. No it isn't, but I play along and change password.
6. Log in again, with new password. Says it's the wrong password. I think this site's issues run deep and have something to do with its mother and hot dogs.
7. Switch browser profiles and whisper nicely to site. It works!
8. Now I can't see the ticket form. Oh. They didn't tell me I had to wait 10 minutes for it to show up. 
9. Fill out service ticket.  Annnnnd the SUBMIT button is grayed out.
10. Scream just a little. Click around the form randomly. Research their address. Start programming one of the ICBMs in my back yard. 
11. But WAIT!!!! The submit button isn't grayed out (nor is it greyed out). We have achieved submission. We don't know how, but we have achieved it.

I swear to you, this is a mild day. If I were purchasing tickets or paying a bill, I'd still be online, alternating between screaming, crying, and calling emergency numbers, questioning my very existence.

I did find a shortcut once, totally by mistake. I said something unpleasant about Kamala Harris. Within 15 seconds, the Secret Service bust down my door. 

"Hey, while you're here, guys, can you help me order these tickets online?"

In the end, I will not be seeing Jeff Beck in England, but I will be very well-protected. You say under surveillance, I say well-protected. Same thing.

Antisemitism - it's OK!

...survey showed that 26% of hiring managers say they are less likely to move forward with Jewish applicants. When asked why, 38% said that "Jews have too much power and control," which is also tied to another 38% who said, "Jews claim to be the 'chosen people"

Now change "Jewish" to "Black." 

It's very interesting that entire flotillas of people are jumping on Elon Musk, saying he's an idiot and Twitter is dead. Imagine for a second that Mr. Bob Smith bought Twitter. Beyond the initial announcement, you'd hear very little. Eventually, people would evaluate Twitter and Smith's performance in his job. Musk has owned Twitter for about a month, and everybody's piling on to personally insult and predict his assassination of his own purchase, since his purchase. It's almost like he changed his name to Elon Trump. I suggest we give the guy a little time, instead of predicting doom before the actual purchase. Then we can pile on, for better or worse. The double standard is ugly; we love to hate the rich. Speaking of which, Jeff Bezos/Amazon just laid off 11,000 people.

Former Manchester United forward Cristiano Ronaldo is suspended for two domestic matches for knocking a phone out of an Everton fan's hand.

I don't blame them. He's setting a bad precedent and hurting the image of football (soccer in American) by not clobbering the fan. In the old days, the guy would have been taken to hospital (taken to THE hospital in American), with serious injuries and blood all over his face. Messing with a phone? When did football start letting girls play? (girls in American)

My new neighbors on one side seem really nice. But you know there's a problem, right? They like to make noise. Frequently. Mostly when I work. At least when I make noise, it has musical content. These folks go for the mechanical. There's a mower, a leaf blower, a car with no muffler, a window washer, a couple of pieces of metal they bang together, and them yelling at the dog. The dog is 140lbs of Lab, and when he wants to lick you, you get licked.

gadly, this is not enough noise for them. They just found out about The 12hp Noise Machine<tm>. It's big, it runs on gas, and boy does it make noise. It doesn't cut the grass, it doesn't blow the leaves, and it doesn't do windows - it just makes noise. You can get it with wheels, so it's a tractor too! It makes 37 different kinds of noise (with the app, it can make up to 400!). You can move it all over the place, to bother different neighbors. If you have a small yard, you can purchase the optional Directional Shell, which sends all the noise in one narrow direction, so you can really disturb one neighbor at a time. The 12 horsepower Noise Engine<tm> really brings the noise! Sure, you can get a half horsepower mower, but why bother when you can get 12 horsepowers of pure noise. The engine doesn't have to drive a blade, so it can focus on exactly what you want and need: making noise. Get your 12hp Noise Machine now, and be the scourge envy of all your neighbors! Available at all Sears and KMart stores.

We all know the tv news is flawed in so many ways. My favorite is watching an entire team cover something with 1 fact, for an entire broadcast. A car chase or a shooting are examples: they send some poor schlub into the field to say many words about something they know nothing about. The other day I saw this on Court TV, which usually has some decent programming. A very sad multiple murder had taken place. All they had was place, method, and number of victims. The reporter was standing at the house where it took place, trying desperately to pad the 3 facts into a segment. We stared at each other and started to laugh.

REPORTER:  Here I am, where the horrific murders took place. There were 4 college students tragically murdered. I am outside the house where they were murdered. With a knife. Notice the police tape around the house. The police tape crosses the front of the house, to keep people away from the crime scene.

The house is 3 stories tall, but it was built into a hill. Notice the police tape around the side of the house, where I just appeared.

[The new Police Tape Drinking Game: whenever she says Police Tape, we take a shot] 

The police tape extends to the parking lot on the side of the house, so the area is not an exact square. There was a lot more police tape, but they are no longer marking off the parking lot.

It's very dark around the side of the house, especially after the sun goes down. This makes it difficult to see the police tape, still up around the house. FLASH UPDATE! Looking through the lower window, I see a KITCHEN! Yes, a kitchen. It could be used for making food or perhaps the alleged murderer got in through the window and allegedly cooked himself a meal, allegedly before or allegedly after the alleged murders. There are more windows around the house, some of which are no doubt bedrooms; several being the scene of the heinous murders. Our forensic specialist team assures us with a 93% certainty that the people in the bedrooms could not see the police tape when it was dark. One specialist pointed out that the crime tape wasn't there before the crime, but he was shouted down by the rest of our panel of experts.

It isn't easy to pad this shit out to 60 minutes, you know. We're doing the best we can. We're even running more Medicare commercials, as if that were even possible. I try my best. All my life, I've given everything I had. I wanted a career that allowed me to make use of my talents and my extensive education. Instead I'm on tv, in some God-awful freezing town in Idaho, doing location work. [tears]  It's not like there's a possibility of a promotion that will get me back into a warm studio, unless something happens to an existing anchor. Hmmmmm.....

Right now, we're still looking at the back of the house. I don't know if you heard our big break in the case, but we've discovered what looks like a kitchen, on the first floor of the house. I was lucky to get a peek through the window. I could just make out a sink, through the police tape.

We're going to go back to the studio, like I wish I was. Take it away, Bobbi.

Bobbi: Thank you, Schlubby. We'll be back to you if there are any new breaks in the case, or if we run out of commercials. I'm very attractive, so I get to stay in the studio.  Can you tell us which police tape they're using? How does it differ from Los Angeles police tape? By the way, it's 80 degrees here. You look cold.

[Wife suggested sending this to CourtTV. heh heh]

• Apple Device Analytics Contain Identifying iCloud User Data, Claim Security Researchers
• but but but.... they said no information was traceable back to a specific user...

I'm a day late, I think. Sorry. I've been fscking off.

Peanut Butter As Lubricant (on Turkey Day)

 

Happy Turkey Day, Merkuns. Happy Whatever Day, non-Merkuns. I'm not thankful for too much, but I'm thankful for you coming by and reading. Then coming back. For telling your friends (that you want to piss off) to come by. For people from other countries who come by and understand the idioms (or whatever they're called - sometimes they get loose and wreak havoc). 

Your love is like  peanut butter shrimp

If you have Outlook at work and need to leave an out of office message, add the words "due to supply chain issues." You will have the best out of office message, even if you get fired.

Today I identify as  Gweneth Paltrow, whose new candle scent is Brad Pitt's penis

Clams are classified as bivalves, because they have two engines. A clam presumed extinct for 40,000 years has been found alive. It's older than the president, but in better shape mentally. The government initially kept this a secret, because his retroactive Medicare payments would bankrupt the country (further).

I finally chose my use-or-lose vacation days, since they won't just pay me anyway. Since I got to this too late, but not later than last year,  I don't have to take the entire month of December off. Just most of it. In an effort to not shaft my coworkers, who would shaft me in half a second, I made sure I was in at least one day per week. And at most, one day per week. With my need for constant stimulation and constant direction, it should be interesting. With unlimited funds, I could just run around and buy stuff. I'm sure there are a lot of my readers with unlimited funds, but I am not one of them (a reader or with unlimited funds). I only blog because I like the money. That turned out to be a regrettable decision after I realized I turned off all the ads and haven't made a penny for over 12 years. So now I only blog.,... ummmm... 

• because it makes the dog proud of me?
• my wife likes the way it keeps me out of her hair
• my wife likes the way it keeps me out of her pants

it keeps me from making household repairs, which wind up costing twice as much when we have to call in the professionals (and the fire department)

just kidding - imagine what would happen if I applied my luck to plumbing.. the Dark Figures would have their way and a swimming pool would appear where the roof once was

So I have a bunch of days to fill with activities so I don't get up to things. I notified the police, fire, and the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. And the guitar stores. It turns out these aren't a problem, as they're just more things I cannot afford. I don't decorate the new black tree, except for a few vacuum tubes and some sex toys. TV is out because I can't stand Medicare commercials. Neighbors don't work from home, so loud guitar playing isn't any fun (nor is organizing Naked Banana Races). Competitive sleeping requires more practice than you think, and cooking is out, due to my oven's perfect 45 degree angle. I can't stand the razzing I get when I show up to a family function with a cake. There are only so many gallons of buttercream icing one can eat before the ambulance parks out front for entire days. 

[ring ring]

Hello?

I have to call you back. click.

I'm happily typing away on my last backup laptop, from I dunno, 12 years ago? It works, absolutely. But it's the one that can't be updated because it's 32 bit and there's little 32 bit software. I'll live. The only significant problem is that it's old and slow and bereft of memory (like me). With 4 programs up, I have to wait til a while after a mouse click before anything happens. Firefox is demanding a week's notice if I want to browse somewhere.

Google is a bitch too. Most of the browsers don't want to log into it. While this is a good policy in general, Blogspot is a Google product. The browser that WILL log in is small, but if you don't pay attention over a day or 3, it gets up to things. The memory use goes up faster than soda prices. It starts inserting things in the blog (so if there's anything you don't like, it was the browser, ok?). If you have lots of tabs open and don't pay attention to it, it makes confidential calls to the FBI about some of the activities you may or may not participate in. Due to a hilarious 'misunderstanding' about 9-11, I was advised not to grow a long beard or take any trips outside the country. 

So I watch the browser carefully.

Dontcha hate it when you get a voicemail from your doctor that goes, "Gee, sorry, we've closed the practice. It's been a real hoot and you should probably find another doctor, ok? If you need any medicine, good fscking luck. If you need any psych meds, walk around the street, naked and barking like a chicken. Eventually you'll get all the meds you ever wanted. And a warm bed. On a locked ward."

 

Social Media 2022

Running to Faceyspaces to complain about Twitter and say we're leaving.

Last year, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) released datashowing that it received overwhelmingly more reports of child sexual abuse materials (CSAM) from Facebook than any other web service it tracked

Aw, isn't that sweet? 

Now that Musk heard from the people of Twitter, he reinstated Trump. For his part, Trump is not returning, preferring his own social network. Let me guess.... his ego is running the show. Why turn down a huge opportunity to address people? 

Your tax dollars at work 

Biden administration earmarks $13 billion to modernize electric grid.

What form of government is it when the government subsidizes certain industries with taxpayer money? It's called America.

Biden administration grants $1.1 billion to keep Diablo Canyon nuke plant open

President Giveaway rides again!!!!!!!!!!!

Meh - it's only your money.  Won't have any effect on the deficit either. 51% of you put him in office. 51% of you should be taxed accordingly.

---------> don't blame me - I vote libertarian

Tax filing websites have been sending users' financial information to Faceyspaces!

The guilty parties are TaxAct, TaxSlayer, and H&R Block.

You need to read this. You need to contact the companies and stop doing business with them if they continue (which they will). Contact your congresspersons.

The only surefire way to block this is to fill out your return on paper [yikes!]. The way to do it electronically is through a HOSTS file. This goes on your computer (don't do your tax returns on a phone) and blocks any info going to advertising and spy domains (Faceyspaces, Google, ads).  Wikipedia has information on hosts files on all operating systems. This site has a list of HOSTS files which can block ads, gambling, pr0n, social stuff, and combinations. I use the first one. Through the combination of a HOSTS file and ad-blockers on my browsers, I never see ads. Never. This file will stop your computer from being able to send data to ad domains.

The pixels are also embedded in email. You're not going to like this, but turn off 'automatic image loading' in Outlook or whatever you use to read mail on your computer (and the web). The HOSTS file will stop this on your computer, but it's difficult to do on a phone. Try Firefox with an ad-blocker. If you use an iDevice, you're screwed. You can install any browser you like, but it all goes through Safari anyway.

Thanksgiving Sheep 

It's Turkey Time again!

This usually means a trip to family. It's a nice time for the local folks to get together. Everybody brings something and this year we volunteered (get ready) a turkey and a ham.

WHY did we volunteer a turkey on Thanksgiving? Because our host is a little off. Last year it was 2 different lamb roasts. This year there's a choice: lamb roast or lamb chops. Are you starting to see a theme here?

We volunteered a turkey long in advance, because we like to help out, and because I have a lamb allergy (I'm not allergic - I just don't like it). We were kept on hold for weeks til the hostess made her decision. It's not that she's a control freak, but we're given a time to arrive, with only a few minutes plus or minus. It's not that she has OCD, but the dishes are laid out alphabetically. You dare not touch them until you have the go-ahead, least you leave early with some silverware embedded somewhere the emergency room hasn't seen for a while.

So with a 2 day til Thanksgiving advance time, we were told turkey and ham weren't needed - just bring apple pie. The irony here is that I am allergic to apples. No problem - I just won't eat any pie. The extreme lack of notice is screwing with our food-bringing plans.... imagine having to get a turkey on 2 days' notice. But I'd rather do that than eat lamb. 

Let's take a moment to point fingers, shall we? I might have dropped a hint at some point that I don't like lamb. If I were a host, I'd accommodate someone who doesn't like something. On the other foot, I'd have to figure there would be lamb. On the third foot, screw the guests if they don't like what I'm making - they can go to McDonald's. If it's open - ha ha.

I'm just not a nice or polite enough person to suck it up and not eat, so Hijinks are in order. Please help me out if you have any ideas....

• bring a day-old McDonald's order
• have a pizza delivered
• bring a couple of pounds of ground beef and make burgers
• one of those 2' diameter chocolate chip cookie cakes (with extra icing, of course)
• bring my pet lamb, Chops
• screw it: bring a half gallon of ice cream and just eat that 

This might be why I don't get invited a lot....

• 2.6 ozzes of garlic powder, $9.99 - the Supply Chain has taken a serious dump 

It's so cold outside

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's so cold, we have to put our hands in the refrigerator to warm up.

STANDARD HOLIDAY DISCLAIMER

The holidays are generally a joyous time. Unfortunately, for some, it's the absolute worst time of the year. You are not alone; reach out. Friends, family, religious leaders, hotlines, doctors, hospitals, city/county/state resources, more resources through your state congresspersons. It's very important that you reach out. You don't have to feel this way - help is available. If anything happens to you, that's one less ThermionicEmissions reader, and I can't afford that.

[funny image of turkey]

Drunk Blogging

 

Your love is like  buying a social media site called Twatter

On the bright side, we've gone a long way toward solving the Laundry Issue. We just found a bunch of missing wash, in missing baskets. For some reason, perhaps they were scared, they moved into the dining room. It was obvious why we never saw them: they were behind the arc welder.

Today I identify as  Alex Jones - the only person Elon Musk refuses to let back on Twitter. At least Musk is pro free speech. Musk did a poll as to whether Trump should be allowed back, and the answer was yes. I'm shocked.

As if the laptop saga weren't enough, my phone experienced a bit of nostalgia the other day.  I know some people who never escaped Woodstock and some people who never escaped a war. My phone told me I had nothing going on. This is unprecedented, as I always have highly important, sometimes secret things, like my nephew's cello concert. Oops. After some looking around, I discovered my phone had never escaped April 4th, 2003. This is not a significant date, at least for me (and Woodstock non-escapees). In fact,. I can't figure out a way to set the phone to that date and make it stay that way. We just went to Daylight Savings Time and your phone made the adjustment automatically (leaving the rest of your house an hour off). How could this be? Am I in a temporal disturbance? I checked my car and job, which were all current, so I stared a bit and checked the liquor bottles.  Also current, and with some left. 

For lack of any other idea, I turned it off and on again. It worked. I should be surprised, but I'm not. Why wouldn't my phone set itself to a random date? It happens all the time, doesn't it? It doesn't? Oh. 

I'm starting to think there are other entities at play. I don't have any chickens to sacrifice, piles of money to burn, dolls with pins, bibles, holy water, or much else of religious significance, aside from a bunch of commemorative Jimi Hendrix stamps. Do I need to hire people in uniforms to come in and say stuff inside the house?

If you could see me now, I look like a large black cloud, with thunderbolts shooting out, and a really strange, Thor-like creature in the middle. With a very stylish, black, left handed Stratocaster.

HOLD THE PRESSES 

Since we're approaching the holidays, you can now buy white chocolate covered Oreos. Drop what you're doing and get out to the store with the least Supply Chain Issues and pick up whatever you can afford. Trust me.

Week's best pr0n title: She Blew Out Your Can  (?)

Week's worst pr0n concept: My Big Fat 600lb Sex Life

Trump is in for the 2024 election.

Everybody is shocked.

Going strictly on history, here is my prediction: Democrats, trying their damnedest to put up mediocre to bad candidates, will continue to run Biden, because apparently he hasn't done enough damage (yet). His slogan will be "Giving away your money for free stuff!" The Democratic National Convention will serve only toast, because no one can afford much else. Trump supporters will burst into the Republican convention and burn Biden in effigy. The convention will be very cold, as no one can afford heating. The libertarian candidate will remain a secret until one month before the election. It won't matter, because he or she will only get 1% of the vote, even with some of the most idiotic candidates in the history of the country running in opposition.  There will be accurate claims of vote stealing, which will be dismissed as conspiracy theory. Video of trucks hauling votes to burning facilities will be all over YouTube, before they're banned as disinformation.

About Biden running: I wish he'd start running now. Don't fret, he'll only be 80; plenty of time for whatever's left to dissipate (as well as his ratings).

The people, in their gross ignorance, will again prove their gross ignorance by causing another 50/50 split in the results. They enjoy doing the same thing every time, hoping the outcome will be different this time. While this is traditionally the description of insanity, it has also become the definition of American voting. Furthering the proof of the midterm elections, Democrats will largely win, because people are largely stupid. Republicans will win some smaller elections, proving that their people are largely stupid too. The stupidity of republican voters matches the stupidity of republican politicians, especially where the election-losing policy against abortion rules the land. Don't let them fool you - it's 2 sides of 1 warped coin.

While you were touching yourself watching The Masked Furry, the world population hit 8 billion. While I would never suggest Bill Gates was right (about anything), perhaps we're overpopulating the place. If nothing else, we're making a hell of a mess out of it.

Another cryptocurrency exchange went bust (FTX), owing money to over a million people. 

Crypto was a tremendous idea. I watched closely. Then I watched insiders flee with assets and hacks. I watched currencies fail and fall. I just couldn't see getting involved, with that much to lose. Instead my 401k plays the stock market, where there's even more to lose, just as there always has been.  I TOLD YOU SO. Considering (I think) I'm always right, you'd think I could make something from that. Alas, no.

Many interesting things happen at Thermionic Manor. Daily.

Having settled my upcoming days off, I said I have to give the list to Wife.

This morning I'm awakened at the glorious day off time of 7:30.

Did you put air in the tires?

[grumble, think] fzsnitzness

Huh?

No.

I have to go to the doctor and can't bend to do it.

I know. My fault.

Good thing it was my first vacation day off.

I began the process of Not Going Back to Sleep. This can take up to an hour, involving trash cans, an incredibly happy spaniel licking my forehead, thinking about chocolate, and a nagging internal voice, demanding I do something... all combined with the most powerful force on earth: guilt. I was readily aided by someone outside doing... something... that alternated between slamming something into metal and launching tires with a trebuchet. Bless my neighbors - they have a noise for everything.

I can't tell you how I did it, but I found myself out of bed and even dressed.

She looked at me with one of her 157 patented Strange Looks. She went on to tell me she had canceled her appointment, so all was well, just go back to sleep like I didn't wake you on your vacation day and you didn't spend half an hour winching yourself from the bed, semi-awake. And by the way, aren't you supposed to be working at this time?

I'M ON VACATION!

It was at this point I said to myself that if this is what vacation was going to look like, I would forfeit my 20 days. Give em to somebody more deserving. Somebody single.

And hurry up with giving Wife a copy of my days off.

• Because it's a week after Veterans Day and not a holiday, there are fireworks outside.

Up I get, 9:00 on a Saturday, because... you guessed it.... air in the tires.

The only place around is a gas station. The machine takes only quarters, to dispense what you breathe freely, which is just a single one of today's ironies.  The machine instructs you to put the quarters in slowly, probably so it can feel the satisfaction from each quarter.. pure profit. Notably, there are 2 metal poles in front of the machine, as well as its sister, the car vacuum. I'll bet there's a funny story there. 

A car vacuum? What a concept.

I can't see much use in that. It would be admitting that your car gets dirty, and I just don't want to go there. We're driving a really nice car, which simply doesn't get dirty. Dusty, but not dirty. So there's nothing to vacuum.

Ah, but there is. Cars seem to attract trash. Cigarette packs (no idea whose), candy wrappers, condom wrappers (no idea whose), and 5lbs of paper you have to take off the straw before you use it. Do you have any idea how much of that paper it takes to make up 5libs? It actually rides in the back seat, occasionally hinting for a bigger car and a seatbelt extender.

So, at 9am, I pull into the station. And at 9am, there's already some guy using it. I managed to laugh slightly, as only 1 person in line before me is a very small number. 5 is closer to normal. I pull up close, so the fellow knows somebody's next. To be honest, I pull up, hoping against hope it will speed his airing up. Naturally it didn't. I have my rearview mirror set so I can watch to see if he leaves. I spend a lot of time looking at it. This guy apparently needs some serious air. Either that or he's letting the summer air out of his tires and replacing it with winter air. He had a truck, but it only had 4 tires, so that didn't explain his lack of hurry.

Meanwhile, I took the time to push all the buttons in the car that I can't push when I'm driving. Well, that I shouldn't push when I'm driving. Just in case I was worried, it showed me a little car with numbers for each tire, and whether that was low or not. The low ones flashed red. Somebody got paid a lot of money to design this. I liked it, as I'm easily amused, especially by blinky lights. Looking up again, I saw Skippy the Truck Driver hang the hose up on the machine. I sighed with relief. Unfortunately I sighed too soon: Skippy had a lot more to do. I thought since he still had time left on his quarters that he was maybe inhaling the air. Checking that his tires were still round. Walking around the truck, admiring its lines. Looking to see if there were any new scratches (he has every one of the 141 scratches notated in his Scratch Database). It's about 32 degrees out, which is coincidentally the pressure required in my tires. I figure no one wants to assess the exterior of his vehicle in this weather, but I was wrong. The expensive system for telling me which tire is low does everything but indicate what normal is. This quickly becomes a research project. Rather than squat, I figure I'll check the manual. The car is the only thing on Earth that still comes with a manual. And if the manual were in the car, I'd probably have an answer. The 2nd question was WHY was the manual not in the car. The possible answer was there was no room left in the glovebox, after the actual gloves, aspirin, condoms (again?), and that bangy tool that can break your window in an emergency. How you get to it in a frozen car is beyond me. The 3rd question is why is there a need to examine the manual elsewhere? Is it homework from Hyundai? Will there be a quiz?  How many miles should there be between oil changes? Do I have to stay after class again?

Finally Skippy drives off, completely satisfied, re-aired, and smug, with a fine day's work done. He was probably going home to sleep, where I should have been at 9am. Not at his house - at mine. He wasn't my type, being a guy and all. I wish he had stayed to watch a Real Man put air in his tires. There is 1 way you can find out if we've had the car for more than a month: if there are no screw-off caps on the air stems. We had exactly 2, of different types, which tells us the car is 2 years old. Now if Wife cannot bend well and I am meticulous about putting the caps back on, where did they go? I'll bet the *$&#ers who held the car for ransom stole them. They probably had to mail them to the state, to prove something or other, for which we'd be fined a 2nd time.

My entire operation lasted under 5 minutes (6 kilograms Canadian). The only problem was that either the hose or my car's expensive display system was miscalibrated: I filled it to 32, and the display said 31. This is an OUTRAGE. Someone will feel the sting of my keyboard! Where are Standards and Measures? They calibrate the pumps and they get that little sticker. Why not the air? Miscalibration could lead to all sorts of driving issues, even a crash. Your left side could be higher that your right, which is the wrong way to go if you're looking for that jumping up and down thing that the real lunatics want. Lastly, the guages did not change. I was beside myself, until Wife explained that the car needs to be on the road for a few miles before it read correctly and the alarms ceased their flashing and screeching. 

What have we learned?

1. do NOT get up at 9am for anything (except that)
2. acquire one of those portable compressors that run off the cigarette lighter. It won't save you from having to put air in the tires, but you don't have to drive anywhere and wait behind the Skippies to do it.
3. know thine air pressure. commit it to memory. it's much easier than remembering your wedding anniversary.

Oh yeah, 9 in the morning.

I'm in the bathroom, doing bathroom things, when there's a question from Wife. Wife talks regardless of where I am or what I'm doing. 

"Do you have $20 so I don't have to go to the machine?"

Uhhhh...... not on me. I don't have clothes on me.

Oh, because I have to go to my sister's then the convenience store then...

If you could stop talking in paragraphs and please let me get on with the bathroom things.....

In my sock drawer is a bottle of A+W Root Beer, just sticking up from the drawer. I asked Wife, who just stared at me and said, "I don't know."

This is by far not the strangest thing that has happened this morning.

I know you're saying to yourself that you'd understand a Coke or 7up, but A+W is pretty serious. And you'd be correct. But I'm learning to pick my battles, so I'll leave this and wait for whatever greets me later in the day. It will definitely be weirder and more challenging, possibly involving 4 hours of fighting and 2 hours of apologizing. Why just the other day I had the temerity to suggest we use the chair for our butts, as opposed to the brand new Leaf Eviscerator 2000 and Barbies. You'd have thought I said something about her mother and tweeted it to Elon Musk. We observed the required 12 hours of silence.

please excuse the lack of hilarious and thought-provoking memes, but they're all on one of the fallen machines.

The Ice Cream Diet - now for the Lactose Intolerant

Your love is like   the lady who keeps her dead pets around

• You tell me: Hollywood's best rug - Chuck Norris or Ben Aflac  ?

Today I identify as  I sure picked a bad week to identify as Elon Musk

I still haven't figured out which vacation days I'm taking by the end of the year. Last year I wound up taking  off most of December, which produced the Forced Vacation series of blogs. I'd really like to avoid that this year. I don't want to be an ass to my coworkers (or my readers). Come to think of it, they don't always treat me so well (the coworkers, mostly). Although I do remember coming to work and discovering a large cucumber on my desk. It was definitely the first time that happened. Fortunately it hasn't happened since, as I work from home. I'm not sure I'd like what Wife was trying to tell me if it did.

I know you're reading this because you're incredibly curious about my laptop situation.

The first laptop developed a bad display connection and a bad delay when anything is typed or clicked.

The backup laptop, a 10 year old Cadillac that still runs great, has been a pleasure to use. Until I remembered why I needed a new one: it got hot, the display freaked out, and the laptop froze, requiring a reboot. This put a real damper on doing anything, because I never knew when the laptop would seize. While this would be an actual blessing for work, I kinda needed it to stay powered up.

Now I'm getting desperate. There's an android tablet somewhere. The charge barely lasts long enough to sit and surf. Oh wait... there's an even older laptop. It works, which is the best thing I can say about it. I am afraid to boot it up because the display will break within an hour. I seem to have this effect on displays. If I could get paid for this, I'd be rich! But it seems about as useful a talent as being able to destroy trashcans. Now if I could stop ear hair from growing...

The thing I forgot about the last laptop is that it's a 32 bit processor. All current processors are 64 bits. I am as far as I can go with the operating system (a few years ago) and many browsers won't run on it. At least the display isn't broken (yet).

A Chromebook is inevitable. I might as well give Google the rest of the information they don't have about me, if there is any. Maybe my tiny android phone. Or 2 semi-broken tablets. I should use 1 of them for work - it tries to boot, fails, then goes into a loop. A long time ago, I used to be able to destroy hard drives by simply using them. My buddy suggested a custom plate for my car  NOMO HD. My skill went into hibernation for 30 years and morphed into Display Destruction. NOMO VID?

“You can’t win an unwinnable war. DEA knows this and the agents know this,” Irizarry said. “There’s so much dope leaving Colombia. And there’s so much money. We know we’re not making a difference.”

“The drug war is a game. ... It was a very fun game that we were playing.”

--Jose Irizarry - the DEA's most corrupt agent

It's a great article, but the above is a perfect summary of the drug war.



Enjoying the hell out of half of our weather. One day it's over 70, the next it's under 50, with a frost warning for the evening. This is somewhat aggravated by the industrial size fan in the bedroom. One of us, I can't say which but she has boobs, has to have fresh air, so the fan runs. Even in sub-Arctic temperatures. I suggested she sleep next to an open window, but she said "No - it's cold outside."

Speaking of sleeping, the dog's getting clingier. This morning we were back to back.  I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I'm upset because I didn't notice it when it was happening. She has also taken to licking my pillow. Nobody knows why, but she's a cocker and that's perfectly normal. She also tried to drink all my coffee this morning. That's 4 cockers who loved coffee.  Mrs. lefty, bless her, tries to keep Dog from bothering me when they get into bed after me. It fails 100% of the time, but she tries. First the dog has to jump on me and lick my forehead. Only mine, no one else's. Then squiggle around for a few minutes. Then lick my face. Then lick my pillow. Wife apparently doesn't understand these are things Dog must do. I am told one of them would stand on my chest, turn around a few times, then lay down and go to sleep. I was completely unaware of this and continued sleeping. This makes me wonder what else goes on while I'm sleeping... I used to wake up with a sore.... never mind.

Aqara’s new smart feeder can give your pet control of its bowl

Because nobody knows when they want to eat better than your pet.

Except the kid who hacked your IoT network. 

It's not that I really like these sweet potato chips, but if your fingers get close to the bag, they might not come back whole. It's even worse with the sweet potato tater tots. It's like dessert with dinner.

• There is simply nothing for breakfast like coffee, Mt Dew, and bacon pizza.

Starbucks store-bought caramel macchiato creamer is better than Starbucks anywhere-bought coffee.  It's only $17.99 at CostCo, the only creamer in the entire store. Shit is gettin' real out there, people.

The first cubesat to fly and operate at the Moon has successfully arrived

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency."

• NASA wishes to apologize for the press release. One of their more dyslexic people in Marketing thought it said NASA, when it actually said NSA. 

The actual NSA press release said:

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency. With this multi-billion dollar small piece of hardware, we can be assured that nothing happens on the Moon without our knowledge. It's our Moon - nobody else's. Nyah nyah. Suck it, China."

 

• In completely unrelated news, one of NASA's marketing team has been promoted to CEO.

It's quiet in the house.

This might be due to my spending a few quiet hours with the computers, trying to do simple things.

The neighbors have called in their Rottweilers. There are no children out within 3 blocks. My wife, who has spent over 20 years perfecting the art of ignoring me, has taken the dog and gone to bed. This is all out of SHEER TERROR. Because normal people can do things and they get done and work perfectly. But I'm not normal. No sir. The art of getting email on a backup laptop that used to get email anyway, is such a fine balance that young children can do it with their eyes closed. I am not a young child. In fact, I am an advanced child. Of course I know every step and credential. It just won't work. Before you look at me like an idiot (I prefer you to look at me as a very sarcastic, yet entertaining, occasional smart guy), I copied each email account line by line, password by password and it WILL NOT WORK.

I'm beginning to think this has something to do with my not drinking. 

I have to admit, we're giving it our best try, but it never occurs to us to drink mid-day or at work. 

Perhaps if I got smashed, I wouldn't have any of the grief I encounter, almost as if it were perfectly normal. I gotta say, the idea of going through days just fine, without trouble, appeals to me greatly. Being able to add email accounts to laptops, with the same passwords and it Just Works. It might be worth my liver for that.

It was going kinda fine until the mail arrived. The state wants to extort $500+ from me over the car situation, only we're not sure why, because we already paid an exorbitant amount for the ransom. The DMV was set up by criminals in order to funnel private money to the state. There is NO reason to register your car. There is no reason to get tickets because you forgot to put your insurance card in the car. It's legalized robbery. This is another reason I'm a libertarian. This large bit of extortion made me start to think that practicing drinking should start earlier in the day.

THEN I figured why not put email on the last laptop functioning, as I could look right at a previously-functioning laptop to make things easier. This was my first error. And my second one. 

Email Acct 1

put in password

server says NFW, ha!

Website lets me log in and before going to email, tells me I have a ridiculous balance owed and they're charging me FEES on top of it. Hang on a minute, dingbats... if you have my payment information and the account is set to auto-pay, WHOSE fault it is you don't have the money?

Put password in.

server actually laughs.

Gmail account

put in password

server says NO.

I retype password

server says NO, you fool, then takes me to the web page.

I sign in and it tells me I don't have cookies enabled.

That's correct: the cookies are in the other room and don't start til after dinner.

But I figure I'll play - I used another browser, with cookies.

Gmail said UH-UH, don't even THINK about it.

Have you ever had to go through a sophisticated multi-account email program to find how to turn cookies on? Ok, so maybe you have.

Once again it took me to Gmail's login page, and I approved myself.

As I sign out, the error message stated 'error logging in.' Of COURSE there was an error after the page told me everything was ok. 

Email acct 3

Enter same password as on other machines.

Server say NO, I'm not going to make it that easy on you.

Oh. Perhaps drinking IS the answer.

It's a very long password, which I kept having to copy from another screen. Repeatedly.

Server still say NO.

Alrighty, then. Three email accounts, ZERO of which I've gotten working on the old machine.

Honestly, I ran very large, very expensive networks, and kept them free of intruders. No problem.

Try setting up laptop email? Problem.

Then I started figuring stuff out.

Account 1 requires you to go to their web page, login, and tell it that it's ok to get your mail.

Account 2 requires you to go to their web page, login, and do a short dance. Being bereft of rhythm, this is the most difficult part of email.

Account 3 requires you to find the people running the server, login, then shove all the not-working laptops so far up their backsides, they cough megabytes.

The last little trick was discovered by mistake, like all those neat explosive things. When you put your password into the email program, do NOT tell it to remember the passwords. This is stupid, counterintuitive, wrong, and the final strike against remaining sober for the day. And in the end, none of it was my fault, so I feel a little less mentally-impaired.

The funny thing is that my typing improves as I drink.

The Art of Lack of Communication

Your love is like  a blown transmission on a long distance trip

I like to buy annoying presents for my buddy. For years it was anything to do with farts. Because farts are funny, birth to death. Even to (some) women. Now that he's getting older, I decided on a nose hair trimmer. While I've not looked up his nose, it's an odd gift. It got me thinking that with all the rude behavior in public. you never see nose hair trimming (or braiding). Where do you suppose he should try it out?

• weddings
• public transportation
• work
• whenever his wife tries to talk to him
• never, NEVER home alone in the bathroom. That would be weird.

Today I identify as   myself - don't hate.

Come and listen to a story bout a man named lefty...

He got home from the guitar show, whereupon Mrs. lefty left to visit people 3 hours away. All of the sudden, his phone was telling him he didn't complete the registration process. If that's true, why did it work for the last 4 weeks? When he called Support, he could naturally not get a human, even one in India. It would not take his payment information. He had no phone except for text. Wife texted, saying her calls to phone were rejected. He texted back the info, but because cellular phones are only 30+ years old, they haven't shaken out the bugs yet, and his texts take up to a day to reach her  phone, if at all.

 It was the bank card. I knew it.

Sure enough, the card was messed up and any service I had on it was no longer working. This includes the landline. So I tried to call the card Support but the phone kept shunting me to Purrrizon because they wanted their money NOW. I tried again, after which time they blocked me for too many times trying to fix it. I tried another phone for the landline, but everything was dead. I must have looked adorable trying the Eeyore phone.

So there I was, sitting in my chair, laptop going, and dog between me and laptop. Have you ever typed over a dog? Cat? Toyota? I had 2 phone lines that weren't working. No one could call in and I couldn't call out. Purrrizon said I had to go to a retail store to get things fixed. I don't think I'm as fond of this plan as I thought I'd be. I had no car either. After slipping on the escaping magazines, causing a monitor to plummet to the ground and my laptop to attempt it, I started to vocalize.  And by vocalize, I mean SCREAM the most interesting words, possibly teaching both new neighbors some new phrases.  The dog was terrified and decided to go to bed for the night (where I found her, when *I* went to bed... in the bed). After SWAT left, assured this was just another rant, not requiring their presence, I decided to continue my new hobby; drinking.  I am told it takes a while to get good at, but I am up for the challenge. I didn't get where I am today by neglecting challenges. Unfortunately I have no idea where I am today, so that might be a bad comparison.

So here we are, the next day, and I still can't get anywhere. Just to make things more interesting, the laptop, which did nothing but sit and not be used, now has no display. It just shows me a squiggle here and there. The doctors say I'm paranoid. You're not paranoid if they really ARE out to get you. All of the sudden, as if by magic, the landline rings. The landline that was not working last night. Normally this would make my head spin around and spit pea soup, like The Exorcist. Instead I decided not to strangle anybody, cause SWAT to return, or continue with Drinking School before 9am. I thought SWAT and I had an agreement by now... I don't even have any guns. I'm not really violent. Ok, maybe a little...

Because the landline came up, I could get everything else fixed, with the notable exception of the laptop. It took about an hour plus an external monitor, but I did it. Even after all this, plus the time I put into my new hobby, I felt neither bad nor good. Perhaps I should advise everyone to stay away for a few weeks. Aw, who am I kidding.... at the wedding we went to, they asked that all phones be turned off. Mine makes no noises and no one calls. Now I have to turn my head to the right, where the monitor is. I expect quite a lot of neck pain by the end of the day, as opposed to my normal pain in the neck.  But naturally, after getting the monitor going, the computer has a wildly long delay after I type. I can type out whole sentences then watch them type on the screen. Obviously the computer is straining to run a single monitor because it used to run two. It's logic, kids, get with it!

When everything calmed down and I was through with the whiskey, I went to work. I fired up some music to make work fun and discovered I had no audio. Pick your battles.

As it turns out, it's harder than it seems to catch a huge piece of falling rocket booster with a helicopter. Now if you ask me, which you didn't, catching a huge, plummeting metal rocket booster, even with parachutes, with a helo looks very hard. I would not want to be on the helo, even if they know something I don't. Oddly, they haven't succeeded yet.

Next week, the same company will be catching a falling satellite, the size of a school bus, with a paper airplane.  

So we traveled to the wedding, in Maryland. And in the car. Did you know it's becoming borderline impossible to get air for your tires? Both at the convenience store were broken.  They disappeared from the gas stations. The line was 5 deep at CostCo. It's kind of important, as I understand it, right next to gas and oil. And candy.

It's always nice to get out on the interstate and piss everybody off by only doing 20 over the speed limit. Something must have happened because the Maryland drivers, normally kamikazes, were driving like old ladies, in the snow, at night. 

The wedding was absolutely the most recent wedding I've ever been to. There were people, ceremony, alcohol, and food, most of which I don't like. They sat some unknown people at our table, so I welcomed them to the rude table. They thought that was a lot of fun, possibly until I told them I was rewriting the vows in my head as they were reciting them. They didn't say much, so I don't know if they had a good time or were abjectly horrified. They did run to their cars, if that means anything.

One guest was gender-fluid. This is not a problem for me. The problem was his dress, or rather, below his dress.  If you're dark skinned and dark haired, you should probably shave your legs. I don't want to say he could braid it, but... And here I am, giving fashion advice to someone who's approximately 50% different from me, genderwise. Wife was in total agreement. Those pronouns must be a real bitch.  Wife went to school with a gender fluid person. He looked good both ways. She loved his shoes.

We knew things were going to be 'interesting' when we realized Wife's pocketbook and the gift were a few states north. We outsmarted ourselves by leaving them on the DO NOT FORGET table, which we forgot to check. Things got even more interesting when Wife was holding her keys, which had separated from her car fob. Sometimes I'm afraid to leave the house, even to the supermarket. Ever have a day like that? A month? A life? In the actual dark, the former kamikaze Maryland drivers had slowed down even more. To prove I'm not making this up, I had to keep passing them while doing the speed limit. The Maryland drivers pick on the Pennsylvania drivers, saying we're out of control. Maybe they see us trying to avoid them as being reckless.

We stopped at the Middle of I-95 Huge Gas and Food stop because Wife's bladder is the size of a pea. I was looking forward to a coffee drink or something to eat.  HA! The place had about 10 restaurants. Counting the ones that were open, it had none, except the little convenience store, where Coke is $4.  I was astounded, as I've never seen this before. There has always been food. I could get a strawberry smoothie, provided I liked mine with banana. After another long day I'd rather have spent not being social, this didn't go down well. Mrs. lefty ran to the car, so people didn't think she was with me. And I still had to wait 5 minutes for a cigarette. Hers - not mine. I'm not positive, but I think she's now smoking the full cigarette, as opposed to part of it, before she gets in the car. She knows it pisses me off. Yes, coming back from a wedding.

Chet Atkins to Les Paul: If you got a thumbpick, you could play with yourself.

RIP 2 greats of guitar

43 Injured In Manhattan High-Rise Fire Caused by Electric Scooter

What on a scooter could possibly start an entire high-rise fire?

It's the battery, just like a Tesla!

In actual unrelated news...

Tesla recalls 40k cars over patch that broke power steering

Do not purchase a software-controlled car. 

Yes, there are mistakes, but the entire car could be shut down remotely. The recall was first issued on Twitter. heh heh.

 

THE VOTE  

Pennsylvania seems to be crippled by 2 things: the candidates and the voters. Politicians are scum everywhere, so one usually has to blame the voters, who have done an absolutely miserable job in their duty as citizens. PA was divided by party long before the country was goaded into it by Divide and Conquer.

The most visible race was Fetterman vs Oz.  Fetterman won by a small margin. Now we have a senator with gigantism, tattoos, and a stroke that hasn't fully been processed. Remember, PA residents - this is the guy who stood behind Wolf and declared the government knew better than you, as it arbitrarily closed businesses and livelihoods. It decided which businesses were essential. You voted for the Nanny State. Again. You're not a bright bunch, are you? You have something against learning from your mistakes, or you want the government to take care of you from cradle to grave. This is very expensive financially and libertywise. Fetterman's competition wasn't much better. An anti-abortion tv medical fraud pitchman named Oz. The libertarian candidate got at least 1.4% of the vote. While it is paltry in the short run, it means people are starting to wake up and will help the state in the long run.

Our new governor is soft on crime and doesn't believe in the 2nd Amendment, much like his idiot predecessor (of 2 terms - it's your fault again, voters). The libertarian got about 1%. The republican is a religious fellow, who used bible quotes on his signs and wanted to take a 40 day prayer fast to improve his campaign's standing. He was also anti-abortion - surprise! 

The democratic state senator won. This person hasn't answered a single email or phone call for assistance. The democratic rep also won. At least he returns emails. Both may be responsible for a tax on outside purchases, like Ebay.

The PA voting results site has a revoked certificate, therefore isn't safe (HTTP). Vote democrat! Vote republican. Two sides of the same warped coin. 

Engraved into a 4000 year old Canaanite comb: “May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard,”

Alternate translations: "I bet they'll never decipher THIS." and "Trump Sucks."

UC Berkeley immediately went on strike, saying "HEY, weren't the Canaanites Jewish? They are not allowed on our campus."

California voted on legislation to add a tax to the wealthy to subsidize the purchase of electric cars and build recharging stations. I don't live in California, thankfully, but the idea of adding more taxes is repulsive. Everybody deserves the fruits of their labors, rich or poor. People seem to think taking money from the rich is ok. Well, people who aren't rich think it's ok. I say no more. No more taxes on any of us. Too much of our hard-earned money is stolen, mostly by the federal government.  It is not the job of the rich, or anybody else, to subsidize the purchase of electric cars for people who can't afford them. Nor is it their job to build up electric vehicle infrastructure. Let's see some deep cuts in the local and state and federal governments. Let's get the inefficiency and theft out first. The idea of this just proves the statement "once they get their hands in your pockets, it will never stop."

I am searching my memory for who subsidized my house, car, and everything else.  I just can't come up with anybody. We must be going socialist.

UPDATE: The inmates of California voted this down. Another state didn't, but I forget which.

US airport finds gun stuffed in chicken by traveller

You underestimate the brilliance of this tactical maneuver 

• on the field of battle, the enemy will see a wave of soldiers with chickens and grossly underestimate the situation. Then BOOM!
• the stash doesn't have to be limited to guns - grenades, small bombs, and rifles are possible with the right chicken
• in the Middle East, the chicken could be replaced with a pig
• this could be the tactic that helps us achieve World Dominance (at $5500 per chicken, from Halliburton)