Sunday, December 25, 2011

Floor Chicken and Other Holiday Goings On

I made a chicken sandwich the other day.  I thought it somewhat odd that the chicken from which I was removing meat was upside down but things tend to happen.

Not really all that interesting, you say, and you're right.  It also has absolutely nothing to do with any holiday (especially for the chicken).


As anyone with a cat or dog can tell you, wrapping presents is a tedious job on a good day.  If you have pets, it's all downhill from here.

First you have to find a large, flat space in which to lay out the paper and presents.  At this point, the cat needs to come over and install many tiny claw holes in the paper, apparently just for fun.   When you yell, he just kinda looks at you innocently.  It is around this point that he achieves what we like to call Feline Aviation<tm>.

I won't go into detail about how difficult it is to locate a large, flat space.  My house is in a state of Advanced Chaos, with all horizontal spaces filled and a huge waiting list for open space.  Data expands to fill available space and Stuff expands to fill available flat space.

Having removed the section of wrapping paper that the cat personalized, I realized that this particular choice of paper was fairly crappy.  Perhaps the giveaway is the way it rips when I try to unroll it.  I am no Wrapping Paper Expert, which is why I get by with Pet Assisted Wrapping Technology (PAWT).

After having wrapped a small pile of presents, the dog stops by to pay a visit.  I secretly suspect he's judging my (lack of) wrapping prowess but he's always polite.  I watch him scout the area and try to figure out exactly how he's going to help me.  This particular mode of assistance consisted of sitting directly on top of the pile of previously-wrapped presents.  I wonder if he was trying to tell me that I did well.  On the other hand, he could be letting me know that those were the last ones I was allowed to wrap without PAWT.

Several minutes of begging and prompting got him to move to a less destructive spot, but still somewhere he could monitor my progress and help if he judged it to be necessary.

Humans are at a disadvantage when wrapping via only having two appendages for the task.  You can get a box all wrapped but you still need a pair of hands to get a piece of tape.  Doing the math, this makes four necessary appendages.  This doesn't count the extra one required for the tape, which has magically wrapped itself around your thumb.  This must constitute some immutable law of Tape Physics, wherein tape always returns to its native shape (unless you successfully tape something shut, in which case it simply fails to adhere adequately and falls off, exposing the gift).

The Definition of Love

I have a houseguest.  Her brother picks up their aged mother and spends the holidays with her.  Since it was early in the morning, Mom needed help getting dressed.  Brother was not entirely ok with this act so Boyfriend had to descend the steps and help Mom into her bra, panties, and clothes.

My guest and I looked at each other and said, at the same time, THAT'S LOVE.

It All Comes Down to the Chicken?

So lefty - what's Floor Chicken?

Glad you asked.

We're tearing into presents and I hear this strange noise from the kitchen.  It wasn't loud enough to provoke an immediate reaction.  But while continuing to open gifts, it started coming up into consciousness, after which I heard a loud BANG.

I ran into the kitchen to observe my extremely gifted cocker spaniel trying to consume an entire chicken.  He quite correctly reasoned that if he could jump up and knock down the cat food tins, he could perform the same magic with chicken.  He did not wish to be separated from his chicken so a brief battle ensued.  I won (but not for long).

I put the chicken back into its container and into the trash, when suddenly it occurred to me why the chicken was upside down when I went to make myself a sandwich...

Honey... was this the only time the dog got the chicken?

No, he got it before.

Don't you think it would have been a good idea to let me know?

I did.

Ummm..... no.

But I washed it off.

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