Your love is like eating artificial sweetener with a spoon
Today I identify as several of ABBA
Diet sodas are not actually good for your diet, WHO guidance suggests
Artificial sweeteners don't help control weight, and that's where the problems start.
Who didn't see this coming? Artificial sweeteners have been found to cause cancer, aside from the fact they taste like marinated excrement. The only problem here is that the news is from the WHO, which couldn't tell artificial sweetener from a table lamp.
Aerosmith opens its (first) farewell tour in Philly.
I don't want to say tickets are expensive, but Ticketmaster charges $15 to look for them.
Semi-official price chart:
Nosebleed seats: a mortgage payment (for the year)
Second level: a small city
First level: keys to the treasury
Floor: (varies in proximity to stage) your house, your kids, all kids
VIP Meet and Greet with Steven Tyler's voicemail: the planet
I would like to apologize to all my readers. When I mentioned Real Housewives of New Jersey, I had no idea it was a real show. I should have known, though. I mean, it is pretty obvious to anyone from the east coast that New Jersey is the butt of every joke. Who knew that reality had jumped in front of the joke? Again, I apologize, and shall endeavor (endeavour in the UK and Namibia) to come up with a better butt of a joke than New Jersey. If at all possible.
Googlers angry about CEO’s $226M pay after cuts in perks and 12,000 layoffs
People immediately took action, by making memes and posting them on social media.
If you're really upset at this, ignore your meme-making software and concentrate on not using Google for anything. No searches, no Gmail, removing it from your android phone. The less people use it, the less ad revenue Google gets. They also lose your private information. Hey, that's actual action!
As for me, I don't care. He made a fortune by doing what he was hired to do. I've already divorced myself from Google. You can too.
I told you there was no reason to have kids, but did you listen?
It's not April Fools day, so we need to figure out why...
- Sports Illustrated wants to hang it up and retire. This should guarantee no sales of any issue ever
- The SJWs have won and the rest of us need to leave the planet
- the publisher is one of those guys who gets off on naked great grandmothers
- the owner is getting a divorce and the company will go to his ex-wife
- the SJWs haven't thought this through
- Oh, the humanity...
Have you seen her on those kitty litter commercials? Have you heard her? If you just listen, she sounds like a man.
Way back on Mother's Day, the dog suggested I take her mother out for the day. This was more than magnanimous of her, because when Mommy isn't home, she stands there looking out the window and pining away for her.
We decided on a Quaint Weird Shopping Village. It was a magnificent day for anything (except shopping). We have different shopping 'styles.' I go in, fail to find what I want, ask an employee, who confirms they don't have it, then leave. SHE goes into the store and examines every item that looks even mildly interesting. Even if she can't identify it, it's worthy of investigation. This tends to not work out too well, in that I have the patience of a 2 week old infant. I know we're married, so I try my level best to be at least not shouting or rude. Sometimes I go outside, in search of air, or a chair. I thought this might subtly signal my impatience or need to see more than one store before the entire area closes. As always, this is way too subtle and has no effect at all. I wind up sitting there for 30 or 80 minutes, depending on sale items. Sometimes I'm not entirely certain she knows I left the store, even after I told her I was leaving the store. Aside from sitting alone, being pissed that I was sitting alone, I get to people watch. Yes, this is strange behavior from someone who actively dislikes people, but I apologize for nothing (and am always right). Because it was a lovely day out, it brought all sorts of people out, many who should have purchased a mirror and looked at it before they went out. We had our choice of overweight women in half shirts, with their gut hanging out, or overweight women with 3/4 shirt, with their gut hanging out. In trying to make this a positive, it was a GREAT day for Chubby Chasers. Then something weird happened... there were attractive women too. Women who could and should have worn belly shirts. Women who made even Mrs lefty compliment them.
As I learned later, there were a lot of guys getting physically assaulted for looking at other women, specifically Mrs. lefty. Even she doesn't believe she merits the attention. She's no longer 20, but it doesn't stop guys half her age from leaping to talk to her. And if there are any women checking me out (there aren't), I certainly wouldn't notice, but she is always kind enough to let me know. Just so long as it isn't guys checking me out. I don't care what anybody does in their own homes, but checking me out so obviously that even *I* notice it isn't where I'm looking to go. Mind you, Mrs. lefty is the first one to tell another woman she likes her shoes or dress. Something small like this can make somebody's day. She watched a mother debating whether the dress looked good with her daughter, then told Mom it looked great. Mom had a spring in her step. I'd be pretty worried if someone told me a dress looked good on me, but I'm a little weird.
The only thing this Quaint Shopping Village lacked was food. There were 2 theme restaurants that were notoriously expensive. I know if we went in, the complete screwing up of my order would make me (more) unpleasant, so we went elsewhere. Who needs to eat anyway? Eating is so overrated. Ok, another thing this place lacked was silence. Every store we went into had something objectionable emanating from overhead speakers. I asked Wife if saying '80s Rock was garbage' was being redundant. Of course there was the regular BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM music, then annoyingly bad soft rock. Even with her eclectic tastes, she was horrified. I walk around horrified by default, so there is never a doubt where I stand (if I can't find a bench). She managed to find something to purchase in every one of the artisty stores. The entire area should have been called Nothing Under $10. Even sticky pads were $15. Cards were a week's salary, and shoes couldn't be purchased on any income below $200,000/year.
There was a pet accessory store. I knew it was going to be impossible but I asked if there were any English cocker baubles. The nice lady looked all over the place and declared there weren't. Funny. there were Cane Corso, Pugadoodle, Labricocker, and tons of other invented breeds represented in any coffee cup, towel, socks and balloons in the entire store.It was like shopping for a left handed guitar, but worse. I know we're doing it to ourselves. Marshall was a black cocker, and all cocker merchandise features tan cockers by law. Now we have a red English cocker, and even if we manage to find anything, it's black.
There were also actual real, moving dogs too. Apparently this place is very dog-friendly, so many brought their dogs. I would love to bring ours, but she has a certain issue that prevents this: the moment she sees another dog. she goes Cujo, barking, growling, snarling, and trying to eat it, no matter how huge it is. Sure - yet another member of the household who doesn't get along with their own species.
Speaking of not being able to find things, we looked at things with names on them. Mrs. lefty and lefty are both very common names, but not represented at all. There were a lot of names like Brandon, Brandoq, Aaliyahn, Tofetta, Britney, and Brynnie. I guess names have changed since we were born.
But it was a beautiful day, she loved her Mother's Day gifts, and we didn't even fight!
*until we got home.
While resting and contemplating whether I needed to sleep, I got an email at 1am. It was from my doctor's practice, letting me know he was 'pursuing other opportunities.' Sunday night at 1am? I call shenanigans. Now I have to do Detective Work to find out where he went. Was he pursuing other medical opportunities, or taking the opportunity to stretch out his size 24 feet and go out as a clown in a traveling circus. This is really a burden on me... why didn't he think of ME before he turned tail and ran? Or was I the reason he ran? I tried not to unleash most of my delightfully evil qualities on him. He treated me well and even ordered prescriptions exactly when he said he would. Never even kept me waiting for my appointments. Maybe I just made him up in my head. Maybe I need to see a different kind of doctor. It's not like people haven't been telling me that for years.
1:00am email?
Language is always evolving, but apparently not fast enough in certain areas. Pronouns, while being insisted upon by some, haven't caught up to people with multiple personalities (they/them/y'all/yous?). Or transexuals (you knew it was inevitable). When you're talking about HER when SHE was a HE, how do you say it? Are there verbs? Adverbs? Proverbs? Actually there is a proverb: keep your mouth shut. I'm really bad with that one. Let's say you have two friends who have transitioned from male to female. They eventually hook up and refer to themselves as lesbians. Is there any correct language for this, or do you simply stand there while your head explodes? Lets also state that both have retained their junk. The permutations are mind-boggling and until the language gets updated, I'm terrified to say anything.
Of course that won't stop me.
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