Your love is like watching game shows from the 1970s, on 1 of 3 game show channels
Public Service Recognition Week
We all owe a debt of gratitude to the people who work so hard for the public.
You're probably asking yourself how I can possibly type while convulsing with laughter.
I sure as hell wouldn't service the public.
Ok, some of the public.
Today I identify as a chainsaw
Yes, I have a little difficulty concentrating, like the pope has a little difficulty not being Catholic.
This was made more apparent by an 11am meeting. Coincident with that would be the tree company, complete with chainsaws. Just to make things more interesting, the dog kept barking at the guys or the chainsaw (I never asked which). I was thinking of unmuting my mic during the meeting, just to let them enjoy Symphony for Chainsaw and Dog, but I was way over-quota for meeting interruptions.
The new project is coming along nicely, but I had a suggestion: we're buying software that costs a lot of money, why shouldn't we benefit a little from it? I don't ask for a lot - how about a small kickback? All of our meetings should have ice cream. They can ship it out in advance, with dry ice, like the Omaha Steaks people do. It would arrive on the morning of each meeting. Or a few gallons per month and we can each eat the entire gallon at once divide it as we see fit.
I don't think that's unreasonable.
Meanwhile, the tree guys were here to take down a tree (no, really?).
The tree has stayed up for quite a while because it's still trying to decide what's going to kill it: gravity, 20 different kinds of carpenter bugs, or falling away limb by limb.
While they're finishing, I had a chat with Wife:
Ummm.... this tree removal thing....
Yes?
It will make things hotter in the summer, right?
Yeah.
And it will make the grass grow faster.
Yup.
Go outside and tell them to put it back.
Conversations with my Dog
Me: Good morning. How are you?
Her: All that sleeping in my bed makes me tired.
Me: Don't you mean my bed?
Her: You keep on believing that. As long as Mommy is sleeping, it's my bed too.
Me: I see.
Her: Did I mention I sleep on your pillow when you're working? By the way, my sleep number is lower than yours - would you mind readjusting the bed for me?
Elon Musk teases free Tesla FSD trial in North America
Uh-oh.
There are 3 types of Tesla drivers
- buys a Tesla and drives it
- thinks Driver Assist allows you to snooze in the back seat
- foolish enough to test Full Self Driving
Let's be honest: like Windows, we are all Tesla's beta testers. Sometimes alpha testers.
Teslas have a propensity to crash into things when the car drives.
Teslas have a propensity to spontaneously combust, the steering wheel can fall off, and the rear seat can turn into an ejector seat without notice.
With all that considered, would you want to test FSD?
[sane people who don't own a Tesla] Are you f-ing kidding me?
[Tesla owners] Sure! Possible death from fire, crash, or ejection makes life exciting!
Little do the owners know, the feature is free while you're testing it. After, Musk will announce the $25,000 price for the FSD option. Testers will get a free Twitter account and a hand drawn certificate, in crayon. "Official Beta Tester"
Yes, I'm certain scientists have studied alien technology to make this assertion.
We smart people, who wear alien hats in public, know they can simply blip in and out at will. Of course they know about Earth.We have the best anuses to probe within 20 light years.
The interview took place at the Russian Hospital for the Astronautically Insane.He also believes Moe, Larry, and Curly were the lone gunman, Elvis was gay, and the Earth is not flat - it's octagonal.
That's just 2023.
T-Mobile is very sorry again, and in compensation, will only raise rates 15% this year.
Going forth, T-Mobile asks that everybody put their private information into their special Open Cloud server. The server is already open to the entire internet, so T-Mobile will not suffer another breach.
Let's Just Get Naked
-Joan Osborn
Citizens of Earth: we have studied you and came to the conclusion that you're not worth invading.
--- the Aliens
Unless you're the one who had to do the study....
Ron DeSantis is About To Expand Florida’s 'Don’t Say Gay' Law
Students in Florida won't legally be able to learn about gender and sexual orientation until the 9th grade.DeSantis, a favorite republican for the presidential nomination, aims to call the new law "Kill them faggots".
DeSantis is working on his presidential platform, but we got an advance copy
- schools teaching sex will be bombed from helicopters with the AIDS virus.
- the only available sex education is that babies are delivered by the stork, but it is not to be taught until 12th grade
- anything that happens in DeSantis' home or office will be ignored, especially if it involves little boys or homosexual activity
- If you want to contribute huge amounts to his election campaign, drop it with Louie, out back of the office. Your contribution will never be made public.
- all contributions from religious organizations can be made Sundays, when Louie will be outside, in back of church.
- Bring prayer back to school, so we won't get more of those godless commies
- redefine Assisted Suicide to mean 'shooting a person from LGBTQ+ organizations'
May was Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month
The tension between these two groups has built over the years, and is heading toward the boiling point. Each side is now demanding their own month. The White House is in a panic. President Biden was aghast when an advisor advised him that no amount of tax dollars would fix this. Kamilla said there is room for everyone at the table, but black people must be seated first. The Government Accounting Office went over the figures and determined there are no months left over. So either the two groups would have to learn to live together, or the US would vote on adding a 13th month to the year. Biden thought this was a tremendous idea, because it could be December and January at the same time, just like in his world.
In an attempt to bring the two sides together, they dug up Henry Kissinger. This was a surprise to Henry, who didn't know he was dead. Despite months of intensive negotiations, no progress was made. As Biden was talking about this to his family, his great great great grandson, Johnny (6), suggested they each get half of the month. This was hailed as the greatest feat of diplomacy since Dennis Rodman went to North Korea. Everybody was ready for celebration, which lasted 13 seconds until the war for who got the first half of the month started. Rodman got a sex change (nobody know which), Kissinger finally died (of embarrassment), and Biden ran for his 3rd term. As Wonder Woman.
Still no left handed history month.
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| Mr. President - we have to do something about the debt |
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